%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  I write, therefore I am |
|
I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
|
| I'm just a poor ol wayfaring stranger, traveling through this world below. There is no sickness, no toil, no danger, in that bright land to which I go.... And so another turning of the world has completed and we are on to another day. The cloud of illness has seeemingly passed leaving behind nothing more than fatigue and a sore throat. Perhaps I shall have a good night's sleep when I finally rest my weary head. With the passing of the ill winds I wish I could say that the feeling of singlarity is gone, yet it is not. Whenever I sit before this little monitor and type, the lonliness is thick and monsterous. When I am not here it does not bother me near as much. Of course there are times when I see a couple sneak a kiss or a moment of love where they seem to be the only ones in the world. When I bare witness to those events the lonliness is strong. Other than that not so much. While talking with one of the ladies at work about my dating situation, she asked me if I was going out to meet any young ladies. I told her truthfully, no. I am not a bar going type. I find the majority of people in the world utter idiots and I don't like being around most of them when they are sober. Besides I do not want to find some girl who likes to hit the bars and party. That is not who I am and it would only breed trouble later. You see I am old fashioned. I do not believe in careless sex just for sex's sake. I am looking for someone who wants a relationship, children, in short a family. I am looking for friendship, love, and a companion. I am not in search of just the current piece of ass. Anywho enough rambling for tonight, but before I go I want to leave you with some newfound friends to visit. I find their BLOG interesting and enjoyable.
any friend of VerySara's is a friend of ours. Drop in and say hi. She is in the hospital at the moment and a few new messages would prolly cheer her up a bit. If not for me do it for VerySara. That's right a guilt trip, now get to it.
Poor lady lives in the rain capital of the world. She's all soggy and what not.
I really enjoy reading her entries. They kind of make me think and I kind find the words to describe how they make me feel. So go read and maybe you can tell me what it is about them. Ok gang you have your marching orders. So get marching. quote; God said not to touch the apple. He didn't say have a nibble, He didn't say touch it every once in a while! He said "Don't. Touch. It." Don't think about touchin' it, don't sing about touchin' it, don't think about singing about touchin' it. Don't touch it! Jerry Lee Lewis (Waylon Payne) - Walk the Line |
| If you can wade in through the teardrops, you'll find me at the home of the blues. - Johnny Cash The human soul is not built for loneliness. We are, as base animals, in need of contact and companionship. What happens when we do not get that? Do we become the abnormal part of society? By struggling through day to day without contact and companionship, does that push contact and companionship away? It is said that a man is not as attractive as when he is with another woman. So could the opposite not be said? That a man is least attractive when he is not with another woman? So in effect, by being alone, are we making ourselves alone? In lonliness do we, at the end, settle for whomever shows us attention? Even if in our hearts we know that whomever is not our "type" or we are not attracted to them. Do we become so desperate for our base animal instinct that we go where our heart tells us is wrong? All I know is that I am an uneducated buffoon. The me of my mind is intellegent and speaks in fifty dollar words, yet the me that is real doesnot. In a discussion I can rarely get my point across without sounding like something memorized from CliffNOTES. We my point is countered I become stuck and I want to scream, "Shut up, I'm right." I can never get across what I am trying to say. The fifty dollar words can't get out the fifty cent mouth. I have become a being of revolving personalities. With friends I am happy and full of humor. On the bus I am a veneer of standoffishness. At work I am a smartass. At home before the computer I am alone and saddened. In my mind I speak so eloquently and I know what I want to say, yet when I sit down to write I cannot get these words to paper. Somewhere what I try to say is lost in translation. Sometimes I just want to Rage! Rage! Against the burning of the light! Othertimes I want to Cry! Cry! Against the yearning of my heart! Sometimes I just want to fade away. Like a memory, to be forgotten as the years pass. It seems that this entry is as disjointed as my mind and my heart. I'm tired. quote; Telephone call? That's communication with the outside world. Doctor's *discretion*. Nuh-uh. Look, hey - all of these nuts could just make phone calls, they could spread insanity, oozing through telephone cables, oozing into the ears of all these poor sane people, infecting them. Wackos everywhere, plague of madness. Jeffery Goines (Brad Pitt) - 12 Monkeys |
It is one of those days. You know what days I am talking about. I have been sick since Saturday and it has left me in a deep funk. It is times such as these where I feel so totally and utterly alone. This is not how things were supposed to be. This is not how I invisioned my life. Where is my soul. Where is my loved one. I just want someone to share my life with, my being. Alas, that is not to be it seems. For as close I come to realizing the dreams of my heart, the further I end up from my goal. I am tired. I am sick. I am alone. quote; And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep. Jay (Jason Mewes) - Dogma |
Because I am kind of silly I have entered a contest;
I have written the first piece for it if anyone would like to give me their thought before I submit it. I have until January 13th. I'm not sure what I think about it and am looking for imput. Like always this is a rough draft, basically.
Well I think I am off to sleep. Been sick for the last few days trying to shake it all the way. Normal BLOGging should return in a day or two since I have two contests to judge. Yah me. lol. quote; I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. Bilbo (Ian Holm) - LotR: Fellowship of the Ring |
| With apologies to Dave Mathews for stealing the line from his song... As has been commented on by many on this fine site, my blog tends to be typed out with blemishes well intact. I tend to write entries as if I am the only one reading them, so for the most part they come out as I truly am not as I pretend to be. I have been told that my entries are written with a brave honesty that others do not manage. I don't know how true that is, but anyway. As a few of you know the last two years has not been the most easy for me. I have suffered through a severe bout of depression, been homeless, lost a job, some more depression, a little more homeless, before things finally began to turn around. Some of you may also know that I talk of my dreams often. Sometimes they are just highly excitable turns of fantasy, but other times I feel that they are trying to tell me something. Most notably the dream with my mother's father telling me to write and never give up, and most recently my father's grandmother telling me that I have grown up well in her eyes even if I do not see it myself. If you read last nights entry it seems to jump themes near the end, going from childhood church visits to talking of dreams. I wanted to go into the dream details last night, but I was too tired. So I shall try tonight. So pull up a chair and grab some snacks. The bathroom is in the back near the corner, try to be quiet if you have to get up and move around. Thank you. Around two years ago, just after I finished my first stint amongst the homeless, I began to have these dreams. It is a warm summer day and the sound of locusts is vibrating through the air. I am walking barefoor down an old heavily packed dirt road, barefoot and wearing coveralls. Kind of like a reject from a Mark Twain novel. Off along the side of the road a ways there is a small creek with a rapshamble little dock running out into it about five feet. At the end of the dock there sits an old man fishing lazily with his feet resting in the water to his ankle. I walk over to him and ask him in a voice that I cannot hear "What are you doing?" He says, "Why I am fishing." I ask him, "Without bait?" He says. "Son, I do not need bait to catch what I am looking for. If I am patient and wait long enough the fish will come to me, but only when he is ready. Only when he is ready." He scoots over a bit and pats the dock beside him. I sit slowly and from somewhere he hands me a fishing pole. It is one of those old timey ones, nothing more than a stick with string. I do not know how long we sat there fishing, but it was well into the late afternoon. As we fished the old man spoke to me about things which I cannot remember. I know that I felt at peace listening to him. I felt warm and relaxed. No fish was caught and before long he told me that I should head on home before it got to late. I walked back down the hard packed dirt road and I could hear the old man singing as I walked away. "I wandered so aimless, life filled with sin. I wouldn't let my dear savior in. Then like a beacon came in the night, Praise the Lord I saw the light." On another night I dreamt that I walked along the same road, yet I felt nervous and frightened. As I walked to the dock to visit the old man, he was sitting there fishing with a bucket of bait at his side. I laughed nervously, "You decided to use bait today?" He looked at me with loving eyes that barely hid a look of disgust and jealousy. "Sometimes you need bait to catch certain fish, because they will not come any other way." he said. Then he smiled and looked back out into the creek. Slowly his hand reached over and he pat the dock beside him. I did not want to sit with him, yet I found myself doing just that. We fished and fished and the day seemed to last forever. He spoke of things that I do not remember, but when he was done I found myself wanting to cry and plead for help. He looked around smiling at the growing darkness. "Perhaps it's time you left." he said, "I would hate for anything to happen to you out this late." Over the last two years the dreams would come to me upon occasion and in most dreams it was always the second fisherman whom I visited. Somedays he was calm, just a little frightening. Otherdays he would scream at me in a rage over his inability to catch certain fish, no matter what bait he put before them. He would scream how they would not even nibble no matter what temptation he sat before them. He would go off into a tirade about how fish should let themselves be caught before it is too late, afterall he just want to led them into a better life. Only once more did I dream of the first fisherman. I walked up to the dock and he was sitting there humming under his breath. When I walked up to him he looked genuinely pleased to have me visit. I looked at him abit nervous and he asked me what was wrong, but he looked as if he already knew the answer. I told him about the other times I have come here in my dreams and of how differently he acted. He smiled and gently patted the dock beside him. "Come my son, sit with me." As I sat beside him he handed me a fishing pole and we began to fish. "Son, that person was not me, no matter how much he appeared to be." He looked to him a bit confused, "How am I to tell the difference if you look the same?" He reached over and gently touched the side of my face and then placed his hand over my heart. Tears rolled down my face as I heard his voice whisper, "You will know it is me in your heart. There you will always know it is me." Then the slightest vibration tickled at his line. "You have a bite." I told him. He smiled and laughed softly, "No, not yet. That fish isn't quite ready yet, but he will come in his own time. He will come when he is ready." Then he stood and pulled his line from the water. "Where are you going?" He looked down at me and his face was obscured by the sunlight. "I have others to see, but you can fish here as long as you like." I fished and listened as he walked away singing, "I come to the garden alone. While the dew is still on the roses. And the voice I hear falling on my ear, the song of God discloses. And he walks with me, and he talks with me..." Every now and then I still dream of the second fisherman, but I have only dreamt of the first fisherman on two occasions. Now I have stated before that I am not the most religious of people. I have not been a member of a church since I was a child. I am not a believer of organized religion, yet I do believe. These dreams weigh heavy on my mind. Everytime I dream of the second fisherman the dreams of the first fisherman become easier for me to remember. Once more I have opened myself in ways that those that know me do not know. I have kept these dreams to myself for two years. It seems that I write in this blog as if I am the only one to read the entries. Perhaps that leads me to be more open than I normally would be. Who am I to question. quote; There are two types of people: those that talk the talk and those that walk the walk. People who walk the walk sometimes talk the talk but most times they don't talk at all, 'cause they walkin'. Now, people who talk the talk, when it comes time for them to walk the walk, you know what they do? They talk people like me into walkin' for them. Key (Anthony Anderson) - Hustle and Flow |
| That is actually the name for my contest for January. I don't think it is a very good contest, but I liked the title. lol. The prompt for the contest is resolutions gone bad. Not to original, but like I said I liked the title. So another year has come and gone and still I sit in much the same position as I did then. I sit here just a little less alone than I did last year at this time. Maybe this year will be the year it all changes. and Maybe monkeys could fly out of my butt. MY resolution for the coming year is to write and finish at least one of my novels this year, hopefully by the summer. The only problem with that is it seems that everything I write at the moment comes out like utter garbage. I can't seem to get anything near worthy to paper. My second resolution, the one I make every year but never really try to keep is to lose weight. My mom is worried of the health risk, as is my father. But you know I don't do drugs, I don't smoke and I rarely drink alchohol, eating is my vice. Anyway again maybe this will be the year. A few people have asked me what am I doing about finding someone. I tell them not much, because I am no longer a partier and I dislike being around drunks. In actuallity I am scared and ashamed. I look in the mirror and I wonder who would want to be with me. I don't consider myself attractive at all. I just seee me big as life and twice as huge. I wonder what do I have to offer? Everone says they like a sense of humor, but I don't think so. I don't know, I'm tired, a little drunk, and rambling away. Hope you had a happy new year and everyone in your life is safe and sound. Peace. quote; But you must give him some sign, Mr. Trask, some sign that you love him... or he'll never be a man. All his life he'll feel guilty and alone unless you release him. Abra (Julie Harris) - East of Eden |
| It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.... Since 2005 is rapidly running toward it's finish line I thought I would post my list of the best and worst movies of 2005. So, um, here it goes. The Best- In no particular order, well Crash would be number 1. It was simply awesome. 1. Crash 2. Hustle and Flow 3. Chronicles of Narnia 4. A History of Violence 5. Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang 6. The Lord of War 7. March of the Penquins 8. Kungfu Hustle 9. Sin City 10. Walk the Line The Worst- again in no particular order, except Sounds of Thunder would be number 1, it bit. 1. Sounds of Thunder 2. Flightplan 3. The Ring 2 4. Stealth 5. Doom 6. Kingdom of Heaven 7. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith 8. Alexander 9. The Island 10. King's Ransom These lists are composed of movies I have seen this year. However I am sure there are movies that could be added to the lists; Brokeback Mountain, Memoirs of a Geisha and a few others I haven't seen yet. You don't agree, let me know. |
| And so another day has come and gone. Although I received plenty of gifts I feel as if I am drowning in shallow water. Well not really plenty of gifts; I recieved money, a couple of gift cards, and the printer I wanted so I can print out my writing for easier editing and to make it easier for friends to read. Still I feel as if I am lying in shallow water with the world just in reach, yet I am drowning just the same. It's funny, but during the day I am a walking joker and portrayer of good humor. When I sit in front of the computer everynight I find that, that person is gone to be replaced by this other person. I am not really depressed, I am what I can only call as blah. That is it only blah. I remember as a youngster I used to go to church with an older lady in the neighborhood, Mrs. Mapp. The was ancient and I used to go to church with her almost every sunday. Almost every sunday I felt weird, strange, out of place and I used to sneak out of the church to sit on the steps and wait for her when Sunday school began. I always wondered why I did that. Over the last year or so my dreams have been very very strange. I don't have time to go into them right now, but I will try to go into them tomorrow. We shall leave it at this, I believe that dreams hold a great importance in out life. Over the last year I have experienced a seried of dreams of which I have told no one. Not one single person, for they have confused me and I don't like to be confused. The other night they took a decidedly different turn and they have left me more confused than before. Until tomorrow. quote; I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn) - Wedding Crashers |
| So I shall be away for a few days, there shall not be an entry til monday evening at the earliest. Visiting family for Christmas. I hope you and yours have the best Christmas possible. You will all be in my thoughts. Happy HoHo. |
"In The Beginning, there was a contest"  [13+]. I entered this contest awhile ago and to be perfectly honest I had forgotten all about it. For that I bow my head in shame.So today you can imagine my surprise to find not only had a recieved a writing Merit Badge from Voxxylady   but I place third place in the contest for Best Opening Line and I won first place for Best Opening Paragraph. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I can't tell you how sewprized I were to see the emails. It made my day and my week.Here is the opening paragraph for your perusal; Laying here at night, I wonder, do I look like a killer to you? If you were to see my hulking form walking down the street, would you cross to the other side? Would my unruly nest of black hair lead you to believe that I am crazy? Would you look at my face and see innocence and misunderstanding? Would my puppy dog brown eyes make you relax? Would my soft smile give you comfort? It's something to ponder.
quote; But it ain't all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flyin' is? Well I suppose you do, since you already know what I'm about to say. Love. You can know all the math in the 'Verse, but take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she's hurtin' 'fore she keens. Makes her home. Mal Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) - Serenity |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I took a look and it seems interesting.