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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| Here I sit and wonder in another of my bouts of self philosophy. I can't help but feel that life is nothing more than things fading away. Throughout printed history there have been science fiction stories about time travel. Some of my favorite ones had traveling into the past impossible because the past is dead and decayed so there is no way to go back to it. For example Stephen King's The Langoliers. Travelers on a plane go back in time where things are stale until the Langoliers come and eat away the past. Looking back on the past is kind of like that, everything seems faded and grey. I think that how we remember the past is clouded by emotions. No matter how hard I try I cannot really think of things in the past as anything but sad or just, there. I have very few happy memories. Of course there are a few. A first kiss under a willow tree on a summer night, love under a starry night as snow fell and burned away on our steamy skin, making candy apples with my mother for Halloween, getting a bag of little candies from my grandfather, fishing with my uncle, reading and talking horror stories with another uncle, and of course there are a few others but I find them few and far between. Is that true? Are the memories I look on with fondness so few and sparse? Or have they become grey and faded by my bouts of loneliness and depression? Is the past dead and decaying away? I think back to my friends from childhood, adolescence, teenage, young adult and current years and I see sadness. The friends of long ago were not true friends, although there are a few, most of the were aquantences of circumstance. We lived near eachother, we had the same classes. My friends as a young adult were not friends at all as I think most of them were sleeping with my ex-girlfriend behind my back. Which doesn't say much for them or her. Now my current friends, for now, are friends I treasure. Dare I say, friends I love. Is that masculine? Is that allowed? Do I really care if it is or not? No. I realized that these were a different breed of friends around Thanksgiving where we came together as a "family" and we thankful for eachothers company. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I can remember. I felt at peace and apart of a greater whole. Not utterly alone in the wide world. Christmas time for me is just another day, birth of Christ or not. I have felt that way since the seperation of my parents. It seems that it was in that first year that the past started to fade away. Christmas was no longer a family event where gifts were shared from other members of the family, not just mom and dad. There were no longer visits with family to see what Papa Noel had delivered to everyone. Christmas became a day of underwear and a book here or there and of course clothes. Christmas became the day where the big gift was a queen size bed for my enormous six foot three frame, where even then my feet hung on the end . It became just another day. These new friends I have discovered appear to be making this the best Christmas in years. We are planning a big dinner on Christmas Eve where everyone will exchange gifts. Do you know how long it has been since I have recieved something from Christmas from someone other than Parents, real and step, or an ex-girlfriend? Not since I was eleven. I don't think that is the way life should be. Now I am not saying that I was underprivledged as a child, but my childhood ended at a pretty young age. I feel as if I have been alone my entire life and there are times when I want to fall to my knees and scream to the heavens, "What did I do to deserve such loneliness? Who have I offended?" When I was young I was not allowed to have friends come sleep over. In all of my hazy past I remember three birthdays. One, I beat up a neighbor kid for trying to take away a gift I had gotten from my grandfather. Two, three neighborhood kids came over for cake an ice cream. Three, when I was sixteen the Lady Dee came over for a nice dinner, just me and her. She gave me a book, of which I have forgotten the title, and I gave her a tape I made with songs and message telling her of my undying love. Recently somethings in the present have faded away, have died and decayed. One being, for the final time I doubt, the love of the Lady Dee has once again pulled away. What is it they say, "Those that forget the past are doomed to recreate it." I think I need to start remembering and stay away from that. Second being the characters in my stories seemed to have walked away and their words to me seem distant and distorted. They no longer seem to be speaking to me clearly. Third I feel tired and I feel like I really don't care, yet I do, so I am conflicted. I know it is the holiday season and I have received some very nice c-notes and sigs from friends, yet even here in WDC I feel like I am adrift in an ocean of loneliness, with water everywhere and nary a piece of land in sight. Friends who I usually hear from almost everyday have dropped away here and I know it is because everyone is so busy with the holidays. I look to the past and I wonder when did I become so needy and desperate for contact. When did the lonliness of my soul need to reach out so fast and so hard to others? When did I become this, this sad sack of tears and meloncoly? I have always been the Solitary Man in the crowd. This is not the me that I think I am, or is it? Is this the pealing away of the final mask? Is this the me that I have hidden even from myself? Damn self philosophy. By studing myself and trying to understand who or what I am will I become a better person? Will I come to understand everything around me a bit better? I don't know, yet my heart will not allow me to stop looking inward. I think I have rambled on enough for now, I have expoused enough self doubts for one evening. There is plenty of eggnog and cookies on the table in the back if you made it this far. May you and yours have a Merry Christmas, and may this one be the best you've had. Always....Solitary Man. quote; If anyone finds this, it means my plan didn't work and I'm already dead. But if I can somehow go back to the beginning of all of this, I might be able to save her. Evan (Ashton Kutcher) - The Butterfly Effect |
| Sitting her in the middle of the night I can't helo but think back to the Ghosts of Christmas Past. They come floating up in my memory unburdened. I remember riding out with my father in the middle of the night to cut down a tree in the woods to use as our Christmas Tree. I remember sitting up late that night as we decorated the tree as a family. There were all sorts of ornamates adorning the tree; from store bought globes, to items made in art class in school. Our dog Lady used to sit and watch the whole process with a look of bewilderment waiting for the sight of a camera to appear so she could jump into any picture taken. I remember getting all kinds of toys, pretty much whatever I asked for. Six Million Dollar man toys, Stretch Armstrong, games, racecar sets, train sets, remote control cars, all the Star Wars toys and Buck Rogers. I remember all those things from Christmas past. What I remember the most is the time spent with my family; my mother and father, back when life was good. Back when the events of the future were far far away. Back when all we had in the house was love, hard candy and fresh oranges. I miss those days with so much of heart and soul. It has been a long time since Christmas was more than just another day to me. I wonder if will ever be that way again. I hope it will be, but I can't help but wonder if it will. They say you can't go home again. I think you can try, but there is alot of heartbreak to come with it. Wishing you and your a Merry Christmas. quote; The Santa Clause. In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives all previous identities, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpituity to which time the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design. Bernard (David Krumholtz) - The Santa Clause |
| Well six more days and the worst part of the CHristmas shopping season will be over. Man, I cannot wait. By the Gods there are so many idjits out in the world. I get so many stupid question in a given day that I can not remember them all. I am so tired everynight when I go home. Anywho I've gotten all of my Christmas shopping out of the way. Of course I only have to buy for a handful of people. So my shopping was a bit easy. Actually I got it all done at two different stores. So woot for me. So anyway I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Year or whatever holiday your religion might celebrate. If I offended anyone by not saying Happy Holidays instead, kiss my ass. Frikkin PC bullshit. Bye the bye if anyone would like to donate their email address to recieve coupons from Waldenbooks or borders please send your email address to my WDC email. I need them for work so I don't get written up. I'm supposed to have 10% of my sales signed up for the email, and I am having a hard time getting people signed up. We don't sell the addresses and the coupons come once or twice a month for 20 to 40% of on book purchases. Ok I have begged enough for tonight. Sweet dreams and enjoy spending the hollidays with your loved ones. Peace. quote; It's Christmas Eve. It's-it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we-we-we smile a little easier, we-w-w-we-we-we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be. Frank Cross (Bill Murray) - Scrooged |
| In Tor's entry yesterday he talked of finding stats for who's blogs have been read the most. I think he has secret abilities here at WDC, because he is always finding kewl stat stuffage, when I can't even find my own stats if I searched my name. I tried to do a search like he said to do it, but I can't even find my name on the list. Oh well. Anywho I am so tired of stupid people and lemmings. I had a customer come into the store today and asked if I could help her find a book, she didn't know who wrote it, what is was called, or what it was about but she knew it was blue. I wanted to cane her. I think I actually felt intellegence leak out of my ears. I swear everyday stupid people make me come hom dumber than when I left. Another pet peeve I am having lately are all the political lemmings. I am so tired of people coming into the store and asking for Bill O'Reily's new book How to be a Bow Legged Bowevil in the Shark Infested Water of Today's Liberal media or some such and quickly following that with, Oh you probably don't sell it because he says on his show that book stores are censoring his stuff and not selling it. I just want to beat them and tell them look idiot do you think my store gives a hairy rats ass about not selling his book, we want to make money and you lemming that you are, are letting him trick you into going out and buying his book, fucking tard. Ok, I think I vented enough for now. Sorry, but King Kong wasn't as good as I hoped it would be. I'm a little upset by that. Sleep well. quote; Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen? Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) - the Jerk This quote aint got nothin to do with nothin just thought it were funny. |
| I don't know about my dreams being dark, but my writing has faded away to land of forgotten dreams. It seems that everything I write lately is utter garbage. I have written up to twleve chapters of Perpetual Rage, only to scrap them and start over with nowhere to go. Everything I write seems to come out cheapened and laking any coherence. Have I been told for so long that I have no talent that I am now scared of letting myself go and finish something? I don't know. I wish someone would tell me. I wish there was someone over my shoulder to tell me that I am at least a decent writer and that in time I will finish what I have started. I recieved a call from the Lady Dee the other day and she was wondering if I was still coming over to her parents for Christmas Eve dinner. I told her I was unsure at the moment. SHe said that she was looking forward to seeing me. It broke my heart to tell her that if I came it would be for her parents and her son more than for her. I won't allow myself to be pulled into the current of her love to have it roughly toss me aside again. I refuse. There has been a change come over me in the last few weeks. I do not know exactly what it is, but I do not feel as I did just a short time ago. One of the ladies I work with wanted to set me up on a date, I told her thank you but no. I do not feel that the time is right in my life for a relationship. My job is dead end, I have no car, I take the bus, my wardrobe is almost nonexistent, and while I am not in a state of depression I am in a land of confusion. I do not know where I am going or where I have been. Perhaps that is why myself and the Lady Dee did not work out once again. Perhaps in the back of my mind I was pushing her away without knowing that I was doing so. Perhaps? Maybe not? Then another of the ladies at work is trying to set me up with a friend of hers and I passed along the same story. She nodded as if she understood, then said unto me, or maybe you just need someone in your life who will listen and has shared some of the same experiences as you have. Maybe that is what you need. I don't know maybe. Who am I to judge the ways of the world. I mean my gavel is broken. Well I think that I have waxed psuedo-phylisophical enough for the night. It is time for sleep, and mayhap to dream of my world the was I would like it to be. quote; I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. Sean (Robin Williams) - Good Will Hunting |
| Can you hear that silence? You can not miss it. For tonight there is laughter in Heaven and a little less here on earth. Comic legend Richard Pryor passed away today at the age of sixty-five, from a massive heart attack. After suffering the last twenty years with multiple schlorosis Pryor constantly had a smile on his face. So tonight, there is a little less laughter in the world. Richard Pryor Dec. 1, 1940-Dec. 10, 2005 Always left them laughing quote; When you're an old man and you're eighty and your grand-kids are running circles all around you... that's cool. There's nothing cool about dying at twenty-one. Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor) - Harlem Nights |
| Trying to recreate something that was lost is almost impossible, yet I shall do my best. I wrote an entry at three in the morning and hit the refresh button by mistake and lost it all. I am not a man of integrity or a maker of profound statements. I am just a simple man. I am a self-professed evil man who could not careless about your day, your life, or that is the aura I put out to people around me. Why would I do such a thing? I talk of the fear of being alone, yet I push everyone away from me. Have I been alone for so long that I am afraid to open up and be myself to anyone except the fine people here in BLOGville? I am not this evil person, it is just yet another mask. Sometimes I get so tired of wearing mask, but alas I have been wearing them for so long I no longer know which or real and which or not. The goings on in the world disturb me. Misteating of our fellow man for nothing more than a laugh and to try and make ourselves feel better by bringing someone else down. I sit in the mall at work and I watch kids walk by in their little walk alike talk alike Stepford Patty Duke groups; skaters, pretty people, goth/juggalos. They all assume that they are so original, but they are not. They are bowing to peer pressure and not daring to be themselves. They are already preparing themselves for the Lemminghood of being an adult. It seems like we have become a society of followers with few "real" leaders. For some reason these thoughts will not leave my head. My mind tells me to put them to "paper" and get them out into the world and they will no longer bother you. It is my heart that knows the truth, just getting these words out into the air will not deaden the thoughts and troubles of my mind. quote; Here is your king's scepter, and here is your kingdom, with the scorpion, the cobra, and the lizard for subjects. Free them if you will. Leave the slaves to me. Ramses (Yul Brener) - The Ten Commandments |
| Does that even make sense? Is that even possible? I don't know. Sometimes I sit and wonder who or what I am. The voice in my head speaks so elequently and knowledgable only to be voiced as an incompitent child. I am sad and lonely, yet, content and enjoying of my solitude. I ache to have someone to hold each night, yet I and thankful to have the bed to myself. Is this the complications of a normal mind? I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination. It has been over a year since the last time I read anything of heft from the Bible. I do not want to be preached at and have you become angry for my not upholding your ideals. Yet, I always capitalize Bible and God and Jesus out of respect for the three. I have stated before that I do indeed believe, yet I am not a believer of organized religion. I would rather read the book for myself and come to my own conclusion of what the words mean to me. I am not religious, yet I have watched a movie called "Joshua" that brought me to tears with the revelation of who Joshua indeed was. I have watched a movie called "Flywheel" made by a small church in Alabama and have been moved to tears by the story and the ideals in the movie. I believe in treating everyone with the respect that they are due, yet, they are times when I do not do so. I complain about the stupidity of my fellow man, yet I ache to reach out and help someone in need. Am I a hypocite? I live with a mask have happiness, that is not real, yet it has been worn for so long that there are times when even I am not sure if it is real or not. Am I discombobulated? I believe that there are books out there that are written for young teenage girls that are far more dangerous for the ideals, values, and self-appreciation that Harry Potter books could ever be. Especially the series' Traveling Pants, Gossip Girls, and I swear before everything I hold dear this is an actual title of a book for young adults, Sloppy Seconds. I believe that sex should be between two people, whomever they may be, that love eachother, not just for a cheep thrill. I find it offensive and agrivating that mothers bring their daughters into the bookstore and purchase for them a book called video vixin, about a "music video honey" who has slept with all these different musicians to make a name for herself and the book is a best seller in out afram section. They see nothing wrong with the daughters reading this book, thereby I feel giving them the go ahead to act just as degrading as the author of the book. I am offended that the Afram section are full of book that push forth every stereotype that African American's complain about. Drugdealing, ganglife, prostitution and others. I am offended that talented authors are thrown in with these books just because they are black authors. They should be in the sections they belong in. Authors such as Alice Monroe, Walter Mosley, J California Cooper, T.D. Jakes, Toni Morison and I'm sure that there are a few others that I am forgeting. I look at the world around me with anger at the way parents are allowing their children to roam free for all the world to snatch. I am appalled at the intellegence level of the kids growing up today. They can barely read nowdays because of school that have "Reading" classes where the students are supposed to be helped with the fundamentals of reading, but instead the class is computerized so the can listen to books on tape instead of "reading" the books the old fashioned way, then at the end there is a few questions to answer to judge your comprehension of the "read" material. These kids are our future. OUR FUTURE, but instead of education on their mind they can only think of the next party, the next beer, the next drug, the next piece of ass. If you think your teenager does not think that way, in most cases you would be surprised at how wrong you are. I had a kid come into the store the other day and he asked me if you had to be eighteen to buy a book on sexual positions or a book on Kama Sutra. Our police is that there is no age limit to buy the books. He said good, because he wanted to buy for his fifteen year old girlfriend so she could learn to be BETTER AT SEX. HE WAS SIXTEEN. Can you see what is wrong with that. Can you see the error in judgement where he would even assume that the question could be asked? Can you imagine how shocked he was when I refused to sell it to him? I told him to come back with his parents and I would sell it to him. Be damned the repurcusions that I would have to take from the company. My beliefs were more important than this kid getting a book to help his young girlfriend to be better in the sack. I am not religious, but I believe and I have my beliefs. I am not right wing, or left wing. I could care less, I am what I am. I am myself, and I will stand before any storm for my ideals. I believe in abortion and a woman's right to choose. I believe in the death penalty. I believe that people should be treated as they act, not as the color of their skin. I believe you mess with mine you mess with me. I believe you mistreat a lady you are worthless. I believe in disapline. I believe in love, not lust. I believe it is your life to live as you wish, just don't judge me for mine. I believe that I am tired of being alone. I believe that I will always be alone, in someway. I believe that I am surrounded by love, yet alone all the same. I believe I have rambled on enough for now. Judge not lest ye be judged. I believe it and I try to live it. I so do try. quote; On the outside I am laughing, but the smile is sking deep. On the insdie I am crying, come join me for a weep. The Joker (Jack Nicholson) - Batman |
| I don't know how bitter and disillusioned this will all sound I have a raging migrane. Sometimes I wish I could forget the dreams that invade my sleep. I love someone scared to return the favor and my dreams constantly throw it in my face. I wish I could deaden the memories of her or at least the feelings so the dreams would not return or is she so deeply ingrained into my psyche that she will always remain? I dreamt last night of the lady Dee or our love that will not be no matter how much I want it too. She has pushed me away for the last time and I swear I will not return to her for my heart to be stepped upon again. In the dream it is the same as always just a different variation. I love her and want her so much I ache, yet we are both to proud amd to scared to be together. I see her in the dreams as she is in my memory; young, beautiful and as always just out of reach. I hate my dreams of here and the feeling of foreboding, loss and loneliness they leave behind. I hate the ache in my heart that feels to big to fill. I love her, I hate her, I don't want her, but I am afraid not to. To paraphrase Randy Travis. quote; We'll find her. But when we find her nothing will make her recognize you. Nothing will break her denial. It's stronger than her love. In fact, reinforced by her love. You can say everything you long to say, including good-bye. Even if she can't understand it. And you'll have the satisfaction that you didn't give up. That has to be enough. The Tracker (Max Von Sydow) - What Dreams May Come |
| Hello, everyone, my name is Solitary and I have an addictive personality. I don't mean to make light of those of you with "real" addictions, it's just that I think I have an addictive personality. I spent most of my high school years drunk, and in a delerium. I don't recall alot of what happened during the years from age 13 to 18. I do know that one day I woke up and decided that a drunk is not what I wanted to be so I stopped. Over the years I have traded one addiction for another. The long running additions have been food and caffeine. Over the last few months I have become addicted to this website, the people here, the BLOGs, the contest, the groups, the scroll, and the writing. Just when I didn't need another I have picked up one. Recently a computer game came out called, the Movies. It was immediate lust. The game is a sim much like RollerCoaster Tycoon, or the Sims. In this game you run a movie studio from bare empty lot to main producer of fine cinema. You even get to make your own movies with an amazing script creation system. The further you get into the game the more stuff you can create. You start in 1920 and move up to today. In the movies you control closeups, sound effects, music score, and you can even add your own real dialogue with a mic addition. You create actors, directors, film crew, extras, sets, props, costuming, builders, jainitorial. You have to keep your actors and directors happy to make good movies. You have to have script creators write scripts to become better writers. You have to have researchers who can help created advanced sets, costumes, and yes even help take the movies from black and white, to hand colored, to techinicolor. I'm addicted, I'm in lust, just what I needed. lol. Oh well I think I am done gushing over my new game. I hope everyone has a good day and If something should happen and I don't return or you don't Merry Christmas (that's right, no happy holidays here dammit, Merry Christmas) and a Happy New Year. You know sometimes the whole PC thing just goes too damn far. quote; This story's gonna grab people. It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn, Georgie. This is drama. Ed Wood, Jr. (Johnny Depp) - Ed Wood |
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