Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

476

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14 days may be credited.

#2762191

Review of Path of Open Doors

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

Overall Impressions
I've come to expect a lot from your writing and each time I read something new, I remember why that is! It won't be long before I see you in print, and this well written story of a 'supernatural' turning point in your protagonists life intrigued me as to other stories based on this character's development.

Favourite Parts
Now, it really would be unfair to pick a particular part, but I have to say I loved the pace you set. Your whole story seemed to pulse along like your opening sound of the rail tracks - compelling stuff!

Suggestions

What?! Jane's stomach fluttered madly

- this was the only part which jumped out at me. It may just be me, Nicki, but I get a nervous twitch when I see double end punctuation. Personally, I'd go with the question mark, as the reader is already as shocked as Jane, at this point.

Write on and take care!

477

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14 days may be credited.

#2762166

Review of Shelby

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

Overall Impressions
Children are a great source of material for writers. They force us to examine the world from a perspective which may not have crossed our mind before. This story looks at a mother's questions on the use of products and delivers a twist with the end result.

Favourite Parts
I think you set the 'mystery' up well here, and have created some interesting characters which retained my interest with the story.

Suggestions

This should be a good spot for those that love the humidity. When all of the pots occupied their new places, she stood back and admired the arrangement. They should do quite well there.

- repetition.

A squeal from the backyard drew her attention outside the window where Jason was trying for a new height record on the swings while Shelby created a mountainous terrain in the sandbox over which her toy dinosaurs roamed. Linda smiled as she noted that the little girl had stuck twigs into the hills to represent a forest.

- this particular scene is redundant, as it serves no purpose in the story. If a scene is 'dead', and I mean it doesn't advance the story, or foreshadow events, or add to character development, etc -- in other words, if it just is a 'scene', you should edit it out. You may be proud of the construction of a sentence within it, or a descriptive image, if this is the case, I suggest making an item where you can store such snippets to better fit a future story

Write on and take care!

478

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2762150

Review of A Wish For You, My Son

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

Overall Impressions
A lovely examination of a child's life through the eyes of his mother. Touching and tender, this poem gives the reader a good insight to the observations of parenting. Some of changes in line length detracted from the overall rhythm of the poem.

Favourite Parts
A beautiful dedication to an important relationship. I thought the narrative tone was well maintained throughout

Suggestions

and face your fears in despite it all.

Write on and take care!

479

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2760634

Review of What are these wings good for when ...

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This poem is packed full of energy and imagery, and all in an acrostic too

What are my favourite parts?

intently I release the word in triplicate as meant and said
toppling through the cosmos on blue light beams
‘till I hear the echo boomerang loud screams

- lovely use of poetic language and imagery here

What are my suggestions?
None -Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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480

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14 days may be credited.

#2758504

Review of Imagination Alphabet

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
How could I not pop in and raid the princess of power reviewing

? This in & out is set up really well and I addictive! I had to post

What are my favourite parts?
As per usual, you ensure a visually stunning presentation to your creation. The use of illustration and WritingML enhance the main body of instructions well and show those thinking of adding that you care about the item - well displayed and welcoming

What are my suggestions?
None - alphabetize on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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481

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14 days may be credited.

#2757120

Review of A LITTLE HOUSE ON THE HILL

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging

A lovely poem which made me smile with its warm, nostalgic tone and narrative description. The HOME you paint is just that: a home, not a house. Descriptions which include family, pets and nature all enhance your poem.

I only noticed one typo:

I'vs planted flowers

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

482

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14 days may be credited.

#2756143

Review of Things Mom Forgot To Mention!

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

Thanks for your entry in "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I can see why this funny write has a lovely ribbon next to it! Insightful, humorous, tongue-in-cheek, observational... the list goes on and on.

What are my favourite parts?
They are all good, but the following made me snort in acknowledgment:

Your mother will never, ever change. Deal with it.

What are my suggestions?
Simple fix on the ellipsis (they move in threes

)

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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483

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14 days may be credited.

#2752960

Review of The Graveyard.

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I liked the look of this folder for the name alone

The dark theme runs through your port and this folder is most fitting. I'm not reviewing this as part of Lornda's port raid, but only because I wanted to comment.

What are my favourite parts?
Your headstone, mist filled, graveyard illustration is fab!

What are my suggestions?
You have two items (they could be images or links to forums/other works) which are not working. This is because you have used the wrong WritingML code and typed {center:#####} rather than "item", or "image". It's an easy fix and well worth the time as this is a fantastic portal to your other work.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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484

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14 days may be credited.

#2749834

Review of Green Peas at Stake

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
This raw stage of your poetry makes for addictive reading, from Plath, floral inspirations and the Knife Selling industry. I'm a bit of an old dinosaur; the kind who liked old vinyl, and analogue recordings because of their 'naked' honesty. So, I absolutely adored this item. Thank you!

What are my favourite parts?

White ibises, imitating catwalk models, stroll on their thin stilts

- lovely imagery bursts out of your entries and this one caused a smile to flicker over my face

What are my suggestions?
Oh, none! I look forward to visiting this item again soon. Write on.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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485

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14 days may be credited.

#2749139

Review of Top Ten Highlights of Convention 2003

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, this was only five years ago, but it is wonderful to smile at the events you list here. I feel so jealous to be a relatively recent addition to the site, but would love to see an event like this take place again one day

What are my favourite parts?
It is great to have links to members suitcases and these humorous anecdotes will make me look at all involved just a little differently!

What are my suggestions?
One member's name link no longer works and you may want to replace it with her written name instead.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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486

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14 days may be credited.

#2745915

Review of Forbbiden Love

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

I am reviewing this story for "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Good pace and thoughtful story, but you should take a little time to proof read and your reader's enjoyment will be enhanced.

What are my favourite parts?
I think you do a great job of establishing plot line and developing this in an interesting and believable way.

What are my suggestions?

ever noticed that whenever a disagreement

- try to proof read for extraneous word use; getting rid of 'fillers' like "that" and "had" can add more punch to your writing.

Then you fin[ed] out that they were right

that's the story of my life. Which lead to the argument [that which] caused a major uproot in my life.

dating for three months now, only I hadn't told my mother that. I was suprised that it took this

- I've probably made my point! I'll let you look through the rest of the text for these points

He wasn't good for me beacause he's not a honors student like me, big deal. He's no good for me

"because". Watch out for changes in tense. You start out using past tense and then move into present. s***s like this can be very distracting for you reader.

when I heard the familier voice

- familiar. Use the site spell checker in the item's tool bar to help proof read for spelling errors

What's up?!?

- use only one form of line end punctuation.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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487

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#2743116

Review of Deep Peace

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Congratulations on your Honourable Mention in "Invalid Item"

I enjoyed reading this and wish you look in the site wide contest it appears to have been written for.

What are my favourite parts?
I really enjoyed the tone you set with this "in-the-moment" piece. You have some lovely imagery which pulled me into the setting easily

What are my suggestions?

t was early morning and the mist[,] frothy and cool[,] lingered above the murky waters of the lake.

- try reading work out loud to see where punctuation naturally falls.

They whispered a tune so beautiful and mysterious that all could hear it if they only chose to listen.

- watch out for words which can be cut without altering meaning, or are poor substitutes for more appropriate ones. These include: "had", "just" and "that".

Deep within all that tissue beat a heart, and it pumped blood throughout that small body. Ok son now put him back. The boy didn't protest.

- denoting dialogue with quotation marks would help the narrative clarity in places such as this.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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488

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14 days may be credited.

#2743113

Review of BREAD

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Congratulations on your Honourable Mention in "Invalid Item"

!

This is an amazing monologue of your narrator's life. Well written with some fabulous description, I soon got drawn into your fabulous story telling. There were a couple of places I thought you could tighten your vocabulary, but these will be easily pinpointed by proof reading.

What are my favourite parts?

I remember the fresh smell of bread as it baked in the oven in our little cottage.I used to inhale that aroma in deep breaths; to me that had to be the scent of heaven. My mother kneaded that bread until her tears were mixed in the dough. At the time, I imagined it was her tears that made the bread smell so.

- wonderful, vivid imagery. My stomach grumbled as I engaged all of my senses as I read

What are my suggestions?
Beware the extraneous word monster... (he normally lives in my port

):

my husband had gotten for me.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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489

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14 days may be credited.

#2743086

Review of The Wolf

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Wow! Powerful stuff, Leger

Love all the imagery and careful word choice selection here. The whole tone is dark and passionate; a realistic evocation of emotions

What are my favourite parts?

My light upon your pain,
...In silvered embrace,
...Wax and wane, the way

- all these nods to moon metaphor really help the poem build in imagery and impact. Fabulous writing

What are my suggestions?
Please think about changing your item listing and genre choices? This is poetry, not prose, and "other" really won't be used that often on the site search engine.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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490

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14 days may be credited.

#2743080

Review of Scribblings of Love

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I should let you know at this point: I like your hat. Although, a sombrero would bring out your eyes

Yes, another day - another folder. I have to be honest and say I giggled a bit at the rating already on it; someone obviously has a problem with love... Not me! I love love

and this folder is full of the stuff. Some sad love, some happy love, some naughty love and some less tangible love. All love is good love... so perhaps the low rating was tough love?

What are my favourite parts?
Well organised, pretty illustration - what's not to like?

What are my suggestions?
None - Love On!

(useful and meaningful reviews on the way

)

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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491

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14 days may be credited.

#2742478

Review of Don't Build a Shrine

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
You state your feelings and points on public reactions to death very clearly in this well written piece. Your vocabulary is varied, thoughtful and caries a serious tone on a very serious subject. It may be an idea to explore the alternate argument as an essay form, but that, of course, is entirely up to you.

What are my favourite parts?
Your 'voice' comes through very clearly and with weighted consideration. Your rational behind your argument and use of structuring to reflect imagery at the road-side against the reality of the morgue and funeral arrangements really adds a potency to your argument.

What are my suggestions?
If this were a monologue, or article, I might feel more at home with it, but the "essay" tag seems ill-fitting, because I've been brought up to believe an essay is slightly more objective and looks at two sides of the argument (sure, it favours one more than the other, but usually nods there is another POV... albeit the wrong one). Changing your genre item choice might locating it easier for your prospective readership on the site engine.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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492

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14 days may be credited.

#2742337

Review of The Day My Father Died

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Your father's death was a profound experience and using tools, such as your incredibly poetic voice, to help you come to terms with his illness, demise and loss, is a wonderful way to heal. I was surprised to find this poem outside of the folder where most of your poetry resides on this subject, but then saw the connection with Ghost Ranch. It sounds as if you had a really fulfilling time on "The Flowering Self" poetry workshop, and this whole folder is a pleasure to read. However, this poem stood out the most for me and left a lasting impression - wonderful writing expression

What are my favourite parts?

but it was the mockingbird
who sang a gentle, mournful song
with the women in my father's life -

Beautiful stream of conscious poetry in Free Verse form. There were so many other places where metaphor and imagery melted together in your words with such power. This really was a treat to read and hit me hard on an emotional level.

What are my suggestions?
None - beautifully written. Write On!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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493

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14 days may be credited.

#2742330

Review of Rx: Laughter

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I love stumbling across these old newsletter articles around the mods, and senior mods, ports. I know WDC has an archive section, but as they are vast repositories, finding hidden gems like this is always a boon. I really did enjoy your relaxed tone and intimate expression of subject in this article, especially by useing a personal experience (your mothers illness) as a great analogy for your argument. As well done as this is, I do think there is room to turn this good article into a great one

What are my favourite parts?
I like the way you use a serious example to prove a non-serious theory. Connecting with the reader in this way is very intimate, adds a depth to your words and is very engaging

Your mom's choice of humour is a great example of our need to laugh at death (Weekend at Bernie's is a classic

) My mother is battling cancer at the moment too, and her ability to laugh in the face of her experiences is truly a comfort to those who love her.

What are my suggestions?
You use an asterisk to indicate "healing" having a further notation, but as I read directly from the screen, I didn't scroll down because you have used medical information with asterisk bullet points. Perhaps you could re-edit using the site's ability to create footnotes in order to clarify?

When my mother was first diagnosed with cancer in 1993 she did all of the things the doctors told her to do, which included, among other things, surgery and radiation.

- repetition.

things that I told her to do, including guided meditation and visualization. And she did some things that my sister told her

- I'm currently having a clean out of extraneous words in some of my older items, so the word use of "that" flags up when I see it. I now look at it and think "Do I really need you?". Often it is a poor substitute for a more apt word, or is not needed at all.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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494

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#2742320

Review of Drama Forum

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This is a warm and welcoming forum which is aimed at one of the growing niche of writers here on WDC. It is clearly set out, with good use of WritingML but there is room for some small improvement.

What are my favourite parts?
Informal and friendly, this place actively encourages participation from site members. Setting the rating at 13+ means you are welcoming a huge portion of WDC to feel comfortable here

What are my suggestions?
You mention occasional contest activities to do with the newsletter and a link to archived newsletters would be great, including contest details.

ADVERTISE! I would never have know this place existed were it not for the Senior Mod Raid. I realise the site is large and writers move in different circles, but you could use the Activities Page to highlight this forum. One newbie member on the site has set up a group dedicated to Drama, and this would make a lovely link in their group literature. Why not visit and work on some mutual promotion?

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1403470 by Not Available.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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495

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14 days may be credited.

#2741364

Review of Freddy's letter

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

I am reviewing this as an entry in "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I really did enjoy this letter. Custer may be the more famous General, but this letter from Frederick Benteen is peppered with historical data delivered in a smooth and believable tone in a fictional last letter home.

What are my favourite parts?

It is needless for me to say, Reno failed in his mission. You have met the man Kitty, he is a disgrace.

- I love the way you get the history in so seamlessly

This letter home works really well as a story telling device and allows me to imagine it as an intimate possibility between the two communicants. The post script was very poignant

What are my suggestions?

I am certain [x}that{/x} even now he is watering his horses

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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496

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14 days may be credited.

#2741347

Review of Thunder at the Vesper Hour

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

I am reviewing this as an entry in "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
This internal monologue hits the prompt well and serves up a smashing slice of history. The story is well told but there are some areas where a fine edit would strengthen your delivery.

What are my favourite parts?
I think you capture the "voice" of your narrator really well. I was drawn into his emotions as I read and could almost hear his words in my mind's ear - good writing and character development

What are my suggestions?
You use many exclamation marks. There are places where their use is so concentrated they lose their impact.

There are a number of occasions where a wider vocabulary will tighten your text and add more punch to your words. Look out for words like 'than' and 'had', as often they are poor substitutes for better words, or not needed at all:

That at her funeral I was so distraught that they had to support me. That I wasted away into dissipation and drinking, after she was gone. I know what they say. That I am suspicious of everyone, and that I imprison the nobility on a whim. But that does not change the fact that there are traitors everywhere, that they want me

sky of Almighty God..

- three periods in an ellipsis

when I was 4, my mother poisoned when I was 8.

- avoid numerical symbols and use the written text form.

Oh[,] the arrogance of

Is [that it] wicked, to revenge yourself on those who torment you, and claim your patrimony?

- I don't think you really need the commas in this sentence.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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497

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14 days may be credited.

#2738496

Review of Of WDC and Drama

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
You wonderful, clever, witty writer, you

I love acrostic poetry, but this one is inspirational! Love the message behind the words and your eloquent way in which you express yourself. Bravo!

What are my favourite parts?
All those genres! Have you ever written something for each of them? I think that may well be my next personal challenge

What are my suggestions?
None - just the pick-me-up I needed; thanks

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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498

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#2733296

Review of Activities & Misc

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I know some people don't think awarding stars and reviewing folders is serious reviewing, but I disagree. A folder means the author wants to tidy up and organise. A folder is usually a good indication of a prolific writer too, and boy, are you prolific!

What are my favourite parts?
Activities and Misc. is a good description! Blog, In & Out, Images and a survey - there really is something here for everyone - thank you

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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499

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14 days may be credited.

#2729075

Review of BIRTHDAY THOUGHTS: a sonnet-award winner

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
You sure know the way to Acme's heart

I love sonnets and and enjoyed this unusual take on the Birthday prompt. I say unusual, because it is something most people associate with parties and celebrations, and you choose to examine the more philosophical view of the aging process. Thought provoking writing

What are my favourite parts?
I really enjoyed the narrative POV which examined the place for the elderly, not wanting to be a burden, and the tone of dread which was attached to the aging process.

What are my suggestions?

Should I be happy that it’s my birthday,

- "that" is often an unnecessary words and you would not lose the meter if you were to get rid of it altogether and abandon the contraction of "it is". In fact you use the word "that" seven times which accounts for its presence in half the lines of the sonnet. I know the temptation to use 'weak' words when trying to achieve a well stressed iambic pentameter, but think any effort you employ in a re-write will be worth it

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2726511

Review of The Dream Job

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Hey there! Welcome to WDC, a writing community full of variety, where you'll soon feel at home

I read this and really enjoyed the fantasy comedy I found in your narrators voice. I'm from the north of England and could imagine a similar accent (erm, probably the colourful language

) There are a few areas where a little editing will go a long way.

What are my favourite parts?
Your comic timing and delivery was great, but my favourite part to your writing has to be the development of character through this monologue; really 3D flesh and blood. Well written

What are my suggestions?
Most people who are looking for something to read will use the site search engine to help them find by genre. As few feel like reading "other" you should take time to put genre choices in. I'm a huge comedy fan and may well have over-looked this had I not seen your post in the Noticing Newbies forum.

“over the shoulder[,] three at the time[,] flick wrist[,] throw”

if it’s not made out of strong fabric, it’ll last four hours

- if you are going to be time specific, go for "three", or "five", otherwise it is a little distracting as a possible typo.

There are a couple of instances where you could widen your vocabulary and spice up your text (eg, frustration is mentioned a couple of times in swift succession)

Last[,] but not least, you have to vacuum

Finally, if you are into comedy as much as this item suggests, why not visit the following group and see if you would like to join?

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by A Guest Visitor

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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