"She also wore a turquoise stone necklace, with the matching bracelet." Say "with a matching bracelet". - Stating that the character knows it's the matching bracelet implies that he personally knows her jewelry set.
" "You will touch it, none the less." Her voice had a hint of poison in it.
"Did you know your great grandfather, Cleomonth?" " - Separating these two pieces of dialogue had me thinking that the boy had started asking the question, and then I grew confused when he mentioned his own name. I'd suggest tacking it onto the end of the previous paragraph, after "poison in it". You've also spelled "Cleomonth" different than when you first used it: "Cloemonth". Which is correct?
"...You got somewhere to be!" He called hastily." - Lowercase the "He" after this piece of dialogue, as it continues your full sentence.
"...and I scrubbed vigilantly with some good-smelling bar." - Change the "some" to "a" or change "bar" to "bars". One of the other.
"A quick guess told me that about a hundred people stood about." - End this with "nearby" rather than "about". You've used "about" earlier in the same sentence, and it threatens to sound repetitive, being used so close to each other.
"It must of been the egg, I though to myself." - This is a present-tense thought. I see that later in the same paragraph, you set off internal dialogue with italics. That's smart (I do it frequently). This should also be in italics, and since it's a present-tense thought, rewrite it to say "It must be the egg, I thought to myself." It'll help with consistency.
"Layers of kids stood before me.With a steady push, I got to the center." - This is a small thing to point out, but add the space after the period, before "With".
" "Can't you see your stressing him!" Someone yelled." - Change the "your" to "you're", and remember that they mean two different things. And lowercase "Someone".
"But, the dragon kept coming to me." - No comma.
By this point in the story, I'm very intrigued by the fantasy-element. An established history seems to be present, but why is this Egg in the custody of the government? Do they use the "creature" as a means of protecting their territory... or for domination? Expansion? Destruction, even? Like I said, it's intriguing and I only have to continue reading to find out. It was obvious that the boy in question would be chosen, but the lead-up to this point was brief enough and informative enough to not be boring.
"Several rows of sharp teeth planted themselves into his leg." - This is some odd imagery. Obviously, the teeth can't plant themselves into the stranger's leg. The dragon is doing this. Rewrite it to read like "Several rows of sharp teeth were planted into his leg". It's not so weird then.
"Slowly, I reached a single hand down, and the dragon's head meet it." - Change "meet" to "met".
"They were laying in a sun yellow body, witch were scaled." - Say "...which was scaled". Note: You've used "witch" instead of "which". I haven't noticed it before, but it might be something to watch out for in the future.
"It had four stiff, thick legs that had three distinct spots to use to climb up." - This is an odd sentence. "It had four stiff, thick legs, each of which had three distinct points of which I could use to climb up." Rewritten like this, it flows a little easier. And when you say "spots" on an animal, it sounds more like a piece of their coloring or hide. Saying "points" or even "protrusions" (that might be better than "points") makes the description a little clearer: there are points that jut out of the dragon's legs that our character can climb upon.
"It had four, two of witch were strong muscles meant for flying." - This is another instance where "witch" should be "which".
"The other two were small and thin, and they jutted from it's side." - If you have faith in your intended audience to use it, you might think about describing the other pair as "vestigial wings". "The other two were merely vestigial: just for looks." Most people know that vestigial wings are smaller than wings used for flight. But, again, that's only if you think your intended audience will know what they are.
"...a row on he top and a row on the bottom." - Change "he" to "the".
"The tip formed a four leaf clover live thing that had two lethal, long spikes;" - Just say the tip was "clover shaped, with two long, lethal spikes;".
"..."second son of Grechtomy the third, in the sixth the Dragon Friend League." " - Capitalize "third" since it's part of the man's title, but I don't know what you're trying to say with any part after that. It's confusing.
" "Come forth," I lifted from my bow..." - Change the comma to a period since the following section is not what she says, but what the boy does.
" "May I see the beast I have kept shelter for so many years?" He asked." - Lowercase "He". Possibly change "shelter" to "sheltered". The phrase is a little trippy, as is.
"A sudden, unexpected pang of jealousy hit me." - This is an unexpected yet understandable reaction from the boy. At first, he wanted no part in this ritual. Now that the dragon is his dragon, it's easy for him to become jealous as it's obvious that the dragon knows no other master and has no reason to listen to the Lord. He even bit another boy to get to Cleomonth! Very nice progression of the boy's insight.
" "Consider yourself lucky." He remarked." - The period after "lucky" should be a comma, and then lowercase "He".
"People swarmed around up, making it impossible to go anywhere." - Change "up" to "us".
"With a pop, a multi-colored bubble emerged from her mouth. It expanded, enveloping me before it forced the crowd away. She stared at me, expectantly. I scratched her neck, and started off for home." - This is an unexpected form of magic. But what threw me off was you instantly declaring that the dragon was female. When you said that a bubble emerged from her mouth, I was thinking that you were talking about one of the other kids that barred their way. And the boy is behind the dragon before this moment. Did the dragon turn it's head and blow the bubble, or were they both inside the bubble? It sounds like it's just the boy, except he scratched her neck before he started off again, indicating that the dragon is in the bubble too.
" "You ain't leavin' this house till I let you!" " - Do not use "till" in this manner. It concerns dirt and cultivation. Since the man is speaking, you can write it as " 'til ", with the apostrophe before the word, or just type out "until". I'm organizing a movement that forces the people of the future to use this word properly. Join me, ha ha! 
" "I did not chose it, father. It chose me." " - The first "chose" should be "choose". The second "chose" is correct.
" "...I have to go. To learn magic." I replied, as mom and my three sisters stared at me." - Keep the dialogue as is and take out "I replied, as". Start the next sentence with "Mom and my...".
" "There is absolutely no way." Beatrice barked." - This is another one of those dialogue-writing rules that I've pointed out, but this is the perfect example in how it can be remembered. The way these two sentences read, you have someone saying "There is absolutely no way." Then, an animal named Beatrice barks. The period dictates that, and a reader would see it that way and then wonder "Is Beatrice also piping in? Throwing her two cents in? I guess she's jealous of the dragon, since she's just a dog!" I hope you see what I'm talking about and it helps you remember, for the future. In shorthand, change the period after "way" to a comma 
I've finished reading and I'm pleased with what I read. Your execution is a little sloppy, but that's stuff that can be easily fixed. What you have here, at the core, is the beginning of a very good story. I do have those lingering questions about why the local government controls the Egg before it hatches, and if that has sinister meanings behind it, but for now, those questions are on the back burner. It sounds like Cleomonth (an interesting name) is going to start some proper training, in regards to managing his dragon. But to what end? And what language was the Lord speaking that could lull the dragon into listening to him? Did he once have a Steed? The questions are strong and lingering and leaves me wanting. That's the sign of a good story: the reader has been left yearning for more. Excellent job.
This was in the Fantasy Newsletter. Thank you for sharing it. It was a joy to read. I know it seems like I pointed out a lot of mistakes, but they are merely pointers for improving your storytelling ability. You've been reviewed at least six times before. I would hope that someone else has done the same for you already, but if they haven't, here you go. Take care, and continue with this, please. Let me know how the future for Cleomonth goes.
Than Pence
PS. You say that "Thirteenth Hour" is a temporary title. If this continues with just Cleomonth's first year at Bethgolmonth, I'd suggest calling it "The Thirteenth Year". But if it goes beyond that to include future-flung actions, something else would be better. Good luck!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  . |
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But it looks like the Bird Lady retaliated in a grisly and unexpected manner!