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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| Listen, can you hear that sound? It is the sound of my shattering heart. I am so tired of the ache and the pain. I am tired of the tears burning my eyes and the scream catching in my throat. I am just so tired. Sometimes I feel like sleeping until I wake up like Rip Van Winkle with everything that I know now gone and different. The Lady Dee called me tonight, to talk. She did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. I listened as the prattled on about work, divorce proceedings with her soon to be ex, problems with her son's father, problems with her sister, brother and father. I listened until I couldn't take it anymore. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart I asked her what she wanted from me. She said that she just wanted someone to talk to and she could always talk to me. Barely a whisper I said not anymore. She wanted to know what I meant. I told her, Dee I love you and I would give anything to spend the rest of my days with you, but that is not what you want. You just want me to be your friend, your shoulder to cry on. I want to be your friend, your lover and father to your child. I'm not waiting for you anymore. I love you and I will always be here when you really need me. I mean really need me, not just to talk. I can't do it anymore and I won't. Goodbye Dee. I hung up and I waited with fear in my throat and a throb in my temple for her to call me back. The phone never rang and my heart shattered. I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Thanks to Highwind for my kewl BLOG sig. It rocks and so does she. See you in the funny papers. quote; You think that I don't know that? I know that I'm not what I once was. I know that! But I haven't changed so much, that I would go and lie to someone that I love. God, I would walk through fire before I'd let them feel like they were nothing! Birdee Pruit (Sandra Bullock) - Hope Floats |
| I keep opinions to myself but sometimes I have to say something. I saw two things on TV tonight that attracted my attention. They didn't really make me angry, but they made me shake my head in disbelief. First; There was a show on MSNBC, I think it's called Donny Duetsh or something. He was doing a show about sexual predators online picking up underage girls and the things they said to them. They actually got these guys to go to supposedly, a young girls house for sex and when the door opened out sprang reporters with a camera. I thought well good arrest those guys. Doing something like that to underage girls is just wrong and should be punished. Yeah, well it gets a little deeper. Apparently there was this sixteen year old girl who went to the authorities after a guy she was talking to said that at sixteen she was getting over the hill. SO she goes on to tell the guy that another guy she used to date had a daughter who was ten. The guy she was talking to said that was almost the right age for him. OKay disgusting and the guy should be castrated. Worse he runs a chains of family denistry. Okay more disgusting you figure he is around kids all day probably. Guy deserves to be worse than castrated. So after the guys says this stuff to her about the ten yearold she helps the cop sit up a sting to catch the guy. SO good for here right. Go get em and all that. Well her was the little catch for me, that made me say, um, what? They mention in passing how the girl has been going on line looking for sex with older men since she was FOURTEEN. They blew over that little detail like it was nothing. kind of like, Savanna had been looking for guys on line to haave sex with since she was thirteen, but this guy said he wanted to sleep with a ten year old. I mean hey man wait a sec hold on. Sure this guy is disgusting and needs to be taken off of the street, but this girl was looking for SEX ONLINE FROM THE AGE OF FOURTEEN, doesn't anyone see something wrong with that. And she was looking for sex with OLDER MEN. I mean shouldn't someone have brought that up as well. I mean she is definately not the hero they are making her out to be. She is almost as bad as the older guys looking for younger girls. What the hell is wrong with this world. I just don't understand. I don't get it. Second; There was a show about conditions on Riker's Island. They were returning for a show after originally doing one in '99. There were guys they were interviewing who were bragging about guys they shot and how they always get bailed out and haven't had to do any real time yet. Then the reporter said that they were really in from driving without a liscense. I found that kind of funny. But what got me was guys in jail complaining about food not tasting good, strip searches, not having there own clothes to wear, not being able to be outside, and having to spend there days behind fenses or bar in tiny cells. I'm like hey stupid you broke the law that's what you get. Your in PRISON not club med. Well I'm sorry your in an orange jumpsuit, sorry your in a eight by ten cell, sorry you are hardly outside, sorry there is no seasoning in your food. You BROKE THE LAW and you are costing taxpayers an average of 47k a year to feed cloth and board you. I mean what the hell man, someone needs to start getting receipts and asking questions. I get by on less than 20k a year to buy clothes, food and board. I get by fine. Man If I had 47k a year for that I would be living on easy street. It just gets me when they complain about unfair treatment. Man this ain't right. I can't wear my own stuff. I live in a small room, I get bad food, no fresh air. Man it aint right. Oh yeah Jimmy what did you do? Oh I killed some old lady in her sleep. Oh yeah fucktard your lucky to be alive. SO shut up. Okay I think I was a bit angry there. But my rant is done. Let the comments commence. Be gentle. quote; These walls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. They send you here for life, that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyways. Red (Morgan Freeman) - The Shawshank Redemption |
| Where is the me that was, just a few short months ago? It seems as if I can no longer write anything. Everything that I click away read like utter garbage to me. I get dejected and throw it away never to be seen again. I have the first five chapters of Perpetual Rage posted and I have written as far up at chapter 12, only to chunk those chapters as one, because they weren't what I wanted the character changed to much from what he needs to be. This all happened right around the last time I entered Legerdemains "15 for 15 Contest --- Closed"  [18+]. Well guess what it has returned and I am going back for more, hopefully in doing this again I will find out where I left my creative fires. If you have a chance you should enter the contest. It is real fun. Everyday for 15 days there is a new picture prompt. Everyday you have to write something inspired by that prompt for fifteen minutes. It's a lot of fun and I expect to see some of you there.
Not only am I rarely writing anything I feel is decent, I have also drifted away from reviews. Now I do find reviewing a chore, because having no "learned" writing skills, how can I critique someone? For a while I was doing fine I would review 3 to 5 pieces aday. Then suddenly I couldn't bare to do it anymore. Even now I will go to the plug page or requested reviews page and I cannot bring myself to review anyone. It's even hard for me to review those that have review something of mine, and that just ain't cool. They at least deserve a review in return not just 100 GPs. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** See I even have a kewl review sig, made by one of my good sig making friends. I really like this sig. I have asked a few different sig shops for specific sigs and no one seems able to make those for me, and this one is kind of close to what I want. Plus it's got a sail boat and the open sea, I mean what can be more Solitary than that? The sigs I wanted was a man, in shadow facing forward alone. Preferable a man on a horse on the side of a hill in shadow. The second one I wanted was a review sig. A lone man in shadow walking away, or preferable a man on a horse in shadow riding away into the sunset. Okay I think I have rambled on enough for now. Just trying to get the old creative juices flowing, but I don't think it is working. Oh well, peace and hairgrease. quote; Do you know the Tristan Rêveur quote about bad art? It's "bad art is more tragically beautiful than good art 'cause it documents human failure." Henry Letham (Ryan Gosling) - Stay |
STOP before you go any further into todays diatribe go here;
read, then come back. I'll wait for you. . . . . . . . . . . I just love reading her entries, I even gifted her a little blue awardICON for it. Her entries make me pause and look into the deeper meaning. They make me think about something other than the normal crude flying around my head. Well I feel a good bit better today. ALthough I think the cold is retreating it has still left me with a sickness hangover, either that or it's from all the cold drugs. lol. I would say I am running at about a good 70% for the moment. Praying for no relapses. So for all the jumble in my head I can't really put anything to keyboard, so I think I will away to sleep. See you in the funnypapers quote; Dear God, I do not ask for health or wealth. People ask you so often that you can't have any left. Give me, God, what else you have. Give me what no-one else asks for. Amen. Pita (Dakota Fanning) - Man on Fire. |
| As a whirlpool or black hole spins sucking everything into it's gaping maw so does the spiraling jumble of thoughts in my head. It seems that more times then not I sit here wanting to say so much, but not finding the words. I find myself troubled by the actions of a young former member of this site. I wonder what would possess them to lie about an illness for the sake of a few more donated GP's. It's sad that this person tried to take advantage of so many giving people on this website. It would make me angry as if she was attacking my own family, if it wasn't so damn sad. Then on the other hand I am bouyed by the generousity of other members on this site. With my monthly contest I give away GP's for 1st, 2md, and 3rd place in ammounts of 10,000, 7,500, and 5,000. Even though I do not list it on the contest I give awardICONs for the three places. I don't mention it in case I am short of GPs one month and can't give them. FOr Christmas I doubled my normal prizes. For December's contest PlannerDan won first place for his heartwarming story that actually brought a tear to my eye. So in winning I sent him 20k GPs and a ribbon. You know what? He sent the 20K back and said the ribbon was enough. Why can't people be more like that?
Baby, I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. Baby, I didn't love you quite as often as I could have. Little things I should have said and done, but I never took the time. You were always on my mind. Hmmm, I don't think I like that song. I dreamed that I was singing that song to the light of my life as she walked away from me. The problem was, I could not see who it was. They just walked away as I cried out the song while it felt like it was ripped from my chest. Oh well, shoulders back, chin up. This is how we face the world. Be damned the agony in my heart. For tomorrow, tomorrow is another day. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm going to bed. Peace and a bye bye. quote; Oh, uh, Charlie - about your little problem - there are two kinds of people in this world: those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover is better. Which will you be, Charlie? Lt. Gol. Frank Slade (Al Pacino) - Scent of a Woman |
| Shhh, can you hear the gentle snore of the sun putting to rest yet another day? Just over the horizon it sleeps until it awakens, shining light on your future. I am tired from being sick and a little weary from the "drugs". I'm feeling a little queezy. I am the poccessor of scarred souls. Mine being chief among them. My soul is wounded and scarred over, but some of those scars are fresh and the break with the slightest of provacaation. I received a call from the Lady Dee tonight. She wanted to wish me a happy New Year and Merry Christmas since I did not show up at her parents house for their Christmas Eve party, as I was invited to do. We spoke for a bit with her doing most of the talking. As we got off she said that she missed talking to me and she wished that I would call her once in a while, to talk. Freshly healed wounds no more. They ripped and were split assunder. Again I am as one wounded by unrequited love. I cannot make myself call her for fear of the same thing happening again. I am afeared of getting close to her again only to have her push me away when it becomes too much. I truly love her like your grandfather loves your grandmother. I look at her and I do not see the woman she is today I see the teenage beauty from seventeen years ago. That is all I ever see when I look at her. God, how sad am I. Do not laugh when I say that I have loved her for more than half my lifetime. We have dated on and off almost that entire time and I have always loved her. Always. I loved watching her laugh, smile, and cry. I loved watching her walk through the halls with her books clinched to her chest. I remember everything about our firsts. Our first date, dinner, and home cooked meal. Our first hug, kiss, and intimate encounter. I remember feeling lost as the smell of her faded from my clothes after hugging her. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. But they say lots of shit. Damn them. Well okay, then, I think that is enough for now the nytol-seltzer-44d-asprin cocktail is kicking in getting drowsy and loopy. I didn't even talk about what I wanted to when I came in here. I don't even remember what I wanted to talk about. Luv you guys. Later. quote; Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into mine. Rick (Humphrey Bogart) - Casablanca |
| Maybe bowing my head in shame is not the correct analogy for what I mean, but it is close enough. It seems that most nights I come in here I talk of lonliness. Other nights I talk about what ever topics I glean from other BLOGgers. Then on other nights still I sit here and gripe about my writing not going where I want it too. All these things are little and petty when you see the problems of other people on this site. To the outside world I am an uncaring, angry ogre, yet that is not the real me at all. It is just the me that I put out for everyone else, unless something happens to really anger me. Like a woman being mistreated or an act of blatant racism. Those events cause me to disgaurd my fasade and take action. I am the cliche teady bear trapped within the gruff exterior. I am the softy who wants to cries for others pain. I am the gentle soul who wants to take everyone's unhappiness into myself so that tey can have a few moments of peace and joy. I am the light that wishes I could take away the your illness and absorb it so that you can remain healthy and enjoy your life. Yet that it not what I can be no matter how much I want it to be so. I cannot take your pain, your unhappiness, or your illness, as much as I want to. I am the ogre who would like to buy the world a song and teach it harmony. I want to be the bringer of a better day. All I can do is cry like a whiperwhill who's lost his will to fly. I am sorry for your pain, your illness, your unhappiness, your lonliness. If you have made it this far through my seemingly senseless ramblings please do me one favor, visit the BLOG of this young lady and tell her that she is in your prayers and your thoughts. She is in the hospital undergoing tests. Visit her, wish her well because I am known as an ogre for a reason. In the words of Bill Bixby "Mr. MaGee, don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I am angry."
***this entry has been edited*** Thanks for visiting them. quote; On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That is was my job? My job? Paul Edgecomb (Tom Hanks) - The Green Mile |
| Just when I thought the illness of the lst week or so was gone it has returned with a vengeance. My stomach feels as if Rocky is punching away at it. There is a great knot in the pit of my stomach. Every time I cough it clinches painfully. Hopefully I will be able to sleep. I am now heavily drugged. lol. Nytol, alka-seltzer plus, 44D and four asprin. Hopefully that will knock me out for the night. I think my vacation is going to suck. I was really hoping to announce the winners for my two contests tomorrow. Oh well time shall tell. God it hurts..... |
| I have sat here for nearly an hour wanted to say so much, yet not finding the words to do so. What do I want to talk about? Topics of the Day: 1) Racism- I know that everyone, irregardless of race, creed, or sex is racist to a certain extent. You can't help but be that way. If you say you are not, your probably fooling yourself. It is the way we were raised, you can't escape it. Now I'm not saying that we all go around and burn crosses or paint swaztika's. But there it a little part of us that is racist. It's not something to be proud of. I detest racism and I know a few guys who are racist and proud of the fact. It's kind of stomach turning. I know a guy who has a sticker on his truck window of the White House with a Rebel Flag flying on top of it with the words "I have a Dream..." emblazoned across the top. It is highly offensive to take the words of a great man and belittle them that way. I am surprised the guy is still alive sometimes. 2) BLOGgers- in recent days I have seen lists of favorite BLOGgers in different entries and I have blushed to find myself in some of those entries. It's funny though that there seems to be a core group of us that are in everyones list of favorites; TOR, CC, PlannerDan, Nada, Wind in my Wings, Scarlett, Mavis Moog, and Susan L to name a few that seem to always show up in lists. It's funny how, because of BLOGs we seem to all be revolving around eachother, sort of like family. That's not a bad thing. There are other things that I would like to talk about tonight, yet the words to describe what is in my mind escapes me. I want to talk about depression, writing, and a few other things, but the words won't come. Who knows, maybe tomorrow. Only time will tell. quote; Tristan, I have no where to send this letter and no reason to believe you wish to receive it. I write it only for myself. And so I will hide it away with all things left unsaid and undone between us. Susannah (Julia Ormond) - Legends of the Fall |
| Before I get into anything else tonight I want to speak on one subject. I know some of my entries have come across as incepid, sallow, whinnings of a depressed soul, but they are not. It is hard for me to put clearly into words exactly what I mean, but I will try. In my normal day to day activities I am not depressed at all and am fairly happy. In my saner moments I think that I am not ready for a relationship, as my situation is not currently the strongest. Meaning basically that I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself at the moment to have to worry about another soul. See I can recognize that about myself. Most of the entries that come across seeming depressive are written in the wee hours of my day before I slip off into my nightly nap. In those quiet moments sitting before my monitor I think about being alone without anyone to share my day and all that other relationship jazz. Although I know that this BLOG is ready by a few handfuls of people day to day, mostly I write in here to clear the clutter out of my head at night so that I can sleep. The comments when recieved are nice and welcomed, but I am not writing about being alone to get a {{hug}} from anyone. I don't know if that really makes any sense. Your probably thinking then, why write in something that others can see? Well consider yourself the other half of my relationship. Cause face it we all need someone to talk to once in a while who will allow you to get everything off of your chest before they interupt. I still don't know if that makes any sense. It sounded good before I wrote it. lol. I have been sick for almost a week now; bouncing from virus, to cold, to virus, to cold again. In doing so I am behing on announcing the winners of my two contests from December. So hopefully I will have that done by Sunday at the latest. I was asked the other day, how do you write? I answered, WordPerfect10. They were like; no, do you outline? character scetch? Start at the end then go back and flesh out the story? The list of do you's was long. Finally, I had to beat them about the head and shoulder with a Thesauraus. I felt like Buggs Bunny, Ah, shaddap. I told them that simply I have a basic idea, I stew it around for a few days, unless I am instantly inspired to write it out (it does happen everynow and then), If I can't get the whole story out I delete it until I am ready to pour it all out. That got me to thinking. I tend to write either really short (500-1500 words) or long (novels) I don't write anything in between. It seems I either want to rush and get it all out or take forever to tell the story. I do not like to edit or rewrite, I don't know why. Of all the things in my Port, even contest winners, the only thing that I have rewritten is the first chapter of Perpetual Rage. That was a minor rewrite; just a new opening paragraph and a rearranging of the doctors descriptions. When I do rewrite things they tend to double and sometimes tripple in size as I flesh out thin sections and further develope characters. So that means that when I get around to rewritting Perpetual Rage for real the five chapters, so far, will easily go from their current 24k words to near 50k. I still have sixteen chapters to go before I finish the first draft, but I can't seem to get them out. I have written up to twelve chapters and chunked them as a whole because they seemed to be utter garbage to me. Still it is my resolution to get Rage done by the summer, and to lose weight (but that is a secret resolution that you don't know about, so forget I said anything ok? ok.) I do not get along with one of the ladies at work. Yesterday I watched as she stopped a customer and accused him of stealing. She made him take off his coat in the store so she could check him. None of the other store employees saw what happened, but I did. I wanted to say something to the kid, who was black and wearing a big coat, but he left the store before I could get to him. SO I told the manager and she brought myself and the lady into the stockroom. After asking why she accused the kid of stealing, she said it was because he had a bulge in his coat. See, he had the coat over his shoulders and not on and the bulge was his arm. The mall keeps the heat up rather high so it is always warm in the halls, but our store keeps ac on and it is rather cold switching from hall to store. Anywho she kept going on about trying to stop theft and blah blah blah blah. Then she turned on me for saying something to the manager about it. Guess what I had enough of her mouth and lit into her. I asked her if she thought he was stealing because he was black and she got mad. I told her that I see the kids coming in reading Manga comics with their coats the same way and she never says one word to them about stealing. I wonder if she didn't accuse them of stealing because she liked talking to them about manga or because most of them are white or Asian. So of course she started having a fit. So I told her it didn't matter, because what she did was wrong. She had no legal right to accuse anyone of stealing without seeing them actually take anything, even of there is a bulge in their coat. Then the boy showed back up with his mother and I was asked to leave the stockroom. It didn't sound good back there and I had to go home before it was over. Needless to say she pissed me off with that little stunt. Anywho I think I have rambled on enough. I have run the gamut tonight; depression, illness, writing and racism. Good times. quote; And who are you? So full of hate that you have to fight everybody, because you've been whipped and chased by hounds. Well that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain't dying. And dying's been what these white boys have been doing for going on three years now, dying by the thousands, dying for you, fool. And all this time I keep askin' myself, when, O Lord, when gonna be our time? Gonna come a time when we all gonna hafta ante up and kick in like men, LIKE MEN! Rawlins (Morgan Freeman) - Glory! |
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