*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vamp_cat/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
Review Requests: OFF
2,441 Public Reviews Given
4,528 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
Favorite Genres
Horror, fantasy, Sci-fi.
Least Favorite Genres
Do not care for works that straight dramas.
Favorite Item Types
Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
I will not review...
I review most things.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 15 16 17 18 -19- 20 21 22 23 24 ... Next
451
451
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again!

I was looking for something new to read and help inspire me. Look what I found.

I think this clear and you have conveyed the emotions very well.

I also like how things came in threes, it was a nice carry through.

I think this lends itself well to the work it is connect to.



Alice
452
452
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I see you like writing Science Fiction and time travel. Coincidentally, I am running a Science Fiction flash contest that calls for time travel.

If you would like a full review, along with some gps and maybe a prize, please enter my contest.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1266633 by Not Available.



Until we met in the past
or the future,

Alice
453
453
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I must say that I would not have said that this would have been such a great read. I mean the idea only sounds so-so. Then I read. And I read some more with a smile on my face.

What a great opening line.

And the closing is perfect as well.


Thanks for the tale it was so much more than I would come up with.


Alice
454
454
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,


I think you should place a line of space between each of your paragraphs.



The People he meets on his journey along with the vivid dreams that leave him cold, show the reader a different way of dealing with HIV/AIDS.

I do not think "People" should be capitalized.


A Toast! To Shock.

I assume that this is someone speaking, although I can be sure. There are no quotation marks to indicate this.


{b]He forced suppression and begged his mind “Let me get home first!”

mind, "Let



“Thank you, baas! God bless you, baas”

baas."



“You can take me home now Rudi”.

Rudi."



“Sure Mr Pienaar. Everything ok Sir?”

Mr.

OK or okay



He called it ‘Java-2-go’ He was a well known property developer and owned several townhouse complexes in and around Johannesburg. There was nothing he needed - nothing money could buy anyway.

-go.' He



His father saying:
“AIDS is punishment for a lack of self respect”

His father saying:“AIDS is punishment for a lack of self respect”

respect."




His mother:
“Thank God it’s not in our culture”

His mother: "Thank God it's not in our culture"

culture."




“No”, Johann thought.

"No,"


“I cannot tell my parents".


parents."



Should you fix these things and tell me I will be happy come back again. Just shot me a note.

Alice
455
455
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
As you know, I have a penchant for fairy tales so most things connected to them I am going to like.

I think overall idea of the poem is great and a nice bit of fun.

I like the middle stanza the best.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or formatting.



Alice
456
456
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yesterday, I read on a blog that your contest has a hard time getting donations.

It also happens that yesterday I won a fair amount of gp's.

I would like to give some of my winnings to support your contest.

I would also not liked to be listed as having done so.

I must go review some my contests. I know that a great deal of work goes into any contest and that without them, I would lost.



With much thanks,

A.
457
457
Review of Dollar Bill  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)


Why do I love Starbucks? Perhaps it’s the aroma of the fresh brewed coffee that caresses your face as you enter, never burnt, just strong. Perhaps it’s the sound of eclectic jazz instrumentals playing on the sound system, or perhaps it’s the opportunity to have your coffee just the way you like it. After all, coffee is a highly personal drink and those who drink it have many different tastes. Maybe it’s the way that the staff knows your name, or at least at our neighborhood location they do.

I think this has a ring of truth to it.



Okay I do not get the ending AT ALL.

Now, should make any changes in the story to help clarify the ending let me know and I will be happy to give another read and another rating.


Alice
458
458
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Congratulations!

Your tale was judged among the finest to offered in this round of the Vampires Ball.

Has received an Honorable Mention among twenty five tales and by both judges.

I really hope you please join us again yet another ball. We so enjoyed dancing with.


Alice
459
459
Review of Captured Images  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Congratulations!

Your story was judged to be the best tale in this round of the Vampires Ball.

You have several choices:

Would like a ribbon {if so, what color}

or a

Merit badge {if so, would you like one for Writing or for Vampire or for Horror/scary}

or you may have 10,00 gift points.





I await your decision.


Alice
460
460
Review of Vampire Shark  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I lost my glasses. It took a few days to get new ones. Yours are one of the last for me to read. My co-judge is done.

I need to make mine so we can compare.

Sorry there we so many entries and I really do read and review each story. It takes time for me to do so, because I try not rush a read.

***

I think the story could use a more elegant title or a more humorous one.



I did find the light hearted ton of the story to put me off a bit but by the end, it was fine.


What an interesting concept.


“Nice name, very sea-worthy. Are you hungry yet?” He asked.

Because it is part of the dialog, it should be

he asked.




I’ve never actually met a regular vampire, but I know the usual stuff about them.

I think “regular” is not quite right. Perhaps that kind of something like that.


The headline read, “Maniac Killer on the Loose”.

Loose.”


The forensics expert said Councilman Wembly was killed by someone wielding what may have been a shark’s jawbone, the kind you see hanging in bait and tackle shops, and some reastaurants..

Opps, double period.


Councilman Deerfield was quoted saying ‘He was a great man and a good friend. He dedicated his life to this town and its welfare. He will be missed.'

saying, “He

missed.”




“Have you decided against eating the council? I noticed they’re all still alive.” a small, nearly non-existent smile played across his features.

A small


+++

Thank you for attending the “Vampires Ball.” I enjoyed our dance by the sea.

There are new prompts up. I would love to see what your imagination could come up with. I hope to see you again.


Alice
ecilA
461
461
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am Alice, mistress of the "Vampires Ball." I thank you for attending.


+++

It was summer in the evening and I…wait a minute.

I . . . wait

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...



The main character is vividly written.




The middle one cleared his throat, but before he could speak, Jim interrupted him, without looking up from his newspaper,

“Thank you for choosing Ed’s Farm, home of the Super Duper Hoagie and Ultra Slam Extreme Berry Coolata. My name is Jim, how can I offer you excellent service today?”

I think this should be one paragraph.



“OR HE’LL KILL YOU!”

I am not quit sure who is saying this.



“Yes, I do believe that was implied.”

Here also. Basically, I feel the story would be clearer if you were to include more dialog tags.

You seem to often separate actions from the dial, as if the dialog should be its own paragraph. Nope. This holds the story back by clouding your meaning.


“Ranch? How can possibly like Ranch? It’s disgusting!”

I think you skipped a word.

How can you possibly




“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

I doubt very much that you could find a book in-print written for an adult audience with this kind of thing.



Most of the time I do not care for first POV's but I liked this one.



The last 100 words are great.



I wish the grammar was not holding this back.



Alice
462
462
Review of Culling  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

And thank you for entering my contest "Speculation of FIction."

I still recall your call your tale "The Map" fondly.



It was a numb and faint night.

I am not quit sure what you mean here.


Other than that, I like the opening paragraph.






I sat at a corner of the library, sitting by a curtailing fire that burned within a hearth in the stone walls.

I think this be more clear if you changed it to "my library".



I like the gothic stye of your prose.


Very nice.


Alice
463
463
Review of Captured Images  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

And I thank you for attending the vampires ball. I am mistress of the dance Alice.



I love your title.


Great formatting.



Shadowed backstage, the approach of his call to the podium causes no anxiety.

I think this would read better if you were to place an article of speech at the front, such as . . .

A shadowed backstage, the approach of his call to the podium causes no anxiety.




Waiting causes more stress for this Theatre major entraped with him.

entrapped





That's the main problem with this approach, he thinks, private moments taken to public arenas are a formidable risk..

risk . . .




Eventhough she follows with a restrained step, to make sure he is on his way, she is impressed at the quick shift in his energy level as he bounds off and leaves behind her nearly soundless claps of applause.

Even though





Today I have read three other vampire tales. Yours is by far the best written.



LOVED IT!



Thank you for the wonderful dance!


I hope that you will please take a look at my list of new prompts. Perhaps you will find another tale to tell.



Alice
464
464
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am mistress of the "Vampires Ball". I will be reading all the tales again after the close of the contest. Feel free to make any changes you would like. It is the second reading that counts the most.

+++


Dirk and Nigel at the local coffee shop

Local Coffee Shop

http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000050.htm


I really like the opening paragraph. It gives a setting, tells something of the story to come and bit about the characters.


This would read better, if you were to place a space between each paragraph.



I wonder if you chose Nigel because of "Forever Night?"



The stiff wooden chair made Dirk squirm and writhe.

The should chose either squirm or writhe. Their meanings are too similar.



"Well yes, but my god, twenty seconds of violent puking is worth the hour I sit here and enjoy it."

God



Pale skin peppered with faint freckles.

This is not a complete sentence.





A slow smirk work its way across Dirk's lips as he looked up past her pushed up chest.

looks




Dirk rights himself in his chair and smooths his black shirt down a little as the waitress approaches them.

smoothes




The waitress giggles “I'm not here to judge, I'm just here to get y'all some coffee.

giggles,






The waitress nudges Dirk again “Relax killer, I'm just joking. No harm no foul right?”

again,





With a sigh, Dirk replies “Yeah, you are right.

replies,





Ok, one house, one white razz with honey, and I'll be right back.”{/b]

OK or Okay or O.K.



Over this good tale. I like the humor and pokes at Anne Rice. The small twist at the end made it the ending satisfying.



Please keep in mind, you also enter my contest again. There are several more prompts to chose from.



Thank you!


Alice
465
465
Review of Uninterested  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,


So quick fixes first.


So, incase you haven't guessed yet, I write in here. {/b]

in case


I write about what ever I feel like and even though my grammer and spelling leave much to hope for... I enjoy it greatly.

whatever

for . . . I


I say, good for you! I am glad you here just write for fun! Yah!!!!

I love all the rawr stuff. So expressive.






Alice
466
466
Review of Man in the Fog  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It is pleasure to read you again.

I think this would be easier to read if you were to separate your paragraphs.

“St. Peter, please tell me, it wasn’t my father in the fog, was it?

You forgot your closing quotation mark.

I also think think you need a transition mark before the last line.

I think this is a creepy little tale.



Thank you for your participation.


467
467
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I am mistress of the Vampires Ball and co-judge. This is my review for your enter. You should also receive another review from DayDreamer.


You followed the rules, so you are entitled to the bonus of 500 gift points.

I hope you will take a look at the list of prompts given, maybe you will find another tale to.

***


I like the title.



I feel that over all you should place a space between paragraphs. This will make it easier to be read.

Your opening paragraph does what it should, it tells about the main character, gives a setting and shows a small amount of what is to come.


A shambles of broken houses rose up close around her, their burnt-out shells savagely grinning broken-toothed smiles.

I liked this line.




And now she stood, in the centre of this…other world, chasing a vampire who had threatened the very existence of them all.

this . . . other

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...




I think you use her name a little too much.




Your description almost overwhelm the story, but you never go too far.



The corpse’s mouth hung open with small writhing bodies moving across the purpled and bruised lips.

I thought this was a great line.




Grammar and spelling are great.



Basically this is well written.


Now for the other side, I found that story offered little in the way of originality.

There was one thing I found intriguing, which was the last paragraph of the story.

Perhaps if you had entered that chapter, combined with the solid writing, them you would have a real winner. As it stands it better than okay, but not a WOW!
468
468
Review of Madre  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Congratulations!

Your story has placed second for the use of the prompt " La Llorona" in the 120.

You are entitled to 1,500 gift points.




Thank you for the tale and time.



As always,

Alice
ecilA
469
469
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Congratulations!

Your story has placed second for the use of the prompt "Lizzie Borden" in the 120.

You are entitled to 500 gift points.

This almost took first place!



Thank you for the tale and time.



As always,

Alice
470
470
Review of Soul Capture  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Congratulations!

Your story has placed First for the use of the prompt "Brown Hall Ghost" in the 120.

You are entitled to 1,500 gift points.



Thank you for the tale and time.



As always,

Alice
471
471
Review of My Pet  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Congratulations!

Your story has placed First for the use of the prompt "Rod Serling" in the 120.

You are entitled to 1,500 gift points.



Thank you the tale and time.



As always,

Alice
472
472
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Shanna,

I hope to be done judging this round of the 120 by tomorrow.

I hope you find more inspiration by the new prompts.

Thank you for your participation and patience.

***

Lizzie was sure popular this round. She has gotten the most entrees.

What a great take on the prompt.



As always,

Alice
473
473
Review of Madre  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I am the mistress of the 120. I am sorry for the delay in judging this round of the contest. I was waylaid by a bad case of the blues. I hope to done with this round in a day or two.

I hope you will take a look at the current round of the 120, maybe you will find a story to tell.

Thank you for your participation and patience.

***

The title is fine.

So is word count, formatting and spelling.



"Madre..."

"Madre . . . "

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...




"What have you dooooonnnnneeee?" Her voice has a terrible power.

her voice




On my hands, my nightgown...the walls.

nightgown . . . the




Although this not really based on the myth of La Llorona it is still wonderful.

Your description are very strong.


Alice
474
474
Review of Bloodlust  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello from the Vampires Ball,

I am host of the ball and co-judge.

I hope you will take a look at the new prompts, perhaps you will find a new tale to tell the world?

***


I feel the title is rather lackluster. Do a search and see how many other vamp tales have a title with a similar title like it.



Good opening. It shows a bit of who the character is. I feel a great many folks would be able to identify and see the humor of it.



I got a job at Sears and found a new pastime: food.

I think this would be more effective if it were presented as such,

I got a job at Sears and found a new pastime--food.




Then they were gone, so I set the plate on the table next to me and continued on to my next favorite activity: napping.

Here too.

aciivity--napping.


Please see this for use of the colon.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/colons.asp

You use it incorrectly in other places as well.





I would think telling a little about how or when he became a vampire is in order.





“Can I help you?” She asked with a confused look on her face.

she asked

Because this is part of the dialog, it should not be capitalized.



I appreciate you humor and your easy of style, I do not feel this had a strong ending or resolution. What a shame.



Alice
475
475
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Armadillo,

I think this is a poem. I am sure this does just what you wanted it do:

Political-- yes.

Entertaining--yes.

And you certainly expressed your opinions emotionally.

It is written clearly and easy to understand.

I found no errors in the way of spelling, formatting.


But you should capitalize more words in your title.



As always,

Alice
807 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 33 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vamp_cat/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19