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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
  "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: What is your blogging style? In your response, consider the following questions: What is your process of writing a blog entry - do you plan it out in advance, or just start writing? Who is your ideal reader? How did your unique blogging style emerge? Has your blog changed over time?So, um, I was not very stoic today...  To give some background information... Well, wait. First, I got in a fight today. However, this was completely not my fault. I know this is unrelated to the prompt, but this is my blog so bear with me while I vent about this situation, or just skip down further.To give some background information, Kira's best friend has been living with us for several years. I'm fine with her living with us, but I've had an issue this year with her boyfriend. The issue started because my wife's friend, Lauren, wanted to go back and forth between my apartment and her boyfriend's apartment that he shares with a few other guys during the beginning of the pandemic. This was back in March when the state first locked down and you weren't allowed to do like anything non-essential. I told her she could not go between our place and Erik's place during the pandemic. Like, just no. Either go move in with him and see him all the time, or stay here and don't see him at all. I pay the bills so I feel like I'm fully within my right to say that. Well this really pissed Erik off because he felt like I was telling his girlfriend what she could or could not do. Since then, it has been nothing but problems. He's accused her of cheating on him with me, he's called me a faggot a bunch of times. And yes, I do see the irony in calling someone a faggot while simultaneously saying that hooked up with your girlfriend.  Regardless, I've been growing increasingly weary of this situation. They've been breaking up then getting back together at least a couple times a month this year. He and I have almost gotten into multiple fights. Basically, this whole thing has just been building up for months. This morning I was working in my bedroom and I was on a conference call when Lauren dipped her head in the room and told me that she and Erik were fighting again and he wanted to come pick up some of his belongings that he claimed she had in her possession. I kind of waved her off like whatever because I'm in a meeting. An hour later I was in the kitchen making lunch and Erik shows up. He's super agitated right off the bat because he and his girlfriend are fighting. Now, I have no intention of fighting or getting involved in any way. But then he walks into my apartment and goes over to where Lauren is standing and he's like, "Move, cunt." I'm not one of those people who is offended by words. I think you give them power and they become offensive. But this still really pissed me off because it's like you burst into my apartment during my lunch break and start calling people names and acting aggressive. Just, no. So I walked over and I was like, "Yo, you're not gonna come into my fucking apartment calling people names. Get your shit and get the fuck out. Now." He didn't say anything at all. He just turned away like he was going to get his stuff, so I'm like okay cool, and I turn to walk away too. But as I'm turning away, I see in my peripheral vision that he's swinging on me. I kind of dodged out of the way so he hit like the back of my neck/shoulder, but he was trying to sucker punch me in the back of the head. Like wtf. In my own house?? Even though I wasn't hurt, I got furiously angry that he tried to do this. I knocked him to the ground and started dragging him toward my apartment door to kick him out. As I'm doing this, Kira and Lauren start screaming, like seriously screaming like I'm murdering him or something. I wasn't even hurting him. So I get to the front door of my apartment and I swing it open to throw him out and when I did that, my neighbor across the hall opened her door too. She's a single mom with a little kid, he's maybe like 8 or something. And she looks at me and screams, "Stop! Stop it! I'm calling the police!!" Me and this guy were both like, "Noo, don't. Everything's fine." He was like, "I'm leaving, I'm leaving" and just kinda took off. Then I'm standing there with my angry neighbor and both girls in the apartment behind me in varying states of panic. I've only met my neighbor once since June and it was when she was with her kid and he showed me his little dinosaur toy in the hallway. I just felt bad about the whole situation. She was obviously pissed off and said she shouldn't have to deal with my bullshit in the middle of the day, and I was just like, "Yeah, I know, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again." She just went back inside and basically slammed the door. I went back into my apartment and Lauren was like hysterically crying even though nothing happened and no one was hurt. I told her she has to either leave this dude for good or move tf out because I'm not doing this anymore. It's complete bullshit to have to literally drag someone out of my apartment in the middle of my work day because they're getting violent for no reason. Now everyone's super annoyed with me and not really talking to me. Kira said that I always have to escalate every situation by losing my temper. She must have talked to Logan because he messaged me later and said that I always give people the reaction that they're looking for and like that if someone wants to provoke me I'm easily provoked. I don't get it. I thought I showed a ton of self-restraint in the situation. Someone swung at me from behind in my own house and I didn't like go ham on him or anything. I definitely lost my temper, but I'm pretty sure almost every person would have done the same. They told me that because I mostly dodged out of the way I could have just told him to leave and said I'd call the police if he didn't. But that didn't really cross my mind in that exact second. I mean, it just isn't how I reacted. The frustrating part to me though is that I'm the only one who has anything to lose in the situation. I'm the only one whose life would get super derailed by getting arrested. Like, I'm the only one with a good job. He doesn't have to care because he works menial jobs that he quits after two months. So, I don't know. I'm trying to kind of decompress and think about how I could have handled it better, but at the same time I keep getting pissed all over again because I feel like I’m being treated as though I totally lost it, but I didn’t. Then I just start thinking that I might as well have hit him because then I’d at least feel a little better and people are going to be annoyed with me regardless. Blah, I need to sleep. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say except that I feel frustrated because instead of being on my side they just say I could have handled it better and that we were “both” in the wrong. We all know how much I love the “both sides” thing right now.  Alright, sorry, vent over. This is actually a good summary of my blog though. It’s like 50% upset rambling about my life and 50% answering prompts. My style started as vignettes during the first Soundtrackers challenge. Then it became more straightforward with me answering prompts and also acting like I’m writing in a personal journal that no one’s ever going to read. I don’t really have a blogging process. I just jump into writing and I clearly don’t edit my entries at all. That’s why I’ll get semi-incoherent at times. There are times where my entries are written exactly as I’d talk when telling a friend something that happened. I might get caught up in the situation because I’m upset. It probably isn’t optimal style-wise, but it’s mine. I hope it’s easy to follow more often than not, and on a day like today when I’m upset, I just have to let myself get things off my chest before I can pull myself together for the prompt. And speaking of prompts, they’re a starting point. I’ll answer every prompt in my entry, but it’s not like that’s the only thing that’s going on with me. Other things take precedence in my blog sometimes because they’re taking precedence in my mind. If a prompt doesn’t fit me or doesn’t fit a specific day, I’ll find a way to wrap around to it while still saying what I need to say that day. My ideal reader is definitely someone who has an open mind. I try to be sensitive, but I don’t live the most, um, palatable life? I certainly don’t try to be offensive at all, but if you have a tendency to be easily turned off by kind of gritty or darker stuff, I’d certainly not recommend my blog. There are a lot of things I don’t write about because I don’t want to worry people much or disturb them at all. That being said, I really appreciate and value perspectives that are different than mine. I don’t have a lot of very experienced/older people who I can talk to in real life when I’m lost or confused. I can’t go to my parents and ask for help because we don’t have that relationship. My grandmother was kind of my go-to person when I ran into an “adult” problem. I could always go to her and be like, “I think I messed up. Am I bad person?” She was always super honest, but she also had incredible emotional capacity. Just like a deep well of love and caring and compassion for other humans. Every time something happens now, good or bad, I wish I could tell her. When I got my job offer last winter, my first thought was, "Oh I can't wait to tell Grandma." I still do that five years later. I always wonder what she would think of me or what she would say to me. I try to imagine what advice she would give. It hurts so much to barely be able to remember her voice. But I find pieces of her out in the world now. My blog is one of those places where I've found human compassion and empathy. I've received messages from people I've never talked to before, telling me how they relate to what I've said or giving me honest advice that comes from a place of worry and caring. And I'm reminded that those traits my grandmother encompassed didn't die with her. There is still genuine love and caring in the world. It doesn't feel the same. It's not like someone shoveling endless love into the parts of me that are missing. But no matter how brief or in what capacity, it makes me think of her and fills me for a moment. That's why I blog the way that I do. That's why I overshare when I probably shouldn't or allow myself to dwell when I should just move on. By being vulnerable and open, I find new pieces that fill some of the empty spaces. Stoic Thought of the Day: "If I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.” -La Dispute |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about something you own that is weird, wacky, or downright silly. Where did you get it and what significance does it hold for you? Ah, well, I hate to be me but I’m not really a keeper of things. Do you remember when those minimalism books got popular a few years ago? There were a bunch of books about decluttering your life, tidying up, and throwing things out if they don’t “spark joy" or whatever. Anyway, I've been doing that pretty much forever. I think this is a habit from moving a lot and having little storage space. If I’m not using something, I don’t need to have it around taking up space. When I move sometimes I discover something I haven’t used in a year or two. I usually don’t even remember that I had it. In those situations, I get rid of whatever it is because what’s the point in having things around that I don’t even remember having? So as you can imagine, my space is pretty bare. The only things I keep that I don’t use a lot are my journals and important documents. I have a small bookshelf just with my favorite books and records on it because I’ve sold the rest. Other than that, all I have is my clothes, electronics, furniture, and dishes. I wish I could say that I have some wacky dishes, but it would be a lie. I have a matching dish set. I don’t collect anything. I have a lot of pens and notebooks but nothing of note. I don’t know if it’s from having OCD or not, but I wouldn’t bring something silly into my house. I know this because I’ve been forced to do those white elephant gift exchange things for family holidays and I’ve never brought home anything I was gifted. Last year I ended up with a cat book that just read “meow” like 7000 times. It was cute and silly, but when it came time to leave it’s not something I would bring with me. I ended up discreetly giving it to my niece because she got a kick out of it. To bring something silly like that into my house would be like asking me to go outside and bring a leaf into my house. Like... what am I supposed to do with it?  Maybe if I had a house with plenty of space for storage I would eventually get into the habit of keeping more things regardless of their usefulness. But I kind of doubt it because it doesn’t mesh with my personality I don’t think. Stoic Thought of the Day: " Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.” -Marcus Aurelius |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Tell us about the most memorable adventure you've ever been on. Did everything go according to plan, or did anything unexpected happen? Whaaat’s up? Anyone else super stoked to see VP Elect Kamala Harris strutting onto stage in all white as a nod to the suffragettes? Love to see it. We have a long way to go, but every step in the right direction is important. Maybe first woman president soon?  Adventures, hmm, I’ve had a few. It’s the memorable part that trips me up. I’m not known for my profound capacity to remember things, and even less so when thinking on little to no sleep. I actually started to do those very mild insomnia hallucinations today. You know like when you think you see movement out of the corner of your eye or whatever. I thought I saw my cat walk by and but he wasn’t there when I looked. Then I looked the other way and saw that he was asleep on the couch next to me. Minor shit, but definitely a heads up that I need to sleep soon. I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping because my pain levels are flared up really bad and then I’ve been checking in on the election results all week on top of that. I’m hoping I can actually sleep tonight like more than 30 minutes here or there. But also trying not to put too much pressure on myself to sleep otherwise it will never happen because I’ll psych myself out. Come on, brain. Think of an adventure. I guess I don’t see planned vacations as an adventure really. Like, it is and it isn’t. It’s maybe a slightly adventurous activity, but adventure to me implies some kind of hazard. My brothers and I used to do a lot of adventurous things as kids. We’d explore things without really knowing where we were or what we were doing. One such time we were on a family trip to a cabin in the middle of nowhere that had no electricity or anything. The goal was basically just to hang out and disconnect from life, I think. Anyway, us three boys wanted to go explore the area after lunch. Our mom gave us that whole motherly spiel like, “Don’t venture too far. Stay on the path.” My brothers, however, were Boy Scouts at the time and they were constantly trying to outdo one another and be the leader of the pack. We were walking along a path near the woods around the cabin and they started fighting over the compass because they both were eager to be the one to call which direction we should take. I’m significantly younger than my brothers so I was just following along behind them as they were fighting over the compass. The middle of the three of us got fed up and ended up just throwing the compass as far as he could into the woods because that makes total sense to resolve a fight. All of us instantly panicked because my parents had just gotten them the compass for scouts recently and they knew we’d be in trouble for losing it. We couldn’t just go back without it, so after a quick meeting they decided we had to go into the woods and find it. I was like 5 years old at the time so I just aimlessly wandered in behind them and pretended to look for it although I was pretty sure if anyone found it, it would be one of them. The farther we got into the thick of the woods, the less and less aware of our surroundings we became. After a good half hour or so of walking around staring at the ground, the three of us reconvened. They decided we should just go back and not mention the compass. Then they’d just say it must’ve gotten lost somewhere along the way if and only if our parents brought it up. Decision made. Cool. Except I then saw their facial expressions as they began to take in our surroundings. We were in the middle of a ton of tall trees, brush, and brambles. I could feel my throat kind of tighten up because I knew that none of us knew where we were. These woods weren’t like the ones on our property at home. We weren’t familiar with them at all. This was also at the peak of summer heat, like the beginning of August. We had a little canteen of water, a Swiss army pocketknife, and no compass. After arguing about whose fault this was, my oldest brother got the brilliant idea to just walk in a straight line. “We’re bound to find our way out if we just walk in one direction for long enough.” And long enough we did walk. It felt like hours and hours to me. As the little brother, I was being exceptionally whiny. “I’m hot. My feet hurt. I’m scared.” You know, the works. To his credit though, the brilliant plan did work. After what felt like 4 hours, we found a clearing in the woods that led us to the gravel road which went to the cabin. The only problem was that the spot where we came out was like 2 or 3 miles from the cabin. If I remember correctly, I ended up just lying down in the middle of the road and crying because I couldn’t walk anymore. So then my brothers had to alternate carrying me on their backs the rest of the way to the cabin. The craziest part is that my parents had no idea. Again, I was like 5 years old so my time perception was probably off. It was maybe like 2 hours rather than the 5 hours it felt like. But regardless, our mom just glanced at us over the top of her book and was like, “Hey boys.” No fucks given. Stoic Thought of the Day: "There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.” -Seneca |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: It's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Describe something that you think is beautiful or attractive that someone else might consider unattractive or ugly. This prompt was made for me because, for better or for worse, I’m into some fairly unattractive human characteristics. Don’t worry, it’s just the trauma that bleeds over into my personal tastes so that I can’t properly tell the two apart. How much shall I overshare today? I’m into... well-earned arrogance. I love when someone knows a topic extremely well and they keep stepping over the line into arrogance when they talk about the topic. Person to me: Wow, he’s just full of himself today, isn’t he? Me, watching intently: Yeah, it’s super hot, isn’t it? Person to me: ?????? a mean streak. I hate when people are mean to each other. Like, I can't watch someone get bullied. But when it comes to myself, I like a touch of cruelty. Nothing absurd. Just an unexpected comment here, a condescending tone there. You know, normal shit. instability. I have mental illnesses and almost everyone I’ve been into is also less than perfectly stable. I know it sounds like I’m into drama by saying this, but I’m not. I’m into intensity. And there’s nothing more intense than two moderately emotionally unstable people who simultaneously love and hate each other. I like not knowing if someone is about to hit me or kiss me. It’s passionate. self-centered nostalgia. To end this on a lighter note, I love nothing more than just sitting and listening to someone’s stories. Others think it’s a bit narcissistic when someone talks forever about their life without asking about the other person. I’ll listen to someone monologue all night, and I have many times. Stories from their high school days, childhood stories, old jobs and people they knew. Good stories, bad memories. I don’t care either way. The more detailed and long-winded the better. It’s a nice reminder that other people exist and have lived lives before you that were just as full as yours. That’s enough for today, I think. Although looking back through my list, I can see why my relationships are usually toxic af. Oh to escape abuse and seek it elsewhere. I’m totally fine, I swear.  Stoic Thought of the Day: "The obstacle in the path becomes the path." -Ryan Holiday |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Would you ever take a trip to a place "off the grid?" Where would you go? After the week I've had, I would gladly go off the grid for a while. I've been so stressed out/anxious this week that every possible chronic pain issue I have is at maximum flare up. I know people are like, "Oh, just forget about it. Just ignore it." But, like, it's highkey kind of difficult to ignore the president of your country trying to de-legitimize your voting process only in places where he's losing. Stop counting where I'm winning. Keep counting where I'm losing. It goes beyond a "sides" thing. I would never, regardless of party affiliation, defend a candidate screaming voter fraud only in places where they're losing with absolutely no evidence to support the claim whatsoever. It is disturbing. If our country had any soul left, we would all agree that mail in and absentee ballots are not "illegal" votes. We would all agree that every person's vote matters. What happened to the country that adults told me to be patriotic about as a child? The country that was presented to me then would never stand by a presidential candidate calling on his supporters to reject our democracy. Trump supporters can feel free to take their U.S. flags down any time now because they're just about as anti-American as I can imagine. I know this isn’t what I’m supposed to be writing about. It’s hard because I’m not sleeping (even before the election), my pain level is like a 7 on the pain scale most of the time, and I’m desperately trying to reconcile between what I was told this country was and what it has actually turned out to be. I just want to be able to make sense of things. But I swear, as soon as the election results are finalized and the loser and his supporters take the L and move on, I’ll at least try to mentally get off the grid. I’ll try to check out from the news and everything related to it for a while. It’s tough with the pandemic. It’s funny because I had people tell me that covid would magically disappear after November 3rd. Woke up bright and early this morning to the news: “Over 100K new covid cases in the U.S. for the first time ever yesterday.” Along with a map of pretty much the entire country in dark orange and red territory. New record cases in my state too. I’m not trying to control things that are out of my control. I’m just in the process of learning to accept them for what they are. There’s a difference, I think. And also, some things no matter how out of your control shouldn’t simply be accepted. There’s a thin line there too. It will be nice, hopefully in the near future, when the news is boring again and you’re like, “How is that news? Must not be much going on today.” I’m looking forward to not having to hear, “Did you see what the president said on Twitter?” sixteen times a week. Just being able to check out mentally from all of that is about as off the grid as I can imagine for the time being. Though as I’ve mentioned before in my blog, I’d love to visit the countryside of Italy after the pandemic. My in-laws go every summer and actually intended to take me along this summer as a graduation gift until the virus ravaged everything. But I hope there will be future opportunities to go off the grid there with a good book and a glass of water because that’s all I really want right now.  I just want peace of mind and I think we all desperately need that after this year. Stoic Thought of the Day: "The soul does violence to itself when it is overpowered by pleasure or by pain." -Marcus Aurelius |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Imagine the year is 2030. Write about what has happened in your life over the last decade in the past tense. Oh yikes. I'm not super great at creativity right now. I'm trying to live from one minute to the next. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, let alone what's going to happen in the whole decade before 2030. It doesn't help that I haven't slept literally at all. After I post this I'll try to get some rest. Stressful week for a lot of us. I was actually stress eating earlier which I never do. I had a salad and cold pasta for dinner. Then I had a smoothie. Then I had some pretzels, some berries, a piece of toast, a cup of tea... Hopefully I'll curb that or my 2030 reflection will be like, "Well, I used to do be pretty thin but then 2020 broke me." Why do I have a feeling that everyone's reflection of the past decade will read like a traumatic war story? "It all started in the year 2020..." Thousand yard stares all around. Now I'm just picturing myself all decrepit on a rickety old porch, rocking back and forth in a chair that doesn't rock, clutching a roll of toilet paper. That sounds about right given the pace of things. I will be nearing 40 by that point. Here's what I hope I can say I've accomplished in 2030: - I found the perfect career path for myself that was both personally and financially satisfying. - I got back into creative writing and wrote regularly- maybe even a novel? - I figured out where I wanted to live and bought the cutest house ever. - My doctors were able to find the perfect treatment plan for my mental health + physical health issues - no more pain! - We found discovered an effective vaccine for COVID and we've been able to not worry about it for many years because everyone agreed to take it and still practice some basic hygiene efforts. - Our democracy didn't totally fall apart and we got much more united as a country after the 2020 election. These are all reasonable things to hope for in 2030, right? Not totally unrealistic either. I mean, we'll see, but I'll be chill if 4 out of 6 of these things can happen. Fingers crossed!  Stoic Thought of the Day: “Man conquers the world by conquering himself.”-Zeno of Citium |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Details, details, details... Pick something in your view and describe it in as precise detail as possible without naming what the object is. See if you can get your readers to guess what object you're describing. Well, let’s see... I’m looking at something that is rectangular and shape. It has thin matte black edges and the center has every color you could imagine. It’s sitting on top of a flat surface about 8-10 feet away from me. It makes a lot of sounds sometimes, but other times it’s completely silent for hours or days at a time. It’s actually quite large, say, 50 inches diagonally? Sometimes it delights and excites, other times... it stresses and depresses. Have you guessed yet what I’m looking at? You probably did from the first sentence. Let’s take it a step further! Can you guess what feelings it’s eliciting tonight? I can’t even put into words how disappointed I am in my country right now. The fact that the election results are even this close is baffling. I feel like I’m being gaslighted. What am I not seeing that makes Trump a good president? Can literally anyone tell me?? In 4 years, I have not had one reasonable explanation from a Trump supporter. I don’t want to rant about this. Trying to stay positive and be patient as all the votes are counted. I will absolutely never forgive Trump supporters if he wins this election though. I gave people a pass in 2016 because I’m an empathetic and understanding person. I thought, well, maybe they didn’t realize that it would be this bad. The fact that we’ve had 4 years of bad after bad after bad only to see Trump getting this many votes is absolutely baffling. So, I actually did write a whole rant here and then I deleted it. To be clear, I didn’t delete it for fear of hurting Trump supporters’ feelings. I deleted it because it’s a waste of words and feelings. No one’s mind was ever getting changed in my blog in the first place. The votes have already been cast and there’s nothing that will change that. Instead I’ll say that, regardless of how this vote turns out, I hope you’re comfortable for the next four years with your voting choice. Our country is more divided than any other time in modern history. If you voted to re-elect the candidate who has made every effort to drive a further wedge between our country’s citizens, I hope you enjoy the divisiveness. For my part, I’ll just assume that you’re comfortable with anything Trump says and does since you’ve had 4 years to work out what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with. If I get sick because someone with a MAGA hat and no mask coughed on me in the grocery store, I’ll assume that’s what you wanted to happen. When Trump once again refuses to even make a small attempt to unite the country rather than “troll the liberals”, I’ll assume that you specifically want that. When Trump says something racist or sexist, I’ll assume that’s what you want. When Trump threatens democracy, I’ll assume that’s the kind of thing you’re into. Expect your communication with me to reflect that. Just to be clear, I’m not even really angry that the race is this close. I’m mostly just done with the entire thing. I’m done extending the proverbial olive branch to people in an attempt to narrow the gap in the divisiveness. If you don’t care about our country, why should I care about reaching out or maintaining communication with you? Oh, and by the way, the thing I’m looking at is the TV. Stoic Thought of the Day: “How satisfying it is to dismiss and block out any upsetting or foreign impression, and immediately to have peace in all things.”-Marcus Aurelius |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about a time when you were "thrown in the deep end." This can be taken literally or figuratively. I got my CT scan results back, for those keeping up with that. I apparently have a TMJ dysfunction. The jaw joint is messed up from clenching my jaw all the time. Wonder why I do subconsciously do that? Could it be all the anxiety and stress? No way. So anyway, I'm going to see a TMJ specialist to get a second opinion on treatment, but I'm probably going to have to wait until January because it's extremely expensive and with health insurance deductibles, it's better to do these things at the beginning of the year than at the very end of the year. In the meantime, I'm going to get back on my anxiety meds to try to control that a little bit and get a nightguard to wear while I'm sleeping to stop some of the grinding/clenching hopefully. Kind of annoying because I was convinced they wouldn't find anything wrong in the test results based on what the pain specialist said when I met with him. Alright, enough about that. Just wanted to update. In other news... ugh, my anxiety is HORRIBLE. I'm holding so much tension in my shoulders. I don't want to watch the election results at all, but Kira is like, "We have to!" I'm sure I lack the self-control to stay away anyway. Being thrown into the deep end. Well, in a pool this was never an issue for me. I'm not going the strongest swimmer but I managed to stay afloat. I can think of 3 specific times where I was thrown into the metaphorical deep end: 1. Leaving my parents' house I got kicked out at 16 and that was a pretty big 'sink or swim' situation. I also grew up in the middle of nowhere, so I didn't even have much in the way of street smarts to navigate life in the city. I fared okay at the end of the day. In those kinds of situations, I've found that you learn really quickly. You're kind of like living in a pinball machine though. You're simultaneously the ball bouncing off of everything and the person operating the plunger so that you don't die or whatever. You just end up being very quick with things because you don't have any other choice. Also, I think almost everyone has the strength to do these things. When you have no other options, you really learn how capable and strong you can be. 2. Starting college After dropping out of high school and taking a (7 year) gap year, I had no idea what to expect going into university. I had no idea if I even had the capacity to be a strong student, to study hard and not quit when it got difficult. I wasn't sure the entire first year. I was navigating all sorts of new situations with new people. I didn't really understand how to take notes or how to communicate in that type of environment. I managed this situation by staying quiet and observing others. When someone told me what they'd done to study or let me look at their notes, I filed it away in my brain for future exams. My learning and studying style ended up being a mishmash of other people's styles. Then with time, I developed my own notetaking and studying skills that worked specifically for me. 3. Post-grad job Most recently, I've been dumped in ice water with my first post-grad job. It's so much different than being given lectures and retaining that information in an organized way for exams. Every day is different. There are always one-off scenarios that you've never experienced before. Even after 10 months, I'm still rarely fully confident in what I'm doing. I still make mistakes. I encounter new problems that I need to figure out how to solve and there is nothing you can google or look up in a textbook that will help. I'm handling this by owning up to my mistakes, leaning on my coworkers' historical company knowledge, and challenging myself to take on the things that scare me. If there are a handful of tasks that need to be completed by my team, I'll volunteer myself for whichever task that I'm least experienced in. Sometimes you get thrown in the deep end; sometimes you throw yourself in the deep end. "Be afraid and do it anyway" as they say. Stoic Thought of the Day: “A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.”-Seneca |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about something you collect. If you don't collect anything, write about the collection of a friend or family member. I’m feeling very on edge today. It’s times like these that I wish I was more easily distracted by random lighthearted conversation or prompts. But I’m not. It feels too near to avoidance for my brain to accept. Between the election tomorrow and the pandemic raging, I can’t get past the dark cloud, this vague “bad feeling” that is consuming me. I keep telling myself, “It’s out of your control; let go.” It’s much more difficult in practice. The energy in the country right now reminds me of my childhood home. Just this oppressive, insidious energy that snakes its way around your body and constricts, constricts, constricts. I’m on this crazy sleep pattern where I’m sleeping 2 or 3 hours at night and then another 1 or 2 hours in the late afternoon. If I’m asleep long enough to hit REM sleep, I’m having nightmares, which is pretty usual for me. I just usually sleep more so I’m less tired in general. I’ve been watching businesses around the city board up their windows in preparation for election results and potential civil unrest. I’ve been seeing the Trump caravans shutting down interstates ahead of the election. I wish the best for everyone, regardless of the outcome. When you wish negative things on others, those negative things might come back to you twofold. Hopefully everyone else has enough sanity left in their tank to do the right things and attempt to stop the divisiveness. I’ve been the bigger person more times than I can count. It wears on you, but it’s not like you can rely on anyone but yourself to take the high road. As far as collecting things goes, I could lie and say I collect stamps or coins or something. The truth is that clutter around me clutters my mind. If I don’t need it, there’s no point in collecting it. One non-physical thing I kind of collect is lines that I like. Quotes, lyrics, movie lines, etc. Things that might spark my creativity if I want to write. Mantras that help me get through times like these. I’m featuring my favorite stoic quotes at the end of my blog entries this month because they’re helping me to cope this year. I thought this quote was apt for today’s entry. I’ve used this quote to examine myself and others during the pandemic and election process. I’ve caught myself absorbing other people’s anger that I don’t want or deserve. I’ve witnessed people enraged about things that have no basis in reality simply because they’ve listened to a politician or they’ve listened to opinions within an echo chamber. I can’t control what other people choose to do. All I can control is my reaction to those people and my own sources of positivity/negativity. I’m careful about how I absorb information and where I look for it. One person’s word means nothing to me. One site, one media station, one friend... it goes in one ear and out the other. If others adopted the practice of objectively taking in and analyzing information from multiple sources with different perspectives before drawing conclusions, we would all be much less divided. I choose to keep myself fully informed, even if others don’t. When I find myself feeling angry, I ask myself why I’m angry. What information am I working with? Where did I find that information? Who did I talk to? What do I know about the people I talked to? What other research have I done on the topic? What other analyses have I relied on? Here is the conclusion I’ve drawn: If you always, without fail, find yourself agreeing with one “side” on every single issue, every news story, every conversation, and every event, you might need to look a bit more introspectively at what you’re doing to form your own thoughts instead of absorbing other people’s thoughts. If you cannot find fault within your “side” in any way, ever, you’ve almost certainly sabotaged yourself by adopting the negative energy of others and raising it as your own. This is why I think collecting quotes is a good thing. It allows me to calmly reflect on things and draw conclusions that are really common sense. It’s underrated, especially this year. I’ve found myself concluding things with hatred in my heart because I don’t want to allow myself to be open to something that I consider wholly bad. But if we can’t learn to pick and choose our battles and form our own thoughts, we aren’t ever going to be able to make the peace that we desperately need. It feels wrong to “give in” to certain types of people, but at the end of the day, it’s about letting go of the negative things we can’t control so that we can build on the positive things we can control. Of course, there are things that aren’t up for debate. Science isn’t up to your personal opinion. You don't have rights to get others sick during a pandemic by refusing to cooperate with basic hygiene and mitigation efforts in public spaces. You can't hate other humans based on their skin color, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, etc. These things simply aren't up for debate because my personal convictions don't allow me to fraternize with people who are evil for the sake of being evil. There are those very easy situations where someone just lets you know straight up like, "I don't think women should be treated with human decency because they're women and I also don't think gay people should have basic human rights." Then you can just be like, "Oh cool, you're dismissed from my life forever." But outside of those situations, I think almost everyone can find common ground if they just listen to their heart and their conscience. If you're religious, you likely have an actual guide to help you. Otherwise, you can just not be a hateful person. Either works. I'm often surprised to hear religious people say extremely hateful things. I know they didn't read those things in their scriptures. A lot of hate has come from religion, but it's typically not from the scripture itself. I think a lot of religious people haven't gone in raw on their own beliefs by reading their religious texts. Instead they were preached to through some kind of negative interpretation of the religious text and the followers just shrugged like, "Sure, why not." Which also fits this quote like a glove. Examine yourself. Rethink your beliefs, more than once, do it continuously. Develop basic empathy and compassion for other humans. Listen more than you talk. It's not going to happen over night or even in the next several weeks or months, but we're ready to go through a time of healing. We need to find peace amongst ourselves. Think about who benefits from us hating each other. Stop believing everything that you hear any one person say. Don't bother thinking or talking about a news headline unless you've read the accompanying article and crosschecked the story with at least 5 different sources from a variety of news outlets. It's a lot like when you were 12 years old and you were taught to never draw conclusions in a paper without having multiple valid sources cited to back up your claims. Just pretend like every single thing you say is going to get meticulously fact checked by your middle school English teacher. Stoic Thought of the Day: “Other people's views and troubles can be contagious. Don't sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others.”-Epictetus |
| "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about something you want. Pick something that you don’t necessarily need, but would make you happy simply to have. Hey there. Happy Halloween night.   We spent the evening watching horror movies and having a few drinks, which I've heard is the adult version of trick-or-treating and eating candy. Kira maybe had one too many because she fell asleep halfway through the last movie. There are so few things we actually need that almost everything qualifies for this prompt. I think of things we need as things we will certainly die without... water, sleep, food. I want the pandemic to be over. I want the election to be over. Those are two things most people could agree on right now. They’re not quite needs yet, but they’re very strong wants. This time period is very stressful, and no matter how much you try to just focus on what you can control, there is still worry there. I know people who aren’t even from the US who will be watching our election with bated breath because no one knows what will happen. As far as material wishes though, I don’t have many. I have shelter and all the basic creature comforts I need. I’m not one for shopping much so I don’t think a lot about the things I could potentially buy. Often when I do want something, I talk myself out of buying it because it’s not really necessary to have. But when I do buy things, I go pretty big. We all have our vices; mine is electronics. Every few years I refresh my tech lineup with a new computer, tablet, and smart watch. Usually not in the same year, but all of them are $500+ and it’s my little moment of splurging, I guess. This year was a new tablet that I got last week. I use my tablet for writing, drawing, bullet journaling, and some gaming. I’m using my old tablet for work now which is nice to have for notes because I lose any paper notes almost instantly. I guess because I just got that, I don’t have my eyes set on anything new at the moment. Next year I’ll be ready for a new smart watch though.  Stoic Thought of the Day: "Contentment comes not so much from great wealth as from few wants.” -Epictetus |
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