Plot
I'm not a big fan of Harry Potter (I've read The Philosopher's Stone and The Prisoner of Azkaban and briefly looked at The Goblet of Fire but that's it really) but this piece of fanfiction was engaging to read. You addressed many parts of the Harry Potter series in detail, including a synopsis for people who don't read the series and the growing, fond relationship between Harry and Hermoine.
There isn't much to comment on considering the character developement (due to the fact you didn't create them yourself) but you have included all the personality of Harry, Hermoine and Ron. Also you manage to give a hint of, but not all, their outward appearance. The characters are brought to life because of it.
Setting
Settings have been described really well, particularly with scene involving the gremlin. Actions have also been covered in as much detail as to not leave any gaps in the plotline. The surroundings were quite vivid as I imagined Harry and Hermoine hiding under Harry's invisibility cloak and then attacking the gremlin. Emotions were also high as I shared Harry and Hermoine's feelings for each, feeling the tension and romance between. These have been conveyed vividly between the actions in the story without the need for a through description.
The beginning starts with dialogue which draws the readers in to know what the "spot of trouble" is. The ending convey's Harry thoughts for Hermoine and his fear of admitting it.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout is very neat. Paragraphs and dialogue have been separated out clearly. The sentence structure is quite varied, although the story mainly consists of longer, detailed sentences rather than short, choppy ones.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.
Suggestions 1)Unfortunately, I have no major suggestions involving grammar or spelling. However, in general I think you could have worked more on the Gryffindor match with Harry's feelings and how it stopped him in concentrating on the Quidditch match, despite the team winning. Did he confront Draco Malfoy in any way? His emotions about the confrontation with the gremlin should also be considered.
2) Also, in all the Harry Potter books, Draco Malfoy is always referred to as 'Malfoy' and not Draco. Although it doesn't matter in your fanfiction, changing the name reference makes the story more like one of J.K.Rowling's works.
Overall
A great story which was pleasure to read and made me think about the real Harry Potter books. You did a good job building on such issues which haven't been discussed. Great Job here!
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Hell Found Me (13+) Based off of a prompt to start a story with the sentence "hell found me". #1134386 by Jem
Plot
This was an amazing plot! I was held onto every sentence to see the outcome of the main character. The horror was apparent everytime this girl seemed to see a demon from someone else and it did actually freak me out. From beginning to end, you held my attention as I wanted to see how Hell found the main character, and I think that the prompt has helped you to make a brilliant story.
The main character's development wasn't that evident in personality or appearance (although her background was), except she seems to be a recluse and deemed mad because she sees demons. I felt a lot of emotions for her as a person (described in the Settings section).
Setting
There were some excellent descriptions here, particularly of the supernatural beings the girl encounters in the story. Actions have been throughly described and they bring emotion with it. The emotions certainly helped me to relate to the character- she was seeing abnormal beings in her dreams, mind and reality, so she must have felt fear. Also, it was apparent that she doesn't like being in a asylum. The only thing that confuses me in the story is the sequence of events. There is no actual time gaps or any indication of when in the girl's life did the dream or the whispers after the stealing of thoughts and visions happened. It was very confusing to see some parts told to the reader again.
The beginning of the story certainly drew me in, as it tries to say that it was inevitable of how Hell found her, but this helps us to see what happened for it to do so. The ending repeats this, but gives us a deeper in-depth as the tense once again changes into the present. It sustains a lot of regretful emotion, as the reader contemplates the message from the narrator.
Structure/Mechanics
I liked your structure; the way it has been told through the first-narrative as an account to maybe a doctor or someone close to you is very effective at expressing the emotions. The paragraphs, although some are very big (and in cases I had keep reading lines over again to find my place), seem to fit in with each aspect in the story. The Italics are also a good idea at showing the whispers and thoughts going through the girl's mind, creating a dark, raspy voice which I could hear in my head.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.
Suggestions
Only one suggestion: 1) You should create a sense of time and place in the story. The way events move and how the story has been written down and told means I'm not sure if the main ones happen straight after the previous or over a particular time period. This way, I can imagine how old the girl would look and what point in her life this is taking place at (still teenager, young adult etc.).
Overall
A gripping horror story which was very vivid to picture and with a mysterious message from the narrator. I throughly enjoyed reading it. Excellent Work!
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I think your introduction provides more than enough sufficient information about this character. I was able to picture him walking down a school corridor (although mainly his facial features) and I liked the way his appearance is reflected by his personality. It allowed me to relate with him.
I think, as an introduction to the story, you could introduce other, minor characters that will be here in the area. I think a bit more background as to what happens should take place (unless it's all about Phoneix then there is no need).
Overall, a brilliant description that really lets us get to grips with Phoneix as the main character, but doesn't give us anything else, as a prologue, to relate to. Hopefully, once you have acheived that, then people will become more motivated and intrigued to read on.
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Dreams" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Imagery
This diamante sustained a lot of imagery. The words definitely bring out the most vivid picture of dreams, and nightmares for that matter. I noticed that on the sixth line of the poem you used some alliteration to help identify nightmares. Good Work here.
Mood/Atmosphere
The mood in this poem is certainly a dark one, what with the subject/synonym being described with words such as 'sickening' and 'unpleasant'. The atmosphere also is similar to this, as I was able to relate to your subject and picture all kinds of mysterious dreams that I have usually.
Rhythm
The poem definitely sticks to the diamante pattern, but the fourth line (the one that has two words describing the suject and two words for the synonym in the last line) doesn't seem right when read aloud. This is just my opinion, but the words link together almost perfectly and the first two words can't really express the subject 'dreams' like 'pulse quicken' does with 'nightmare'. This could be changed.
Structure/Mechanics
The structure is well-kept. The capital letters really emphasize each adjective when read aloud. A good idea would be align the whole poem to center, so that it actually looks like a diamond.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Suggestions
Only one suggestion, and that is to try and find two other words in place of 'feel my' on the fourth line which can acheive what it is meant to be about in this format. It is only my opinion, you don't have to change it because I might be wrong!
Overall
A well-written and imaginitive poem. Good Work!
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Hello Rajesh, this is Antonia reviewing you as a request by your email!
I'm doing all three excerpts in one review to save time.
Plot
I found your plot quite hard to follow and to comphrehend. The reason was that each excerpt seemed to start off on a different setting and so the plot doesn't flow well along the lines. I managed to see how the characters seem to relate to each other, as each excerpt focuses on one or two of them at the same time.
So far, the character development is very good, especially for Manu, Satyan and Aditya. I learned a lot about them in these excerpts. You just need to work on the relationships between the children, as the only one I've seen is a distant one of Aditya and Satyan, which hasn't been explained yet.
Setting
I think the settings have been described very well with the use of metaphors and builds up the atmosphere through each excerpt. I really liked the ones of surroundings because they really brought the scenery to life around the characters. Actions weren't described in as much detail, but I could still imagine everything going on in the novel. There were definitely signs of emotion in each excerpt, but 2nd and 3rd excerpts had more of it than in the 1st (maybe because the 1st excerpt has less written down).
Your beginning (which I count as the beginning of the 1st excerpt) wasn't really eye-catching- it gives a vivid description of the surroundings, but the action of the children's movements is very slow-paced because nothing much is happening overall here. The ending of the 3rd excerpt is quite emotional, as Aditya sits down and tries to sustain his thoughts. The feeling being expressed is obviously defined as sadness and even contemplation, and I was able to relate to it and feel these emotions.
Structure/Mechanics
The structures in each excerpt are quite good- it is tidy and everything was clear to read. However on the 3rd excerpt, I noticed a problem with paragraph size and content. Also, I saw a couple of grammar mistakes through the novel so far.
Suggestions 1) For your next parts of the novel, you can work on the relationship between the main characters, as I'd like to see how they connect- why doesn't Aditya want to think about Satyan, how does Manu know the others and so on. This will make your story come closer together.
2) I think you need to work on your 1st excerpt more. You already have a lot of description, but now you need to work on what is happening here. Why is Satyan just walking down the mudroad as the leader of this group of children. What are his intentions? How he thinks to the reader is a way of getting to know him better.
3) Spelling/grammar mistakes: The foursome walked along the mudroadleading from the river to the paved road which led towards home.
The opening sentence is too long. Commas are needed inbetween clauses, but also you repeat the same words with different subjects. Use a synonym for either one of those words to show variety. Manu took leave from his classes, his students , Revathy...
Get rid of the space before the comma. He entered the fields of his home, barefoot. It looked funny to Madhavi chichi. This guy in fancy clothes walking barefoot in the slushy mud of the paddy field.
/But to Aditya, it was homecoming!
The last sentence should be part of the first paragraph, because it relates to Aditya's perspective of wading through the paddy fields to get home.
Overall
Your story has a lot of emphasis on the cultural life in India and I think it has a very good narrative, but you need to work on the plot's outline so I can understand what is happening. However, I still think it has lots of potential. Keep Writing!
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing the "Gifts" folder from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Content Quality
I found these stories intriging, engaging and heartwarming to read as I discovered this close-knit family's journey before Christmas. Whilst reading the accounts, I was able to see and imagine their emotions in different situations and relate to them in some way. Although in the end, there seemed to be more sadness than happiness, we could feel the family warmth and in a way, it touched me.
Suggestions
My one suggestion for all the stories in general, you develop the surroundings better- describe the Masterson house, the malls, any rooms with a large significance and others. You don't have to create large paragraphs, just enough of an outline so that we can imagine what the place looks like beyond the character's viewpoint of events.
Overall
A highly reccomended series of stories which I throughly enjoyed reading. Write On!
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Gifts #5" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Plot
Another spectacular plot which I just couldn't stop reading over and over. The story flows perfectly and I found it easy to follow from Hope's viewpoint because she is an adult. Through her, proper facts and opinions are addressed perfectly.
Character development for Hope is very detailed and I learn a lot about her. She is very opiniated and cares a lot about her stepfamily, even though she has her real mother in her life as well. Through her statements we also learn some more about Cameron, her dad and his emotions in her life.
Setting
Some very vivid settings have been described here. Actions are clearly described and helped me to follow the story. You have forgotten to pay attention to the surroundings (i.e. the mall and the Newport Gazette office) again, but I don't think this matters too much. The emotions are shown very clearly and in most cases I am able to relate to them.
The beginning of this is filled with some tension as Hope makes her way to her father/manager's office. The ending fits nicely to sustain a calm, happy atmosphere where it finishes then and there without any loose ends.
Structure/Mechanics
You have a brilliant structure here. Dialogue and paragraphs are both clearly spaced out and a varied sentence structure has been used here. Everything of this layout holds the story together really well and helps to convey emotions.
I saw one grammar mistake in this poem.
Suggestions 1)In one paragraph, Hope describes how her father is comfortable around some people but very uncomfortable around others, such as the Blackwells. However, you only mention two family memebers. Perhaps you should mention Hope's opinion of Troy and the mother (forgot her name).
2) Grammar error: I walked over to my stepmother, held out a hand and raised her chin so we were eye to eye.
'eye to eye' needs hyphens inbetween each word so that it becomes 'eye-to-eye'.
Overall
This "chapter" is another emotional and one which covers a lot more about the family that the other accounts haven't shown yet, and I think that is great personal reponse. Excellent Job!
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Gifts #4" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Plot
I like this plot for Trevor's day- it had many ups and downs to develop his character and the other minor characters in the same scene. The character development is as thick as pizza crust and very detailed- we discover Trevor's character with lots of emotion and I feel that I can relate to him and the fact that he's a hemophiliac that sometimes has problems with his social life, particularly concerning Brady.
Setting
Settings are very good- all character's actions are covered in lots of detail and I was able to visualize them. However, I found it hard to visualize the shopping plaza and the places Trevor and Amy visited. The atmosphere was a mixture of romantic and angry elements, spewing out many different emotions throughout this story. I found it easy to sympathize with Trevor and his love for Amy and vice versa, although there is one fact about their relationship that is missing (see Suggestions for what it is).
The beginning drew me in, as the story starts off with Trevor in a slightly desperate and embarassing situation. The ending completes the romantic and even sad mood as Trevor contemplates about his love.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout for this "chapter" is very good. Paragraphs are evenly spaced out. Sentence structure supports the atmosphere in the story and I think you use a fairly good variety of the types of sentences.
I noticed one spelling and one grammar mistake in the story.
Suggestions 1) Amy and Trevor have a very deep and close love relationship, but both keep mentionning Amy's father when they are alone together, as if he is restricting their relationship. Perhaps you could explain why her father doesn't like Trevor and Amy to be boyfriend and girlfriend, so we could sympathize with her more.
2)Spelling/grammar mistakes: “I’m at the diner…”
You forgot to put this line in Italics, as it Amy on the phone. careful not to cut myself – all though a minor shaving cut would clot
'all though' is one word and should be 'although'.
Overall
A very creative, emotional story from the "Gifts" series, which I was engaged to read. Once again, it had been pleasure reading one of these stories. Well Done!
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Gifts #3" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Plot
Quite an unusual plotline, but one I still found a bit interesting in a positive way nonetheless. The secret that Terri holds is one that caught my attention, although I think it's a bit too much for an eight-year-old to take in. You have given a very realistic account of Terri's shopping trip, so we learn a lot about her character and opinions of her family (particularly on Jessie and Taylor). Also, she gives us some description of Jessie and Will's personalites, which are also shown through the dialogue.
Setting
You did a fairly good job at describing the actions of the charaters throughout this story, and although you could have developed the surrounding background more I was still able to visualize what was happening. There wasn't as much insight in emotion in this "chapter" of 'Gifts', but this maybe because of the layout in this story and perhaps didn't pay much attention to their deep feelings. You have, however, done a great flashback through Terri's speech of the conversation between her parents, adding her own opinions and intriging Jessie's.
The beginning was quite sudden but I thought it brought out the most in Terri as a young girl. The ending wasn't as satisfying because when I finished reading it I wanted to expect more in Cameron's reaction to Jessie just said about their secret.
Structure/Mechanics
I really liked this structure. The choice of language used here resembles how Terri might have wriiten this account down on paper, making the story even more realistic to me as a reader. It also adds a touch of humor as well because of the way she emphasizes her specch through the text.
There weren't any spelling or grammar mistakes that I saw in this story/chapter.
Suggestions
I have only one suggestion, regarding near the end of this story/chapter when Taylor and Cameron come to pick Steph up. Perhaps you could include a short conversation concerning Terri's secret and Taylor's statment that Terri can't keep secrets. Bringing this back up would be a good way to end the story, along with Cameron's reaction. But this is only my opinion!
Overall
Another well-written "chapter". I didn't find it as intriging or as heart-warming in Terri's viewpoint or from her feelings, but I did learn some more about these characters that we experience. Great Work again!
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Gifts #2" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Plot
This is another heartwarming plot in the "Gifts" stories. Having read the first one now, Taylor's viewpoint is very much the same as Tyler's, but this account shows their relationships in a more detailed way. The character development is also quite detailed on Taylor, because although she and Tyler are twins, the way this story has been told is quite different to Gifts#1. We also have an idea of what Terri and Cameron Masterson are like in Taylor's view as well, setting us for the next "chapters".
Setting
All character's actions in the story are well-described and clearly express emotions. I was able to relate to Taylor moreso than her Dad, because as a teenager I could understand her father's protection of her. The descriptions of surroundings weren't that clear- you were able to tell us the weather so I was able to see and feel the cold, but you didn't describe any buildings such as Gloria's Diner, or the outside of any other shops in the same area.
The beginning wasn't as eye-catching as I expected, but it described the opening scene very well. The ending is quite a happy one, as the relationship between Taylor and her father grows even more as more true, emotional feelings come out. The penultimate line is quite funny because it shows another thing about her father that Taylor thought was unusual of him.
Structure/Mechanics
You have a very good layout. Dialogue is spaced out and clear to read, and paragraphs aren't too large. The sentence structure is fine, too- you have many detailed sentences, but only because there weren't many tense parts in the story (apart from when Cameron yelled at Nancy Blackwell).
I saw a couple of spelling mistakes throughout this story.
Suggestions 1) When Nancy and Troy Blackwell enter Gloria's Diner. Troy is automatically introduced as 'Brady's brother', but we don't actually know who Brady actually is until after Taylor refers to him more during this following scene. I think you should mention Brady when you described Trevor's condition, as you say that he gives a lot of grief to him due to his hemophilia.
2)Spelling/grammar mistakes: “Do you miss Mommy too Daddy?” asked Terri.
There should be a comma inbetween 'too' and 'Daddy'. Oh, like compared to your other son, Brady who is always bulling and intimidating my hemophilic sick son?
'bulling' should be 'bullying'. Our departure from the diner was abrupt and as we walked down the street to the knickknack store that had my gift ,the air between us was silent.
Get rid of the space before the comma and place one after it instead. Also, add in the word 'and' inbetween the comma and 'the'. “I’d to think that if he’s the one I wanted to go to the winter social with,
"I'd", meaning "I would", doesn't make sense within this clause. Add in the word 'like' inbetween 'I'd' and 'to', or get rid of 'to'.
Overall
A very emotional "chapter" which showed a lot of warmth between father and daughter relationship. I managed to visualize everything, just only to a certain extent which can be worked on.
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Gifts #1" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Plot
It is hard to described how great the plot is in the story. Everything that has been put together showed a heartwarming and revealing story about lives past and present. My favourite character from this "chapter" was definitely Tyler. You had a lot of character development about himself and his opinions of people were shown vividly throughout the text and dialogue. He is a character I could relate to because we share the same age and
Setting
You described all the settings in a large amount of detail. I could imagine the surroundings vividly, as well as any actions that took place there. Also, I think Tyler's emotions were very strong considering how the day would end up. I was able to share his annoyance of discrimination and his love for his mother and twin sister.
The beginning is very alluring because it poses a question for the reader and then goes on to introduce the characters, meaning we already know much about them before the actual story starts. The ending was a slightly sad one because it is a lesson for Tyler, for he witness what his mother had to suffer and what both her and Tyler's dad had to overcome. It was very emotional and it's mood did affect me.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout you have used is tidy, but I also liked the language that you used via. Tyler to tell the story, showing his opinions of present events clearly (eg. one of the funniest parts was when he referred to the Hispanic guy at the airport under different names- "freakoid", "Nastyman" etc.). The paragraphs are spaced out and clear to read.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.
Suggestions
I don't have any suggestions for the benefit of this story, sorry!
Overall
A fantastic story which was definitely a pleasure to read. It conveys two very different emotions and I was hooked when I read it. Keep Writing Steph!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1079421 by Not Available.
Imagery
You use a tiny bit of effective imagery in this poem, although it isn't that clear at what it is trying to present at first. It was effective how you switched between realism and surrealism to keep the focus and concept on hidden things- a good use of personification. I would have liked to see some more metaphors overall to help me picture these subjects.
Mood/Atmosphere
The language you have used in the poem builds up a decent atmosphere. I could tell that it was a dark and slightly mysterious one. I was able to relate to the mood to a certain extent, but I don't think it allowed me to picture all the scenes. However, the final line sustains a lot of emotion because of how it has been written, and I felt a surge of cold wash over me, meaning you had let me relate to that line.
Rhythm
Because of the way that this has been written, I wasn't sure if your poem was meant to rhymne or not. If so, then some of your lines are too long and need to be cut down to mantain a smooth flow throughout the poem (could you please state this if it isn't?).
Structure/Mechanics
I really liked the layout of this poem- the different lengths of stanzas and lines, the punctuation used to break them off each other all helped contribute to the mood in a way. Moreover, it was also a great idea to arrange the poem into a kind of list like structure to keep it simple.
I saw one grammar point missed out (punctuation) and there was one line that doesn't make sense to me.
Suggestions 1) It would help the imagery of the poem if there was a proper rhythm to it, which is why you could use the disrupted rhythm you have already and develop the lines so that everything fits. How it rhymnes, or is laid out, is up to you as the poem's creator.
2)Grammar mistakes: Abilities used in future time;/Distant past of people to find
The second line doesn't have any punctuation at the end. I think a full stop is best to go there. Picture images not usually seen:
I don't understand this line. What do you mean by 'picture images'- as in people who don't notice them around in their normal lives, or tiny pictures that only one person would want to see? Or even pictures with a message deeper than that? This is another sign of personification, but in what way it isn't that clear.
Overall
I'm sure your poem holds a very deep, significant message- as if we should take a better look around us for these hidden things. The ideal of relating the poem to reader belies this message by a tiny margin, but it is a rhythm that you can improve on. Keep Writing!
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Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "Royal Pretender" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Plot
This is the second piece of historical fiction that I have read and I found the plot just as intriging. I like how you have incorporated and built on an event that could have happened had it not been for fate. This also has given a deeper explanation of the background to the story, as it was hard to keep hold of the different Sophia's and George's (maybe because of when this story is held compared to when George took up the throne in the UK). The idea of George Augustus becoming someone different added a lot of tension and it was also a great innovation to the historical events.
You have built up some good character development. It was a nice idea to show the personality of the characters through a combination of dialogue and paragraphs instead of just giving a chunk of text describing themselves, which would slow down the pace considerably. All the characters have great personalities (George Lewis' impression of his son, William's firmness etc.)
Setting
Again, the settings have been covered in lots of detail. The actions of characters are described in detail, in particular when Caroline first meets Augustus in his disguise. From then on you build up an excellent romantic atmosphere which concentrates on squeezing out the reactions between these two characters with 'love at first sights'. Although I never found love before, for some reason this romantic mood was one that I could share and relate to.
The beginning and ending have an excellent contrast to each other. The beginning is with George Lewis pacing about in a mood. These first few paragraphs help to show his feelings and thoughts about his family, making him a dislikeable character immediately. The ending is one of warmth, love and happiness as Caroline accepts the proposition with the encouragement of William, her brother. It shows a deep relationship between brother and sister, although you haven't really shown why he feels like this.
Structure/Mechanics
The structuring of the story is fine. Paragraphs keep to the relevance of the original subject and can be distinguished from the dialogue with your spacing out. Sentence structure is quite varied, but I think there could have been some more short, choppy sentences during the meeting George Augustus and Caroline regarding their attraction because of the suspension and tension that is mounting throughout.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes throughout the story.
Suggestions 1) When William discovers who "Pierre De Busch" really is, his reaction felt rather awkward to me: William trotted into her room. “I’ve just come from talking to Baron von Eltz. He’s told me everything! Caroline, you must accept. The prince is in love with you! Do you know how hard it is to make a love match? Say you will accept!”
The main problem is that the way he walks into Caroline's bedroom doesn't fit with his excited speech that follows up- the word "trotted" seems that was walking quite briskly but gently instead of feeling excited and rushing into her room. Unless he has been depicted as much older than Caroline or George, you should change this verb to quicken his pace (e.g. William strode into her room quickly, a look of pure happiness on his face, or words to that effect).
2) Try to make a large use of short, choppy sentences at the scene in Ansbach when the two lovers first meet with Baron Von Eltz and William at their sides. The way that George admires her whilst looking up and down can benefit from this.
Overall
This piece of fiction is in a lot of detail and seems to keep as close as it can to the events that unfolded throughout. It tells a story of what could have been true romance between two prominent people at the time. I would really like to read the follow-up installment (except it is an 18+).
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Imagery
I really enjoyed reading in this poem- you have managed to add a good amount of imagery to describe the appearance of a looking glass. I especially liked the first line: 'A pool of glass' because it slightly compares the looking glass to a puddle on the ground (as you can see through both of them).
Mood/Atmosphere
The poem has built up a kind of fantasy atmosphere from the metaphors used in the language, but other than that it isn't giving out any emotions or feelings which would affect the reader. Nevertheless, I was still able to picture and understand the movements of the looking glass showing a reflection.
Rhythm and Structure/Mechanics
The structure is adequate and it was a good idea to break off the last line from the third one, otherwise it would have disrupted the flow. Even so, there isn't any rhythm in the poem so it doesn't run that smoothly anyway.
Suggestions
I only have one suggestion: Experiment with a rhyming pattern, as I think a rhythm for this poem would support the imagery and mood. You don't have include a rhyming couplet for every line, but just see whether it works or not.
Overall
Overall, I think the poem is very deep on helping the reader to visualize the settings of the story using imagery. It is quite a short poem, so it is hard to make large suggestions to it.
Regards,
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1064538 by Not Available.
Plot
Amazing! I love how your story comes up with a climatic plot twist, especially as this story is filled with other emotions as well. This plot has been built up extrememly well, with very few flaws or plot holes.
Character development is adequately in-depth, with Jenny's personality built up the most. The main characters personality is OK (being similar to Jenny) whereas we hardly know anything about Derrick, even though he has a large emphasis on what happens in the story.
Setting
The settings of the story are very good. Although the background isn't that in-depth (so we don't know what the surroundings look like), the actions that the characters make are described very throughly, along with their vivid emotions.
The beginning of the story is a small, sad paragraph which gives a foresight of the events to come near the end before the main story, the flashback begins. The ending provides this same intention, but regarding what has just been said and giving a summerization of what happened after the fire that took Jenny's life. This account comes with a lot more emotion in the words written down.
Structure/Mechanics
A very good layout has been used for this story. There is a good use of dividers to show big separations between paragraphs. You have also used a very varied sentence structure to help support the atmosphere in the story.
I saw a few grammar mistakes in this story.
Suggestions 1) In the second part of the story, Derrick comes to the girl and asks her something but then Jenny comes and their conversation takes over. There is no mention of where Derrick went off to. Mention what happened to him before Jenny made her way over to her.
2)Grammar mistakes: “No I’m fine, I’ve…”
The ellipse should be a dash, as she is getting cut off and not trailing off. So we ready to go?”
This question doesn't make sense; add in the word 'are' inbetween 'So' and 'we'.
Overall
This short story has another superb plot including many different emotions from sadness to anger. There are only minor improvements to be made, but soon this story can mantain its potential.
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Hello Victoria, this is Antonia reviewing you from:
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Plot
I've read all five chapters that you've managed to fit into this item, and I must say that you've done a fantastic job. All the characters have been created with visible emotions, and I could easily relate with Leila and understand her side of things (particularly in chapter 3). I wasn't expecting the large plot twist of 'a world of elaborate lives' so early in the story, but I think it's in the right place. It engaged me to read as a reader, having not given away what exactly Jonson has done to Lelia, and I would like to read some more if I have any free time!
Setting
You have described the settings immaculately. I could imagine all the buildings, outdoor/indoor scenes and the characters actions perfectly in my mind, as if I was watching a film.
The beginning is a perfect example of this. Already it builds up the tension as the dark figure comes into view of this building, and both settings are described in more detail as the story moves on. In my opinion, the ending of chapter 5 is a huge cliffhanger, as Jessica doesn't 'remember' anything about Leila/Eva's story, which prompts some frustration in me (unless the additional half-page was this chapter to be continued).
Structure/Mechanics
This story so far has a brillant layout. The paragraphs contain lots of information and are still easy to read into. You've also made a good use of italics to register thoughts and notices. The varied sentence structure of choppy sentences to display suspense has also been used well and helps with the fast-paced atmosphere.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in this story.
Suggestions
I don't have any large suggestions, but: 1) A layout tip- make your titles bold or underlined. Just make them stand out from the rest of the text. 2) I think your story's rating should be changed from 13+ to 18+, because it has some explicit swearing in which doesn't cover that rating (13+ swearing includes just 'damn' or 'bitch'- words like that, but you use '****' and some other curses).
Overall
As stated before, an excellent story that definitely should go far with more potential, conveying both supreme suspense and very deep emotions from the characters. Fantastic!
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Imagery
I think you've conveyed some brillant imagery for this poem. The whole personnification concept of a weeping willow's feelings was a great idea, I think you have used the metaphors and overall comparison really well. It helped me to imagine the weeping willow standing desolate in a field- a starting basis for the mood and atmosphere to come in and fill the reader's mind.
Mood/Atmosphere
The mood in this poem was very dramatic. You put in a lot of emphasis to the feelings of the weeping willow tree (aka. personification). I was able to relate to its emotions of being lonely. You have managed to mantain this atmosphere throughout the poem. Good Work!
Rhythm
I think your rhythm and rhyming couplets fit in with the poem's concept. The flow is OK- some lines were forced when read aloud with their corresponding line. I have made some suggestions below for words which could be used to cut down or add more syllables, but you don't have to follow them.
All ending words rhymne correctly, so there aren't any problems there.
Structure/Mechanics
This poem has an excellent layout. I like the repetition of 'Weeping willows' in the beginning of both stanzas. You have used suitable punctuation for the end of lines.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.
Suggestions
Rhythm changes: Whispering softly into the air,
Demanding now, does anyone care?
If you're referring to human beings, replace 'anyone' with 'humans'. Otherwise the line could also be 'Demanding now, why don't they care' as I think this poses a stronger question. Weeping willows have one song, Soft gentle and eternally long.
Place commas inbetween 'soft' and 'gentle'. Listen carefully to hear them sing,
But sorrows I'm afraid is all it'll bring
In the first line, replace the word 'to' with a comma. Your second line needs to be more concise, but I couldn't think of any suggestions (sorry). The beautiful song you so long to hear,
Is the ever soft rhythm of their falling tears.
Get rid of 'so' and 'their' as we can understand the emphasis on the subject so these words feel inappropiate to the reader.
Overall
A very good poem. It lets in many solemn emotions and has created a broad sense of imagery to help me picture this weeping willow and its feelings through you. The rhythm is slightly unbalanced, but this is the only problem and I'm sure this has a lot more potential.
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Plot
Your plot is well-meaning- The girl becomes obsessed with this man and his compusure so much that she forgets his influcence. It is an issue today and I think you covered it well. However, I also think there are many gaps in the outline. Some of these come from gaps in the story's time frame, and events that come too quickly (e.g. when the girl hit her friend after she tried to say he was wrong for her) and I didn't understand or keep up with this. Other times, you haven't described in detail, so the story stops flowing then.
The character development in the story is inadequate. We don't know much about the characters, apart from the narrator's viewpoint, and so we cannot relate to their opinions of themselves and others in the piece.
Setting
The settings received mixed reponses from me. I liked how you displayed the narrator's emotions towards her lover in this story and I think it is merged well as her opinions into the text. The feelings were understandable by me in the story, so I was able to relate to that character. On the other hand, the plot and time gaps meant the story isn't cocvered in so much detail, so some actions that the narrator did I haven't understood or managed to relate to.
The beginning is very tense as it starts in what happens to be a desperate situation, then you explain how it came to this in the flashback, the meat of the story. The ending confused, as I didn't understand just who she killed- her lover or someone who thought that she was doing the wrong thing with him.
Structure/Mechanics
A good layout here. Paragraphs are clear and indented, making them easy to read. I liked the varied use of sentence structure- short, choppy sentences for tense situations (e.g. the girl using the girl) and longer ones with more detail to describe the feelings.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in this story.
Suggestions 1) You need to make both your beginning and ending clear on just who is being killed. Is it just one person who is against the narrator and the man's relationship, or the man himself. Please clarify this. 2) Describe backgound settings in richer details. I want to imagine what buildings and objects look like around the actions taking place, like you did near the beginning of the flashback at the bus stop and the rain pouring down. 3) Try to develop the main characters better. What kind of personality does the narrator have. What other traits does the man posess that makes him so irresistable? Even minor characters need some more points about them to make them come alive, as if in a film.
Overall
Your story does superbly at showing emotions and the power of temptation, but it needs in-depth detail into the areas surrounding the characters, and time needs to slower paced. Still, it has some potential due to the lesson being told here. Keep Writing!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Imagery
The way that this poem is narrated, there is some imagery somewhere. However, it doesn't seem to be visible by first glance. You do use some metaphors to show how the narrator is feeling about themselves before they hear the cry. However other than that, I couldn't really imagine what was in the poem so I couldn't relate to it.
Mood/Atmosphere
You have made an effort in trying to convey a solemn atmosphere when the narrator hears the other girl crying. I think you have somewhat acheived this. However, you didn't mention any of her emotions for this therefore I couldn't understand both character's feelings. Nevertheless, the building of the atmosphere was quite good, as you have made it both tense and slightly dramatic at the same time.
Rhythm
You don't have any rhythm at all in your poem. There is no flow, except that the lines are cut off using enjamgment so that there is a balance in the number of words and syllables. However, this feels odd when you're reading it aloud ehrn you're pausing, yet you're meant to be continuing a sentence.
Structure/Mechanics
The balance of words on lines, as mentionned before, means that you've made a balanced, even structure. I liked the way you split up the stanzas into the different stages of hearing and looking at the girl.
You have a few spelling and grammar mistakes in this poem (pointed below).
Suggestions 1) I think you should put in a bit more emphasis into emotions. You have mentionned them briefly, but when the narrator realises just who the girl is, how does she feel about that? Include the narrator's emotions alongside the girl to show the similarity in their movements. 2) Spelling and grammar mistakes: escape the sad sounds, That seem to
appear out of no where.
Get rid of the comma and replace 'That' with a lower case 't'. 'no where' is one word, 'nowhere'. Suddenly I jump up, I can't bear This sound of loneliness.
This 'T' should be lower case. I get up
to look closer I just want to help in
I think there should be a full stop inbetween 'closer' and 'I'. She looks so sad'
Get rid of the apostrophe, but if it is meant to be said as dialogue then put one in front of 'She'.
Overall
You have some very strong ideals in this poem about the sensing of the girl, but because it seems like a personal poem it doesn't really relate to the reader that much.
Don't be discouaraged, though- it has lots of potential in the imagery and mood/atmosphere. Keep Writing!
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Plot
I enjoyed reading this story, and it all came down to this moving plot. It is a realistic situation which Halley manages to overcome both her mother and stepbrother's claws. I liked the focus on influence and relationship, for it brings the story's ending on Halley's viewpoint of what happened to Bianca.
Character deveopment is also very deep. Rene, Joshua and Bianca roleplay the parts that an abusive and neglected family would do. You have brought them to life well, and I found myself being able to relate to Halley's feelings against Joshua and their mother a lot.
Setting
You have created some brillant settings for the scenes in the story. The actions flow into one another well and are described with the feelings in tow. As fore-mentionned I shared Halley's feelings- her fears for her sister turning out like her mother, and for her own future, her hatred for both Joshua and her mother's lifestyle- they really helped darken the atmosphere so we could picture the events in the story.
Structure/Mechanics
You have kept to a decent structure in the story. The flashback has been placed in a suitable part in the story, although it means it does take up most of it. However, some sentences need to be re-written again, as they don't make sense. Sometimes you haven't put enough detail into a situation (I have pointed this out below).
I saw some spelling and grammar mistakes as well.
Suggestions 1) In some parts of this story, the sentence structure means that emotions don't come across correctly. Here are some examples of this: Halley faced the door, the red paint chipped and faded, the number 6 hanging loosely by one nail.
This sentence doesn't make sense because of the clause following 'Halley faced the door'. It comes on a bit sudden, so you could change the comma beforehand into a full stop and start a new sentence from there. “Don’t argue with me.” Renee slapped her daughter across the cheek leaving a red handprint clearly visible on the face.
I think the highlighted participle is too long for the sentence. You could split this with a comma inbetween 'cheek' or 'leaving', or use a full stop after 'cheek' and start a new sentence from there. She didn’t know where she would go but she did know that she would give Bianca a better life than what she would get here.
A comma is needed after 'go'. Also, use the subject Halley instead of 'she' somewhere in this sentence, otherwise it will sound odd when read aloud. 2) Spelling/Grammar errors: “Halley where have you been?”
A comma is needed after Halley. “You had better you slut,”
Place a comma inbetween 'better' and the second 'you'. Also, it is better to use an exclamation mark insteado of a comma at the end of this speech, as Joshua is yelling at Rene so he would be using onamatopeia. “Why you little.” Joshua pushed her back against the wall,
The full stop can be a dash to cut off the speech at this point. “You had better run,” Joshua screamed
Again, the full stop can be an exclamation mark. Renee slapped her daughter across the cheek
'Renee' should be 'Rene'. “Well then remember this is our little secret.”
A comma should be placed inbetween 'then' and 'remember'. All of her emotions tearing her mind apart.
This isn't a sentence because it doesn't have a proper main verb. Add in the word 'were' before 'tearing'. “Why didn’t you protect me?”
You haven't mentionned that Halley is saying this to her mother. It seems like she's thinking it, but isn't saying it out loud. You should clarify this.
Overall
An emotional story that was interesting to read, but it needs a bit more improvement on the flow of actions and the grammar side. Still, it releases lots of feelings and it definitely appeals to the reader, so I hope it has lots of potential. Keep Writing!
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Mood/Atmosphere
I loved almost every emotional part of this song. The lyrics bring the atmosphere once again into a tragic yet deep thought-provoking sense of being. The words you have used made it feel like you were addressing everyone, including yourself.
The meaning of song- keeping a mask over yourself and not stating your true feelings- were truthful and I found them a bit inspiring, motivating even! I could relate to the scene of the little girl in the opening verse who seemed to have built a wall round herself.
Rhythm
A medium-paced rhythm helped the flowing of the lyrics and the emotions. I was able to connect the rhythm with a song of my own, so this helped me to understand it better. There aren't any forced couplets.
Structure/Mechanics
A very good structure here. Lines are equal and they all flow into the next line. You don't appear to have any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem, and punctuation has been used correctly.
Overall
This is incredibly deep and meaningful to me. I like how your introduction has summarized this so crisply. Superb!
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Hello luv2mumble, this is Antonia reviewing you from:
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I enjoyed reading your poem, as it was a composition of three limeracks back-to-back related to each other. There wasn't a lot of imagery between them, yet the surrealness of what the characters was still picturesque in my mind. I liked the repetiveness of the first and last lines to summarize what the character did, reminding the reader of who they were.
The layout is very tidy and the use of colours and the balloon emoticons helps to distinguish the verses from each other.
I did notice one spelling mistake: That little boy Bobby Billy
You forgot to put in the hyphon between 'Bobby' and 'Billy'.
A funny that I'm sure if I enjoyed, children will enjoy to. Great Job!
First and Foremost, thank you for your explanation of the Gayatri meter (I have heard of this poetry type before but didn't know how it went).
I really liked how your poem focused on the rain rather than the summer, as it showed how badly a 'rainy summmer' can go!
You have used metaphors where you can, so it was easy to picture and hear the rain falling and hitting the ground in my head. You could have had a bit more emphasis on the sun being hidden behind clouds, because I kept seeing rain but on a sunny day.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes and you've added in punctuation that allows pauses for someone reading aloud. The rhythm's flow is smooth and I liked its simple pace which I could follow.
I have one suggestion: The theme park closed their rides.
This line could be changed to:'Theme parks have closed their rides'.
Overall, your poem presents a simple situation which is very imaginitve and somewhat realistic. Well Done!
Regards,
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Hello renais, this is Antonia reviewing your item from:
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Imagery
You do have some imagery in this poem, but from the reads it doesn't seem to be visible. You have only used oxymorons (e.g. 'I might be knocked up/But my love is true') and repetition of 'She's the girl' as each first line, but there aren't any signs of similes or metaphors. Therefore it was hard for me to imagine the girls' life, because you didn't give a vivid description of what the narrator was saying.
Mood/Atmosphere
Following on from the imagery, you have clearly shown the reader what kind of atmosphere to expect. It starts off as solemn and dark but by the end there is a hint of romance between the narrator and her now-boyfriend. I am sure that this poem's emotions did reach out to me, if only a little bit, and I would love to see more of the feelings affecting the reader and letting them relate to the poem. You have formed an excellent basis for that so far, but it isn't enough.
Rhythm
As you said in your post, the rhythm is smooth in some stanzas and forced in the others. Apart from the second and fourth verse, the rest have a line or too that needs changing for it to fit in with the rhyming pattern.
Also, with some of rhyming couplets the words only half-rhymne (eg. 'man' and 'planned', 'cursed' and 'worse' etc.) and these need to be changed or swapped around to make sense.
Structure/Mechanics
The structuring is good. Stanzas are spread out and easy to read and take in. You could use some punctuation at the end of some of the lines, but it isn't nesscessary.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in your poem.
Suggestions 1) I think you should rewrite your poem's introduction. When I first looked at it, I was expecting a poem of abuse and boiled anger from the narrator's viewpoint, but your poem is one of romance because you don't really clarify the struggles other than this. Try this one: This is a poem about a young teenger's love from the struggles of life- it shows there is a romantic side to the poem.
2)Try including more imagery into your lines in the form of similes and metaphors. Maybe if some are rewritten in a more metaphorical way, the poem may flow better.
3)Rhyming errors: Whose future is cursed
Try replacing cursed with 'in curse' or 'in a curse'. Trapped in a screwed up world
Get rid of the word 'up'. It should still make sense. Life couldn't be much worse
Get rid of 'much'. They've already got it planned
Get rid of 'already'. I might be knocked up
Replace 'knocked up' with 'scarred', as this girl's trobles mean she is scarred for life. Thats what I love you for
'for' and 'more don't rhymne. Instead use: 'That's why you are my cure'. In my opinion, the length of this line doesn't matter because its the final line.
Overall
A personal, but deep poem sharing the teenage difficulties of romance. You just need to get the rhythm right and help the reader to imagine these feelings in their head. This has some more potential. Good Luck!
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Plot
Once again, you have built on a original fairy tale to change into your own story. The special part for me was the change of narrative viewpoint. Here, Rumplestiltskin gives his side of the events and we can learn to see why he did it, and suddenly this fairy tale character doesn't seem so evil.
The character development is high for Rumplestiltskin's in particular, as you give the reader a lot of information that a reader of the original fairy tale may not have considered!
Setting
Your settings are finely tuned for the story. Every action and description is easy to visulize, yet the main concern in my opinion is the atmosphere. You have definitely added emotion to the story, especially at the end where Rumplestiltskin is left on his own to contemplate, but it didn't affect me that much, just there was no detail into feelings- they weren't mentionned with the actions that give them off.
Structure/Mechanics
You have a strong structure here. Paragraphs mainly consist of speech but as a reader I was still engaged in what both characters had to say. I like how the dialogue from each of them is kept in separate paragraphs, although in some cases it felt like a script because there is no text.
I saw a few grammar mistakes, and a query concerning some speech.
Suggestions 1) You may need to work on the emotions that Rumplestilskin has throughout his interview. I can read them in his speech, but they don't reach out to me. Try using more metaphors and similies when you desrcibe his life, so that the reader can relate to the issues and be more sympathetic to what he did and why.
2) Grammar mistakes: I was just lucky that he wasn’t some troll or worse a human, ugh
I think there should be commas in front of and behind the word 'worse'. Ot, add in the word 'even' before it, then a comma afrer 'worse'. “Thankyou for your time,”
'Thankyou' should be 'Thank you'.
3)My query regards this section of text: “I bet you want to know why I did it, that’s what they always ask.”
“Actually I want to know the reasons behind what you did,”
Hasn't the reporter more or less said the same thing as Rumplestilskin just before, because the difference between those two sentences doesn't make sense to me. You should change this to show how the reporter makes his claim for the interview so unique.
Overall
A story that stems a deep imagination and gets across an interesting viewpoint of the fairy tale character Rumplestilskin, but needs to improve on getting the emotions across to readers. Other than that, another interesting read from your port!
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I think your introduction provides more than enough sufficient information about this character. I was able to picture him walking down a school corridor (although mainly his facial features) and I liked the way his appearance is reflected by his personality. It allowed me to relate with him.