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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm not sure if I mentioned that I now am part of a tutoring community. I signed up with them the other week. It's a challenging yet a good job, and I'm helping people to do better in school. School is a big deal, and this culture wants everyone to have a college degree, because they want people to earn a good living. So if you know anyone who wants to be tutored, please send me a message here. My day yesterday went a bit choppy. I was alternately ok and depressed. I felt inundated with a lot of thoughts, and they were driving me crazy. I finally got so fucking sad that I cried, and asked Jesus to heal me. I am going through therapy and seeing a shrink. I have been going through therapy for so many years since I got slammed in my job at Yale. I was so fucking unhappy after I left Yale or even while I was there. I am not ashamed to reveal this fact that I am depressed and it might be something that affects me more deeply since I became a real writer. I suffered a great deal of highs and lows when I attended my Creative Writing program. I thought then that creatives tend to be so fucking emotional, but it might be due to their craft as writers, actors and screenwriters, or anything like that. I remember thinking that when I had to think of how to create a character, I had to get into that character's psyche and it was so fucking amazingly sick, and not sick like bad, but sick like wow, how exciting that I could get into a character's mind and see what motivates them. I took a short course in writing online before I went to get my MFA and the teacher talked about how actors in a play or film have to have what they called "stringlines" which they have to have in order to decide how to portray a character in the movie they're making. Stringlines are what writers or directors or anyone involved with writing in a movie or play - they are a narrative of what the character is, where he came from in life, his motivation, his fears, his goals and that I found so fucking amazing, so very happy making that I might have gotten into a big discovery. In making a character I have gotten the idea that this might be somehow a hamrful thing to me in my mind. I don't know if actors out there have that same idea or reaction or side effect from portraying roles that are harmful or bizarre, or even villainous. Even character roles might be a problem for a sensitive nature and I wish that this didn't happen to them. I think that the downward slide of anyone in acting could be due to a role the actor played decades ago which might have yet to be resolved or to put it in a graphic way, exorcised. It is important for anyone in the creative business to understand that the mind is so very susceptible and the idea of subliminal communications or messages is so endemic in the things writers/film actors and other creatives go through in their work. I pray that those who are suffering silently, and keeping going on with their creativity could pause for a moment or two, and think about how they could get themselves help. It's not an embarassment anymore to admit to anyone that they're in therapy. I remember that in my first instance of being in therapy, I was told by my therapist that nobody should know that I"m going through it. So I had to 'skulk' out of work early to get to see my therapist. I causedme a great deal of sadness to have to leave early at work to see my doctor ever three or four weeks. I knew that some people at work would look down on me and talk about me. I think after that time I went through other employment and later I admitted to my superiors that I did see a therapist. One of them said what for, friends can do it for me. I told her that ideally a friend might be ok, but friends can only hear the problems that you have one too many times and they'll be thinking and telling others you're a bore and that you are such a needy and clingy person, so if you think that then that really happens. I know that if a person got paid to hear my problems that person is agreeing to tolerate the problems you present and is trained to know what and how to help you. So please, go see a therapist, and just lie to people about the damn problem of how to present that person as a therapist. Or, go into a disguise and wear a moustache to see him, haha. All I want for people who are creative is to preserve their talents. That's their way of earning a living. But if they are sad all the time due to their work, then they need this way of coping with the aftermath of the work they have done. It's terrible, I know, but what can you do? If you pray and that is good, pray to God and Jesus about how you're going through hell and they'll be helping you to cope as well. Some people hate the idea of going into a 'church' or be a part of organized religion. Well, that's just a prejudice that is directed against people who pray or think about their faith. This 'crutch' thing has been given to me in conversation by a bastard and she was not anyone. I think that if you do think of it as a crutch, well, fucking do it then. Just tell people you aren't perfect and nobody is, are they? If we were perfect, it would be like why do you even live on earth anyway? I wish to be a peaceable person. I do not wish to create a fuss anywhere I go. I merely wish to be a good and helpful person. I hope that this post will be helpful to everyone. Mary |
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