Take a look into the world as I see it.
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Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~
"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."
---Edgar Allan Poe
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Traditional Gemini Traits
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
On the dark side....
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
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Novelty and the unusual
Variety in life
Multiple projects all going at once
Feeling tied down
Being in a rut
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|I feel like kicking some major ass!!!! Sheila fucking stained the hallway carpet up with hair dye, plus she got some on the bathroom floor and on the counter. I have dyed my hair several times since I moved in here and never got it on the capet. That isn't going to come out of the carpet, and I am sure as hell not cleaning up after her. It's not my mess and I didn't do it! I hate living with people!
|I had suspicions all along about Sheila and Dan being back together, and my suspicions were confirmed this morning when I overheard Dan before he left. He was telling someone that he and Sheila might be getting a place together. There are pros and cons to this whole thing. The con being that Sheila may be back with him just because she has a child with him, and the pro being that they will be out of the apartment. Another con, being that he always finds a way to worm his way back into her life, and another pro being that my grandparents will be released from paying the rent, if I find a job any time soon. Who knows, everyone has the ability to change if they want. I just hope that he doesn't hurt her again. Sheila doesn't make the most wise decisions that's for sure. I mean, she brings a kitten in when she knows that the apartment complex only allows 2 cats maximum, and Jazlyn doesn't know how to treat animals in the first place, and she's always torturing the kitten and doing mean things to it. Like a 3 yr old knows how to take care of a cat. Sheila also owes me $65 for her share of the utilities and I haven't received that yet. I am getting sick and tired of her. Well, I already was sick and tired of her. I am still going out of my mind in craziness. I need to get away and fast.
|Another thing that bothered me yesterday, was when grandma told me about how dad was complaining about his shoulder bothering him, that she wishes she would have told him to get in the van and that she would take him to the emergency room and gladly pay for everything. I told her that she can't go blaming herself for what happened to dad. She couldn't have known what was going to happen. None of us could have known. I told her that I even tried to get dad to go to the doctors and get himself checked out back in 2006 when I noticed that he was jaundiced. But as stubborn as dad was, you couldn't tell him anything. I wish grandma would stop blaming herself. I know that she is having a rough time with all of this. But this year's first everything without dad is going to be rough, for me, my sisters and the rest of my family.
|Today was a rather tearful Mother's Day for grandma. I felt bad for her. She was thinking a lot about my dad today and how she misses his Mother's Day calls every year. Uncle Tom actually called her for a change. Which is a first. I came over for dinner. We had bbq ribs and mac and cheese. I am full and now the site of food makes me want to hurl lol. I didn't even eat that much. I actually slept 10 hours lastnight. My body must have needed the sleep. I still don't feel well rested. Maybe I will get caught up the rest of the way tonight.
Happy Mother's Day to all you deserving mothers out there! My biological mom doesn't deserve that type of acknowledgement, so I won't say anything!
|I just bought a book by Shel Silverstein called, "Don't Bump The Glump", and I must say it's very unusual, but cute. It's his first published poetry book in 1964 along with, "The Giving Tree". I will share one of the poems from the book.
ABOUT THE BLOATH
In the undergrowth
There dwells the Bloath
Who feeds upon poets and tea.
Luckily I know this about him,
While he knows almost nothing of me.
It's on the goofy side, but I love it! He was a brilliant man, and I adore his works!
|You know, it's a good thing that I am moving away soon. I don't know when I am moving, or where, but I am glad anyway. My younger sisters always go out to lunch and shopping together, all three of them. They never invite me to go anywhere with them. Why do I always get left out of shit? Is it because I am not as skinny as they are, and they see me as a social disgrace? Whatever the reason is, I don't really care. I think that it's lame that they never ask me to do anything with them. I guess I do care to an extent, but at the same time screw them for not including me. I am sure that I won't be missed by them when I do move. I would rather move somewhere and become my own person. I have always been held back in so many things. I want to break free and be on my own and not have to rely on others for help. I want to have my own circle of friends and have fun in life at the same time. I am tired of this rut. For once I would like good things in life. I don't feel that I can have a good attitude and good things out of life if I can't concentrate on being happy with all of the bullshit that surrounds me right now. I am just tired of being left out of everything, it's been like that since childhood. I am sick and tired of it. And people wonder why I have this, "Fuck the world" mentality. No one will ever understand how I feel. I must not fit into my sisters little clique. Oh well. I will be fine once I get out on my own and I am alone for awhile.
|I came home lastnight to find not only my sister, Jazlyn, and Dan there, but also Dan's brother. This apartment is getting way too crowded for my taste. I need to be alone for awhile, just me and my cats. I need the time alone to think. Jazlyn is driving me nuts the most out of anyone. There just isn't enough room for 3 adults, 1 child, and 3 cats. I leave my apartment everday, just to escape the madness. I usually go to my grandparents house to spend time with them and to go on my daily two hour walk. I need to get out of here and fast, before it kills me, lol. I don't know how much more I can take. This whole ordeal scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I will ever get out on my own.
|Well, I changed my opinion about Dan a little bit. I came home lastnight and he had cleaned the kitchen, diningroom, and livingroom from top to bottom! I was blown away, lol! He went to work this morning, so there's a possibility that he won't be back here today.
Well, my body is starting to feel the effects of the stress that I have been going through. I broke out into hives numerous times yesterday. My stomache is still sore from all of the emotional stress. I think I might be dead before I find a job. I can't take anymore. I am tired of people telling me that a lot of other people are going through the same thing, and that I shouldn't frett over it. Bullshit!!!! It is not the same fucking thing! No one knows exactly what I am going through. They are not me! I am tired of everyone telling me that it will be alright. It will not be alright! It never will be! This is just a bunch of bullshit, and I am tired of it! I am tired of living with my sister! I shouldn't have to live with anyone if I don't have to! I am tired of having to ask my grandparents for money every week because I can't get a job anywhere. I have looked in other areas besides Detroit, such as Grand Rapids, Holland, Battle Creek and Lansing, and they don't have anything either. I am 30 years old and shouldn't need help of any kind. But here I am, just as worthless of a deadbeat as my Uncle Tom!
|I am so tired of coming home and finding that loser scum, Dan in my apartment. I think that I will rat Sheila out to grandma and grandpa, since they are paying the rent. I kind of already have. Grandma said that if Dan continues to stay here, they will stop paying the rent. When I told Grandpa, he was pissed to learn that he has been staying here part time. I want to get a job so bad and move the hell out of here. I am so fucking tired of seeing Dan's face every other day! Fucking Freeloader Son of a Bitch!!!!!!! Having him here is part of the reason why I am so sick to my stomache.
|I feel weak from throwing up in the shower yesterday morning, and my stomache is still in knots. Stress does weird things. I helped grandpa with the new water heater for the basement. That thing has to weigh at least a little over 100 pounds. It did a number on my back. There's my strength training for today. I also had to help grandpa get it down the basement, which was a task all on its own.
Max is getting along really well with the new kitten. He likes to play with her, and have her chase him all over the place. Jezebel on the other hand is another story. She is being such a bitch to the new kitten. Growls and hisses whenever she comes near her. When I left today, the kitten was peacefully napping on my bed, so I just left her there. I am glad that at least one of the cats likes her.
|I don't know how much more I can take this shit. I need to work. I am a worthless human being if I can't work. I have applied to 100's of jobs and can't get a damn interview. The phone never rings. I even put in the cover letter that I am willing to relocate to the Detroit area. None of these companies want to give me the time of day to give me a lousy interview! They can just kiss my ass then! Everyone tells me to keep up a positive attitude. I have had a positive attitude since I was laid off from my job 2 months ago. Where has it gotten me? No where! That's what! I have been as positive as a person could possibly be in this situation. I'm done. I can't smile anymore. I have lost hope. All of the positivity has been drained out of me. I am sucked dry. There is nothing left to give. I can keep putting my efforts in and smiling, but in the end it doesn't count. It doesn't get me anywhere. I am tired of having a roommate and having to share everything. I am tired of having my privacy invaded. I need time to myself, and can't seem to get it. If I don't find a job by the middle of this month, I will literally go insane. I can't file for unemployment or state assistance because I haven't made enough since I have been back in Michigan, so I am literally screwed. I am tired of borrowing from my grandparents for money to pay my bills and groceries. I hate it. I have tried so hard to get out on my own, and do things for myself, and be independent. My efforts have failed. They didn't make a difference in the first place. My nerves are so shot that I threw up in the shower today. Without money, I can't go out and have a great time and do the things that I want to do. I have failed in this life, and I have had enough.
|I don't understand my sister sometimes. She gets a kitten, but doesn't pay attention to her. Why even bother having an animal if you're not going to be around? It doesn't make any sense to me, how selfish people are when it comes to animals and children. I called Sheila a little while ago asking her when she was going to be home and she said, "In a little while." I told her that the poor kitten was lonely and meowing all the time wanting attention. She said, "She's just going to have to get used to it, because I am never home." *sigh* How cruel!!!! I paid some attention to her lastnight and part of today. So, I am not totally neglecting her. Sheila just doesn't use common sense when it comes to life decisions.
|I had a hard time sleeping lastnight because of the kitten. She kept meowing to be let out, but she hasn't had her feline leukemia test yet, and I am just afraid to let her be around the other cats. I'm sure she's fine, and maybe I am being over-protective of my cats. They are like my children and if anything were to happen to them, I would be devastated. When the other two cats were in my room lastnight, I shut the door and let the kitten come out. She was starved for attention, and needed human contact. I was at the computer when I let her out, she climbed up my leg several times lastnight and was crawling all over the place.....I have serveral poke marks on my upper thigh from the kitten clawing her way up. She's a sweetheart. I don't care much for the name. Sheila named her Patience, from the movie Catwoman. I don't like it. But, it isn't up to me to decide that.
|Sheila brought home a new kitten today. She is adorable and so sweet! My apartment complex only allows two cats. I just hope that the leasing office doesn't find out that there are three cats here. My cats were here first. I hope that I find a job and my own place before that happens. I don't have any pictures of the new kitten, but as soon as I get one, I will share with everyone.
|I think that I will take a break today from walking, but I haven't quite decided on that yet. A friend of mine suggested that I take a break since my arches are in a lot of pain and I am getting blisters. I never take days off. I am so gung-ho on losing weight faster than anyone. I have been overweight for too long. I want to wear a bathing suit, wear skirts, and sexy clothes again. Maybe one day.
|Sheila's ankle isn't broken, it's just sprained. I am very glad. That's the last thing that she needs. I bought my shoes a month ago, and my feet are starting to hurt. Then yesterday, I got a blister on the bottom of my foot for the first time. One of my friends says that it sounds like I need to replace my shoes already. It's a good thing that I didn't pay that much for them then. I try not to spend too much on athletic wear because I am rough on it, and go through it so fast. Hopefully this weight loss thing will go by faster than I realize. I am seeing results. My clothes are fitting looser. That's a great sign.
|Sheila went out lastnight and got drunk off her ass. I thought that she said she was going to quit getting drunk like that because of what happened to dad. Guess not. Well, anyway......I got home from the dentist and I saw her walking all hunched over. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was hungover. I also added that she doesn't walk like that when she's hungover. She told me that some huge guy fell on her and may have possibly broken her ankle. Last week she was out and stepped on broken glass and had a huge welt and cut on the bottom of her feet. She was wearing heels too. She has the most rotten luck. But that's what happens when you get drunk like that on a regular basis.
|I got a notice lastnight from the leasing managers at the apartment complex saying that the pest control people will be taking preventive measures for warding off bugs. They expected us to clean out all of our closets and cabinets and put everything in plastic bags, then take down every wall hanging and place them in the middle of the floor. I was pissed because I got home late lastnight and didn't expect anything like this. I think the courtesy of at least 72 hours would have been more acceptable. After I got back from the dentist, I called the office and told them that I was out late lastnight and didn't have enough time to prepare for this, and that I also had two cats. They said that I didn't have to accept the treatment plan. Then my sister Sheila got a phone call from them and so did my grandparents from the office and said that it was mandatory to have the treatments done. The pest control guy came and I explained to him that I didn't have time to get everything out of the cabinets and closets. He told me that the list that they gave us was actually old and that bagging everything was not necessary. He just placed some gel in the corners of the cabinets in the kitchen and bathroom. That was a relief.
I was carrying the vacuum into my bedroom and my cat Jezebel backed up from the hallway into my room, and she hissed at the vacuum. The vacuum wasn't even on! I just laughed at her and she dashed out into the livingroom. I was hysterical and couldn't stop laughing about it. Max doesn't get weird about the vacuum.
On another crappy note, I started my menstrual cycle 4 days early this month. That's a rarity. It must be the exercising and my diet. No wonder I wasn't feeling very good. I was sluggish for a couple days last week. I get like that sometimes just before I start. On the brightside, at least it will be over that much sooner.
|Well, here it is, the last day of April, and I will be 31 in 44 days. April went by way too fast. I can't believe that it's been nearly 2 months since I have been laid off. Usually it only takes me two weeks to find something else. Not this time. May will be here tomorrow, and what do I get to do to kick off the beginning of the month? A visit to my most favorite thing in the world, the dentist. I thought that it was just a follow up appointment, and I go to check the message that the receptionist left, and she said that I can't eat, drink, brush my teeth, chew gum or do anything else that could disturb the environment of my mouth. I have to have some kind of test for some kind of cavity causing bacteria. I don't mind the not eating part, or the chewing gum part, because I don't chew gum anyway. But the not brushing the teeth thing, just makes me feel icky. I am religious about keeping my mouth clean. I brush at least twice a day. *Ugh* I can't even think about it.
|I can't believe those delinquent teenagers that beat up that girl in Florida are pleading not guilty in that trial. How can you plead not guilty for something that was caught on tape in the first place? If they get slap on the wrist, I will lose complete faith in this country and our justice system. American justice can be pretty shitty at times. I'm just afraid that something bad will happen. I really do feel that they should be tried as adults, not juveniles. They know better, and should go to prison for what they did. All 8 of them.