Your prose has universal appeal as all of us struggle with feelings of self doubt.
I do have a few suggestions you might want to consider;
*beullet* watch the overuse of the word ‘that’ Find more specific words to say what you mean w/out the word ‘that’ Example: in L6 you use ‘that’ twice. What strikes you? What is it you cannot do?
try using more specific nouns for the word ‘it’
You use the word ‘then’ several times. You can just say what you mean and the reader will assume it is ‘then’.
{Example: in L5 Then you cry and try to run away from it all. the line sounds fine w/out the word ‘then’
In L1, everythings should be everthing is, or, put an apostrophe after the 'g'
Remember, these are just suggestions and I always yield to the writer.
I've come to this forum twice for tech advice and both times it has delivered! What a fantastic place for us to visit and obtain advice on how to resolve our tech issues.
A superb article and a must-read for all authors unfamiliar with the query letter writing Do's and Don'ts. Get a fresh perspective directly from the book editor's port!
A strong message conveyed in childlike poetic form. I love the repetitiveness of the stanzas. I was sorry to read how the sins are unpaid. My heart hurts after reading this and the sister poem.
I am glad to see Sara can write about such tragic events in her life.
Write On!
Robin
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My favorite line is 'Sentimental memories, keep magic alive, tales are told' It rings so true for me. What wonderful slits of imagery you have provided in acrostic form. I like the Christmas color font too.
Nice acrostic poem,
Season's Greetings,
Robin
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A captivating story! You’ve done a marvelous job with keeping suspense woven throughout your entire story!
Wonderful descriptive sentences! I traveled with Stan as he sat at his desk, unable to walk, then, to the strange journey he took.
I do have a suggestion you may want to consider. You use the word ‘that’ a lot. You can tighten up your sentences even more without it.
Your sentence: him that it was the real thing, but that only made him scoff at her, without My suggestion: him that it was the real thing… ‘that’ is unnecessary in conveying your meaning.
Your sentence: "It will show you worlds that you've only dreamed of," My suggestion: it will show you worlds that you’ve only…
Your sentence: as if that would make him more willing to buy. My suggestion: as if her promise would make him more willing… more concise meaning; eliminating the word ‘that’
Stunning writing!
Season’s Greetings,
Robin
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It is funny how childhood habits follow us into adulthood. I was always envious of walk-in closets. Mine, had to be shared with my two other sisters, there wasn't much room for hiding, even though, on a few occasions, I tried.
I like how you have woven personal information about the main character into this peice.
Two suggestions: One, since it was entered into a fiction contest, you might want to change the item type to fiction and Two, you might want to consider other ways to say what you mean without the word 'that'.
Very nice read.
Season's Greetings,
Robin
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Welcome to writing.com! I see you haven't been here but five days so I htought I'd give you some advice:
First, edit this item and change the Item Type to Draft that way, when readers like me come along, we will read this with different eyes.
Second, Set your bio block. You can provide some personal information about yourself, like your age, and how long you've been writing.... reviewers often take things like this when they review.
Now, for the review:
As a reader, I felt there distracted by several things, spelling and grammar. You can copy and paste to a word document and run a spell/grammar check on it. I felt your story is too short, like you crammed it into a few words. Unless you were following contest rules, which required a word count, limit...If so, I'd put an author's note about that.
Develop the character of the man; what is his name?, what did he look like? why was being loved by so many people so important to him?
Provide more information about the Magic Item.
This story has potential. I can see it, in my mind as fully developed
Absolute surprise ending! Very believable plot. It’s not easy to do but you’ve held the suspense throughout the entire story at a very nice pace. I really enjoyed reading this story.
I do have a few suggestions which you may want to consider. Tighten up your sentences. Find other ways to say what you mean without using words like seemed, that, and, it as much as you do.
Examples:{/b In your second sentence, you could replace the word ‘and’ with the word ‘then’. Your sentence: He seemed to be irritated and his left cheek was considerably swollen. My suggestion: His left cheek considerably swollen, anguished pain covered his face. This revision takes out the be verbs; to be, was. Also, changing irritated to anguished pain conveys a more accurate picture of what I believe you are trying to say.
Your sentence: It was squeezing his own hand so hard that it paled and went numb My suggestion: Fingers seized his wrist, squeezing tightly, his hand tingled with numbness.This changed takes out the word ‘that’, and the be verbs; was, went. Also, ‘it, and and.
You do have a great sense of suspense; I could feel the doctor’s curiosity, and then subsequent horror. Good luck in the contest!!! BTW, you can add ‘contest’ to the genre selection list to gain more exposure for this item.
I’m sending you a link "Invalid Item" . I found this article the other day, after reading, I promptly printed and hung on my refrigerator.
Season’s Greetings,
Robin
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A cute poem. I can see how this would have an audience appeal for children. Maybe being used in a school play, with a child dressed up as a turkey. Nice job here. I had a smile on my face when I was finished reading this one.
A very powerful read! I was there with Carla, struggling to find a way to get the breakfast cooked, avoid an argument and find the shoes.
I love your sentence structure, flow of pace and descriptive telling. I love how you ended this piece.
With a creative title and brief description, this piece stays true to its item type and genre selections.
What few suggestions I have almost sound like knit picking. Especially when I'm sitting here saying, 'Now that's how writing is done."
Great read
Robin
Strong emotion. This item stays true to its genre selections. However, I'd change the brief desscription to read, 'a poem about a family torn apart. Especially since the title is DIVORCE.
Also, I think each line, as its presently written could be turned into a stanza.
Season's Greetings,
Robin
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Overall impressionWhat an adorable holiday poem. I smiled throughout the entire reading. I found it clever and interesting, with audience appeal, although, I’m not quite sure small children would like the ending.
This piece stays true to its genre selections, with a cute title and the brief descriptions is on target.
Grammar/Spelling, while I’m not 100% sure, I do believe Twas has an apostrophe in it. T’was. Also, since you have added punctuation i.e. the commas, you do not have to start those lines off with a capital letter. I.e. your second line does not have to be capitalized. Lustery, Not a correct word, I think its what you mean, as luster means sheen or shine, and lust means yearn or desire. I think shine is what you want here.
Presentation: I don’t usually go for an entire item being in a different font color, however, since this is an Easter piece, the color adds to the festiveness your poem. However, I think if you bold your letters, it will be easier on the eyes to read.
Suggestions to consider Please note, these are just suggestions made as a reader and mostly deal with the meter of your poem.
Your line: With visions of coloured eggs dancing in their heads could read.
My suggestion: ‘while visions of coloured eggs danced in their heads.
To the large big set of ears and little tie bow. Or, you could cross out ‘large.
I chased the old bunny, in spite of wearing a cast.ß--- seems awkward, but not sure what would sound good.
Your line: no wonder he was thin!
My suggestion: ’no wonder he’s thin!
Your line: bounding off the wall,
My suggestion: ‘bounding off walls’
Your line: there was not a sound.
My suggestion: ‘out came no sound’
Your line: I grabbed the shotgun and shot him in the tail,
My suggestion: ‘I picked up my shotgun and aimed at his tail.’
My suggestion: And out of his mouth came a very loud wail.’
Mostly, these suggestions help with meter and flow. This is a fantastic poem with an excellent rhyme scheme.
A very enjoyable read!
Robin
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The author has done a fantastic job with rhyming and meter. This work as a Shel Silverstein ring to it. Superb job.
However, I’d space the lines into poetry format, especially since you picked Poetry for your Item Type. Doing so will make your poem much easier to read. Also, unless it was a contest thing, I found the font color change distracting. Maybe if you bolded the colors it wouldn’t be, but for me, I’m visually impaired, I had to copy and pasted into a word document, then change the color to black.
I really enjoyed reading this. Shel Silverstein is one of my favorite poets! This truly did remind me of his type of work.
Overall impression This was funny, Strengths Nice use of dialogue.
{c:pace/plot/did it hold my interest? Yes! Suggestins I’d add comedy or satire to the genre selection list as it will help gain more exposure for your item.
Season’s Greetings,
Robin
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try using more specific nouns for the word ‘it’