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 |  of a tennis player, hiker, writer |
 A bird in the bath. well, just before.  On court 1. Lookin' to own.  In Jax, enjoyin' some solid juniors tennis.  I love my new phone cam.  * Clears throat * “Um, Robin here, your friendly neighborhood MC(Mistress of Ceremonies). Welcome to my blog. In it you’ll find my rants, ramblings and random updates on everything ME... …and since I’m the typo queen and master of misspelling, these will be present in most, if not all my posts.”  A few of my better entries - all quick reads: |
| I know when I say, I'm gonna write more, i often don't. but i hope i do. we had a great time. mostly walked the beach both sat and sun - a total of 15 miles. good food, lots of drink and sun. the tennisconnect website guy sent me an email. he wants me to review a relase document for him! big deal for me and my writing. more on that later. yay for me. |
| we are going to head out soon. YAY. i really thought he didn't want to go. |
| All hell broke lose last night. My patience lost. Or went on strike. Life is difficult without it. How do people who have none - and i know some - get along. I hate it. I'd rather have my muse lost or sleeping in than no patience. I spent the better part of today in pain, making the no patience status worse. Bonnie stopped by and we did lunch. I needed the break. The adult conversation of with a friend. The opportunity to forget my troubles. Bryan and I are going to HH tomorrow and spend the night. Try to get back on track. Laney and I are back on track - thank goodness too. she really seeems more mature. I think working this summer did the trick. |
| Oh my gosh I am so swamped - with website updates mostly, but other stuff too. Things at home really suck right now.  . Laney and autumn had a great time at the Blindside concert last night. So, Reggie just called me on the phone and asks me how I’m doing. Like I’m gonna say..."Horrible Reggie. Things stink for me now. How bout you dude? How's it going with you?" Remember, Reggie is the number two guy in our department. So, instead, I say, after a brief hesitation, "Fiiinnne. Reggie. And you?" "Good." And then he repeats it. Not sure if this is a southern thing or what but I do it too...'good good good.' he says. And then he adds, "I can't complain." "That's great Reggie." I say, "Can't complain is really a good thing." I should know, cuz I have lots to complain about and I'm envious of his complain-free status. "Especially if you mean it." Not implying he doesn't, just underscoring the greatness of such a desired state. He pauses for a second. "Yeah." He says like he is really contemplating my words. "It is." Well, I hurry up and get off the phone with him. It's hard to maintain peppiness when you feel down. |
| Like I don’t have enough projects as it is…I just discovered something new. My muse will NEVER get lost again. (at least that’s the plan.) And how could it? With thousands of things to write about. In my head, I’m pretending its just a contest. A daily contest. All I have to do is write a 300 word essay or article on anything I want. I can write longer pieces, but I narrowed it down to 300 so the task won’t seem so daunting. I know me, and I’ll probably trip over the topic. Already, I have like three things I can whip out. Maybe I should write all three in one day. Instead, the goal can be seven in a week. Not, one a day. Yeah. I like that idea better. After awhile, I want to raise the word count to 500. Let’s give me a month at 300. So, on September 10th, if I haven’t done so already, I begin writing 500 word articles and essays. Reggie stopped by the center right when I was about to go hit on the wall. He was looking for a gold chain his friend lost Monday evening while playing tennis here. The chain was a gift from the guy’s father. I haven’t seen it. Reggie chatted for a bit, asking about the pictures on my wall. I showed off my Brian Vahaley one – since Reggie’s a 4.0 tennis player. I knew he’d know who BV was. It’s pretty cool having a number two admin guy that plays tennis. Hopefully, always looking out for us. ya know. I mentioned to him he should get his team to practice here, at my facility. He said he’d talk to the captain. When he left, I hit on the wall and felt pretty good. I’m trying to find my comfort zone to hit the ball. I’m still reaching for it a bit more than I should. Tonight’s my lesson – if it doesn’t rain. 45 minutes this time. Leagues start in about four weeks. |
| So, every time I get the urge to say something negative about myself I’m gonna try and type at least one positive thing. Or, as another option, I can write at least one sentence in something I’m working on. Like those two books and one sci fi story. And, just to really open up my alternatives, I can jot down a blog entry. The goal is to keep typing until the negative feeling subsides, thus finding a constructive approach to combating my destructive thoughts. I really do wonder, how much of this is residual from my one year of severe depression, and which followed my four years of a dysfunctional marriage. Which I am not really allowed to talk about with the one person I should and need to since he prefers to block the whole thing out of his memory. But then, who am I to judge a person’s choice of healing. It’s just my choice is different. So, at what point do I stop sacrificing my own feelings and begin selfishly demanding what I want? How rude is self-preservation? How can I truly be any good to anybody if I don’t have my own self straight? But then, aren’t there other options for me? So, now, you can plainly see the premise behind my new approach I HAVE to get over this. It’s not enough to acknowledge the four years fucked me up. I can’t keep expecting others to fill the void, pick up my slack, or even understand what I’m going through, the extend of the pain, self-doubt, immobility I’ve found myself in. My continual groping to just survive. I want more out of my life and I’m lucky enough to be able to have options well within my reach. So, okay, maybe the negative feelings have not completely gone away, but I feel a tad bit better than when I first hit the keyboard. |
i plan on writing more in here today, but just got back from the wall. while i had a decent session - remember, teh wall ALWAYS wins- i was reminded just how far i have to go. so much to keep in mind; footwork, preperation, follow-through...sheesh...it seems so unreachable. but, my drive is still with me! Plus, i'm still having so much fun.  |
I wrote this earlier today and feel better cuz I actually posted an item "A Bit About Sweetie"  I want to write in a quiet uninterrupted place. I thought this would be good. I remember pounding at the keyboard writing for the genre contest. I was so prod of my efforts. I could sit down and spit out a thousand words into a loose story with a bit of a plot in about an hour. I need something motivating me. My head swimming and spinning with plots, ideas, characters, phrases, words. Getting it down takes discipline and no interruption from spouse, children, work, or pleasure. Gripping to the vision of a finished product and the pleasure I’ll obtain in the process. I’m tripping again. I know you guys are sick of reading about my insecurities, bouts of low self-esteem, and general unhappiness. Why can’t she write about the funny times? The happy times? I hear you smirking. Where am I to get it all out? If not in this blog? I am happy. I do have four projects I’m currently involved in writing. I’m just not spending quite enough time in the execution It’s like tennis. You’ve got to get out there and hit lots of balls in order to improve. I just need to keep stroking the keyboard. Well, okay, I know there is a great deal more than just junk writing. I should enter more contests. I’m getting interrupted as I type. I’ve lost my train of thought which wasn’t too strong to begin with. Ugh. Grrrrrrrr. Lost again. Left stranded. Too tired to grope. I almost don’t care. Energy. Inspiration. Productivity. Response. Action. All just out of my finger’s grasp. “Heeeellllppp!” I scream. My conscious, my muse, even my thoughts are ignoring me. I’m used to it. Settling in, I dig my fingernails into the dirt where I now lay. I inhale deeply, rain is nearby. With it, will come the wind. I am all to familiar with this pattern. |
| Aw. Laney lost both of her matches today. . She wasn't playing on her game in the first, and the second match, she won the first set 6-0 but lost the second two sets. I tried telling her that her opponent was ranked 40 points higher than her, but it didn't matter. I'm off from work in 30 minutes or so. Just watched a music doc...ordered the DVD and the CD soundtrack. Excellent watch! http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/last_of_the_mississippi_jukes/ |
| I woke this morning with blog words running through my blog-zoned mind but now, here I sit, keyboard in lap – my blog opened and ready for my typing and can I remember the first bloggin word? F bloggin’ NO. I so hate that. Especially, since my entries have been sorta lame – boring even. Mundane, seemingly uneventful due to a lack of creativity on my part when relaying the everyday occurrences. WTF? Laney’s braces came off this past Monday. August 1. A monumental day in her life. I don’t quite remember Autumn being so elated when hers came off. Laney called me at work, even before the Avolance was out of the dentist’s parking lot – telling me some lame joke. I laughed, even though it wasn’t funny. Far be it for me to rain on her parade. She was just too happy. Later, I heard through others, how she flashed everyone her new smile. A smile that cost her parents $4,500 dollars! Much more than Autumn’s did. The things we parents do. |
| I can't belive it's Thrursday already! We had a huge meeting at the other tennis center today - mostly to figure out who was going to direct which tournaments and where they would be located. I'm doing three of them. One adult - by age, and two juniors - one will be a level four state tournament. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm leaving in a few and going out to eat while laney is at drills. |
| My hitting session with Trace when okay. I really gotta work on returning those deep shots. We still have not played a real match. Just serve and play out the point. I’m still working on my um ‘good’ serve, which looks amazingly like my ‘suck’ serve. But a friend of mine said not to call it a suck serve. I did hit a few like my coach said to. I always let the ball drop just a little lower than I should. Now that the tournament is over, the powerade guy came to fix the machine. Just in time. Wait, it gets worse. He couldn’t find anything wrong with the machine! It took his money just fine. WTF? Why didn’t it work during the tournament? When I had like close to three thousand people walking in and out of my facility? What rotten luck. I’m taking Friday off. YAY me. Hope to get in the pool and write. I’ve almost forgotten how with this three day weekend break from it. Gotta get on my sci-fi writing. |
| So I feel like a complete idiot. Trying to order Laney’s school uniform online and I keep getting error messages. It’s not like they make it easy either. Especially if you want to order the same item in a different color. Sheesh! So, I just left a message w/ Blake to see if he wanted to hit at lunch. Blake and Brian are hitting w/ me on Monday evenings. Tracia on Tuesdays, my private lesson on Wednesdays and I need to hook something up for one day a week. Danny says he might play mixed with me. Did I type this already? Brian has a fast serve. Like I can’t even return it. Yesterday, when we were hitting, (2 against 1 – Blake and I were partners) Brian kept the ball away from me at the net and made Blake run all over the world and back. Brian said he was dying of heat stroke. But I know better. I’m about to either go walking, or hit on the wall, not sure which… |
| So now i really am too wiped to write. but laney played four pro8's today. won three of them. 3 singles and one mixed w/ paul. i hope to write about it later. YAY laney and the team. we won first place and advance to jacksonville! A quick overview of saturday's events updated on aug 2 Saturday; work at Tattnall for the morning shift. God I hate seven AM clock ins. I’m not at my best. With my brain still at home in bed and all. But here I was, drinking extra coffee and madly cleaning the facility before I let the masses in. I kept in touch with Adam through cell phones. We won and Laney played well I heard. I was excited about getting back over there to JDS to see the 2:00. Felicia called at 12:30 to say she would be a little late. Well, it was 60 minutes late. I squirreled a ride from George over to JDS. Of course, once I step out of the car, the bottom falls out. Another rain delay. Meet back at 3:00 and then, same thing, over again. Finally a little after five, they say meet back at 9:00. Yep, that’s PM. If the courts are dry, matches will be played. We meet at Applebees for dinner. I called Autumn to join us – always up for a free meal, she said yes. Poor Adam locked his keys in the car. He called Tripple A to come help him out. In the meantime, he chatted it up w/ the hostess. It was cute to watch. Still raining at 9:00, we were told to report back at 8:00AM the following morning, which meant three team matches if we made that last playoff match. Our goal. A must if we wanted Jacksonville. Since we had already had an 8:00AM scheduled, we would be fine, having already made arrangements to be at JDS so early. The worst part, I had to open up Tattnall Sunday morning so they could make up their matches. 18u 3.0 was playing for sectionals or GA/FA challenger. I knew both teams and it promised to be some really great tennis. Anyway, I guess it was s10:00PM or late when I finally got home. Sheesh…I was wiped. |
| I am wiped. too wiped to even check my spelling. so, please forgive me if i'm off tonight. laney won both her matches. 8 game pro sets. the was down in her second like 6 - 1 and came back to win 8 - 6. i missed the first cuz i was at work. everyone said she was ON. back to work at 7AM in the morning. its nuts. i'll have to write about it though. lots of fun, lots of work, so i'm tired. Wrote this Tues Aug 2 but am putting it in here since it happened on this day. Let’s see. Friday, I missed the first team match while working at Tattnall. This tournament – USA Team Tennis State Championships is always crowded. Lots of teams and lots of spectators. Sharon and Danny were here since Nate was playing on Mike’s team. It was SF to see them. Nate and Laney go to the same school. We were joking and stuff. Nate’s team had two team matches scheduled here and I saw them most of the day. Carl wanted me to sell sno cones which would have been fine but the PowerAde machine wouldn’t take anyone’s money so I had to stop what I was doing every few minutes to open use my key to open up the door and get them their drinks. Plus, Carl’s summer camp people borrowed my personal cooler without permission. I had to put the ice in some huge tuber ware type container – which had a crack. Ice melted, water dripped, and I was wearing flip flops, groping to keep my balance. Not a pretty sight. One guys said I looked like a tennis player but I was moving like a grandma. Hahah. All the second round matches for Friday were delayed because of rain. Danny and Sharon were kind enough to give me a ride to Mercer. I didn’t feel like walking in the rain, thunder and lightening. I know they say you should try everything once, but somehow, getting struck by lightening isn’t something I want on my To Do Before I Die List. I guess it was after five when the teams hit the courts. Laney wasn’t on her game, she was down like 5-2 or 6-1 I can’t remember. But she came back to win 8 - 6. Even still, her game was off. I got home around 9:30. Tired, and having to stay up late doing laundry for her tennis outfit she wanted to wear for the next day. Will she ever appreciate my efforts?  |
| A quick breather. I’ve been very diligent about my walking despite the heat. (double YAY for me.) I have a few minutes before its back to the craziness. Tying up all those last minute details. And the worst part- the lawn service people have not mowed the two feet grass inside my gates surrounding the courts. (so I’m exaggerating, but, my point; it looks awful). Loading up on drinks, snacks and making sure we have all our cleaning supplies order. You know, boring stuff but my adrenaline is pumping. My lesson last night was great. Tracia and I were at the net. I took the backhand volley drills and she had the forehand side. I was dead on. However, we ended w/ just forehand volley drills and since I spent my time on the BH, I was way off. I sucked really. Barely returning anything. All we had to do was hit 10 in a row too! Then, just before it was time to leave, determined to end on a good note, I did it; punched 10 over with pretty good form too. YAY! Then, off to JDS. Laney’s team was awesome. They should do well. Everyone looked good. Plus, I saw lots of people – Blair, Randy, Bill, Susan. Carol was there, but I missed her. Got invited out but declined. Randy said call him anytime and he will hit with Laney. Today, I got an email from Nate’s Dad, he and his wife are gonna be here tomorrow morning. At least I will see people I know and love. Maybe working this weekend won’t be bad after all. |
| So, I’m standing in front of the chalkboard writing: I, Robin am lucky. You, robin are lucky, She, Robin is lucky. It’s not that my SFA is really draggin its ass deep in the dredges of gloominess either. SFA is right here, sitting next to me. She is just sorta refusing to work up to par. Citing the 108-degree heat index as her downfall. “I let you walk at lunch two day in a row in this godforsaken heat. “ she thoughtfully reminds me. No one can perform up to par 24/7. Not even her. “But I NEEEEED you.” I whine. “I’m unable to make a move without you.” She blushes, smiling, her eyes closing as her head looks downward. Even SFA’s need compliments. Back at the chalkboard I try and list the things going well for me:  Several awesome writing projects! (Not just one or two, but three or four) Still keeping up with my walking AND tennis lessonsGoing on a four-day weekend for labor day! YAY. Keep your fingers crossed for me on this one.Got my new notebook! Hey, could this be the source of all my creativity???Okay, see? So, why am I moving so slowly? Does it really matter? Why not meander along for a few. Get distracted for a bit? Gather some creative images… I put down my pink colored chalk, turn my back to the board. Make one or two more mental affirmations. Grab SFA by the writs. Jump into this pool of sledge. Up to my knees. (My new tennis shoes are dirty – someone’s gonna pay for this - ) |
| Its way too hot and I’m gonna bag hitting on the wall and go walking around the park. okay, so i saw my coach and he said 'Go hit on the wall." I'm back already. drenched in sweat. but i had a good practice. (changed my mind twice). |
| Well, I’m stuck here working tonight. Which so totally sucks because I have to work so long on Friday. Ugh. But I’ll have lots of time to take off later. (see, me trying to look at the bright side.) Hopefully Avi will come in soon. Especially since I did not bring dinner and don’t have any food here. Okay, a half of a cucumber from the garden, and a couple of slices of whole grain bread. I could always order a whole pizza to be delivered! YAY! Avi just called and he will be here soon. Not so sure what soon means to him. He lives by a different set of time standards than the rest of us. he is always late. In this case, better late than never is better than no supper. |
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