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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] How incredible is that song?!  Love it! I'm listening to it pretty obsessively at the moment.I just want to start this entry by saying a massive thank you to the people who have left supportive comments in my blog, emailed me and sent me cNotes etc. It means so, so much to me -- more than I could ever adequately express. And thank you to the people who have sent me reviews as part of Mandy's lovely "notebook challenge" ("Note: Hi everyone! I'm sure most of you are famil..."). This was such a sweet idea that is helping to give me a much-needed boost right now and it makes me feel so emotional to think there are people who want to help me up right now, when I am at rock bottom. I love this community so much. Don't know what I'd do without it.  So yesterday was probably the toughest day of my life. I'm still reeling from it and my actions. For most of today I have been feeling emotionally numb, which I guess is my mind's way of protecting me from what happened. This morning I was able to just act as if everything is normal and I went to my eye test appointment. Bizarrely my vision continues to get better! I don't need as strong a prescription and this was found at my last test almost two years ago too. I hope my eyesight continues to improve to a point where I don't need glasses or contact lenses anymore! But it is very, very weird. This afternoon I received a response to the email I sent. They will not reconsider their decision. This sent me spiralling back down to that dark, dark place and made me wish I'd had the courage to go through with what I started yesterday. I still feel this way right now, to be honest, but I won't act on it. I don't have the energy or nerve. And Mark will be here soon -- he is coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I can't wait to meet him at the station in about 45 minutes and get a hug. A couple of things happened yesterday that made me realise it isn't just the mental health service that needs improving in this country! Firstly, after I decided to get help, I went to my doctors' surgery and told the receptionist, "I have accidentally taken too many pills and need to see a doctor". I said "accidentally" to her because I felt embarrassed. She typed away on her computer and then said something like, "the doctor can see you in half an hour, at 4".  To which I said, "I have taken too many pills and need to see a doctor now." She was reluctant to leave the desk because there were no other staff members around. At this point I spoke to Mark on the phone and said to him I should have just gone to the hospital, which I think made the receptionist realise the seriousness of the situation. So she went to get a doctor!  I mean, honestly, what the hell was she thinking?! She had no idea how many pills I'd taken. I could have been dying and she wanted me to wait half an hour! It was ridiculous. Then the doctor came out and started asking me loads of questions right there in the waiting room. I was completely embarrassed and distressed and said I didn't want to discuss it out in the open. I think the doctor was flustered because she already had a patient and she didn't know exactly how to deal with me. But she told the receptionist to call an ambulance straight away and asked a member of staff to show me to a side room. She went to deal with her other patient and then she came back to me and was much less flustered and a much better doctor. She was really lovely and when I apologised for what I'd done she said, "you don't have to apologise, you were distressed".At the hospital, although they dealt with the physical side of things very thoroughly, I am disgusted with how they neglected me emotionally. I didn't get to speak to anyone about how I was feeling for at least four hours and even then the doctor was pretty offish with me. Made me feel horrible and I was uncomfortable so couldn't express myself very well. What's even worse is that I hardly got checked up on at all and I still had pills on me! My mum was there but she couldn't stay with me the whole time and I could easily have continued harming myself if I had wanted to. That was also totally ridiculous. A woman from the "Mental Health Liaison Team" came to speak to me and carry out a risk assessment but she had such a rude manner and attitude that I didn't want to talk to her. I was pretty hostile to her, to be honest, but I don't regret it. She was horrible and deserved no respect or courtesy from me. You'd think someone working with emotionally distressed people would have some compassion, but she had none. She kept barking at me, "if you don't speak to me, Jessica, I can't help you". She said she'd inform the mental health team (who have just discharged me) what's happened and that they'll contact me and asked if this would be okay, but I said no. I don't want anything from them, especially as I'm in the process of making a complaint about their service. I also made it very clear that I am not going to take medication. I've tried all that crap and can't go through it all again. Clearly I can't get better. I don't have the energy to even try anymore.  I don't know what that means for the future. For now I am living moment-by-moment because that's all I can do. |
What actor or actress do you like enough to watch in just about anything?  Clip:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  Choices, choices! There are so many talented actors and actresses but I managed to narrow it down to Tom Hanks and Johnny Depp . Love them both! But I have decided to go with Hanks because I have seen more of his movies and I own more of them too than I do Depp movies. I love Tom Hanks in everything I have ever seen him in and even if the movie isn't that great, he always is (I'm thinking Big here -- didn't like that one too much but thought Hanks was great in it). For me his best performances are in Philadelphia , Road to Perdition and The Green Mile . In Philadelphia he plays Andrew Beckett who gets fired from a law firm when his employers find out he has AIDs. He then hires Joe Miller (brilliantly played by Denzel Washington ) to help him with a wrongful dismissal lawsuit. Miller is homophobic and has little understanding of AIDs but throughout the movie he becomes more accepting and open-minded. It is a wonderful film and I have so much admiration for Tom Hanks for taking on a role like this, that some people may have been disapproving of or not understood. He gives a powerhouse performance as Beckett, who isn't always a likeable character, but who is, nevertheless, someone to root for because he has been treated appallingly. I think it was a brave and smart decision for writer Ron Nyswaner to make this character flawed and I'm so glad he did because you want Beckett to win because he is right, not because he is a good guy. If Beckett had been an absolute saint, then this movie would have been way too cloying. In Road to Perdition Hanks plays a different kind of character to the characters he usually plays. Michael Sullivan is a hitman, working for an Irish mob boss, and he is a pretty scary guy. Hanks plays him edgy and moody -- he is a man of few words but he has a very commanding presence. Honestly, he is mesmerising in this role. I won't go into the film so much because I'm hoping I'll get the chance to blog about it in another entry -- it's one of my absolute favourites!  I've already blogged about his performance in The Green Mile here: "Invalid Entry" , but some other films I have enjoyed Tom Hanks in include Saving Private Ryan (which I have not seen for years and really need to watch again soon!), Catch Me If You Can (a film that also stars another favourite actor of mine, Leonardo DiCaprio ) and Turner and Hooch (which makes me cry like a little baby!) And of course he is absolutely wonderful as the voice of Woody in the Toy story movies . And I also have to mention two other movies he is brilliant in, Forrest Gump and Apollo 13 (must watch both of these again soon!)But I think I have rambled on enough here! I'll just finish up by saying I can't wait to watch Captain Phillips and Saving Mr. Banks . Haven't seen either yet but think both look amazing. |
| I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing blogging about this but I have no offline friends and just feel like I need to talk about it. Any words of support are extremely welcome. Any harsh or judgemental comments will be deleted with no response from me because I can't deal with those things right now. I know I caused a lot of pain today to people who love me and I will never forgive myself for that. But it was only because I felt so completely and utterly desperate and despairing. Today I got an email informing me I have not made it to the next stage when it comes to the traineeship. To say I am devastated is an understatement. After reading that I proceeded to have a mental breakdown, sent a humiliating email asking them to reconsider and then, unfortunately, I took an overdose. Not a big one, but I could have potentially done a lot of damage to myself. Although I fully intended to die when I started, I lost my nerve and changed my mind partway through. I called Mark (and probably put him through hell  ), then I walked to my GP surgery and they called an ambulance. I had to drink charcoal, which is hands down the most disgusting thing I have ever had in my life, and then they took me to the hospital.I just got home a couple of hours ago after about 6 hours in hospital. The only damage I have done is to my pride, otherwise I am fine physically, I think. I've had lots of ECGs, a blood test and had my blood pressure and temperature measured multiple times. My blood pressure was a bit low for a while, but is fine now. Although I hadn't taken a huge overdose they were concerned it might still have a big impact on me because I'm such a small person. Thankfully it didn't. But I can't believe I did that. I might say more about it some other time, but I'll leave it for now. I am exhausted. Don't really know where I go from here when it comes to life... |
What's the first movie you remember seeing in a theater?  Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] This is just going to be a short entry because I have had one hell of a day and am not in the right frame of mind for this right now. But I want to continue with the challenge and my OCD won't let me save this entry for tomorrow! The Lion King definitely isn't the first movie I saw in a cinema, but it seems to be the first one I remember seeing. My memory is usually very strong so I don't know why I can't remember further back than this when it comes to films. Weird. But anyway, I saw this at my childhood friend Laura's birthday party. I guess she would have been turning 7? So I would have been 6 or 7. There were a group of us kids (plus adults, of course!) and we went to the cinema first and then to get pizza, I think. I honestly don't remember much of my first experience of this movie. I should imagine I was extremely upset by what happens to Mufasa but I don't actually remember being upset. What I remember from this day is that Laura got a necklace for her birthday that had a charm shaped like Nala, a character from The Lion King, and I thought it was completely awesome and really wanted one! I have, of course, seen this movie since then. I have seen it countless times and I think it is one of Disney's best. The story is so strong and it's just a beautiful, beautiful film. I love the characters too and the music is incredible. Perhaps I'll come back to this entry when I'm not feeling so fragile. Going to do a separate blog entry in a moment to go into what's happened. |
Talk about a movie or television show that you feel has particularly strong writing. Forget the actors and directors and production value and special effects; what property dazzles you with the dialogue and storytelling? Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Well, there are loads I could choose in answer to this prompt but I have decided to go with Juno because I love how quirky and fresh the dialogue is and the storytelling is very sharp. Diablo Cody won the Best Writing, Original Screenplay Oscar for this film in 2008. This movie is about a sixteen year old girl who has to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. She makes a big decision to give her a child up for adoption and finds what seems to be the perfect couple. I think the writer did a good job of developing the central character -- Juno is ultra intelligent, which might make it seem unrealistic that she would become pregnant at such a young age, but she is also rather impulsive, which goes some way towards explaining how things unfold. She also appears to be very much infatuated or even in love with Paulie Bleeker and seems to lose her head a little when she is around him, which also helps to explain why a smart and seemingly world-savvy teenager makes such a big mistake. Juno is filled with quirky characters and the dialogue is often very witty. It doesn't always sound natural but because the film is so offbeat this actually works really well. Here are some of my favourite lines: Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet. This is said to Juno when she is shaking her pregnancy test as if hoping to make the little positive sign disappear! It's a humorous comment but also cleverly highlights the seriousness of Juno's situation. Juno: I'm pregnant. Leah: What? Honest to blog? Juno: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's. Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch? Juno: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout. I find this exchange between the two friends funny for some reason! I just like how Leah initially dismisses it as a "food baby".  Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade. This is said by Juno's stepmother Bren to an ultrasound technician who implies Juno wouldn't be a good mother because of her age. I like how this part shows the strong relationship between the stepmother and stepdaughter. I think the writer also did a good job of making you care about what happens to the characters. Juno is immensely likeable and Vanessa (the lady hoping to adopt Juno's baby) is an extremely sympathetic character who you immediately root for. All the minor characters have strong voices and are very memorable. Juno's friend, Leah, for example, is rather silly but loveable and has some great dialogue. The story is also very strong and along with the comedy, there are some truly emotional moments. One example of this is when Juno allows Vanessa to feel the baby kicking. This is a really lovely moment when you come to realise just how heartbreaking Vanessa's situation is and how much having a child means to her. I also like how the writer develops the relationship between Juno and Mark (Vanessa's husband). This feels very real and it is easy to see why and how things turn out the way they do. I love the psychology behind this relationship. Juno seems to enjoy the attention of an older, "cooler" man and likes hanging out with someone who has the same interests as her. Mark, on the other hand, seems to feel validated by Juno. It seems that she reminds him of himself and how he was before he had to "grow up". She makes him realise that he isn't ready for the life Vanessa wants for them. Mark is an interesting character. He isn't particularly likeable but his motivations are clear and his behaviour is easy to understand. I like that this character has layers. Overall I just think this is a creative movie that has a strong story, well-developed characters and very sharp dialogue. I've seen it multiple times and always enjoy it. Phew! I think that's enough rambling on this subject.  In other news... I've had no news. I've spent the day feeling completely on edge and have carried my phone around with me everywhere. Everywhere. I actually got a call this afternoon but it was just someone form the doctors' surgery. That was annoying because obviously I thought it was about the job. I was shaking when I answered it. It has been torture! I hope they call me early tomorrow.This afternoon I met with a mental health advocate who is going to help me with my complaint to the mental health team. She was really lovely and helpful and the appointment was very productive. She was quite shocked at some of the things I told her about the service. Anyway, she was impressed with the notes I've made about what happened so is going to draft a cover letter to go along with them and we will be making an official complaint. I'm kind of scared but I want to do this to ensure things change in the service and that nobody else has to go through what I went through. It's daunting though. So that has been my day. I'm dreading tomorrow. I feel so stressed. |
Are there any long-running shows you've seen every single episode of? No one-season wonders here; let's say a show has to have a run of at least 48 episodes to count.  If you haven't seen every episode of a show, tell me about one you'd like to consider watching from beginning to end. Clip:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I have seen all 15 seasons of ER, for a total of 331 episodes. That is a lot of television! I was a big, big fan. Still am! I think I first starting watching ER around series five and six, so I was quite young considering the content. But I remember very clearly watching the episode "Be Still My Heart" from season 6 with my family  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0567932/?ref_=tt_ep_ep13. This episode completely blew me away. Honestly, this was, still is actually, one of the most gripping episodes I have ever seen in any TV show. I think my heart actually stopped beating for a moment!My favourite characters from this show are Dr Mark Greene and Dr John Carter. I also really love medical student Lucy Knight, Dr Abby Lockhart and Dr Neela Ragotra. And I must say I have a bit of a soft spot for Dr Robert Romano, even though he is completely horrible! I'm not one of the people who believe the episodes with George Clooney were the glory days of ER. To be honest, I never cared much for his character. I love the earlier seasons but for me the best seasons are five to ten. I'm not sure why really! Possibly because this was when I started watching it so I saw these seasons before the earlier ones? I'm not sure! What I love about ER is that it has a bit of everything. There is action and drama and no episode is ever boring, but it also has emotion and heart. You really come to care about the characters. *Major spoiler alerts* I cried my eyes out when Mark Greene died and I cried when John Carter and Kem lost their baby. You go on journeys with the characters and get completely caught up in their lives. That's what makes is so good. Plus I'm totally obsessed about medical stuff, so it feeds my addiction! Argh, there is so much more I want to say about this show but I am beyond tired. I might come back to this entry tomorrow. I want to go back to the beginning with ER and watch it all again now! My interview... ARGH. It was the most draining and overwhelming process I have ever been through. I feel like it went so, so badly but I never can tell for sure. When it had finished I got back to my car and just burst into tears. All the pressure and stress and emotion I've been feeling since first seeing this opportunity just totally overwhelmed me. I really don't want to say much more about the actual interview but I will find out tomorrow or Thursday if I have made it to the second one. Right now I am physically, emotionally and mentally spent. I have nothing left. If I don't have a second interview I am so done because I just can't do this shit anymore. If I have been successful I have no idea how I'm going to deal with the next stage because, like I said, I'm totally spent. I guess I'll somehow figure that out if it happens. So yeah, I'm feeling very fragile tonight and completely exhausted. Feel like it's going to take me a while to recover from it all. |
What's the best adaptation of a book (or book series) you've seen? The Lord of the Rings The Fellowship of the Ring: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120737/?ref_=nv_sr_1 The Two Towers: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167261/?ref_=nv_sr_3 The Return of the King: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167260/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] This was a tough decision for me because there are so many to choose from. I'm going to cheat a bit here and mention some others first. I nearly went with Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events because I feel they captured the spirit and style of the books so perfectly. Jim Carey (who I usually don't like when in silly, gurning mode) pitched his performance just right, blending sinisterness, comedy and silliness in his role as Count Olaf. And I loved the gothic settings in this movie and the wonderful costumes. This whole film is a feast for the eyes! Another one is The Green Mile . Usually when there is an adaptation of a book, I will have my own versions of the what the characters and settings look like etc, which are separate to the adaptation, but not with The Green Mile. I've read the book countless times but I always picture it just like the movie in my head because they got it absolutely spot-on in my opinion. Tom Hanks manages to make you forget he is Tom Hanks! He is Paul Edgecomb. And the same goes for Michael Clarke Duncan and Doug Hutchison in their roles as John Coffey and Percy Wetmore. Love, love, love this adaptation! But I have to go with The Lord of the Rings because it is my favourite! I was fourteen when The Fellowship of the Ring came out and I went to see it with my mum, I believe, and then again later with the rest of my family. I wasn't really expecting much from it because I hadn't read the books but it totally blew me away! I loved every second of it and when it ended I was filled with an overwhelming desire to find out what happens next! There was no way I was waiting for the next movie so I read the trilogy and totally fell in love with it. I was so excited to see The Two Towers and it didn't disappoint. If anything, I loved it more than the first one and I could hardly wait for the final one. When it was released, I went with my family and we turned up at the cinema an hour early so we could be first in line (or near the front anyway!) to get the perfect seats. I ended up going to see The Return of the King four times at the cinema, I loved it that much! So what do I love about it? The short answer is: everything! The sets, locations and costumes are beyond gorgeous and pull you straight into the fantasy world, making you feel a part of it. I particularly love Bag End and I once paused my DVD on a shot of the garden so I could drink in all the little details. It's exquisite! The score, too, is absolutely perfect and really helps with the atmosphere. The special effects are incredible. Gollum is a masterpiece and the battle scenes are absolutely enthralling. All the magical creatures look so realistic. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't! The acting performances are all wonderful but Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn stands out for me. Aragorn is one of my favourite book characters ever and Mortensen does the most amazing job of bringing him to life. I am, of course, completely in love with him! But everyone did such a fantastic job, in my opinion. The action! The dialogue! The story! Peter Jackson and the crew did such an incredible job translating the books to the screen. It was clearly a labour of love and their care and attention to detail really shines through. They got everything so right! The movies may be long but it never feels that way when you're watching them. They are pure escapism and I'll never forget how excited I felt in the cinema when the lights dimmed and the first few notes of the score of The Return of the King played. And I'll never forget how I felt when it ended after seeing it for the first time, though I have no words to describe that.  |
What's the worst movie you've ever seen? Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] It was a very close thing for me between Push and The Edge of Darkness but I'm going with Push because there is a scene in it that I found so embarrassingly ridiculous I don't think I'll ever get over it! This is when the "bad guys" do these weird screams that wreak all kinds of havoc but they look so stupid doing it I found it laughable. I watched this movie with Mark and his family and I don't remember a whole lot about it because I have blocked it from my memory. Yes, it was that bad. I found it silly, badly acted and completely boring. It has Dakota Fanning in it with crazy hair that looks like it needs a good wash. There was literally nothing about this film I enjoyed and I felt like I'd wasted a couple of hours of my life after seeing it. I really wish I'd stopped watching it part way through. The premise actually sounds quite good -- it's about these people with superpowers who are trying to take down a government agency that wants to create a "super army". But their superpowers all sound so stupid! Among others there are "pushers" and "bleeders", "sniffs" and "wipers". Yes, really, wipers! That just sounds so dodgy! So yeah, I definitely wouldn't recommend this one. Sorry this is a bit short -- I'm not feeling too well tonight. Today felt like spring! Yay! I didn't need to wear a coat when I walked Jade. It was lovely and going out instantly lifted my mood, which has been pretty terrible the last few days, unfortunately. But I can't be bothered to go into all that. It hit me properly tonight that my interview is on Tuesday. Tuesday That's just two days away. I am so, so scared. This is the most nervous I have ever felt before an interview because this is the most I have ever wanted a job. I have so much riding on this. I can't even say. I'm just terrified the intense pressure is going to overwhelm me and that I won't be able to say anything. I cannot, must not let that happen. I think I'm going to do some preparation tonight because it will make me more nervous to leave it all for tomorrow. I seriously can't wait until this is all over and I just know.  |
What property (book, comic, toy, etc.) would you love to see adapted for the screen? Movie or TV, and why?  Quote:Now that world, and every other universe, came about as a result of a possibility. Take the example of tossing a coin: it can come down heads or tails, and we don’t know before it lands which way it’s going to fall. If it comes down heads, that means that the possibility of its coming down tails has collapsed. Until that moment the two possibilities were equal. But on another world, it does come down tails. And when that happens, the two worlds split apart. ~From Northern Lights by Philip Pullman Okay, I know the first book in this trilogy was made into a movie, and I haven't seen it yet (though have it on DVD), but I really think they should start from scratch with this. I personally think it should be aimed at an adult audience rather than a family one. It should be edgy and gritty. I'm thinking something along the lines of Pan's Labyrinth, rather than Harry Potter. I feel put off by the first movie because it appears to have been toned down so much. I don't consider the books children's books. I mean, a witch gets her finger bones snapped in a torture scene in one of them. The books are very dark and pretty violent in places -- they were not written for children! Another thing that puts me off seeing the current adaptation and makes me yearn for them to redo it is that apparently a lot of the key themes were diluted. I don't want CGI-filled, dumbed-down kid's films. I want movies that bring the message -- the very essence -- of the trilogy to life. Don't water that stuff down otherwise what you are left with bears no resemblance to the original work and therefore has no point to it! I love this trilogy so much and have read it countless times. I would love to see a screen version of it that matches what's in my head. They are more than just fantasy books for children. They are works of art! The third book, The Amber Spyglass, is an absolute masterpiece. I feel like an opportunity was missed to make an intelligent, artful adaptation of this work. The books are kind of gothic and other-worldly. Huge, important themes are explored. It is very character driven. Somebody, please make these into proper, serious, intelligent movies that will do these things justice! Please! That's all I have to say today, really. |
Write about a television show that, love it or hate it, went (or is currently going) on for way too long. Clip:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I’m going with Two and a Half Men on this one (though it was a close thing between this and Friends). I mean, come on, it doesn’t even work anymore now that the child has grown up! Two and a Half Men has never been one of my favourite shows though it has some good bits. I tend to only watch it if I’m very bored, there is nothing else on TV and I can’t be bothered to do something else like reading! Before the whole Charlie Sheen debacle I felt the show was starting to go rather stale anyway and wasn’t as funny anymore. The character Jake started to annoy me as he was no longer a cute child, but a rather irritating teenager. After Charlie Sheen left it seems to me that the show got really silly, though to be fair I’ve only seen one full episode starring Ashton Kutcher. I watched the opening episode of season 9 because I was curious to see how they would deal with Sheen’s absence and I was interested in the new character played by Kutcher. But I thought it was pretty crap, to be honest! I’ve seen bits and pieces of episodes since then but really wasn’t impressed. It seems to me that they’ve turned Alan’s character into a bit of a caricature and Jake is more annoying than ever. I don’t care for Kutcher’s character either. I understand why the creators wanted to continue the show but I honestly think it has gone on too long now and should have ended when Sheen was still in it. The early seasons were pretty funny and Jake was adorable, but I think they lost their way after about series 5. It should have ended then, in my opinion. My day has been sooooo dull! All I’ve done really is go to the supermarket and walk Jade. I so desperately need a job because I have no life! Jade, bless her, is getting increasingly crazy as she gets older! Though she has always had a fear of sneezing, she has developed a fear of coughing and I have no idea how to put this right. Honestly, if anyone coughs, she throws them the dirtiest look then slinks away upstairs with her tail between her legs. The other night I unfortunately sneezed and coughed a few times and you would have thought I was trying to kill her from the way she reacted. It’s sad. Today on our walk she growled at this MASSIVE dog. She had been getting much better around dogs but now she’s back to barking and growling at them. I think this is because her eyesight and hearing are going and she feels vulnerable. But because she’s rather nutty now, instead of keeping her head down, she decides to draw attention to herself! When she does it I get an image in my head of a cross, little old lady ranting and raving at noisy kids or something like that!She sleeps almost all the time now, too, when she isn’t being mad as a hatter! She doesn’t get out of bed in the mornings now and will tend to get up around 11am. This is a good thing as she no longer wakes me up on Sunday mornings when I want to sleep in! But on the whole she still seems healthy and happy. Her weight is great at the moment and she can still manage our walks, though she tends to slow down a bit. She still rolls and is still as playful as ever so I think I’m doing okay as an owner of a senior citizen dog! I hope so anyway. |
Tell us about an unexpected gem; something you've seen and love that you doubt many other people know about. Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] While this film is certainly a gem, I'm not 100% sure it's "hidden". I should think it probably is because it's not a big movie and though it stars Whoopi Goldberg and Ray Liotta, they are much better known for their roles in other films. I don't know of many people who have seen it anyway! I associate this film with my childhood. I'm not sure how old I was when I first saw it but I was probably pretty young. I've watched it many, many times since then, even as an adult. It's just a really lovely, heart-warming, feel-good film and I never tire of it. Corrina, Corrina is set in 1959 and tells the story of a family in crisis. Manny Singer has just lost his wife, leaving him a single parent to his young daughter, Molly, who, due to her grief, refuses to talk. Manny sets about looking for a housekeeper and nanny but can't seem to find the right person. However, he eventually ends up hiring Corrina after seeing his daughter respond to her when she had been totally indifferent to all the others. The film then depicts the impact Corrina has on Manny and Molly's life. There are some big themes explored in this movie including bereavement, being a single parent, religion and romantic interracial relationships. When it comes to the latter, I know this film was criticised for not going into enough depth and kind of glossing over the subject, but I say "bull" to that! I think they did a fine job. It's clear Manny and Corrina struggle somewhat with their burgeoning relationship because of their different cultural and class backgrounds and because of the reactions of the people around them. A key scene demonstrating this takes place in a restaurant when a customer mistakes Corrina for a waitress and Manny defends her. But even if the film is a bit simplistic in places, and I'm not sure it is, I still think it is wonderful and it has a lot of heart. The acting in it is sublime and Whoopi Goldberg practically sparkles as the intelligent, strong, independent Corrina, struggling to get by in a world that wants to hold her back because of the colour of her skin. Ray Liotta does a great job as a grieving and bewildered man just trying to cope and support his daughter. And Tina Majorina gives an incredible performance as little Molly. The scene where she finally speaks is breath-taking and heart-breaking. I love movies where you come to care deeply about the characters and get caught up in their lives. That happens with this one and is the reason I have watched it over and over. I don't care what the critics say, I think this is a stunning film! I went to the conservation group this morning as I didn’t go last week and today they were working at a pond near my house. I kind of felt I had to go as I had no excuse not to! But I’m glad I went. It was totally exhausting, especially on very little sleep, and the work was boring, but I enjoyed spending time with people I like. I had some good conversations, especially with the guy I suspect has a crush on me and I’m more convinced of that than ever now because of some of the things he said to me today! I still haven’t heard from the eating disorder team and I so badly need help. I’ve been reading up a lot on Anorexia Nervosa and all the books say that the sooner people can get help the better because otherwise the behaviour becomes very habitual and is much, much harder to correct. Also, although my diagnosis is Anorexia Nervosa (restricting subtype) I actually think they got this wrong. The assessment was pretty shoddy and I didn’t speak much in it so I have no idea how they managed to give me a diagnosis. Anyway, my eating disorder is actually very atypical. A lot of people with Anorexia restrict to about 500 calories a day and fast often but I literally can’t do either of these things and believe me, I’ve tried! I’m becoming more and more convinced that my metabolism is crazily high. I’ve been eating around 900-1200 calories a day. I know that’s low, but it’s not absurdly low. And I’ve never been able to fast. It’s a good job I don’t need to for health or cultural reasons because I couldn’t do it! Another way it is atypical is that I don’t avoid carbs or fat. My fear food group is actually dairy and there are complex reasons behind that but I can’t be bothered to go into them. I don’t have cheese, cow’s milk or eggs, though I do eat foods which contain milk and eggs (but wish I didn’t). I’ve started having almond milk to try and get more calcium as I’m aware my hip bone mineral density is reduced and I don’t want to develop osteoporosis. I am extremely addicted to junk food and eat huge amounts of food that are high in fat and sugar—I just factor them into my "lowish" calorie limit, which is why I stay so skinny. Plus my metabolism probably helps with this as well. But this junk food addiction is the reason I can’t go vegan because I cannot contemplate life without cake and chocolate etc but I don’t have the energy right now to make my own vegan-friendly junk food! It’s bad! (And I don't just want to become vegan because of my fear of dairy, but for ethical reasons too). I don’t know why I’m blogging about this really. It has just been on my mind a lot because I really, really want to break my junk food dependence but have no idea how. Edit: One last thing... as of yesterday I have decided to start responding to blog comments in the comment section, rather than by email. I just think it makes more sense and is easier. Plus, it looks like I have more comments too! Ha! |
What was the last movie you saw in a theater? Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I don't see "movies" in "theaters", I see "films" at "cinemas", haha!  But anyway... the last film I saw at the cinema was Her. Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! and I went to see it on Valentine's Day and we both absolutely loved it! That was such an excellent choice of movie to see on that day because it was so sweetly romantic. Not sickly sweet, mind you. It had just the right amount of sweetness! When it first started, I really wasn't sure about it and thought it wasn't for me but I soon warmed up to it thanks to the incredible performances, the humour and the wonderful characters that I really became invested in. It's such a quirky movie but it has a lot of heart and I think I just needed to be able to go with the flow in order to enjoy it. Thankfully I was able to do that. I think Her is a beautifully tender, philosophical film that explores the very common themes of love and loneliness in a spectacularly original way. I've certainly never seen anything like it, anyway! I took it to be a film about what makes us human but it is also a sort of satirical look at romance in the digital age and I found that aspect of it fascinating. There is so much to love about this movie. Firstly, Joaquin Phoenix gives another absolutely stunning performance. Honestly, I think he's one of the best actors working today and he's as good in this as he is in Walk the Line and The Master. He can convey so much with just a look. A look! I was completely captivated by the character Theodore and I really grew to care about him. Amy Adams also gives a great performance and I liked her character, Amy, a lot. I feel like there was a subtle chemistry between Theodore and Amy that works really nicely and makes the ending of the film all the more powerful. And Scarlett Johansson's voice! Wow, is it husky... and sexy?! Yep! I very much enjoyed the humour of this movie and there is a scene early on that is absolutely hilarious. For anyone who has seen it, I'm talking about the "dead cat" part! It's kind of twisted, but oh so funny! There are also some nice touches, such as Theodore's job. He works as a writer, penning letters for people who can't express themselves well or perhaps don't have time to. I thought this was interesting and maybe a glimpse of the future! Are our lives so full and busy that we'll end up needing to hire someone to deal with our emotional expression?! I also liked how the world in the film is very similar to ours, but slightly offbeat -- somehow it is futuristic and retro at the same time!But for me it was the story that I found most enjoyable. It's different but relatable. It's funny, sad, deep and moving. You get drawn in and caught up in the emotions of the characters. I'll admit that things got a little bit too philosophical for me towards the end and I started to find some of Samantha's (the character played by Scarlett Johansson) speeches a little wearing but this was the only slight negative. I really didn't know how the movie was going to end and I was pleasantly surprised by it. I love endings like this that leave things open but not in a maddening way. I was left feeling like there is hope for Theodore and that he's going to be okay! To sum things up, ultimately I think Her is a movie that shows Sci-Fi can have heart and Rom-Coms can be intelligent! I adored it. In other news, I've received the time and date for my interview (as I said in previous entries, everyone who applied to the traineeship is guaranteed a first interview). It's on Tuesday and it sounds incredibly daunting. It seems like it's going to be a group thing with an individual element. All the interviewees will take part in a group practical activity but there will also be individual interviews with two staff members where they will "measure" the benefit I will gain from the programme and assess whether I have the necessary skills for the job. Scary. The word "measure" freaks me out. It makes it sound as if they have a score system or something. I am terrified. Please, please wish me luck! ARGH! |
Write about an extremely popular movie or television show that you just can't get into. Why is it a miss for you? Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I watched The Matrix. I'm sure I did. Yes, I remember the action of watching it but I don't remember a thing about the movie. It just had absolutely no impression on me whatsoever! I may as well have never watched it because when I try to remember a scene from it, I just get a blank screen. It's bizarre. I watched the trailer just now to see if it would jog anything in my memory but... nothing! What's with that?! And even the trailer didn't hold my concentration! I know I watched this film for two reasons. 1. Everyone was talking about it and I got curious. 2. I had a bit of a crush on Keanu Reeves! But though I remember nothing about the film, I do know it turned me off Keanu Reeves. Yeah, he is a bland and boring actor -- so bland and boring that I can't remember a single thing about his performance! I'm really not sure why I just couldn't get into this film. I mean, obviously it didn't capture my attention, but I don't know why. Sci-Fi definitely isn't my favourite genre but I don't usually have this much trouble with it. It's kind of infuriating, really. The concept of the movie is vaguely interesting to me (I've just read up on it again because of course I couldn't remember it!) and part of me feels I should watch it again to see if it really is as inconsequential to me as it appears to be. But I just don't think I can bring myself to give it another go. Why waste my time on a movie I am probably not going to get a lot out of when there are so many other movies I could watch and potentially love? So yeah, I doubt I'll ever watch The Matrix again and I think it's safe to assume I'm going to give the sequels a miss! It's funny that such a well-loved and highly-regarded film has left me so cold but I guess the world would be a very boring place if we all liked the same stuff. I'm so tired. I just couldn't sleep last night and had to get up early. I think I had under four hours of sleep, which I can't really function on. The RDA did not go well. I made such a silly mistake and now I can't stop kicking myself over it. It wasn't a big deal but still, I feel like such an idiot for making it. I just always feel so inept when I'm there. I really, really need a proper job because I honestly don't think I can continue to force myself to go to my voluntary jobs for much longer. I am good at making myself do stuff I don't enjoy yet recognise I need to do, and I pride myself on not being a quitter, but I've volunteered at the RDA for over a year now and I've been with the conservation group for about eight months. That's a long time to keep doing something I really, truly don't like. I know there have been positive moments in both my voluntary roles, but on the whole I really hate them. I actually haven't been going on a regular basis to the conservation group for a while, which is not good. I am so tempted to skive off from the RDA too but have been able to make myself keep going because I'm really attached to one of the children in our current class. I want to go for him because I think he likes me a lot and I'm interested in seeing his progress etc. But this really isn't good. I feel so depressed about it. If I get the traineeship I will continue going to the RDA until the job starts in May but then I am leaving for good. I don't even want to switch to volunteering there on a Saturday because I am so done with it. And if by some miracle I find out I've got the job, then I will go to one more conservation group session but only to let them know that I am quitting. Yeah, I'm leaving that one just as soon as I possibly can! I need this job so badly. I'm kind of scared I won't enjoy it though if I do get it! But it's only for a year and it's much, much easier to stick at something you are getting paid for! In other news, I have a new poem. It's my latest campfire submission and I'm not too happy with it. But I don't want to work on it anymore either so I'm just admitting defeat with this one. I don't think it's terrible but it certainly isn't a reflection of my best work!
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Which past TV show was canceled or otherwise ended WAY too soon? Clip:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Thankfully Spaced wasn't cancelled, because that would have been a travesty, but it would seem that the writers never really got round to doing a third series. So it ended after two, which is just fourteen episodes. That is way, way too short for such a fantastic show! I didn't catch Spaced when it first aired in 1999 because I was only twelve then and not the intended audience. I didn't even hear about it, if I'm honest. But Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! introduced me to it in 2008 and I absolutely loved it and have since bought my own copy. It's a brilliant comedy sitcom that follows the lives of two twenty-something Londoners and it has a very distinct style, often including popular culture references.A real stand-out episode for me is "Mettle" from season 2 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0706395/. In this episode the character Tim and his friend are working on a robot for "Robot Wars" and there is a hilarious scene when they are at "Robot Club" that parodies the movie Fight Club. I'm tempted to quote it but I'll resist because it's much funnier to watch it! Whilst that's all going on, the character Daisy starts a new job in a restaurant kitchen and this turns into a brilliant spoof of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! Apparently in 2007 the creators said they were reluctant to revive the series because the characters would now be too old and they were worried it wouldn't be the same and may ruin a good thing etc. I can understand this, though it's still disappointing! It's the same with the The Office (the British series) -- although I wanted more, they ended it perfectly and any more may have been overkill and could have spoiled what was a fantastic show. It is possible to have too much of a good thing. Just look at Friends! I feel they lost their way a bit with Friends in later seasons. Anyway, if you haven't seen Spaced, I would urge you to check it out because it is hilarious! I need to watch it again soon as I haven't seen it in ages. Yesterday was good and bad! Unfortunately in the evening I felt very unwell. I had major heart palpitations, my chest was killing me and I felt very dizzy. I thought I might need to go to the hospital. I was really reluctant to though because I'm still feeling very "anti doctor" at the moment and feel sick at the the thought of a doctor touching me in any way. But thankfully it started to ease off and I was able to just go to bed. I still had palpitations when I woke up this morning and have had them on and off all day, but the chest pain has now gone. I feel kind of dizzy again now though. But the good things yesterday! I won a Quill! ![Merit Badge in Quill Award
[Click For More Info]
2013 Quill Award for Best Short Poem, Free Verse for [Link To Item #1962941] Congratulations! *^*Smile*^* (See "The Quill Awards: 7th edition" for more details.)"
[Link To Item #1935693] is proud to sponsor this award recognizing excellence in the art of free verse poetry.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Quill_Award-1375927_6.gif) This was for my poem:
I'm so happy and stunned and grateful! I'm really proud of that poem but I never thought it was going to win! I also got an awardicon for another poem. Look!
How great is that?! Today has been kind of boring but I did hear from someone about my job application -- it arrived safely, thank goodness. So I can breathe again, finally! I'm just going to take it easy tonight and try and relax a bit. I have been way too stressed recently. |
In honor of the Oscars tonight, talk about your favorite movie from last year (2013). Trailer:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Two other contenders were Gravity and Her Truth be told, I enjoyed these three movies equally, though they are all very different, but I'm thinking it's more likely I'll get to blog about the other two later on in this challenge. I hope so anyway! I enjoyed Side Effects much more than I thought I would. I knew it had gotten good reviews but it's not really the sort of film I end up feeling all excited and enthusiastic about. But I decided to watch it because I have a strong interest in mental illness and I wanted to see a film that explored the role of medication in treating mental health problems. So I asked for it for Christmas this year and watched it with Mark, my family and my sister's boyfriend on Christmas Day. I got caught up in it, just went with it and it kind of blew me away. There was a lot to enjoy in this film but a highlight for me was the twist. I thought it was really clever and, I'll be honest, I didn't see it coming! That's the best kind of twist, of course. I loved Jude Law's performance in this too. It's almost as if he played the role with a twinkle in his eye, especially towards the end! He seemed to have so much fun and I was rooting for his character all the way. I often seem to forget that Jude Law is actually a very talented actor but when I think about it, I always enjoy his performances and find them believable. I feel Rooney Mara did an excellent job too. Another thing I really loved about this film was that the two main characters were complex and multi-layered... and morally ambiguous too, which made them interesting! I loved how things unfolded and seeing different character motivations. I felt they were easy to understand, to a certain extent, but not so easy to relate to. But that's a good thing in this case because it made them fascinating. The only weak point, in my opinion, was Catherine Zeta-Jones' character, who seemed too much of a caricature to me. I just felt that had this character been a bit more subtle, then this film would have been perfect. But the Dr Siebert character was the one discordant note for me in an otherwise very melodic movie! The ending was perfect and left me feeling satisfied, though it was pretty disturbing too. It was just a brilliant way to wrap things up! I feel there were some interesting themes and questions posed in this film, particularly concerning the role and ethics of pharmaceutical companies when it comes to mental illness. Pills are big, big business, of course, but are they and should they be the first method to use in the treatment of depression? In today's society it would seem that more people than not have tried an antidepressant and I think this was portrayed well in the film, with various characters casually discussing their experiences with certain drugs. Another fascinating topic explored in this film was the role of psychiatrists. Is a psychiatrist responsible for his patient and to what extent? Can he be held accountable for her actions after prescribing her a new medication that affects her behaviour? Is he more responsible for the patient than she is for herself while she is still unwell? These are challenging questions and I don't think there are any quick and easy ways to answer them. I just thought that overall this was an intelligent, brilliantly acted psychological thriller. It was thoroughly entertaining and completely absorbing. I'm looking forward to seeing it a second time and maybe picking up on any details I missed the first time round. It will be interesting to see this movie from a different perspective, already knowing the twist. I wonder if that will give me a different experience of it and if I'll get anything else from it. |
| So... I've decided to take part in the latest Blog Harbour challenge, or at least try to "March Memory Lane Challenge: Movies & TV Edition!" . Hopefully this will help to distract me from things a bit and stop my new blog from becoming unbearably repetitive. Here goes! Write about a movie or television series that terrified you as a kid and still gives you the creeps today Clip:[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Okay, don't laugh. Yes, I've gone with The Simpsons for this prompt. I know, what's scary about The Simpsons? Well, I'm struggling to come up with a movie or television series that terrified me because I tended to stay away from scary stuff as a child. My imagination was extremely active and I knew horror stuff would completely freak me out.However, there is one episode from The Simpsons, that I saw as a child, which completely disturbed me and still does to this day. This was "Treehouse of Horror" from season 2: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0701278/?ref_=tt_ep_ep3. I think I was about eight when I first saw this. So why did it freak me out so much? In this episode, I believe one of the Simpson children tells a story about the family getting abducted by aliens. I can remember very little of the episode, to be honest, but one part stuck out and that's when Lisa Simpson finds a book called "How to Cook Humans". Oh my goodness! That freaked me out so much! Cooking humans?! No! The idea really upset me and I became terrified that my family and I would somehow find ourselves in a similar situation to the Simpson family. Like I said, I had an over-active imagination and it was totally conceivable to me that I might get abducted by human-eating aliens! It took me a while to get over seeing this and I know I had difficulty getting to sleep for some time afterwards. I have seen that episode as an adult and it still creeps me out, making me feel like a scared little child again. Though that's the only specific detail I remember, I do also remember the atmosphere of the episode being rather intense and creepy. I have a difficult time watching shows or films where a character is sneaking about and in danger of getting caught. Those kind of scenes literally increase my heart rate! I do feel a little silly for choosing The Simpsons to answer this prompt! I was a strange child! |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Love that song! In my last therapy session (and a few previous ones too) we talked about my intense need to be in control of everything all the time. And it's true -- I am a complete control freak. I don't know why I'm like that. My therapist asked me what do I do if I feel out of control and my answer to that was, "I self-destruct". Because I do. And again, I have no idea why. She pointed out that if things even go a little bit wrong, I go into a major panic. It's true -- it's all true. She asked if I try to control other people and that question made me defensive so I immediately answered with an emphatic, "no!" But I think I do. I think I do try to control other people. But not in a "I'm better and more powerful than everyone" way, but in a "I need things to be a certain way otherwise I can't cope" kind of way. I hate being like this.But this is why I am having such a big breakdown at the moment: The Job. I'm getting closer and closer to finding out whether my life is going to change for the better or... well, I don't even want to go there right now. So the deadline is the coming Monday. I posted my application on Tuesday. Yesterday I called to ask if it had arrived safely and the woman I spoke to said she didn't know but would email the guy in charge and get him to contact me. He didn't. I emailed the woman in charge of the whole programme today but she didn't get back to me either. My two attempts at trying to get more control have resulted in me feeling even more out of control! So I'm going a little insane right now. I can't get the thought out of my head that my application is lost in the post. And I know that's extremely unlikely! I'm just not coping with all this at the moment. So I'm restricting my food intake and losing weight when I am already underweight. I'm washing my hands excessively. I'm doing a whole host of other crazy things that I don't want to blog about! The first interviews are the second week of March. I don't know if I'll even be alive then -- the rate I'm going I'm about to have a heart attack or my head is going to explode or something! Why does my mind work like this? But as much as I hate my mind, I love it too. I've been working on my most recent campfire poem and I was really struggling with a certain line but this morning I woke up with a solution to the problem just sitting there in my brain. That happens to me all the time and I love it! So I know there is a lot wrong in my head and things are not working, but I sometimes feel afraid that if I fix the broken stuff, then I might inadvertently alter the stuff that is working. This is why I can't cope with the medications that make me forgetful. It doesn't matter how many doctors tell me it's just a side effect that will wear off, I can't shake the idea that it might be permanent and that I might lose something I truly value. And yes, I am very, very worried that any medication I take may impact on my imagination and my creativity. Maybe these fears are the real things stopping me from getting better? I don't know. I do know I'm rambling though and I am incredibly tired and drained, so I'm going to stop blogging now. I hope this entry makes sense. I'll try not to keep blogging about the job and my craziness. I'm boring myself! |
| There are three things I need to rant about today! Rant 1: The conservation group I volunteer for was originally set up by a national environmental charity. When they lost their funding to continue running the group, we, the members, decided to make it independent, i.e. manage and fund it ourselves. This meant that there were various roles available for members to take over and I volunteered to be the group secretary, helping with any of the administrative tasks and managing the Facebook page. I was already pretty much managing the Facebook page, just from my own account (which wasn't ideal) because the lady employed by the charity kept saying she would give me the page admin rights and then never did. Anyway, although I kept repeatedly saying I wanted to help with the group, no tasks ever came my way. I couldn't keep up the Facebook page because nobody was informing me in advance what we were going to be doing etc, so I had no information to update the page with. Plus, I still hadn't been given the admin details for the page, so couldn't log into it. Then our new group leader got the page information but did he pass it on to me? Nope.  Now, as well as running the group, which I assume involves taking care of all the paperwork I was supposed to be taking care of, he also maintains the website and manages the Facebook page. I don't really care about the other admin stuff, and the website was never anything to do with me, but the Facebook page was mine and I'm pissed off that he has taken it away from me. And It's not like he needs it! He's retired, I believe, but super busy with various projects. I, on the other hand, could really do with getting some admin experience because that's pretty much the only thing lacking on my CV. That's why I volunteered to do it in the first place. He knows I'm really shy and don't have much confidence so is probably aware that I'm not going to confront him about it. Clearly he's a control freak. It's so annoying! Rant 2: My appetite... it's crazy! Honestly, if normal eating is eating whenever you get hungry, then I should be eating every hour and a half to two hours. That's insane! No wonder I get freaked out whenever I try to start eating more normally -- it feels like I'm eating an absurd amount. And it doesn't matter what I eat -- I can have a huge meal full of protein (which I know is what fills people up) and I'll still get hungry again in two hours. What's with that? Is it a fast metabolism? I don't know but I shouldn't have a fast metabolism because I have sub-clinical hypothyroidism. I don't know what else would cause that though. I've been experimenting with my meals, trying to find something that fills me up for longer, but nothing seems to work. Grrrrrrrrr.Rant 3: There is something wrong with my car! It smells bad. I googled "car smells like rotten eggs" and it would seem that the catalytic converter is the problem. My mum's mechanic friend confirmed that tonight. I guess I should count myself lucky really as this is the first time in ages that my car has had a problem, but it's a stress and an expense I don't need right now! I'm actually thinking I might get a new car this summer. Eeeeek! That's a big deal because my current car (Lemar) happens to be my first car and I love him (yes, my car is a "him!") Giving him up is going to be so, so hard. But it would be nice to have a car that I don't need to warm up before driving! Lemar needs to be warmed up for five minutes before I can go anywhere otherwise the engine cuts out! But back to my rant: the mechanic can't fix it this weekend so I have to put up with the smell for another week, maybe more. Ew! At least it's okay to still drive though. Anyway, that's enough ranting for now! |
| So... I posted my application this afternoon. It was pruned and polished to near perfection with the help of several wonderful WDC members, my job centre adviser and the lovely lady from the careers service. I say "near perfection" because I was never going to be 100% happy with it. I'm way too much of a perfectionist and this opportunity is so unbelievably important to me that it was impossible to do an application I feel completely satisfied with. Yeah, I put, way, way too much pressure on myself. I could not have worked harder on it and I feel proud of myself for giving it my all and giving myself the best chance. Now that stage is complete. I can breathe again! It has been driving me insane since I first saw the job advert back in early January. The whole process has been overwhelmingly emotional and draining. But I can relax now until the next stage. I know I'm guaranteed a first interview. I'm nervous because I don't interview well but hopefully my application will go some way to securing me that all-important second interview. And hopefully they will really be able to tell how much this opportunity means to me, how much it will benefit me and how hard I will work if I get it. That's what I wanted to get across. Damn, I am so overwhelmed by all this right now. Seriously can't wait until it's over and I know. I just want to know so I can work out what to do next. In other news, I read a fascinating magazine article on eating disorders that looked at how crazy the health system in the UK is when it comes to people who clearly have an eating disorder yet don't fit the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa. It explained how people are effectively being told they have to get sicker before they can get support and equated this with cancer patients being told they can't get help until their tumour is bigger, which would obviously be ridiculous! It just shows how mental illnesses are not viewed as seriously as physical ones, which makes me so angry. People with mental health problems are being failed in this country. My own eating is really bad at the moment and has been since my disastrous appointment with the doctor. My weight is back at 6 stone and I'm still actively restricting, so will probably lose more. This freaks me out but I can't stop. I don't think I've ever weighed less than 6 stone as an adult. I'm doing what that article says people are having to do to get help -- I'm getting more ill. It's stupid. It's crazy. I shouldn't have to get worse. They should be helping me now. But part of me wants to get as thin as I can so I can go back to that doctor and say, "I begged you for help and you did nothing". I know it's messed up but I would find that satisfying. I'm in a bad place mentally at the moment. I'm sorry if I'm not being a good WDC member. I know I'm behind with stuff. I'm working hard to get back on top of things but I am exhausted. Please be patient with me. |
| I am... beyond exhausted. I knew today was going to be tough -- and it was. I didn't think it was going to be traumatic -- but it was. I got off to a great start this morning though. The careers adviser absolutely loved my job application. She even got kind of emotional and said she finds it a privilege in her job when she gets to hear people's "stories". She said it's a really strong application and that I have an excellent command of the English language, so go me! She also said I come across as really intelligent and determined, so go me again! She gave me such a boost. I've been needing one of those! Everything has been so bad recently. Honestly, I hate being so negative this early in my new blog, but I need to offload this stuff. I won't swear though! I've decided there will be no naughty words in here (or very few anyway!  ) I want to try and keep it at an 18+ rating if possible. Anyway, things got so bad with my eating that I went to see my GP (the inept one, not my regular one, who is still off sick). I asked him if he could chase up my referral as I need help now and he said he'd write to them. I thought that was crazy when he could easily ring them and I was there telling him how desperate I'm feeling. So I repeated again that I need help now and he just replied with, "well what do you want me to do?" Then he told me to go to the Accident and Emergency department at the hospital if I'm worried. Then, to top off such a wonderful appointment, he offered to prescribe me a high-calorie protein drink as my eating is bad... though I have an eating disorder and intense fear of weight gain... which I was asking him for help with. What is it with these people?Doctors... I am so, so sick of them. My hospital appointment today... ARGH. I re-lived the traumatic experience I had when I was 13. It was the same thing!!! I don't know how I managed to not freak out. Intense flashbacks tonight, though. Feel mortified, vulnerable, out of control. My therapy session was tough. I told my therapist what happened this afternoon and she made me feel so awful by saying, "well, weren't you prepared for something like that?" No, no I wasn't. And I realise this is all a bit cryptic, but I don't want to blog about the details. Then she said next time I could be more in control of the situation by asking the doctor questions about what he intends to do etc. That made me feel bad too because if I'd done that today, then I wouldn't have been re-traumatised. But there isn't going to be a next time anyway. Doctors are not allowed to touch me anymore. The consultant this afternoon wants to refer me to Oxford hospital for more specialist tests but I declined. It has been left that I'll see him again in 3-4 months and we'll see if there is any change etc. But I'm not going to that appointment. I asked my therapist if my reaction to what happened today is abnormal and she said no. Then I asked if my reaction to the initial traumatic event was abnormal and she said no to that as well. But despite her saying that, I honestly, truly don't think she gets it. Nobody ever does. So I think it was abnormal. Both times. But, whatever. All I care about now is the job I'm applying for. I'm sending my application tomorrow. I've worked so hard on it. I really appreciate the people who took the time to help me with it. |
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