%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
|
Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
  "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: Think back to a time when you felt completely at peace. What made you feel that way?I had such a stressful day.  Like I'm really close to Charlie Meltdown Mode and I still haven't decompressed from work.The situation is that almost my entire team, including my boss, are taking this whole week off because of the Thanksgiving holiday here in the States. Cool, no problem, I'll hold down the fort. Let me tell you, I'm not holding down anything. Starting at 7a.m. today, I was getting bombarded from every angle. Emails piling up, phone calls asking why I'd not answered those emails yet, Skype messages. I usually eat some fruit and yogurt or something in the morning while calmly going through my emails- not today! I was attempting to send out my reports along with my team members' reports while also trying to figure out the answers to what seemed like an infinite number of questions that I've never heard asked before in my 10 months here. Like, they were really coming at me hard. "What's this number mean?" on reports I was sending out on behalf of other people. "Why does this report have a different number than this other report that I discovered under a box of stale pizza crusts?" "Where's the source data for this PDF file I got from someone else several weeks ago?" It was constant like that until noon hit and I could move myself as 'away' for an hour and try to regroup. Once I got back from lunch, I just stopped answering my phone because I still had my whole job to do. I responded to emails and messages saying, "Unless this is an emergency, redirect your inquiry to its respective owner and they'll answer when they return from vacation." I don't know if other companies are like this, but everyone in my company acts like their request or question is legit life or death. I'm like, I can't even tell if this is actually urgent because you're all constantly panicking. The worst part is that when I get overwhelmed with stuff, I make a ton of silly errors. Nothing major, but just like forgetting to change the date on a report, attaching the wrong file to an email, forgetting to call into a conference until 23 minutes after it starts...  And people love to call you out on stuff like that. "THIS REPORT SAYS NOV 16TH BUT IT'S THE 23RD. THE 16TH WAS LAST MONDAY." Yes, John, I know, thanks. The week number is accurate. The day numbers within the report are accurate. The email subject line is accurate. The only thing that's inaccurate is the regurgitated email body date that's rolled forward every week when it gets sent out.  Anyway, I'm hoping that more people will start their holiday vacation early and the rest of the week will be quieter. With all that being said, this prompt has impeccable comedic timing.  I've really been sitting here trying to think of the last time I felt completely at peace. I mean, I have my moments here and there where I'm mostly calm, but I don't even know if I know what complete peace feels like.This isn't me being negative either. If you want to know what it's like in my brain 24/7, just watch this 3 minute video inside the life of someone with OCD: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] It's extremely accurate and nails almost all of my current personal obsessions and compulsions. He's even a writer.  My point isn't to force you to watch another video, but it's a really good one if you're trying to understand OCD in 3 minutes.My brain is like this constantly. Not just when I'm anxious, not when I'm hyped up, but every.single.second of my life is like this. My inner monologue (and sometimes outward monologue) every moment that I'm conscious (and sometimes during nightmares) is exactly like this video. And the funny part about this is that I thought it was completely normal. I thought everyone had special counting patterns and rituals to protect themselves and others from harm. I still do think some of these things are relatively normal. Like when you get a headache and WebMD lets you know that you might as well start digging your grave. Everyone's had that experience. Everyone's gotten anxious and had their thoughts run wild before. So I thought this was just part of the human experience that was difficult but necessary. I remember telling people, "I don't know how people are even supposed to focus through all the thoughts." And of course they were like, "Huh?" To which I'd say, "You know, the constant racing thoughts?" Then they'd like tell me to smoke a bowl and relax. No one wanted to tell me that I was losing it or should look into that. It was more like you should have a few drinks to mellow out or whatever. So that's what I did for a long time. My OCD was totally undiagnosed. Therapists were like... ADHD maybe? I was young at the time too, like 12 or 13 and my older friends would see these kind of meltdowns and think, "Okay, he's having anxiety... Well, here's a benzo. Take it with a drink and you'll feel better." I would just do that all the time. I had a lot of other issues going on then too, but if I got high or got drunk I could have a few hours where that was kind of deafened. I remember being like, okay, sooo... why don't people do drugs literally all the time, they're amazing? I had to get really messed up to achieve that peace though because if I was just working off a buzz I'd be spiraling like, "I feel off. I feel sick. Something's not right." If I was totally obliterated, my brain couldn't even acknowledge how my body felt and thus didn't care to flip out. Until I'm proven otherwise, I don't think that people with severe OCD can naturally achieve complete peace of mind. I mean, if your mind was like that video every second you were conscious, would you feel at peace? I sure as hell don't. But achieving that peace through bad vices brings an entirely new set of problems on yourself. Plus, they always wear off and then you're just you again. It's not all bad though. Since I've been diagnosed, it helps having the people who care about me know that I have OCD because they can pick up on thought spirals that I don't even know are happening. Like for example, I'll go to Kira and say something like, "So, when I was getting in the car today, I noticed that our neighbor was waving at me but not until like the last half second before she gave up and turned around, so-" Then Kira will interrupt me and be like, "Charlie, this isn't a big deal. You didn't do anything wrong. She definitely noticed that you weren't paying attention and just moved on. You didn't snub her; you didn't hurt her feelings. She's not angry. You're not a bad person." And I'm like,"Oh... okay, thanks." It sounds pathetic typed out, but I'll get legit intrusive thoughts about these things. You're such a shitty person. You have, like, zero social awareness. Your neighbor definitely hates you now because of how bad of a person you are. Actually, everyone hates you because of how bad of a person you are. By the way, remember that time 10 years ago when your friend said no one likes you for very long? This is why. Oh, and also, you're dying. Because you suck. And your immune system sucks too. It's like having your biggest bully in your head all the time, who knows all your secrets and every painful thing thag makes you tick. I do find some peace though wherever I can. Sometimes if I get really, really lost in a book I can zone out for a while. Same for a really good movie. Sleeping is about 50/50 for me. Half the time I have nightmares and half the time I don't. When I don't, it's such a nice reprieve and I don't want it to end. I guess I have my own versions of peace that involve trying to drown myself out with loud music or other less savory things. I always give people the benefit of the doubt because I know they're doing the best they can. Sometimes I manage to force myself to give me the same kindness. Stoic Thought of the Day: If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid. -Epictetus |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
