Take a look into the world as I see it.
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Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~
"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."
---Edgar Allan Poe
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Traditional Gemini Traits
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
On the dark side....
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
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Novelty and the unusual
Variety in life
Multiple projects all going at once
Feeling tied down
Being in a rut
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|Well, just as I predicted, my sister and Dan were turned down due to bad credit and Dan's criminal record. I think another factor that is hurting them is no rental history. Rental history is very important when getting into an apartment. They want to see that you are mature and financially stable enough to handle the payments. They are going to look for cheaper apartments. Hopefully they can find a place soon.
|This weather is starting to piss me off. We are now under a severe weather advisory. Well, no shit, we've had no rain for the past two weeks it seems, and so now we are going through a major drought! If we start having fires, it wouldn't surprise me. We are supposed to get some rain on Monday, but it will probably just break up or skip us altogether. I need it to rain so that it can wash the bird poop off of the car, lol. When I was at the gas station yesterday, I took one of the squeegie things and got what was on the windows off. As far as the top of the car, screw that. If it can't wash off without me touching it, it can just stay on there until we get rain. Birds are dirty and nasty.
|I woke up in the middle of the night to the upper right side of my back hurting, and had a hard time finding a comfortable position to sleep in. I don't know how, but I managed to fall back asleep. I woke up and I am still in pain. I have tried everything, from pushing my right shoulder into the wall to get it to pop to having my sister's bf step on that part of my back.........nothing happened with any of those methods. I am in such pain and agony. I might take a day off from walking, being that every move that I take, makes the pain unbearable. The pain radiates to my neck and all the way down my arm to the tips of my fingers and down to my ankle! I am having trouble walking now. All on the right side! People are suggesting a pinched nerve. I don't have the money to see a doctor right now. I don't know if it's stress, lack of sleep which is stress on the body, or I slept wrong. It could very well be all of these things combined. I don't know what to do!
|Why doesn't someone just come along and shoot me? I mean, I am tired of this neverending roller coaster of bullshit with Sheila. She's always changing her mind on everything. She can never make a solid decision. It drives me crazy and she makes my life a living hell in the process. She decided at the last minute that she wants to move into an apartment with Dan. If this whole thing falls through, then I am going to lose complete faith in God and everything else. I will literally go out of my mind and completely lose my sanity. I can't take anymore. I need to find a job and fast, so that I can survive and support myself. Sheila hates everybody including some of her own family members, well, one of her family members, that being me. She is her own worst enemy. She is miserable and makes everyone else miserable at the same time. It's almost as if she doesn't enjoy happiness and just enjoys conflict and fighting. I can't live with someone like that. I have been in tears for the past two weeks because she's driving me insane.
|I accidently closed out of explorer when I was trying to close out an IM window from a bot. I hate yahoo bots! Why have them? They're worthless.
Anyway, still no luck on the job hunt. I had an interview in Detroit a couple weeks ago, and they said they would call me back, but didn't..............assholes! If I didn't get the job, a courtesy call telling me sorry or something along those lines would have been good enough for me. Oh well. There might be a lead right here in Kalamazoo, but it depends on the job. I don't want anything that involves cold-calling people and doing any type of sales. I am still not so sure I want to stay here. I mean, if my sister remains at the apartment with me, I couldn't bare living another month with her. It would royally suck. Her attitude is just awful, she is impossible to live with. She doesn't like me because she thinks I am a prude when it comes to life. I wouldn't say that I am a prude. I don't like getting drunk every weekend like she does. She thinks that I am no fun. LOL. I have different and safer ways of having fun. Unlike her.
|I don't understand my sister at all. One moment she's screaming and hitting men, and the next moment she's cuddling up to them in bed. The sooner I get a job, the sooner I can move out. I don't think that Sheila will move out. I still have money on that. She has never been serious about anything she says she's going to do. All talk and nothing more. My sister needs to get her priorities straight. Dan swears he's going to break her of her attitude problem. I told him, "Good Luck." Trying to break Sheila of anything almost never works. Trust me, I have tried this. She is stubborn and set in her ways. She will never change. She will go on abusing men and being the bitchy person she is.
|First of all let me congratulate The StoryMistress & The StoryMaster on their new arrival baby Jack! I am so thrilled for them!
I went through another sleepless night thanks to Sheila. I think that I forgave and apologized to Sheila way too soon. I found out a lot lastnight. Sheila went out with a gal pal lastnight to hang out, so Dan thought that it would be okay if he went out with his buddy for awhile lastnight. Jazlyn, thankfully was at her grandma Bonnie's house, especially with everything that transpired lastnight. Sheila got home around 11:30 lastnight, and Dan got home about an hour after that. Sheila became really pissed and started to shriek at him. I guess it's okay for her to go out and have fun, but not Dan. I thought, "Oh boy, here we go again." It went on for what seemed like forever. Then it became physical. Sheila punched him 6-7 times and left bruises all over him. This is the same identical situation that happened with her last boyfriend. Now I know the truth. The fault doesn't lie with Dan, it lies with Sheila. She is following the same path as our mother. I feel that she needs professional help, not her family. She is abusive towards men and anyone else that does't agree with her. I can see now that Dan is a changed man. He isn't the same person that he was a few years ago. He is a nice guy and I misjudged him. I shouldn't have. Sheila has given everyone a false impression of what kind of guy Dan is. Dan confessed everything to me and admitted every wrong thing that he had ever done to Sheila, but swore to me that he was no longer that guy. I believe him. He was almost crying about it. I feel bad for saying all of those horrible things about him. I could hear the sincerity in his voice lastnight when he told Sheila that he loved her and that he wanted to be with her. She stormed out and went somewhere for a short time. I came out and asked what the hell happened. He told me over and over again, that he really tried to make things work, and he was practically in tears. I felt really bad for him. Sheila is her own worst enemy and I feel bad for any man that crosses paths with her. They are in for a rough ride if they get involved with her. May God forgive me for judging Dan the way I did. Dan said the exact same thing as I had said to Sheila while back when she was dating Richie. She abused and fought with him too. No man is going to want her because of her bitchy attitude. She doesn't deserve a man. She is going to end up alone. I don't hate Dan anymore. No one deserves to be treated like that.
|With all of the chaos I completely forgot to mention my teaching job that I had yesterday. I got to sub for a school. It doesn't pay a whole lot, but at least it's something. All I care about is that kids have the opportunity to learn, and that's great satisfaction to me. I worked with two kids, a boy and a girl and taught them how to read and taught them how to count syllables. I will take whatever I can get. It was really fun too. I enjoy working with kids! Being a substitute teacher is great! I hope that I get to do it again soon. Kids are great.
|Well, Sheila and I made up for the short-term lastnight. How long it will last, who knows. I know that it won't last that long, because there will be something else that we will argue over. I guess Sheila is very serious about moving out. I saw a brochure for one of the complexs down the street from where I live. It's as expensive as hell too. I hope she is able to get in there. I questioned her about that this morning, and she said that she won't be living alone. She is going to be moving in with Dan. I told her that he better not hurt her again. She told me that he knows better. We will see. I am willing to accept her relationship with him as long as he doesn't hurt her again. I am just worried that her application won't be approved. Dan's credit isn't exactly the greatest. For my sake I hope it does go through.
|I come home on my lunch break, and find Sheila, Dan, and Amp sitting there having lunch. I tried to talk to Sheila in a calm manner and she says, "Don't talk to me, you bitch."
Okay. She claims that, I don't respect her or her daughter and that I hate them both. First of all, I don't really hate anyone. She is just being over-dramatic and silly. I love my niece and I love Sheila. I just get frustrated with both of them, because they don't clean up after themselves and expect me to do it all of the time. Is that fair? No. I should'nt have to be anyones slave. I believe that you clean up your own messes and that's it when you live in an apartment. Most people who have live with other people label the food that's theirs. If Sheila is making money and can afford her own food, then she should be responsible for her own things. Just like when I get money, that is mine to do with whatever I choose.
I am not a whore. She called me a whore because I went out on a date with someone over a month ago, and things went further than expected and you can figure out the rest. It ended up being a one time thing. This wasn't my intention, but that's how it turned out. Being with only two guys on separate occasions in my entire life, does not make me a whore.
I am not a psycho. She called me a psycho because I screamed back her, because she screamed at me. Just like if she calls me a name, I call her a name. I believe in the "Eye for an eye" philosophy. You do something horrible to me, I will do it right back ten-fold.
Then she has the nerve to tell me that she and I aren't related to each other. Excuse me. I have my dad's chin and everything else. She is just trying to get on my nerves. It's not working. It makes me angrier if anything else.
I told her that she was probably just bluffing about moving. She claims that she's not. We will see about that. She is bluffing. I would bet my money on it. I actually want her to leave. It would give both of us a break.
I love my sister. I love my niece. I can't convince her of that. Everyone blames everything on me because I am the oldest. I guess this means that I have to let people walk all over me and hurt me all they want. Everyone sees me as this passive wimp, because I don't stick up for myself. I am not a wimp. I don't like to fight. But when I do try and fight and stick up for myself, they think that I am a bitch.
If all of my sisters want to disown me, that's fine. It's their loss. I know that we need eachother, but not if all we do is fight all of the time. Maybe one day this will all be resolved.
|I get up, and find two pieces of paper attached to the computer. The first one says, "Just for your info, I am moving in a week or two, and everything that I own is going with me, including the tvs." Then the second piece says, "Too fucking bad, BITCH!!!!!"
Yeah right. I doubt that she will move. She is a big talker, and never does anything that she says she's going to do. This is nothing but a typical Sheila Bluff. She won't move. I know how she is. On the other hand, if she does move, it will be a big relief on me. I kind of started the possessiveness of property, with my food. I am tired of them eating it up and not replacing it. I went and labeled everything that was mine. It's not my fault that she's too fucking lazy to run a 1/4 of a mile down the street and buy her own shit. I am tired of being used. I don't deserve to have my food eaten up and my stuff raided.
If Sheila were a more tidy person and not so self-centered, I wouldn't mind sharing things. But since she lives like a swine and can't do for herself, then I won't do for her. She is 22 years old, an adult, she needs to be doing adult things, like cleaning up after herself, and buying her own food. If she would ask me if she could eat this or drink some of that, I wouldn't mind sharing. But instead, she just takes it like she owns the place. That's not cool, that's just downright rude and inconsiderate. Even if I am not here, she can always call me up at grandma's hosue and ask. It doesn't take much skill to pick up the phone and dial a number. If I am not there and she can't get a hold of me, then she keeps her hands off of my stuff until I get home. If she's going to act like an idiot, I will treat her like one.
I have made a new rule. The next time I find a pot or pan that has caked on food such as pasta or thick-caked on marinara sauce on it, I am not even going to wash it, I will just throw the whole damn thing into the garabage. It is not my job to clean up after those pigs. If they're going to leave shit in that condition, then it's not going to be around for them to make a mess in if they're going to be slobs about it. I wasn't put on this earth to be a bitch-slave to people. I put up with too much of that shit when I was living at home. I won't allow it ever again.
I am tired of people siding with that bitch and making excuses for her. If that's the way people are going to be, then they can join her on my shit-list. The only people who agree with me are my good friends on messenger. I explain everything to them like I explain things in my blog. They are completely sided with me, and say that I am too good of a person to put up with those assholes.
If you want to know what's been going on, just read the last few entries in this blog. It's been hell.
|I can't live like this anymore. I am not some fucking maid here to clean up after these slobs named Dan and Sheila. Ever since I was a little kid, I have had to clean up my sisters and mother's mess. I always had to clean up after everyone. I sacrificed so much as a child for a worthless mother and a sister who is as equally worthless. I can't take this abuse anymore. They use me and walk all over me. I can't even talk to Sheila in a calm manner or she will scream in my face and cuss at me. You can't talk to her about anything. I am tired of coming home and finding two sink fulls of dirty dishes. She never helps out with any of the housework. She leaves everything to me. Then just the other night, that worthless pig Dan, came into the kitchen and says,
"Did you do the dishes like you were supposed to? I need to make sure that you're doing your job."
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! I just want to choke him with a rope! Who the hell does he think he is anyway, the king of the household? He has a lot of nerve bossing me around and freeloading on me the way he is. He eats my food, uses my phone, makes messes, and doesn't fucking clean up after himself. I feel like I am going to go insane. My grandparents won't do anything about it. If I have to go down to management here at the apartment complex and have both of them evicted for being the lazy slobs they are, I will do it and no one can say a single damn word to me. Not even my grandparents.
People have no idea what I am going through. I wish that I would have stayed in Florida. I do much better by myself. I feel like I am at my wits end. I need to find a job and get the hell out of this situation quick before I inflict pain on myself. If it was God's intention to put me on this earth and live a life of turmoil and suffering, then what is the fucking point of letting me live? I see it this way, I don't see a happy ending for me or a handsome prince sweeping me off my feet to take me away from all of this. I have tried with all of my might to find a job and there is no sign of a relief to any of this hell that I am going through. I am in pain and misery and it has fallen on deaf ears. No one cares, and soon, I will no longer care. My sisters don't appreciate me, no one appreciates me. No one ever stops to think what a truly gracious and sweet person that I was. That graciousness and sweetness no longers exists. I have no more energy or fight left, I give up. I can't fight anymore. I am now bitter and depressed.
|I come home in a good mood, until I found my room ran-sacked. My sheets, comforter, and pillows were torn off of my bed and thrown onto the floor. Then I found my laundry basket with my clean clothes shoved to the other side of my bedroom. I have a feeling that Dan and Sheila had something to do with it. I questioned Sheila about it, and she denies knowing anything about it. She blamed it on Jazlyn. Yeah right. My ass. Jazlyn wouldn't be able to move something as heavy as a water pillow that weighs more than she does. Besides, Jazlyn has never torn my bed apart. I know damn well that it was probably Dan that was snooping in my room. Probably looking for my phone. I am getting tired of Dan using my phone to call his scummy friends 10-20 times a day, and then giving his scummy friends MY fucking phone number!!! It's my phone, and it's under my name! I never gave him permission to use my phone. Welcomed guests have my permission to use my phone, but he isn't welcomed here in my eyes. A guest is someone who is pleasant and you enjoy their company. Dan is neither if these things. I am pissed off at the fact that he's always here. He never does anything but sit on his ass all day, dirty dishes and eat my fucking food. He and Sheila have no right to use my things. They don't know how to do that polite thing and ask me. They are totally rude. They don't clean up after themselves. They expect me to do everything for them. I also noticed that the trash was piled up and stinking to high heaven in the trash can. I ended up taking that out, and hauling all of the other trash that was on the counter, to the dumpster. They are fucking slobs and I hate them. I wonder if I can have roommates evicted? They use and take advantage of me. I am tired of it, and I want the fuck out, or I want them out. Either way, I am about to lose my sanity. The next time I find my room in that condition, I am going to beat all of their asses. I feel like I am being walked all over. I am tired of everyone taking those assholes sides. They are just as bad. I am tired of people who disagree with me. I am being victimized and no one is listening.
|Some how Sheila found out that I blabbed to grandma about Dan living there and the third cat. I think Molly told Jill, and then Jill told Sheila over lunch last weekend. I think that I will disown all of my sisters. They just aren't worth keeping in my life if they're going to stab me in the back. I have always been the outcast of the four daughters. Ever since I can remember, they have talked smack about me behind my back. I'm tired of it. They try and tell me who I can/can't date. It's okay for Jill to take her boyfriend back after he has cheated on her. I don't judge him, because everyone makes mistakes. At least Matt doesn't have a criminal record for drug abuse, or dealing drugs like Dan does. I happen to like Matt, because he seems like a decent guy. Sheila always talked shit about Jill taking Matt back, but yet it's okay for Sheila to take that loser Dan back. What a hypocrite! Just like if I ever take Jerry back, it will be up to me and not anyone else, if I decide that's what I want. Jerry is a million times better then Dan will ever be. I am sure that my sisters will have something to say about it. At least Jerry has graduated from college and can at least have somewhat of a future if he decides to clean his act up. I am not saying that I will take him back. I am just making an example. If Sheila wants to wreck her life with that loser that can't even take care of or support his kid that he has with her, then that's her decision. I am not going to be there for her when he hurts her again. Sheila has always been a retard when it came to making streetsmart choices. I just need to find a job and get the hell out of there. Sheila never cleaned up he hair dye mess, or the shit streak that her damn cat left on the carpet. She also leaves dried up pasta in pots and casserole pans, and then she leaves tv dinner trays out in the livingroom and keeps dirty dishes in her bedroom. She's a swine.
She buys goldfish and doesn't even feed them when it's time. She brought a damn cat into the apartment when she knows damn well that each apartment is supposed to only have two maximum, but she ignores what I tell her anyway. I always end up taking care of her shit. She has two houseplants and doesn't even water those. They are always near death by the time I notice. Why should I have to take care of her shit? I have cleaned up after my sisters when I was living at home. I'm not doing it anymore. I can't stand her. She acts like people owe her everything in the world. I am done taking care of her shit. No more. I don't owe her or any of my other sisters anything. I took care of them most of my life and I am done taking care of them. They don't even acknowledge that I gave up my childhood for them. They are just a bunch of ungrateful assholes. As much as I have done for them, they still talk shit about me behind my back. I am done being there for them. I wasted my life so they could have things. I will only think of myself from now on. It's time for me to be selfish. When I get a job and move out, my sisters are dead to me.
My sisters are too much like the women on my mom's side of the family, and I think that it's an awful quality for any human being to possess. The women on my mom's side of the family tend to backstab and betray eachother, then it turns into a never ending circle of fighting and name calling. I'm tired of all of it. She actually tried blackmailing me lastnight, lol! She told me to stop telling grandma about everything that she does, or she will tell our grandparents about me going to Detroit to meet that guy. It would backfire on her anway, because I already told them about me going on a date with a guy from Detroit. Then she told me to keep my secrets to myself and be a person for once. Be a person? What else could I be besides a person? LMAO!!! A cat, or a bird? She is moron who can't speak proper english.
|I am getting fucking tired of this bullshit!!!!! Sheila owes me $65 for this months utilities, and she keeps blowing it off. That fucking deadbeat loser is here. She gave that loser Dan, $117!!!!!! Oh, so she can give him nearly twice the amount of the money owed to me, but she can't give me the $65? That's fucking bullshit! I should have her thrown out on her ass. I am tired of putting up with her bullshit!
|I get a call from my grandma early this morning, asking me where I was. I said, at home in bed, and asked why. She said that they were having a garage sale and that I was supposed to help. I told her that no one said anything to me about a garage sale. LOL. If people don't say anything to me, how the hell am I going to know. I should know better. My grandpa does things spur of the moment, so this is something that is to be expected. Some notice, would have been nice. Oh well. So here I am helping out. I also discovered that grandpa put some of my stuff out that wasn't supposed to go out. I quickly scooped up what was mine and took it back inside. Grandpa is having it again tomorrow and told me to mark the boxes that I don't want raided for the sale tomorrow. *Double Sigh*
|I would be laying dead on the floor! Sheila continues to shoot daggers at me. I still have no clue what her problem is. Unless she found out what I have been saying about her relationship with that loser, Dan. I asked grandpa lastnight before I left if he had said anything to her about letting Dan stay here. He told me 'no'. I believe him. Even if he had said something to Dan, it wouldn't have made difference to me. Actually I would prefer that grandma and grandpa would say something to her. At least that would prevent Dan from ever staying here again. I haven't seen Dan in the last two nights, so that's a good sign. If me ratting Sheila out keeps Dan away, then I would embrace Sheila's death glares, lol! I don't like having Dan here, because it's an invasion of my privacy, food, and everything else that's mine. Actually having any man here is an invasion. I never had a man in my apartment to stay the night and I probably won't. I wouldn't do that to my sister. I hope to get a job very soon, so I can have my own place for a change.
|I forgot to mention my walking experience yesterday just before I got home. I was almost back to grandma's house, when the soles of my shoes fell off. I guess when I get my stimulus check, new shoes will be at the top of my list. That is the second pair of shoes that I have ever had that have actually done that. They weren't the same brand either. I guess no matter what brand of shoes that you wear, walking 2 hours a day will do that to them. LOL. I have talked to many people, including my sister Jill (a personal trainer), and a friend who is a body builder, have all said that it doesn't matter what brand your shoes are or how much they cost, they will fall apart just the same. This is 2 hours of hardcore walking on pavement and gravel, plus more walking in between. Walking for two hours a day indoors won't do that to a pair of shoes. Outdoor elements on the other hand will.
|I am switching banks. I am sick of Bank of America taking over everything. I used to be with LaSalle, and they are now Bank of America. They were always a part of BOA, but decided they wanted to be the same name. I go to look at my online bank account, and I see that they have gone from a $3 service fee to a $5 service fee. That's ridiculous. As if they don't make enough money off of charging us for checks and money orders. I am switching banks. I shouldn't have to have a minimum balance if I don't want to. I don't like being controlled in any manner. I like to have control over my money. I mean, afterall, it's my money, not theirs. I need to find a bank that doesn't do that shit. I had BOA in Florida, and I hated them then. My opinion of them hasn't changed.
|I come home and I try talking to Sheila, and I asked her what was wrong, and she replies, "I don't want to talk to you", in a really snotty and bitchy way. I don't know what I did. I know that she can't possibly be reading my blog. She doesn't know my handle or email for here. I guess it's a possibility, but I doubt it. I called grandma and asked her if she or grandpa possibly talked to Sheila about letting Dan stay here, she told me 'no'. So I have no clue what her problem is. I don't really give a crap if she does read my blog. At least she will know exactly what's on my mind. Someone needs to knock her on her ass for a change and straighten her and her bitchy attitude out. Once a BITCH, always a BITCH! Her damn cat jumped up and clawed up my bare back, and I let out a screech, and Sheila comes out and asks what the hell all of that noise was. I told her that her cat clawed up my bare back and I screamed. She glared at me and took the cat into her room. Whatever. Grow up Sheila, and stop being a bitch!