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Rated: ASR · Book · Religious · #554904
Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations.
Jul Lee image made for me
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!

This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with.

I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently.

Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.

*Bigsmile*Just Jul Lee*Bigsmile*
A photo of me.

A fairy sig
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September 14, 2004 at 3:11pm
September 14, 2004 at 3:11pm
September 14, 2004

Okay, hmm, yea, all right...

Basically, I am a spoiled little crybaby and most, if not all, of my gripes should be read with the above statement in mind.

My life is great, always has been, though I may not have the best relationships (my fault? definately) and I'm not the wealthiest person in town (a good thing? yes, because I'm rude and mean enough as it is) but I'm saved.

You know that salvation, or let me reiterate, a personal relationship with Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, should keep my joy tanks full. I see that now.

Clear as ever.

Okay, so, I was like, hey! I should write a journal entry today.

And then I was like, no.

And then I read through the last five or so entries and I was like, Hmmm.

God loves me and you and I have joy, deep down inside, and I am no longer going to let depression win the battle.

That being said, I will leave now.

I just didn't want depression sitting in my journal as my most recent monkey. That's just me.



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July 7, 2004 at 1:24pm
July 7, 2004 at 1:24pm
monKey or Don't Read This If You're Happy
DATE: July 7, 2004

Everything today, well for the last week plus, is Hades for me. Apparently I should kiss ass. I don't do that very well. So I'm screwed, basically.

Here's the deal. I had a bad day. I apologized on said day. I came back on Monday and she acted as if I'd slept with her boyfriend or called her a b***h. Neither happened.

Loud jibes were said and I was genuinely confused. Finally, over two days later, there was a meeting.

My phone calls are too loud and my plans are ruining everybody's day. Jealous, I guess. Then, supposedly, I talked about her. Please. I'm not stupid. If I was going to talk about her, I wouldn't do it at work. I spent the whole day on the internet one day too and I won't hold people's hands and walk them through the process of finding a report. I make it so simple for them. If it's in the system, it's in. If it's not, it's not. Forgive me if I'm not all anal-ly happy to explain that twenty times a day.

I find it rather convenient that all the bad stuff happened when neither she nor the other one were here to witness it. Big f-ing surprise! And it's all my fault, too.

There is something you should know about me. THIS, right here, is how I vent. I get pissed off, I avoid the person for awhile, then they never know they pissed me off when I talk to them awhile later. So Friday my anger actually leaked out. Horrors upon horrors! I'm human! I'll never live it down! Please.

All I can figure is that when I left Friday early, they must have had a little s**t flinging powwow about me and so Monday I entered the flip side of Julie's world. The only way to make it right is to kiss ass, which I mentioned earlier, I don't do.

My mom just called and asked if I wanted to go to the opera with her one day next week and I said no. She said, not even a consideration, which meant that I didn't even think about it. I said no. She said, what if I want somebody to go with me? I said, I don't know what to tell you. She said bye, sounding hurt and depressed, and hung up. I've been hurt and depressed for a couple of weeks now but she doesn't care so why should I? I don't. I just wish I could stop crying.

So there you have it. It isn't getting any better here and I don't think it will. But that's my life in a nutshell.

And what a nut I am.

Just a little attempt at humor.


God told me that my mom doesn't deserve to be treated in the above way. I'll call her and tell her Wednesday is fine and she'll make me feel like crap instead. I don't think anal-ly is a word.


My mom was crying. Crappy feeling accomplished.

I need chocolate.


NOTE: This was handwritten at work and I tried not to change it but a few changes were made so the words would flow easier. The JAD's that are in here are where I stopped and then added more.
Jul Lee image made for me
July 6, 2004 at 7:00pm
July 6, 2004 at 7:00pm
moNkey...of course
DATE: July 6, 2004

I was reading things and I wonder who I am. You know, despite all the moanings and such in this journal, my word usage makes me sound mature and smart.

Let me say that I'm not terribly so.

It is just that writing makes life so simple and I often wonder how I would have survived without my writing ability.

Anyway, I thought I would write an entry today and try not to hit the keys too loud (don't want my coworkers complaining after all) and see if I can be witty without having anything important to say.


I guess not.

Okay, so I am still obsessed with monkeys, Jon Bon Jovi and Pirates but I must say that Orlando isn't as forward in my mind as he used to be. I'm a very fickle person.

That is somewhat why I doubt I can fall in love for life.

Hey! I think of acting and California all the time now. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll either be there or on my way. We'll see.

There may be a slight problem with my membership in August because I'm not sure I'll have the money to keep it upgraded but I'll worry about that closer to the end of the month.

I should be officially debt free in November, which is pretty cool.

By the way, my brother and his fiancee don't want me in their wedding. She isn't going to have her brother and sister in it either. I personally think that is wrong but that's just me. It's just going to be their best friends.


So, Jasmine is still with me and she is a little terror. Sylver is all right but I worry about him. He is pretty old and so is Junior. Junior even has trouble getting up in the morning. I think his joints may be stiffening horribly while he sleeps. Poor puppy.

I can't honestly say if this entry is anywhere near the level of cleverness as the others but I just had to see if I could accomplish the task without trying too hard.

Wait a minute...

I think I'm trying...

Oh well...

Happy belated Fourth of July to all Americans!!


Okay, I'm signing off now. Have a good life, people, and don't forget me.

Jul Lee

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June 24, 2004 at 2:04pm
June 24, 2004 at 2:04pm
O Monkey a.k.a mOnkey
DATE: June 24, 2004

I feel it. It is sitting beside me, whispering in my ear. The tears are waiting.

I need to run into the joy that is standing in the distance but I am easily rerouted to the depression that is always closer.

Shouldn't I be happy? I was earlier. I knew I should have written a journal entry when I was feeling joyous. Oh well.

The friend I lost in the fog of anger,
The days I spent in the wells of despair,
The darkness I welcomed with open arms,
The sin I adored with all its charms,
The person who wanders the dark night alone,
The place where the sun has never shone,
I sit here and think of how invisible I feel,
And there is no one here to help me deal.

The shadows that mask the hidden tears,
The laughter that fails to remove the fears,
The spite that fills my soul so completely and well,
The trap that I set and, by my own stupidity, fell,
The sorrow that stands waiting for me to return,
The pain that makes my stomach always turn,
It shouldn't be so common, it shouldn't be my friend,
Yet loyal it remains, at my side until the bitter end.

I am alone...
June 17, 2004 at 11:05am
June 17, 2004 at 11:05am
Dreams of Bon Jovi a.k.a. Monkey
DATE: June 17, 2004

Last night I watched my Bon Jovi concert video This Left Feels Right Live and was content to shut it off at my favorite song, ALWAYS which is like the second to last song on the DVD. I discovered that the song was written for a movie called Romeo is Bleeding which Jon explained was a B film about a stalker. In other words, the song I found totally romantic wasn't romantic at all.

I dreamt of Jon last night. That is the whole point of this entry. My Jon Bon Jovi dreams. Of course, I couldn't title it that because I want to call all my entries MONKEY so I had to be creative.

I'm going to try to recall all the dreams I've had of him (I think there is about four) and that way I can always (hee hee) come here and read them.

Last Night:

I was at some sort of celebrity boot camp where there were two teams of five members each. At the very end of the group farthest away from me was Jon, with his shoulder length hair (I wish he'd never cut it!) and all the members of the team were blindfolded. I have always (hee hee) said that I wouldn't recognize anyone famous just by looking at them in their normal lives. I recall thinking that I noticed him immediately and that made me very happy.

I would never do this in real life but I decided that I would leave him alone, not bother him with my foolish desire to have him smile at me and sign something of mine (not a body part you nasty readers!) and showed him my cute tattoo. When the blindfolds came off I melted. I avoided him. I worked there or something because I was able to talk to people and help out without anyone calling the police.

At long last, I went outside (which looked strangely like the outside of FOX'S Bar and Grill, which didn't make sense because we were already outside) and talked to Marlene who was sitting at a table set up at the entrance (I believe to sign people in). Marlene is a coworker of mine who a. had a Bon Jovi dream for me a while back and b. stayed waiting with me yesterday.

I told her that I loved Jon Bon Jovi (big surprise) and that I watched his concert video last night and that I love his voice. I told her that you could really tell how well he could sing when you heard the song Last Man Standing but that he was keeping that song for himself. I glanced over and Jon and Tico were sitting there, Jon with his eyebrows raised. I couldn't believe I had just gushed about him with him sitting there.

I decided that I should get his autograph and I proceeded to talk to him. He was rather standoffish (which isn't like him) and I had him sign (SURPRISE!!) the DVD I had watched last night. Tico sat there with a small smile on his face as I said, "Jon, do you want to see my tattoo? Don't worry, it's not a naked picture of you." I lifted my pant leg and showed him and he either said "cute" or "nice", I can't recall which. The ladybug wasn't there and I told him that I had to wet it to see it (don't look at me like that!) and he licked his thumb and rubbed it on my ankle. I thought to myself I am never washing this leg again! and wondered if I should tell him that but I decided not to. I did tell him this, though, "ALWAYS had been my favorite song but then I found out that it was about a guy who was stalking some girl." In other words, I was rambling (which I do VERY well).

I felt a little sorry for Tico (and Bon Jovi is Bon Jovi, even if Jon is the one I admire) and I had him sign too, which made him happy.

Somehow I ended up walking and talking with Jon, though I can't recall the exact conversation. It was a very good dream, except for the cold manner in which he dealt with me. Maybe he was just tired.

A While Back Times Two Or Three:

I don't like this color but I'll use it.

I had gone to a concert with a friend and it was kind of strange because Bon Jovi would do two or three songs then take a half hour break. There weren't a whole lot of people there (yeah right) and it was in a large empty warehouse with a stage set up in the front.

Everytime there was a break, my friend and I would go to the stairs. You know how firemen and policemen train in those tall buildings with nothing but stairs? It was like that.

Bon Jovi had put a hat or box or something at the front of the stage for people to put in requests for songs. I requested Wild Is The Wind and couldn't wait for him to croon out those wonderful lyrics. As my friend and I were sitting in the stairwell, after like the ninth break (no, I'm not kidding) I heard Jon get on the mike. I looked at my friend in panic.

"We're going to miss it!" I shouted.

We ran through the stairwell trying to reach the concert as I heard Jon say, "This is one of my favorites." And Wild Is The Wind began to play.

"No!" I shouted in my most dramatic fashion and we ran faster.

Now here is a little note. The reason we kept going into the stairwell, I remember, is because my friend had discovered their dressing room and we kept going there. I believe we had a run in with security at one point, maybe before my song was played, but I can't recall it. I just know that we tried to get into the room and failed (shocking, no?).

Anyway, after all the running, we make it to the concert hall and everything is over. I feel like crying. The concert (if you could call it that) was over and I was SO sad. My friend nudged me and pointed at a door to the right, slightly ajar.

"That's where he is." She said. "Come on."

We entered the room with no problem and they were all there, sitting at a table and talking. There were two chairs next to Jon vacant (like that would happen) and Jon indicated that we could join them. There were about nine people in the room counting the band. My friend and I went to the chairs and she let me sit next to him.

I was so happy and I talked like I can do. I finally asked him if he would slow dance with me. I feel I must point out that this was after I had seen a different concert and he had pulled a lucky girl on the stage and slow danced with her during the musical bridge. He got up and I immediately joined him. He took me in his arms and we danced. I ran my arm down his bicept, which I feel I must add was very buff, and...

I woke up!

I was on tour with the band and I am not sure what role I played there.

I don't remember the whole dream, just pieces. We were staying in a house and I was sleeping on the couch. At one point, Jon came in and laid down (it was a sectional) on the perpindicular (sorry it was the only word I could think of to describe it) piece of couch. He asked me if I wanted to share the blanket (our heads were near each other, not our feet) and I said no, I had my jacket.

I hope I haven't confused you terribly.

I shivered a little bit (television drama for those of you that don't know) and he covered me with half the blanket.

The whole point of the dream was that he knew me and I knew him. It was actually very interesting when I dreamt it. I shared a couch and blanket with Jon Bon Jovi for crying out loud!

I'm glad he's married...

I know there is one or two more but I can't recall them right now. This is going to be a constantly changing entry so feel free to check it later. I am hoping I can recall the other dreams but who knows.
June 15, 2004 at 3:20pm
June 15, 2004 at 3:20pm
DATE: June 15, 2004

I am thinking, though I can't promise anything, that I am going to call every single entry from here on in MONKEY.


I just think it would be great if someone opened up MONKEY and thought, "Have I read this MONKEY before?" And the only way they would know for sure is by the date.


I am going to try to do that and this entry was just to start the MONKEY journal.


Here is a cool sig designed just for me!  Woo-Hoo!
June 10, 2004 at 2:42pm
June 10, 2004 at 2:42pm
Ah So, Me La Toe!
DATE: June 10, 2004

My future is in a total whirlwind of death...and I can't seem to find my shoe.

Okay, so this doesn't make any sense but let me take a moment to regain my lost sanity and explain the point of this pointless entry. BOLD PRINT!!

I was going to write an entry called SORROWS, complete with a depressing poem but I decided that I have been depressing enough for everyone and so I am writing a Julie entry...the BEST there is.

La la loo la...

I would like to have a cat,
Be it thin or fat,
Black or white or gray,
I'd let it sleep all day.
But the crazy side of me,
Would LOVE to have a MOnKeY!!

Doobie la dee dee dooooooo...

So, how are you? Is everything pink? I hope not because I don't like pink. If you like pink though then I hope everything is pink for you. Just don't send the pink my way...

I am going to make me some stuffed monkies (I FOUND A PATTERN!! YEA!!) and put shirts on them with my sayings, like Monkey Butt and Son of a Monkey, and Stinkin' Monkey, and Monkey Mine, and Stupid Monkey, and That Hurts Like A Monkey, and Monkey's Uncle, and For The Love Of A Monkey, and just plain MOnKeY...


So, am I weird yet? I'm trying soooooo hard.....

Oh monkey....

Remember my sock monkey? She's still here...

Hey, Orlando Bloom!

Oh, sobering up for a moment. My cat Scooby died on Monday. It was very sad. I miss him and I keep calling Sylver and Jas, Scooby by accident. Tuesday I was really depressed but I prayed and I'm better now. I just thought you all should know. This has been a horrible year for our pets. First, one of my brother's water turtles died, then our female dalmatian the same week, then Mr. T, my brother's land turtle died and then Scooby died and my brother's other water turtle is missing.

Okay, enough of the sad stuff....

JON BON JOVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well then....Saturday...

My brother is getting married in July. Just F.Y.I.


Nice little monkey....good monkey....

WEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL...I notice that no one is reading my entries anymore....*sniff*....that hurts right here....


So, the weird Julie has come out to play and everyone has run away....hee hee....rhyme





That's my last name by the way....




And the monkey known as Bandi

Together they will save the world

One Tuna Fish at a time...



And, in conclusion...

Ah So, Me La Toe!! MOnKeY!! Come on lie to me!!! J.B.J.

Just Jul Lee and Bandi
Human and Monkey

Fast Friends and Slow Enemies (good when you're running from them)

Two Bits!!!
June 1, 2004 at 2:51pm
June 1, 2004 at 2:51pm
DATE: June 1,2004

Well, this is Tuesday. I'm sure you knew that. Anyway, I decided to write a journal entry, something to lighten the bitter entries that have come before. I guess I'm basically saying that I have nothing to say and this entry is going to be sporadic ramblings of my twisted, yet well kept, mind.

Okay, so, I spent the weekend with a friend and actually had a good time. I came to realize that my life is actually going relatively well at this juncture and maybe I just like to complain. I don't know. I feel that I truly have genuine gripes but a majority of them could just be let go.

I finally got my computer at home and I believe that GODS and Past Vengeance will actually be completed soon. It will be great to finally be able to publish the novel I had originally planned to publish. My friend's husband is reading it in order to give me feedback, which I really need.

I must apologize to everyone here. I haven't posted this novel on the site and I don't plan to. I trust you all completely but I just never had a desire to put it on here, unlike my vampire novels. I hope you can all forgive me.

Nothing truly funny has happened to me lately. I've just been trucking along, thinking of California and hoping that August 2005 arrives quickly, since that is when I'm roughly planning to move, at last. I got a new dalmatian puppy. Her name is Jasmine Aurora Doolittle and she was born in February, I believe.

I don't know if I mentioned that our female dalamatian died recently. I was very sad. We had to have her put to sleep because someone poisoned her. She was over ten years old and we had had her since she was a few months old. Her brother is still alive and we still have him. It was very sad.

Two of my brothers turtles died as well.

Enough of the sad news. I guess I shouldn't have really opened that door but I wasn't sure if anyone knew about what was going on. My last few entries haven't been the most informative...just depressive.

It was a relatively good holiday weekend. We saw the movie The Day After Tomorrow. It was all right. The thing is that the winds were harsh this weekend and so my friend and I kept thinking about the movie. I hate it when that happens.

I received the first two seasons of Frasier and I am very happy. I really enjoy that show. I'm still waiting for my books to arrive from the Science Fiction Book Club.

I should have my car paid off by the end of July. That will be great. I'm planning to bug-bomb the garage tonight so that I can start sleeping in there before I totally lose my mind.

It's crazy that you have to be careful what you write. I'm not going to explain even though I know this will confuse me. (bomb and kill) Maybe I'll remember from those words.

Well, I'm going to end this entry now. It's not because I've run out of things to type (I could ramble on all day) but I think that you may be losing interest in this entry and I can't allow that. Above all else, I must be interesting.


Jul Lee image made for me
May 27, 2004 at 4:56pm
May 27, 2004 at 4:56pm
All Right, Then. . .
DATE: May 27, 2004

Well, I was thinking. I thought last night, I wonder if I truly am meant to marry. I thought that maybe if I told God to go ahead and find me a husband if my life would change rapidly. I thought that maybe everything wasn't like I truly believed and that I was just lying and destroying my own happiness. And then I thought, yeah right.

If God does intend to marry me off, sorry for stating it like a curse, He has to be picky, like me. I thought last night, God, if you're going to marry me off then I'm going to have to love the guy.

God was very calm as He replied, That much is a given.

So I continued down the strange path and thought, Well, it would definately change my future plans but I guess that would be okay.

He asked, So are you saying that you want me to bring him to you?

The moment of truth had arrived. I paused and said, "No."

And so, the conversation of marriage once again ended with me refusing to give in. Big surprise.

I wondered if God truly has someone and is just waiting until I say yes, which at this rate may be never. Then I wondered if I could truly love one man for the rest of my life. Could I?

Now, as I sit at work I think again of my fear of saying "sure" to God whenever He brings up the question of marriage and love. I know, deep down, that if I say yes, my life will flip over and everything would change...for the better?


So, I decided today to write this. I knew, when the conversation began, that I was ready to say, "Okay, God, do whatever you want. I'm willing to marry and give up my freedom, I'm willing to belong to someone else." But by the end of the conversation, which was longer and more involved than what I wrote, I replied with my same old answer.


And I think that it will remain so.

I want to marry a man who reads as much as me, likes animals, likes to laugh, isn't a jerk...I thought of that today. Then I recalled my conversation with God last night and decided to write this entry.

There you have it...

Oh, and the title doesn't mean anything really, again. It just seemed like a cool way to label this entry.

Happy writing.

Jul Lee
May 25, 2004 at 11:24am
May 25, 2004 at 11:24am
DATE: May 25, 2004

First of all, the name of this entry means nothing. I looked down at my left wrist which just happens to have a bead bracelet on it and I decided, "Why not call this entry bracelet?" and so I did.

That aside, also allow me to say that I am pretty sure I am not following the format of the previous entries (which I had previously made it a point to correct each one so they'd be uniform) and I don't know if I will fix them later on. But I'm not saying I won't.

Okay, I wanted to write this entry for awhile but I held off and maybe that is better. I must say that the struggling feeling of wanting to crash my car into things is trying to resurface. I'm not happy about this fact but I am trying very hard to overcome.

I had a fight with my brother yesterday and I am not pleased by the outcome. I went to my friend's house and stayed late and I thought to myself, "My mom is going to be pissed." and then I figured, "Oh well, I always piss people off."

I have a friend, a true friend. I can't recall if I mentioned earlier about how much I wanted a friend and how I prayed to God all the time about it. See, you are all probably thinking that I am just a depressed writer with nothing better to do with her time than whine and moan. That's only half true. *Wink* I must pause here to add that all of us have a bad day...I just tend to write about my bad days more so than my good ones...maybe I should work on that.

Anyway, I am glad that a past friend has returned to my life. This friend and I have had a great deal of hardships followed by long periods of noncommunication, but we can always come back to each other like nothing happened. God smiled at me and said, "You've always had a friend...you just didn't see it." Isn't it amazing how it takes us so long to see what God is trying to show us? It's crazy how when we finally see the picture we can't believe how remarkably clear it is and how dense we were to begin with.

Or is it only me?

I was hoping that I would pour joy into my journal after such sadness but it doesn't appear too joyous an entry. Maybe when I read through my journal and I see the entries before I will be able to detect the lighter note of this entry.

But then again maybe not.

I actually feel as though my poetry is suffering lately. I am having serious trouble writing poems. I am trying to complete the sequel to my novel while finishing Past Vengeance so that I can get it published. It has to be at least 80,000 words and I think I'm at about 53,000, which is pretty good since I only had about 40,000 when I realized I needed 80,000. I just liked putting those large numbers in there. *Bigsmile*

Okay, the fight between me and my brother (and I'm only writing this because I know I'll read the above mention of it and be confused) was about stupid things. He told me what to do then asked if I heard him and I asked him if it looked like I cared. It got quiet for a moment and then God told me that I am supposed to try to be better so I said that I would do it tomorrow because I was going to clean everything else I needed to tomorrow. He said that it only takes a few minutes to get it done and I said that I was going somewhere and that I had to get ready.

He was on his computer and he played for a few more seconds before he looked over his shoulder and shouted at me to get ready if I had to. He yelled that I claimed I had to get ready and I was just standing there. I told him that he wasn't my dad or my husband and he had no right to yell at me. I added that he wasn't mom's husband either so he had no right to yell at her.

He told me that I leave all my s**t lying around because of my pets and I told him that he leaves all his s**t lying around and he doesn't have pets. I told him that he only pays mom $150 a month because it's all he can afford (let me explain that he buys expensive electronics all the time and takes off to Denver and Texas at a moments notice so he could definately pay more) and that I get paid less than him and I'm paying my car twice a month to try to pay it off and paying $150 a month to mom for my car insurance.

He told me that mom paid my car for 'how many months' and I said that my car was paid off. He said that it wasn't paid off it was in the mortgage and I said it's not my fault that he had to drive drunk and flip his Neon so mom had to take out a loan on my car just to get it out of the tow yard. Then I said that I was giving my mom my whole checks back then and that he had no right to say anything to me. He told me that I charged $5,000 dollars worth of debt and that I couldn't say that I was debtless. Then he brought up the fact that I filed bankruptcy.

I told him, yeah, I filed but it has nothing to do with him so he should just drop it. All this was happening while he was picking up the papers in the living room which is what he had asked me to do. He stormed past me into the dining room and said, see, it only took two seconds to pick that up. I thought to myself, then why didn't you do it earlier?

Then he told me, you screwed up my computer and I said that I didn't. He told me that I did something to it to change the settings and I said all I did was turn it on, put in the Sims, played, quit and shutdown. I didn't do anything else. Then he said that I did and he told me that I wasn't allowed to touch his computer since I took his old computer from him*. I told him that he gave it to me and he said that mom gave it to me, not him. I said that everything was materialistic to him and all he cared about was his possessions and his family meant nothing to him.

He told me that one day I would come home and my cats would be gone. I growled and said, Joe, you're a, and he said what and I said you're a d**k and that's when Erica walked in. He talked all nice and sweet and then he said to her that my sister thinks I'm a d**k and Erica looked at me.

He went upstairs to get ready and Erica told me she could hear us yelling outside since the door was open. I told her that I just get pissed off when he threatens my animals. She said she understood.

I was getting ready and I started to cry. I managed to contain myself as I went upstairs to get my book but as I saw my cat SylverBells I felt a white rage rise up inside me and I told my cat that I would kill Joey before I let him take them from me. I squeezed the book very hard and God told me to calm down so I did.

When I went back downstairs he asked me if I'd be ready to move out in January and I told him I wished I could move out tomorrow and he said that if I haven't moved out by the time he buys the house he's going to put all my stuff out front. I thought, go right ahead Albert, since he was reminding me of the other angry man that had been in my life.

Mom came home after Joey and Erica left and I told her what happened and she managed to make me feel like it was my fault. You should have kept your mouth shut, she said, you should have just let him say what he wanted. I can't do that anymore.

*My brother had purchased a computer over the internet and it didn't have an operating system. It was never used and when we tried to load one it wouldn't take. My brother then ordered a Dell and all was well. I asked my brother a few months ago if he would help me get a Dell since my credit sucks and he told me no because he had to be sure he could pay for it if I lost my job and I said that I wouldn't lose my job and if I did I would pull my retirement and pay off all my bills. He said that he didn't want to take that chance and I said nevermind I'll get it on my own. Mom finally mentioned Joey's old computer and I asked her if she thought Joey would let me have it. She said she'd ask him and she did. He said that he didn't care, I could do whatever I wanted with it. Jennie's husband and brother-in-law were working on it and it had very little memory and a virus detection program that made it think it had a virus when it didn't. They are building me a new hardrive and I told Joey this and he just shrugged but now, suddenly, I am stealing from him. I just wanted to explain the computer situation from above without breaking stride.

I love my brother, I truly do. I just feel so awful living where I am now. I don't want to go home or stay home or anything. I just want to be happy and that seems like a really difficult thing to do.

I wanted to end this on a positive note but I don't know if I can.

Oh, wait...yes I can.

Jennie and I were playing Super Mario Brothers on the Super Nintendo. We were playing the lost levels and there was this castle that we couldn't seem to beat. It was Jennie's turn and I took a big gulp of orange soda. She walked Mario off the ledge into the lava. I was about to burst soda everywhere and I had to run outside and spit it out on the ground. Her mother-in-law thought that I had gotten mad so she asked Jennie what happened and Jennie told her. Jennie and her brother and I laughed so hard when I came back in. It was so funny!

There! I don't know if that was cheery or just confusing but I hope it helped perk up this entry. Have a great day!


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