I love tales such as this -- it reminds me of my father's writings -- if you're interested they are in my port under "dad's writings" or his user name is jethridge.
Anyway back to you. I loved the suspense. And you did well with giving a clear background and description.
In the evenings after chores at the Michelson farm, I used to pick up my BB-gun and march down the hill towards the wilderness to wander the marsh and the forest, imagining that I was a pioneer, warrior or whatever struck me at the moment. - This reminds me so much of my 14 year old son -- whenever we visit my parents' farm he is always off for imaginary adventures.
not to make it’s location known to me ly to hide it’s footsteps with mine - on these 2 -- its doesn't have an apostrophe -- "its" only has an apostrophe when it is a contraction for it is or it has.
The only other piece of advice I can offer to this wonderful story is you might look at adding some shorter sentences in with the longer ones. Varying sentence length helps the reader create a rhythm. Or so I'm told.
Wow, I just did this form in my class this week -- it was probably one of the more revealing, humorous, and interesting writings I've had them do.
I love your honesty in this -- You can feel your passion. In so few words, I feel as if I know you -- in fact I'm inspired - i think i will write my own this afternoon.
I'm totally with you on the random acts of kindness -
This is beautiful - the first line pulled me right in. It flows so well that it almost seems simple, but it is deep. "Whispers in the lilacs" that's genius - original and great imagery
A beautiful piece that i'm sure i'll treat myself to with a good cup of coffee morning after morning.
I love writings of pure dialogue and you do it well.
Okay, I had to research this one because i ALWAYS get it wrong - but I'm pretty sure after looking it up it should be "bear with me" as bare means to undress.
You’re tripping out dude, just relax. -- I know it looks wrong but anytime you have a "name" there is a comma before it - "You're tripping out, dude; just relax."
imbecile - this is how I spell it but it could be the difference between british and american english - not sure.
A beautifully written poem that I think everyone can relate too. It brings very raw emotions that we try to ignore to the surface. Your words evoke emotion and thought which is what good writing is to me.
Nice job; I'm glad i took at peek at it this morning. We should all write with such honesty.
I am no expert by any means, but being a teacher and mother I think I can safely say that children will love this. I know I did.
I love the innocence in it and at the same time the reality -- you've made the butterflies' dialogue very believable - children would say these things, therefore they could easily relate to it.
I didn't think about this until the end, but some people may take it as a "racial" thing - white butterflies/black butterflies - and that isn't the intent I think you have. That would be almost too obvious. I think this could be easily fixed by adding in a line such as "Some of his butterfly classmates had small dots or stripes of black on their wings, but none was completely without color like Bruce.
Punctuation of the dialogue needs a little attention - but dialogue isn't easy and you've captured the tone.
Here are some examples: “B-O-O-O-O -O-O-RING Bruce” said Elizabeth. - comma after Bruce before the quotation
“Bruce isn’t ridiculously good looking like I am! I’m not playing with Him” said Christian. - comma after him before the quotation mark
“I have never seen a pure black butterfly before”, said the little voice from behind him - comma goes inside the quotation mark and need a period after him.
"I think you are beautiful". - period inside
Now Bruce was smiling.javascript:updateLine('BigSmile', '1'); - the smiley didn't work
When He got to their home he saw so many Little White Butterflies -- I'm not sure why you are capitalizing He and Him sometimes. At first I thought it was for effect, but for me it is a little distraction but then again I'm a grammarholic.
but Bruce though hard about his friends and family back home, and started to miss them - though should be thought.
Overall, a delightful read that I think holds a lesson that all ages would enjoy and learn from.
I don't know for sure that you meant it to be funny, but I found it very comical - witty - inventive.
“Okay.” I murmured, looking around and waiting for God to cool off. - for some reason the image of God cooling off caught me as humorous.
What I really like about it is that it doesn't cross the line of being anti-Religion. In fact, it kinda shows what God has written biblical - however of course yours is much more informal.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! she prayed - even though it may be a silent prayer it still needs quotations - "Thank you! Thank you!" she prayed.
When the spark disappeared below the horizon an old man died - comma after horizon (in my opinion - because it is an introductory dependent clause)
What did he say? I don’t think you’re ready to know yet. . - I liked this line a lot -- it pulled me in and made me feel cheated for not knowing what he said -- very good
instead it’s only curiosity that lords over their feelings - nice phrasing and vocabulary
e. All that he knows has no memory and he can’t remember a time before the waiting. So Knowledge sits, waiting for the survivors. - this reminds me of one of my favorite books "The Giver" -- if you haven't ever read it, you should treat yourself to it.
What a great retelling of a life changing event, proving once again that God does work in mysterious ways.
Your tone throughout the story has a peaceful quality even when talking about heart wrenching events; it pulls the reader along providing a sense of comfort and promise
It had never occurred to me that Norma didn't then, or in any of our subsequent phone conversations, ever given me her last name. - given/give
I then told her the trials that my family and I had endured during the past year, and spoke quite plainly about the fact that my medical condition had improved, but was not anywhere near where I thought it should be, and that this was depressing me - You might consider deleting one of the "that"s - they aren't really necessary
Thanks for sharing this story - it was a wonderful Sunday treat.
it seems so simple, but i know it's not. I think that's what draws me to your poetry - it expresses what I didn't even realize I was thinking. Does that make sense?
I hate spiders (who doesn't), but yet your words made the picture produce a relaxing feel in me rather than the need to squash and destroy.
I love it. You've captured them beautifully. So many people, even sadly some Junior High teachers, just don't get what is going on in those kids' lives.
It's refreshing and inspiring to see others do and and can add some humor to the situation.
It brought a smile to face, and reminded me that school starting in 3 weeks isn't a bad thing.
I love the emotion in this piece. The repetition of "walk with me" works well, and demonstrates the different places that we long for someone in our life.
The only thing (and it's just my opinion) that you might consider is changing the final line to simply "Please, before I wake". I think it's stronger sounding to end with a verb in this case. just a suggestion.
The poem gave me a peaceful, dreamy feeling; it stirred something inside me.
This is a great tale. I read, wanting more every sentence. I love how you intertwine just enough description in your writing.
The only thing I saw and honestly I just learned this at a workshop is try not to start sentences with "There" - usually they become much stronger if you rearrange them; more engaging, apparently.
I could see myself in that farmhouse, exploring the world.
I know I've read this but some how I found I hadn't reviewed it. Which is super odd because i hardly ever read and not review.
Okay, I correct myself - I had only read part one. I'm glad I rechecked, even as tears roll down my cheeks.
Anyway, I loved this.
With the organ playing “Just a Closer Walk with Thee”, people filed past the polished, metal casket to pay final respects - this paragraph and a couple of others aren't indented. This happens to me sometimes when I post them on here - format or something.
I sighed and returned the unopened letter to the box, closed the lid, and slipped the rubber band in place. No one ever found out - On this part I found myself wanting more insight as to the internal conflict - why didn't you open it? respect for your mother? fear of what you would find? I found myself curious because I think at that age i would have opened it because i would have thought I "needed" to know. - maybe it's a girl thing.
Really strong piece. I felt almost like i was intruding reading it. It was that personal.
gorgeous array of colors. I don't know much about sigs because I've never even attempted to make them, but I do know what i like and I love this. It had me taking a second and third look. I think many will find various meanings in it. I find it inspiring. I can easily see a poem or short story coming from this picture.
I think a stronger vocabulary might bring out even a more sense of the depth of that emotion. The rhymes are good, but a little predictable. In some ways I wish they weren't and in other ways it adds a sort of innocence to the poem.
Nice intro line it really had me wanting to read more.
i really love your style of writing. Your words weave a description that flows evenly - for example: Silent sobs that pulsed in time with my steps. It seems so simple but is quite creative and unique.
This is definitely a different take on this kind of tale. I love the "twist".
It is an emotional gripping piece. That's hard to do with so few words.
I loved this -- In fact, I've loved all the autobiographical stories of yours I've read. Your words just carry me through a journey. I actually found myself cringing and tightening my muscles when Mom worked her "magic".
The combination of your voice, style, and word choice weave an incredible tale.
I really did look for errors but couldn't find any.
I have to say I absolutely love this! It is perfect for someone like me who is not a big gourmet chef. I could do most of these and fool people into believing I can cook. Plus, with these recipes i might just have the ingredients already. I did the creamy salsa dip tonight and can't wait to try more. THanks for creating this folder!
I love the premise and simplicity/directness of the wording. The scene and story you tell pulled me in like a good story.
The only thing I see is in two of the stanzas you have the first and third lines starting with "I" - i felt like it was a pattern but then it wasn't. I almost think you could adjust it to be that and still have the same mood. This would create a definite rhythm. For instance, I received his soft kiss.
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