SUBMISSION REVIEW FOR THE BRAIN TRUST:
| | Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1181708 by Not Available. |
Plot
First and foremost, congrats for creating such a detailed prologue for your story. Here, I learn a lot in the background of the characters and what's happening here. However, I didn't fully get what was going on here because the story delved into a big flashback, greatly confusing me. Although it's ten years prior to the event, I still didn't have a clue as to how the characters connected into the prologue. It just felt like two different chapters here.
I did like the small twist at the end, though. I think this will make people engaged to read the next chapter as Faritan has lost his memory and could lead to many more plot twists and turns.
Characterisation is very in-depth. Feina and Ghadrik are my favourites so far, as you show their emotions really clearly. As for the second half, I felt I could sympathize with Faritan but only to an extent (explained further in the next section). Characters' appearances are also described in the story, giving us an idea of how everyone looks.
Setting
As I've already said, the descriptions in your story are filled to the brim with details. I'm able to see, hear, smell and feel everything that happens here. This makes the story really come alive, but I also fear you've put in too much detail. For example:
Raindrops, small and glistening with the sudden availability of light from the moons, rolled down and off the black feathered body of the creature, whose height nearly reached to the top of the tress surrounding the clearing. Its two sets of three talons held the yielding earth in its grasp as if it were prey.
I don't like the way the story "stopped" to have this description of the Rhuk-carrier. Although it gives reader an idea of what it looks like, it closes off the main action that is happening currently.
The emotions in the story are realistic enough. While they don't sway the reader, they do convey the scene in my mind enough to understand why they feel that way.
The beginning of the story sets the scene with a large chase. This truly grabs the reader's attention and his/her imagination to picture the arablester stone. The ending is also a semi-cliffhanger, and prepares us for when Faritan comes to again.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the story is good. Paragraphs and dialogue is spaced out correctly. You use a lot of varied vocabularly to keep the reader's attention with your words. Sentence structure is well-developed and there are few errors grammar-wise.
I saw at least one grammar mistake in the chapter.
Suggestions
1) This may seem a big decision, but I feel this chapter should be broken into two. The section that takes place ten years ago doesn't seem to have an obvious connection to the first part. I think this should be your chapter one, and it would make the prologue a lot shorter (and easier to read).
2) Cut down on some description of objects, one being the example I pointed out. As long as you keep the action going then that's fine, as it keeps the reader going as well. Also, don't focus on too many small details either.
3) Spelling/grammar mistakes:
That may all be true, " she laughed
No space between the comma and speech mark should be there.
Not even in someone of lesser age, " he regretted
Same thing here.
she left out the gruesome deatails
Should be 'details'.
Faritan shrugged. "
A speech mark isn't needed here.
The young boy rubbed a hand over his growling stomach,
Comma should be a full stop.
Overall
This is good for a starting chapter, but I found it a bit too long to read especially as it's in two parts that don't seem to be related. Otherwise, I think it has a lot of potential and compells me to read chapter one. Good Job, and Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
|