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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
  "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: What is your blogging style? In your response, consider the following questions: What is your process of writing a blog entry - do you plan it out in advance, or just start writing? Who is your ideal reader? How did your unique blogging style emerge? Has your blog changed over time?So, um, I was not very stoic today...  To give some background information... Well, wait. First, I got in a fight today. However, this was completely not my fault. I know this is unrelated to the prompt, but this is my blog so bear with me while I vent about this situation, or just skip down further.To give some background information, Kira's best friend has been living with us for several years. I'm fine with her living with us, but I've had an issue this year with her boyfriend. The issue started because my wife's friend, Lauren, wanted to go back and forth between my apartment and her boyfriend's apartment that he shares with a few other guys during the beginning of the pandemic. This was back in March when the state first locked down and you weren't allowed to do like anything non-essential. I told her she could not go between our place and Erik's place during the pandemic. Like, just no. Either go move in with him and see him all the time, or stay here and don't see him at all. I pay the bills so I feel like I'm fully within my right to say that. Well this really pissed Erik off because he felt like I was telling his girlfriend what she could or could not do. Since then, it has been nothing but problems. He's accused her of cheating on him with me, he's called me a faggot a bunch of times. And yes, I do see the irony in calling someone a faggot while simultaneously saying that hooked up with your girlfriend.  Regardless, I've been growing increasingly weary of this situation. They've been breaking up then getting back together at least a couple times a month this year. He and I have almost gotten into multiple fights. Basically, this whole thing has just been building up for months. This morning I was working in my bedroom and I was on a conference call when Lauren dipped her head in the room and told me that she and Erik were fighting again and he wanted to come pick up some of his belongings that he claimed she had in her possession. I kind of waved her off like whatever because I'm in a meeting. An hour later I was in the kitchen making lunch and Erik shows up. He's super agitated right off the bat because he and his girlfriend are fighting. Now, I have no intention of fighting or getting involved in any way. But then he walks into my apartment and goes over to where Lauren is standing and he's like, "Move, cunt." I'm not one of those people who is offended by words. I think you give them power and they become offensive. But this still really pissed me off because it's like you burst into my apartment during my lunch break and start calling people names and acting aggressive. Just, no. So I walked over and I was like, "Yo, you're not gonna come into my fucking apartment calling people names. Get your shit and get the fuck out. Now." He didn't say anything at all. He just turned away like he was going to get his stuff, so I'm like okay cool, and I turn to walk away too. But as I'm turning away, I see in my peripheral vision that he's swinging on me. I kind of dodged out of the way so he hit like the back of my neck/shoulder, but he was trying to sucker punch me in the back of the head. Like wtf. In my own house?? Even though I wasn't hurt, I got furiously angry that he tried to do this. I knocked him to the ground and started dragging him toward my apartment door to kick him out. As I'm doing this, Kira and Lauren start screaming, like seriously screaming like I'm murdering him or something. I wasn't even hurting him. So I get to the front door of my apartment and I swing it open to throw him out and when I did that, my neighbor across the hall opened her door too. She's a single mom with a little kid, he's maybe like 8 or something. And she looks at me and screams, "Stop! Stop it! I'm calling the police!!" Me and this guy were both like, "Noo, don't. Everything's fine." He was like, "I'm leaving, I'm leaving" and just kinda took off. Then I'm standing there with my angry neighbor and both girls in the apartment behind me in varying states of panic. I've only met my neighbor once since June and it was when she was with her kid and he showed me his little dinosaur toy in the hallway. I just felt bad about the whole situation. She was obviously pissed off and said she shouldn't have to deal with my bullshit in the middle of the day, and I was just like, "Yeah, I know, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again." She just went back inside and basically slammed the door. I went back into my apartment and Lauren was like hysterically crying even though nothing happened and no one was hurt. I told her she has to either leave this dude for good or move tf out because I'm not doing this anymore. It's complete bullshit to have to literally drag someone out of my apartment in the middle of my work day because they're getting violent for no reason. Now everyone's super annoyed with me and not really talking to me. Kira said that I always have to escalate every situation by losing my temper. She must have talked to Logan because he messaged me later and said that I always give people the reaction that they're looking for and like that if someone wants to provoke me I'm easily provoked. I don't get it. I thought I showed a ton of self-restraint in the situation. Someone swung at me from behind in my own house and I didn't like go ham on him or anything. I definitely lost my temper, but I'm pretty sure almost every person would have done the same. They told me that because I mostly dodged out of the way I could have just told him to leave and said I'd call the police if he didn't. But that didn't really cross my mind in that exact second. I mean, it just isn't how I reacted. The frustrating part to me though is that I'm the only one who has anything to lose in the situation. I'm the only one whose life would get super derailed by getting arrested. Like, I'm the only one with a good job. He doesn't have to care because he works menial jobs that he quits after two months. So, I don't know. I'm trying to kind of decompress and think about how I could have handled it better, but at the same time I keep getting pissed all over again because I feel like I’m being treated as though I totally lost it, but I didn’t. Then I just start thinking that I might as well have hit him because then I’d at least feel a little better and people are going to be annoyed with me regardless. Blah, I need to sleep. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say except that I feel frustrated because instead of being on my side they just say I could have handled it better and that we were “both” in the wrong. We all know how much I love the “both sides” thing right now.  Alright, sorry, vent over. This is actually a good summary of my blog though. It’s like 50% upset rambling about my life and 50% answering prompts. My style started as vignettes during the first Soundtrackers challenge. Then it became more straightforward with me answering prompts and also acting like I’m writing in a personal journal that no one’s ever going to read. I don’t really have a blogging process. I just jump into writing and I clearly don’t edit my entries at all. That’s why I’ll get semi-incoherent at times. There are times where my entries are written exactly as I’d talk when telling a friend something that happened. I might get caught up in the situation because I’m upset. It probably isn’t optimal style-wise, but it’s mine. I hope it’s easy to follow more often than not, and on a day like today when I’m upset, I just have to let myself get things off my chest before I can pull myself together for the prompt. And speaking of prompts, they’re a starting point. I’ll answer every prompt in my entry, but it’s not like that’s the only thing that’s going on with me. Other things take precedence in my blog sometimes because they’re taking precedence in my mind. If a prompt doesn’t fit me or doesn’t fit a specific day, I’ll find a way to wrap around to it while still saying what I need to say that day. My ideal reader is definitely someone who has an open mind. I try to be sensitive, but I don’t live the most, um, palatable life? I certainly don’t try to be offensive at all, but if you have a tendency to be easily turned off by kind of gritty or darker stuff, I’d certainly not recommend my blog. There are a lot of things I don’t write about because I don’t want to worry people much or disturb them at all. That being said, I really appreciate and value perspectives that are different than mine. I don’t have a lot of very experienced/older people who I can talk to in real life when I’m lost or confused. I can’t go to my parents and ask for help because we don’t have that relationship. My grandmother was kind of my go-to person when I ran into an “adult” problem. I could always go to her and be like, “I think I messed up. Am I bad person?” She was always super honest, but she also had incredible emotional capacity. Just like a deep well of love and caring and compassion for other humans. Every time something happens now, good or bad, I wish I could tell her. When I got my job offer last winter, my first thought was, "Oh I can't wait to tell Grandma." I still do that five years later. I always wonder what she would think of me or what she would say to me. I try to imagine what advice she would give. It hurts so much to barely be able to remember her voice. But I find pieces of her out in the world now. My blog is one of those places where I've found human compassion and empathy. I've received messages from people I've never talked to before, telling me how they relate to what I've said or giving me honest advice that comes from a place of worry and caring. And I'm reminded that those traits my grandmother encompassed didn't die with her. There is still genuine love and caring in the world. It doesn't feel the same. It's not like someone shoveling endless love into the parts of me that are missing. But no matter how brief or in what capacity, it makes me think of her and fills me for a moment. That's why I blog the way that I do. That's why I overshare when I probably shouldn't or allow myself to dwell when I should just move on. By being vulnerable and open, I find new pieces that fill some of the empty spaces. Stoic Thought of the Day: "If I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.” -La Dispute |
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