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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| Through all of the things that were going on between Kris, Dee and I, I still struggled with depression. There were still night sitting in the dark wishing that it would all go away. Wishing that it would all disappear. There were still nights when I felt like the only person left in the world, with no hope to end the loneliness that was in my heart. There was something different between Dee and I after that last time I saw her. She grew shy around me and rarely spoke to me. It wasn’t anger at what I said, it was more like an embarrassed indifference. Still, I got to watch Dallas as he grew. I got to see his first step and hear his first words. I got to see the wonderment in his eyes as I held him. Kris finished school and came home. She pressured me into finding an apartment in Virginia Beach for us to move into. It was a difficult time, I had lost my job. I don’t really remember how I managed it but I did find us an apartment. We moved there and my new friend Craig helped us move. Our first few nights there were simply amazing. There was just the two of us and there were days when we did not get out of bed. There were morning when I awakened to her movements and attention. She did have the most amazing ways of waking me up. I decided that I would give her my full love and I began to think of Dee less and less. She still crossed my mind almost everyday, but not quite as much. I found work as a security guard, which Kris absolutely hated. She said that the job made me cocky and angry. OF course she was right. I used to catch one, sometimes two shoplifters a night. I worked in the worst neighborhood, between to projects. Through the job I let out all of my anger and frustration that had been building since I was young. Ultimately Kris made me quit the job. We stayed at the first apartment for a year, before we moved to a townhouse and once again, friend Craig was there to help. Such a good guy. Over time he started to joke about how pretty Kris was and how he was going to steal her away from me. He used to joke with her about going in the bedroom and making out while I watched TV. Kris asked me if she could go fishing with her friend from work, Fawn. Of course I said go ahead, I didn’t want her to be sheltered. I didn’t want to take away her friends. She asked if she could go out to a club with Fawn. Again I said go ahead, I want you to have fun. I told her that I had already had my rowdy days of drinking and partying in high school, if she wanted to go out, go and have fun. One day Kris came home from work with both Craig and Fawn. I thought it was strange when Craig and Kris sat beside each other on the sofa and Fawn stood near the phone. Kris tried to speak and started crying. I looked from one to the other waiting to hear what was going on. I was nervous and a little scared. Craig cleared his throat and told me that he and Kris had been seeing each other behind my back. To make matters worse Craig was married and was leaving his wife. To make matters even worse, Kris was pregnant. Pregnant with what could have been my friends child or mine. I was devastated. Not only had Kris cheated on me again, but she did it with my best friend at the time. I stood, tears in my eyes, vision blurring, and I began to punch every picture of us on the wall. My hands became cut and my first left bloody prints on the pictures and the glass. Kris yelled at me to stop making a mess in her apartment. I looked at her and him, I hated them, I curled my fingers and flung blood at them, at the walls, at the furniture. I left the apartment and walked to the stream behind us. I watched the cool water move and I wanted to climb into it and float away. I wanted to breath in the water and drown all my pain. The voice in my head fought to tell me what to do. An hour later I walked back into the apartment, in time to catch the end of an argument. It would seem that Craig decided to stay with his wife after all. Kris’ reaction should have told me enough to make me runaway and never come back. She told Craig, that if he was going to stay with his wife all along, why did she have to tell me anything. She could have just let me think that I was the father and never bring Craig’s name up. Craig went home to his wife and that night I slept on the floor in the living room. Just as I was drifting off to sleep I could see Kris standing in the hallway crying. Part of me wanted to go to her and tell her everything would be alright, we would make it through. The other part of me hated Dee, for not believing in us strong enough to have made things work out between us. I turned away from the hallway, closed my eyes, ignored the sounds of her tears and went to sleep. quote; I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. Noah (James Garner) - The Notebook |
| I sat there looking at the phone, trying to figure out what to do. I knew in my mind that the trouble she was in now was of her own creation. She had done something that I thought was unforgivable, she cheated. She begged me to come back to her so that she could cheat on me a few months later. It was her own fault for going with a man seven years older than her who was know for chasing young girls. He hit her and I was sad for the situation that she was in, but it was no longer my problem. The problem was all hers. She brought it all on herself, she cheated, she begged me back to break my heart. She cheated I could not forgive her, her indiscretion. I didn’t want to be a hero. I. Didn’t. Want. To. Be. A. Hero. I pulled up to the restaurant in my red steed, galloping out of the darkness all in shiny armor. He saw me when I got out of the car and he recognized me. I smiled, he grew angry. I walk inside and Kris was sitting there fear etched on her face. She tried to smile when she saw me. As she stood she tried to speak. All that came out was, I..., as she shook her head, near tears. I hugged her and told her that it was okay, I was there to take her home. We walked outside and as I opened the car door for Kris and placed her inside Mike got out of his car. He called after her and she put her face in her hands. I turned to look at him flames of rage burning in my eyes. I walked toward him and he tried to stand tall, he poked me on the chest. I laughed and looked down at him. This was the first and only time I spoke to him. “Get back in your car, drive off, and never come near her again. First let me tell you that I hit back, second, I see you near her again I will kill you. I don’t mean beat your ass, I mean kill you. Now go away.” He stared at me for a moment, got in his car, drove off, and I never saw him again. Over time I forgave her. It was a long and hard road, but I managed to do it. We started dating again and if anything our relationship became stronger than what it was before. I loved her, but still, as before there were days when I wondered if I loved her or loved the thought of having someone to love? I mean can you really love someone when you heart and soul belongs to another? Is it even possible? A few months later Kristina went off to live in Charlottesville with her sister so she could go to Beautician’s school. The job I had at the time was shift work and once a month I was off from Friday morning until Wednesday afternoon. During that monthly long weekend I would travel out to visit her after getting off at seven Friday Morning. I would drive without any sleep to visit her. During my visits I would take her out to eat or see a movie and I would give her money so she could buy some things for herself since she only worked around ten hours a week and her sister made her pay for certain bills while she was there. A lovely family that bunch. While there during my visit. We loved each other, we slept together, we cuddled, we made love, we showered, we cried goodbyes. I can honestly say, that in the midst of making love I never thought of Dee. Those moments were for Kris and I alone, I owed her that much. However, other times together, Dee did cross my mind. I could never entirely push her out of my mind, unless we were in the midst of passion together. While Kris was in school I used to go to visit Elaine, since she was the mother figure I needed, and we used to talk about a lot of things. We talked about Kris. We talked about Dee. We talked about me. Then of course there was Kris and Me, then Dee and Me. Dee was not around she had moved out into an apartment with a friend of hers. But I did manage to see Dallas once and a while when Elaine would babysit. From time to time I would see Dee and there was a thick barrier between us. We rarely spoke and when we did there was an air of embarrassment. I know it broke my heart to see her and by the expressions that I would catch on her face when she did not know I was looking, I think it broke her heart too. One day I was over visiting and only Ira and Shavon were home. Shavon was about sixteen by then and she was dating some guy I don’t remember the name of. Anyway, Ira was outside working on his truck which was always broke down. I went inside to get us something to drink and I walked in to see Shavon’s boyfriend slap her. When he saw me he left her sitting on the sofa holding her face. He tried to walk by me and before I knew it I caught him in the chest with a closelineing fist. The air flew out of his chest in a hoarse croak and he flew backwards landing on a coffee table and breaking it. I picked him up by his shirt as he struggled for breath and I told him to keep his hands to himself. On another day I stopped by to visit to find Dee sleeping on the sofa. It seems that she had the flu and was staying at the house while everyone was away visiting family in Pennsylvania. She was home alone and lying on the sofa covered with a thick blanket. She was drugged on antibiotics and to make things worse she was drinking on top of it. From the way she was acting she had been drinking for sometime. As we talked she started to bring up her feelings for me. I told her to stop. She looked hurt, but I told her that I was seeing Kris and I would not cheat on Kris, even with her. I told her that I had seen what cheating can do first hand from my parents and then when Kris cheated on me. I would not do that to someone I cared for, no matter what. I stood to leave and she lifted the blankets to show me that she was naked. I didn’t like her much in that moment, but I knew it was the antibiotics followed by alcohol talking. I told her to grow up and walked out. A glass shattered against the door behind me. quote; Would it make a difference if I told you that no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as I love you? ...I am not saying that, I am just saying it like if you were a girl, would that be something you would want to hear? Evan (Ashton Kutcher) - Butterfly Effect |
| Dee was pregnant with another man’s baby and I was the one standing by her side. I did whatever I could to make things easier for her. I used to wash her car, keep the oil changed, and various other little things. It was more than she could stand. In the end she pushed me away because she said I made her feel like an invalid. She said that she was more than able to do things for herself, she didn’t need me babying her. Soon after Kristina cornered me saying that she wanted to talk for a while. We drove out to an old farm and walked amongst the ruins of the house and barn. She said that she loved me and wanted me to come back. I knew that I shouldn’t do it. I knew that I shouldn’t have gone on the walk with her. I should have ran away. The only thing was part of me wanted to be back with her. Part of me wanted to be with her to fill the void left by Dee pushing me away. I wanted my rebound. We were back together for four months when I found her with another man. I drove to the campground to surprise her after work, by picking her up. When I arrived at the restaurant I found her sitting on a picnic table kissing him. I was defeated I climbed out of the car and asked her if she was ready to go home. We didn’t speak all the way home. When she climbed out of the car she was crying. I sat there not knowing what to do. She walked up to my window and told me that she wanted to see other people. So here I was again alone in the big bad world. I was heartbroken. Dee had pushed me away and Kris had thrown me away. I went by to visit with Elaine only to find Ira there with Dee’s sister Shavon. He told me that Dee had gone into labor. I left quickly driving to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital Dee was already in the delivery room. I sat with her parents as well as her brother and sister who I brought with me. I was so nervous. It was almost as if it was my baby she was delivering. It wasn’t but I wished it was. With everything what I am I wish that baby was mine. Soon Wesley showed up with flowers, stating that he wanted to be there for the childbirth. He told a doctor that he was the father, the doctor told him that the mother did not want him in the room with her. I hated him, I wanted him gone. Jealousy had reared it’s ugly head. He left dejected and we waited for Dee to deliver. I felt relief and tears of joy when I heard Dallas’ first cry. It wasn’t long before Elaine and Bootsy went in to see their grandson. After a little bit of time they came out and said that Dee wanted to see me. I walked in nervous. I was scared to see her. I walked in to find her holding Dallas. She looked so tired, but so absolutely beautiful. I don’t think I ever loved her as much as I did in that moment. The happiness on her face with her son in her arms filled my heart. I walked over and looked down at him. He looked at me with big blue eyes and in that moment I knew that I would always love him as much as I loved his mother. A few months passed and Dee went back to work. At night when I got off of work I would go by the house and help take care of Dallas. Every night I used to fall asleep on the sofa waiting for Dee to come home, with Dallas held against my chest. Let me just say, that there is no feeling as great as a baby’s heart beating against yours. There are not enough words to describe how that feels. I couldn’t even do it justice to try. When Dee got home she would take Dallas to his crib and come back into the room waking me with a kiss. We would then stay up and watch a movie. While the movie was playing I would ask her about her day and we would just talk. Sometimes afterward I would go home. Sometimes I would stay and we would sleep with my arm wrapped around her. Sometimes I would stay and there would be no sleeping. Sometimes. Again things did not last for long and we pushed eachother away once again. She decided that I was too serious for her, right about the same time I decided that she was not serious enough. Still we stayed friends. Still I would love her from afar. One night I get a call from one of Kristina’s friends. She told me that Kristina needed help and that I was the only one who could help her. The guy she was seeing was in his mid twenties, so she couldn’t call Kristina’s parents. It seems that she tried to break up with the guy and he didn’t like the idea. He had hit her once, and now he was waiting for her to come out of her job. She was scared to leave. Not my problem. She made her bed, let her lie in it. Then I slowly hung up the phone. quote; I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. Kate Stratford (Julia Stiles) - 10 Things I Hate About You |
| At the time I felt that I truly loved Kristina. Still there were times when I would sit and think, Do I love her or just the thought of having someone to love? There were days when that would trouble me more than anything. I didn’t not want anyone to be hurt. I never wanted to cause anyone any pain. About a year after we were allowed to see each other again, my parents decided to split up again for the final time. Of course I had seen it coming. I was not blind, I could still see. After they split it sent my personal life into a tail spin. All I could see was Kris and I together in a few years breaking up because we had been high school sweathearts. I didn’t want to be together for a few years only to realize that we wanted something else out of life. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I broke up with Kris and ran for freedom and loneliness. I started going back to all the parties, but something felt amiss. No longer did I enjoy the drinking of years before. I found all the other drinkers around me to be a bore. They were no longer enjoyable to me. They were silly kids trying to relive the parties of high school. Already trying to live in the past just a year or so gone. I found it sad, so I stayed away. A few months later I went by to visit Elaine and while we were talking Dee was sitting in the breakfast nook. I teased her for a second, asking her why she was not in college like she was supposed to be. The last year of high school Dee left the general populace behind and threw herself into academic study. She had decided she wanted to go to college. She left from the breakfast nook and walked by quickly and it looked like she was trying to hide a little swell of her stomach. I asked Elaine what was wrong with her and she said that she was afraid for me to see her, she was embarrassed. It would seem that while she was at college she met Wesley, a boy from home who she fell for. They became involved and in the process she became pregnant. Which is all good and well, except that Wesley, sweetheart that he was told her that is she did not have an abortion he didn’t want anything to do with her. Once more I was broken hearted for her. Slowly I walked up the stairs to her room and knocked on the door. She told me to go away. For a second I almost did. I stood there with my head against the door, trying to decide what to do. Finally I knew that this time, rebound or not, I would not leave her alone. I turned the door knob and walked in. She was sitting on the edge of her bed and when she saw me she was on the verge of tears. I walked over to her and knelt at her knees. I told her I was sorry, I told her that I would always be there for her. I told her that there is nothing she could do that she would ever have to be embarrassed about with me. Nothing. She cried then and hugged me. We ended up laying in bed together with our fingers intertwined and laying across her stomach. We became inseparable after that. Most days when I would leave home to go visit her there would be notes on my window from Kristina begging me to come back to her. The first time I had met Wesley I instantly hated him, of course he was not a nice guy and he was hateful to the woman I always loved. One day when I was at the house he went upstairs to talk to Dee, it would seem that he had decided that he wanted to be a father after all. When he came back downstairs he confronted her brother and asked for some money that he had borrowed. When Ira said that he didn’t have it, Wesley grabbed his shirt. I had enough, I loved Dee and I had seen her brother and sister grow up, so I loved them too. I told him to get his hands off of Ira. I reached in my wallet threw twenty dollars at him and told him to get out of the house. He let Ira go and looked at me. Then a gruff voice came from the hallway. It was “Bootsy”, he told you to get the fuck out of the house. Wesley picked up the money and walked out. I went upstairs to see how Dee was doing and I found her crying. I kissed her and told her that everything would be alright. She smiled faintly and I kissed her again. Then I kissed the tears from her eyes. I told her that I would always be right there for her. She kissed me then warm and full of an undeniable heat. We made love for the first time that night. quote; Look at that park down there! Just think of how many loves lost and found, how many first kisses kissed, how many Frisbees lost and just remember that is your park my friend and you've got your whole life to walk though it. Monk Jablonski (Zak Orth) - Down to You |
| This entry is a little painful for me to get through. A lot of people have told me to let it go and get on with my life, yet I find that I cannot. Somethings are better left in the past, but sometimes they won’t stay there. Senior year finally arrived and my world was set for change. My parents decided to get back together after five years. Kristina and I began my first serious relationship. My drinking finally got to the point where it scared me, I mean really scared me. SO I struggled to stop drinking. At first I did not want to date Kristina. I mean she was pretty, funny and attractive, but I was afraid to date her. Our parents had been friends for years, from the time before I was born. I was afraid that if Kris and I began dating and something happened it would strain their relationship. I didn’t want to be the cause of that. Over the summer, just as school began she wore me down and I gave in. I never felt as strongly about her as I did about Dee, that would always be a problem. School started and my world was strained. Dee disliked Suzanne and hated Kris. Suzanne disliked Dee and hated Kris. Kris hated them both, but put up with them because I was friends with them. Well only Suzanne, Christine, Kris and I hung out together with a few other friends. Dee was always on the outskirts, walking in the shadows. As the school year went on Dee cause the first of many fights between me and Kris by flirting with me in front of her. When I asked her why she just said because and walked off. For the better part of my senior year I was allowed to miss most of my classes. I was helping Mr. Williams with the school play and I got to adapt Grease, My Fair Lady, and a couple other musicals for the play. It was during the play the Suzanne and I drifted apart. She started dating an older guy and started to use Mr. Williams as an excuse to get out of the house to see the guy, saying that she was helping with the play. We got into an argument about it one night and we were never able to repair our relationship. The night of the cast party at Mr. Williams house Kris and I walked down to the beach near his house. It was a nice spring night and the sound of the water crashing on the rocks was soothing. We made love for the first time that night and in that moment I was hers. She was not my first by a long ways, but for some reason I became hers that night and we became even closer. So close that I pushed Dee away as well as Suzanne and Christine. After that night she owned me. Over time the drinking stopped and for awhile I was happy. For awhile. The school year was over and I graduated with Kris in the audience, and Dee three people in front of me. After graduation I got in my car to leave and Kris asked me where I was going. I told her that Elaine had invited me over for a little Graduation party. She was furious because Dee was going to be there, I mean after all it was her house. So to ease the anger I brought her with me. As you can imagine that was not at all a good idea. It was like putting two wet cats in a room together. The hisses and puffs of hair were everywhere. At the end Dee told Kris to calm down, because she was the one with me while Dee was the one alone. A month later I learned that Kris had passed out at the grocery store. I see her arrive home and I go over to check on her. Her father, Pete, nearly came through the screen door after me. I was informed that I could not see Kristina again. She was sent away a few days later and I had no idea what was going on. Only later did I learn from Kris’s friend Maria that she was pregnant. I was scared and happy at the same time. I felt that finally I would have someone who had to love me unconditionally. If I was to be a father, then my child would have to love me. Finally there would be some love in my life. Finally. Her parents refused to let us see each other even after she returned home, childless. While she was staying with her sister in Charlottesville she had an abortion. And that fast I was a babyless father. Just like that I was once again alone in the world. Alone with no one to love or be love by in return. Like a veil in the eclipsed afternoon sky, my world filled once again with darkness and thoughts of death and alcohol. Finally after I asked to pay for the abortion, and succeeded in doing so I was allowed to see Kris again. I probably should have keep running in the other direction, it would have saved my a lot of pain later, but I loved her and she loved me. Or so I thought.... quote; Everybody's been in love but how come we don't know that it's true love 'till it's over? Maybe theres no one or two or three or four or even five. Maybe there is no such thing as true love. And we just keep on dressing up, we keep pretending to be something that we're not. We lose ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think we are. What if the something that we're looking for just doesn't exist? Jennifer (Claire Forlani) - Boys and Girls |
| So eleventh grade began and my friendships began to strain. Dee and Suzanne became jealous of each other, leaving me stuck in the middle. I refused to choose one over the other. Which made the situation really fun and enjoyable. A real bag of laughs. Suzanne and Mike broke up, Jeff and Christine broke up when he left to join the Navy, and soon after Dee and Jean-Marc broke up. I stopped by Dee’s house to visit with her parents and she answered the door near to tears. Her eyes were reed and puffy and it nearly broke my heart. She half smiled, called out to her mother and went upstairs. When Elaine came into the room I asked her what was wrong, she said that Dee had finally decided to sleep with Jean-Marc and he broke up with her the same night when he dropped her off. I went up the stairs and knocked on her door, but she did not want to talk with me. So I left. All the way to his house I drove with a bottle of vodka between my legs. When I got to his house. I swallowed a mouthful and walked up to his front door. When the door opened and he stood there with a big smile on his face, I saw red. He had soiled something that I would have given my life for. He broke her heart for a few kicks and high fives from the guys, The world began to spin and my vision flooded red. The first punch landed on his nose. As he fell back I walked into the house swinging. I don’t know how long it lasted but when I realized what was going on I was being pulled back by his brother and another guy. He was laying on the floor, face a bloody mess. Two other guys lay on either side of him clutching different parts of their bodies. In those few minutes the world disappeared and all that was left was my rage. I pulled away from them and left the house. There would be a few more altercations before the school year was out, but nothing as major as that was. Dee approached me in school later in the week and said she wanted to talk. SO after school I gave her a ride home. Before she got out of the car, she thanked me. She leaned forward and for the first time she kissed me. It was amazing. Sweeter than anything I had ever tasted. When she pulled away my lips stung with the taste of peppermint and my tongue tingled from the slightest touch of hers against mine. She asked me to come in side and talk for awhile, maybe watch a movie. In that moment I was given everything I had wanted from her. A chance at maybe more than friends. I would have given anything to have been a real part of her life. I would have given anything to have been her boyfriend. I looked her in the eye and it killed me to tell her no. No, she said as she stared at me. I told her that I was sorry, but I didn’t want to be her rebound, because it wouldn’t last. She was crying when she got out of the car and my heart ached to chase after her. I ached to hold her in my arms and tell her that I have loved her for so long. Instead I watched her walk inside, head down, in tears. After a few moments I drove away crying. Suzanne and I stayed friends and we spent a lot of time together. She watched as I dealt with the pain of not going after Dee, when I had the chance. She stood by my side and gave me comfort. I hated myself for letting her walk away, but I knew it was for the best. Something else happened near the end of the year, I stopped drinking. Just stopped. Though it wouldn’t last for long. The summer was coming. This was the first summer I didn’t work at the packing shed, I had gotten a job with my cousin Steve at a campground. Of course we spent the summer drinking, partying, and chasing girls from across the globe. Hey, we were young and that is what young guys do. We even dated twins from Hawaii, both of them, since they liked to switch places on us. One day Dee came up to me while I was filling the drink machines and asked me if I could give her a ride home. I told her sure. She thanked me for not coming inside that day, because I was right it was a rebound thing. I told her she did not need to thank me. Near the end of the summer I started to spend time with Kristina. She used to come into the campground, because her sister worked with me, and she used to flirt with me. She would come into the store in a bikini since she was going to the pool and flirt with me forever. One night while she was staying with her older sister we were playing flashlight tag. It was me, her, my friends, Lynn and Sean and a few others. When one of the other guys were it the two of us hid together behind a big tree. I looked around the tree to see if anyone was coming and when I looked back she stepped forward and kissed me. It was a nice and long kiss. quote; I need to talk to you. Every time I call you're either taking a bath, washing your hair or you're out of the country. That was a good one, by the way. Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey) - Can't Buy Me Love |
| Suzanne and I drifted away, but grew closer. It was weird. Any feelings that were growing between us during the trip, changed to friendship after her ordeal. I stood beside her and sometimes in front of her. There were girls in school who claimed that she made the whole story up for attention. It was a rough time for her. I had received my license by then and from time to time I would pick her up in the morning or give her a ride home after school, depending on how bad the day went. On the weekends we spent almost all of our time together; me, her, Christine and her boyfriend Jeff. We used to sit around Suzanne’s house drinking and watching movies. Her parents were almost always gone on the weekends and Christine would stay over to keep her company. One weekend Jeff and Christine disappeared into on of the bedrooms and Suzanne said she was going to bed. I grabbed a blanket and laid down on the sofa. Soon after I heard her call me. I went to her bedroom and opened the door. There was a dim nightlight glowing in the room and she was sitting on the bed naked. She said that she wanted me to sleep with her. I walked into the room, closed the door, picked up a bathrobe from a chair and wrapped it around her. I told her in a soft voice that is not what she needs, she needs to be comforted. I held her and she cried. The tears seemed to flow forever. I woke up a few hours later, lying in her bed, with her resting against my chest. As much as I wanted to sleep with her that night, I couldn’t. She was a friend in need, she needed comfort, not sex. She thanked me later. I told her there was no need. It was that year when I first saw the girl who would tear and shred my heart. I stood at the front door of my dad’s house watching as Kristina did cartwheels next door. My dad told me to stop staring at her, she was too young for me. There was a three year difference, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. Around this time Dee was going out with a little rich boy named Matt, he had one eyebrow. His mother didn’t like Dee and she told her once that she was not good enough for her son and that she knew she just wanted him for his money. Hard to believe an almost forty year old woman would tell a fifteen year old that. When prom came around I was over at the house visiting when he showed up to pick Dee up for their date. As they were standing for Elaine to take pictures “Bootsy” came home. He proceeded to tell Dee that she was making a mistake and that I should be taking her to the prom, not some rich momma’s boy. He told her that I worshiped the ground she walked on and she couldn’t even give me the time of day. That didn’t really help our relationship. During that tenth grade year I moved on to drinking Everclear, a pure grain alcohol, and going to wild parties whenever the chance arrived. The depression was still severe, but well hidden. I had taken to wearing masks of happiness in public. No one, not Dee or Suzanne, ever noticed the lie of those masks. There was a new English teacher that year, Mr. Williams. It was he who got me to write for the first time. I wrote a two page story about a guy who loved a girl who would not return that love. The story ended with her being dropped off at her boyfriends house and as she walked away the guy said “I love you.” When she asked if he had said anything he said no. After he left she said “I love you too.” Strange as this may sound it ended up becoming a 150 page vampire novel. LeAnn came up to me one day to tell me that she was dropping out of school. I don’t know what she wanted me to say, but she walked away from me in tears. Dee and I drifted apart a little, although we still talked on the phone from time to time. Suzanne started dating Mike, who used to date Dee. So of course he was all to happy to find out that Suzanne and I were friends. The relationship with Suzanne and I continued. There were plenty of nights when I would lay beside her and listen to her talk until she fell asleep. Just as the summer started Dee and Matt broke up and she started seeing a guy named Jean-Marc. Strangely enough we all became friends. Even though he had what I wanted so bad. It would last through the summer and as school started for eleventh grade it would all crumble, violence would follow. quote; We don't want your forgiveness. We won't make excuses. We're not gonna blame you, even if you are an accessory... But we will not except your natural order. We didn't come for absolution, we didn't ask to be redeemed. Parker (Ryan Phillippe) - The Way of the Gun |
| The rest of ninth grade continued uneventful. LeAnn chased after me for a while until I told her to stop there was no chance. She grabbed me softly in a place not used to being grabbed and said “Are you sure.” I removed her hand and told her “Yes, you have a child to worry about instead of finding a new boyfriend.” The hurt in her eyes was thick, but I just walked away. I could say that we became friends after that, but I would be lying. We passed in the halls and smiled to each other, but that was it. Her sister approached me again, and I was waiting for another slap. It didn’t happen, she actually thanked me for putting LeAnn in her place. We did become friends. Mary was a nice girl, nice smile, cute dimples, long hair. Bold, she told me not to get any bright ideas. I didn’t. Near the end of the school year a teacher came up to me, who at one point was coached in little league by my father, he wanted me to play football. I told him I couldn’t, my father made me work instead during the summer. So I could not be there for summer practices. He walked off in a huff. The drinking had progressed to a dangerous point. No longer was I able to get drunk, unless I really drank a lot really fast. No longer was I getting the swollen head feeling. No longer was I getting the room spin. No longer was I getting the warm thick feeling. Did I stop drinking? No, that would be too easy. Again summer came and I was back working with Dee’s parents and her. Her parents loved me and he father even brought up my drinking to me one day when we were alone, playing chess. He didn’t lecture me, he just told me to be careful. BY this time I was falling more and more for Dee. When she was out to the movies with Mike I would stay up at home and wonder what she was doing until I knew she had to be home because of her curfew. One night after work, they gave me a ride home and Dee and I sat in the back of the truck. They were dropping her off at Mike’s first, before taking me home. When she climbed out of the truck, I whispered to her “Don’t go.” She said unto me “What?” I smiled and said I didn’t say anything. As we pulled away I said, softly, gently, “I love you.” She stopped and turned to watch us drive away. Again I felt swallowed by the darkness. I wanted to go away, I actually drew blood that night, crying in the dark. That summer Dee and Mike broke up, was I the cause. Yes, and no, but mostly yes. Mike hated me as much as I hated him. One Saturday I was out with a few friends and we were playing pool in a gameroom. He walked in, saw me and turned to leave. I laughed and called after him. He stopped and I invited him to come play football with us on Sunday. I told him he could even bring Dee with him as a cheerleader. I just wondered who she would cheer for. He started walking toward me and the owner of the gameroom told him to leave. They broke up shortly after. While working in the one packing shed, I also worked in a second one as a favor to Dee’s Aunt Brenda, who was married to my cousin John Henry. It was tiring working both jobs, but the money was nice. Given that since I had been working for the last three summers, I had to buy my own school clothes, I didn’t mind. Most of the summer was spent trying to get drunk and popping No-Doz. When school returned I met a few new girls, who dismissed my reputation, but not at first. They were friends with each other and both very pretty in different ways. Suzanne and Christine. Suzanne was small and very petite, beautiful face and short shorn hair. Christine was voluptuous, curvy, thick lips, long strawberry-but-more-blonde hair. We didn’t really become friends until near the end of the year. We had gone on a band trip for some competition. We were at King’s Dominion, kind of like a Six Flaggs, and the three of us with a few others rode almost every ride. We stayed at a hotel for the night, partied, ordered pizza, and everyone got drunk, except me. It’s seems I wasn’t able too as much as I longed for the escape. After spending another day at the park we headed for the long bus ride home. Suzanne and I sat together and we kissed and cuddled for most of the ride home. As we separated to go home that night she gave me her phone number and told me to call her. I called the next day and she hung up on me. I called her back again and someone else answered the phone. I told her my name and she said that Suzanne could not come to the phone. I left my number and told her that if Suzanne felt like it later to give me a call. Late that night she called. My mother woke me up to give me the phone. I muttered hello and Suzanne was on the other end crying. I asked her what was wrong. She told me and I felt all of the rage that I had to fight to suppress well up and want for a place of release. It would seem that in the morning following our band trip Suzanne’s ex-boyfriend came by for a visit. He was a few years older than her from another school. During his visit, they argued and Suzanne told him to leave and not come back. Instead of leaving, he violated her. The more she fought the rougher he got. The best thing to come out of that, if it can be said, is that the boy was arrested. If he wasn’t, I don’t know if I would be here now. I would have killed him. Pure and simple. quote; Don't you think that everyone looks back on their childhood with a certain amount of bitterness and regret? It doesn't have to ruin your life! Ethel (Katherine Hepburn) - On Golden Pond |
| As I have said my eighth grade year passed by mostly in a blur. There is not much that I remember. The drinking persisted as did the cigarette smoking. Though the smoking stopped near the end of the school year, when one day I decided that I was inhaling smoke on purpose when hundreds of people died of smoke inhalation everyday. The depression persisted and I spent almost all of that year alone; few friends, few dates, no parental supervision. Still there was plenty of booze. That summer, I once again worked with Dee and her parents at the packing shed. It was a grueling summer, but I still managed to pass through most of it drunk. That summer I found a friend named Andy who had the same interests I had in comic collecting. We used to drive across the bridge tunnel into Virginia Beach once a week to pick up the newest comics. I spent most of that summer watching Dee from a distance and talking to her a little bit on the phone. We even shared a couple of lunches together, as friends. Near the end of summer, when they were at home relaxing from a hard days work their house caught on fire and they lost everything. Their entire lives were gone in a puff of smoke and ash. When school started soon after I fell for Dee then and it was a total stumbling crash. I remember her walking into class that first day of school wearing a black dress with a purple stripe going diagonal across the front. She looked so sad and helpless that I wanted to take her in my arms and protect her. She started dating a guy named Mike, while I started dating Christy from long time ago. You remember the one who I thought stood so cute. We were not destined to last at all, by that time in ninth grade I was a worldly drunk in look of affection. While she was just a teenage girl looking for someone to hold her hand. I wanted from her what she did not want to give, so we parted. I am glad to say that even in my drunken condition of most days, I did nothing that she did not want to. I did not force myself on her in anyway and we parted as friends. I was just looking for love. Something I didn’t feel I had gotten for so long. Dee and Mike lasted the entire year and I hated him for it. I made it into high school with a reputation. I was left alone, there was no hazing for me as a freshman. Somehow I had become the peacemaker. If I happened to run across more than one person picking on another, or an uneven fight. I would put a stop to it, just by appearing. By the time I had reached twelve I had stopped growing. So at fourteen I was a presence. All six foot three inch, two hundred and forty pounds of me. I was big and strong from summers and partial school years of slinging fifty pound bags of vegetables. When I appeared and said to leave someone alone, people were left alone. I was still a rotating satellite around all of the clicks, known by all of them. The rich, the cheerleaders, the jocks, the brains, the poor. They all knew me, but none excepted me. I became more dissatisfied with school, stopped doing homework, and just did classwork. I would pass all the tests and skate by in the classes with C final grades. Then I saw LeAnn again. I was walking down the hall and she came up to me and gave me a big hug. I hugged her back, but was a little shocked. Her boyfriend at the time, a muscled headed football player named Scott, walked up to us and pulled her away. I half-laughed and he got pissed. He pushed her away and stepped up to my face. He wanted to know what I was laughing about. I told him that I wasn’t going to fight him. I didn’t want or need the trouble and I didn’t want to mess my hands up. A few of his friends walked up to get his back. I put my hands up and backed away, I didn’t want the trouble. I didn’t fight anymore. Of course that made him think he was king shit on turd mountain. I watched as he turned to walk away and he grabbed her by the arm, did a little twist and lift thing and she yelped. I dropped my books walked up to him, turned him around and punched him square on the mouth. He went down and his friends turned to come at me. I put my foot in his crotch and told him to tell them to stop. I told him that they may beat my ass, but I would make sure he suffered first. He told them to stop as I pressed my foot into his crotch. I told him very quietly that he could mess with me if he wanted to and I would except it, but I would not allow him to put his hands on a girl in my presence. Then I just turned and walked away. My hand ached, but I refused to look back over my shoulder. The guy was a junior and I was a freshman, scared to death. I walked head high and the hall parted for me. The whole school knew me after that. I was tested every now and then, but I would not fight back until they hit first. The only exception was when someone who could not defend themselves needed help, or a girl was struck or grabbed. The drinking and depression continued. Their were many nights sitting in the dark with a knife or a razor at my wrist, begging for the strength to go through with it, and crying because I didn’t. quote; It's hard for many people to believe that there are extraordinary things inside themselves, as well as others. I hope you can keep an open mind. Elijah Price (Samuel Jacksone) - Unbreakable |
| After the fighting ceased I still had to deal with the ramifications. I was an outcast, viewed with careful eyes and fear. Teachers gave me a hard time and I was never given the benefit of the doubt. Any mistake I made no matter how small was punished to the full extent. Jimmy and I were still friends, but even that started to change. For all the mistakes I made, the smoking, the drinking, the stealing, the fighting. There was something that I did not do, although Jimmy did. Drugs. I watched as Jimmy deteriorated before my eyes. He rapidly went from pot, to coke, to stuff even harder. He began to come to school drunk and high. Who was I to judge as I watched him crumble, I was almost as bad. I used to come to school with Vodka in Sprite bottles, bottles filled half with Mountain Dew and half filled with stolen Maddog 20/20. In the end Jimmy and Ann broke up and Jimmy was sent away. He had arrived at Ann’s house one night screaming for her to come out after they had broken up. He attacked her father when he came out. He was arrested and his family moved away shortly after. I saw Jimmy one time after that when he came for a visit four years later. He looked haggard and used. His eyes carried the blackened swirls of a desperate man. I never saw him again. The summer after seventh grade year was a little crazy. My father had moved into a house after getting out of jail and I again went back to stay with him. It was my choice, because I hated the guy that my mother was living with. We did not get along and he would not allow me to drink soda. I had to hide snacks and stuff because he didn’t approve. And of course at my dad’s house their was alcohol. That summer my father decided that I needed to get a job. He found me gainful employment at a packing shed. Now if any of you are from the country you will know what I am talking about. If not I will clue you in. A packing shed is a huge tin construct that seemed to absorb the heat of the day where it mingles with the heat of machinery. We packaged potatoes, tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans, and eventually kale, collards, and spinach. I didn’t want the job. So the day I came downstairs and saw the note from my father telling me to be there at a certain time I hid the note partially under the recliner and went to my Uncle Buck’s. A short time later my father showed up asking me why I wasn’t at work. I told him that I did not know what he was talking about, maybe the wind blew the note under the recliner or something. Not the smartest thing to say. Needless to say I spent the rest of the summer working. That summer I worked with the Lady Dee’s parents. Elaine, who would become much like a second mother to me. Especially then when I really needed it. “Bootsy”, who spent most of his life working on the water was a hard quiet man. We got along really good and we used to play chess together during our breaks. Near the end of the summer Dee came to work with us. The first day she arrived I was struck dumb. She was so amazing looking. She wore a red short and halter outfit with white trim. Her hair was pulled back by a scrunchie. Of course I knew her from school, but she was just a little girl for me to pick on in band class. I had been in academic class, while she was in general, so band was the only class we shared. We got to know each other over that summer. She became the light in the darkness. The sun rising out of the night to brighten my day. The light did not last for long, the alcohol would not allow it. The drinking persisted during the summer, but I was smart enough, or maybe desperate enough to keep it to myself. When school started up again, the drinking picked up in earnest. Dee and I had become friends. We shared homeroom together and a few classes, since I did so poorly the year before that I was dropped to general classes. That year I fell for a girl named Karen. She was a year older than me and I had known her from the year before. She took my side during the LeAnn fiasco and tried to offer me comfort a few times, but I was too drunk to notice. So we dated for most of a month, until she left me for her ex-boyfriend. I was just being used to make him jealous. We weren’t serious or anything, but still that little betrayal stung. I don’t remember much of that year, I do know that I almost did not pass because of missing so many days. I just didn’t want to go sometimes, so I wouldn’t. The depression I struggled with would take hold sometimes and I would just spend the school day in the woods drinking and smoking cigarettes. That year I ran away from home. I was gone for four days. No one noticed. No one cared. I wanted to go away. I wanted to stop feeling the pain. I wanted to die. quote; I was sitting there alone on prom night, in a goddamn rented tuxedo, and my whole life flashed before my eyes. And I realized finally, and for the first time, that I wanted to kill somebody. So I figured since I loved you so much, it'd be a good idea if I didn't see you anymore. Martin Blank (John Cusack) - Grosse Point Blank |
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