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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~  "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ---Edgar Allan Poe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Traditional Gemini Traits Adaptable and versatile Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively On the dark side.... Nervous and tense Superficial and inconsistent Cunning and inquisitive ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LIKES  Talking Novelty and the unusual Variety in life Multiple projects all going at once ReadingDISLIKES Feeling tied down Being in a rut Mental inaction Being alone Liars** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
For the last week or so, Jerry and I haven't been going to bed at the same times. I don't know if it's because he's out of work or whatever. I sleep at night, like a normal person does, and Jerry sleeps during the day. Which means I only see him for maybe 4-5 hours before I go to bed. He woke up at around 7pm tonight. This doesn't bother me anymore like it used to. When we were still a couple, I used to get really pissed at him for doing that. I know that he was probably doing something that he shouldn't. But that is in the past, and I am only interested in my future, not his. He can go take a walk off of a short pier. We are civil to each other, but I don't feel as if I have to be his friend. I really don't want even that from him. The sooner I am out of here, the better off I will be. If I am not around him, then there is nothing to get upset over. I still hope to be out of here in a month or so. I also hope to have a car by then too. I really don't like driving trucks, only because they guzzle gas like you wouldn't believe. If I can't have a car right now, I understand. My main goal is to avoid any type of fight or animosity between the two of us. Just until I have enough money to get out. Please God, let me get out of here before I lose my sanity!  |
My dad called to let me know what the results were on his MRI for his knee. He has to have surgery. He tore his MCL......the ligament behind the knee. In case you missed that entry; my dad slipped and fell on his deck after it had been raining outside, and he landed on it in a weird way. I have heard that it's pretty uncommon to tear that particular ligament. I hope that he comes out of this alright. He could be laid up for as much as 8 weeks. Like he isn't already laid up. Right now he is out of work on unemployment because of his injury. I wish that I had all of the money I need to pick up and go home now so that I could be there for him, like he was for me when I had my brain surgery. I know that my dad will be alright. I just wish his stubborn ass would have gone to the doctor sooner. He fell almost a month ago. I called him a klutz.  But shit happens. I have weird accidents happen from time to time. My grandma Betty told me about the time that grandpa Tom was up on the ladder after it had been raining (apparently he propped it up on the wooden deck, and we all know how wood gets after it rains); the ladder slipped out from under him and he landed on top of it. Thank God he wasn't hurt. Grandma came out and saw grandpa laying on top of the ladder and made sure he was okay. She told me that she wished she had a camera when it happened.  I guess I come from a family of klutzes! Dad tried to tell me that he got his klutziness from me. I told him that that is impossible, because he was born before me, and I was conceived from him. I told him that I got my klutziness from him, and that his klutziness is just now surfacing. He's a late bloomer! |
Jerry is finally finding out that sometimes you have to go through a temp agency just to find work. I will have to do that again too. I have no choice. It's that or nothing. At least Jerry knows now that sometimes you don't have a choice in the matter. This now makes Jerry a hypocrite.  |
I am writing this blog entry to congratulate my cousin Melissa is fashionably late! and her husband Jason on their brand new baby boy. I don't have complete details yet, except for the name. I will keep that to myself because I figure that she will want to write all about it when she gets the chance.  |
| I hate Jerry. Lastnight he was fighting me for the couch. I was laying on one end and he was laying on the other end. Every time I would get up to use the bathroom or get something from the kitchen, he would stretch his legs out. When I would come back, he would get all pissed off, and whine, "I was comfortable." "Okay, where do you expect me to sit or lay down on?" "The floor." "I am not some dog that you force to lay down on the floor. If you want to stretch out, then you lie on the floor."  Of course he didn't say anything. Figures. He is such a whiney baby. He's acting very immature and childish for a man that's supposedly more grown up than I am. I hate that. There's an advertisement for a 10 week assignment for a customer service job. That would be perfect for me to take. There's no commitment to stay, and I could just save up the money that I need, and I can get the hell out of here. I think Jerry is trying to sabotage me leaving here. He is trying to make me spend all of my money so I won't have any to leave. He comes up with all of these so-called things that I owe him money for. It's like he wants me to stay here, support him through paying his bills and feeding him, while he goes out and bangs this whore of his, making me feel even more miserable each passing day. I only refer to her as "whore" because he refuses to tell me her name, so I have to come up with a reference for her. Plus, I like being mean about it anyway. I am a lady scorned, so I feel I have every right to use whatever name I feel is appropriate. It's all like a big game to him anyway. I will not be forced to deal with this for much longer. He is on his own. He will just have to ask mommy and daddy for help, or he can save up to leave too. Whatever. I have news for him. I am leaving and I will get out of here. I will do what it takes. I will leave without warning too. He doesn't deserve notice. I will secretly stash away money from my checks if I have to. Dad said that I can stay with him for as long as I need. Of course I would have to sleep on the floor. But that's okay with me. I would only need to stay there short term anyway. I still have my heart set on moving to Battle Creek and getting an apartment there.......when I can afford it of course. |
I can't believe it! I slept in until 1:30pm!  Now I will have a headache from over-sleeping. Great. I am not sure what I am going to do today. I haven't figured that out yet. Maybe today I will make Jerry's life a living hell, like he's doing to me. I will make it so that Jerry is torn between eating or going to his whore's house. If he goes over there, I will just have to go to the store and buy more goodies for myself. I don't know for sure if he has plans to go there or not, but just in case. I will make it so that there isn't a dime to spend on gas or food. Then he really can't go over there. If he can play mind games with me, then I will do the same to him. I know that it doesn't make me any better than him. But damnit, he hurt me and lied to me for two months straight. It's pay back time! |
| I called my dad and my grandmother to let them know that I am coming home for sure within a few weeks or so. Dad told me that Jill and her boyfriend broke up and she will be moving back home. Apparently her boyfriend was a pervert too. I told him that if I have to, I will sleep on the floor. I did that a lot a couple years before I moved out, only because the cat that I had at the time poked holes in my waterbed. Sleeping on the floor is definately better than being in my current situation. Then I can just store most of my stuff at my grandparents for a short time. It will only be for the short term until I can get a full time job and move into a place of my own. Jerry is all pissed at me because he now knows for sure that I will be leaving. He said, "So you're just going to leave and make me starve." I said, "Hey, you want me out of here, so you're just going to have to figure things out for yourself after I am gone." I don't think he really knows what the hell he wants. What a weirdo. He also got upset when he saw that I bought a pet carrier for Max. I don't know why he's so surprised. We've had an agreement since the very beginning that the cat would be better off with me. I have paid for most of his supplies since I have had him. Plus, only my name is on the adoption papers. |
| I went out this morning like I said I was going to. I picked up some boxes, packing peanuts, and some bubble-wrap. I also picked up a new watch and a pet carrier, among some other necessities. I figured that this would be a step toward getting out of here. I think that I will take a U Haul truck from Florida to Michigan. I tried calling the place to get an estimate, but they never answered the phone, even though the website said that they were open til 7pm on Saturdays & Sundays. I will try again soon. I figure that this will take me 2-4 weeks to get out, but at least it will be sooner than October. I got my old part time job back at Michael's, unless I can find a full time job that pays better before that. I really need the full time job. We will see what happens. Bubble Wrap : $9.99 Packing Peanuts: $5.00 5- 16x16x16 Boxes: $19.75 Pet Carrier: $27.99 Being that much closer to getting away from Jerry: Priceless  |
| Tick....Tick....Tick....Tick....Tick.........KABOOM! Okay, I seriously need to get the hell out of here, because Jerry is making my life miserable. Like that's big news or something. He is now blaming me for his job loss. Bullshit. If that's the case, then I guess that I can blame my recent loss and all of the other losses on him as well. It's hard to concentrate at work when you have an asshole breathing down your neck all of the time, bitching and complaining like he's on the rag or something. I know that's an insult to my own gender, but he's acting worse than that. He's also still in contact with his whore. Which isn't surprising, but it still pisses me off. I told him that if he's so worried about it that he can go spend the whole weekend at her place, because I am sick of looking at him. I personally think that the girl that he's seeing is a total ding-bat anyway. If she had any kind of brains what-so-ever, then she shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who is still living with their ex. I sure as hell wouldn't do that. That's just asking to be hurt and burned. Getting involved with someone after they just broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend isn't a smart thing to do either. Who wants to be involved in a rebound relationship anyway? That's stupid. Unless you like feeling pain and agony. I am not the type of girl that sleeps with a man then leaves them or lets them do the same thing to me. I love and respect myself more than that.Two weeks is my goal to be out of here. I just wish I had some help. I am so miserable being around him. Everyday feels like a dagger to the heart. The sooner I am out of here the better off I will be. I told him that once I have moved out that I didn't want him contacting me, which means no phone calls, text messages, snail-mail, e-mail or any other form of communication from him or I would sue him for harrassment and stalking. Problematic Content is right about him being scum of the earth and a waste of oxygen. I also told Jerry that he is a waste of sperm and egg. He got mad at me and told me to "Shut the fuck up" He thinks everything wrong that he has done to me is justified. He's a creep and a loser. I hope that he doesn't breed. Who needs his DNA circling the earth? God forbid. Tomorrow morning, I will be going out to get some cardboard boxes so I can pack my stuff and get the hell out of here. Plus, I will be getting a pet carrier for Max so he can board the plane with me....well, he will go in with the other pets underneath of course. As much as I hate flying, I need to get out of here so that my sanity will stay in tact, what's left of it anyway. A friend of mine on here suggested that I rent a small U-haul and drive up there. That is definately a great idea. I will have to ask my family if they could help me get one. I will also see if my dad could perhaps fly one of my sisters down here so they can travel with me. No lady should travel by themselves. Jerry told me that I still owe him money for some miscellaneous stuff. I told him that if he wanted me out of here ASAP, then I won't owe him anything. I also told him that the money that I have from my final paycheck that I received today will only be used for moving expenses and nothing else. I told him that I will no longer buy food for him to eat, and that he will just have to suffer and starve. Like I could care less what happens to him now. Jerry has accused me of not telling my family and friends the truth as to why we broke up. I told him that I haven't kept anything hidden or a secret. I told him that I write everything in my blog. Everything is out in the open and that I have nothing to hide. Everyone knows about the money situation that we went through, and everything else that I am to blame for. He never takes responsibility for anything he does. That pisses me off, big time. |
| People don't understand the position that I am in. I can't leave right now. I don't have a car for starters. I need to find some way to get all of my stuff back home. I refuse to leave any of my posessions here with Jerry. I need to go find another job to save money up in order to get home. When I come back home, I want to have some sense of independence from my family by at least having my own car so that I can get around to find a job and get my own place. Another factor is this: I won't have any place to stay. My dad has a full house, and my grandparents don't have room for me either. Besides, I don't want to impose on anyone. I am a grown lady that needs her privacy and independence. I am terrified of planes in the first place. Everyone on here tells me to leave my cat here. I refuse to do that. I will not abandon him. I have plans that are carefully laid out. I need to do this with accuracy and responsibly. I want to make sure that I have a lot of money saved up. People can tell me to do this or that, but it's me who has to live with everything. If I could get out right now with all my stuff and my cat I would do it........believe me. Like I said, people don't understand. They make it sound so easy, and the truth is that it's not easy. My dad understands this, and so does my grandmother, but everyone else doesn't. My sister Sheila keeps telling me to leave him. I have on an emotional, mental, and physical level. I haven't had sex with him in 2 weeks. Although, people keep accusing me otherwise that I have slept with him since I found out, which is simply not true. I would not put myself through something like that. Even though I am an emotional wreck, I can still make rational decisions about my body. |
| Well, I forgot to mention that I received a call from the temp agency that I was working for, threw me out on my ass. This is the 4th temp agency that has done this to me for no apparent reason. I was told by a friend that it's typical of temp agencies to do that because they don't want to provide benefits to anyone. It makes sense. I am not a dummy, I knew that I was doing a terrific job with few mistakes. I was in training for fuck-sakes. And they threw me out! I have had it with this crap! No more temp agencies! I am going to call around 11am this morning to see if I can come and get my final paycheck. I will be pissed if they tell me 'no'. I have every right to that money.........today. I will be more pissed if they say they have it, but they would prefer to mail it to me. Jerks! |
I have decided to go on with my auction and other activities that I am holding on WDC. To Hell with Jerry! I am not going to let Jerry ruin all of my fun, just because he's an immoral sleaze-bag. I can't rely on him for my happiness and I have to create my own sense of happiness. Like so many people have said, "It's better to be single and happy, than to be attached and miserable." I agree with that saying whole-heartedly. I vow to follow that advice plus all of the other good advice that I have gotten from countless other friends on here. I don't need him to be happy. Besides, it will be nice to move back home and be with my family and see them once again. I want my neice to know me better and me her. I have only met her once. Plus, there are other new family members that I haven't met as of yet. I look forward to new beginnings and great things ahead.  |
Okay, this is so unlike me to write a blog entry like this, but bear with me because I just have to get it out (no pun intended). I will never eat hotdogs or any other nitrate-containing-food ever again. I had the most explosive farting that anyone could ever have. It was so loud that Jerry couldn't hear his dad talk on the phone. It was continuous for about 15 minutes and Jerry was telling me to knock it off so to speak. It made me laugh though. The air conditioner was blowing in Jerry's direction, so I didn't get to smell the foul odor.  Hehe, lucky me! |
I keep running everything through my mind and I can't stop thinking about everything that has happened these past three months. I keep wishing it were just a big mistake or a nightmare that I can laugh about later. The truth is that it's real, every last bit of it.  I need to save up the money to pack my things and move out. I need to be strong enough to get out of here with Max. Maybe dad will let me stay with him for awhile. I am willing to sleep on the floor if I have to. As soon as I have the money, I will be out of here. The longer I stay with Jerry, the worse it will feel. Every time I think that I am feeling better, there's something that triggers me to lose control of my emotions and I start crying again. I wish this nightmare would just end so I can be happy again. I feel so awful that I wish that I could travel back in time and erase everything about Jerry. |
| Even with all the turmoil that I have been suffering through in the last week and a half, I haven't lost my sense of humor. I know that I will be alright eventually no matter which way it goes. In other news, my dad slipped and fell on the deck at his home a couple weeks ago. It got all swollen and the swelling hasn't gone down. He has to go in for an MRI.......I think that it might require surgery. If it were not serious the swelling would have gone down by now. I think that if dad doesn't take care of this really soon it might become life-threatening, only because this is the very same leg that he had surgery on for his varicose vein that he had 10 years ago. I hope that he will be alright.  |
| In the past weeks I have found out just what a horrible person Jerry really is. Everyone was right about him, my cousin mostly. I guess that I wanted everything to work out between the two of us, but it isn't going to. I held out hope that things would change and everything would be alright. But instead I was made into a fool by Jerry. Just like most men of my generation, he is a self-serving pompous pig who doesn't respect women at all. When Jerry went on his trip to Michigan, I thought that it would change him and he would come back refreshed with a clearer head. He hadn't had a vacation in years, and I thought that he was just burned out. That was not the case. When Jerry came back from his trip, I thought Jerry wanted to resolve things between the two of us and we made love, or at least I thought that it was. That following Friday we made love again. It had been two months since we were intimate with each other. Then on Sunday he said that he was going to be out for awhile because he was going to go do laundry. An hour after he left I called him on his cell phone and asked him where he was at. He says, "I am out doing my thing, okay?" I said, "You're seeing someone and fucking them aren't you.?" He couldn't muster up the words to say to me, and with that I hung up. I am not stupid, but I sure felt like it at the time. I text messaged him a half hour later and forced him to confess to me what he was really doing. He then told me that he had been seeing someone else for six weeks, but it wasn't sexual. Yeah right. Like I was born yesterday or something. He tried to tell me that she was just a friend. I told him that you just don't go to a friends house that happens to be a girl for several hours at a time and then claim that you're not screwing each other. I didn't get the truth out of him until after he got home. I tricked him into telling me the truth by asking him if they were using condoms. And he blurted out, 'yes'. I wanted to explode right then and there. I waited for the perfect opportunity when the pathetic sleaze wasn't expecting it, and I hauled off and slapped him hard across the face. Then I threw a few objects of choice at him. I screamed and shouted at him. I wanted to beat the living tar out of him, I am not sure why I didn't. I wasn't mad at him because he moved on, I was mad at him for two-timing me. He should've told me the truth, but instead, he tricked me into sleeping with him. I called my dad just before Jerry arrived home and told him what Jerry had done to me. Dad was ready to book a flight to come down here and beat Jerry's ass. That would've been nice to see, but I don't want to see my dad end up in jail. Jerry isn't worth it anyway. I told Jerry that he should've been honest with me about everything, and he told me that it wasn't my business that he was seeing someone else. I told him that it is my business if he is sleeping with me and someone else at the same time. I have the right to know. He kept sitting there, trying to justify what he had done, and tried to portray himself as a golden boy who can do nothing wrong. I hate him. I also told him that if his whore shows her face around here that I would personally fuck her up. The thing is, she knew about me and didn't seem to care. That just shows she's a heartless whore. I hope she dies, because that is what she deserves. Jerry told me that he had sex with me out of friendship not love. That broke my heart even more. Here's another kicker.......Jerry is a member of the "Knights of Columbus" an organization of the Catholic church, which is based on charity, integrity and most of all, MORALS. I have the right mind to go and tell the Grand Knight what Jerry has been doing, since he is the Warden of the group. Someone like that doesn't deserve a position of power like that. Steve is a good friend of mine and if he and the rest of the church found out what Jerry was doing, they would automatically disbar him from the group and Jerry would be shamed. Which he deserves in the first place. Things were starting to die down by last Wednesday until Jerry said something that pissed me off even more. He told me that his "friend" said that she couldn't wait for me to leave. That is when I kicked Jerry in the head and things spun out of control. This is when I threw the porcelain doll and where I accidently knocked over the crystal vase and cut myself. I have since forgiven Jerry for his transgressions, but nothing has really changed. I believe in second chances, but both people have to be willing to work things out. Jerry is not willing. My suspicions were correct all this time during late May through July. I wanted to give Jerry the benefit of the doubt, and thought that he would be smarter than that. Guess I was wrong there in trusting him, not to mention all men for that matter. I am through with dating. If this is what I have to face with every relationship, then I don't want any one. I don't believe in true love anymore. I think that it's a stupid crock of shit and I want nothing to do with it anymore. My sister Sheila found out through my dad what Jerry did, and she is telling me to leave him once and for all. Apparently, her boyfriend did the same thing to her that Jerry did to me. Love is a big fat joke! I wanted God to see me through this and help me, but I haven't heard from him or seen any signs that he is even listening. Maybe he doesn't exist. I have believed in him all my life and what have I gotten in return? Heartache and pain. I thought by now that I would get something great out of life for all the horrible things that I have been through. Guess not. I am very disappointed. Thanks a fucking lot Jerry, for making me feel dirty and ashamed of myself! |
| I have called off the truce and friendship with Jerry. He is playing mind games with me again. If there isn't anything that I hate more, it's a liar. I can't wait to move back home. I am so miserable here. I can't leave until I at least have my own car and enough money for food and gas. I still have to remain here until October, even if I don't like it. |
| OF ALL THE STUPID FUCKING SHIT TO HAVE HAPPEN!!!! At around 6pm tonight, I was getting set to write the prompt to this poetry contest and I ended up tripping on the phone/internet cable and wound up tearing it out the wall, which disconnected the internet and phone. Now I have been disqualified from the challenge and can't participate. No merit badge for me. Leave it up to my stupid klutz-capades! |
The most bizarre thing happened to me lastnight after Jerry and I got home. He told me that I am more perfect than he is! I thought that I was hallucinating from the pina colada, beer, and whiskey shot that I had lastnight. So after hearing this, I dug a little deeper. I asked him how I was more perfect than he was. He told me that I make better decisions than he ever has, and that I am in fact more intelligent than he is. I nearly fainted when he said this. He has never said anything like this to me before. Maybe all this crap that has been going on these past two months is a front. Maybe he thinks that he's not good enough for me and that he doesn't deserve me? It might be his way of pushing me away? Who knows. |
| Well, I will be transitioning into another building in a couple of weeks here. I am almost through with my training. I am moving ahead of schedule so far. I will miss the people that I have come to know and like. I know that it will be a great experience for me. |
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