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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

November 12, 2020 at 12:02am

#998177

Dear Brain, stopppppp.

"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Imagine you are invited to a party celebrating your favorite book. The dress code asks you to dress up as your favorite character. Who or what do you dress up as?

Bleh.

I'm just crawling out of my skin today. I'm having a significant amount of trouble keeping up with the challenge at this point. When I drop out of 30DBC, it's almost always because my mental health is suddenly in a free fall and I have to give up everything except trying to stay, ya know, alive or whatever.

I'm trying to stay with it right now because I don't want to fully succumb to the episode I've fallen into. I'm trying to keep doing things outside of work like reading and writing my entries. I think it's important to have those things.

I don't get why my brain is the way it is. I was supposed to start taking new antidepressants last Thursday, but I haven't. I don't want to deal with the side effects on top of everything else I have going on. I told myself I would start them Monday night, but then all that drama happened and now I'm literally too depressed to take antidepressants. Is that irony?

It's not even about the fight. I mean, maybe that was the initial trigger, but I don't know. I actually saw the guy after work today. I didn't let him come up to the apartment, but I brought his things down for him so that Lauren wouldn't have to see him. It was mildly contentious at best worst.

He did apologize again, but then kind of ruined it by making a comment about how I have yet to apologize. I told him I have nothing to apologize for and he showed me that he has a couple bruises from me "freaking out for no reason." I just shrugged and asked if he had everything he needed. He said he did so I turned around and started walking back toward my apartment, but when I was walking away he said, "That's why nobody likes you, because you're PSYCHOOOO!"

There was no one around to even hear him. I didn't turn back around, I just went inside. I think it's fine if he gets the last word. Hopefully he's gone for good now.

I was happy with that resolved, but it didn't stop the spiral. I was having a bunch of intrusive thoughts and I kept having to do compulsions to try to get them to go away. I try really hard not to do compulsions in front of people because I feel like they get angry at me when I do. Not that I'm doing anything weird per se. I mean it is weird, but it's not like inappropriate. It's more like tapping, pacing, counting. I get physical tics, like twitching and shaking my head.

Kira and Lauren were in the kitchen cooking dinner so I was in the bedroom with the door shut just totally giving in to the compulsion because I wanted to try to calm down so I could eat. Kira walked in to ask me something about the food and caught me mid-compulsion which was really embarrassing for me. Especially because she immediately asked what I was doing. I said I was just cleaning up the bedroom. Then she launched into this big lecture about how I'm not supposed to be doing compulsions. I'm supposed to just let the intrusive thoughts come and go like the doctor said.

Of course Lauren overheard all of this because our place is tiny and she was like, "Oh no, is he doing compulsions again?" in like the saddest, most empathetic tone ever which infuriated me. I was already embarrassed, but as stupid as it sounds, my compulsion got interrupted so I had to start over and finish properly. I was extremely agitated and I didn't know how to say that I had to finish after denying that I was doing it at all.

So I just started screaming like, "Get out. Get the fuck out. Leave me the fuck alone" and I slammed the bedroom door and locked it. I was so anxious and high strung I kept messing up the compulsion then. I kept counting wrong or doing the wrong thing and I had to keep restarting from the beginning. By the time I was finished, I was emotionally exhausted. I just collapsed on the floor and I kept thinking, I don't know how much longer I can do this.

It was just awful.

Obviously I'm still feeling rattled because I haven't even touched the prompt yet. I'm waiting for Em, Jim, and the other judges to just DQ me and tell me to blog elsewhere, which would be totally fair.

But, let me think... If I were going to a party, I would probably want to be comfortable. I would dress as Holden from The Catcher in the Rye. So essentially like my WDC avatar which is the cover of the book. Red hunting hat with ear flaps is perfect for winter. That alone would be enough to identify the character for anyone who has read the book.

If you're ever bored, there's actually a 76-page paper

analyzing the fashion J.D. Salinger uses in his writing. The answers to the prompt should be interesting because fashion often isn't the highlight of a book. I mean maybe if you choose The Great Gatsby. But it isn't usually the focal point where I'd be able to pick a character out based on someone being dressed as the character. I'm probably thinking too inside the box though because I read mostly realistic fiction or horror/thriller with realistic elements. Someone who reads sci-fi or fantasy might have more obvious options.

Stoic Thought of the Day: "I think you saw me confronting my fear. It went up with the bottle and went down with the beer.” -La Dispute

10 Like • Comment • View 12 comments

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