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401
401
Review of Kutztown  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Is it interesting how a story can change. I often think that it is the surprises, the discoveries you make when you write that makes writing so much fun.


Here are my real thoughts.

My personal goal is to tell the best story I can and to get it published. The only way I can do so, is with REAL reviews.


Alice
402
402
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,


Being a child can be a wonderful time
But things can happen during this time that are not pleasant
Every child can have a dreadful memory that is horrifying to them
I have one such memory

To the reader, this may not seem so bad
But to the victim it is
At my grandfather's there were two children
My cousin and I

I think the poem would be much stronger if you were to cut these two stanzas.




Consider:




On a 'Four Wheeler' we traveled
to where transfer trailers were
Circling and circling
Driving and driving
until sick

Suddenly hit
On the corner of a transfer trailer
A bloody mark left
back to grandfather's house it was

Rushing we ran inside
Where facecloths soaked up blood
A child scolded
A father called

Soon
a drive to the hospital
required
Where
I learned waiting for a doctor
tiresome
time slowed to a stop
inching closer to Death's door
Until,
called in

The news was not good
The doctor said,
there was nothing he could do .
Was it already to late for me?

Upon
causing more bleeding
he told us what to do
The doctor’s final words we left

Returning home
I mysteriously felt better
all drowsiness left
Things quickly returned to normal
As day's passed
time went on

But I still wonder was there anything the doctor could do?
403
403
Review of Last ride  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

"Ride" in your title should be capitalized.

So lets see if we make this a better story.


The doors slid open he stepped on, just as any other morning.

The doors wooshed open as he got on.

Why the change. One, it allows the reader to hear and there for see the story and too it gets rid of some of the redundancy. There really is no need to hammer the point in any further.


This was, however, no ordinary morning; this was the last morning of his life, the last day of his life.

To me, there is one too many commas. If you read this out loud you hear too, I think? Anyway...

This was however,



His name was John Roberts. His name was no longer important. It was an unexceptional name.

I think these should be combined.

His name, John Roberts, was nothing exceptional and no longer important.




His face had a soft look to it that made him look younger then he was, but no-one would have gone so far as to call him conventionally handsome, just pleasant looking.

I have a problem with, "call him conventionally handsome" frankly I have heard a person say that. I've read it but heard it. Please consider, "
call him handsome"


As the bus roared and began to move again John thought on what a mess his life had become in the last twenty four hours.

twenty-four


He had a bad day at work; he was the manager of an electronics store. He didn’t enjoy his job. John had made a mistake with orders and was humiliated by being shouted at by his boss, who was ten years his junior (the owner of the companies son). John’s anger was hot in him and filled to the brim. The dam burst. He had leapt at his boss and punched and bit and kicked until he was pulled off. He was fired, unsurprisingly, and sent home with the promise of a lawsuit to come. John had gone home covered in the blood of his boss, more blood awaited him at home.

I would rework most of these so they did not start with, "He" or "John." It will have better flow. You should try and remove as many sentence that start with a pronoun as you can. Some are or fine but too many bogs down a story.


At the next stop three people -boarded the bus.

At the next stop, three people boarded the bus.


He met her at his aunts wedding.

aunt's


She was the friend of a cousin, and when his eyes fell on her the shyness in him melted away and he went over and asked her to dance.

her, the shyness




Laura was a free spirit, she was exciting and risk taking and for a while he became all those things.

Laura was a free spirit, exciting, risk taking and for a while, he became all those things.


{b]John recognized the first man as Dave a friend of Laura’s, he would see John they would nod recognition, but Dave wouldn’t come to sit next to John and talk.

man,



Dave spotted John, nodded at him and John nodded back.

Again is redundant. You could pare this down.

They nodded at each other.



The family went to the middle, where the mother set the pram and then sat down, her baby facing her, the baby began to cry. The day was beginning to warm up, it was spring and it would probably be a beautiful day. John was genuinely sad he wouldn’t see it.

When Laura was twenty eight she became pregnant. They were ecstatic. They had been trying for years and finally she was blessed with child. All she ever wanted in life was to be a mother.

You need a transitional moment between these two paragraphs.



When Laura was twenty eight she became pregnant.

twenty-eight,




When Laura was twenty eight she became pregnant. They were ecstatic. They had been trying for years and finally she was blessed with child. All she ever wanted in life was to be a mother.

Consider:

When Laura was twenty-eight she became pregnant. All she ever wanted in life was to be a mother. After trying for years and finally she was blessed with child, they were ecstatic.

Or

After trying for years and finally she was blessed with child, they were ecstatic. When Laura was twenty-eight she became pregnant. All she ever wanted in life was to be a mother.



He must have been at least six and half feet tall and weighing about twenty six stone.

twenty-six


Overall, it needs tightening up. What that is combine some of the sentences, remove anything that was already stated. Try and limit the pronouns at the being of the sentences as well.

Also, you should try and use some sensory details.


If you do these, the story will become even better.


Alice
404
404
Review of Last Hurt  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I do think this is full of raw emotions.


Right now I can not see breathing anymore
I can not see anything worth defending.

cannot




I feel for you. Your in hard place and some how you have to be strong.

I know this may sound silly but this is what helped me. I went to the library and got some books by Doc Phil. Little by little it got better. Now I am happy and so are my boys.

It can get better. Granted I almost had to will it come every hour, I woke and one day it was better.



Alice
405
405
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I know poetry has its own grammar rules but,


But mom’s heart feels so alone

Mom's


So mom goes to her favorite book

Mom



Then Mom sits on the internet

Internet

I do not think it should be "on." Maybe "with."



So mom just hopes for the best

Mom

(When you can substitute a name for mom or dad ect., then it should be capitalized.



And mom and the boys

Mom



As mom picks up their toys

Mom



Then Mom wont feel so alone

won't




I cannot image not living with my kids. I would be envious too. You should do some crafts with her or play a game.

I do not think that there is anything wrong stealing her way while you go to mall, or park.


We try and spend one time with each of us. Not everyday but once a month or so.


Alice
406
406
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello,

One lived a life against the odds, was a child of the Great Depression, born with a condition which experts said would only allow him to reach the age of twenty one.

If you write 21 before you should care do so again here also.


There are other places you switch back and forth too.


http://www.grammarbook.com/numbers/numbers.asp


Other than that small note it is a fine read and I love the links and pictures!
407
407
Review of Heal  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I saw this was almost ready to leave the review request list, so I thought I would pop in and take a look.

I think the title is a little blah.

I love the opening line.


A blur of green and brown covered the vision of the sparrow, it’s dark eyes taking in the vast landscape.

its


They could be seen in the distance, surrounded by a lazy mist that swirled around it’s base and peak.

its

It's is ALWAYS a contraction for either "it has," "it was," or "it is."


As it flew, the trees started to thin, revealing the brown forest floor below.

I would remove "brown". You seem to contradict this in the next sentence.


I do not think they are an odd pare. Even in real life we two opposite being good friends. They balance each other out.


Hope those filthy swine over there freeze.

I think you should consider changing the word "swine" and give this world more personality.


“This is it, lads!” Yelled a man, sporting a large gray beard, not quite hiding the many scars that covered his face.

lads!" yelled



“Healers!” Yelled Thun, the Arch-Healer of the Legion. “Ready yourselves!”

“Healers!” Thun the Arch-Healer of the Legion yelled, “ready yourselves!”

I could give some more notes but I have no idea if you find them helpful. If you would have like for to carry on, please let me know.


Alice
408
408
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again,

Thanks for sending the links to some new work.

I do like the idea of light house.

I can see why this would accompany a picture quite well.


For me this is not a huge wow. Not that it is bad. If it was I might be able to say this or that. I just preferred the others.

Alice
409
409
Review of Thanksgiving Day  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think you were really trying to mix things up with the opening line.


As the last bell chimed, he reared back his head and cried out with all the force of the years of anger, fear and hatred his ancestors had bestowed upon him. Throughout the park, a cacophony arose; his kin gave their vent to the world. As he lowered his head, he saw the woman disappear under a plethora of wings, feathers, and sharp slashing beaks.

I thought this was very nice.


I thought it was entraining.

The link was great.



Alice
410
410
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for the review!

I will tell that is a story I have worked on for a long time. I work on it and let others read it. I bet I have worked more on that story almost more than my novel.

That is what is nice about writing, you can go back and change what you will.

I wish it wasn't so hard to remember the exact day that I heard about the death of Sherman, as everything about that day is still somewhat of a blur.

As opening lines go it is okay. It hints at the story to come but not much of a hook and does little for the setting.

It also seems to contradict itself to me.


It had rained out the night before and the streets were littered with fallen leaves

It rained


I had heard that my Grammy Mondor was not feeling well and had decided to go and visit her.

I heard





Think about...



I remember it was sometime in the early autumn, the leaves on the oaks and maples were just beginning to reach their peak of color. I wish it wasn't so hard to remember the exact day I heard about the death of Sherman, as everything about that day is still somewhat of a blur. It rained out the night before and the streets were littered with fallen leaves. I heard that my Grammy Mondor was not feeling well and decided to go and visit her.



JoAnna and I had gotten up at about 6AM as it was a long drive from our house to Charleton,Ma.( Since renamed Charleton City,Ma. if you look at an atlas.)

Charleton, Ma.

City, Ma.



We left Londonderry,NH around 7:30.


Londonderry, NH



Apparently he had lost control of his car while going around a bend in the road, due to the rain and all the wet leaves that were plastered to the road.

he lost



At first I didn't quite believe that it could be my friend until they said that the jaws of life had to be used to extract him from the vehicle and that the Ford Fiesta was a total wreck.


Jaws of Life

Cut: the vehicle and that


When I heard that, I felt I was going to lose control,so I took the next exit and drove to the nearest pay phone.

control, so



I realise in hind sight that it was a stupid thing to do, but I had to do it or I would have hit her and I was brought up never, under any circumstances, that you don't hit women.

realize



She told me that if I wanted I could stop by later as she had to go through his things.All I could do was hang up.

things. All


I must dash. More tomorrow.


Alice
411
411
Review of Scooba Dooba Do  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well this made me chuckle from the first few lines. I a sure you, that happens very rarely.

Well I found no errors in the way of spelling, grammar or formatting.

The pictures were a nice touch.

If this did not win, what in the whole-heck did?



Alice
412
412
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hello again,

The nice thing about writing is it fluid and you can change it out many times. Goodness knows, I would be lost if I could not.



It was 2AM on the night of February the 13th. A night that Carter wrote about in her newspaper column.


Consider:

Carter sat at his desk, the hum of The Sacramento Bee all around him. Like a hive each drone busily did each of the jobs, putting together the next issue of newspaper.

He began to write his weekly column.

Date: February the 13th
Time: 2AM
Where:
Who:

Or

Carter sat at his desk, the hum of The Sacramento Bee all around him. Like a hive each drone busily did each of the jobs, putting together the next issue of newspaper.

He began to write his weekly column.

2AM, Saturday, February the 13th.


I like the idea of the the story being largely a newspaper column, the story that follows does not read like one. It reads like a short story.






Sleep escaped her. It had been raining all night. A screech of brakes interrupted the constant sound of drips. She witnessed the last moments beyond the rain streaked window of a blurred figure caving an indent onto the top of a car.

I would give "her" a name.

A screech of brakes interrupted the constant sound of drips.

I would switch out "drips".

One reason rain is more than drips.

Two I have read this and so have you. This is a place to express your voice.

Breaks screamed interrupting the constant wet on-slat.

Well you get the idea.




Her palms were damp as she come to realise what just happened.

This is the wrong tense.

she realized




Nobody had emerged from the driver’s side.

Cut "had" you do not need it.



Even though there were no lights or signs of activity going on opposite the apartment block at Oak park White Inn Carter sensed there was criminal activity going on.

Park

Inn, Carter




Oh Carter a female. You should tell us earlier. I had switch out the whole picture in my head.




That’s why she took up journalism Any crime that happened in the vicinity- she was there.

journalism.

This might make a great opening.




Okay, let me know if you want more or not.



Alice
413
413
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
. It was 2am on the night of February the 13th. A night that Carter wrote about in her newspaper column.


Remove the .

2AM



Sleep escaped her.It had been raining all night.

her. It



She witnessed the last moments beyond the rain streaked window of a blurred figure caving an indent onto the top of a car

car.



There are lots of little mistakes. If you want me to give detailed notes I will. But I do not want to spend the time if you do not want to clean this up.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Alice
414
414
Review of The Kennel  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Night had always been incapable of saturating this city.

I found this intriguing at first, but then I thought about it. How the heck is this possible? Especially when there were no buildings.


You never said the name of the city, or husband wife.


She got tangled in our fence….and the fence cut her so much that she bled to death right on the spot.”

fence . . . and

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...


I have no idea about any of them, including the dog.

Great last line.

I could with so little in the story. You did not allow me to see or feel the story.


Alice
415
415
Review of AN ODE TO COFFEE  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Oh your a poet.

I am not. It is far harder and more vast than most people think. However I will tell you what I think.


I loved the opening stanza. (I too am a coffee fiend. It too has the power over me to transform my disposition.)

Then you went on to jobs that did not seem to have very much to do with coffee. However, it had a nice cadence and rhyme to them. Then you brought it back to the original idea.


Now I would have preferred if you would have stayed a little more true to coffee, but I am sure how I drink my coffee is different from yours.


Alice
416
416
Review of The Assignment  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thanks for the review. You were right on all of them. I fiddled with the piece today those were the new lines.



Rob walked by the old lady on the bench everyday on his way to work as a photographer at Brighton Studios.

I think this does a good job at setting the story up but I do not think it is a real attention grabber.


“What do mean. It’s not even eight o’clock.”

I think...

mean?




“Yeah, the man answered. “And we only had to hire 230 photographers”.

"Yeah,"

photographer."

The story that takes place after the last ~ seems rushed, like it comes out of no where.

For now I am going to rate this a tad low. But if you motivate the ending some more I will happy to read it again.

If this is written with a word limit cut out Pam and the divorce, and use the words for the end. It is the end of any story that sticks with you.


I hope you found this review to helpful.



Good writing to you.


Alice
417
417
Review of The Dark Room  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello,


I don’t remember dad anymore.

Dad

He had once seemed so close to me, but now I could barely remember his face. But I could remember his eyes; those deep, piercing eyes.

I think you should cut the second "but".

The way you have it worded now, it seems as if you no longer can recall them. I think it should be "can".




Rather like the pieces of a photograph, that now lie in front of my feet.

Rather like the pieces of a photograph that now lies in front of my feet.

It also should be either connect to the line before it changed some more.



Great last line.


Alice
418
418
Review of My Dark Lover  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
You that prologue of the novel you read of mine deals with a dark dream lover too.

My Lover where are you?
No hint to where you are.


Something for you to consider:

This to me feels redundant. What I feel would make the poem stronger would to care the sense theme you have started.

Instead of "where" what smell or touch?



I can not go on without you.

cannot



I follow your heart beat as it calls.

heartbeat



Nothing can seperate us as our

If you are in the USA:

separate




I wish it had a darker feel to it, but it is still read well.

Nice cadence to it.




Alice
419
419
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like the title, and I know that it is a wip, but googled and few other novel had that title too.

I think it is a great opening.

You should spell out numbers unless they very large.

It was often thought that Rae was the fun part of Torrance, the more likable of the pair.

the most likable



What the heck is an EMP?


Her knee cap had been crushed, as well as both hands, and her left eye had been gouged out by a large hunting knife.

kneecap

Well you do not waste anytime in starting the action.


You say that there is time travel in the tag line.


If there are a lot of time shifts consider placing a date at the top of the story.

3 Years Later.

I do not think you should have a period here.


“Yes General, for Rome”

Rome."


There are a lot of sentences that start with "She". You should think about reworking some of them. This will help with the over all flow of the story.


Most soldiers had already removed their armor and began cleaning their weapons, but Torrance was still riding the high sho got from close combat.

sho?


She finally took the water from her slave, who stood by her paciently.

If you are in the USA

patiently.



I think I read that Romes bathed in blood. If they did not you should change it.



Growing up, she never fought atop anything other than a car, and hand to hand combat was only used at close quarters when she ran out of bullets.

hand-to-hand



It had been three years since that god forsaken device threw her back over two thousand years.

god-forsaken



Perseus’ army had deployed guerrilla tactics, using archers masked in trees.


gorilla



“Captain Remanius,” She said as she passed the young captain who assisted her in the removal of the Macedonian archers.

Remanius," she



“How can I serve you, General?” The captain asked.

General?" the



There was a place were you capitalized the word "Gods" and then there is at least one you do not. Well it should never be capitalized.

http://www.uwf.edu/writelab/reviews/capitalization...


He knew what an honor it was to speak one on one with the General, even as a Captain.

captain.



Do not hink that your efforts will go unnoticed, or unrewarded.

hink"




“And what of the villages?” He asked.


villages?" he


Romans wouldn’t have to lay siege , a starving and sick population would probably slaughter Perseus themselves.

siege,


there was wind, but she couldn't breath.

There


Bandits were the first to find her, but she was able to dispatch of them rather quickly with her night stick, which was always tucked into her pocket.

nightstick



She knew that she probably looked like some post apocalyptic ninja, but she couldn’t share the observation with anyone, as they wouldn’t understand.

Love this line.


So far this is fun.


I would like more description sprinkled in here and there.



The reason it is 4 and not higher is I felt cheated. I wanted to know who the dealt with it all, being dropped into a place where everything was so foreign.



Alice
420
420
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I saw this in Spawn's YA Novel review. I am there too, and just like I am not sure it is an YA.

Opening paragraph: I feel you give her a name right from the get-go. After readers make the choice to read or not in first few words.


“Olivia.”

I think you need to tell who is talking.


He was right, she wasn’t his daughter.

I do not think you should use a comma here.


Best? a tiny voice inside her asked, best for whom?

I would place a single quote and italics on the word "Best?"

I also think "a" should be capitalized.




I think you should rework some of the sentences that start with the pronoun. This can make a story drag.



Is this important to the story that lays ahead. Will any of the characters reappear in the following chapters? I feel strongly that if the answer is no, you should either rework it or cut it.


The overall reason I did not give this a higher make is not because it is poorly written. The writing is fine. The reason I did is because if feels as I have read something like a million times, which is fine. There is nothing really new we can write about; what we can do is to write it in away that unique and fresh. For me, you did not.

Absolutely none of this is not fixable. That is one of the best things about writing is that is so liquid, and you can change it.



Good writing to you.



ALice
421
421
Review of A Perfect Present  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I am the newest co-judge in "Highwind's Monthly Horror Contest".


I found the title interesting.

I thought the opening was good.



Wait awhile, will you, my dear?

I think this would read better without all the comma's.


You have lots of formatting issues in the story.


I think this fine but for me it is nothing that after I have read it, it is going to stick with me.



Alice
422
422
Review of Cow  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am a sucker for certain things. One of them are stories with animals in them. Not tragic tales, there is enough of that in life.

When Marvin woke up that morning, the first thing he noticed was the strange silence.

This maybe a question of style but I think this would be stronger if it read thusly:

There was a strange silence as Marvin woke.

I feel this is cleaner and more vivid.



He was used to silence – living in the country, surrounded by farmland, he had no choice but to get used to it. He peeked through the blinds - there were no birds twittering in the cornfield across the road, no squirrels playing in the tree outside his window.

He shrugged and stretched and let out an exaggerated yawn.

I pulled these to show that you have three sentences in a row that start with the same pronoun. This is fine grammatically of course, but you are telling a story. Something like this bogs down a story and is an easy fix. Consider:


He was used to silence – living in the country, surrounded by farmland, he had no choice but to get used to it. Peeking through the blinds - there were no birds twittering in the cornfield across the road, no squirrels playing in the tree outside his window.

He shrugged and stretched and let out an exaggerated yawn.



I wish you would go into more what Woody looked like.



When he clipped the leash to the dogs’ collar, Woody became anxious.

dog's

Dogs' is if it were all dogs or a group of dogs.



You have to show a dog who’s boss.

whose


They came towards the fence at a brisk walk, their faces and forequarters caked in blood.

walk;


Not that you said so, but I always thought that cows were kept in barns or very large pens. The reason it troubled me was I thought there should have been a barrier between them and the cows. This would increased the tension.

I think you need to increase the tension, easy into the ending some more. For me it is just too abrupt a change.

I do like the straight forward narrative of the story. But I would like just a tad more description of it all. Not much, just a word or two here and there.


This is just one horror hags thoughts. Listen yourself first.


I did enjoy this and I would love to read more or tales.



Alice
423
423
Review of The Natural End  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

I am helping judge this round of the "Hey, A Genre" contest. I am not the final judge and this is not the only time I will read you story.


Good title and tag.


I like the opening line.


There are places where the formatting needs work.


I think this needs some connected story between the opening paragraph and the second. It is too big a jump. I have no idea why they go there.



I remember waking up at 4 in the morning in our hotel room, my mother helping to dress me in a starched mini-suit while my father stood at a table.

four



He had reached its natural end and, peering closely, exclaimed, “I didn’t expect that to be there.”

He reached



After quick discussions, the university issued a public statement announcing they had encountered an unidentifiable substance which, due to the manner in which it had been obtained, lead them to believe it was the first documented soul.



After quick discussions, the university issued a public statement announcing they had encountered unidentifiable substances, which, due to the manner in which it had been obtained, lead them to believe it was the first documented soul.




Twenty nine people died; nothing remained of the soul.

Twenty-nine


{b] Your mother has talked with your teacher, and he’s ok with you being out of school for a little while.

OK

or

okay




Great idea, but overall I feel the story is a little too rushed. The is 4.5 and plot and characters are fine but a lot of things lack motivations. They just seem to happen.

Also for me I like description. There are some nice touches but I would have liked to more.





Alice
424
424
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I thought I would peek.


Apple Tree :Part one

Tree: Part one



An abuse girl runs away from family and goes into a graveyard with a apple tree.

abused



“Get back here!” Yelled the drunken mad father.

This should stand on its own.

Consider:

This is all tell us and not showing us. What that means is that choosing different words.

Look at thesaurus.

http://thesaurus.reference.com/

The word "yell"

scream
Synonyms: bawl, bellow, call, cheer, complain, cry, holler*, hoot, howl, lament, roar, scream, screech, shout, shriek, shrill, squawk, squeal, undulate, vociferate, wail, weep, whoop, yap, yelp, yip


The is too formal. This distance us from the story.


Mad

abandoned, agitated, berserk, distracted, distraught, enraged, exasperated, excited, frantic, frenetic, fuming, furious, incensed, infuriated, irritated, livid, provoked, raging, resentful, seeing red*, uncontrolled, very upset, wild, wrathful


You told the basic story, or part of the story here. You may think the work is done. Nope. And we are not really talking polishing. Polishing is fixing grammar, fixing holes--whatever.


See what you are writing about, kind like a movie only you are in it.

Think about how things, people, places smell, taste, feel, and sound.

Think about seating: time, place.

Lastly what is the overall feel you want the reader to feel.

Words matter. They are what you paint the world with. Each one matters.


“Get back here!” Yelled the drunken mad father.

No real need to say yelled. You already told so with !



"Get back here!" her father's slurred words

Now I go for a feeling.



"Get back here!" her father's slurred words placed cold fear in her heart.



"Get back here!" her father's slurred words felt like ice pikes.




"Get back here!" her father's slurred words fell on her like stones.



You let me know if you would like me to go on. I will, if you will.


I could just give you basic notes, like:

Rework some of the sentences that start with pronouns. This weighs down a story.


“What’s happening to me?” As she moaned.

As she moaned is not right.

“What’s happening to me?” she moaned.

Or

She moaned as she said, “What’s happening to me?”



The women picks her up and carries her into the dark fog…………………….

woman

carried

fog . . .

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...




Alice
425
425
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

There are little errors in the story, nothing major and it certainly did not get in the way of me understanding the story. So if you want notes, shoot me a note and I will do my very best to be of aid to you.

I think this has a nice touch of Poe to it.


Alice
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