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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I've had an offer from a London University to study a conversion Master's in Psychology, starting in September. I've also applied for a distance-learning course with another university, but haven't heard back from them yet. The London course would be one day a week on campus. I feel more scared than excited right now and am questioning my ability to cope both academically and emotionally with what will be a very demanding course (whichever I end up doing). But when it comes to the academic side of things I suppose I need to keep telling myself that I achieved a 2.1 for my undergraduate degree, despite being very unwell and not exactly enjoying my course most of the time. And I seem to have an aptitude for psychology seeing as I got a grade A in my A Level, and also passed the University Certificate course with distinction. I have a lot of passion for the subject, and am prepared to work my hardest. When it comes to the emotional side of things I suppose I have five months to work on my mental health, and hopefully I will be feeling less fragile by the time September comes around. If I also get an offer for the distance-learning course then I seriously don't know which one I will choose. I prefer face-to-face learning but travelling into London once a week will be expensive and stressful. I will also have to apply for flexible working in my job in order to have one day a week free. The distance-learning course will be easier to fit around my life. The London course fees are a couple of thousand of pounds higher than the distance-learning course, but they offer scholarships. If I were to be awarded a scholarship, then the London course fees would be halved!  I like the sound of that! I'm definitely applying for a scholarship. I also have to decide whether I'm going to study full-time or part-time. If I go with full-time (which I would prefer), I need to decide if I will remain full-time at work, or ask to be part-time. I think it would be possible to continue working full-time while studying full-time, especially as I work long shifts over three days so have four days free most weeks, but I'm sure it would be extremely hard and stressful! I'm not sure if I'm up for that! Argh... too many decisions...  Also, I'm still not decided on whether I want to be a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. I'm still doing the conversion course though because I want to! I feel like I need to do a psychology degree to make up for not doing it all those years ago when I should have. Now I have the opportunity to do it! And I am leaning more towards Clinical Psychology, to be honest, despite knowing it's an incredibly competitive and hard career pathway. Clinical Psychologists have more opportunities to take on leadership roles, and more scope to change and plan services. That all interests me. I don't just want client contact. I also want to be involved in management, consultancy, training and supervision. Plus, Clinical Psychologists make a lot more money than social workers! Even trainees earn more than newly qualified social workers. Double plus, I like the idea of getting a doctorate. I just don't know if it is madness to be setting off on a career pathway that is equally, if not more, competitive than medicine, extremely demanding, and will involve at least another four years of study. Not to mention all the hours of working in low-paid, unskilled support work roles that I will need to build up relevant experience... Scary stuff!  |
| Everything was going so well. I was doing amazingly at work and I felt positive about the future. Then I had three horrible work shifts where we were understaffed and/or dealing with difficult service-users and challenging situations... then I got physically exhausted... then I got emotionally drained... then I was off sick for about two weeks. I managed to go back to work last Wednesday, and worked 10am-6pm on the ward. We then had an Away Day on the Friday, which I also managed to go to. However, towards the end of that day I got a pain in my jaw that built and built. By Saturday evening I was in agony and went to the Urgent Care Centre. The doctor I saw there diagnosed me with Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction and prescribed me strong painkillers. I had to call in sick to work again, as I was supposed to be working on Sunday. Today was my first shift back and it was horrible. I felt useless. It felt like all the confidence I built up before has been knocked down. I did not feel able to do simple tasks such as checking a patient's property, or answering the phone... things I was fine doing before. I did an hour of Physical Health training and made a complete fool of myself. I got flustered when we were taking each others' pulse manually due to not liking physical contact with people. Usually I'd be able to overcome my discomfort, but because I am feeling so fragile at the moment, I couldn't. So I got hot and dizzy, and my mind went blank, and I had to stop doing it, and I looked like a complete idiot. Also, I hate that I am doing part-time hours right now, when I was coping full-time before. I feel like a failure. Especially as I'm even struggling with part-time. I've had people telling me that maybe I need more time off to focus on getting mentally stable and physically well again, but I don't want to take more time off. I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to work full-time and do everything that is expected of me at work. Maybe I do need time off to get a handle on my mood and anxiety, and also to rest, but I know that will make me feel more and more frustrated and depressed. I do not want to be the person who has to take time off because they cannot cope with life. I need to work to feel useful. Feeling useful helps me mentally. But right now I am struggling to work and I can't stand that. Maybe I could create an action plan to help me at work, like I did before. And maybe I can push myself to do the things I used to enjoy, such as writing poetry and learning to speak Dutch, so I am not focused on mental health stuff ALL THE DAMN TIME (my own, and patients' etc). But I just don't think I can be bothered. I feel like maybe I'm done.  I just don't know what that means exactly yet...  |
| I am so, so depressed right now. I have been off sick from work since I came home early on the 21st and I feel incredibly down and panicky about that. Today I went in to speak to my line manager, and she is being great and very supportive, but I still feel horrible about everything. When I went in I saw my favourite patient (I know I shouldn't have favourites, but I do!) She is a lady who is very severely disabled by her mental health problems, and who also has a learning disability and lots of physical health problems. She has difficulty communicating and can be very hard to engage with, but she seems to trust me and I am often able to communicate with her when other staff members have not been able to. Anyway, when she saw me, I said hello to her, and she gave me a huge smile. It broke my heart, to be honest. I miss working with her and I feel like I am letting her down. Also, my manager said to me that she thinks I am a very good worker when I am fit and well. Obviously this was awesome to hear, but it was also distressing too, because my health has deteriorated and I can't work at the moment. I desperately, desperately want to get back to work, but I also feel scared that this time away from the ward will knock my confidence and that I will not be as good at my job when I go back. I know I will feel very anxious if and when I go back. Everything was going so well, but now it is falling apart and I can't cope. I am so frustrated and upset that I seem unable to stay stable when it comes to my mental health. I just want to get on with my life.  |
| I had to come home early from work on Monday because I am not well. I suddenly feel physically crap, my mood has dropped, and my anxiety has shot up. I think this is a result of exhaustion, because I have been pushing myself way too hard. Also, I think my medication makes me too tired. So I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, and now I am off sick from work. My manager is being great about it, but it's still worrying. My GP is also being great, but I am embarrassed about how much I have been contacting him recently, especially as we had a conversation the other week about my dependency on him.  He's being very nice about that issue and said we'll work on it together, but not to worry about it too much for now, and to keep contacting him as and when I need to. I think he recognises that he is my main source of support right now. Anyway, I did call the mental health team first today, just to see if they would be helpful, but it was a waste of time as usual. So then I contacted the GP. He was concerned because I have suicidal thoughts, and has told me to go to the hospital if I become actively suicidal. He has prescribed me some Lorazepam to help me manage my increased anxiety. He saw me briefly when I went to collect the prescription and just repeated his advice to go to A&E if my thoughts get worse. I wish I wasn't so scared of A&E!I've taken 0.25mg of Lorazepam tonight. I'm supposed to take half a 1mg tablet (up to twice a day) but I find that too sedating, so I thought I would see if a quarter of a tablet does anything. I think maybe it has helped a little, and some drowsiness is kicking in now, though less so than when I take 0.5mg. I have felt so sad today. I drove into work to talk to my manager (she has said to take as much time as I need), and afterwards I drove around my town for a bit because I didn't want to go home (sometimes I feel unsafe at home. ) But while I was driving I saw so many dead animals in the road. I saw two foxes, a deer and several birds. It has made me unbearably sad and every time I saw one I burst into tears. I want to cry just thinking about them all now. That's definitely a sign my depression is bad! Because although I always feel horrible to see dead wildlife, it doesn't usually make me cry and I don't usually continue thinking about it. But I can't stop thinking about all those poor, broken, dead creatures. This evening I have spent most of my time in room. Actually, I have been spending way too much time in my room since I came home early on Monday, and I haven't wanted to leave it (though when I do go out, I'm anxious about going home -- ARGH!) I've been using my colouring books and I decided to try out some new gel pens I bought. I've only been using colouring pencils in my books, so I felt a bit nervous to use pens. It went well at first, but then I smudged the ink on one picture. Damn my inability to hold a pen correctly! I hold it in the most ridiculous way, honestly, that results in my hand dragging across the page, and that's a disaster when using wet ink pens! I was being so careful too, but think I had a momentary lapse! Oh well...I might go to bed soon and see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully I will be feeling a little better. |
| I found a story earlier that I wrote a year or two ago and have never shown anybody. I don't know why I didn't ever post it because I don't think it's that bad! Actually, I'm pretty sure I wrote it in response to a prompt for an official WDC contest, but I didn't enter it. I kind of regret that now because I think it's a pretty original story and might possibly have fared well! I don't know whether to put it in my portfolio. I haven't shared any new creative writing since April 2015, and I don't think I have actually written anything creative since then. Maybe posting the story will spark my creativity? I am actually already thinking up another story/poem because a couple of weeks ago a really bizarre, yet strong and interesting, image popped into my mind and I want to explore it in more detail! I feel so exhausted today. Work has been incredibly difficult and I have faced several things this week that have made me question again if I am in the right job. On Tuesday we were understaffed and I was left on level 3 observations for 4.5 hours (level 3 is where a patient needs 1:1 support on a constant basis). Usually staff do it for an hour (two at most) then we switch over, because it is draining to be with someone needing that level of support for long periods of time. I felt so angry that shift and came to realise that although I have a very good team, the management do sometimes expect too much of us. We are human beings! We get tired and hungry. We need the toilet! We get emotionally drained. And when you are tired, shaking with hunger, desperate to use the toilet, and emotionally spent, you cannot provide good care and support to people. Also, at the moment we have a patient who has taken the place as my least favourite patient EVER! I know that sounds mean but it is unrealistic to think that I will like and get on with everybody who comes onto the ward. This particular woman is very irritating and demanding. She has a voice that grates on my nerves and she unfortunately uses it often. On one of my shifts this week she became increasingly demanding to the point where she was constantly seeking attention from staff. She just would not leave us alone even for a minute and the whole team became worn down by her. I got to a point where I was just saying, "hmmmm" to everything she said, and not really listening anymore. I couldn't listen anymore. I literally had nothing left to give. Later, when I was in the nursing office, one of my colleagues muttered, "oooh, I'm going to kill her in a minute!" and I responded wryly with, "and I'm going to help you!" Unfortunately on that same shift I walked in on a pretty serious self-harm incident that has shaken me to the core. I pressed my alarm and it failed. I pressed the wall alarm, and that failed too. I ran to get my colleagues, who were thankfully very near by. The person was fine, but things could have been very different. I am upset with the way I handled things, because I should have directed my colleagues to the right room and then gone to get the ligature cutters. Instead I took them into the room, and had to go back for the cutters. I think I just wasn't thinking clearly due to this being the first time I have seen something like that, and also because I was so drained from dealing with the demanding woman all day. Even during this incident she was still trying to get attention from us.  I'm trying to tell myself that I handled the situation to the best of my ability at the time, and next time something like that happens, I will handle it even better. So yeah, earlier this week I wanted to quit and my anxiety sky-rocketed. I saw my GP on Thursday and talked with him about things and he asked when I was next in. When I told him I was back in on Friday he said, "what do you want to do?" I told him I wanted to stay in bed but knew that would make things worse. I said if I didn't go in, then I didn't think I would go back. He agreed that it would probably be better for me to go in, but reminded me that I am more important than a job and money etc, so to do the best thing for me. It took a lot of courage to go back yesterday but I'm glad I did. It was a better, more settled shift, though by no means easy, because work is never easy. I felt more in control, and I feel like I dealt with some things competently. I am learning that I do not have superpowers and I can only do so much. We always have too much work to do and I am trying to be okay with the fact that I will not be able to do everything. I want to be perfect and do everything perfectly but that is impossible. I am learning to prioritise! This job is THE hardest thing I have ever done but I am doing it. Now I have the whole weekend to rest and recover from one of the hardest weeks of my life. I aim to use it well! |
| ... I tried to kill myself. I can't believe that was two years ago and I can't believe what I have achieved since then. On that day I reached rock bottom. I had been turned down for a job scheme that I felt certain was meant to be and believed was going to change my life. I felt utterly destroyed when I found out I'd been rejected, and thought I would never get a job and feel like a contributing member of society. How things have changed! Since then I have built myself up and am now working in a paid, full-time job. And not only that, I am working in a responsible role that is important to society. I love my job and I love how it makes me feel. I know I have found my passion and I intend to continue working as hard as I can in my job so I can progress and gain experience to help me in the next chapter of my life, which will hopefully be starting this September if I am able to return to university. On the 13th of March 2014 I never would have dreamed that in two years time I would be working in a person-focused role with ambitions to become a Clinical Psychologist or Mental Health Social Worker. Now (at times!) I feel like I have the drive and ability to make a success of either of those careers and I am already working towards becoming a professional in the mental health field. I wish today could have been a good shift at work to mark what feels like a significant moment in my life, but unfortunately it was hard and draining. Today I do not love my job! Today I feel very depressed, actually, despite knowing I have made a tremendous amount of progress since the lowest point of my entire life. I can't be bothered to go into why. I will try to hold onto the positive though. I used to say in this blog all the time, "I'm trying so hard to get my life on track". Well, I don't need to say that anymore! It IS on track! Now it's just a case of choosing a direction to travel in. I've had so many bad days since that horrific one but I keep going. I always keep going. Maybe I always will! Maybe I will get to a point where my mental health feels stable and where I feel I have achieved what I hope I am capable of. I hope so... |
| My mum was admitted to hospital on Sunday. She has sepsis, but they are not exactly sure what is causing it. They believe she may be having some kind of allergic reaction, and are also looking at the possibility of her having arthritis. It has all been incredibly overwhelming. My sister and I have been visiting her each evening and she seems fairly upbeat considering the circumstances, but her fingers and toes keep swelling up, she has an extremely bad cough, is covered in a horrific-looking rash and has a high temperature. I have never seen my mum look this ill before. It is terrifying. My manager has been understanding and has allowed me to miss three days of a training course. But I have to go back to work on Friday as the regular ward staff are having an Away Day and it will be really bad if I don't go. Away Days are very important for a whole host of reasons I can't be bothered to go into right now! So things are incredibly stressful. I don't think I've blogged about this, but I've recently had two sessions of EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. It's used for people who have had a traumatic event and so far I hate it. It feels like hypnosis to me and I am really struggling with it. But when I said this to my therapist she said if I don't want to do it, there will be no more service for me and she will discharge me back to my GP. Although I absolutely HATE the mental health team, if I get discharged I will no longer be able to access the psychiatrist or the duty team or the out of hours service. But I can't think about this now because I WILL have a panic attack. Tomorrow I have to get a tetanus vaccine because I unfortunately managed to get dog mess in a cut.  Yeah, I was cleaning up after Bonnie on a walk and my hand slipped. Bonnie and Toby are doing pretty well, but they are hard work! And it is even harder now my mum is not able to help out with them. Bonnie in particular is a challenge as she has a lot of issues and I am more convinced than ever that she is an ex-puppy farm breeding dog. All the signs are there. Toby has helped her in some ways already because she copies a lot of his behaviour. He has taught her what toys are for, and has also made her less afraid of the garden. I've been trying to keep up with both of their training but everything else is getting in the way. I'm planning on taking Bonnie to training classes once things have settled down. They are getting more used to each other and have had several play fights now. I am hopeful that they will become close! I can't believe the huge amount of stress and pressure I feel under right now. I'm so worried about my mum and I'm worried about missing work. I'm so anxious about what is going to happen to me with the mental health team, and I'm exhausted from looking after Bonnie and Toby practically on my own (as my sister has not been helping much!) I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown when I need to be strong. |
| When I decided I want to work in mental health I identified four careers that interest me: nursing, occupational therapy, clinical psychology and social work. Now I have narrowed it down to two areas: clinical psychology and mental health social work, but I cannot decide between them! Last year I discovered there is a programme for people who want to work as social workers in mental health. It starts in July and this is the first year it is running. I considered applying but felt I did not have the confidence or ability to go for it just yet. If I’d known my confidence at work was going to shoot up so much I might have applied! But now I've missed the deadline. I have also missed the deadline for applying for more traditional routes into social work, so there is no way I can study social work until 2017. I feel that whatever field I choose, I still want to do the psychology conversion course. I always regretted not getting a degree in psychology and I thought I would never be able to do it as I could never afford to do a second undergraduate degree. But then I found out it was possible seeing as conversion degrees exist and they are a fraction of the cost of undergraduate degrees. So… I am applying to study psychology this September, but I don’t know whether to do it full-time or part-time! Ideally I would love to be able to study full-time while also working full-time, but this may be too difficult. The sooner I get the conversion course done the sooner I can apply to the clinical psychology doctorate (if that is the route I decide to go down!) Also, one of the conversion courses I have seen finishes in June, so if I was able to complete it full-time I would be finished in time to begin the social work programme (if I decide to go down that route and am lucky to get accepted on the programme!) But if it is too much to work and study full-time I have to decide whether to switch to part-time at work or to go part-time with my studies, and there are pros and cons for doing both. It’s so hard to do know what to do! ARGH! I hate making decisions! |
| When we decided to get a rescue dog we always had in mind that we would like to rehome two, as we previously had two dogs and it's so nice for them to keep each other company if everyone has to go out. We got Sophie in the summer of 2000, and then of course Jade in the winter of the same year. Both were puppies when we brought them home. We didn't get another dog after Sophie died in 2009 because we knew Jade wouldn't tolerate another dog in the house. She only ever got on with two dogs: Sophie, of course, and George (her "boyfriend" who she saw on walks occasionally!) After Jade died, and we decided we were ready to open our hearts to another dog (or two), we originally went to the dog rescue place to look at two female Staffordshire Bull Terriers who were being rehomed together. However, we found out they are not good with other dogs and so we felt they wouldn't really be suitable for us. So of course we were then introduced to Bonnie and she has now been a part of our family for three weeks. The kennel staff felt that she would be able to live with another dog and so today we brought home Toby, who we met last Saturday and have spent some time introducing Bonnie to over the past week. Isn't he handsome?!   He seems to have settled in well so far and he and Bonnie are getting along. Fingers crossed that continues! I'll try to blog more about him tomorrow or over the next few days as I'm way too tired right now. But please wish me luck that this works out because it's so nice to have two dogs again and when both are settled and trained (or fine-tuned in Toby's case, as he already knows basic commands) I think things will be amazing! I don't know what will happen when my sister and I move out (which will hopefully be happening for both of us within the next year or two) but these dogs will always be loved and I guess we'll just have to take turns spending time with them once we no longer all live together. But I don't need to worry about that for a while! For now I'm just going to enjoy getting to know two lovely dogs and feel good that we are offering them a warm, safe, comfortable, loving home.  |
I feel so bad for my inactivity on wdc and I miss taking part in this community, but I am so busy right now! Work has become my life. But I am continuing to kick arse at work! It is going better than I ever could have hoped and dreamed, and I feel like I am laying solid foundations to build my future career on. There's just so much that is going well and I've been getting good feedback on pretty much every shift. Today the consultant even mistook me for a nurse and when I told her I'm not a nurse she said, "you're a student then?" and looked surprised when I told her I'm a support worker. To be mistaken for a qualified member of staff by the consultant doctor is a pretty big compliment!  We also have a new senior nurse on the ward and I was talking to him earlier about how I feel my confidence has grown so much and that I feel like I know what I'm doing a lot of the time now, and he said, "yes, you definitely seem like you know what you're doing". But that's not all... one of the senior support workers told me I'd done well today and he was very grateful that I stayed late to help finish the notes. And this was all just today! I am getting feedback like that on most shifts and I feel now that I am a proper member of the team and even someone that my colleagues can depend on.It's not all smooth-sailing though... I had a blip yesterday when my anxiety just got the better of me and I got a bit tearful in front of the lead nurse. She was so nice about it though and I was able to pull myself together pretty quickly. It's going to happen. I have anxiety. I feel confident I won't fall apart in front of patients. I'm pretty good at masking my anxiety until I am in a situation where it is okay to let it out! But I tend to get more anxious the more chaotic the shift is. I think I may be a bit of a control freak. Well, I know I am. So when I feel like I'm not on top of things, and can't get back on top of things due to factors outside of my control, I get ridiculously anxious. I need to learn that I can't control everything! Also, another thing that's not good is that I am getting a lot of self-harming thoughts at the moment, and am even getting these at work, despite things going so well. I hate that I've done this, but I've even self-harmed at work. I haven't blogged much about self-harm before, but it is something I do sometimes unfortunately and I have such strong thoughts about it right now. I think it's just a way to cope with stuff because although work is going great, it is challenging. And things outside of work are not great at all.But I don't want to think about all that. I'm trying to focus on the positives! I feel so emotional when I think about how far I have come and just what this job is doing for me. It's transforming my life. I never thought I'd be the sort of person who can confidently deal with someone who is expressing suicidal thoughts, or who can stay calm when someone is being verbally aggressive towards them. I feel like I am learning and growing all the time. Who knows where I will be in a year's time? Or maybe even sooner than that! I feel like I have the potential to progress to a band 4 job within the next year, which is the highest band you can get to without a professional qualification. I'm going to work as hard as I can to make that happen! Though I seriously couldn't be working any harder. I am giving it my all, which is why I have so little time for here right now. But I love working so hard. I love working! I am so, so grateful to the two people who interviewed me and saw past my anxiety and shyness and gave me this wonderful opportunity. And I am so grateful to my manager and amazing team who have been so supportive of me and allowed me to find my feet in my own time. I just hope I can keep going like this and that my stupid mental health issues won't get in the way. It's a constant battle, but maybe I'm beginning to gain the upper hand? I hope so! |
| ... I am kicking arse at work!!!!! Haha! I had the most amazing shift yesterday. I was confident, I was competent, I supported my colleagues, I connected with patients, I got my notes done, I kept on top of things, blah, blah, blah! Then later on in the shift my colleague K------ said, "M--- and I were talking about you earlier and how well you're doing." M--- is the manager... the top dog, above my line manager!!! He thinks I'm doing well! Her comment made me grin from ear to ear and then I said I feel like I have grown so much in confidence. She said it's really noticeable and that when I first started they thought I was lovely, but felt unsure how to bring my personality out, but they don't have to worry about that now. And she's not the first colleague to comment on my progress. Another nurse also asked me recently if I think I've progressed and when I said, "yes" said she agrees and that it is really noticeable. But that's not all... today one of my fellow support workers said, "I actually think you're one of the best ones in this job." ARGH! That was so nice to hear. I did continue to kick arse today, which was good really because the nurse in charge, a lady I hadn't worked with before, seemed pretty incompetent. She was nice, but just didn't seem to know what she was doing. At one point she was even loitering in the corridor and came up to me while I was on a level 3 observation and said, "do you want me to take over? I'm not doing anything; I'm just loitering." It was bizarre because the nurses are ALWAYS rushed off their feet. She should have been doing something. I just thought, why aren't you doing your progress notes or checking the level 3 boards are up to date? That's what I do whenever I get a moment, which is rare. Actually, both nurses on today were a bit crap. I was constantly having to make sure the observation boards (1, 2 and 3) were being updated, which was hard when I was mostly on level 3 observations (being 1:1 with a patient who cannot be left alone). Yeah, I can do level 3 observations now! That is how much I have progressed, because before, the thought of being 1:1 with a patient who is at risk of self-harm and suicide was terrifying and I couldn't cope with the idea. Now it is still terrifying, but I feel I can handle it. I still have a lot to work on though, but I am no longer doubting myself and questioning if I am right for this job. I am definitely right for this job because I have the compassion and sensitivity to do it, the desire to get better at it, and a strong work ethic. It's not just a job to me. It means more to me than I can say. So that is why I'm often still there after the end of my shift, helping the nursing staff to do the admin stuff that we just don't have time for during the day. And that's why I am constantly going on about it in my blog! I am truly starting to feel that I could be a clinical psychologist, or a mental health social worker (I have ruled out occupational therapy). But for now I am aiming to be the best clinical support worker I can possibly be. I want to be the one the nurses can depend on to do stuff without having to be asked; the one who knows how to do things, and can teach other people; the one who sees what needs doing, and gets on with it. I'm already pretty good at that last one! So yeah, I feel so crap right now, both mentally and physically, but I am determined not to let that impact on work, which could not be going better. I have found my passion! I love working in mental health and one day I will be a qualified mental health professional. Watch this space... ! |
| Whenever I'm beginning to get on my feet and feel somewhat settled and whenever I'm beginning to feel that I'm making progress, life fucks me over. Sorry for the strong language but that is the only word strong enough to describe it. I had been doing much better but now something has happened to shake that... just when I am supposed to start doing full time shifts again at work. Must I really have a mental health crisis every couple of months? I am trying to rebuild my life but something always seems to come along to knock down the walls of my progress and turn my efforts into dust. So what is the point in continuing with all this crap and trying so hard? I just don't want to do it anymore. |
| ... and it's amazing! We brought our rescue dog home on Saturday and she seems to be settling in really well (fingers crossed that continues!) We have renamed her Bonnie and she is absolutely adorable. Where Jade was the most playful and fun-spirited dog I've ever met, Bonnie is the most cuddly and affectionate. She likes nothing better than to snuggle up with someone and get lots of fuss and attention. And if the person she is snuggled up to stops stroking her she'll often nudge at them or cuddle in even closer to get them to start up again! Overall she is doing incredibly well and it is remarkable how laid back she is in our home seeing as she has only been here for two full days. She seems to be a confident character who takes everything in her stride. Since getting here she has been unbelievably tired, sleeping loads. We're not sure if she is naturally lazy, or if she is just completely exhausted after spending a few months in kennels and then moving to a strange new place to live with people she hardly knows. I suppose it's not surprising really if she needs to rest a lot seeing how much she is having to take in right now. Also, if she has never had a real home before then it is probably a real novelty to have comfy sofas to lounge on and she's making the most of it! We really don't know whether she has been in a home environment before. Her placid, loving nature points towards her possibly having had a caring family at some point, but there are several signs that make us think this could all be new to her. For a start she is not trained at all. She doesn't know (or remember) any of the basic commands such as sit or stay. We're not sure if she is house trained either. She has urinated in the house twice but we think this was stress-related. We've been taking her in the garden frequently so hopefully she'll understand soon that she always needs to do her business out there! Some other reasons we think she might have never had a real home are that she was pretty startled when we put the television on for the first time, and she reacted nervously to the vacuum cleaner. Also, she does not seem keen to be out in the garden and I'm wondering if this is because she is worried she won't get back in the house. After having it so good for a few days -- being allowed to lounge on comfortable couches in a nice, warm house -- she might be feeling anxious that she'll lose it. Oh... and another reason is that she doesn't seem to know how to play with toys. But who knows?! We'll never know for sure what she has been through. I'm just happy we are now giving her a safe, loving home and I hope it continues to go well. I think it will be hard to train her seeing as she is not a puppy, but I don't think it will be impossible, and I am feeling up to the challenge! Anyway, here are a few photos of my beautiful Bonnie, who I am already very much in love with!      |
| Today a lady from the animal rescue place came to check our house and garden, and we passed! So we get to bring our new dog home tomorrow. I am ridiculously happy and excited, but sad at the same time. Right now I am crying for my Jadey. I miss her so much and am suddenly feeling a lot of guilt. I know it is stupid, but I feel like I'm betraying her. I don't want people to think that we are replacing her or that I have already moved on from her death, because I haven't at all. I had a complete mental breakdown over her death. She meant the world to me. Getting a new dog is about giving me another living being to focus on, because I feel like that is something I need to help with my depression. And as horrible as losing my beloved Jade has been, I am now in a position to give a home to a dog that really needs one. As an animal lover I almost feel like it is my duty to do that (though a duty I very much want to carry out!) I am trying to tell myself that there is no need to feel guilty. My family and I are doing a good thing. No dog will ever replace Jade. She was special. It breaks my heart that I will never get to hug her again, or play with her, or go on a walk with her. I think my sister's partner put it nicely when he said we are not replacing Jade, just filling the void that has been left since she died. We are an animal-loving family and our home has felt strange and incomplete without a pet in it. Throughout my ENTIRE life there has always been a pet (or two, or three, or four!) in my home, so the three months since Jade died have felt completely alien and wrong to me. This new dog will be different to Jade. She can't replace her, but hopefully having her in our family will help me feel a bit more stable. And hopefully she'll bring the safety and comfort I have missed so much and craved so desperately since Jade died. Please tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about! And please wish me luck with this new phase of my life. Hopefully our new dog will settle in beautifully and become a member of our family. I hope it works out! |
| I have had the most exhausting day, and tomorrow I am back at work after a week of annual leave. I wish I'd had a more relaxing day, but then I suppose I should be grateful that I have been too busy to dwell on how anxious I am feeling about going back to work! I know I have been doing much better at work but when I go back, everything will be different... different ward, some new patients, some new colleagues. Yes, I am feeling very anxious about all that! I want to blog about my day but I am going to do it backwards -- from evening, to afternoon, to morning -- because I got increasingly stressed throughout the day, and maybe reflecting on it backwards will help me unwind! Plus I'll be blogging about my nice morning last, which will be a nice subject to end on and hopefully I will then go to bed thinking about that, and not about the other stuff! So... This Evening... I have ordered a new bed and mattress. This might not seem like a big deal but the mattress world is an absolute minefield. I have spent what feels like years (though is probably about 2-3 weeks) researching mattresses and bed bases and trying to find the best ones for me. What I have realised from this experience is that I could spend the rest of my life researching mattresses and still never feel sure that I've selected the most suitable. There are millions, billions, trillions of products out there and it is terrifying! I even narrowed my options down from the outset by selecting just one brand to focus on, and I still got completely overwhelmed by the sheer number of different mattress types. In the end I have gone for a medium comfort level, geltex-topped, miracoil, hypoallergenic divan bed with ottoman storage. Phew! It sounds techinical. And it cost me over £600, rising to just over £700 if I also want them to remove my old bed and mattress! This whole thing has been so unbelievably stressful and it isn't even over! My room is quite small and there is a slight chance that the new bed will not fit in the space I want it to go in! If this happens I will have to get rid of my bedside table, which will make me sad! But I will not know for sure until the bed arrives on the 13th, so for now I am just going to try and put all this behind me. But this damn mattress better be worth all this hassle! Okay, so all that gave me a headache, but This Afternoon... was bizarre. I tried out a session of Equine Facilitated Psychotherapy. This is not available on the NHS but I was able to negotiate a free trial. Normally sessions would cost around £100. I wanted to try it out because I have tried many types of therapy and not found one that suits me. I was also extremely interested in the idea of using horses in therapy. But I won't be going back because I didn't feel comfortable. Basically I met with a woman and told her a bit about my difficulties. We then did an exercise called "Meet the Herd" in which I had to stand in an arena with three loose ponies and watch them while I did a "body scan" of myself. I then had to communicate any thoughts or feelings that came up from this. After that I had to select a horse and we took him into a stable to do "reflective grooming". Unfortunately the horse I chose was very strong-willed and "antsy". He would not stay still! I did find some of the session helpful though and the theory that horses pick up on our energy and emotions is interesting. The therapist felt that the horse wasn't allowing himself to relax, and that this might be relevant to me. She gave me the challenge of trying to relax him, and I did manage that in the end, though it took hard work. That was good, but on the whole I felt uncomfortable, and at times unsafe too, so I will not be going back. I'm glad I tried it though and it may give it another go in the future if I can find a different therapist. So the later parts of the day were stressful, but at least This Morning was great! I went to visit Candy, by myself this time as my mum and sister were at work, and Mark went back to Cardiff yesterday. I wasn't intending on walking her because I was feeling nervous due to not knowing her too well, and also because of her strength (she will definitely need a harness, rather than just a lead attached to her collar!) But she came bounding out of the kennel and seemed so happy to be out that I decided to just go for it. We walked to a nearby country park and spent some time there. She is a really great dog and attracts a lot of attention from other people! Two couples stopped to talk to me about her, which was nice. There were so many positives about this visit and I am feeling more confident that she is the right dog for us. Although she is strong and does like to pull it is very easy to get her walking nicely. If she pulled I would stop and then gently pull her back so she was beside my leg, rather than in front of me. If I did this she would look up at me, then walk in a circle around me and then we'd continue walking and she'd stay right beside me, walking nicely... at least for a little bit. I feel that it will be very easy to train her to walk nicely all the time though. And I found it funny that she would walk in a circle around me every time I corrected her. It's like she needed a second to get in the right mindset or something like that! Some other positives are that we saw lots of dogs and she didn't react negatively in any way. She is very curious about other dogs and will look at them intently if they are coming towards her, but she shows no aggression. Several dogs even came right up to her and she just sniffed them. And two of the dogs who came up to her barked right in her face and she didn't react. She was totally calm and didn't even pull towards them. I love that! That is just what I want in a dog. I hope she stays like that and doesn't get more aggressive as she gains in confidence. But if we get to bring her home then I am planning on taking her to training classes. Jade was mostly very well-trained, though had difficulties with recall and being round strange dogs. I feel that if I am going to be confident walking with Candy then she needs to be exceptionally well-trained. She is so strong that I don't think I could physically control her if necessary, such as pulling her away from another dog. Therefore I need to know she will be responsive to any "commands" I give her and I think consulting a dog trainer would be best to help me with that. So that was my day! Tomorrow and Wednesday I have work, but on Thursday I will get to visit Candy again. Hopefully the kennel people will do our home and garden check soon and then fingers crossed she gets to come home with us. This waiting and not knowing is killing me! I need to know if she is going to be part of my family! |
| My family and I have decided to get another dog, or possibly two. This isn't to replace Jade, who can never be replaced, but to fill the void that has been left in our lives since she passed away. Rather than getting a puppy we have decided to get a rescue dog. And it is a big deal! This is the first time we have gotten a new pet -- of any kind -- in fifteen years, because Jade was the last pet we got in a long line of animal family members! Anyway, yesterday, on my birthday, my mum, sister, Mark and I went to an animal rescue place near us to look at two Staffordshire Bull Terriers (staffies) they are wanting to rehome together. This is the breed Jade and our other dog, Sophie, both were. But when we got there we were told another family had also come to meet them and were just about to take them for a walk. We got to glimpse them just before they left and they looked gorgeous! While we were waiting we decided to take a look at a male staffy we had read about on their website. The kennel worker brought him out and he was insane! He had so much energy and kept jumping up at us. And he was so strong -- he could have easily knocked me over! We didn't feel that he was the right dog for us, and then the staff member told us he isn't good with other dogs. That's not ideal for us because we want a dog who is friendly with others. Jade and Sophie were both aggressive towards other dogs and it could make walking them stressful. We want a dog that we can let off the lead, walk around other dogs, and who could potentially live with another dog. We were also told at this point that the two staffies we had come to see are also not good with other dogs, so that was a bit depressing. But then the lady told us they have another Staffordshire Bull Terrier, who is very good around other dogs. She is estimated to be around 8 years old and came into the kennels from the pound, who I think picked her up as a stray. They believe that because she has the prized "blue" fur colour she has been used purely for breeding and that she has been bred over and over again, and not really had any kind of life. They think she was probably just let go onto the streets once she got too old to have puppies. We'll never know if this is true or not, but it's heartbreaking to think it is a real possibility. So we got to meet her! Her name at the moment is Candy. She doesn't respond to that name though so it could easily be changed, which is good because we don't like it! And she is absolutely beautiful! Her fur is a kind of grey-brown, technically called "blue", like I said, and she has the most mesmerising amber eyes. She is bigger than Jade was, with a massive (yet adorable!) head, strong, powerful shoulders, and a lean, long body. Her paws are much bigger than Jade's were and she walks kind of funny. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's like she is walking low to the ground. This makes me wonder if she has been kept in a cramped cage for long periods of time. But I don't know why I'm describing how she looks when I have a photo to share! Isn't she gorgeous? We took her for a walk and loved how calm she was around other dogs, even when a couple were barking and lunging at her. She was also friendly and affectionate, snuggling right into us when we stroked her, and even rolling onto her back when my mum rubbed her belly! It didn't take long for us to decide that she is the dog for us, and so we reserved her. We now have to get a home and garden check before we are approved, so fingers crossed this works out, because I have already fallen a little bit in love with her! We are hopeful though because we are experienced dogs owners, have owned this breed before and have a big garden which is very secure. Also, we have been told that we are the only people to have shown an interest in this dog. They think she has been overlooked because of her age. I think we are the right family for her and when they come to check our home the first thing they will see when they walk into our living room is a framed picture of Jade and Sophie! We are very clearly dog-lovers so I see no reason why they will reject us. Another of their requirements (other than the home check) is that we visit the dog at least another two times before we bring her home. That's not a problem because we want to see her more and get to know her! So my sister, her partner and I went again today and took her for a longer walk. She seemed a bit subdued today and we are wondering if she was nervous about walking far from an environment she is used to with strangers, but if we crouched down to her she was just as friendly and snugly as before. I feel that if she is this affectionate when she has only just met us, she is going to be incredibly loving and cuddly once she knows us better! As I'm not working tomorrow I'm going to go back and see her in the morning, and my mum will be able to go on Wednesday. Then we should also be able to see her Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday too. I want to see her as much as possible so we can get to know each other and she can get comfortable with us. Then if we are lucky enough to bring her home she will know who we are and what we are like and it won't be so daunting for her. I feel excited and sad and scared. It is exciting to possibly be getting another companion, but of course it is sad too because I wish I still had Jade. I guess I feel a bit guilty too, but we are not replacing Jade. We never could. She was the most awesome dog. An absolute legend! But it is nice to think that we will be giving a home to a dog that really needs it, though that is scary too. We had Jade from a puppy, so raised her. We can only speculate about Candy's background and we do not know what she has been through or what she will be like in our home. I have fallen in love with this dog and I so badly want things to work out. I want to get approved and for her to come home and settle in with us. I want to give her a happy, loving, healthy life. If she has suffered hardship, then I want her know what it is like to be loved and cared for. So please, please wish us luck! |
| Prompt from Blog City: Adult stress relief coloring books. Have you tried this or do you do other forms of art work? Do they calm and comfort you? Yes, I use adult colouring books! I have been into colouring for a long time, way before it became a big craze and part of the whole mindfulness trend. Back then I did not know colouring books aimed at adults existed, but that was okay because I was not averse to using ones aimed at children! It's through work that I discovered there are colouring books for adults too, because we have some there for patients to do and we also print off sheets from the internet. They are good for people in mental distress because they are relatively simple to do and do not require a huge amount of concentration or effort, yet they can distract people enough to take them away from their troubles for a while. Colouring has been great for me when I have been too stressed, depressed and/or anxious to focus on reading or writing as it has given me something to do to fill my time. I am not naturally artistic and can't draw (that well) or paint (at all), but I am creative and colouring gives me a way to express and explore my inner artist without me getting all depressed about my lack of skill! I have also recently become interested in mindfulness and am beginning to explore that a bit, and I think colouring is a good example of a mindful activity. Anyway, I thought I'd share some of my favourite "masterpieces"!      Like I said, I'm not an artist, but I don't think these are too shabby! My favourite is the Autumnal scene, with the toadstools, though unfortunately the colours have become a bit washed out in the photo. I also like the leaves in the owl picture. I think I'm quite good at colouring autumn leaves. Otherwise I'm not too good, but at least I have fun! |
| Since my last blog entry I have come on in leaps and bounds at work! Seriously, I'm like a completely different person. I have a new-found confidence that I like. A lot! A couple of days after I posted that entry I had a really good think about what I could do to feel better about work and I created an action plan of things I can do to help myself. This includes short, medium and long-term goals. My most important and effective short-term goal is, "learn to pause and take a deep breath when faced with a stressful situation" and this has made a world of difference to me. I no longer feel frazzled and out of my depth. That one small thing has enabled me to feel more in control because it allows me to think more clearly. I no longer get brain-freeze and then say or act in a knee-jerk kind of way, which is what I was doing before, because I allow myself a few seconds to think now. My most important medium-term goal is to attend the restraint and breakaway training. I think this will help me to feel safer on the ward, but my new confidence is helping a lot with that anyway! Still, it will be good when I am trained in those areas. My most important long-term goal is to complete a counselling skills course, as I feel this will really help me in my 1:1 interactions with people, but I am even feeling better about that area now as well! I think the confidence has come from a range of things. As I've been allowing myself more thinking time, I have been feeling less pressured. So when I came across a lady crying in her room I didn't go and get a colleague. I didn't shy away. I asked her if I could go in and she said yes. Then I sat with her and we talked. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was missing her husband, who died some time ago. I asked her some questions about him and what had triggered her distress that evening and she told me. I asked her if it would help to talk about him, or if it might help to try and do something to distract herself instead. She didn't know, so I took the lead. I talked with her a bit more about her husband and some other things that are causing her distress, and then I moved the topic onto more general things. As she started to calm down I suggested she come to the communal area of the ward to get a drink and she agreed to. So I accompanied her to the communal area and sat with her for a while longer. Another service-user came and sat with us too and we all talked a bit. After a while she seemed much better and I felt able to leave her. When I checked back a bit later she was laughing and talking with other people. So yay! I felt like I handled the situation really well and that gave me such a boost. That made me realise that I am not as bad at talking to people as I thought I was. And today, this same lady was distressed again, and I accompanied a nurse to go and talk with her. I was so, so pleased that this nurse said a lot of the things that I had said, because it was confirmation that I handled the interaction well. If I am saying the same things that a qualified mental health nurse says then I am doing a good job! Since then I have had more successful 1:1 interactions with other people. I am better at talking with female patients but I have had more experience dealing with female service-users, so I'm not too worried. Plus next month I'll be moving back to the female ward (and the mixed ward will become a male ward). There are two people who really seem to like me and respond well to me. One of them frequently asks to speak to me, and also checks when I am next on shift and seems happy if it is going to be soon. The other lady is very withdrawn and seems to get overlooked by other staff. I think this is where my strength lies -- with the people who have quieter, less demanding personalities. I think my quiet, gentle nature is more appealing to these people than perhaps the more outgoing and bubbly natures of other staff, so I'm glad I am there for them! And... I no longer get scared or care much when people shout at me or are getting worked up. It happens in this line of work. Today a lady came and shouted at me because she thought I had sent someone to her room to get something. It was actually a colleague who sent the person and it was a complete misunderstanding. I was able to very calmly and firmly explain what had happened and diffused the situation. She didn't apologise but she did stop shouting! And when another lady shouted at me the other day because her laundry hadn't been done, I was able to calmly and confidently say to her that her laundry is her responsibility, and not the responsibility of staff, and she accepted this with no more fuss. I also don't get scared now when I have to say "no" to people, for example, "no, I cannot facilitate a smoking break just now because I am busy. You will need to wait until a member of staff is free". Sometimes this kind of thing makes people very agitated but I feel like I can handle that now and have no trouble being firm. Also, I am feeling more confident when doing observations (checking on people every hour or several times an hour, depending on their needs) and even feel that I might be able to do some level 3 observations soon (this is where a patient needs a member of staff with them at all times). Before, observations caused me a lot of anxiety as I was worried about walking in on someone self-harming or attempting suicide. It still scares me a lot but I feel less scared than before and a bit more confident that I won't totally freak out if I'm faced with a difficult situation like that. And... I now answer the phone! I hate the phone! But I can answer it now. I rock! Seriously, I can't believe the change in me. I know I am going to face some difficult, scary, upsetting situations, but I think I will be okay.I know I'm not going to feel confident and competent all the time, but I know that I AM competent, and I can be confident. I also know that I have the most amazing team to support me. I love, love, love my colleagues. They are amazing. Everyone supports each other and looks out for each other. I am beginning to feel so relaxed and comfortable around these people. It is such a hard job. I often don't get a break and I am usually still there 20, 30, 40 or even 50 minutes after the end of my shift has ended, but I don't really mind (that much) because there is such an amazing team-spirit that I am just happy to be able to help out my colleagues with all the extra work. I come home and feel that I have worked hard, and now I'm also starting to feel that I am doing a good job. It feels so great I could cry! |
| I am SICK of having no confidence and feeling so inadequate, anxious and overwhelmed all the time. I have been in my job (in the inpatient mental health unit) for almost three months now and STILL feel completely out of my depth. And I hate that I can't hide my anxiety. I spend most of my work shifts wringing my hands and looking worried. If I don't know the answer to a patient's question I look like a rabbit caught in headlights. I get brain freeze. I ask my colleagues too many questions. I stand back and let other people do things when I know I should be giving it a go, but I just feel too afraid. I can't seem to remember anything. It's so frustrating because I so badly want to be good at this job, but I just can't seem to get used to it. I am scared about what could happen, what I could see and what I could get wrong. I am trying so, so hard but feel like I am getting nowhere and that is making me feel really depressed. I also get tongue-tied around distressed people, which makes me feel rather distressed myself. I want to be able help others but I am too shy and awkward. I think I make people uncomfortable, which is the last thing I want to do. If anyone reading this has any tips on how to be more confident and/or less awkward please, please let me know. |
| I have not yet written a proper tribute to my beloved dog, Jade, because I don't feel ready to, but I am missing her so, so much. I did not realise just how much of a comfort her presence was to me. I know that her death is a big contributing factor to my current mental health breakdown and I am finding it so much harder than usual to pull myself out of this hell because I do not have Jade to focus on. Previously I would have to hold things together (to a certain extent) for her. I couldn't stay in bed all day, because she needed my attention. I would have to get showered and dressed, because she needed a walk. And I wouldn't feel as desperate to find help and comfort from others, because my dog was there to hug and play with and talk to and care for. Recently I have been feeling so unsafe and I think a huge part of that is because Jade is not here anymore. My home does not feel right without her. I hate coming back when she is not here to greet me. For fifteen years I have always come home to be greeted by my beautiful dog. Even when she was old and stiff she would haul herself out of her bed to come to me when I came in. I wish I could do the last fifteen years over again and cherish every moment with her. I took her for granted in her younger years, and now she is gone my heart hurts way too much. I just want to hug her and get the feelings of safety and comfort from that hug. I don't know if I will get another dog. Part of me wants to so much because dogs do bring a lot of comfort and joy, and I think it would be really good for me to have another living thing to focus on and care for, but it is complicated now that I am working. Also, even just thinking about it makes me feel guilty, even though rationally I know nobody could ever replace Jade. She was a HUGE part of my life for many, many years. I have noticed that since Jade died, I have been trying to seek safety and comfort from people a lot more than usual. I have been ringing the crisis line, trying to get help from the mental health team (though that's a waste of time!) and seeing my GP more often. I feel a bit pathetic really. But I just can't shake that feeling of being unsafe. And I am trying to find comfort in listening to music, hot water bottles, colouring books, watching television etc... but nothing works for long. I'd do anything to have my dog back... |
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