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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

November 14, 2020 at 12:37am

#998323

1, 2, 3 epiphany

"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Describe an epiphany or "a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you" that had a profound effect on your life and/or personal opinions.

Pretty much exhausted with myself at the moment... My friend still isn't talking to me. I don't know if it's the timing of getting ghosted with my week going kind of wonky on me, but I'm really not handling it super well.

I'm super embarrassed by how, like, desperately I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong. I always resort to using emotional pleas with people because I am an emotional person, but also because they always work on me. I tried to to tell them like, "My BPD is getting really triggered because I can't handle getting abandoned by people." And, "You promised you wouldn't do this to me." And, "Please at least tell me what I did wrong so I can try to fix it. I don't want to torture myself over the infinite possibilities of ways I've fucked up."

Radio silence.

Now I'm like big yikes because I obviously look totally insane repeatedly texting someone who's, ya know, not responding. I just really don't handle that like sudden drop in communication well regardless of who it is. I have no problem with owning up to my bullshit, but I can't do that without knowing what I've done wrong. I would also never do that to someone. People have done completely inexcusable things to me and I'll still respond to them because they're still a human and they still matter.

So, now that I feel as small as a fleck of dust, I'm going to try really hard to just let it go. It's hard because I'll get like a wave of anger or confusion and I'm used to being able to text that person and get a response, so I'm like maybe if I just word it in the right way. But, yeah. Just bad.

STFU, Charlie.

Alright, let's talk epiphanies. I must really believe in giving myself a long leash because it takes several epiphanies before I actually implement any change. I had many sudden realizations leading up to me going to college.

I was mixed up in drugs in a bad way. The whole year before I actually got myself registered, I would have a sudden uncomfortably cognizant moment where I'd be like, "This isn't working, my dude. Gotta try something else." And then I'd get high and not worry about it again for a couple months.

You know, this topic is a struggle for me because my mental health was so much better back then. Like, not even comparable. My mental health really started breaking apart during my years in university. I think a large part of it was not escaping through drugs as much. I had to suddenly face all of these issues that I'd kept buried for a long time.

During college, I half exposed and dragged these things up through stints in rehab, hospitals, and outpatient therapy. I never followed through with any program fully, primarily because of $$$$$. But that left all these exposed nerves for me to deal with alone now.

So that's what I do now. I'll have flashes of memories I never would have had in my days of heavy drug use. Just eating a bagel in the morning and suddenly hit with a flashback. Initially, this would cause a lot of panic attacks, but I've slowly become numb to these things. Now I dissociate easily, just totally disconnect myself and feel like not even a real person, which I assume is my brain's way of protecting those exposed nerves.

Those initial epiphanies though are what made me register for classes. "This isn't working" slowly evolved into "What might work better" which evolved into me signing up for community college classes.

I was still not ready to profoundly change my path though. That first year of classes I was balancing old habits with my new responsibilities. It took several more epiphanies for me to actually engage in what I was doing and take it seriously.

I think I'm thankful for those epiphanies, which were really just brief moments of cognizance in the haze, because they motivated me to try to do something more with my life. I started taking university super seriously and had a good job lined up at graduation. It's really all a college student could hope for.

But I do have that voice in the back of my head that's like, "You were doing better before." I know I probably wasn't actually doing better before, but it 100% feels that way. And maybe my early/mid-twenties would have been an issue anyway. That's what one of my therapists told me... that a lot of mental health issues emerge in your twenties.

Maybe it would have happened regardless. I mean, I already had mental health issues, but the constant day-to-day struggle wasn't there- at all. I only cared about one thing then and it made my entire life streamlined. Nothing else mattered.

Now I have a million things to worry about and I have to be cognizant for all of it. I pretty much don't enjoy it. I just want to be a normal person. I don't want to be me.

Stoic Thought of the Day: Well I want a better place, or just a better way to fall. -Modest Mouse

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