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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Unfortunately I am not doing any better than last night and I did jinx myself when it came to sleep because I had an absolutely horrible night. I felt so sick and then got restless legs and just couldn't fall asleep. As a result, I am exhausted today. It is 6pm and I haven't napped. I will try not to nap! I went into town and spent way too much money. But I needed to just do something like that as stress relief. And it's not like I do that on a regular basis... I don't need to justify spending money! I don't know why I feel like I do. I am generally very good with money so it is fine to spend some every now and then. There I go again, trying to justify it unnecessarily. I think I just feel guilty for spending money I haven't earned. I can't STAND being unemployed. It is soul-destroying. Argh! Moving on... I have a major pet peeve. I don't know if this is due to my Asperger Syndrome but I find it really annoying when people talk just for the sake of it. I don't mean small talk, which I also really hate but can see serves some kind of purpose, I just mean senseless talking that doesn't have any point to it! For example, when my mum came in the other day she asked, "Where's Jade?" Well, my mum came in the front door, passing through the hall and kitchen, into the living room where the back garden is visible through the huge glass doors. Jade clearly wasn't in the hall, kitchen, living room or garden so obviously she was upstairs! It's not like the dog can just take herself out of her own accord! So why did my mum ask? I don't know. It was a pointless question and it irritated the hell out of me.  And another thing my mum does that irritates me is to say hello to me every time she comes in the damn room! So she might come home from work and say hello, which is fine. Then she'll go upstairs, get changed and come back in the room and say hello again. Why?! We have already greeted each other. I know she's in the house. She knows I'm in the house. There is no need to greet each other again! Argh! I feel like a horrible person for getting annoyed at stuff like this, but I can't help it. My mum just annoys me. There, I've said it. I blame her for my situation and I know that isn't entirely fair, but again, I can't help it. However, just for the record, I do love my mum! Moving on from this too...I'm having such a shit time at the moment. I've got positive stuff to blog about but I just can't bring myself to. I can't get myself out of this negative frame of mind. Everything is irritating to me at the moment and I just want to be alone all the time. I desperately, desperately need to move out of this house but I can't see it ever being a possibility. I can't get the thought out of my head that I have ruined my life and that it is beyond repair. That absolutely terrifies me. That's the thought that is going to send me over the edge. I have tried for years to fix my life and I have gotten nowhere. But I need to stop thinking about this now. I need to stop blogging. There is too much crap going on in my head right now and I can't escape it. I am so overwhelmed. I know I haven't been great at commenting on blogs recently but I want people to know I'm still reading.  I will comment when I can. I know it's nice to receive comments so I try to keep up with it but I am having a pretty hard time communicating at the moment. I guess I'm just too deep in my head right now! |
I feel sooooooo nauseous and have for a few days now. I thought it was down to overeating but now I think it's because of a new medication I have started. I am taking antibiotics. I have some red patches on my face that have been bothering me. They are small, faint and not noticeable to anyone but me but now that I have noticed them, I can't not notice them. Gotta love my obsessive mind! My doctor thinks it is either acne or rosacea. I think it's the latter because after reading up on it, almost all of the symptoms fit, including the stuff I read on associated eye problems. Plus, I've known several people with acne and my skin looks nothing like theirs. Double plus, I don't want acne because I feel like I'm about 12 years too old to have it!  I know anyone can get it but it is, of course, a condition mostly associated with teenagers. I don't want rosacea either obviously, especially as there is no cure for it... the medication is just to manage it. Urgh.I know it is irrational but I blame my eating disorder for my skin problems. I blame everything on that these days. I used to have nice skin. Now I have an eating disorder plus dry, red, patchy skin. So in my mind the two things are connected. If I didn't have an eating disorder, I would still have nice skin. My eating disorder has made me ugly. I have never been attractive, but now I am actually ugly. My face is gaunt and I have lines from where I lost weight too quickly. I look about 100 years old. My body is too bony (though my legs remain stubbornly fat). I want to put on weight but I am terrified of putting on weight. I'm so stuck! I have waaaaaaay overeaten again... except maybe I haven't. Because I keep going on and on and on about how I constantly overeat but I haven't put on any weight... at all. My weight fluctuates between 5 stone 12 and 6 stone 1, but that is not gaining weight. I have probably been moaning for weeks now about overeating but all the evidence shows me that I am not overeating. I have a science degree. I look for evidence. I examine it. And I take in what it is telling me. Except with this, I can't. So I am still panicking about overeating when I know I'm not overeating. This is crazy, crazy, crazy. I know it! I am sorry if this entry is scattered... I am losing my mind, to be honest. My mental breakdowns always coincide with weekends and bank holidays so I can't really access any help, though I feel like I need it. The out of hours guy I spoke to yesterday said he would email my care coordinator but obviously he won't get that message until Tuesday. I love how they think people only get ill during office hours. From now on I will try to schedule my breakdowns during office hours. You think I would have learned my lesson by now! I wish I didn't feel so sick. Dizzy too. I don't know what's causing that. I might try sleeping soon. I have been taking Lorazepam. My psychiatrist prescribed it for me to help me deal with anxiety because I have to wait two weeks before starting my new medication, Moclobemide. This is because Moclobemide can interact with Citalopram, which is what I've been taking for the last couple of months. The Lorazepam does nothing for my anxiety beyond completely knocking me out. I took one on Thursday night, I think, and one last night. They make me feel horrible but they help me sleep. I won't need to take one tonight because I can tell it is still in my system from last night... I think I will be able to sleep quite easily. Hope I haven't just jinxed myself! Haha, I feel so drugged up! I vowed when I first started seeking help for my depression that I wouldn't allow myself to get drugged up but that has obviously gone out the window! Oh well... I wonder if my craziness tonight is a reaction to coming off the Citalopram? I didn't think it was doing anything... I am so grateful for this blog. I don't know what I'd do without this outlet. I can't believe how revealing I have been in here though. Should I be worried about that? I feel so rough! Overeating? Medication? I don't know. I hope I don't wake up fat tomorrow. I feel like I will. I am so crazy tonight. Sorry! |
| So... I just called the mental health service out of hours line to get some help and guess what the guy advised? Take a bath A bath?! Who knew it was so simple? In mental distress? Take a bath! Bathing... the cure for mental health problems! But he did also advise me to go to A & E and when I asked what can they do he responded with, "give you medication to lift your mood". Just like that, hey? They have magic pills or something at A & E? That also made me chuckle. Okay, so the out of hours line is just there to provide a comedy service for light relief, obviously. How ridiculous! Right, I'm off to take a bath... even though I've showered twice today. Can't wait to scrub this depression and anxiety off and watch it drain away down the plughole. |
| Can you imagine this happening: Diabetes patient rings up their diabetes healthcare team Patient: Hi, I am not feeling too well with my diabetes. I am having trouble stabilising my blood sugar and I need more support with my diet. I really need some help now. Healthcare worker: Okay, your next appointment is June 10th, that's just over two weeks away. Patient: Yeah, but I need help now. Healthcare worker: Okay, well, just look forward to that appointment on the 10th, is that okay? My advice is to go to A & E if things get unbearable. This just wouldn't happen! Why? Because people with diabetes can access specialist help to ensure they are staying well and managing their condition. Why would they go to A & E when their specialist healthcare team is better suited to help them? They would not have to wait over two weeks if their health problem needed urgent attention. Why, then, does this constantly happen with mental health services? Why do they constantly pass the buck? I just had a conversation very much like the above one there with my care coordinator, except of course I was talking about a mental health problem, not a physical one. I need help now. Now. Not in just over two weeks. Now. I don't know how else to say it, to it express it. I have begged and begged and begged. It is humiliating. It is draining. It is soul-destroying. I could go to A & E but for what? I know exactly what! They'll direct me back to the mental health team because they are the frigging specialists, supposedly, and the whole damn cycle can start over again. I completely understand now why people make half-serious (for want of a better term) suicide attempts. They don't want to die but that is the only way to get people to actually take notice. Why should I have to risk my life to show the professionals how badly I feel and how badly I need help? I am so close to the edge, honestly. I feel panicked. I had an appointment with the eating disorder team ten days ago and it didn't go well, which is why my already fragile mental health has deteriorated further. Basically they think I am too depressed to benefit from eating disorder treatment but I have another appointment on the 10th to convince them otherwise. At least that's what I think that appointment is for. They told my care coordinator that the way I "presented" in the appointment makes them concerned my depression is too severe right now. But I wasn't "presenting" that way because of my depression. I was "presenting" that way because of my Asperger Syndrome. But I will get around this. I'm determined. I have written everything down for my next appointment. But that appointment is too far away. And I keep telling everyone I need help NOW and nobody is listening. So it's good I have a strategy in place to help me deal with that next appointment but right now I'm not sure I will be alive by then. My life is torture right now and I don't have the strength to stick around much longer. I am tired of constantly begging for help and getting nowhere. I don't know if I should give one more effort to get help or should I just give up on that now? When should I just accept that they won't help me? I don't want to accept it because that means my only options are to try and live like this, which I can't do, or die, which I don't want to do. What would you do in this situation? Should I go to A & E? (That stands for Accident & Emergency, by the way, and is the emergency department of the hospital). I don't want to go there. The thought of going there makes me feel sick with anxiety. I don't know what to do. I might just go and buy some wrapping paper for the presents I've bought for my sister (it's her birthday tomorrow) and then I might go to sleep. I will just force everything down, down, down and try to pretend that I'm a healthy person and not someone who is extremely close to taking their life. I won't kill myself this weekend though -- I wouldn't do that to my sister. I do apologise to anyone reading this. I am very distressed right now. I'm not asking anything of anyone. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. Hopefully I will feel calmer soon. Trying to push it all away might help for me. I'll go on autopilot for a bit, I think. I'm going to go out and be normal. Might delete this entry when I get back! |
| I haven't blogged for nine days apparently! I've been busy on and offline. Plus my health has been pretty bad and I just haven't felt like blogging really. On WDC I've just finished helping to judge the official contest for April and that was hard work. I don't think reviewing is ever going to be an easy process for me but it is especially difficult when trying to cope with various mental health problems at the same time! I'm still quite busy and dealing with health crap so am a bit behind with stuff here. I know I have some emails to catch up on so please bear with me. Anyway, I wanted to blog because I just found out something awesome! But I'll get to that in a moment... One of my biggest regrets in life is not studying psychology at University. I did plan to. I studied psychology at A level and it was my favourite subject and by far the one I was best at (I was on target to get an A grade for it, which I did end up achieving despite being severely depressed). When it came to applying for university I picked out six psychology and neuroscience courses and wrote my personal statement. Then, right at the last moment I had a major panic, which went something like this: psychology is all about people. I'm crap with people. How can I possibly have a career where I have to deal with people all the time? So I changed all my courses to Animal Science related ones and ended up studying Animal Biology and Conservation. This isn't quite as mad as it sounds because before I'd decided I wanted to study psychology, I had wanted to be a vet. When I got depressed I lost interest in pursuing this and dropped chemistry, a subject I would have needed to get into vet school. So studying an animal-related course seemed logical at the time. But... I have just found out that it is possible to get a Masters degree in psychology even if you don't have a psychology undergraduate degree!  How is this possible? Well, they are called conversion courses and they are specifically for people who want to become psychologists but don't have a psychology undergraduate degree.  I thought I would never be able to study psychology, because funding and completing a second undergraduate degree just isn't feasible, but now I can see it is perfectly possible! If I can get my health situation sorted out, then I can get my employment and financial situation sorted and then maybe, just maybe, I can do a Masters degree in psychology.How awesome is that?! For now I think I am going to continue to pursue the environmental education career path but I love that psychology is still an option for me. I'm pretty overwhelmed by this right now, to be honest. I wish, wish, wish I was in better health because if I was, I would apply for one of these courses in a heartbeat... But who knows what the future holds? |
| You know what, I am so sad tonight. Although I suffer from severe depression I try very, very hard not to be self-pitying and I try not to think in terms of "life's not fair" etc... but sometimes I can't help it and right now I can't help it. I know I moan a lot in my blog but I like to think there is a difference between offloading about how stressful it is to feel so down all the time and complaining about how everything seems so unfair. I don't think I do the latter too often but if I do, feel free to give me a virtual slap because I don't want to be that person. But sometimes I just have to concede that my life isn't fair; I don't have any luck; nothing works out for me. I am doing everything I can to get better and change my life and for what? Nothing. I make no progress. Everything stays the same. I attend all my appointments, I take my medication, I constantly try to express to the professionals what I am going through and what I need help with (though still get told I'm not communicating my needs!) I force myself to continue with my voluntary work and I force myself to exercise because I get told these things will benefit me, even though they are not benefiting me. I recognise that my present situation -- being unemployed and living at home -- is contributing to my depression so I am battling to change it. I job search almost all the time. I put everything into my applications. I prepare, prepare, prepare for interviews. But nothing. And obviously I can't change my housing situation until I change my work situation. But I can't change my work situation because nobody will give me a chance. But then I don't even know if I can hold down a job, as much as I desperately want to, because my mental health is so bad and that makes me even more depressed and makes me feel that I am going to be stuck in this hopeless situation forever. During these years of unemployment since I graduated, my confidence has slowly trickled away and now I have none. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I used to be so sure of everything -- I used to be sure of myself. Now I feel like I have no identity and I can't stand it. I feel like I am watching the world from a bubble that I can't escape from. I see the life I want but I can't get to it. And that is pure torture. I told my care coordinator today that I just want to be a normal person and we got locked into an irritating and unhelpful discussion about what "normal" means. I don't express myself well verbally but what I was trying to say was that I just want the things most people want -- job, house, family, social life, health. I told him I want to be a functioning member of society and found myself in another pedantic conversation about what "functioning" means (my care coordinator is the most pedantic person I have ever met!) He thinks I am functioning because I can get to my appointments etc. If I wasn't totally inept at verbal communication I would have been able to explain that I'm not functioning at a level that is acceptable to me. I hate verbal communication.  I wish I could communicate in writing instead of having to talk to people. When I saw my doctor yesterday I said I feel like I should just give up and he responded immediately with "that's not an option". But what are my options? I don't feel like I have any. I do want to give up but I don't know what that means exactly -- give up on trying to get better? Give up on life? I'm too tired to think about what the consequences of giving up would be. I have my appointment with the eating disorder team next week and then a care review meeting with my psychiatrist and care coordinator the week after. I think I'll wait to see what the outcome of those are before I decide to give up. I don't know.  I don't know if I'm making sense. Everything feels so mixed up tonight. |
| I have had such a terrible day! I didn't get much sleep last night. I also cried a lot last night for no apparent reason, which hasn't happened to me in a long time. So I woke up with sore and puffy eyes. I forced myself to go to the RDA and I wish I hadn't because it was awful! The indoor school was ridiculously dusty -- there was actually a visible cloud of dust floating about and the more we walked round the school, the bigger the dust cloud got. Everyone was suffering, including the horses. I coughed so much I gave myself a headache. The lesson should have finished early, in my opinion. I was leading Murphy and his behaviour was even worse than usual -- the worst it has ever been. I thought maybe the dust was getting to him too but I've just remembered he started being a monster before we even reached the school. I was leading him down and he suddenly swerved and pulled me over to this big hay bale, helping himself to a huge mouthful. I was furious at his bad manners and sheer impudence so yanked him away, sternly told him off and pulled as much of it from him as I could get. It wasn't his hay! Then he did it again a bit further up, this time snatching hay up from the floor. He's quite a small pony but he is extremely strong and I'm not exactly at the peak of physical fitness right now, so if he wants to do something like that there is not a whole lot I can do to prevent it. But again I told him off and pulled as much of the hay from his mouth as I could. Now I'm wondering if his behaviour in the lesson was his way of getting revenge on me for taking away his snack! So throughout the lesson the little menace kept forcefully tossing his head up and down, to the point where I could barely keep hold him. He also kept walking really fast, much too close to the horse in front, so I had to work to hold him back the whole time. He kept trying to bite me, much more than usual and he tried to strike me with one of his front legs a fair few times as well. That's new. I hope that isn't going to become a regular Murphy behaviour. He made me anxious today, to be honest, and I could really feel his strength when it was time to trot. I struggled to hold him back and I thought if he really wanted to, he could easily just charge off with a child on his back and I would not be able to stop him. At the end of the lesson I asked A----- to take Murphy back to untack him because I'd had enough and there was no way I was taking him out to the field with him in that kind of mood. I find letting him off in the field pretty scary anyway, even when he's being docile. Not that he's ever particularly docile! So I stayed to help tidy up the school -- yep, I preferred to remain in the dust chamber than deal with Murphy! Anyway, when I saw A------ afterwards her hand was bleeding. Murphy bit her! I felt a tad guilty... but not too much! I'm glad he didn't manage to bite me today. Or kick me. Or hurt me in any way beyond leaving me with aching muscles. I used to like horses but I don't anymore thanks to Murphy. I was still coughing a lot when I got back but I tried to walk Jade straight away while I still had some energy. That was a mistake because she has become afraid of coughing in recent months and unfortunately I rather traumatised her. I cut our walk short, got home and put all my clothes straight in the washing machine. Then I washed my hair. I just wanted to get rid of as much of the dust as possible and that did seem to work. I wasn't coughing as much after that and it has since settled down, thankfully, though my chest aches a bit. This afternoon I was supposed to have an appointment with someone from the work programme to talk through my interview but she'd had a family emergency and gone home, not thinking to ask anyone to call me. I tried not to feel annoyed under the circumstances but I couldn't help it. I'd rushed to get there on time, was already extremely stressed and exhausted and then had to pay £1.40 for parking unnecessarily! I felt kind of tearful as I drove back home. I was just so stressed and weary. This evening hasn't been much better because I have way overeaten again. I guess I comfort eat sometimes. I'm still concerned that my Anorexia has morphed into a binge-eating disorder.  I haven't really been putting on weight though so perhaps I'm not eating as much as I think I am. But I hate the loss of control -- it feels terrifying. I just want to be normal around food again! And I am sorry for constantly going on about food. I seriously hope I'll be able to get to sleep tonight. I can't handle another sleepless night, especially after a day like today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. It couldn't be much worse! |
| I keep trying to write a blog entry and then I keep deleting it because I don't know what to say anymore. I am struggling so badly right now. My eating... again. My depression... again. My anxiety... again. My insomnia... again. I am so, so, sick of it all. I have eaten so much today and most of it junk. I've had two giant cookies, two chocolate bars, two scones. Plus my dinner! I think I've had nearly 2000 calories, if not more, and I don't know if that is too much. It feels like an obscene amount. Damn those delicious 300+ calorie scones! My mum buys them each Sunday and I can never resist them. I'm so tired of this restrict-binge cycle I'm stuck in. Don't ever get an eating disorder! Honestly, if your eating ever becomes even a little bit disordered then get help immediately. Unless you are in the UK, in which case there is no point because they won't help you anyway. It is shocking how quickly it can spiral out of control. I used to eat whenever I was hungry and I used to eat whatever I felt like eating. In the space of a few months I have gotten to where I can't tell if I am hungry or full, where I freak out if I eat more than 1200 calories, where I sometimes eat to a point where I feel sick, where I can never tell what I feel like eating anymore but just try to decide what to eat based on how many calories I've already had etc, where I know the calorie amount of hundreds of different foods. And there is so much more I can't even bring myself to blog about... that I can't even tell Mark about. But enough of talking about this because I am so ridiculously bored of it dominating my life. I'm so pissed off with my sister right now. She is staying here tonight and because I decided to go to bed earlier than her, she agreed to have Jade in her room. Jade gets severe separation anxiety and can no longer sleep alone. Usually she'll sleep in my room and I make sure she is shut in there otherwise she just wanders round the house being a nuisance and will scratch on people's bedroom doors and wake them up and do various other annoying things. But did my sister show me the same consideration and courtesy? Nope! She just left her door open and Jade kept going up and down the stairs and then she came and sniffed loudly under my door. After that she sat against it and started scratching her ear or something so my whole door was vibrating. And I was so, so close to sleeping. Now I can't sleep. Now I'm extremely stressed. My sister is so thoughtless sometimes... most of the time.I just want to be asleep right now. This day has been so boring, stressful and headachey. Sleep is the only relief I get from all this but I hardly get any anymore. Sorry for the overwhelming negativity. Sometimes I just need to throw myself a pity party!  |
| I had my interview this morning and about an hour ago I found out that I haven't got the job because of my lack of experience in this field. So the job has gone to someone who has experience in environmental education. However, the lady who called to let me know said that they could tell how passionate I am about the work, and they were very impressed with my ideas for the educational birthday party, so they would like me to volunteer with them. She actually said that she would like to help me gain the right experience. I am feeling very emotional right now. It is rather devastating to know I was so close to getting it. On the other hand, I know this is for the best. I do lack experience and I would have been out of my depth in this role. My health is still incredibly fragile and I'm not certain I could have handled the pressure of a paid job, even a part time one. This way I can work to gain the experience I need, but there is much less pressure on me. I can go at my own pace and I can try out different things and find out where my strengths lie. I would have loved to have been able to tell everyone that I finally have a job but I know deep down this is the best possible outcome for me right now and I am going to make the most of it. I am going to work extremely hard and get the skills and experience I need so when the next job opens up, I'll get it. The next one is mine! I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen! So I am trying to hold on to the positives right now. It is a massive achievement to have even gotten an interview for a role like this. The environmental field is hugely competitive and I have no experience in the educational side of things, yet they must have seen something in my application to have invited me to interview. Also, I know I gave the best interview I have ever given this morning. I gave full answers, I was engaging, I made them laugh, I successfully conveyed my passion, I impressed them with my ideas. I gave a presentation today and I didn't choke. Me! The person with major anxiety issues. The person with Asperger Syndrome who finds eye contact and verbal communication difficult. And of course it is a major positive that they haven't just written me off -- they want me to come and work with them voluntarily and they want to help me gain experience and develop my skills. They didn't have to offer me this opportunity. I am so proud of myself... but I'm not used to feeling this way! It's strange! So yeah, it's hard to be so close yet still so far, but for the first time in a long time I think I can see a way forward. I think the environmental education route is the way to go, rather than the practical conservation route I have been half-heartedly going down, knowing that it isn't really what I want to do or would even be good at it. Now I have the opportunity to test out the education route and my first taste of it -- planning a birthday party to present at my interview -- has already made me feel that this area of work would be much better suited to me. I just feel frustrated that I didn't consider this sooner and that I have been travelling down the wrong path all this time. I feel so mixed up right now and I think it is going to take me some time to regain a sense of equilibrium. I am sad and disappointed but I am also happy and have a sense of hope. How is that even possible for one person to feel such conflicting emotions? I have no idea but it absolutely is! But the glimmer of hope terrifies me because I have felt hopeless and lost for so long I am worried it will be snatched away from me somehow. Am I making sense? I don't know. I think it's time for me to shut up! I'll just end this entry by saying I have a new poem.
I'm not too sure how I feel about this one! I experimented with the nonsense form, which isn't something I have ever really done before, and I can't tell if it worked or not. I seem to like it a little more each time I read it though! Whether it worked or not, I think it's good to be experimental sometimes. Anyway, now I'm really going! |
| Day 1,000,001 of my epic binge-fest... I am now the size of a whale. Haha! Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating... just a little. Actually, since I started eating way too much, I have only put on a pound. Is that proof of how crazy my metabolism is, or is my perception of overeating ridiculously warped? I think it's a bit of both, to be honest. The good news is I have now eaten most of the food in the house... the junky stuff anyway. So if I can resist buying more of it tomorrow I should be able to go back to normal eating... well, normal for me. I really, really hope so because I am becoming seriously concerned that I am replacing my Anorexia Nervosa with a binge-eating disorder. This past week or so has been so distressing. Today I didn't go to the first session back after Easter at the RDA because I couldn't face it. I was so exhausted from not being able to sleep and felt very anxious and depressed. I must, must, must make an effort to go next week though as I will not be able to go on the 13th and the longer I leave it to go back, the harder it will become. I feel bad about letting them down but they normally have more than enough volunteers so hopefully I didn't leave them shorthanded. This afternoon I had an appointment with someone from the new work program I'm having to do. She was supposed to be looking over my CV, which was a bit of an irritation because my CV has helped me to get at least 3 interviews recently. In fact, I think I have gotten an interview for every job I've applied for using my CV. So I don't need help with it and I certainly won't be making any changes to it! But anyway, that turned out fine because we just ended up discussing my interview instead. She read through my presentation notes and loved my party ideas so much she asked if she could photocopy them in order to play the games with her grandchildren. Is there any higher praise than that?! That gave me such a boost. Some other feedback she gave me was that I need to make much more eye contact and smile more. Surprisingly I am okay at eye contact and smiling in interviews though so I don't think that will be a problem. I'm just not so good at it in situations that feel a bit unpredictable to me. Tomorrow I have no appointments thankfully so I am going to put the finishing touches to my presentation and start practising it. I am also going to think about and prepare answers to potential questions. What more can I do? I always work so, so hard before my interviews. I think it's about time that hard work paid off! |
| I'm so sad. My insomnia has been awful recently, but tonight has been particularly bad. I've had a long, busy day and feel exhausted, yet still I can't sleep. And I have a long, busy day tomorrow too and really need to get some rest if I'm going to be able to face it. It is almost 3am here in the UK and I have to be up at 8:30am. I'm trying not to worry about it because I know that will make it even harder to sleep, but I can't help it. Getting out of bed in the morning has been so difficult for me the past few days. Today has been really crap. I felt suicidal over my eating again last night so wanted to see my doctor today. But I felt self-conscious about making another appointment with him seeing as I only saw him last week, and he asked to see me in two weeks, not one. I know he'd be totally fine with me going sooner but my pride won't let me! Anyway, I remembered he said I could call him if I need anything so I set my alarm early to do that and then I chickened out. I stayed up for a while but needed more sleep and was just laying in bed feeling totally depressed, unable to get back to sleep. I decided to just be brave and call the doctor so I rang the surgery only to be told the doctor isn't in today and won't be back until Thursday. Just my luck! This afternoon I had an appointment with my job centre adviser to go through my presentation for my interview. That didn't go so well. She got really caught up on giving me tips for giving a presentation, which I don't really need, when I would have preferred her to concentrate her efforts on the content of my presentation, which I personally feel is more important than the way I deliver it. Having never planned an educational children's birthday party before (or any kind of party for that matter), I just really wanted and needed some thorough feedback on it. But I didn't get that, which was very frustrating. My eating... if this doesn't change I think I could kill myself over it. I overate for three or four days. Today I restricted like crazy and would have been fine if I'd been able to sleep. But I can't. So I had to eat again. And I have now overeaten again.  So tired of this. And I've gotten into the habit of eating until I feel sick, rather than eating until I stop feeling hungry. I suppose this is what I get for starving myself for over two weeks straight. My appointment with the eating disorder team is on May 13th but that feels so far away right now.I know this is all feeling out of control because I am stressed about my interview, but knowing that doesn't make me feel better or able to change it. Can't wait until Friday is over and done with! I think I'll stop rambling now. I apologise if there are any errors in this entry -- I am very, very tired. |
| I've been thinking a lot about my interview, of course, and have been doing lots of research. I went on the organisation's website and saw that in their education department they have three paid members of staff and three volunteers. Now I am extremely paranoid that these volunteers will be interviewing for the position and that it will go to one of them. I just can't shake the feeling that I am wasting my time. I am also trying not to pin all my hopes on this job, like I did with the last one, but I can't help it and am seriously worried I won't be able to cope if I don't get it. I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow so I guess I should try to let him know that I am at a high risk of suicide if things don't work out. I think telling someone will help to make me feel a little safer. Anyway, planning this hypothetical birthday party is actually pretty fun. I visited the site today, where it is hypothetically supposed to take place, in order to get an idea of what kind of activities and games I could plan -- I mean, there is no point planning a pond-dipping activity only to be told at my interview that there is no pond there! It does have a pond, well several actually. I didn't actually see them for real but saw them marked on a map. Most of it is a woodland. I couldn't really explore it as well as I would have liked though because it was very muddy and I didn't have suitable footwear. Also, it was very isolated and I felt a bit scared that I would get lost and then chased by flesh-eating woodland demons or something... or an axe murderer. Sometimes an overactive imagination is a burden! But I'm going to try to go back on Sunday or Monday and wear my boots! I've decided to plan a party for a nine year old boy, who I have named Joey. Joey has 14 friends coming to his party, a mix of boys and girls who are all around 8 or 9 years old. I need to work on the details but I have a few ideas. I'm thinking the last half hour of the party will be completely dedicated to food, birthday cake and gift opening etc, so that gets rid of a whole 30 minutes. The main activity will be a scavenger hunt/treasure trail type thing. The children could be given a list of items that they can tick off as we walk through the woods. I thought maybe the items could be a variety of specific things and then objects open to interpretation, for example, they could be asked to look out for a bird and also to find something that has a smooth surface. I thought it would be nice to include "something beautiful" on the list because then this provides an opportunity to talk about the beauty of nature and people will have different opinions etc. Another activity idea I came across in my research is sound mapping. This is where each child is given a piece of paper with a cross on it and are told that the cross represents them. Then they are told to choose a spot to sit in and to be very quiet and listen to the sounds of the environment. Each time they hear a different noise, they draw a symbol on their map to mark where they think it is coming from. Then afterwards we could talk about the variety of noises and speculate what was causing them -- so a rustling noise might be a bird looking for twigs to build a nest or a mouse searching for food. We could also discuss which sounds they liked or found calming, and which ones not so much etc. I really love the idea of this but I'm not sure if it would be a bit too tame for a birthday party. I guess I should mull it over for a bit. I think I need a third activity or game and I've got a few ideas for that. I am also planning some indoor games to show that I've thought of a back-up plan in case the weather is bad. I also plan on doing a thorough risk assessment of the site and each activity to show that I understand health and safety. And I have researched the national curriculum a bit so I understand what level of education I should be providing for children of this age. This is all very daunting and, having never done anything like it before, I am feeling pretty out of my depth. But I think I am on the right track. It's all a bit sketchy at the moment but I have time to flesh out the details. I want to give this my all and have fun with it. I want to show that although I may lack experience, I am creative and enthusiastic and have put a lot of thought into it. I must also spend some time preparing answers to potential questions because the presentation will only take up about a quarter of the interview. Ooooh, I'm so nervous! |
| So... I've been having a really crappy day! My meeting with the guy at the work programme was hard because it took place in an open-plan office, which was incredibly noisy. There were three witches women cackling at a desk immediately behind me which affected my concentration and I found myself getting more and more irritated by them as the appointment dragged on. Today we just filled in a bunch of paperwork but the guy hinted that he is eager to get me on some group courses. What they are, I don't know! Anyway, I had to do some shopping after that for my Mum's birthday, which is this Sunday, so by the time I got home I was absolutely exhausted, especially as I really didn't sleep well last night. I decided to have a power nap on the couch before taking Jade on her second walk and I was doing that when I got woken up by my phone ringing. Guess what? It was someone inviting me to an interview for the Environmental Education Assistant job I blogged about here: "Invalid Entry" ! I've got an interview! Despite admitting my lack of experience in my cover letter. ARGH! ARRGGGHHHH!It is on May 2nd and I am suddenly scared stiff because the details have just been emailed and I have been told this: As part of the interview, we would like you to present to us your ideas for a two hour birthday party with the following criteria: - The party must be educational and fun - For a child aged over 6 years old – you can choose the age - You can choose the gender - You can choose the number of participants - The party should take place in our new Education Centre which is being built locally. - The presentation to last no longer than 15 minutes Oh my god... I don't even know where to start. Never done anything like that before in my life. If anyone has any advice or thoughts on this, I would be extremely happy to hear them!Also, does anyone know how I can increase my confidence in just over a week? I think a lack of confidence is likely to be my downfall. Oh wow, I really can't believe this. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. ARGH! |
| I've had such an awful day. Hadn't been up longer than 10 minutes when I was reminded yet again what a burden I am on the people around me. Or what a burden my illness is... but that means the same thing seeing as the illness is part of me and has been for over 13 years. It's really horrible to not only be going through this but to know that I am just dragging everybody I love down with me. I don't intend to. I'd do anything not to. I'm starting to think I was better off as a teenager when I didn't tell a soul about my mental health problems and was mortified at the thought of anyone finding out. I wish I could undo the moment I first opened up to someone. I had an appointment with my doctor earlier. My blood work is all normal, even the thyroid, surprisingly. So I'm not dying even if I feel like I am. My doctor is so sweet and always takes time for me, even if he is running late. Today he really tried hard to boost me up, which I appreciated, but it wasn't working! He said I'm an "educated and intelligent lady". It's true!  Haha! He has urged me to find another voluntary role to replace the one I have stopped going to due to feeling so tired. I might do, but I'm in no hurry while my energy, motivation, mood and confidence are all so low and my anxiety is so high. He also reassured me that my binging is a good thing at the moment while I am underweight but said he understands it may be hard for me to see it that way.My medication has been increased to 20mg and the doctor said he thinks it will start kicking in soon. I do not share in his optimism. This particular drug didn't work for me before, why will it this time? But I'll persist with taking it, even if it's just to avoid being labelled non-compliant again. At least it's not making me fat or forgetful! This evening my sister wanted to go to the gym so I decided to give it another try. I asked her if she minded driving because I noticed today there is something wrong with my car and I don't want to drive it too much if I can avoid it. She replied in a very sulky voice, "Oh, I don't want to drive in rush hour so we'll have to walk" and then went into a massive mood. I was not in the right frame of mind for trying to lift her out of it so I just stayed quiet and let her get on with it. But there was a horrible atmosphere between us on the walk and the whole time we were at the gym, which just made being there even harder. So I have had 3 walks today (because I also walked Jade twice) and then had a 45 minute workout which included the rowing machine, my arch nemesis. I am beyond exhausted. I am not physically strong enough for that level of exercise at the moment. It was unbearable and I wanted to die. When I got home, even washing my hair was a major effort. I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. But I can't, because tomorrow I am starting a mandatory work programme that is connected to the job centre. If I don't go, I don't get money. I am nervous as hell because I have no idea what they will want me to do and I am capable of very little right now. They know about my health problems so I can only hope they will be understanding and not push me too hard. I guess I'll find out tomorrow! Right now I feel pretty broken. When will this end? Edit: And to top off a truly spectacular day, I have overeaten AGAIN. Binged all day Saturday and Sunday. Binged yesterday evening. Now binging again this evening. I think I know why though (I'm guessing hormones are involved!) But knowing why doesn't make me feel better. I wish I could stop eating to the point where I feel sick. Wish I could stop eating full stop. Seriously can't cope with this anymore. I do finally have a date for my assessment with the new eating disorder team though -- it's May 13th. I felt good about that earlier, thinking finally I will be able to get some help. But at this rate I don't think I will be alive by then because if I continue to binge eat, I will kill myself. |
| So... I have seen another job I really, really want. It seems perfect for me -- it's the field I want to break into, the hours are ideal (just 15 per week), the location is ideal (practically on my doorstep), it's with an organisation I have always wanted to work for and jobs very rarely open there... but, I don't quite meet their "essential" person specifications. Well, I meet all but one. They want a person who has experience in environmental education, which I don't have. However, I'm thinking that I am going to apply for it anyway and say in my cover letter that I realise I don't meet all their requirements but I would be willing to work for the first few months (or until I am at their required standard) on a voluntary basis (so unpaid). I plan to highlight all the relevant and transferable skills I have. For example, I may not have experience in environmental education but I do help to give riding lessons to children, showing that I can teach things to other people! I have already decided that I have to apply. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but I do know that if I don't at least try, I will torture myself with "what if" questions. I am not very hopeful that this will work but I have to go for it. I will try not to get my hopes up because, well, many of you know what happened the last time I did that! Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts on how to approach this? I'm struggling with how to word it so any input here would be very much appreciated. Just want to say thanks for the blog comments I have received recently -- I will respond to each of them individually when things are a little less crazy for me! But I appreciate people's continued support.  |
| I just binged for the first time in almost three weeks. Junk food is the devil, honestly! I decided to cut out junk food because I felt my binging was getting more frequent and I started to get seriously concerned that I would replace my anorexia with a binge-eating disorder. So for the two weeks (and several days) that I ate nothing but healthy foods I got into a really great pattern. I wasn't eating nearly enough but I rarely felt (excessively) hungry and I felt very much in control. I realised that instead of one small cake, I could eat a whole bowl of strawberries with some yoghurt for roughly the same amount of calories and feel much fuller for longer! During that two week period I pretty much became afraid of junk food and obviously that's not healthy. Plenty of slim people eat junk food! I've always been slim despite an addiction to junk food. I must have a fast metabolism or something because even when I wasn't restricting I was slim. But making myself reflect on this didn't help and I still felt irrationally afraid that I would gain weight if I started eating junk food again. But not wanting to add to my craziness around food I tried to be more relaxed about it and slowly started reintroducing it, starting with dark chocolate, which felt safe to me (kind of). So for several nights I have had three squares of dark chocolate and a glass of coconut milk before going to bed. Last night I decided to forgo the dark chocolate and instead eat a peanut butter cup, which I absolutely love. And that was fine. I ate slightly more than normal yesterday but within my "calorie allowance" so I was okay with it. Then today happened... On Saturdays I get together with my mum and sister and we have fast food and watch TV. I skipped eating fast food for two weeks due to my healthy eating but today I wanted some for two reasons: 1. I was craving it! 2. I don't want my family to get more suspicious than they already are of my eating disorder -- they know how much I love French fries so not having any is a big deal!So I had about 600 calories of fast food and a couple of hours after that I was ravenously hungry so I had two clementines and some vegetarian sausages, which took the edge off my hunger. Then I started craving a scone and a battle commenced in my mind. I want to get better so badly. I want to eat like a normal person and eat the foods I enjoy without anxiety. I want strong, healthy bones. I want to be able to have children in the future. I want my organs to continue functioning. I don't want my hair to start falling out. But my legs are fat, fat, FAT so how can I possibly stop losing weight? Even though I know my legs are NOT fat. And restricting so much and losing weight makes me feel in control and that I'm achieving something. It feels like a kind of power, even though I know I am destroying myself physically (and mentally). How is it possible to have such conflicting thoughts in one head?! I don't know but it is possible and it is completely exhausting. The more rational part of my brain won and I had the scone and felt like I was giving my eating disorder the finger! I thought for a moment, I can beat this. But the eating disorder fought back and suddenly I was helping myself to another scone. At 329 calories each, that's a lot of calories in one sitting, on top of what I had already eaten. And that was followed by three strawberry chocolates.Okay, so I don't know if this is actually a lot because my perception of what is overeating has become very skewed, but it feels like a lot and it is certainly much more than I have eaten in ages. I felt sick and uncomfortably full. I thought that would be the end of it but a few hours later I followed this up with two bowls of crisps and some vegetarian pepperoni. Welcome back nausea and bloated stomach! I know I have gone way, way over my "calorie allowance" and I'm probably still not done eating for the night because it's only 9:30 and I usually go to bed around 2am. Urgh.I'm trying not to panic but I can't help it and feeling so completely and uncomfortably full means I can't switch off from this at all. I am still receiving absolutely no support or treatment for my eating disorder even though I keep begging for it and am hugely motivated to recover (whilst recognising I can't do it by myself because all my attempts at self-help have backfired). But I am rapidly losing hope and I am worried that by the time help does finally arrive, I will be too exhausted or too caught up in all this craziness to benefit from it. Right now, with all this food inside me, I feel like an absolute whale. No more fast food for me! Obviously I cannot handle it. The irrational part of my brain is trying to convince the more rational part that fat is visibly appearing on my stomach and thighs! I have to keep reminding myself that I am a scientist and somewhat intelligent so know that is an impossibility! I have some emails/blog comments to respond to and I promise I will get to them when my sanity returns. Probably never then! Ok, I will catch up with stuff when I am feeling a little more stable. |
| In a recent therapy session my counsellor said one good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there is only one way to go -- back up. I disagree that is the only option though. Unless you have the energy and motivation (and luck) to go back up, you just hang around at rock bottom. This is where I feel I am right now and I have a feeling I am going to be here for a long time, if not forever, because I have no energy and motivation and I definitely don't have any luck. So I apologise for my inactivity here on WDC. I am desperate to get back into reviewing but I can't seem to do it. I'm hoping that will change by next month because I am helping to judge this month's official contest and I really want to be able to. But I can't seem to do much of anything these days. I feel like I'm on autopilot. I'm just going through the motions and doing what I need to do to keep alive. This isn't really living though. I don't know how to live anymore. I can't see a way to get my life back, or at least the half kind of life I was living before I attempted to end everything. I feel like I'm in limbo, to be honest. I am lost, stuck and I don't know what to do about it. Sorry for such a downbeat entry -- I just needed to get this out. |
| I haven't blogged in 9 days apparently. I haven't really felt like it. I guess I got a bit blogged out! Things have been good and bad. My health is as poor as ever. I'm extremely depressed, tired and lacking in motivation. My eating disorder continues to drive me crazy but I am still going strong with the healthy eating (as in eating nutritious foods rather than eating a healthy amount) -- tomorrow will be two weeks since I ate any junk food and that's the goal I set myself. Thing is, thanks to my eating disorder, I now feel kind of afraid to reintroduce that stuff. The plan was to carry on with the healthy eating after two weeks but occasionally allow myself to eat something not so healthy. Not sure I'm going to be able to do that now. I am also considering giving up the gym for a little while because I am starting to feel too weak to do it. I'm getting a blood test on Monday, which I suppose will show any damage I have done through not eating enough.So good stuff... Mark has been visiting, though he has gone to see his friends today. On Thursday morning I got up and Mark told me he had some good news. We both love the singer/songwriter/musician David Ford and I had recently checked on his website to see if he was playing any upcoming shows but it just looked like he was going to be touring in America. Anyway, in the early hours of Thursday morning Mark went on the website again and saw that David Ford was going to be supporting Simone Felice at Bush Hall in London for one night only -- that night! ARGH! So we decided to be spontaneous and just go for it if tickets were still available, even though we had never heard of the headline act! Thankfully there were some tickets left and I booked them online, then we headed into London by train. We had a few hours to spare so browsed Camden market and I bought these two gorgeous cushion covers:   Then we went to get dinner and I got a bit stressed trying to decide what to eat but in the end I went for a jacket potato with coleslaw and salad. I tried not to worry about the calories but I couldn't help it! After that we headed over to the venue. Travelling by tube at the tail-end of rush hour was pretty stressful but we survived and got there in plenty of time. I even had time to stop off in a shop to buy a snack and I'm glad I did because the guy behind the counter told me I look gorgeous when I smile! That gave me a boost! Bush Hall is a tiny venue but very nice! Mark and I found somewhere to stand at the edge of the room and thankfully there was a little ledge there that I could stand on! Not sure I would have been able to see otherwise -- it really sucks being short! The first support act was a guy called Dan Whitehouse and he was very good. Some of his songs were quite catchy. He played for about half an hour and then it was David Ford's turn! Yay! I had last seen David Ford live about seven years ago so I was very excited to see him again. He kicked things off with "Pour A Little Poison", which was awesome, and then did a very cool and edgy version of "The Ballad of Miss Lily". Next came "Isn't it Strange?" which is a nice song. After that he played my second favourite song of his, "State of the Union", using a looping machine to construct the song on stage, which is just about one of the coolest things I have ever seen/heard. I saw him do that the first time I saw him live and was totally blown away by it and it was just as brilliant this time round. Then he finished things off with what might just be my favourite song EVER, by any artist, "Every Time" and it was just perfect. It's a shame he only played a short set but it was totally worth the price of the ticket and travel. He was amazing and Mark and I loved every second! Then the headline act, Simone Felice, came on stage. Mark and I had checked out a couple of his songs on youtube that morning so we kind of knew what to expect. He was very good, though not in the same league as David Ford! We enjoyed his music and I might consider buying some of his stuff some time. He was a great showman. We had to leave a little early to ensure we had time to catch our train but I think we only missed a couple of songs. We had a really great time and it was fun to do something kind of crazy and spur of the moment. I'm so glad I got to see one of my favourite artists again and Mark loved his first David Ford live experience! I'm sure we'll be catching him again when he returns to the UK. Here's an awesome video of him playing "Go To Hell" using a looping machine: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] And to finish this entry off, I have a new poem! I'm pretty happy with this one:
|
| Look what I got! I won the blog Harbour challenge so now look what adorns my blog! I it! I am so happy to win. Competition was stiff and I put in an awful lot of effort. It was such a fun challenge and I very much enjoyed taking part. I've had another dull day! I can't even describe how sick I am of my life! I walked Jade earlier and she was so annoying! She has started stopping dead on walks and refusing to move. I'm a little anxious she is in pain but I don't think it's that. She has trouble with her joints but we give her supplements and have started doing two short walks a day, rather than one long one. She can still move very easily and walks at a good pace. She doesn't want to turn back or sit and rest. She just wants to stand there. Today I couldn't be bothered with it so I picked her up and carried her. That was quite a feat seeing as she's pretty hefty! I think I took her by surprise because she didn't struggle at first and usually she hates to get carried! But when she did start struggling I put her back down and she walked properly. I wish I knew what was going on with her. She still gets excited about going on walks and seems to enjoy them so I don't think it is an anxiety thing either. Very weird. My appointment with the doctor went well. He was running almost an hour late! I don't really mind waiting because I feel the nicest and the best doctors normally run late as they don't rush patients and are very thorough when it comes to examinations, but what I do mind is waiting in a room full of screaming, out of control children. I'm not a parent but I'm sure if I ever become one I would not let my child run riot in a GP surgery waiting room, or anywhere for that matter! Honestly, if parents know they need to take their kid somewhere boring, where there is likely to be a wait, then why not bring something to keep them entertained -- a book, or a quiet toy, or a colouring book or something? It's not exactly rocket science is it? Anyway, the doctor wants me to get a blood test because I am experiencing excessive tiredness, among other things, and it could be the thyroid thing getting worse. I hope not. I'm also getting tested for diabetes. Seriously, seriously hope I don't have diabetes. He wants me to keep taking the 10mg Citalopram for now but will consider increasing the dose in two weeks time if my mood hasn't improved at all. He checked my weight and is concerned that it has dropped a bit. I didn't ask if there is any way to speed up my referral because I'm an idiot! So I guess I'll struggle on for now, slowly, slowly wasting away. The doctor printed off some stuff about balanced diets because although I told him I'm eating much healthier foods now, he wants me to ensure I'm eating foods from each food group. I was lacking in protein before. Now I have increased the protein and am probably lacking in carbs. I don't even know if I care much anymore. I think I'm just going to carry on as I am until my referral comes through, I get hospitalised or I die, whichever happens first. I have tried to get better on my own and I can't do it. Oh well... I am going to try and catch up on blogs later. |
| I'm on my third day of no junk food! Today has been the toughest so far. I think this is because I have been pretty bored and stressed and my body wanted sugar as a comfort or something like that. But instead of snacking on cake, which I was really craving, I had strawberries and plain yoghurt. This evening I made the nicest dinner! I had a tortilla with cooked mixed peppers and chopped up vegetarian sausage served with salad and plain yoghurt. It was sooooo good! Not especially filling though. But that might be because I ate it fast as it was so tasty! I overcooked the tortilla, but it was still nice. I might have this as a snack tomorrow, minus the salad. My calorie count for today is ridiculously low so far. I'm well under 1000. I have dropped weight and am now a little under 6 stone. But even knowing that I am heading into "dangerously underweight" territory doesn't make me feel able to increase my food intake. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow so maybe I will try to bring this up with him -- he might be able to speed up my referral to the eating disorder team. My appointment with my care coordinator yesterday was okay. He was a little bit warmer than he was in our first meeting, but still not the friendliest guy! He's proactive and professional though, and I like that. He has given me various options for how I can access support while I am waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist and I am thinking those over. The options are going into hospital, engaging with the "home treatment" team who could come to my house every day (or every other day) to check how I am etc, or referring me to Mind who have various groups and activities for people with mental health problems. They also offer counselling though I should imagine there is a waiting list. Hospital is a big "no!" The idea just freaks me out too much. The home treatment team is a possibility though I hate the idea of people coming to my house. I don't even cope very well when the piano tuner comes so I'm not sure I'll be able to handle people wanting to come in and talk about my mental health. As for Mind, I don't know if I have the energy to engage with them. So I'm just going to monitor my moods before my next appointment and see if I can make a decision based on that. I doubt it though -- I'm not very good at making decisions at the moment. I'm so bored and stressed right now. Do you know what I hate most about my depression? I hate that when it is this bad, it impacts on my ability to concentrate on reading. I can read blogs and poems online etc, and I can read the paper and magazines, but anything a little more involving, like a novel, is beyond me right now and I can't stand it. I miss it so, so much. |
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