Take a look into the world as I see it.
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Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~
"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."
---Edgar Allan Poe
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Traditional Gemini Traits
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
On the dark side....
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
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Novelty and the unusual
Variety in life
Multiple projects all going at once
Feeling tied down
Being in a rut
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|Response to leading entry: "this time last year"
This time last year, I was living in Tampa Bay, Florida, without a car because a drunk driver t-boned me and totalled my car, which caused the downward spiral of my relationship with my fiance. Well, I suppose there were problems before the car accident, but it didn't help. Now, here I am living in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I must say that I am happier now then I was this time last year. Although a lot has changed since then. I don't have a car, boyfriend, and worst of all, my dad is no longer with me. I can live without Jerry, or a car (only short-time without a car), and I will live without my dad not being here (although I am not happy about this, I will live). Yes, things have changed. I will live, and do the best I can to put my life back together.
|In response to leading entry: "Invalid Entry"
I haven't written in my blog since earlier this week. I have had a ton of time, I just didn't feel like it. Instead, I have been embroidering pillowcases just to break the cycle. Plus I have had a lot on my mind. I am thinking of moving to Troy. I will most likely move to Troy, or some other city in the Detroit area, since they seem to be the only cities that offer employment right now. Kalamazoo sucks. I can't even get a job in retail, for two reasons. I always get told that I am over-qualified, or it is too slow and they don't need anyone. I don't want to work in retail anyway, because the customers are despicable and rude. I worked in retail for a total of 5 years. Been there. Done that. Don't want to go there ever again. I only have Troy on the brain because there is a chance that I might be getting transferred to the mortgage company that I was working for in Kalamazoo, to a different branch that is located in Troy. I would love the opportunity to live on my own for a change and not have to rely on my grandparents to help me out. Plus, I will get away from my demon-spawn niece, and my moody sister. I love my sister, but I can't live with her. I am 30 years old and need my own space. I told my boss that I would be willing to commute from Kalamazoo everyday until I can relocate to the area. I wouldn't mind it, since it would mean earning $2 more per hour. It would be well worth it. And in the mean time, I can save up money for the first few months of rent, and items that I will need for my apartment. I will be 31 in June this year, I need to return to the dating scene, and I need my privacy. I can't have those things if I am living with a toddler and my 22 year old sister. I need to break away and support myself. Even if I don't get in with this company in Troy, there are other jobs in that area that I can pursue. I am even excited. I don't think there was that much sarcasm in this entry.....but I had to vent about what was on my mind.
|In response to entry: "thirteen ways of looking at a blank page."
I have had more than 13 awkward and embarrassing moments that I can painfully remember. I will go ahead and just list the top 13.
1986- My grandma Mary had just bought me these pretty black dress shoes. I couldn't wait to show them off to people at school. I wish I had never worn them. I kept slipping and falling in them. Every time I fell, this kid that was notorious for picking on me on a regular basis would see it, and laughed at me everytime, and would tell everyone about it. I continued to wear the shoes to school everyday in hopes that I would get used to them and stop falling in them. That never happened. Unfortunately. I eventually stopped wearing them to restore my dignity.
1988- Before I had noticeable breasts, I just had small ones that no one noticed, I have had breasts since I was 9 years old. This thought doesn't typically run across an 11 year olds mind. But when you start to become a boy-crazy girl and start to notice the older more mature teenage boys, it becomes part of the thought process. One day I decided to stuff my training bra with tissue paper and go out for a bike ride and show off to those teenaged boys. I ended up wiping out in the sand and skidded across the black top. I ended up with scrapes on the palm of my hands and bruises from head to toe, and to make things worse I saw the tissue paper lying beside me, shredded up. I got noticed alright. The guy asked if I was okay, and I shyly said 'yes' and quickly got up and rode off in another direction.
Forgive me, I was a silly pre-teen girl. We all do it. Admit it. I don't stuff anymore for obvious reasons, because I have more than enough to get noticed by guys now.
1989- When we're younger we tend to pull stupid stunts in which we end up with painful injuries, and a lot of embarrassment. I was on the swing out in the back yard, only instead of sitting in it, I decided to stand on it. I was having a grand old time swinging higher and higher and then my foot slipped and I fell from a great distance and went thud on the ground. The only injuries that I sustained was a bruise under my thumbnail, and few cuts and scrapes. It hurt though and I wailed like a banshee. My dad came out to see what the hell was wrong with me, and as soon as he saw me he started laughing, because this is what my family is famous for. Laughing at others expense. Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed. Of course, my dad went and told everybody about it. Thanks dad.
1989- I was riding my bike with my sister Jill, we only get just over a half mile down the street and all of the sudden the brakes on my 10-speed lock on their own and I go flying and land on my face. I start bawling like there's no tomorrow. Just before my sister can ask me if I am okay, this big semi comes barrelling down the street, and we high-tail it off of the street just before it got to us. I ended up with deep cuts on on my elbow and a black eye with deep cuts. One of my friend's mother cleans my wounds and we go home. I tried to show Belinda what happened and all she could do is laugh at me. I am thankful that this happened during the summer time when school wasn't in session. That would've been heaps embarrassing.
1990- I was 13 years old and finally had noticeable breasts. Unfortunately, all of the 13 year old perverted boys noticed too. Everyday after lunch, I would get my bra strap snapped when the boys would walk behind me. I was the brunt of many boob and ass jokes. I started to hate the kids that I went to school with, mainly the boys. This torment went on that entire year. I tried to deflect their remarks by wearing baggy shirts and pants, but once someone sees what you have, they don't forget that easily. I seemed to develop faster than all of the other girls my age, which I kind of hated.
1991- I came back from lunch one day and some of the kids were laughing at me, and I couldn't figure out why. One of the girls was nice enough to point out that I had a wad of chewed up gum on the tip of my shoe. I didn't want to touch it of course because it had been in someone else's mouth. I was a little freaked out by the thought of touching it with my bare hands. My teacher kindly handed me a tissue so I could get the gum off of it. I was really embarrassed by this incident.
1991/92- I was 14 years old and developed my first real crush on a guy named Bryan. When word about this got out to the rest of the eighth graders, they made fun of me all of the time. I was so mortified. The crush went on for two years, and so did the taunting and teasing. Obviously, Bryan and I never dated, because he didn't have the same feelings for me. Oh well. That's why they call them crushes. Years went on, and Bryan still had it in his head that I was still ga-ga over him, which wasn't the case, I had moved on. Come to think of it, I never dated anyone from my school. I dated guys who went to different schools. One that went to Delton-Kellogg, and another that went to Lawton Schools.
I used to care about what others thought of me, and I used to care about name brand items and the latest things that were in style. I don't anymore. I go with what looks good on me, and not what something costs.
1993- It was football season in high school, I was in the marching band. I was walking across the grass and my foot became hooked in my shoelace and I tripped and fell. Of course, a lot of people saw it and burst into laughter. Another awkward moment to etch into my brain that I will remember for years to come.
1993- Still football season. There was this Senior named Chris in band. Everyone hated him, because he acted like he was so much better and more perfect than anyone else. He was stuck up and definately had some kind of complex. He was a bully and treated everyone like shit. Well, I showed him while we were out on the practice field (or maybe it was an act of God). We were marching, and missed a step and ended up tripping him.....not on purpose though. He screamed and yelled at me. He has always thrown temper-tantrums like a two year old. I would never trip someone on purpose because I am so not like that. He called me a little twerp, which didn't bother me at all. After that I became one of the most popular people in band.
1995- My band and I were at Cedar Point marching in a parade. I was the Cymbal Player for that year, which means that I have to march backwards so the drummer can play them. We get to the last song and nearly to the end of the parade. Well, I never reached the end. I was minding my own business and all of the sudden, everything went black. I woke up seconds later to find myself on my ass on the pavement, with a swollen left arm and a sore neck. My cymbals were laying right beside me. I got up and walked behind the band. I couldn't understand what the hell had happened. When the parade was over, I walked over to my snare-drummer, Mitch, the one that I had to hold the cymbals for, had this huge smirk on his face along with rest of the band. My band teacher asked me if I was okay, I told him 'yes', and asked what had happened. He told me that I backed into him because he walked into my path. So technically this was his fault, and not the act of "Nicole the Klutz".
1997- I was working for Target in Food Avenue. I was carrying a tray of ice to the counter to throw in the ice bin. Well, unknown to me, the floor was wet and I slipped and landed on my knees. Of course, the customer and his son saw what had happened. He asked if I was okay, but I was still embarrassed. Then I few weeks later I slipped on some oil that someone had spilled on the floor and went flying. I caught the swinging door and my abdomen got twisted like a bath towel. People saw that too.
2008- I was carrying laundry down to the basement at my apartment complex. I thought that I had reached the landing and I fell instead. It turned out that I missed 3 steps. Thankfully this time no one saw me.
I have lived a life full of embarrassing moments. I think I am one of the few people that can actually look back and laugh about them.
|Response to leading entry: "Invalid Entry"
First of all, I don't have any kind of relationship with my biological mother. I can't say that I envy other girls because they know what it's like to have a mother and do mother-daughter things with each other, and I don't. So therefore, I don't care. I have tried to extend an olive branch out to that woman who gives herself that exhalted title of "Mom". That witch burned down every chance that she ever had with me. My sister Sheila can't understand for the life of her why I can't get along with her and why I don't want anything to do with her. She thinks that I am being a callous bitch for not wanting a relationship with Belinda. She will never understand what I went through. I have told her everything that Belinda has done to me over the years, and she can't see the light. I am sure Jill has told Sheila what I have gone through. Jill and Molly are the only sisters that understand why I can't talk or have a relationship with Belinda. Sheila thinks that I am "lost". I think she is the one who is lost, and needs to figure things out for herself. She is also under the belief that I shouldn't have children because I have too many issues concerning Belinda, and that I would probably be a horrible mother to my own children, simply because I can't deal with my tantrum-throwing niece, Jazlyn. Okay, it's different when you have your own kids. Jazlyn is an out of control brat with no manners, who doesn't listen to anyone. What does Sheila know about who I am? Nothing. After I graduated from high school, I rarely saw her. So how does she know who I am, or what kind of mother I will be to my own children? She doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. She is most definately the one who is lost.
|Ever since I came down with this upper respiratory infection, my upper molars have been bothering me. They hurt when I chew food on the right side of my mouth. It's making me completely miserable. I am scheduled to go to the dentist on Friday, hopefully they can solve this problem. It's even causing an earache and a headache, and my jaw to hurt. My sister thinks that I might have a cracked or broken tooth. The tooth doesn't react to hot or cold, just when I chew there's a ton of pain and pressure. Food even gets caught up there, and when I drink citrus or anything acidic, it stings. The gum area surrounding this tooth gets swollen too. I can't really tell which tooth is the cause of all of this trouble. Because all of the surrounding teeth get irritated too. I am praying that this is something that can be taken care of that day, or at least offer me some kind of relief.
|Response to Leading Entry: "Hobo Stew"
I have never even heard of "Hobo Stew". I might have to try it sometime. My grandmother is the same way with chili, beef stew, and other soups. She tells me that she doesn't have recipes for anything that she makes, and just tells me approximately what and how much she uses for her soups and stews. I love to cook chili and soups because you can make a lot of it and have leftovers for a few days. It's always better the next day too. When I make chili, I like to make jalepeno cornbread with cheddar cheese in it. Yum!
|Reponse to Leading Entry: "Invalid Entry"
I love video games. I don't have any video gaming systems right now or any on my computer. When I was a teenager, video games took up half of my life practically, lol! Now, I just don't have time for them. Maybe eventually. When I get a new computer. This one doesn't crash as much as it used to because of the antivirus stuff that I ordered for it, but I would prefer to get a new computer, only because this one already has so much crap on it to begin with. One of the games that used to frustrate me was Zelda or the Mario Bros. games. Some of the levels were just annoying to me for some reason. I prefer the games that require more thought and make me think more. I don't like games that are too easy. I love a good challenge.
|I just found out that one of my all-time favorite actors, Patrick Swayze, has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He's only 55 years old, and it comes as quite a shock to see someone as young and as fit as he is to be diagnosed with something as fatal as pancreatic cancer. My prayers are with Patrick and his family.
|In repsonse to leading entry: "How I behave around different people"
I guess I act the same no matter what people I am around, or where I am at. I always act like myself no matter what. I don't act fake or different around specific people. If they don't like who I am, then that's their problem. I don't feel that I need to put on a show to please someone else. What you see, is what you get. Like it or not. It's not like I behave inappropriately or anything. I am down to earth and I tell it like it is. At least I don't act like I am from outerspace. If you can't be yourself, then that means that you are embarrassed about who you really are. I don't hold back on anything. Plain and simple. Well, except for how I dress, but that's a whole different story, and has nothing to do with the way that I act. I attain a professional demeanor at work and don't get an attitude when I am there. I do with Sheila, but she doesn't count because she's my sister. We're sisters and we fight.
|In response to leading entry: "Invalid Entry"
I don't make it a habit to post full stories in my blog. If I wanted to do that I could just simply create a static item for this. I do have an opinion about fishing though. I think fishing can be a neat sport. When I was a child I used to like fishing, but now that I am an adult I kind of hate it. It's fine if you are fishing for the purpose of food, but to hook them in the mouth and throw them back is kind of cruel to me. I don't know why I feel bad about this kind of thing. I guess it's just me.
|My response to leading entry: "Crying Children"
I would have to say that one of the most annoying things in the world is a screaming or crying child in public, sometimes it's the parents that are more irritating than the children, only because they make no effort whatsoever to calm the screaming child down. I understand that there are circumstances where a child can't help it when they cry, either because of an ear infection, illness (such as a cold or influenza), teething, injuries, big brother/sister is picking on or hitting them. Then I have to feel bad for the poor tykes. The only time that it's unacceptable is when they are being a spoiled brat because they can't get what they want, or the parent is being an asshole to the child (in this case, I would have to blame the parents for both of these things). I have witnessed this a million times while working in retail, or being just a typical shopper. There have been numerous times that I have left a public place with a migraine because of an unruly child. You can try and get away from the chaos, but I have found out that it doesn't do any good, because the noise travels everywhere in the store. The only remedy that I have for this problem is just to leave the area. It isn't enough to make me not want to have children, it's something that I still want. I am a true believer in that it's all in how children are raised and how they are going to act in public places.
|Maybe it's no trouble at all. Lastnight there was a scuffle between Max and Jezebel (my two cats). I heard this screech from one of my cats. I am suspecting that Jezebel attacked Max, because Max had these sections of fur hanging off of his neck area. I don't know if they were play-fighting, or fight-fighting. Am I worrying for nothing? Is this a normal interaction between the two cats? Is it playing or fighting? Should I take Jezebel back to her foster parent? I don't want to. They seem to tolerate each others presence, except for that thing lastnight. They lay on the same bed with each other, not really close, but they do sleep in the same areas. On the other hand, when Jezebel tries to approach Max, he will run away like he's intimidated or scared of her. At other times I see them teasing each other. I am only worried because Max wouldn't sleep in my bedroom lastnight when Jezebel was on the bed with me. Then when I tried to putting Jezebel out of my room, and keeping Max in, Max would go straight for the door and paw at the crack, because Jezebel would be clawing at it to try and get in. I got so annoyed with both of them, that I locked both of them out of my bedroom for the rest of the evening. Am I making too much out of this situation between to the two cats? It's been nearly two weeks. Nothing extreme has happened between the two cats where blood has been shed. Plus, I still favor Max over the other kitty. She is lovable and very affectionate, but she likes to pick on. Max seems very sensitive and I don't want any of what's happened between these two to where that changes his sweet personality. HELP! I NEED ADVICE OR REASSURANCE!
|When my sister and niece came home, my niece came right up to me and wanted me to draw pictures with her, and she sat on my lap too. I also told Sheila that I do not see Jazlyn as a burden. I never have. I just get frustrated sometimes with the things that she does. I like spending time with my niece, contrary to popular belief by others. I just wish Sheila would realize that I need my space, which includes peace and quiet time. That's all that I ask for.
I am still sick from whatever this is. My ears are now plugged up and are starting to hurt a little bit, and one nostril is also starting to plug up. I hope there is some type of improvement tomorrow when I wake up in the morning. The coughing has become more nagging than it was yesterday. I bought some Riccola drops and they help a little, plus I also bought some Edy's Real Fruit Bars to help with the coughing and sore throat, and some orange juice to help my immune system. Hopefully this will put an end to some of my misery.
|I can't remember how the fight between Sheila and I started. All I know is that it was over something really stupid. The main thing is that we appologized to each other, even though I was the one that had to appologize first, even if it wasn't my fault. I can't remember whose fault it was. It's both of our faults. I need to find full time and permanent work, ASAP, and get my own place. It's not that we don't love each other, it's the fact that we are sisters and sisters are never a good mix as far as living arrangements are concerned. We would get along a lot better if we weren't around each other all of the time. We both work, but 8 hours isn't even enough separation from each other. Well, I am not working anymore as of today. Hopefully I can find something else soon. It's nice to have peace and quiet away from everything.
I have to go out today to buy some toilet paper, Riccola throat drops for the nagging cough, and probably a few other things to speed up my recovery. Then I have to find a gas station whose air pump isn't broken so I can put air in the rear tire. Hopefully all of this won't take too much time, and I can get everything done before we get slammed by nasty weather again.
|Sheila and I got into another fight. This time it was really epic. I need to find something permanent.....and fast. Sheila called me a bad aunt. She says that I treat Jazlyn like shit, which I don't. Oh yeah, because I discipline her, I am being a shitty aunt. Sheila refuses to discipline her, and lets her get away with everything. Sheila also called me bipolar, and Belinda. She told me that I have all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I researched it several times, as far as the symptoms are concerned. I have come to the conclusion that I do not have bipolar or any other mental illness. I told her that she wasn't a doctor, and she goes, "Yes I am!" If that isn't a symptom of being delusional, I don't know what is. If you ask me, she has been the one acting mental, not me. I have to admit, I have said some pretty hurtful things during our fight tonight. Sheila also told me that she hopes that I never have children, because I wouldn't know how to raise them. I told her that raising my own children would be different from raising Jazlyn, and she said that it wouldn't be because Jazlyn is like my child because she is my flesh and blood because I am her aunt. She told me that she hopes that I commit suicide, and that I die before I realize it's too late to change my mind. If I was mentally ill, I wouldn't feel the remorse I feel for saying certain things to her, and for fighting with her in front of my niece. I love my niece to pieces, and no one realizes this. I may get irritated with the things that she does, I don't hate or dislike her. I love her like you wouldn't believe. I adore her. Is it asking too much for alone time, when I don't want to be bothered after I get home from a long day at work? Sheila suggested that I go to my room, but there's nothing to do in there. I don't have internet or even a television in there. I am frazzled, and I feel like curling up and dying. I am very hurt by this whole situation. I feel crappy and drained.
****We made up and appologized to eachother, and I told her that I didn't want her to die, and she said that she didn't want me to die either. Sheila and I are just two overly sensitive people. I don't feel that either one of us are mentally ill.....just frustrated with life in general.
|I am sitting here on my last day of work. I think I will be leaving at 3pm today. I have done nothing but sit here. It's as exciting as watching water boil. I would stick around until 4:45pm, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Plus I am not feeling that well anyway. Now I just threw up! It must be from the sinus drainage or something.
|I am not in panic mode yet. My premium membership expires on April 15, so I have a little over a month to go. I am, however, a little worried. My assignment ends today with the mortgage company, and I don't know how long it will be before I find something else. The school always calls me when I am already working.......which doesn't help at all. Then when I am not doing anything, I never receive a call. That kind of defeats the purpose in that regard. I am looking forward to having at least a few days off, and having time off from the little demon-spawn niece.
Sheila and I got into another spat lastnight. I am so sick of her shit. Lastnight, I put a bag on the counter that I had discarded an empty container in. I was still in the kitchen about to throw it away, and Sheila comes in and immediately jumps in my shit about it. I snapped and cursed at her, and told her that I was about to throw the damn thing away. She called me a btich for flying off of the handle, and I told her to go screw off. Now she can really forget about me ever watching Jazlyn. Even if the little hell-spawn is sick and can't go to daycare, then Sheila is just going to have to miss a day of work, because I won't do it. Just because I live there, doesn't mean that I am obligated to fall to her every command. Nobody likes Sheila, because she's always so bitchy and bossy. Another reason why the men in her life don't stick around. I need to find something permanent so I can move out. This is almost worse than living with Jerry. I said almost, but not quite. No more favors for Sheila. This is what happens when people call me names and hurt my feelings. They don't get any help from me whatsoever. I just hate how Sheila expects special treatment from everyone, all because she spread her legs and got herself knocked up. She acts like everyone owes her. I think her allergy to latex is all a lie. And if she knew that she had a latex allergy, then why the fuck didn't she go on birth control? As you can see, this living situation is making my life a living hell. I love my sister, but that doesn't mean that I have to bow down to her and kiss her ass. Let her walk on someone else! I am way too stressed out to deal with Sheila's and Jazlyn's shit. I need my own life and my own place.
|I have been sick since last week and it's starting to get on my nerves. It started off as a sore throat, and then mild congestion......which went on for several days, and now, I am hacking my brains out. I think the infection has spread to my lungs. Which means it will linger on and on. I even have pain in my forehead and facial bones. Everytime I cough, I bring up yellowish phlegm. *UGH* I only wish it would go away soon.
|Well, my time at the mortgage company ends tomorrow. It was nice while it lasted. This has been the easiest 4 weeks and 2 days working for any employer, lol. At least I was given notice. I am glad that Sheila is working, and dumps Jazlyn off at daycare. Sheila better not even think about asking me to watch her. That will be a definate 'NO' that rolls off of my tongue, if she even asks. I need peace and quiet from that little hell-spawn. I rarely get that. Especially after yesterday. Hopefully, I find something quick. It sucks to not be working. And in just a few weeks the snow will almost be out of here, and I can relocate to another city if I want.
|Oh why, Oh why, can't I have some peace and quiet for a change? Yesterday was the day from hell when Jazlyn came home. I want to bond and gag her, and put her in a corner. She was terrible yesterday. The first thing she did to me was come up and hit me, which pissed me off. She is almost three years old, and should know better by now, not to be hitting people, along with some other things that she should know better not to do. I told Sheila about it and of course she disciplined her by smacking her and putting her in time-out. Then after Jazlyn was allowed to come out of time-out, she went up to Max and pulled his tail.......then went up to Jezebel and smacked her, which in turn Jezebel smacked her back, which to me, was a funny site to see. Jazlyn then proceeded to talk back and swear at Sheila, and she even told me to 'shut-up', Sheila overheard this and put her back in time-out. Then later on, Jazlyn started to wander aimlessly through the house, and even made herself dizzy and fell down. Later that night against my rules, she went into my room, when the door was closed, and started to harrass the cats, hitting them with a stick. I told her to get out of my room, and being the mouthy little brat she is, she told me to shut-up. This all comes from not having a father figure in her life. I blame most of this on Dan, the dead-beat dad. All I can say is, that I can't stand living with my niece any longer. The main core of the problem is Jazlyn, not Sheila. I need my own place, and privacy. It will be another few months or so before I can even think about getting my own place. I am going to see if I can get a place of my own in the complex that I am living in now. I would like to still be on the third floor if I can. I like the complex that I am living in. I need my peace and so do my cats. They need to know that they can roam the apartment safely without my niece harrassing them all of the time.
Oh, I still want children, just not any that act like Jazlyn. I feel that Jazlyn is going to grow up as a delinquent. Probably get into trouble, fighting with other kids, and probably get knocked up at a young age. She will be one of those wild and out of control kids that you see on Maury or something. It's been my experience that children who act like her, they usually sleep around and have other behavioral problems like smoking and drinking. By that time rolls around, I will be long moved into my own place and most likely have my own children to worry about. I feel bad for Sheila though, with all of the problems she will face with Jazlyn when she grows up. It's not a definate that Jazlyn will turn out like that. For her sake and Sheila's sake, I hope she doesn't. Look at me, and the kind of life I had growing up, and I turned out just fine as an adult. I am going to keep praying for my niece, and hope that she straightens out.