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Rated: ASR · Book · Religious · #554904
Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations.
Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!

This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with.

I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently.

Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.

*Bigsmile*Just Jul Lee*Bigsmile*
A photo of me.

A fairy sig
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December 23, 2002 at 12:28pm
December 23, 2002 at 12:28pm
Tears For Good Measure
Date: DECEMBER 23, 2002

I wrote this year's Christmas play for my church. I was completely excited, thrilled at the prospect of my talent being exposed after many winters of silence. Desperate to impress, I failed to do so. It was awful, even I couldn't convince myself that my play was good. I don't know why they allowed me to put it on in the first place. All the hard work seems wasted.

Every year the church is packed out with visitors and members alike, so much so that it is standing room only. Not this year. Empty, almost completely. I tried not to notice that my friends did not come, that people who had said they would come did not show, that my play was not important enough. That I am not important enough.

Maybe I am reading too much into this but I need the boost I'm not getting. You see, I've failed God again. I have committed the sin I can't seem to shake and I feel so dirty and alone. I beg forgiveness and wonder if God is thinking of me. I know that He still loves me but I have fallen again and there is no one here to help me up. Think on this, I can't confess my sin to anyone so no one can know I have fallen. I have built my own cell of solitude. I loathe it.

I am sitting here thinking of Christmas. I love the holiday for the simple fact that it represents Jesus' birth. Years ago, before I was saved, I hated Christmas. I really did. To me the holiday reminded me that my parents were divorced, reminded me that I was all alone and fearful of yesterdays, reminded me that my father loved women more than me. That has all changed for now I love it. This year has been strange, though. I am not looking forward to it. Just like Thanksgiving, I have no special desire to celebrate. I feel as though this year has been a year of strangeness and emptiness. Why do I not look forward to the holidays I love so much? I had planned to move out before the end of the year and if I had I was planning to remain home for Christmas, to not even go to my mothers. To just remain alone.

I feel so inadequate. I feel as though I have not accomplished anything. Gee, this is getting a little pitiful. Stay with me though, please, I have a little more to say.

I feel terribly unloved. I feel as though I could die, fade from this world and none would notice or care. I feel as though my death would affect no one or cause anyone tears. My funeral will be as empty as the play Saturday night. I know this is not completely true, my mother would mourn and so would my father and brother, but I can't help feeling unneeded and unimportant. I can't help feeling as though no one needs me. I guess I am falling into my well of depression once more.

I sit here at my desk at work and wonder why I am even trying. Why am I going to go to college? Why am I persuing my writing talent? Do I truly have talents or am I deluding myself? What is so terribly ironic about this whole thing is that I won a nonfiction writing contest with a local newspaper and I have been published. Yet, here I am asking if I have any talent. This day is plummeting me into a deep well of dispair and I can do nothing but fall. I can do nothing.

So, here are my tears for good measure. Here are my words of sorrow laid to rest in my journal. Here is everything I have felt today, here is what I'm feeling now. The doors are closing and I stand alone, always alone.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

December 19, 2002 at 3:24pm
December 19, 2002 at 3:24pm
Waiting For My Prince
Date: DECEMBER 19, 2002

The title says it all. I'm waiting for my prince. He doesn't have to be wealthy or anything, not even droolworthy, but he has to love me and respect me.

I might as well attempt to part the red sea rather than try to find my husband.

People often say that if you stop looking, that love will find you. I find that hard to believe because I stopped looking and I'm still single. I guess I get a little bit impatient. Can you blame me?

The last date I went on was the Homecoming Game my freshman year in high school. I'm 22 now and will be 23 in two months. No guys have even shown the slightest bit of interest in me. My friends constantly tell stories about how guys hit on them and such and I sit here wondering. Drifting somewhere between relief and depression sits Julie.

Now I know I am not ready for a relationship. I know that I am not ready to dedicate myself to another and to spend time creating the foundation required for marriage. It would just be nice to know that someone finds you attractive, you know? I am not entirely sure why I am writing this entry, I guess just to put my thoughts down.

On a more positive note...LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS opened in theaters yesterday. I, unfortunately won't see it till tonight or, dare I say it?, LATER!!! Oh the horrors! I can't wait! Giggle giggle! Orlando Bloom is a major hottie.

Okay, school girl attitude gone now until later, when I see it. Woo Hoo. Um, okay. Well, thanks for stopping by. More later.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

December 9, 2002 at 6:35pm
December 9, 2002 at 6:35pm
God Will Provide
Date: DECEMBER 9, 2002

I always doubt before I believe. I have often told people that I would have been Doubting Thomas if I had lived in Jesus' time.

I have said previously that it is very hard for me to believe people, to trust, etc. I realized that I am like the children of Israel, doubting God's power despite the previous miracles.

Today I sunk lower than I have in a long time. I have recently forgiven my mom and brother for the imagined and real slights against me that caused me great bitterness and unhappiness. Then the debts piled up around me, threatening to fall and crush me under the weight of bad choices and responsibility.

My car needed over $300.00 worth of parts to fix it. I received multiple calls from my mom today, each one worse than the last. As the amount doubled and tripled, I told my mom, "I guess we're footing it."

She said that we needed to get the car fixed and I told her that I couldn't afford to fix it. She then told me that we would divide it up between the three of us.

My balance of money owed has been growing since I opened a new account on my own. Everything I buy suddenly has a price tag I never noticed and I owe my mom $400+ on things needed.

In my selfish mind I've wondered what good it did for me to forgive my mom. I mean, I gave her my checks for two years now, maybe more, and now I suddenly owe her. The bitterness found a new home and rooted itself in my soul once again.

I asked God if I was doing the wrong thing trying to be self-reliant once more. For trying to right my wrongs and become debt free. I told God that I knew He cared but that He couldn't help me. He couldn't tell me what to do in an audible voice and my frustrations were bleeding through me in terrible bursts. I sat at my desk near tears, fighting against the familiar pull of depression and doubt.

My mom called while I was talking to my supervisor. Dialing her number with heavy fingers, I expected the worst.

I got the miracle.

She told me that my brother said the repairs were my Christmas gift. There was no need to pay him back. The minute I hung up the phone I heard God, audible of course.

"I told you not to worry. And you said I couldn't help you."

"I know God, I know." I said softly with a small smile.

So, here it is. All day I fought against writing a bitter journal entry and now, as my work day draws to a close, I write one of overcoming and trust.

Someday soon, I hope to be able to trust God completely. He is so awesome to me even though I doubt him, even though I fail. In my whole life, I can never hope to find such acceptance and forgivness, strength and protection as I have in my Lord and Savior.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

December 4, 2002 at 6:08pm
December 4, 2002 at 6:08pm
Days For Me, Days For You
Date: DECEMBER 4, 2002

Today hits heavily, like a load of bricks upon my back. It has been a good day, no depression has befallen me, but it has been a day. If you do not understand, continue reading.

It was one of those days where life seems strange, almost foreign, like you're a stranger journying through another country and you have no right to be there. You move normally, doing what you normally do, and yet you feel eyes upon your back and a voice in your ear whispering, "Stranger!"

It was one of those days where everything haunts you, past decisions are reminded, forgotten images resurface, and words seem false. Everything you speak seems to come from someone else, somewhere else. They make no sense and seem ungenuine to your own ears. You speak French to the Spanish and Spanish to the English. No one understands you.

I'm not saying that it's one of those days where you are misunderstood all day, it's one of those days where you don't make sense. Even to yourself.

It was one of those days no one should ever have to suffer through. Where doubt lingers in the back of your mind but you do not know what you are doubting. Where everything is going well and you feel intense dread rising to meet you. Every ringing of the phone brings a sigh of frustration and every word you type seems to be spelled wrong. You have not failed but you think everything is wrong.

It is just an average day with average occurances and you sit there wondering why you're sitting there.

It's a day for me, a day for you, a day for all...if we can make it through.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

December 2, 2002 at 4:54pm
December 2, 2002 at 4:54pm
Holiday Slumber
Date: NOVEMBER 28, 2002

I fail to see the importance of holidays and the whole joining together of families. If you have a close knit, wonderful TV family, I am happy for you. Do not continue reading this for you will not fully understand my moanings.

Risking sounding foolish, stupid, whiney, etc. let me say I never really bought into the holiday togetherness hype. To believe all differences could be put aside for a day or even a meal is a wish not often granted. Granted, mostly, in holiday made-for-TV movies where the guy gets the girl, the friendships are mended and family joins together around the piano to sing 'Silent Night' in perfect harmony.

In all actuality, the piano needs tuning and no one can sing at all. In truth, family skeletons drag themselves out of their closets for another annual picking over the bones of past mistakes. And hovering over the half eaten turkey is the dark black cloud of past arguments, waiting to rain down the same bitter comments that sparked the first argument all those years ago.

Tears are shed in public and in private as the family falls apart once more. All go their seperate directions, the lucky ones go to their cars and their own homes. The not so lucky stare at the mess, simmer in the silence and vow to never do this again. Then, next year, the tradition begins anew.

I write these words because I was wondering why we trade false pleasantries over fattening food and feign happiness. Unfortunately, for me, the parting of ways came early this year.

Ten minutes into eating, my mom's away from the table, crying, my brother is wrapping up his corn on the cob in foil and leaving, and I sit at the table fighting the tears and depression that plagued me all day.

So, locked away in the bathroom, getting ready to go to my friend's house to play some games, I sit and pause only a moment to write my thoughts of the day: Thanksgiving 2002.

I wasn't looking forward to this day and here I sit, alone. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.

Silent and unsaid....

I guess I should have said something,
I should have joked, cried or laughed,
I should have sat backing in the chair, smiling,
The argument shouldn't have come so fast.
I fail to see the importance in apology,
When I know I meant what I said,
Like sorry would make it better, hardly,
So I left the words silent and unsaid.

Your tears don't phase me, just ignore mine,
I can't eat very much this year, leave me alone,
Everything is wonderful, my life is just fine,
It's a different year but the same stone,
If I upset you today, it's just me,
At least you don't know the thoughts im my head,
I swallow my fears, my tears, so none see,
Leaving my thoughts silent and unsaid.

Don't think ill of me, I couldn't help it,
The words come so naturally to me,
They always did, they always seem to fit,
I can't sit here and fake it, it just isn't me.
I want to be alone but not today, not here,
I want to disappear, vanish instead,
To say I'm sorry and remove the tears,
But I leave the words silent and unsaid.

Like I love you, I need you,
I'm sorry hides in my soul,
It doesn't matter what I do,
The words remain in the bottomless hole...
I'm sorry...

I'm going now.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

November 27, 2002 at 3:13pm
November 27, 2002 at 3:13pm
Drawing From Yesterdays
Date: NOVEMBER 27, 2002

Well, Happy early Thanksgiving. I should just get that out of the way today so that if I forget at the end of this entry I won't feel bad.

I am doing alright today, dealing with guilt and doubt, dealing with yesterdays gone awry. I am not a depressed person, in fact, today I am not even remotely sad. I am tired and in pain.

My wisdom teeth are bothering me again. I am supposed to go to the dentist today to see how much it will cost to get them removed. I am starting to get a little nervous. It has to be done though.

An upside is that I am listening to Bon Jovi which always seems to lighten my moods and soothe me. At least I can count on music.

For me, music is relaxing and fun, invigorating and renewing. Reading and listening to music is the ultimate experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I love video games and movies but to honestly get me to relax, all I need are some nice jams and a good book.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am not looking forward to it at all. As wonderful as gorging till I burst normally is, I just don't want to deal with it. With any of it. I feel as though I just wish it was already here and gone, as though it was Monday.

Don't worry, I slapped myself already. NEVER wish for Monday. I don't like Mondays...Bon Jovi sang that with some guy...anyway, ahem!

So, this is an entry of rambling and thinking, thinking about tomorrows and yesterdays. I try not to dwell to heavily on my mistakes but here goes, the one paragraph in this entry that may depress.

I have a sin, a blight. We all do, actually, but this is one that has followed me for years. Yes years. I am so ashamed of it that I can't even tell anyone what it is. There is only one person, besides me and God, that knows I struggle with this. I can't shake it. If you are a Christian and are reading this, pray for me to get stronger in refusing the temptation, stronger in walking away. I get so angry and depressed whenever I stumble with this same sin...I need help and prayer.

And no, not even here will I say what it is.

Moving along, I am using this journal to kill time before I go to the dentist. One more hour. Time goes so slow when you don't take a lunch. I am dragging along on this Wednesday afternoon. Ho hum.

I want anyone who reads this to know that I am doing okay now. With the exception of the before mentioned sin, I am moving along quite well. I will hopefully be attending college in January, moving closer to my ultimate goal of becoming a doctor. I hope to have my first book published this year and I am directing the Childrens Church Christmas Play this year...although that is not going too well but let's not go there.

Well, what do you know...I remembered. Have a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

November 26, 2002 at 2:04pm
November 26, 2002 at 2:04pm
Another Day, Another...Day
Date: NOVEMBER 26, 2002

Well, here it is another day. I don't want to bore you with the details of a day at work but that is what today is...a day at work.

If failure is something to learn from you would think I would know better by now. I don't. I am trying though, trying to overcome and to improve, to move on and succeed. Let's wait and see what happens.

Life is moving forward and Thanksgiving looms on the horizon...I am not excited in the least.

A high point would be the skewars choice marathon which is coming on Thursday on FX...a feast for the eyes...Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. If my mom doesn't throw a fit and say I can't watch it downstairs that is. Otherwise I will be up in my room with my cats for Thanksgiving.

I currently have the extended version of Lord of the Rings on layaway at Wal-Mart and I hope to get it out before the Two Towers enters theaters.

Vampires: Los Muertos, starring Jon Bon Jovi, is also on layaway, as is Reign of Fire. Just a little insight on my Christmas gift to me.

I hope everyone has a safe and fattening holiday, I hope you spend it with loved ones and friends, I hope you discover reasons to be thankful, reasons for joy.

Have a safe holiday and God Bless.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

November 22, 2002 at 11:29am
November 22, 2002 at 11:29am
Healthy Pride, Unhealthy Pride
Date: NOVEMBER 22, 2002

I remember when I made my first (and only) sock monkey. I felt so happy and, dare I say it, proud of myself. I showed everyone I could (and still do). Though I am somewhat hesitant to toot my own horn, I waver on the goal line of doing my own 'boogie dance', Bandi (that's what I named her) is the brag object I possess.

If I ever become published I will brag. I would be surprised if someone who was published, especially for the first time, didn't brag. It is a big accomplishment to have your words in print, in book form and in your hands.

So I wonder if pride is healthy. We all know that some, okay most pride is unhealthy. Where does one draw the line.

As I boast my talent of making a sock monkey on my own with the assistance of a kit I feel dirty. Only a little dirty mind you, as though my pride will run off me, ooze out of my pores like thick oil, turning people away in bitter disgust.

What brought this up, you may ask. Last night my pride was not fanned...was not even touched. I am a writer, not a great writer but a writer all the same. That is my talent. Limited but mine. Acting is my other talent. Writing and acting, that's Jul Lee.

We had a meeting to plan the adult Christmas Play. They said they asked me along just because I had a video they could watch to get ideas from. I am not whining...okay I am...but I am an actress, though not professionally, and a writer, though also not professionally, I expected a little fanfare. Nothing.

When I left I heard God's distinct voice telling me that if my pride were to be flared I would become prideful...uh huh...I know that. But God knows me better than I know me. I would become the one person I don't ever want to become: The Prideful Bragger.

So healthy pride is feeling accomplishment when you do something great. Great for you or your family, not great in worldly terms. Unhealthy pride is wanting people to boast on you and tell you how wonderful you are so you can sit there and smile that self content smile while saying, "I know, I know. I truly am wonderful aren't I? Go on, go on...continue talking about me."

So, I am here with healthy pride and staring over into the bright darkness of unhealthy pride. Just another thing to discover about me...my pride or lack thereof.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

November 21, 2002 at 5:24pm
November 21, 2002 at 5:24pm
Date: NOVEMBER 21, 2002

I made it! I saw No Doubt in concert last night. I bought a T-shirt. I ate a salad and had a bowl of soup with three glasses of water after it was over. Okay, two and a half glasses. The point is that my fears were unrealized.

I must say I intensly enjoyed Garbage and No Doubt. Their performances were wonderful and I was not the least bit tired till I sat in the resturant and realized it was well past midnight and I had to be at work at eight am. But I made it. To No Doubt and to work.

I will look back on my previous entry and not regret my fears one bit. It helps me to realize my insecurities and my reasoning. I am who I am. I am me.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

November 19, 2002 at 1:12pm
November 19, 2002 at 1:12pm
Doubt Overwhelming
Date: NOVEMBER 19, 2002

I have never really been a big person on trust. I automatically disbelieve everything told to me, automatically doubt every word spoken. I don't know why but trusting people is not easy.

I think of this today because tomorrow is the No Doubt concert. My friend won tickets to go and we had said if she won she'd take me and if I won I'd take her. I sit here now and doubt the fact that she will take me. It's even worse because she has kept both tickets so I have no insurance, no reassurance, no nothing. Just doubt.

I really have no cause for this. She hasn't shown unloyalty or any sign that she will forsake our friendship and shaft me but I can't help it. I'm a natural doubter.

I guess I see the glass half empty. My logic is that if you expect the worst you get the best, or at least better than what you expected. So, I go through the worst case scenarios in my head, imagining all the ways I can be disappointed and when everything works out, even if it works out somewhat badly, I feel happy. I force nature to please me.

I can't shake the feeling today. The minute she won the tickets I thought What if she shafts me for someone else? The thought has plagued me since.

I think it's just really bad today because it's the day before the concert. Tomorrow will be worse because I am working a half a day and then heading to the next town for the concert. The doubt will eat me alive.

So, I pose this question to you and to myself. Is it just me or is my doubt justified? Is it just me or is it human nature? Is it just me or is it everyone else?

It's just me.

Doubt seems to be my one true counterpart, my one loyal member of my fan club. I doubt too much, you say, maybe, I say. Doubt, reasonably, is healthy. Or not. I am justifying my feelings.

Hopefully, my next entry will be how wonderful the No Doubt concert was but more than likely it will be Doubt Overwhelming II as I write tomorrow, waiting for noon and disappointment.

Don't get depressed now. Everything will work out fine.

Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
MystDancer50 image

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