I like this a lot and can visualize it -- whci h says a lot about your writing since we don't have oceans in oklahoma. The theme to me seems to be a metaphor of the battle of the sea comparable to the obstacles we face in life. And the beach goers are how some people just sit back and hope for us to fail to entertain them and make them feel better. The fellow surfers represent those we learn from, and remind us that we are not alone in facing our challenges. - Excellent job.
Ok and now for the ripping: As far as the adverb thing you mentioned - - i didn't see it, but i like adverbs
He tucked his board under his arm, got on his bike to peddle the couple of miles to the water. - I would change this to Tucking his board under his arm, he got on his bike to . . . . -- as it is written i expected another action -- i don't know just me.
Hey, did you mean me to read this sober? j/k - i haven't been drinking.
His mother would lay a brick if she knew and his friends would hear soon enough - comma after knew -- it's a run-on
He was heading to where he surfed all the time. He was a local there. = might delete the second sentence or incorporate it in the other one somehow, because it seems a little repetitive - I mean if he surfs there all the time it stands to reason he is a local
south west ground swell. - southwest
or south-west ground swell between - southwest
At twenty-five feet the waves - delete extra space
but it was the closer to a “gun” than any of his - delete closer
I would put the second paragraph after the one about the board. I think learning more about the character like we do in the 3rd and 4th paragraphs will work better as a hook and then you can set the scene for the swells.
The sets had been three to five feet and it was a slower break, the waves peeled off at a slower speed than the three reefs he - semicolon instead of comma
The people on the beach weren’t there to get wet, they wanted the secondary adrenalin rush of watching some one else drop down the face and race to the shoulder before being consumed - period after wet. The sentence is a run-on plus it gets rather long if you just use a semicolon - breaking it up to shorter sentences will help with the flow i think
Ignoring the crowd of onlookers, pariah. - okay, technically this is a fragment, but a lot of times writers have fragments for effect and style and this one works becuase "he" is understood as the subject -- but i wanted to point it out incase someone else did and you thought i had missed it lol
where a ridable wave could be caught. - okay somewhere earlier you have ridable spelled rideable -- i'm not sure which one is right
And one outside, out of his element and obviously terrified. - fragment thing again
He slid back on his board laid down and paddled into the line-up.- comma after board
A set came through at twenty plus, one surfer took off while - comma should be semicolon
A twenty-five foot plus set came through, close to twenty eight feet = twenty-eight
Paddled for the take-off and felt the tail lift, and start to slide down the face of the wave - something is off on this sentence - i'm not sure if it's the tense or the phrasing
He was committed, it was his wave. - comma needs to be semicolon
the face at am angle. - am/an
He looked up at the lip, he was positioned well, he could get to the shoulder and set a line for a slide out past the shoulder as it mushed out. - I would break this up. He looked at the lip. He was positioned well. He could . . .
Another surfer paddled by him, - comma should be semicolon
Paddling back into the line-up he was relaxed, alive, aware, cognizant of life, aware of his fragility - aware twice in the same sentence kind of bugs me -- but i'm just being picky because you are making me
He paddled a short ways towards the reef in hopes of getting the third or fourth wave. - towards/toward
His was too far into the peak and he was too straight on the take-off, and the take-off was too late. - I would break this sentence up -- It is reaching the climax and often times shorter sentenes build the suspense better
He turned to look at the beach, it was a long swim, his board was nowhere in sight. - this is a run-on - it is 3 complete sentences
picked a landmark to the north and began to swim slowly and steadily towards it. - towards/toward
Going to his board he looked up at the kooks and ”dudes - comma after board (introductory phrase)
was snaked, out maneuvered, and the other surfer took the -- i would hyphenate out-maneuvered
As Venus became visible and the crowd thinned he made his way up the stairs to his bike, and started for home. = comma after thinned - delete comma after bike
okay the towards thing : i was told (and never checked honestly) that towards is not correct that it should always be toward -- so it's your call -- i'll try to find the answer and email you
So, where are you publishing it?
Nice job!!
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