*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/warpedsanity/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
1,142 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to give reviews the way I prefer to receive them. Honesty, thoughts for improvement, and identifying strengths are aspects that I prefer from others, so I give these things in return. Rising star award
I'm good at...
I can pretty much review anything, whether poetry or short stories. My favorite genres to read are horror and the odder side of fiction, but I am open to reading other genres. If I do review a genre that is not one I particularly enjoy reading, then I am most likely going to review it based on the structure, rather than the content.
Favorite Genres
I tend to gravitate toward writings in the dark genres. With short stories and novels, horror is my favorite. With poetry, I prefer writings that display raw emotions. If your writing tackles a subject that people find offensive, I might like it.
Least Favorite Genres
Christian literature, Western, and Children's. I will NOT read or review anything that consists of XGC material between minors and adults or encourages abuse as acceptable behaviors.
Favorite Item Types
Dark poetry, horror, emotional, autobiographical, erotica, psychology
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror is one of my favorites to read and write. Also, poetry that tackles intense subject matter interests me.
I will not review...
I WILL NOT review anything that encourages abuse as acceptable behavior or includes XGC material between a minor and adult. All review requests asking me to read whole novels or later chapters will be rejected. The reason being is that I can not give a fair review of chapter 3 when I have not read the chapters before that and, the time allowance when requests for reviews are made does not allow for enough time to read a whole novel.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Come on in and join the fun!


Hi, LegendaryMasK❤ ! I'm here to review "How Time Heals All Wounds for the "OPEN HOUSE Forum.

You had this particular item in your introductory file, showing what you are most proud of and/or would prefer reviews on. I chose this one because of the description. Being that it would most likely be non-fictional, I thought it would give some insight on you. It is always interesting reading non-fictional writing from fellow writers because like most writers I am nosy and like learning about people. *Bigsmile*

On the subject of death, everyone deals with it in a different way. So, it was interesting to get your Christian perspective. Even though you and I are of different faiths, I could see some similarities in the healing process.

Although, in my case, it was my father, who actually passed away eight years ago. Last month was the anniversary of his death. When you mentioned missing talking to her on the phone, I thought about how I did the same with my father. Although, for some reason, my father's e-mail was still active for many years, probably because it was a Gmail. Anyways, I e-mailed him when I felt a need to speak to him.

Since this is not a typical short story and is instead a telling of your emotions and thoughts on the healing process, I figured I would review it a little differently than I do short stories.


What I enjoyed about the writing
What I appreciate most about this is how you show that death does not have to make you stop living. Instead, through that living, we allow those who have passed away to live on through memory. Like you mentioned about removing a cake from the oven and it entwining with her lemon cake. Then the same with remembering her as if she was taking part in your children growing up.

For those who follow the Christian fair, I believe that this story would be a reminder to have faith in God and not blame him for the loss and to instead appreciate the gift of their life for which he blessed you with while they were here.

Suggestions
There were a few structural issues that jumped out at me.


I was barely 22 years old with two baby sons, the accident was three days before my oldest sons fifth birthday. This sentence does not quite flow correctly. I assumed this was supposed to be an accident for which was the cause of your mother's death, but it would be good to add some clarity to the sentence. Also, the sentences that follow could be made crisper. Below is a suggestion that might read better, for which includes the concepts expressed.

The accident that resulted in my mother's death occurred when I was barely 22, with two young children, ages 2 and 5.


As, I watched my sons grow into handsome men. I would feel her presence as if she was there celebrating their birthdays, graduations, weddings, and then the birth of her great-grandchildren.
- There are several grammar and sentence structure issues here. Below is an example of a way to correct.

As I watched my sons grow into handsome men, I would feel her presence as if she was there celebrating their birthdays, graduations, weddings, and the birth of her great-grandchildren.

Looking back and remembering a day that she held me, while fixing up my owies and wiping away my tears. How it felt to have her comforting me as I sat there and choked back those tears of pain. I can imagine the sound of her voice, the scent of her Ivory soap and shampoo she'd used that day.- This includes two sentence fragments, followed by a complete sentence. Below is an a way to fix it.

Sometimes I look back on how she held me while fixing up my owies and wiping away my tears. I remember how it felt to have her comforting me as I sat there and choked back those tears of pain. I can imagine the sound of her voice, the scent of her Ivory soap and shampoo she'd used that day.

Final thoughts
This was an endearing little story, for which those of us who have lost someone can relate. I am glad that you have allowed her memory to live on through the celebration of joys in your life. Seems to be a healthy way of coping.

Thank you for sharing your writing. It has been a pleasure reading you tonight. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
127
127
Review of Dream Girl  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Come on in and join the fun!




Hi there! This popped up on the random read and review, so I thought I would give it a read and share my thoughts on it.

This was quite dramatic. Hopefully, this is not non-fictional. As someone who has faced trauma, I understand how it can linger throughout our lives. So, in that way, I do believe you were able to create an emotional imprint in your reader.

Looking at the date posted, it appears that you just recently shared and edited this. So, I am wondering if maybe it is incomplete. The reason I say this is because it seems to be an introduction to the inner emotional struggle of a character, but there is no twist or definite conclusion to the story.

It would be interesting to know what Melanie actually does with the gun. There are all sorts of directions you could go with this character.

Besides feeling incomplete, there are a few issues with the execution here. For one, adding some spacing between paragraphs would look better and be easier on your reader's eyes. Otherwise, it is easy to get confused about where a paragraph begins and where one ends.

And Bobby, the old me- This is a sentence fragment. Also, it reads as if you are telling us that Bobby is actually here. So, if you don't mean she is mentally ill with multiple personalities, then you might want to correct that.

When writing a short story it is better if characters are introduced by name in the beginning, not only released towards the middle or end of the story. It gets rather confusing otherwise. You mention your father, then later you mention Melanie and Bobby. Are these two other people, or is this the main character and the father?

This needs a lot of work for clarity and maybe some other story elements like twists and a solid conclusion. In many ways, it seemed like a rough draft of an idea that you sketched together really quick. So, maybe take those ideas and expand on them.

Thank you for sharing your writing. *Heart*





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
128
128
Review of Amen  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Come on in and join the fun!


Hi there! I ran across this on the random read and review and thought that I would share my thoughts on it. It was quite the emotional read.


First thoughts

On my first read through, my thoughts were that this was a very sad poem, but it is also a poem about the subjects devout faith.

Imagery
The imagery is of someone who is watching as a loved-one is on their deathbed. At first, I assumed that it was a spouse, but then at the end, I learned it was the mother watching her son pass away. We also learn that this is not only about faith, and loss, but also about healing through letting go. This is evident when he expresses his strife to his mother and the world.

Emotive qualities
The tone begins with sadness, as we are told that an older woman's light is dissipating through her sorrow. Light leaving gives a sense of lost hope.

Descriptions of the man like "hollow cheeks" "his final place/ in the living world, with his eyes he seeks" rings all too familiar for those of us who have sat next to someone who is dying.

Flow
The poem flows fluently through rhyme and each line and stanza flows into the next, without any confusing bits.

Mechanics
The only suggestion I have is with your use of "blowing". When I think of blowing, I think of air or wind, which dries, or weathers something. Some other two syllable words to consider could be "bleeding" or "muting".

Final thoughts
This was a sad, but meaningful and relatable poem. If this is autobiographical, I am sad for your loss. No parent should have to lose a child. *Heart*

Thank you for sharing your writing. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
129
129
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Come on in and join the fun!

I clicked on read a newbie, which is located in the community tab to the left of your screen, and found this little treasure of yours. So, I thought I'd share my thoughts on it.


First thoughts

Many seem to think free verse is void of any structure, but in reality, to be a well-written poem it must still be emotive through the use of original analogy and enjambment. In my opinion, your poem is an excellent example of how a great free verse poem should be written.

Imagery
I love how this poem engrosses the reader into the evaluation of a deteriorating landscape. When reading it, at first I was thinking of actual land that is being destroyed by the hands of man. Then you offer a twist at the end, with the realization that the subject of the poem is that landscape, scarred and aging.

Emotive qualities
Maybe because I am in the aging process, seeing those signs in the mirror, this poem was particularly impactful emotionally. Although, I believe that anyone would understand the emotions of the subject, whether they are going through it or not.

Flow
The poem flows excellently through the proper use of enjambment. Each line breaks, divulging more of the subject's emotions, and apparent evaluations when looking in the mirror. when read out-loud there are no areas that I tripped over.

Mechanics
There are no issues with grammer or spelling. It is perfect as is.

Final thoughts
I really enjoyed reading your words. Thank you for sharing your creativity and raw emotion with me. You should consider submitting this poem to "The Newbies + Open Poetry Contest. It is a promptless contest, so you can submit any new poem. The only rule is that you must be a new member on this site, which you are.

Also, when you have time, I'd love if you entered my contest "Rebel Poetry Contest, that is if you find any of the prompts encite your muse.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
130
130
Review of Anomalies  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hi there, Psyman . As you requested, I am here to review your story "Anomalies. This review will also be submitted to the "24 Karat Gold Reviewing Competition.

For me, reviewing is as much of a learning tool as it is a teaching tool. By reading and helping you, I am helping myself to become a better writer. After reading this, if you have any questions, feel free to contact me and I will answer them to the best of my ability.


The hook

That first introductory paragraph has a robotic feel. It almost seems like the character is viewing their body's reactions as if it is not their own. Personally, I found this intriguing. It made me wonder if the body was their host or if they were a robot. So, this worked great as a hook.

Although, I have a little advice here. You begin with present tense in the first sentence, but then switch to past tense. I'd suggest staying within the same tense to avoid confusion.

Dialogue
This story only consists of inner thought dialogue, which in my opinion is executed very well. The thoughts coincide with the actions of the character. For example, when the hand escapes gravity and she laces her fingers together, she thinks about how it seems to be the normal thing to do. It is almost like those thoughts are contemplating or remembering what is normal.

I feel that adding Angela's words indented, rather than in italics was a great choice here. It prevented confusion. It is clear that it is presented like a video in the character's head, rather than just thought patterns.

Character Development
Typically it would be odd to not divulge the main character's name, but in this story, it makes a lot of sense because they themselves are trying to understand who and what they are. As they go on a journey of mental discovery, so is the reader. Through vivid descriptions, I felt as if I was them, learning about myself.

There is a lot of imagery here that make these characters interesting and feel real. The main character seems almost robotic as if they are grasping at memories that were implanted by another. Little details like it feeling strange about moving body parts as if they were new, yet they sense something familiar about them, peak curiosity as their identity unravels throughout the story.

Descriptions of Angela are shown through bits of memory, played like a video in the character's mind. Her physical traits are well defined, as well as her way of dressing. Understanding that she is a scientist, the descriptions of her in a pant dress suit are realistic to someone in a professional field.

Scenery
I love the way you describe these anomalies. Through your descriptions, I could see them almost in a horrific way. Showing the world, where these anomalies where occurring, through the eyes of Angela worked well. It created a distinction between the current place the character was in and where Angela was. She appeared to be watching the destruction of the world as she knew it through a spaceship.

When it comes to the main character's location, details like gravity explain that it is an earth-like planet. Although, there isn't much detail about the planet. Some ways that details could be added is possibly the description of plant life mingled into the actions of the story. We don't know whether it is night or day, so maybe they open their eyes to two moons, or the sun blaring in their eyes.

Plot
The plot was excellent! I was glued to it from beginning to end. There are hints throughout, like the explanations of the planet being in uprise over these anomalies, Angela's location, and the story being divulged in a series of memories, that hint at the ending, but don't divulge it completely. Being surprised was refreshing.

In my opinion, rarely does a cliffhanger work in a story. It takes great skill to do so without the story appearing unfinished. Yet, in this case, you did an excellent job. Still, I would love to read a part two to know what happens in this new world. Better yet, this could be an intro to a novel. There are so many places you could take this.

Mechanics
appendage that seamed familiar but altogether new- Seam is used in sewing, but the word seem denotes familiarity. So, "seem" would make more sense in this sentence.

Form fitted- This is a compound word, hence it should be "form-fitted"

New found appendages to manipulate!- Newfound is the correct way to write the compound word.

With some effort(,) the legs started to flex- "With some effort" is an introductory phrase, which means that a comma needs to come after it.

After several times through the speech(,) the message was finally-
"After several times through the speech" is an introductory phrase, hence there needs to be a comma after it.

There was rolling grey rock hills- The word here should be "were" because there is more than one hill. "Was" is used when there is a singular item.

and for the rest of the process(,) it is perfectly affixed- Comma is needed after the introductory phrase,

Of course (,) these questions have brought on a lot of interest- This is another missing comma after an introductory phrase.

Corporations, religious groups(,)and various other organizations- When there are three or more elements or phrases listed in a sentence, there needs to be a comma separating them all, including before "and".

The last worry(,)of course(,) has not been taken seriously- The placement of the phrase "of course" makes it an interrupter, which means there needs to be a comma before it and after it.

In order to make it through the transition(,) the travelor would have- Missing a comma after the introductory phrase.

In order to make it through the transition(,)the traveler would have to be in complete stasis- Another missing comma after an introductory phrase

The opportunity to be the first one on another planet(,) however (,) was a very powerful lure.- "however" is an interruption, hence there needs to be a comma before and after.

also showed the form fitted head rest- This is a compound word, so it should be "headrest".

but with luck(,) I will be able to remember- "but with luck" is an introductory phrase, which means that a comma is needed after.

It appears that your biggest issue in this area is understanding the use of commas when it concerns introductory phrases or interrupters. Below are a few links that might help you with this.

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/commas-after-introd...
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma-with-interrup...

Final thoughts
The reasoning for the three and a half stars is mostly due to the constant grammar issues found. The story itself is excellent. I'm hoping that you get around to editing this. If you do, make sure to let me know. In respect of fellow writers, I am always happy to reevaluate my rating when a writer e-mails me, letting me know that an item has been repaired.

Thank you for sharing your writing and choosing me to review it. It has been a pleasure taking a tour through your imagination.


Rising star award


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
131
131
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Come on in and join the fun!


Hi, Ken. Browsing the random read and reviews I found this poem. So, I figured I would share my thoughts on it.

First thoughts

On my first readthrough, I thought, I am soooo happy that my daughters are past that age! Like you express, the simplest things are so important at that young age.

Imagery
The imagery is of a father, who is coming home from work to the chaos that children bring. The yard is a mess, for which he'd make them clean, but alas they wouldn't listen anyways.

The children are relatable from a parents point of view. Like most young people today, they are distracted by their electronic devices. And, of course, social media is what determines their value these days.

Emotive qualities
I found the poem comical in a relatable way. I found myself shaking my head, thinking, yep, that is exactly how it is. I felt pity for the father. Poor guy just got home and has to deal with drama from both women. Rather than being greeted by his wife by "hi, Honey" or "How was your day?" he is greeted with her stress and silence telling him to handle the mess around so that she can cook.

Flow
The poem flows well due to consistent rhyme. Each stanza flows smoothly into the next telling a story of this household.

Mechanics
From my perception, this was error free. It is a well-written poem. Since it was written some time ago, I imagine it has already undergone a lot of editing.

Final thoughts
I've enjoyed reading your verse, mostly because, as a parent, I relate all too well.

Thank you for sharing your writing, Ken! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
132
132
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Come on in and join the fun!



Hi there! I found this by chance through the random read and review. So, I thought I would share my thoughts on it.

This little story from a veteran WdC member serves as a reminder of why when we leave feedback, we should make sure to be positive at the same time. For newer writers who might be sharing their writing for the first time, an all negative review could be extremely discouraging. It could be the deciding factor on whether they give-up or post something else on here.

Especially since this is written by a veteran on the site and a moderator on the site, this is particularly impactful. Those who know you, most likely have taken your courses on WdC at one time or another. So, it is easy to assume that your first experiences on here lead to how you treated others on the site.

This was an excellent little piece of written experience and one that many should read to understand the significance of our individual influence on new members here.

Thank you for sharing your writing, Winnie! And, thank you to your friend who helped you in your beginnings. After all, if it were not for being given such a great experience, who knows, you might not have been the helpful longterm member that you are now.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
133
133
Review of Just $29.95  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Come on in and join the fun!


I've been trying to work through all the saved stories I have in my review template. Most likely you posted this in the newsfeed and I set it aside planning to give it a read and review. I tend to do that pretty regularly, which is probably why I have like 20 member items stored in my review template *FacePalm*. My apologies for taking so long to get to it.

The hook
That first paragraph works great as a hook. The reader is introduced to the conflict of the story. Rick is unable to sleep. Knowing that this was horror, I was curious about the horrific reason why.

Dialogue
Spoken words in the quotation marks are done really well. When dialogue begins with the television, the story is carried well. Although, you are a bit redundant with the word "said". In those areas, some body language would show the characters more. In others, you add body language with "said" and the word could be deleted in those areas because we already know someone said something by the quotation marks and that the one doing the action is saying it.

Character Development
Since Rick is playing video games and making bets about staying up, it is easy to assume that he is a younger man. The reader gets a clear understanding of the man's mental state. His body is restless while his mind is not functioning at full speed. Knowing this, once the reader is introduced to the television scene, it is easy to conclude that it is just a dream, hence why he doesn't feel pain.

Scenery
There really isn't a lot of scenery, but there is just enough info to tell the story. If you wanted to add more to the scenery, you could easily do it to build the character, making him a slob or an OCD neat-freak.
Plot
I loved the plot. You did great in the building of suspense, without making the ending too obvious.

There are some great descriptions in the showing of this story. My favorite is when you describe the finger flying in the air and the blood.

Mechanics
But his body felt like it could run a marathon.- instead of felt, which is more of a telling rather than showing word, maybe you could put something like, "His body was energized for a marathon" or "His energy level was that of an athlete prepared to run a marathon."

Final thoughts
This story sort of reminded me of the television scenes in a few of King's books. If I am remembering correctly, there was one in Needful Things and The Stand.

Overall, I really thought this was a great story. I was glued to it from beginning to end. The advice that I have shared are only ways that I feel would make a great story even better. Hopefully, my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
134
134
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Come on in and join the fun!

You sent me a request for a review a few days ago, so I am finally here to share my thoughts on your writing.


First thoughts

The story is an endearing one that displays a couple's last moments together.

Imagery
The imagery displayed is more so the descriptions of what is going on in the environment and the emotions of the subject. He/she is reflecting on their imperfections in the relationship and on their love for the other. From what I gathered, something apocalyptic is about to happen and they are sitting on a hill awaiting their death.

Emotive qualities
The story itself is a sad one. It seems to reflect the thought of appreciating what you have in life because you never know when it will be gone.

Flow
For me, this seemed more like a flash fiction or prose than a poem. Personally, since it was void of analogy or any other poetic elements, other than line breaks, it really did not feel like a poem.

Mechanics
In poetry, you do not have to capitalize every first word in a line. Especially with free verse, capitalization can be used to enhance the emotion of the piece, instead. For example, sometimes people will capitalize words like Him or Her to emphasize them, while they use a lowercase i to minimize themselves.

Final thoughts
I felt that the story itself was a bittersweet one. Although, in my opinion, it would work better as a story, rather than written as a poem.


Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully, my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
135
135
Review of breathless  
Review by warpedsanity
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello there, again. Since you notified me of the repairs made, I wanted to just stop by quickly and adapt my rating. Anything I review, I am happy to revisit and adjust my rating accordingly.

136
136
Review of breathless  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Come on in and join the fun!


While browsing the random read and reviews I ran across this little poem. So, I figured I would share my thoughts on it.


First thoughts

My first emotional response, once I finished reading this, was sadness for this young girl. Sometimes people just do not see how their relationships with other adults affect children for either the positive or negative.

Imagery
The imagery is of a young girl reenacting her parent's behaviors with her dolls. Rather than telling us, you show us how children learn abusive behaviors in the home, you show us through a metaphor.

Emotive qualities
For me, since you showed me an image of this girls emotions, rather than just told me that children repeat behaviors and are hurt through watching abuse, it made the words more emotive. Even if someone has not experienced this, they are likely to understand how it would feel for a young child.

Flow
The free verse flowed well through the enjambment. Line breaks are done well, enhancing the emotional content.

Mechanics
You seem to use end punctuation in some places and not in other places. I understand that poetry does not necessarily have to follow grammar rules like stories. Although, if the grammar does not follow rules, it really should be used as an enhancement to the poem. In this case, it doesn't really work that way. So, I would suggest either deleting the end punctuation or utilizing it throughout, rather than sporadically.

Final thoughts
Although this poem was sad, it shows a reality that many need to understand. Whether we realize it or not, we teach our children through our own choices and behaviors. Sadly, in the case of this little girl, she is learning that love comes from abuse.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read in your port. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully, my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
137
137
Review by warpedsanity
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a fun little exercise! 🌓 HuntersMoon posted this in the newsfeed, bringing it to my attention, so I figured I would give it a try.


Once upon a time, there was a squirrel, who lived in the Beyou. Everyday, he played a game of chase with the landowner's dog, Ralph. One day, Ralphs's obnoxious barking woke his owner in the wee hours of the morning, and the barking continued throughout the day, while the two animals played chase. Because of that, the landowner was on his last nerve. Until finally, he learned squirrel was tasty in a boiling pot of gumbo stew.
138
138
Review of Spilt Wine  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Come on in and join the fun!


While browsing through the random read and reviews I came across this little story. So, I figured I would give it a read and review.


The hook

You jump right into the action of the story with the two children running after one another. Dispite the technical errors, this does work as a good hook.

Dialogue
Dialogue inside the quotation marks is done really well. It is realistic to the age of the children. One suggestion that I do have is instead of said, add the actions of the story. Below is an example.

"I did not! It was already broken," said Amanda. "Give me my wand."

My suggestion: "I did not! It was already broken!" Trish hanked the wand out of Amanda's hands. "Give me my wand."

Character Development
Character development is done really well. These young children seem quite typical of their age in how they handle conflict. Then the adult bystander I could identify with. Having three children of my own, I understand their struggles.

Scenery
The scenery was shown just enough in the actions of the story to show the story. Any more and it would have bored the reader.

Plot
The plot was comical. The workup towards the broken wine bottle was realistic and the end of the story gave me a chuckle.

Mechanics
Trish had coming running into the house with her twin, Amanda, hot on her heels.
- Would read better as "Trish had it coming when she ran into the house with her twin, Amanda, hot on her heals."

seven year old- seven-year-old

Apparently my face said- should be a comma after apparently.

the girls took their wresting match - Wrestling


Final thoughts
This was a fun little story. You did well weaving an interesting story with such a complicated prompt.

Thanks for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
139
139
Review of The Secret Door  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Come on in and join the fun!


While browsing the random read and reviews, I ran across your little story. So, I figured I would share my thoughts on it.


The hook

The first sentence should be something that grabs the reader, encouraging them to read on. Yours expresses the age of the boys, which doesn't really grab the reader. Consider maybe working their ages in the story and beginning with something somewhat magical like your story. Maybe begin with them looking at the castle with awe or something.

Dialogue
Dialogue is done pretty well. The speech is realistic to the ages of the boys.

Character Development
The grandmother seems mascheivious, as if she wants the boys to explore. Or, at least that is what her tone and mood expresses.

The two boys seem like typical young boys. The little argument over a game was realistic to something that might happen between two brothers at their age.

Scenery
Scenery is done fairly well. The castle could be shown in the actions of the story to be more fantastical. I think that would add to the mystique of the story. When you describe their journey through time, I thought you delivered that pretty well.

Plot
The plot is very magical with a hint of Science Fiction. I thought it was good. There needs to be more clarity with the grandmother, though. I'm not sure if she wants the boys to explore this new discovery or if her warning is real.

Mechanics

summers- Seasons are capitalized.

She had a castle after all. - there should be a comma before after.

Benjamin chose a quite game. - quiet

hand landed upon their shoulders. - on would read better than upon.

judgement- should be judgment.

far off- should be far-off.

Peering over their shoulders she grinned guiltily- smirked would work better than grinned guiltily.

their grandmother grinned suspiciously- How does one grin suspiciously? I'm thinking you meant that she obviously suspected that the boys were up to no good, but a facial expression from the grandmother would help to clarify this.

will escaped into the past- "will escape" would read better.

Final thoughts
I think that this needs some editing, but overall you were really creative with the given prompt. Hopefully you will get around to making corrections. If you do, hopefully you will notify me and I will up my rating according to your repairs.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts here are only from one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. Most importantly, keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
140
140
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Come on in and join the fun!


You posted this in the newsfeed a few days ago, expressing that you had recently edited it. So, I figured I would give it a read and review.


The hook

Typically I'd say that beginning a story with the weather is a horrible hook, but in this case, it worked. That first stand-alone sentence is almost poetic in a dark ominous way.

Dialogue
There was very little dialogue, but the spoken words that were there were done well. They seemed realistic.

Character Development
Cameron's character is definitely creepy. As he is developed throughout the story, his psychological decline is shown clearly.

Scenery
There is just enough scenery to show the story without boring the reader with long unimportant details. The scenery was added to the actions of the story, which helped to keep the story flowing at a steady pace. The weather descriptions added to the dark feel of the story.

Plot
There was a good build-up in the story that kept me glued to it. Details like that clicking pen, really make this story. Once he began hearing the clicking, I suspected what the ending was going to be. None-the-less, I still enjoyed it to the very end.

Mechanics

Finally he stopped- Need a comma after "Finally."

A writer who only writes for shock value, - The comma after value does not belong.

Finally he took a deep breath to relax himself.

Final thoughts
Being a lover of horror, I was excited to read this. It was executed quite well, with plenty of imagery, which enhanced the psychological aspects. Overall, great story.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
141
141
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Come on in and join the fun!


Hi, Nova. You posted this in the newsfeed, so I figured you would like feedback on it. I saw this prompt and I was at a loss for what to write about. It seems that you came up with an interesting idea.


The hook

You take us into the story right away, instead of beginning with boring descriptions. Well done on that aspect. Beginning with conversation takes us into the conflict of the story. It works well as a hook.

Dialogue
Besides the mispellings, which I address later, the words spoken in the dialogue are realistic. The only thing that I suggest is to remove words like said and asked. Adding body language or the actions of the characters would show the story better.

Character Development
Character development is done well. I get a sense of who these triplets are through their actions and dialogue. Morganna and Angilia are the nicer of the sisters and less greedy. Faye, on the other hand, is greedy and more of a selfish human.

Scenery
There really isn't much scenery. Maybe adding some characteristics about the house would enhance the story. Since it is the house that she wants to sell, I am thinking it is quite grand, especially if she can get two million for it.

The bridge is also weakly shown. Here you could easily use your poetry muse, painting something quite magical.

Plot
The plot is good. It is interesting. I like how you made it well rounded, beginning with Fayes dismissing the spiritual and in the end finding the bridge.

You change tenses in many places, going from the present tense to past tense.

You also need to give a hint somewhere about the aunt talking about this other spiritual realm. Maybe it can be added into the conversation in the beginning about spirituality and Faye could say that the aunt was crazy.

Mechanics

Morgana and Angilia ask in unison.- asked

That day she ask us what we wanted as an inheritance- asked

Morgana got up, - The comma after up is not needed.

ask Morgana- asked Morgana

said Morgana took a sip of her coffee- either "taking a sip of her coffee" or "as she took a sip of her coffee."

getting up, putting on her robe,- comma after robe is incorrect.

hall in the dinning room- should be the dining room.

Faye rushed to the door, and jerked the curtains open.- Comma after door is incorrect.

Morganna got up, and walked to the sliding glass door.- comma after up is incorrect.

Morganna and Fay glanced at each other, and winked. Comma after other is incorrect.

Who care Morganna- cares

hand rails- should be handrails

back yard- should be backyard

you meant it lead of the planet into...- leads

I'm the same age as you two- should be too

"Let me go!" Faye hit Angilian knocking her down, and then bit Morgana's hand. Pushing the door open, she ran onto the wooden bridge, and rushed toward the mist. - comma after down and bridge is incorrect. Also Angilia is mispeeled here.

and they watch Faye disappear- watched


Final thoughts
This is a great little story, but it just needs a lot of editing. Hopefully you will take the time to do so. If you do, let me know and I will up my rating according to repairs.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
142
142
Review of Samhain  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Come on in and join the fun!


You posted this in the newsfeed, so I figured I would give it a read and review. Since I celebrate Samhain, the title grabbed me. After reading the description, I was curious if you were going to stay true to the meaning behind the sabot.



The hook

The part in italics peeked my curiosity. It made me wonder if there was some truth to the story. When you begin the story, you give a little history. For those who don't know what Samhain is, this helps give the story more clarity. So, it works as a hook.

Dialogue

This was written in first person POV, in such a way a person would tell another of their experience. The dialogue that you present is done well. It is realistic.

Character Development
The only characters are this man and the ghosts. In the telling of the story, I get a strong sense of this man's love for his wife, especially when he experiences her ghost. The fact that he avoided the book on the boat the first time, shows that he is the type that follows his gut feelings.

The ghosts were well described. I could see the translucent beings weaving about, and through him. The torment his wife was in was apparent too.

Scenery
The scenery is done really well. It is added to the actions of the story this man is telling. I imagined that the man was in a typical modern yacht. The other boat, going by your descriptions, seemed to be ancient. My first thought was that it was a funeral boat, one that was set on fire with a loved-one at one time. As far as the Ocean, it is easy to imagine the beautiful Ireland waters on a dreary night.

Plot
I felt that it was a well-rounded story. There was a build-up of action with the boat following. Then when he experiences the ghosts, the emotional pain and fear are felt. That ending sums up the little story perfectly.

Mechanics

along side - should be alongside

There were burning torches stuck in it fore and aft- Should be "its", not it.

buit up- should be built-up.

make-way- make way

I went to investigate and to my surprise- should be a comma after surprise.

thud against the side of my yatch. - yacht

but for some reason I quickly took. - Should be a comma after reason.

to my relief- should be a comma after relief.


Final thoughts

This was an entertaining read. For some reason, I kept imagining my father telling me this story. Maybe it was because the man in the story was an older gentleman.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully, my thoughts have been helpful.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
143
143
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Come on in and join the fun!


I was browsing the random read and reviews when I ran across your little flash fiction story. I figured I would give my thoughts on it.


The hook

You begin with the actions of the story, which helps to hook the reader. I was curious to where you were going to take the story and why the character ran away.

Dialogue
The words spoken in the quotations are done fairly well, showing the personalities in the characters, though I have a few suggestions. Instead of writing "said", "asked", etc., the story would be shown more with body language. Below is an example of what I mean.

"Why did Starbucks do that?" Asked Captain Cutlass

Suggested correction- Captain Cutlass furled his eyebrows and scowled. "Why did Starbucks do that?"

Following this advice throughout your story would help not only show the story, but it would enhance the characters.

Character Development
He felt...Strange...He felt he had arms where there were no arms before. - felt is a telling word. Try showing us how he felt. For example, "New limbs seemed to sprout from his body."

Scenery
There is plenty of scenery added into the actions of the story. We know that they are on an island with plenty of trees.

Plot
This seemed like a fictional piece with a bit of a Peter Pan and Pirates of the Caribean theme. The Science Fiction aspect kind of threw me off a bit. I'm not understanding how the character went into the Vortex.

The character turning into a fly was a nice little twist.

Mechanics
They came to the Island where there Treasure was, and Starbucks jumped from the ship. to the shore and ran into the forest.

- both treasure and Island should not be capitalized. Also, "there" should be "their". The period after "ship" needs to be removed. "toward the shore" would read better than "to the shore".

"Why did Starbucks do that?" Asked Captain Cutlass- Asked, should be lowercase, not capitalized.

"Or perhaps he wishes to have all the treasure for himself!" Said the Captain- Said should be lowercase, not capitalized.

"Perhaps he has a case of the Vapors." Said Pipsqueak the Cabin Boy - said should be lowercase, not capitalized. Vapors and cabin boy should be lowercase, and it appears you forgot a period after cabin boy.

As Captain Cutlass through the Vortex- You seem to be missing a verb here. There also needs to be a comma after the introductory phrase (after Vortex).

Captain Cutless marched into the Forest- Forest does not need to be capitalized.

Fell into the Portal into another Dimension. - Both portal and dimension need to be lowercase. They are not proper nouns.

transferring- should be transferred

"Starbucks!" Exclaimed Captain Cutlass. - Exclaimed should be lowercase, not uppercase.

He didn't feel truly real at that moment not realizing that as he was transferring to this other dimension his body was in flux, transforming to fit the other world he was heading to. - This is a run-on sentence.


He looked down and saw he did have an extra set of arms! He was covered in a dark exoskeleton and he felt a pair of gossamer wings on his shoulder blades, He immediately looked for a reflective surface,He found a clear pool of water and he screamed. - Everywhere there is a comma, there should be a period, otherwise, it is a huge run-on sentence.

The Termite heard and he fled, Captain Cutlass gave chase, on foot of course for he was not yet used to his wings, Starbucks however was more accustomed to an insect body and knew this Forest much better then Captain Cutlass he quickly outpaced his Captain when he reached Hive Central an entire town of Anthropomorphic Insects!- This is one huge runon sentence. You need to add ending punctuation and commas.

vanished into the crowds- he is only one person, hence he can only vanish into one crowd, not crowds.


Final thoughts
You would benefit from using a program like Gramarly. If you did, most of the errors here would be found. The overwhelming amount of grammar issues were distracting.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the opinions here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts have been helpful. If you get around to editing, let me know so that I can up my rating according to repairs.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
144
144
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Come on in and join the fun!


While browsing the random read and reviews, I ran across this. I figured that I would give it a read and share my thoughts on it.

First thoughts
For me, this seemed to display a spiritual conflict. You struggle to survive while raising your children. Your faith has been failing, along with your health. In a way, you are reaching out to God and asking, "Why".

The tone
The tone is of a woman who is a survivor, but she is struggling with her faith. In some areas it seems sarcastic, almost as if you are angry at God.

Favorite aspect

Being that I am a woman as well, in many ways I relate. Like you, I raised three children, all the while putting my own dreams aside. So, it is relatable.

There were some creative language that I felt strengthened the piece. For example, "They give me courage to fight on yet my bones are now weak". This seemed to be an analogy for being tired of life. You are only thirty, but your life is aging you.

Mechanics

Your paragraphs are too long, expressing several ideas in each. I would suggest breaking them up into several paragraphs, with each sharing an idea or thought, rather than multiple.

Also particular phrases, like when you question God, could be standalone phrases outside of paragraphs. It would heighten the emotion of the piece.

AM I SITTING OR STANDING, AM I GOING OR COMING?- "AM I SITTING OR STANDING? AM I GOING OR COMING?"

For the past few years I have- need a comma after years.

purpose for myself on the world- "in the world"

God cannot forgive me of- should be "for", not of.

Supernatural power which can give you break from all the torments of this world.- Sentence fragment, consider rewording

a power that can surpasses all fears- should be "surpass"

Haven't I been strong enough for me to be living up to this years struggling like this. - Should be a question mark, not a period.


day dream- should be daydream

at the age of eleven- needs a comma after eleven

labelled should be labeled

For them nothing was going to stop- there needs to be a comma after them.

the people who hate us has put- has should be "have"

I could have convinced to him- delete the word to.

In that moment you all tend- "At that moment" would read better.

In case someone might take a look on me- should be "look at me".

failed as a citizen in my country- should be "of my country"

I have done what a person need to do- should be "needs"

superior no-matter what- should be "no-matter-what"

I always says- should be "say"

I am virtuous woman- should be "I am a virtuous woman"

they give me courage to fight- should be "the courage to fight"

Am I going to make it in this life despite of having children only- "Am I going to make it in this life, despite choosing to only have children?"

I work for meagre salary - "I work for a meager salary"

pay day- "payday"

bible- "Bible" it is the title of a book, hence it needs to be capitalized.

The schools I went to were not that very expensive

Final thoughts
Thank you for sharing your life and spiritual journey with me. Hopefully you will get around to making some edits, it is definetly worthy of the time.

Remember, the opinions expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts have been helpful. When you get around to editing, hopefully you will let me know, so that I can up my rating according to repairs.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
145
145
Review of kind to run away  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Come on in and join the fun!



You sent me a review request for this story, which is why I am here. After reading it, it seems more like a chapter than a short story, so I have reviewed it as I would a first chapter.

Reviewing, for me is a tool, not only to help other writers, but also to help myself become a better writer. Finding the strengths and weaknesses in other people's writing, helps me to find them in my own.

The hook
For me, this sort-of worked as a hook. Eleanor's mood does show the reader that something important is going on, which encourages them to read on. Although, there are some technical issues in that first paragraph that distract. For one, it is a bit wordy. You say very little, with a lot of words.

Something like this might work better: "Each bump in the road caused Eleanor's head to bump into the side door's window. She was like a snow-girl: silent, lifeless, and soulless."

Dialogue
There is only dialogue in the last half of the story, but the dialogue that is there is done pretty well. The father's build-up in frustration is shown in his dialogue. As far as Eleanor, you might want to work on her speech a little more. Maybe use some sarcasm, showing reason for her father's build-up in anger.

Character Development
There is plenty of character development through descriptions. Though, some internal dialogue in the first half might built Eleanor's character more.

Scenery
Besides the snow, we have no scenery. Since this is Science fiction, I assume this is in the future some time, but you never let the reader know if it is.

Plot
It seems like you have some wonderfully creative ideas, but you need to work on the execution. The plot is confusing because the reader is never shown a time period. At first I thought, maybe Eleanor is a robot or something. Then we learn of a father, which shows that not to be the case. Then the father changes to other things, but there is no explanation of how he is able to do that.

Mechanics
All the while, as it moved Eleanor form- from

made the silent feel more present- The word feel or felt is evidence of telling rather than showing, so I would suggest editing this area without the word feel.

So, Eleanor kept quiet- I suggest deleting the word "so" here and in other places. The story reads better without it.

hands spread like an angel – like a snow angel.

Such a quiet- I would suggest maybe being more creative with our words here. Quiet is repetitive in this paragraph.

New Elanor had emerged from the pathetic- Now

Beginning a sentence with and is acceptable for creative purposes. We see it done in many books, though in your story, you do so way too often.

He was a psychic now, thinking he knew Eleanor better than she knew herself- this would work better if displayed in italics as an inner thought of Eleanor's.

But much like with water, all it takes is a crack.- Ice cracks, not water.

Eleanor's eyes rolled. Not to annoy him, not to make things worse. It just happened – and it felt so good. It was as if when she rolled she rebelled. And every inch of her desired to rebel. - A bit wordy here. In the first sentence we get the point, so the rest of the paragraph is repetitive.

There is a lot of head-hopping here. We are shown the perception of John, Eleanor, and Dolly. This gets a little confusing, so I would suggest sticking to one character's point of view.

I CAN'T seem my daughter- see

Her blood went boiling- "Her blood began to boil" would work better.

"WHO SAID I WANT TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER?" She demanded.- should be a lowercase "she".

And John, the father, stared at his psychopathic daughter- You mentioned earlier in the story that John is the father, no need to do it again.

creating a word of loud, overlapping memories.- World


Final thoughts
I can see that you have some great ideas and this story could be really good with some editing. Hopefully you will take the time to revisit it and make repairs.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, these are the thoughts of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts have been helpful. If you get around to editing, feel free to send it back to me, and I will up my rating according to repairs.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
146
146
Review of Abstract Harmony  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A shared image for raids


Hi Char! Browsing through the random read and reviews, I ran across your verse. Since the theme for the raid today is poetry, I figured I would share my thoughts on it.

First thoughts
My first thoughts were that this seems pretty typical of many relationships. Everything starts strong and full of lust and then it goes flat. What we accepted before becomes an annoyance.

Imagery
There are some pretty good metaphors presented in the poem. I personally liked the reference to the smoke detector. The warnings are all there, but we ignore them trying to find hope. Then the referencing memories in what seems a description of shadow puppets, was quite unique.

Emotive qualities
The poem grabs the reader with the whole bit about wet spots and the seductive grabbing at hair, showing the beginning of a lustful relationship. Then you tear it apart shortly, showing that it is not lasting. The emotions displayed are ones that most can relate to if they have been in multiple relationships.

Flow
The poem flows well with the proper use of enjambment. I like how you broke-up "stale mate" making it go up and down, showing the fluctuation of the relationship, before the "flat-line".

Mechanics
Overall it is a well written free verse. I tried, but could not find any fault, structurally or with grammar. It is a well crafted poem.

Final thoughts
I enjoyed reading your verse. I could relate to it. Sometimes when you have enough relationships like this, one tends to expect the outcomes.

Thanks for sharing your writing, Char. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
147
147
Review of Dawn  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A shared image for raids


While browsing the random read and review, I ran across your verse. Since the raid theme is poetry today, I figured I would share my thoughts on your poem.

First thoughts
My first impression after reading through this the first time was that this was a very intense read. The emotion builds up due to that last line in each stanza, until the end when everything comes to a conclusion quite dramatically.

Imagery
The imagery, I imagined was coming from the perspective of someone that has done some horrible things. Due to their ego, they felt they were invisible, yet they were caught and are being executed.

Emotive qualities
Each line builds the poem, slowly uncovering this person's story, and heightening the emotion with the content. At first with the first stanza, after reading about the beauty of the day, I felt pity when I read the last line in the stanza. Then as the poem progressed, it seemed as though the fate was deserving.

Flow
The poem flows excellently with the use of enjambment. Also, the repetitive lines help the poem flow.

Mechanics
As far as I perceive, the poem is free of error.

Final thoughts

I found your poem to be an emotive read that first played on sympathies, but then encouraged anger towards this person. Excellent read. Though, I am curious if it is based on any true events?

Thank you for sharing your writing. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
148
148
Review of I Am Imam  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A shared image for raids


Browsing through the random read and reviews, I came across this lovely poem. So, figured I would share my thoughts on it.

First thoughts
Throughout various parts of the poem and after my first read through, the poem made me smile. I suppose even a religious man is allowed a crush. *Bigsmile*

Imagery
There are some great metaphoric lines in this free verse that made me giggle. Below are some of my favorite.

"I am so celibate I squeak
(St. Peter hides beneath the fly),"

and

"Poke not among me like a fork
for I may burst"


Emotive qualities
The poem is of an innocent infatuation, but there are some sexual undertones throughout that make this a fun read. It is almost as if the subject of the poem is pleading with this woman through praise and proving that he is worthy.

Flow
The poem flows beautifully through the use of proper enjambment.

Mechanics
From my perception there were no grammar, spelling, or structural issues. It is a well written free verse.

Final thoughts
I had to look up some of the terms, since I am fairly ignorant of Muslim culture, but I did know what an Imam is. Once I looked up a few of those items, your verse became clearer. So, this was both a pleasurable and educational read for me.

Thank you for sharing your writing. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
149
149
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A shared image for raids


while browsing the random read and review I ran across your poem. Since the focus on the raid today is poetry, I figured I would share my thoughts on your verse.

First thoughts
In the first stanza, I felt that I could relate. Sometimes life just gets crazy and doesn't go so right, or at least the way we want it to. At least that is what I thought it was an analogy for.

Once I moved on from the first stanza, I was a little confused until I realized you were telling a silly story and your words were not an analogy for life.

Imagery
In reference to life, I like the analogies in the first stanza. Then there is some funny imagery with the nose having superglue, causing it to stick to your hand. Though, there are a few areas that make absolutely no sense to me.

You mention his flower spraying. Not really sure what you mean by that. Are you referencing to him giving you a flower from his sleeve, like the magic trick clowns sometimes do? If so, spraying is not really a good word for this. Spraying signifies putting some sort of liquid on you.

Again in the last stanza you mention "spray" again with the line, "when white returns from crazy spray". I know what crazy spray is, but this references it as a place, which confuses me.

Emotive qualities
All poetry, in my opinion, should bring out emotions in the reader. Your poems intention seems to be laughter. In some areas this really works. In others, due to lack of clarity, not so much.

Flow
The poem flows due to the rhyming, but some of it seems to be forced. By forced, I mean, putting words in for the sake of rhyme that don't really fit. Maybe this is why there is a lack of clarity in some areas.

Mechanics
There seems to be an issue with your use of capitalization. In poetry sometimes lowercase and uppercase are used to enhance emotion. Though, in this case it looks like an error.

You're punctuation is off as well. You use punctuation sporadicly. So, in some areas where there needs to be a comma there isn't. The same with end punctuation.

Final thoughts
This has the capability of being a wonderful little poem, maybe geared towards younger audiences. It just needs a lot of editing for clarity and grammar.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. If you get around to editing, hopefully you will notify me, so that I can up my rating according to repairs.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
150
150
Review of Haunting Memories  
Review by warpedsanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A shared image for raids


Hi Dave! Been awhile since I reviewed you. I figured since the raid focus today was poetry, your port would be the perfect place to find something to review.

First thoughts
My first thoughts after reading this poem was that your mother must have been an amazing woman. The love you have for her is shown throughout. I am brought to my own cherished memories of someone I lost, who is my father, rather than my mother.

Imagery
In the first stanza the reader is shown how she showed her love through food, when you reference the pie. Then throughout we are given little glimpses of her, small memories that imprinted your mind. The reader gets a balanced view of your mother, showing that she was stern, but loving.

Emotive qualities
The poem shares sadness for loss, yet joy in the memories. As the reader, like anyone else who has lost someone they love dearly, it is easy to relate to the subject of the poem.

Flow
The poem flows really well. It follows the form exact without seeming forced. The last stanza not following the same rhyme as the rest of the poem could have easily seemed misplaced. Though, instead it fits perfectly, summarizing the poem.

Mechanics
In reference to grammar, spelling, and structure, your poem is excellently crafted.

Final thoughts
I enjoyed your verse. It was an endearing little poem and a beautiful dedication to your mother.

Thank you for sharing your writing with WdC. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
467 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 19 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/warpedsanity/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/6