Think, Pat.
I have no idea if this is a man or a woman. It would a lot easier to see and feel if I know the sex the person was.
Alright, I’m in a department store.
All right,
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/alright
The complete and utter silence I’m now hearing is coming from the store’s manager.
I give up, how do you here silence from one person in a place where many things are happening.
I’ve decided to hit the skinless bear on the head again.
How the heck is a skinless bear walking around? It would quickly bleed to death to walk around very much.
I’ve decided to hit the skinless bear on the head again.
I do so.
…
Patty repeated this pattern about ten times in a row before she admitted to herself that it wasn’t helping.
I was unsure for a moment what "Patty repeated this pattern" meant for a moment. I think you should make this more clear. In an opening chapter you must tickle the reader to read further. However it things are not clear in an interesting way, I will find something else to read.
No matter how flat she made the monster’s head, she was still standing in the same food aisle of the same department store, and the fire in men’s wear was still spreading.
I think you should consider opening with this. It is interesting and does what an opening should, give a setting, a character and tell us something of the story to come in a vivid way.
Patty had put up with quite a bit in the last ten minutes, but getting soaked was just enough to get her to finally leave.
"Had" is one of the words that you can often do without. When can take it out you should. This helps with the overall flow of the story. It quickness the pace and tightens the story.
Patty put up with quite a bit in the last ten minutes, but getting soaked was just enough to get her to finally leave.
She strolled up to the cash registers up front and mused over how strange they now looked to her. They looked so normal just a few minutes ago.
I think you should clarifying who "They" are. Again you maybe loosing a reader. I can see who "They" are. I do not know who "They" are.
Of course, back then there wasn’t a customer torn to pieces in the eight items or less aisle. Patty took a closer look, to confirm it wasn’t anyone she knew, and couldn't help but notice that they had about fifteen items in their carriage.
“Bastard had it coming.”
She did note, however, that he was torn into exactly eight pieces.
Nice bit of humor here.
The greeter turned and ran toward the opening, peering at the mysterious shadows that moved in the shadowy twilight outside.
I think you should change one of the "shadow" to something else.
If panic held Patty in place, she never would have admitted it.
This makes me cringe. It is too cute.
If panic held her in place, she never would have admitted it.
{b]She would tell herself that it was the result of confusion, or disbelief. The old greeter was screaming and flailing as the beast crushed and tore his frail frame slowly apart.
Where I agree that being tore apart "slowly" is more gruesome, I do not think the bear would have taken its time with him. Maybe it was. If so, you should say so.
Without a word, Patty gripped the bat and calmly, quickly, made her way toward the back exit, just as the bear left the greeter’s corpse and lunged into the eight items or less aisle.
Okay, I love King, and where I do not think you should write like him, his advice has some weight to it. He says in On Wring, that adverbs should be avoided as much as possible. That is a sign you are being a lazy writer. This is the 5 or ly I have caught. Some are unavoidable but a lot are not.
A middle aged man, who had wayyyyyyyy too many items in his carriage, decided it was better to duck and hide instead of run.
PLEASE TO NOT "yyyyyyy". Is that something you would see if you picked up an adult book from you library? To me, it is too childish for this story and unnecessary.
You already know how he fared.
I think this should be cut or reworded.
Patty began to stammer and point, but the manager was a ‘time is money, can do’ kind of person, which was a path that apparently led to a monstrous demon from hell.
I think " "time is money, can do' " should read, " 'time is money' ".
As she ran through the newly empty aisles of the mega mart, the other customers, already well ahead of her, began pushing their way through the emergency exit.
"Mega mart" feels like it is similar to Wal*Mart. If so, then you should rethink this statement. I think it would take longer to clear the isles. I think there would still stragglers.
Patty’s mind was built upon foundations of rational knowledge, and one of its cornerstones was the strong belief that if a man is on fire, they won’t just sit and smile smugly at you.
Good line!
Flames enveloped the surrounding racks of unfashionable garments, but all Patty marveled about was how perfect and uninjured the man’s eyes were, despite the fact that the fire has all but consumed the rest of his flesh.
I think you should cut, "uninjured" you say they are perfect, I do not think you need anything more.
Another bit of flesh, which was melting like wax rather than charring, dripped down and landed on its foot. It sizzled like fat on a frying pan.
Consider:
A bit of flesh melted like wax, dripped down and landed on its foot, sizzling like fat on a frying pan.
Strangely enough, its life and flame extinguished at the exact same moment, although the fire on the clothes racks continued to spread through the department.
Life and flame extinguished at the exact same moment, although the fire on the clothes racks continued to spread through the department.
Patty almost swore she saw the flame dance and leap from rack to rack, as if it had a life of its own.
Consider:
The flame danced and leaped from rack to rack with a life of its own.
Or
With a life of its own, the flames leaped from one rack to the next.
If you would me to finish the review I will.
Here is what I feel could really make this opening chapter a WOW and not only good.
I would rework the start of this chapter so that we see the skinless bear do its thing and see the reaction to it. I think this would make a lot stronger and really give a read a clear reason to see what was going on. I also think it would take away a bit of that "Army of Darkness" feel to it.
Also, I feel you add more details to take the story to next level. When I read a novel, I really want to get into that world. This still has a lot of that short story feel to it. Like: What was the bat made of? If it was wood or metal it would feel and sound different.
I think you need to add some sensory details to the tale: what more things feel like, sound like, smell like.
I think action is good.
And it is a story worth telling and one many will enjoy reading.
Let me know if you would like me to review any further.
I hope you found these notes helpful.
I know this has gotten a string of high reviews so my advice may not carry any weight, I did as you asked.
All the best to you and your muse.
Alice
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