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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Oh my god, I'm tired! Work has been killing me! I did that shift on Saturday, of course, and then have just worked Monday and Tuesday. Doing two shifts back-to-back really takes it out of me. Just doing one shift takes it out me! Honestly, working for 11.5+ hours in one go, in a psychiatric unit, is not easy! I just constantly feel exhausted and that makes my mood go down, and my anxiety go up. I am struggling but need to try hard not to take time off. If I start going into breakdown mode, and feeling suicidal, I will speak to my manager about doing reduced shifts or reduced duties. But I seriously do not want any more time off sick, and I need to look into the whole disability leave thing, because I think I that would be extremely helpful. Thankfully I have one more shift this week and then I have annual leave! I have the whole of next week off and I am going to spend it making my house nice. I have a house! Between now and Tuesday I am going to start moving my things over, and then on Tuesday the removal people are coming to move my furniture across. I am nervous and excited, but mostly nervous! In other news, I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow for a specialist assessment for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. The thing is, I have also been referred to a clinic in London that specialises in Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I am just waiting to see if the CCG will fund that. If they will then I think I would much rather go there because I have completely lost faith in my local mental health team and I do not trust any of the staff there. Still, I'm going to the appointment tomorrow to explain the situation to the psychologist and to see what she thinks. It could take ages for funding to get approved, or they might reject me, in which case I will have no choice but to go with treatment offered by the local mental health team! So I want to keep my options open. Anyway... I am way too tired to write anymore! I don't know even know if what I have written makes sense...  Hopefully it does! |
So the skin camouflage woman has had a crisis in confidence and may not be able to help me.  She is trying to palm me off to someone else... the third contact on my list. I rang the third person today and she said she would need to check her diary, and will ring me tomorrow. Thanks to work, I have limited availability, and so I'm scared she will not be able to fit me in. By chance (or maybe not) my first contact finally got back to me. She has no appointments, but said to contact her in a few months if I still need help. Urgh. This is turning into a complete nightmare! I feel like crying. Work was hard today because I'm already feeling so exhausted. But... I got my full hour's break! And... we finished just fifteen minutes late! Yay! I went crazy on physical health stuff today, doing people's physical obs then documenting it all on the NEWS charts and on the computer system. I did this on Tuesday too. It is boring, time-consuming work but we've been told several times we are not up to standard on physical health stuff. It's not that we don't check people's physical obs, more that we are very bad at documenting it, especially as it needs to be documented on complicated forms. I'm aiming to change the poor documenting, at least on my shifts! But I feel like it is a full time job in itself, without all the other things that I need to be doing. Anyway, when senior staff next do a physical health audit they'll see an impressive amount of documentation by moi! Haha! I think having Asperger Syndrome really comes in handy for stuff like this because I have superhuman capacity to focus on repetitive, mundane tasks. The NEWS charts are ridiculous -- small, fiddly, time-consuming -- and yet I must have filled in at least 12 of the damn things! And then filled in at least 12 online forms. So that's at least 24 physical health documents in total!!! I'm insane!!!  I said in a blog comment yesterday (I think) that if I can just get a handle on my anxiety and exhaustion, I would be capable of doing a band 4 job. I do a lot of their tasks anyway! We have two band 4 support workers on our ward and both are excellent. I'm definitely not as good as them... yet... but I feel like I could be. I'm thinking that with 3-4 months more experience, I could be ready. Hopefully one of them will leave in 3-4 months time! Haha! That's scary! And maybe one day I'll be capable of doing a QUALIFIED job... like possibly I'll become a psychologist, which reminds me... my psychology master's degree starts in just THREE months. Now that is something to freak out about! Am I really going to attempt to do a master's degree while working full time?! I really am insane. Oh, and another thing... I am signing the tenancy agreement and getting the keys to my new place on Sunday. That is SCARY. But it is happening. I am excited but extremely anxious. I don't know how I'm going to fit in moving house because I have no time off from work. And it's going to be such a HUGE change. I don't cope well with change. Oh my god. I am freaking out so much about so many things... I just... can't...  |
| I wrote recently about the scarring on my leg, and how I want to cover it up before a wedding next month… well, after some research I contacted the British Association for Skin Camouflage (yep, that’s an actual thing apparently!) and they gave me the contact details of the three people closest to me who provide skin camouflaging services. The first one I tried did not answer my call or text, but I spoke to the second one today. She was pretty flustered and confessed that she has not done skin camouflage for “ages and ages”, but has done it before, which is why she is registered with the BASC. She was ultra posh (very plummy accent!) and clearly baffled about the whole self-harm thing, but to her credit tried to be non-judgemental and supportive over it. I had to tell the truth about it really because I could not pass it off as anything other than self-harm, and she asked details on what the scarring looks like and how it occurred etc. She said she needed to check if she still has her skin camouflage palette and rambled on for ages about different products and their availability, then said she would call me back. When she did call back she said she thinks she can help me and we have booked an appointment for Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately it is going to cost me £27 for 30 minutes!!! But I think it will be worth it if she’s any good! The wedding day is going to be stressful enough without having to worry about my mental state being apparent to everyone thanks to the horrible red lines on my leg! Fingers crossed she can help me. It’s frustrating really because there is an NHS skin camouflage clinic attached to my local hospital, and I could have asked for a referral there and had a free consultation, but now it is too late as they have a long waiting time. Oh well. It’s a lot of money but it has to be done. This horrible situation kind of feels like a punishment, even though logically I know self-harm is not something that deserves punishment. But it’s a whole bunch of stress I don’t need right now! I might try the third contact as well, just to see if they are a bit more up-to-date with skin camouflaging, and to compare prices, but I’m desperate so I’ll pay £27 if I have to! Fingers crossed this works! |
| I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Except... I can't afford a breakdown... because I'm almost certainly moving (almost certainly have the house, just waiting until they've actually invited me to sign the tenancy agreement before I truly believe it's happening). So I can't take time off from work because of that, and also because I'm worried I'll lose my job due to the amount of absences I've had. But I'm cracking up. I've been back at work for just FOUR shifts since returning from annual leave and already feel exhausted, stressed, over-worked and anxious. I just don't think I'm cut out for this job. And yet I know I'm good at it. It's just the loooooong hours, the lack of breaks and the constant pressure. It's all way too much. Today was horrible. Having only had one day's rest after the epic 14 hour shift with no break, I went in feeling exhausted. Maybe today was slightly better than that shift though, because I did at least get a ten minute break (it should be an hour) and I only left twenty minutes late (as opposed to an hour and twenty minutes like on Sunday). I got stuck on level 3 observations for two hours, missing my break, and was finally relieved at 5:10pm to be told I could not go on my break, because someone else had gone on theirs. I'm ashamed to say I cried!  I was beyond exhausted at this point and could not stop the tears. I went off to the staff room anyway to get my food, and brought it back to the office. I thought if I couldn't go off the ward for a much-needed break, I'd at least get myself something to eat and do some paperwork, remaining in the office until I felt less tearful. But the worst thing that happened was that in the last hour a service-user said to me, "you've been shit today". I know I shouldn't take it personally, and I know I wasn't shit, but it still hurt. She was just upset because I couldn't facilitate an activity she wanted to do and I had not been around as much as she would have liked due to my colleagues leaving me on level 3 obs. She was shouting and swearing at me, and told me she was going to make a complaint. I felt like screaming back at her something along the lines of, "I've been working my arse off since 7:30 this morning, with only a measly ten minute break, after working fourteen hours on Sunday with NO break. I've fucking exhausted and broken myself, mostly because of you actually, and you have the audacity to tell me I'm shit? Piss off you stupid woman!" But instead I remained professional and kept my mouth shut. There was no point trying to reason with her because she was not able to listen due to her anger and agitation. I understand she is unwell and I am not going to hold this against her. It helps just to have written out the response I wanted to give! I would never really talk to a service-user like that... it's just that I'm human, and being told I'm shit, after I've given 100% (as always) when not feeling 100%, is really, really hard to take. Another service-user overheard this woman talking like that to me and was upset at her rudeness. This helped me to stay strong as I was able to say to her that staff don't take things like that to heart (or shouldn't!) and that I have an excellent team that I can talk to and get support from. She was reassured by that. So... this is where I'm at today. I saw my GP yesterday and was able to talk with him a bit about the things stressing me out, but today I'm feeling worse and actually think I'm going to have a breakdown. I know the GP would be fine with me calling him for some support, especially as I'm suddenly feeling a lot worse, but I'm too embarrassed to call him so soon! I should be able to to call and get support from from the mental health team but I'm not even going to bother doing that. I know it will make me feel worse because they will not do anything to support me through this. I have now completely lost trust in them after reading my A&E notes and seeing what they said about me, "always presenting this way", Well I don't "present" that way to them anymore because I'm sick of being judged and treated like crap. Urgh, I'm done. I'm way, way too tired. And I still have two more shifts this week...  |
| Today I worked almost 14 hours without a break. It has been a crazy, crazy day. I knew it was going to be tough right from the start as the night shift had had problems with one particular service-user, and she was still causing trouble when I walked in at 7:20am. Then on shift we had just ONE nurse, when we are supposed to have two, and to make things even better, she was an agency nurse who has never even worked on our ward! Then the other people on shift were a permanent support worker who is very new and inexperienced, a bank support worker who knows the ward, but does not work especially hard, and me… a still pretty inexperienced support worker with major anxiety issues and problems with exhaustion. I felt scared. Still, I faced it with courage and I tried to step up. The nurse needed a lot of support due to not knowing the ward, and the permanent support worker needed a lot of support due to being so new, but both were also very supportive of me, thankfully. We’ve had so much crap to deal with today as the lady I mentioned before remained extremely agitated until the afternoon, and we also had two other service-users presenting with major self-harm risks, that we had to manage. I am a band 2 Clinical Support Worker, but today I was treated like a band 4, and at times even a band 5 professional (which is the first grade for a qualified nurse). Seeing as I’m not a band 4 support worker or a qualified nurse, and do not get paid their salaries, this was pretty unfair! I coordinated the shift, which is technically a band 4 and above job. This involves allocating people to the different jobs that need doing throughout the day. I also made sure we kept on top of the observations as much as we possibly could. The nurse insisted I write the handover sheet, despite that being the nurse in charge’s responsibility, and after I’d done that had the cheek to ask me to write her patient notes for her! Which I did, because I’m a fool! I made calls to the duty staff nurse and the duty doctor (band 4 and above tasks, really) and I tried to keep on top of documenting everything that was going on with our most problematic patient. I ate as I worked, for example, one patient requested to go for a walk in the ground so I said I could escort her, and took the opportunity to grab a banana. I managed to sit in the kitchen for about five minutes to hurriedly eat some chips, while promising another service-user I’d make a phonecall for her as soon as I’d eaten enough to not feel faint anymore, and mentally writing patient notes in my head to try and make it easier for myself later! I had to let admin stuff slide today, but am proud to say that we provided good patient care. I am proud of myself and my colleagues for how we dealt with the difficult lady, who was taking up so much of our time, and I am proud that despite having to deal with that, we still managed to facilitate other requests, such as escorts to the shop etc, and we still managed to offer people 1:1 time if they needed it. Most importantly, we kept everyone safe. That was the biggest challenge of the day, but we did it. The worst thing though is that I had to stay late due to someone calling in sick. The bank support worker swanned off home as soon as he could, which was annoying! The nurse in charge did stay late to finish off some tasks, but then also swanned out the door with a cheery wave to me and the other support worker. My fellow support worker stayed to finish the notes we hadn’t managed to complete, and I stayed to continue working, so that the ward was safe. Once the notes were done I insisted she go home, as she is working tomorrow. Thankfully I didn’t have to stay too much longer as they managed to find cover, but wow was it gruelling. Right now I am exhausted and my anxiety is sky high. I am thinking of all the things I have probably missed or not done properly because I was just too rushed off my feet and out of my depth and working beyond the scope of my role. Was it worth it? Well… the nurse in charge said that my colleague and I were fantastic, and she wants to tell our manager when she gets a chance. Multiple times throughout the day she told me I was working hard, doing a great job, and she appreciated it. My fellow support worker told me I was a star today, and she thinks I have done so well. I said the same to her, because she was great! But the best things really are that the lady who has caused us trouble all day thanked me just before I left and told me I’d been brilliant. Another service-user told me several times that I’m a good support worker and work very hard. Several other patients on the ward have been very appreciative of the work I have done today, and although a couple have been annoyed at certain things, I think we have provided excellent care under the circumstances. So… maybe it’s worth it! I feel like I made a difference today. I was so scared and out of my depth, but tried to meet every challenge with courage, determination and hard work. Yeah I feel exhausted, but I also feel useful and proud of what I have achieved. I’m going to email my manager tomorrow though to let her know it was literally impossible to do everything, but that we could not have tried harder. I’m also going to tell her that it is stuff like this that makes me need time off sick, because situations like this cause me to practically run myself into the ground in an attempt to provide the standard of care we all want for the ward, and then I get exhausted, stressed and anxious. Maybe it’s not worth it….? But I think it is! Because I am doing something I feel passionate about, and I think maybe I'm doing a good job... eeek! |
| I am incredibly sad and angry about the results of the EU referendum and am now scared about what the future holds. I am in the 48% that voted REMAIN. I feel the result to leave is a vote against unity and diversity, but I am not shocked about it. In fact , the day before we voted, I said to my sister that I thought the outcome would be leave. I feel like the country has been getting more and more right-wing. I hate what is happening, and am ashamed about what we must look like to other nations. I feel we look like a bunch of greedy, racist, narrow-minded losers that are isolating ourselves from the rest of the world because we think we are better than others. I believe in a global community, and that we should embrace other cultures and forge positive relationships with other countries. I hate the talk of the leave campaigners, things like: "let's get our country back" and "now we can look after our own". I find it sickening. I've never considered living anywhere other than England, but now part of me feels like I don't want to stay here. I am living in a divided country and it feels horrible. I am living in uncertainty and it feels scary. I feel powerless. |
| I’ve reserved another property! And this is one I actually LOVE! It’s so cute and quirky. It’s actually a 1 bedroomed house, not a flat. It has a galleried bedroom overlooking the open plan living area and kitchen, and a downstairs bathroom. It even has a garden with a shed. It would be so amazing to have a garden! I could bring the dogs over sometimes and they could play out there. The more I think about it, the more I want this place, so I will be very, very upset if I fail the referencing checks. But hopefully that won’t happen. I passed them for the other place, so surely there’s no reason I will fail this time round. I’ve been stressing so much about the costs involved with moving out, and how I’ll have to access my savings, and how I won’t be able to save as much, if at all, when I move, but I am trying incredibly hard to challenge my thoughts and anxieties over it all. I’m trying to tell myself that you only live once and while it’s good to plan for the future, and have goals, it’s not good to forget to live and enjoy the present moment too. I think that’s a big problem for me. I’m so focussed on achieving the life I want and reaching the goals I have set myself that I am forgetting to live in the here and now, and am missing out because of that. It’s good to have savings for the future, but that money is just sitting there, and if I can use some of it now to improve things for myself RIGHT NOW, then what is the harm in that? As long as I don’t go crazy and blow it all, which I won’t! Tomorrow I’m back at work having been on annual leave. I’m feeling worried about it as I’m leaping back into full-time hours and am not sure how I will cope. I am feeling exhausted at the moment and my mental health is so unstable. While today has been in good in that I have been working hard to challenge my negative thoughts and anxiety, last night I pretty much cried myself to sleep because I could not get the thought out of my head that I am a horrible, vile human being who does not deserve to be alive. Fun times! Yesterday I received copies of my medical records from the Accident and Emergency department. I requested to see them because of how I was treated when I went there last month, and because I want to understand their rationale for discharging me when I was suicidal. It was difficult to read through them and I am extremely upset and angry at a lot of the things that have been recorded. The worst thing though is that the psychiatric liaison practitioner has written: “nil suicidal intent/plans”. This is just absurd because the whole reason I went to A&E was because I felt I was very close to acting on my suicidal thoughts, and had a plan. This guy did not even ASK me if I had a plan. Another thing I am upset about is that it has been recorded that I “always present in this way”. Apparently this was said twice by someone from the community mental health team to the A&E nurses. I think this is offensive and dismissive. I also think it is dangerous because if the A&E nurses believed it, they might have thought my suicidal thoughts were not that serious. And now it is documented that I “always present in this way” professionals are likely to just disregard my distress. It’s so annoying because I do not always present in this way. I’ve only been to A&E four times for my mental health problems: the first time was because I’d taken an overdose, and the second and third times were because I was trying to stop myself from overdosing again. The fourth time was because I DID overdose again because they did not help me. I know the difference between suicidal thoughts that are hugely distressing but will pass if I just wait it out, and suicidal thoughts that I am very, very likely to act on. If it’s the first kind I might call the duty worker or the crisis line for emotional support. If it’s the second kind then I need to be in the hospital! I get suicidal thoughts a lot, but if I am attending A&E because of them, then it is serious. Grrrrrr. But there’s more. When I went to A&E for the second time a nurse recorded that I have a history of borderline personality disorder. This is completely false! I have never been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder! There was a time I thought I could have this, and raised it with my psychiatrist, but he has not diagnosed me with it. I also had a psychometric assessment that suggested I have some of the traits, but not enough to meet criteria for a diagnosis. So it seems this woman has made a false judgement about me and I am angry because there is a HUGE amount of stigma around borderline personality disorder, and this WILL affect the way staff treat me, I have no doubt about that. To a lot of people borderline personality disorder is practically synonymous with “attention-seeking” and “manipulative”. I am looking into getting this amended because I have enough issues as it is without having to battle discrimination caused by a false diagnosis made by a judgemental nurse! This same nurse has also recorded that I refused to discuss management/coping strategies for my suicidal thoughts, and that I was just “seeking admission”. This is so untrue I could cry! Hospital admission is my biggest fear and I have done everything in my power to avoid it, including not always being entirely honest about how bad I’m feeling because I’m scared I’ll get sectioned, and agreeing to engage with the home treatment team even though they are crap. I was not seeking admission at all, I was seeking help and support to stay safe during one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Grrrrrr, again! So yeah, I think reading the notes impacted on me a lot, and that’s why I was crying so much last night. And I was also thinking of all the things I want to speak up about, and complain about, and that makes me feel like a horrible person, because nobody likes a person who moans and complains all the time. But as somebody with mental health problems, who has friends and family with mental health problems, and who works with people with mental health problems, I feel like I have a duty to speak up about this stuff and fight for service improvements. This is something I am so passionate about. I just wish it didn’t make me feel so crappy. But I’m not a horrible person for trying to bring poor practice to light and instigate change, am I? So why do I feel like I am? |
| I woke up at 4:30am and could not get back to sleep. It's now 6:30 and I'm still not feeling ready for sleep, though I am getting there! I think I will need at least a couple of hours extra as I only slept for 4-5 hours, which is not enough for me. I've made good use of the past hour though and have been researching trade unions. I've never been a member of a trade union before, but feel like I should. I was torn over which one to join, but then realised it doesn't really matter seeing as being a member of any of them is better than not being a member at all. I realised I'd be better off than I am now, whichever I chose! Still, it was really hard to pick between the two main ones, but in the end I chose the one that seemed a bit more vocal and knowledgeable about representing the rights of disabled people. The main reason I wanted to join is to get assistance in negotiating disability leave at work, so it makes sense to join a union that knows a lot about that. I learned about disability leave from the occupational health adviser I saw recently. Apparently it enables disabled employees to take paid time off from work for disability-related reasons, such as attending appointments, getting treatment etc, and is recorded separately from sick leave. It is considered to be a reasonable adjustment that employers should consider making if feasible. I feel like this is an adjustment I really need as all of my absences so far (apart from about two days) have been related to my mental health conditions and I am regarded as disabled under the equality act because of them. It would be amazing and life-changing to get an adjustment like this. Before I learned that this could be a possibility, I had considered asking for unpaid leave to attend appointments, and to take "rest days" when I need them... I had no idea that I could request for this to be paid. Anyway... I have joined and just need to wait for my application to be processed. It will cost just under £10 per month, but I think it will be worth it, and it makes me feel a bit more secure and protected. It also makes me feel like a grown-up! I'm a full-time NHS employee who is now a trade union member! How mature! In other news, I have decided to let the flat go. Yes, I'll lose my £200 reservation fee, but viewing the property again made me realise it isn't the one for me. It has some amazing plus points, but the negatives outweigh those and I want to keep looking for my perfect place. The period property I saw was almost perfect and if it had a shower and allocated parking, I would have definitely gone for it. I could imagine myself living there, and picture all my belongings in it. I am struggling to do that with this one, and therefore have concluded that it isn't the right place for me. I feel sad and frustrated, but will keep looking, and am hoping to view another one later today, and am waiting to hear back about viewing a second one. I have no idea if this blog entry makes any sense as I am very, very tired. I am going to try to get some more sleep now!  |
| I've just put a load of photos of Bonnie and Toby on Facebook which has reminded me that I haven't blogged about them for a while. Today has been a tough day with them. They are hard work! Sometimes I feel like it's worth it, sometimes I don't! Today I want to return them both to the rescue place... haha! But I won't! I'm a real dog owner: I'm here for the rough times, and the fun stuff. I knew getting two rescue dogs would be hard but I did underestimate just how hard. Still, when I see them both snuggled up on the couch, perfectly content and safe, I feel happy that they are in my life, and I hope I am giving them both a better life than they had before. So anyway... here's a bit of an update on how they are doing... Toby has waaaaaaay too much energy. Seriously, there does not seem to be a limit to his energy and he is constantly up for a game. He loves to play even more than Jade did, and she was super playful. The thing with Toby though is that he is actually crazy around toys. He just loses his head if someone starts a game with him, and he literally can't see anything except the toy. Today I threw it across the garden and it fell onto the middle tier and he just dived off the wall after it, not looking where he was going at all, or what he was jumping on to. He crashes into fences, garden furniture, bushes, Bonnie and all sorts to catch a toy that has been thrown. I've never known anything like it! He's such a sweet little dog though, and he's become pretty affectionate too. At first he was a little aloof, but now he has settled in, he loves to get cuddles. He unfortunately has some issues with separation anxiety, but I think on the whole he is a happy dog. He lives for playing and going on walks. Bonnie is extremely lazy... and naughty... and cheeky! She adores Toby, whereas he merely tolerates her. She's always trying to get him to play and will try to initiate a game by either nibbling him all over, or doing these funny little jumps all around him. I'll have to try and get her on video doing that as it's so cute! Sometimes she'll steal his toy too and go running off with it, which doesn't go down well with him. She loves food, and mealtimes are the highlight of her day. As she is so lazy she is prone to weight gain, so we have her on a strict diet. She is a jumpy, nervy dog, and has unfortunately become very fearful about walks. This is a major issue at the moment. I thought we'd made progress over the last couple of days, but today was awful. She gets especially scared if she hears children laughing, or people playing with a ball. Today she would not walk by some children playing cricket, and I couldn't even persuade her with treats. It's so sad. I'm determined to help her overcome this though because she needs to exercise, and I want walks to be a source of enjoyment, as they are for most dogs. Here are a few pictures of them:     Aren't they adorable?! Yes, it's hard work, but they are worth it. We've given a home to two dogs who really needed one -- that's special. Hopefully with hard work, love and patience we can help them to overcome their issues, and they can spend the rest of their lives in a safe, loving home. Even if I do end up moving out, I will still share them with my family and still be just as involved in their care. I'm glad we rescued them.   |
| I don't self-harm often, but have been cutting myself a fair amount recently when I have been feeling overwhelmed, and I also had that incident in A&E that I have already blogged about, when I cut my wrists. As a result, I have some scarring. The worst of it is on my right thigh, just above my knee. I thought if I was going to do it, that would be a good place as I only ever wear dresses with leggings or opaque tights, and so nobody would see them. However... I'm going to a wedding in just over three weeks and the outfit I am wearing does not cover my scars. I am going to be wearing sheer, skin-coloured tights, which I hope will make them less obvious, but I'm still worried they will be visible. I've ordered a long-sleeved bolero to cover my arms, but if it is hot I will look odd wearing that, so I'm worried about the scars on my wrists too. I cannot change the outfit, and so I have to figure out how to camouflage the scars. I hardly ever wear make-up but have some concealer and foundation that I bought to cover up a cut on my face, so I tried that. It was way too dark for my arm, and just looked like I had a patch of dirt there, which is not the look I'm going for! It looked less "dirty" on my leg, but didn't completely cover the scars -- some are pretty red and raised and they were still visible, though less so. I don't really know what to do. I'm trying not to panic as I have some time to research it and try stuff out, but I don't know where to start and I don't want to spend loads on make-up. I just feel so depressed and ashamed, and wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm also worried that any product I do end up using could rub off. If anyone has any suggestions for a good product that could be used to cover scars and is likely to stay on, please let me know (I'm in the UK though, so it will need to be available here!) I'm thinking maybe waterproof make-up would be more durable? I don't really know anything about make-up! How do I determine what shade to get?! Should I ask for advice at the make-up counters in the beauty stores, or will I get judged?! I don't need this stress! I wish I didn't get impulses to mutilate myself when I am overwhelmed, and I wish the psychiatric liaison team had just come to see me in the first place when I was in A&E, otherwise I wouldn't have needed to resort to cutting my wrists. Damn my ridiculously unhealthy mind! Urgh. |
| I have been approved by the lettings agency, so if I want the flat, I'm free to move in! I have asked to view it again before I sign a tenancy agreement and the woman was a bit stuffy about it, but has agreed. Unfortunately they can't fit me in until next Monday, which is a bit frustrating. I'm completely torn over what to do, but hopefully seeing the place again will help me to decide. Yesterday I had my appraisal at work, and it mostly went well with my manager saying I am a respected member of the team. She also praised me for being self-aware about what areas I need to develop in and said I have built up good therapeutic relationships with service-users. She is happy with the way I am working and said if there were any issues she would have raised them before the appraisal. However, she also told me that through the system used to monitor sickness absences, I have been "flagged up" and will need to have a meeting with HR to discuss the situation. She repeatedly told me not to worry about this and said that all avenues to support people in work are explored before someone gets let go. She also said I am protected to a certain extent by the equality act, but still, I can't help feeling hugely anxious about it all. All this situation is going to achieve is that I will now feel terrified to go off sick. So now if I am feeling too depressed and anxious to work, or if I'm feeling suicidal, I will still have to go in. I can't provide good care when I'm like that -- that's why I call in sick. I suppose I'll just have to ask my colleagues if I can do paperwork etc, rather than direct patient care when I am feeling that bad and hope that that will be acceptable. I don't know.After that meeting I came home to a letter from the manager of the community mental health services about the meeting we had to discuss my complaint. I can't even describe how upset and angry the letter made me feel! They do not think they have done anything wrong and think it is perfectly fine that nobody contacted me after my GP asked them to review me urgently. I do not understand these people. That, plus how emotional I was feeling due to being told I have had too many absences from work made me feel like absolute crap, to be honest. I spent the evening unable to stop crying and I felt completely exhausted. Thank goodness I didn't have to work today. I'm actually on annual leave now until next Thursday. I feel like my blog has become really boring. Sorry if it has. Also, I know I have some comments and emails to respond to -- I will get to them, I just find it hard to keep up with stuff like that when I feel so bad. I truly appreciate people reaching out to me, though. I wish I could start writing poetry again, so I could depend on my blog less as an emotional outlet. I miss it so much, but just don't know what to write. I tried reading through some of my poetry recently to see if that helped spark my creativity, but I didn't enjoy what I read. I'd gotten to a point where I really liked my own poetry, but now I don't. I wrote so much throughout 2014 and 2015 thanks to Patrick and Mandy's Muse Masters Campfire, but my creativity left when they did. I feel so angry at them for what they did and how they just dumped all their friends here because a few people didn't like them or their activities. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this but that incident impacted on me deeply and I feel like I never got any kind of closure. They were both very important to me and I considered them close friends, and I loved taking part in the campfire. Then one day it was all gone and I haven't written creatively since. There is definitely a link there! I consider it to be the cause of my writer's block, though I know other factors have since stopped me from overcoming the block. But if anyone has any suggestions for how I can find my creative spark again, please let me know. I don't want that ugly incident to stop me from ever writing again! That would be crazy! But I feel like I have fallen out of love with poetry, and I don't know if it is possible to learn to love it again. Is it? |
| The situation with the flat is stressing me out a lot, and I am having second thoughts. I still have not been able to submit my paperwork yet because I needed to get some information from my work's payroll department, and they close at a stupidly early time. So I could not contact them on Thursday. I was able to get through to them on Friday, but then could not drop the paperwork off due to finishing work late. I tried to go today (as it says on their forms that they are open until 1pm on Saturday) only to find the office empty and closed. I eventually managed to get through on the phone to be told they ARE open on Saturday, but by appointment only. It does not say this on their form, so I am feeling very annoyed! I am having second thoughts for two reasons, really. The first one is I think I made my decision too hastily. I had to rush because properties around here get snapped up in a heartbeat, but now I wish I'd thought things through a bit more. I should have risked missing out to give it a bit more consideration. The second reason is that I actually think I could potentially get a mortgage for shared ownership places, and this might be worth exploring, as (partially) owning my own place would be awesome! So I am feeling HUGE amounts of anxiety because I just don't know what to do for the best, and everything feels crazy and out of control. However, I am trying to manage my anxiety as much as I can. As I have paid the £200 reservation fee, it makes sense to still submit the application paperwork and go through the credit checks. If my application is rejected then the decision will be made for me! If it is successful then I have decided to ask to view the property again before I sign a tenancy agreement. I will then go and spend some time there looking it over more closely than I did. I'll probably take a tape measure too, to ensure I can fit my bed and wardrobe in the small bedroom! Then hopefully I'll feel more able to make a decision. If it feels right, and I go for it, then great. If I decide to back out, well... that's not so great, but it will not be the end of the world. I will lose the £200, which is a lot of money, but worse things could happen. I feel it could be beneficial to rent before buying because it is a good way to test out living by myself and to see if I can afford it okay. It will also show mortgage lenders that I can afford my own place and manage my finances. The downside is that there will be big upfront costs, and I will also not be able to save as much (if at all) and therefore will have less to put down as a deposit on a house. But I'm trying to tell myself that there is no point worrying about all this crap right now! I have not even passed the credit checks yet! So I am trying very, very hard to put my anxieties on hold. I do not have to make a decision yet. I just hate all the uncertainty. I find that so hard to deal with as it makes me feel out of control, and I am SUCH a control freak. I wish I could learn to let things go a bit. I know rationally that I can't control everything, and that there is no point stressing about it. But I can't always think rationally! |
| I've done it! I've put a deposit on a flat. ARGH! It is nowhere near as nice as the one I fell in love with (but couldn't have ) but it has some major plus points. The biggest positive is that it is a first floor flat, and yet does not have anyone living above or below. It's hard to describe really, but it's kind of like there is a bridge between two houses, and the flat is the bridge if that makes sense. Maybe I can put a picture up if I get approved! I like that it is on the first floor, so it feels a bit more secure than a ground floor place, and yet I will not have to worry about disturbing people living below, or getting disturbed by people living above! Hopefully the neighbours on either side are quiet! I have to submit my paperwork and wait for them to do reference checks now, so there is a chance I will get turned down. I can't see why though, because the last time I checked I had a really strong credit score, and I have no debts apart from a student loan, which does not count anyway. The only reason I might get turned down is because my income is a little lower than they would like. However, they have said I can pay the "shortfall" up front, which I am able to do from my savings. The bedroom is a bit small, but the reception room is very spacious, and it has a sweet little kitchen in an alcove. The bathroom is quite nice, and it has a shower! There is allocated parking, so I do not have to worry about that. I really like the location too, and it's less than 10 minute's drive from my mum's house (where I'm living now). I'm nervous as hell, which is stopping me from feeling excited, but I think moving is a good thing. It's just a big, big step. But I am viewing it as a trial period. I will move out for six months, and if I hate it, or if I am struggling financially, then I will not renew my tenancy and will either find somewhere cheaper, or will move back home. I think I will feel disappointed and relieved at the same time if they reject my application! Disappointed because I will not be able to start this new chapter of my life as soon as I would like, and relieved because I'll be able to put off making such a HUGE change! But hopefully I will get approved and everything will work out fine, and I'll love having my own space, and it will end up being really, really good for me. Fingers crossed, anyway! Scary! |
| I am having such a tough time with making decisions at the moment: should I move out, or stay at home and save a bit more? Should I do my master's degree full-time, or part-time? If I do it part-time, should I do it long-distance with a university I have never studied at before, or should I do it one day per week on campus at the university where I got my undergraduate degree? Should I continue making plans for the future, or should I just kill myself? I am struggling, struggling, struggling. With moving... it is such a big step. I have lived away from home before, because I did it at university. I lived in halls in my first year (and hated it!) but moved into a flat-share for the other years. I really liked my flat and during the summers I had it completely to myself because everyone else went home, but I stayed so I could continue going to karate. I enjoyed living by myself, so I am not overly concerned about that. I'm just worried that I will pick the wrong place. I viewed two today, and both where nice, but I have not put a deposit down on either because I just couldn't do it. I kept thinking, what if this is the wrong place? Also, I am worried about money, because my income is not exactly stable right now thanks to my health. I have savings but I would rather not use them because that money is for the future when I am hopefully not a crazy person. I want my own space so much, but thinking about all the hassle of going through credit checks, submitting references and then, if successful, arranging to have my furniture moved, and buying new stuff (as I own no seating!) is overwhelming. I think having my own place will help me mentally, but I think all the stuff that has to be sorted out beforehand will make me worse because of the stress. Also, I don't really like the idea of renting. I could potentially get a mortgage, but it would be for a teeny-tiny, probably very run-down place, and I would not be able to afford white goods for the kitchen, or living room furniture. So I think renting is the better option for now. Urgh, I don't know... With the master's degree I am thinking that as much as I would like to get it done as quickly as possible, it is probably better to do it part-time. I am not exactly coping with life right now so doing a full-time, demanding degree would be madness. I cannot cut down my hours at work, especially if I want to move into my own place, so I think I have to do the course part-time. But... then I do not know which university to choose! The distance-learning course would be easier and cheaper, but doing it at my university has a certain appeal. I know how that university works, and am familiar with the way they do things. Plus I think I would prefer to learn face-to-face, rather than online. But... I don't think the distance-learning course has exams (will have to check to be sure) and that is a big plus point. ARGH! I cannot decide this either. As for my intense suicidal ideation, it comes and goes. Sometimes I feel okay and start planning for the future, then I get overwhelmed and want to end everything. It is quite scary. It would be a shame to die when I have positive things on the horizon, but I don't know if I have the energy to make it all happen. And if I can't make it happen, then what is the point in sticking around? So... this is where I'm at right now. It's not a nice place to be! I wish I could feel less overwhelmed, but I think things are going to get worse as I am going back to work on Thursday. The occupational health advisor did not declare me unfit, but she did insist I go back to work gradually, starting with just six hour shifts (I managed to get that up from four hours). I want to go back but I am feeling incredibly anxious about it, and am not sure if I am going to be able to cope. We shall see, I suppose! |
| I spoke to my manager on Friday after an appointment with my GP and asked if I could go back to work next week but she said she wants me to see occupational health first, and get cleared by them. My GP thinks I should go to work if I feel up to it, so hopefully the occupational health advisor will say the same. I'm not sure if I'm up for it, to be honest, but I want to try. I feel so much better about myself when I'm working and although it's a really hard job, I like doing it most of the time. Plus, the longer I'm away the harder it is to go back. I've been off the ward for almost three weeks as I had a training course, then got pretty unwell, so I don't want to be away for much longer. I am anxious about tomorrow and know I will FREAK OUT if I am declared unfit for work. I seriously don't know what I'll do if that happens, but I suppose there is no point worrying about it now. Fingers crossed it goes okay. I am not 100%, but I think getting back to work will help me. On Friday and Saturday I went to view two flats (or apartments if you're not British!). I am thinking of moving out, because I think that will help me mentally. I love my family, but I need my own space. The one I saw on Friday was in a really lovely location, but it was small, cramped and scruffy. It was not suitable at all, and I couldn't see myself living there. I also didn't think I would be able to fit my wardrobes into the bedroom! The one I saw on Saturday was amazing, but I can't have it. It's the top floor flat of what used to be an ale house in a historical market town. Apparently the building was also possibly used as a brothel at one point! We had to go up this winding staircase to reach it, and it still had original features, such as a stained-glass door and wooden beams. The flat itself was open plan, with an archway separating the bedroom from the kitchen/living room area. Then it had a separate bathroom, which was huge. I am so, so in love with it! It is so quaint and eccentric and I can imagine all my things in there. So why can't I have it? Well... it doesn't have a shower, which is a major downside for me. It has a bathtub but I am not a bath person. I need my showers! And those stupid shower attachments that can be fitted to the bath taps are not good enough to wash my very thick, curly hair. Also, it is not even possible to have one installed due to the structure of the building -- it has a slanted roof and thick beam right across where the shower would need to go. I thought I could possibly wash my hair at my mum's place, but the flat is twenty minutes away from her's, and it would be a lot of hassle driving back and forth. Another major downside is that there is no allocated parking, so I would have to park in a side-street or in the car park in the town. This is not ideal and I think it would make my car insurance go up. So... it is with a heavy heart that I have decided against it, because those are two very big cons that I cannot overlook. I'm going to keep searching though and am researching housing associations and council housing too. I think I could be eligible due to my disabilities, and living at home is definitely making my health conditions worse. Hopefully I will get something soon. I would love a period property as they have so much character, but I'm open to more modern properties too. If I ever become a clinical psychologist and earn a decent income I would love to buy a period cottage in the tiny market town near where I live. The town I live in is very new (I think it turns just 50 next year) but it is surrounded by several historic villages and towns, and I can see myself living in a place like that in the future. Please wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow! And please wish me luck with my accommodation search! I think financially it could be tight for me to get my own place, but I think this would be a good step for me. |
| I’m going to kick off this blog entry with a story about Ned. Ned unfortunately has epilepsy, and it can be very disruptive to his life. He goes to a clinic at his local hospital where he is seen by a general neurologist. He also sees nurses in the team who talk with him about the impact of his illness on his life, and also advise him on how to stay well. Ned has a difficult relationship with the staff at the clinic because it has taken them a long time to get his specific diagnosis right, and to find him the right treatment. He does not trust them, and so often sees his GP instead when he needs help. He has also requested to be seen by a neurologist who specialises in epilepsy, as he feels this would be better than seeing a general neurologist. This is currently being explored by the healthcare professionals, who think it could be possible, but may have to apply for funding for it to happen. Recently Ned contacted the clinic and told them his seizures have gotten worse and he feels very worried. He wanted to go in to speak to somebody about possibly changing his medication, and also to discuss any support he could get while feeling so unwell. He was told this was not possible and was advised to see his GP. The GP told Ned that he would really need to be seen at the clinic, as she felt they have more expertise in this area than she does. She said she would contact the clinic and ask them to see Ned urgently for a review, and that they would get in touch with him in the next couple of days. Ned did not hear anything from the clinic and ten days later contacted them himself. They said the GP had not followed the correct procedure to ask for a review. Thankfully Ned’s seizures had settled down a bit, but he felt annoyed at the situation. He had needed help and had been fobbed off. Then nobody from the clinic had contacted him. His GP had felt Ned needed a review, yet the clinic had not done this just because the GP failed to follow the correct procedure. They had not even told the GP about her mistake so that she could then follow the correct procedure. Ned decided to make a complaint about this situation, especially as things like this seemed to happen all the time at the clinic. In his complaint letter he wrote, “I am not surprised this has happened, to be honest, because the team at the clinic do not seem interested in supporting me”. It was perhaps a bit petulant in tone, but he had valid reasons for feeling that way. A few weeks later he was invited to discuss his complaint further in a meeting with the clinic manager, Jane, and the service manager, Phil. Ned did not really want to go to this meeting as he felt his complaint spoke for itself and there was nothing left to discuss, but they encouraged him to attend so they could “properly investigate” it. Ned attended the meeting and noticed that Jane and Phil had highlighted printouts of confidential notes from his appointments at the clinic. They also had copies of confidential letters that had been sent by the clinic to his GP. This made him feel uneasy. He knew they had access to these documents, but he didn't understand why they had brought them to the meeting. After introductions Phil said, “I would like to start off by just recapping where we are now when it comes to your input from the clinic, and treatment so far. Is that okay?” Ned was a bit confused because where he is now in terms of his treatment and input from the clinic does not really have any relevance to his complaint, but he decided to just go with the flow and agreed. So Phil looked down at the highlighted notes and letters, and summarised what has been discussed with Ned in his recent medical appointments at the clinic. Ned agreed that this has happened. Phil then briefly mentioned Ned’s complaint and informed him that his GP had followed the procedure incorrectly, and this was why the clinic had not contacted him. Ned replied, “I understand this, but my issue is that nobody contacted me or the GP to say the incorrect procedure had been followed, allowing it to be put right, and therefore I did not get reviewed when I needed urgent help”. Phil looked down at the notes again and then said, “I understand you’ve been seeing the team at the clinic for a long time now, is that right?” He went on to say that he understood Ned has also recently asked to be seen by an epilepsy specialist. Ned said, “That’s right. But I’m confused because this has nothing to do with my complaint”. Phil then briefly summarised what he had said before about the GP not following the correct procedure and Ned felt frustrated because this was not the issue. He thought Phil must be a bit stupid and realised there was no point trying to pursue his complaint further. He was past caring about it now. However, Phil and Jane were not finished and continued discussing Ned’s current treatment with the clinic and mentioned that in the past Ned had not always been concordant with his treatment regime for his epilepsy. Ned felt confused about how this was relevant to his complaint, but was really stressed and could not be assertive enough to ask what the hell that had to do with anything. So instead he agreed that was the case. Phil and Jane looked smug, and Phil said, “this is something that we need to think about when it comes to moving you forward with your epilepsy treatment”. They also talked at length about Ned's diagnosis, which was also very confusing to him, and he wondered why his diagnosis was even being mentioned, let alone discussed, in an appointment that was supposed to be about his complaint. The meeting ended with Phil and Jane saying that Ned’s request to see an epilepsy specialist was still being explored and so in the meantime the clinic would continue to support him in the same way they have been doing. Phil walked Ned to the front entrance and Ned was able to say he felt he had been blindsided by the appointment because it actually had nothing to do with his complaint. Phil said, “I’m sorry you feel that way”, and watched Ned wipe tears from his eyes. He then said goodbye and walked away. The End What happened to Ned it pretty ridiculous and appalling, isn’t it? The situation just doesn’t make sense, and probably seems far-fetched. People with epilepsy probably do not have to contend with stuff like this if they make a complaint of this nature. Okay, so it's probably obvious that “Ned” is really me, and you can replace “epilepsy” with “body dysmorphic disorder” or “mental health issues”, “neurologist” with “psychiatrist” and “seizures” with “suicidal thoughts”. So yeah, this happened to me today, and I am distraught about it. I was invited to a meeting to discuss my complaint, but it was actually an ambush for them to humiliate me, discriminate against me and bully me. I felt completely blindsided, confused, judged and powerless. I felt violated and sick. I actually cannot believe this has happened. My mental health issues, diagnoses, past problems with engaging with treatment and request to be seen by a specialist have absolutely NOTHING to do with my complaint. I complained because nobody contacted me when I needed help urgently. The facts are: I needed urgent help, my GP requested they help me, they did not contact me at all. None of the other stuff they raised matters in relation to this and they did not address my complaint at all! I am beyond baffled right now. I seriously do not understand what has just happened, or why. I feel upset, confused, angry and shocked, and I seriously do not know what to do. I actually think they may have beaten me. This was pure discrimination but I can see there is no point in fighting against this. There is just no point. They are never going to admit to the appalling way they have treated me. I could fight them forever out of principle but where is that going to leave me? Exhausted and distressed. I think I’m done. |
| This is a blog entry about something positive. I am still in a pretty bad place mentally, but something nice happened to me today that I want to share, and I don't want to talk about any of the crappy stuff. But before I get into it, I just want to say thank you for the supportive messages I have received. I will be responding to them all when I feel able to. So anyway, I decided to try walking both dogs together today. I have done this a few times, but not much because it is very difficult seeing as they are both not fully trained yet and are very strong. To give this some perspective, I weigh about 40 kg, and my dogs combined weigh about 41 kg! I am attempting to control my own body weight on the end of two dog leads! My mum has mostly been walking them and so I have been feeling like I am not getting as much enjoyment out of being a dog owner as I would like. But I thought I would give it another go today, with some strategies in place to make it easier, such as stopping to let other dogs walk by us, rather than attempting to continue walking with both of mine pulling towards the other dog. But this isn't really about that! When we were walking this young man was jogging towards us and as he went by he gave me a very sweet, genuine smile. So I smiled back and thought to myself, aw, what a nice young man! Then the next thing I know he had turned and jogged back, passing us again. He stopped some way ahead and looked around. He seemed to be waiting for someone. So we passed him again and I smiled again, and he smiled back. I got a little way ahead and then heard him calling, "excuse me!" I stopped and he caught up and then said, "actually it doesn't matter" and turned to go. I was confused and curious so said, “are you sure? Go on!” He started twisting his hands nervously, then said, “I just wanted to say… I think you look very beautiful.” Awwww! I literally could not help but beam in response to that, it was so nice to hear!  I said, “thank you so much” and genuinely meant it, and then said, “you’ve just made my day!” He said, “you too” and then turned and walked away. So I continued walking only to hear him calling out again! He caught up and then again said, “actually it doesn’t matter”. So I said, “no, go on!” And he said, “I’m nervous”. I tried to smile reassuringly and he said, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Awwwwwww! I said, “Yes, and I think I’m probably quite a bit older than you” (I swear he looked sixteen at most!) His response was, “it doesn’t matter” and he looked really sad. I asked him his age and he told me he is twenty (seriously, he did not look or seem twenty!) I asked him if he lives around here and he told me which estate. I also asked him his name and he told me he is called Vikram. He seemed so shy and nervous and did not ask me anything in return so I said, “I’m Jess. It was nice to meet you”. We then said goodbye and went our separate ways. I was so flattered, honestly. It meant a lot, especially as I have just been referred to a clinic that specialises in Body Dysmorphic Disorder due to having a distorted body image and beliefs that I am abnormally ugly. It was also rather bizarre seeing as I had my hair tied back, was wearing a ridiculous knitted beanie-style hat, an ugly coat, my dog-walking jeans and trainers. I could not have been looking more unattractive! Haha! I suppose it just goes to show that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I hope I handled it okay. I didn’t want to lead him on at all as obviously I am in a relationship, but I would not have considered going out with him anyway. He was a nice looking guy but he seemed immature for his age, and looked young too. I feel twenty is a bit young anyway. I’m almost thirty now! But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings either. Hopefully he could see that I was genuinely happy and flattered by his comments. He truly did make my day and I keep smiling now just thinking about it. I sensed it took so much courage for him to talk to me and I hope he isn't thinking back over it now and wishing he hadn't said anything! I also hope I came across as a nice person. Awwww! And to top things off, walking both dogs went fine. They behaved and we had a really enjoyable time together. So there are some positives right now and I'm glad I decided to push myself to go out when I just felt like staying in my room. |
| I was meant to work on Thursday, Saturday and Sunday last week, but obviously was not able to due to all the craziness that has been going on. I told my manager I would be okay by next week but now that next week is here I can see I was perhaps being a tad optimistic. I'm supposed to be on a training course tomorrow. It's only 9:30 am to 1 pm, but I will have to leave at 7:30 am to ensure I get there in time and can find somewhere to park. I took my quetiapine tablet at 9:30 tonight, hoping to go to bed an hour later and be asleep before 11. It is now almost 12:30 and I can't sleep. Quetiapine usually completely knocks me out so I don't know what is happening, and I am panicking. I am exhausted, anxious and depressed, and feel like I won't be able to cope with getting up, getting ready, and getting myself to this course. And if I cannot cope with doing that, how the hell am I going to cope the day after when I am supposed to be back on the ward, and will therefore have to get up at 6 am, and won't be home until after 8:30 pm? It is not going to happen, is it? So what the hell am I supposed to do? My job means more than anything to me. If I cannot work, I do not want to be alive. My manager has been so supportive but I have not been able to maintain full-time employment for a consistent period of time since I started working there and I am worried she will begin to lose patience with me. I am scared I will lose this job. Even with all the positive changes I have made since I overdosed in 2014, poor mental health continues to ruin my life, and now I have overdosed again. And I probably will again, except that will be the last time because it will be for real. I see the people who come onto the ward I work on and I see how chaotic and disrupted their lives are. I'm no better off really, I just avoid the hospitalisation part because I would rather die than stay in hospital. But mental illness is so, so disruptive. How can I hope to study for a master's degree in September if I cannot even maintain full-time employment? How can I hope to ever own my own home? If I cannot keep a steady income then I won't be able to get a mortgage. I won't even be able to rent anywhere. I'll be stuck living with my mum forever. How can I hope to have children one day if I cannot stay stable? I can't even look after myself, so how can I look after someone else? I will be 30 years old next year and feel like I have nothing to show for it. I have not achieved anything I wanted to do except get a degree, and I even messed that up, didn't I, by studying the wrong freaking subject?! I have been working so, so hard to get the life I want but it doesn't matter. The life I want is unattainable thanks to my own stupid, malfunctioning mind. Do you know something? I have not been able to work a full month on full-time hours since I started this job, and I have been there for seven months now. How pathetic is that? I'm not sure how I haven't been fired yet! I don't even know if any of this makes sense because I think my medication is kicking in now, haha! What a joke! |
| My mental health has deteriorated a lot this week, and I took another overdose last night (my second, the first one being back in 2014). The thing is, I actually tried to get help before I did it this time, and was met with the most frustrating and bizarre situations. I went to A&E and told them how I was feeling, but they said the psychiatric liaison team would not come to see me as I needed to contact my community mental health team for help seeing as it was office hours. So I contacted the team from there to be told, “Just go home and try to distract yourself”. The A&E nurses were as frustrated and baffled as me and tried again to get the psychiatric liaison team to come and see me, but they still refused, saying the mental health team would see me in two days. So I locked myself in a toilet in A&E and cut my wrist using a blade I have been using to self-harm with recently. The nurses unlocked the door and told me to give them the blade, which I did, otherwise they were going to get security and I did not want that to happen. They then bandaged me up and said they would try the psych liaison team again, and finally—FINALLY!—they agreed to grace me with their presence! It only took me slicing my arm to make that happen!  Two people came from the team. Both male. One was a doctor, I think, and the other probably a nurse, though I didn’t catch his job title. They were impatient, rude and hostile. They did not assess me properly, and I know that for a fact because I work in mental health now and know what a risk assessment involves! After saying patronising things to me such as, “there is no miracle cure for your illness”, and also the very tired, clichéd, “what do you think would help?” (I mean, if I knew that, wouldn’t I be helping myself? ) they said they were going to discharge me and the mental health team would see me in two days.I felt distraught. They may as well have said, “Just go and kill yourself” because that’s what their words really meant to me. I told them I felt a danger to myself, and was desperately trying to get help to stay safe, but they refused to help me. I sat crying and they walked out of the room. A different nurse from the earlier one came and said I needed to go, but she understood I needed time and said I could wait there for a bit and she would come back and check on me. I cut my other wrist using part of a plastic cup but, though it hurt like hell, it wasn’t very deep. I went to ask the nurse if I could see my notes, because I wanted to understand the rationale for sending me home, but she said I would need to apply officially to see them. I then asked her if the psych liaison team usually discharge suicidal people and she said they do if they deem someone is not a risk to themselves or others. She asked me if I wanted her to try them again but I just said, “don’t worry about it” and walked out. I felt utterly defeated and let down. I knew when I left that I was going to take an overdose. I got home, waited until my family were asleep, and then took a number of beta-blockers. I then left the house, not really sure what I was doing or where I was going. As I walked I began to panic about dying and called NHS 111. I told them where I was and they said they were sending an ambulance. I am a coward. That arrived shortly after and the paramedics were amazing. I had to drink activated charcoal for the second time in my life and it still remains the single most disgusting thing I have ever had to swallow! Honestly, it is thick, gritty, dusty liquid and it made me gag several times. At one point I even threw some of it back up.  They took me to hospital and the staff there did a blood test, my physical observations such as blood pressure and temperature etc, and an ECG. They then decided to put me on a heart monitor. I saw the nurse I had seen earlier, the one who I had talked to just before I left and I asked her if she thought they should have discharged me. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Honestly? No”. She said as soon as I left she documented what had happened. She also said she had suspected then that I would be back later. After that two other nurses and a student nurse expressed frustration and/or disgust that I had been allowed to go home. And multiple people said that mental health services appear to be inadequate. Anyway, they needed to observe me for six hours to ensure I was okay physically before contacting the Psych Liaison team again. The wait gave me time to just put things on hold for a bit, knowing I couldn’t harm myself anymore, and I think my suicidal thoughts and intent kind of burned out. So when I saw the Psych Liaison people again (two different ones this time, two women) I said I was not going to harm myself today. They asked about tomorrow and I said, “I don’t know”. They also said they were not going to do a full assessment because I had already been assessed. So that’s twice now that they have failed to do a proper assessment, when surely a proper, full assessment is paramount when dealing with suicidal people? I am completely appalled about that. I got into an argument with one of the psych women because she said she had contacted the mental health team and my key worker had said I can contact them in the afternoon if I still require support. Firstly I was confused because I don’t have a key worker seeing as my psychiatrist felt I no longer needed one. But now, miraculously, it seems I suddenly do! And I’m wondering if this is so they can cover themselves if any questions are raised about this whole situation. Then I felt angry because of course I still need support. I’ve just taken an overdose and am feeling incredibly fragile. I also felt extreme anxiety at the thought of having to contact them and speak over the phone when they have let me down so, so much recently. So I explained this to the woman and asked could she please arrange a face-to-face appointment for me, to save me the anxiety of contacting them and possibly being told they are not available, and also to save me the anxiety of having to deal with them on the phone. She refused to do this for me, saying I needed to contact them myself and that it would help me to take the lead on this. I guess she meant it would empower me. I said again and again that normally I can and do make phonecalls but that today I am feeling mentally fragile, have been distressed for hours and hours on end and now feel completely exhausted, that it is difficult for me to talk to them on the phone, and so could she please do this one small thing to support me during one of the most difficult times of my life. And she still said no! And the weirdest thing is that she had told me she was going to contact them again anyway (I can’t remember why) and so when I pointed out she could do this one small favour for me when she contacted them again she bizarrely said she couldn’t.  I don’t get it at all. We argued for ages and eventually she said she would try to do what I’d requested but couldn’t promise anything. She then stalked away from me! So bizarre!I went home and slept. The mental health team of course did not contact me. I was unable to contact them due to my anxiety. So to summarise! In the last 24 hours I was discharged from A&E by an incompetent doctor who did not assess me properly, despite me telling him I was feeling suicidal and felt unsafe. I took an overdose, requiring an ambulance, treatment, and observation in hospital for several hours at what is probably a MASSIVE cost to the NHS. I then spoke to an incompetent mental health nurse who also did not assess me properly, and who would not do one small thing for me to make my life just a teensy bit easier. I left the hospital with no proper plan in place to help me stay safe or feel supported, leaving me at huge risk of harming myself again, or even killing myself. And I was not contacted by the mental health team. Imagine how much easier, compassionate, cheaper and safer it would have been if they had allowed me to talk with someone about my feelings, possibly done some problem-solving with me on stuff that is bothering me, allowed me to wait somewhere safe and quiet until my suicidal thoughts subsided, set up a face-to-face appointment for me with the mental health team to discuss ongoing support, and encouraged me to return to A&E if I felt unsafe again. That is what I needed, and I can see that now, though couldn’t then when I was highly distressed. Tonight I feel exhausted, depressed and anxious. My chest is hurting, I feel dizzy, and have a major headache, but I’m not going to do anything about it because I don’t really care. Maybe physical damage is only emerging now. Maybe I’m going to die. Maybe it will settle down. I just don’t care. I’m going to sleep soon and see what tomorrow brings. I don’t know if I will feel better, the same, or worse. And I don’t know what I’m going to do. Sorry if this is too much information. I needed to get it out. |
| My life feels very small. Work has literally become my life. Days off are about recovering so I can work again. I do mindfulness colouring, I go on the internet, I walk my dogs (sometimes, though mostly my mum walks them), I eat, I sleep, I work. That's it. I miss reading  I have periods where I can read, but then I stop being able to focus on it so I stop for a while. Or I just read non-fiction, which is not the same as getting lost in a novel. I miss writing poetry I feel scared to try writing again, and I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel like I've lost my creative spark.I miss taking part in WDC stuff and interacting with people here I want to do it, but it just never seems to happen.I miss learning Dutch I started it up again fairly recently, but quickly became demotivated with it again and stopped.I miss Jade I love my new dogs but they are not Jade. I do not have the same connection with them or the same routines, which makes me miss her more.I have become so focused on building the foundations for my future career that I have let everything else slip away. I should be working on training my dogs and getting to know them better. I should be keeping in touch with people here, and writing poetry. I should be reading and learning Dutch, things I used to love. But I have no energy. I feel the most incredible fatigue at the moment. I had a load of blood tests, but they all came back normal (well, except one which needs to be repeated because the sample was not sufficient). But I suspect that will come back normal once it has been repeated. I feel like it might be my medication, but that would be ridiculous because I take 12.5mg of Quetiapine and the normal dose is 300-800mg a day!!!!! Still, 12.5mg completely knocks me out each night, so maybe it is that. I just really don't want it to be because I feel like I would never sleep again if I stopped taking it. Urgh. I don't know what to do. I wish I had more energy. I wish I could reboot myself. I wish I wasn't me. |
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