|Thank you for asking me to review this poem for you.
First of all, it is lovely, and it flows. Two things that are very important. I have no idea why you double spaced it. Do you?
This is really difficult for me to review, because the temptation is to rewrite it, using fewer words, the same ones, only making it sparser. I wouldn't change
anything down to "it looks fake." That is a sudden,
different statement from the gold sun and blue sky.
As a reader I expect or at least hope that I am going to be shown a new and different way of looking at
Then you undo your pinned-up hair and let it flow free
and blow and you realize the meaning of the word beautiful. Then I think I would skip to beauty lies within, you can hear it and feel it in the presence of the person you love, or in the wind with your hair-blowing free; it is neither fake nor perfect, but the
most fragile thing God has made; then your last two lines which seem to me fine, but I'd make them three lines: beautiful is what I'm feeling/and seeing/right
Well, I did almost rewrite it completely didn't I? You have a wonderful concept here, of beauty as something within, something small, that can only be felt. I'd suggest you try to tighten your language a bit, to not
use one word that you do not need to explicate what you want to say. Does this make sense to you? I hope so, because I am in no way trying to discourage you -
quite the opposite. I can feel the presence of a poet behind these words, one that will develop the more that
he/she writes.And I certainly hope that you do keep writing, and posting here on Writing.com.
You understand, of course, that this is just one opinion, and I am just one reviewer, and that the poem is YOUR poem to do with as you please. With just a little rewriting, you'll be well on your way.
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