Hi Kiya!
Plot
The plot is very realistic in this story. The pace was very smooth, although it went a bit slow in the middle (when Norm had come home and was acting strangly) In particular I liked the background on Melissa and Norm's relationship, as well as Carl's relationship to his son. It not only helped me to understand this story better but also put a vivid touch of the realism on this type of situation.
The characterisation was very detailed for each character. You concentrated on each of them in turn and it helped me to picture the three of them in my mind. In turn, I could relate to both Melissa and Norm more than Carl.
Setting
The settings of the story were very in-depth and prompted a lot of emotions. I could feel Melissa's anger toward Carl and his neglect for his son (especially when he says, "What’s that thing boys are into these days…eh…eye-pod or something like that…”) and I shared Norm's moment when he mentions how he confroted Carl. The feelings here were very powerful and it helped me to picture a warm ending, and the actions of characters were described in detail, although I'm sure some more opiniated sentences could have been added. As for your scenary, these surroundings have been described very well and I could picture them easily in my head.
The beginning of the story starts with the attitude and personality of Carl clearly shown. It conveyed some excellent emotions and thoughts from Melissa that helped me relate to her. The ending, as I've said, clearly finishes the story on a warm and happy note, which to me shows that the relationship between mother and son is closer than ever.
Structure/Mechanics
The structuring of this story is excellent; all your paragraphs and dialogue are clearly spaced out. However your mechanics aren't perfect. A few sentences didn't make sense because you either missed out a word or because you used the wrong type of punctuation. But other than that, there are no problems with your sentence structure, as it thrives at squeezing out as much emotion as possible.
I saw a few grammar mistakes in the story, but no spelling ones.
Suggestions
1) First and foremost, change your rating to 13+. Actually you may not need to, but you do use the 'd' word once (I'm afraid of mentioning it, but you probably know where it is) and that is a 13+ word. Even so, it might not matter but you may want to keep this in mind.
2) Grammar errors:
and one of the many reasons why is sitting right across from me
The word 'he' needs to be added inbetween 'why' and 'is', but the sentence still wouldn't make sense because you are meant to be referring to Carl, the father. In this case, put 'he' in Italics, to show that you are talking about someone else and not your son.
“Is it now,” he mumbles
The comma should be a question mark, as you aren't continuing the question after 'he mumbles'.
3) After all, I’m the woman Carl Sawyer divorced and being a single mother in this small town is almost unheard of.
I don't understand this sentence. Does this mean that Melissa has a bad reputation for being a single mother or that she is keeping this a secret? I think you should clarify this a bit better.
4) “All these years...I didn’t need him and never will."
During the speech, perhaps Norm could mention what his father's reaction was to him entering his office and saying what he thought of him. It would tell me a little more about how Carl treats his son.
5) Just another minor thing; the word count for this item is 2111, but you've got it down as 2110.
Overall
Your story is very touching and has a heartwarming ending. Just a couple of mistakes in the writing itself, but the story definitely has potential.
Taking into account your reponse for the last but one review I did, I have given you a 3.5 because of these errors and points missed out, but because these can be quickly changed, it can still be cleared for a perfect 5.0. Anyway, Great Job!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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