Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

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#2845448

Review of A Visit with Aunt Jane

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
You do a great job of revealing your characters through their dialogue. Have you ever tried billwilcox's Dialogue 500? If not, you should give it a shot, because it certainly seems a strong point.

Favourite Parts

“What’s wrong, mommy?”
“Nothing for you to worry about, sweetie,” mom said, reaching out to smooth her hair. “It’s just that Grandma May is very sick and mommy may have to go and help her out for a couple of days.”
“Is SpongeBob on yet?”

- realistic. This dialogue shows the utter faith of children to take a mother's words as rule: from concern to SpongeBob in one 'don't worry'. There are little touches of realism peppering this story and each added weight to your words and authenticity to your narrative. Ace *smlie*

Suggestions

She turned back toward the TV as she heard Dad say, “Well, I’ve got to go . . .”

Because you've indicated that grandma is ill, this looks as if dad is saying he's got to go... and be by her side. It was only later I realised he was excusing himself from the story. You may want to make this statement clearer, eg:

She turned back toward the TV as she heard Dad say, “Honey, I wish I could be with you, but you know I’m out of town with the investors until . . .”
That one snippet of information negates the necessity of explaining why Teresa can't stay with daddy too.

I get the feeling the story isn't quite finished. While you furnish us with a lot of plot lines starting, there is no real satisfaction of seeing any of them tied up, making this more of a character sketch than a story.

Write on and take care!

402

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#2844794

Review of Yoda Remembers

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, Bill, it is always a pleasure to read your dialogue. Thanks for submitting this one in "Invalid Item"

You had me from the moment the mother spoke. It's just one of those voices which come alive with a universal accent. The concept of Yoda's parentage was perfect. The comedy has some lovely slapstick moments, with a sprinkling of Monty Python silliness. Making Yoda the 'straight' guy was a great choice which worked well.

What are my favourite parts?

“Understand your kind, I do. Take after your father, that’s what. Just like him you are, yes?”

You can actually make this sound like a normal Yorkshire housewife on this side of the pond; made even more apt by a cracking name choice for her

What are my suggestions?
My old grammar teacher makes me acknowledge the following 1:

Yoda’s mother was one damn hostile Jedi. And she was the very first to discover the Dark Side of the Force....

A conjunction shouldn't start a sentence if you can avoid it, and ellipses move around in threes.

You’re suppose[d] to be kind and understanding

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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Footnotes
1 yes, I am this dated, so please feel free to ignore in the face of more modern knowledge and possible trans-Atlantic differences

403

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#2844774

Review of Metaphorical Stew

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
OMG! This is hilarious stuff

Thank you so much for entering it into "Invalid Item"

. I used to go through 'passed paper' here in the UK, but strangely enough it was the science ones which tickled my funny bones:

Q. Why do birds not get electrocuted when the alight on high voltage wires?
A. Because they have little rubber feet.

This funny collection of metaphors and similes did more than make me smile: it made me wince. There is nothing more amusing than someone else's humourous imagery. This beautiful comedy piece made me laugh out loud and scare the kids. Thanks!

What are my favourite parts?
I don't really need to add any comment, whatsoever, to the following excerpt:
He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like the guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it.

What are my suggestions?
Oh, Jace... don't be silly. Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2844502

Review of Dancers Never Die

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
I loved this picture prompt, Audra, and think you have done it justice. It's weird, but it was about a year ago that I wrote a sonnet about what happens to dancers who get too old to perform... and is long due a revision... I'll go there after this! Oh, are you me?

*gulps, shakes of nervous feeling and gets on with things...*

Thanks for entering the Night 2 challenge in "Invalid Item"

This is a lovely romantic take on the prompt. I guess it's all about whether you think the glass is half full, or half empty. I thought it looked like the woman was running away, but you managed to turn that image into and active expression of dance. In fact, you made this poem a very raw examination of art for arts sake.

What are my favourite parts?
Great hook, strong narrative/character development in the middle and a beautifully romantic ending worthy of an encore - ace

What are my suggestions?
I know this is simple rhyming couplet, but at times you managed to build up a lovely rhythm in your first line's meter which you lost a little in the second lines.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2844474

Review of The Taking of Land

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Night 1 of "Invalid Item"

I have to say, it has been a long time since I have been so moved by a story. I felt the narrative as if I were in the scene and experiencing these things. Thank you for sharing this story, Audra - I'm going to pick my jaw off the floor, make a coffee and try to finish this review with a little more perspective and a little less shell shock...

What are my favourite parts?
Really good use of metaphor and simile, but the best section was my ability to share both the shock and shared dark humour of finding the neighbour's horse on the previously horseless farm. It jolted me into the strange reality of calm after the storm as well as providing some lovely character insight to your father - brilliant!

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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406

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#2844006

Review of The Knife of the British Isles.

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

You're a genius, Liz

Seize the day? You seized my imagination with this excellent, look at a many-meaning filled tool. I loved the added personal touches, as you explored links to the past and present in this essay. Well written, with no suggestions for improvement. Write On!

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407

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#2835043

Review of The Speech

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Member to Member Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
I was in the mood for a horror read, but thought I better distill the pleasure with a poem. I think the rhyming couplet structure works well

What are my favourite parts?

Although it left me twitching and painfully did contort,
Now it's nearly over, the spasms hellish sport.

your language choices really helped set the dark tone, which tinged the narrative - ace!

What are my suggestions?
There were just a few couplets where the rhythm seemed to falter. Have friend read them out loud and spot the places where they find it difficult to sit the words in the meter.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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408

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#2832356

Review of The Power Of The Imagination

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I felt compelled to read this poem, because I like to see how writer tackle new areas of the writing. Using an AABB quatrain form is a great way to explore rhyming poetry, and although you haven't followed a syllabic scheme, this poem does have a natural rhythm.

What are my favourite parts?
I loved the feel good factor to this poem. Narrative poetry is not always an easy thing to accomplish well, but here you have a definite beginning, middle and end. The humour of this children's poem is good too.

What are my suggestions?
None. Simply good fun and please Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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409

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#2832352

Review of I Miss

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Grandparents can be such huge influences in our life and this poem is a fine tribute to your grandma

What are my favourite parts?

I miss how, just when I thought I knew all there was to know about you,
I would learn something new

Simply lovely

What are my suggestions?

I miss your hair, white and fluffy as clouds
I miss your bright smile, contagious as the common cold

although these similes certainly added weight to your meaning, I thought them to be wildly different in tone. 'Contagious as the common cold' is clever, and expresses your meaning well, but is not in the same loving tone as the rest of your poem.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2832351

Review of Reflections of a Counter Waiter

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
This poem is about one of my favourite paintings and started my fascination and love with American art and literature, so there was no way in the world I could avoid visiting!

What are my favourite parts?
You really do well to capture the character of your narrator, and I could easily assimilate his 'voice' to the character in the picture. I particularly liked:

Dirty dishes (sinkfuls of 'em),
A leaky ceiling (buckets on the floor),
And broken seats (spring poking your rear)...

What are my suggestions?

Who accompany them in faded top hats.

faded fedoras would be more accurate and create good alliteration.

Yet for all their fancy parties,
Cocktail hours and dances,
For all their expensive cars,
Rolls-Royces and Cadillacs,

A little unlikely to the scene as this is a portrait of a country on its way out of the Depression era. Hopper painted it shortly after Pearl Harbour and there is an air of desperation about this Greenwich Village parlour.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2832348

Review of The Sixtieth Arrow

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
A while back larryp ran a contest where the prompt was 'Seldom Spoke In Sonnets'. I know this isn't a sonnet, but you have certainly approached a subject seldom wrote by poets. This unique POV is well developed in this poem and I can see why you received a podium finish for it

What are my favourite parts?

Your arms whine
As you gradually pull back the string,
But you ignore their burning pleas for rest.

lovely personification and strong imagery are some of the well used poetic devices in this item

What are my suggestions?
No suggestions for improvement.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2832345

Review of Character Sketch

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Character sketches are good practice in developing well-rounded characters for use in story-lines. The strange thing about this sketch is that I get more of an indication of the type of character the Coach is, rather than Allen.

What are my favourite parts?
Your humour shines through your dialogue, which is smooth and believable.

What are my suggestions?
Even though this is a character sketch (presumable something to be used within another item?), you can still encourage readers by using your item type and genre fields.

his asthma may him incapable of playing

made

As he grew older Allen grew a love for sports.

Allen's love for sports grew

and said, “[sonSon,] I do believe the cheerleading squad is over there.”

Allen go[t] leveled big time

There are a number of dialogue starts which don't use a capital letter to begin them and you should edit them in.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2832319

Review of November, 1518

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"

This compelling read gave me shivers of excitement. Your knowledge of Henry's history is evident, as are key details of Katherine (Caught in one simple sentence, I loved the acknowledgment of her understanding of military campaigns, which she would have been only too privy to in her native upbringing

)

What are my favourite parts?

And now that another birth was near, the queen had settled into a familiar routine of soaring hope and black despair as she waited to see if the pain and worry were worth it all.

you manage to capture the desperate necessity of a queen to birth a male heir in this intimate portrayal of Katherine

Also, this is a tale which really could alter the history of an entire nation, and possible crush religious reformation on a global scale (could the Pilgrim fathers have set sail from England were still fully Catholic?) Thought provoking stuff!

What are my suggestions?
You have not 'turned off' your italicised text after one of your character's thoughts.

Because many readers read direct from the screen, you should use double return spacing between paragraphs and dialogue.

Proof read for 'impossible history':

caught in the cross-hairs as these

cross-hairs are gun sights and not associated with this period of British history.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2832310

Review of Death of a Surrender

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"

First, I have to thank you for using one of the best site tools there is: the Edit Point System encourages technical reviewing and I will add any points which I notice to those and keep this a general review

. I loved your story telling

The plot is well executed and left me wanting more. This would make a good basis for a longer item.

What are my favourite parts?
The professor's summation of really got me exploring the alternate history you put forward. A real 'What if...'

What are my suggestions?
Please see your edit points for technical suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2823887

Review of Walking on Eggshells

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
If a poem, or any literal work, can make me excitedly think of another then I feel ace. I know some folks don't think that way, but I'm a bit of a "literature DJ", and like to think what other piece would sit well either side of the one I've read. If you can be bothered to make out the murky British accent in the Tindersticks song, 'my sister', then please take the time to struggle with the following link. Your poem's use of child-like narrative really resonated with me and reminded me of the 'stream of consciousness' thought which sometimes only children can be masters of:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gcPr_IvfZyY

What are my favourite parts?
The wisdom of the final stanza is such a perfect closing and hopeful resolution for those involved - very well written

What are my suggestions?
This poem is not 'literal musings', please re-consider the title to incorporate the cyclical narrative, and call it 'walking on egg-shells'? Why? Because "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet... but would you really stop to sniff a 's*** flower'"? In other words, as Shakespeare pointed out

, readers 'click' on the title and the brief description, so make them potent and carry the hook with them

four year old brings

- I'm not sure about the wonderful world of hyphenated text, but I'm vaguely aware of incorporating them in to year-olds (you may want to check that suggestion out)

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2823879

Review of The Voices Won

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Like Star Trek, there are fans and there are fans of poetry. I'm a fan. One of those who will never quite make it to space, unless there is a launch pad for buck-toothed, rotund-waisted, wannabe, dreamers. Poetry is like that for me; I'm a huge fan of what poets do, but not necessarily very good at it myself (except for sonnets, which I am plugging here in this review, because, next to Shakespeare, I'm the dogs at those

). However, "to thine own self be true", and while I can enjoy, and admire the power of such emotionally driven poetry, I feel I can only connect to its content through wordsmiths like yourself.

I love (so you might like) Stevie Smith. Here's a link to one of her most famous poems, which, even if you do know, is never a bad thing to read again

:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/poetry/outloud/smith.sht...

Okay, so you're a 'dark' poet, and I'm the 'anti-dark', but I sure enjoyed this honest, non-sensationalist, Free Verse poem, which stuck a cord with me as a human being. Good use of poetic language and the freedom the lack of structure gave you was handled very well

What are my favourite parts?

Stumbling embrace of mother and daughter,
gut wrenching fear and numbness,
helplessness and hopelessness,
collide in a tangle of despair.

Beautiful language, imagery, narrative development, assonance, insight, metaphor... etc, I could go on, but the bottom line is this part of the poem dragged me kicking and screaming into the poet's mindset; I became putty in your hands from this moment forth - completely, emotionally, at your mercy as a reader. Excellent writing

Talking of which, I very rarely pick out more than one shining moment of powerful poetry, but I feel this stand-alone stanza deserves highlighting:

Blood spills freely,
knife lays glaringly aside.

Why? Well, because it is very rare for me to find a poem with a strong beginning, middle and end, and this pivotal mid-section hit me with as much force as your stunning opening and jaw dropping finale. Personification of the weapon is such a simple tool, but one used to the best advantage of the poem - stunning.

What are my suggestions?

“No no,” voices sing.

'No. No', or 'No-no'?

from the teenage neck
the long hallway

Think 'condensed' and look at every word as something which should earn its keep in your poem - do you really need the 'the's?

You might need a more dialogue friendly reviewer, but I've always seen 'thought' as a way something is said (so the comma and lowercase work well here), and the 'fear tickles...' is an action tag, so the full-stop in the question mark should be acknowledged, and the following 'fear' should be capitalised:

“Horrific halloween prank?”
first thought at the sight.
Unworldly mind cannot comprehend.
Absently ironing for this cannot be.
“What am I seeing?” fear tickles at her brain.

“Jim, Jim, quick!!”

I'm with my hubby on this bug-bear: one end line punctuation per line. Don't over-egg the pudding. Exclamation is exclamation, so there is no need to underline it to the reader. Also, the following line needs to be capitalised.

sensing calmn she must bring

sp

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2814081

Review of Clemson vs Carolina

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
I smiled through out reading this poem and it showed good use of the Comedy All Sorts 'Sports' prompt. Team affiliation makes its own comedy, and I like how you got the cheering and jeering of friendly competition into the action of the game

What are my suggestions?
Odd, but the 'whoop' distracted me. Perhaps 'Whup'?

There are a couple of places where a comma wouldn't go amiss, eg:

Our team scores[,] hear the cheering

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2814078

Review of Laziness Keeps Me Humble

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This autobiographical essay makes for enjoyable reading

What are my favourite parts?
I love the fact that your comedy is not self-depreciating; it is much more cleverly executed by observing the humourous traits of you personality

What are my suggestions?

Oh, and I don’t even want all that much, my friends

The use of 'my friends' distracted me and made the 'monologue' feel a little obvious (as if I were being talked at). I think this piece works well when you lay it out for the reader to accept your words as they are: your use of contractions and conversational language create an informal and intimate item, so you don't need to jolt the reader into a false relationship with your narrative.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2812640

Review of Eden Now

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
I found this a well written sci-fi piece and thoroughly enjoyed the narrative tone through out. There are a few areas which could use a fresh pair of eyes in an edit to polish to perfection

What are my favourite parts?

She takes my hand, and pulls me gently toward her. I can smell her perfume, and my mind dissects it, breaking it down to the different ingredients, down to the compounds and the separate chemical elements, down to the individual molecules... and I count them all within milliseconds. Ah, love.

- wonderful writing. I love the poetic language mixed with the technical. It works really well in delivering an insight into the narrator and creates intimacy in the scene for the reader to respond to

What are my suggestions?

I attempted to appear natural and confident, ... normal, if you will

choose one form of punctuation here and here:

was the same old, ...the same
Both the comma and the ellipsis work individually, but not together.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2808955

Review of The Mirror Does Lie

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Only one return error jumped out at me:

“A+ Excellent job! The only regret I have on this paper
is that I didn’t think of the idea first.”

And there are a coulple of missing commas if you want to proof read specifically for them, but I think this is the item you should consider entering into the adopt-a-newbie contest -- it's a good story, well expressed

Write on and take care,
Acme
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14 days may be credited.

#2807106

Review of Dam Beavers - Star Commander Episode

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
A good sci-fi, surreal, comedy which needs a little visual tidy and an editorial proof read (Printing out can make proof-reading a little easier)

What are my favourite parts?
You have some great slap-stick comedy moments such as this one:

Ug: Why would you want to go to a movie when you can not see?

Genevieve: I just wanted to be with you! (She runs off crying and runs into several things on her way out.)

I also thought the beaver "What's delta pattern attack?" was a well executed scene

What are my suggestions?

help with their unexpected draught

- I can imagine it gets nippy on a wooden space craft, but did you mean 'drought'?

As with any kind of script, the following is moot:

He feels bad that he is so ugly and she is blind. He feels like he is taking advantage of her.

You have to show us as the audience can't see feelings.

Genevieve: Ug, I have something to tell you.

Ug: What is it my dear?

- When characters are talking with each other they rarely need to address each other by name - you wouldn't in a normal conversation.

it was made in china

- capitalise China

(He pulls the ship tighter together.

- close parenthises

A number of your lines start with 'well'. They are superfluous and become distracting. Remove any and all trace of them in your next edit

Og: Yep. And I have backup screws, so this will never happen again. (Later a different size screw falls off of his toy.)

We won't see this though. For added effect why not exaggerate and write (the bots head falls off unnoticed) or something similar?

Yeah!! Fire at will!!

exclamation marks and question marks should only come in solitary numbers...

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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422

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14 days may be credited.

#2807030

Review of Sunday

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
I liked the take on the prompt in this poem and enjoyed the pace and tone you set which took me into a Sunday afternoon by the lake.

What are my favourite parts?

The sunday afternoon sun lounging at my feet

- Sunday should be capitalised. I loved this personification of the sun and thought it worked really well in the context of the rest of the imagery

What are my suggestions?
While I can't argue with your brief description, it doesn't really sell your poem, and you may want to consider using this space to advertise the content. The same can be said of using the genre fields and item type. Many visitors to the site use the site search engine to find something to read and it is worth while filling these in.

And he smiled through his teeth at me
Like he sees between the

the change from past to present tense is a little distracting.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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423

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14 days may be credited.

#2806942

Review of A Kansas Duel

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
The hard work is done here; you have a compelling, action-packed, vivid and well told Western here. All that remains is you look to proof read for typos and punctuation. Once you have edited I will be happy to come back to rate and review. Here is a current site contest which spring to mind where I think the polished version of this may do well:

Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox

(ASR)
A monthly contest that focuses on Genre writing. CLOSED for the Summer.
#1092898 by StephBee

What are my favourite parts?
I love the narrative tone you set with the informal 'voice' of the narrator:

Most times in a fight, one of the fighters didn’t know he was in a fight ‘til he was shot to bits. One time though I saw a duel. A duel! A stand up, face each other and shoot duel. Damndest thing.

What are my suggestions?
I realise this a rough edit, but thought I would point out those areas which stood out to me

I can remember it like it was just yesterday[,. I]n fact[,] I can remember it better than if it was yesterday.

I usually got around that by paying some kids to do [that the] dirty work.

come out from the cities thinking that it was all like those damned dime novels

You want pyrotechnics, Hardin’s Trading Post is as close to a saloon as you’ll find around here
This distracted me because it seemed a little out-of-time. I don't know for sure if fireworks were called pyrotechnics during the time period you mentioned, but it gave me a modern feel and jolted me out of the narrative.

“Never catch me trailing a damn plow” I though as I dragged
- thought (sp). Another good way to denote thought is to use italics instead of quotation marks.

Behind them, at the end of the room stood a bar. Well it was planks laid over barrels
- semicolon instead of period.

Separate your characters' dialogue with double return spacing.

“What[']s to stop you from skinning out the back door?”

Reading out loud will help you locate comma and period points:

There ain’t any back door[,] or even a window[,] friend...
...“I killed him alright[.]” Anderson pulled a Remington revolver out of the ho[l]ster and thumbed the hammer to half cock[.] “He killed

on to the ground and ground it into the dust
- there are a couple of places where you may want to look at broadening your vocabulary

much faster in the hand than the .44 Remington Anderson [which] was pointing at him.

already soaked in [b]right red blood which

belly shot [had done did] more to him than

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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424

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14 days may be credited.

#2806842

Review of My Welcome Home

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
This would make a great start to a larger piece, or one part of of a small collection. You have a great way of showing the reader the individual personalities behind your characters and they were flesh and blood 3-D people to my imagination

There are just a few areas where editing would be beneficial.

What are my favourite parts?
There is some vivid and original imagery in this item. Here's my favourite:

When the plane landed I pushed my way to the front of the aisle with the zeal of a quarterback going for a touchdown.

What are my suggestions?
There are a couple of places you may want to edit and widen your vocabulary as well as cutting out superfluous words:

Little girls I had never heard of. Little girls who all had names that were colors

"Little girls I had never heard of. Little girls who all bore colorful names"

father’s legs in fear of me. .

typo (extra period)

She whispered to me, “She’s a xenophobic.”

“Like the Warrior Princess Xena? I look nothing like her. Mother, what is wrong with her? Make her stop!” These were not the first words I had envisioned I would [be saying say] to my parents upon my arrival.

I had to re-read this part, as it initially looked as if the xenophobic girl was speaking. As your mother is addressing you about the girl being xenophobic I did not assume you were the one who looked like Xena...

the warning I [had become became] familiar with at a very young age,

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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14 days may be credited.

#2806819

Review of Guardian Angel w/ a Sick Sense of Humor

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond (E)
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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
I enjoyed this brief glimpse into your working life and think you would have quite an audience if you were to look at the possibility of creating a 'blog' here at WDC. They are relatively easy to do and are a growing part of the community's facilities:
"Invalid Item"

What are my favourite parts?
You have some good comedy narrative in this monologue and your informal and intimate tone drew me into your story telling. Good comedy timing too:

I’m sorry it was a “who-ha”, IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL HALLWAY! They don’t train you for that.

What are my suggestions?
A lot of writers on WDC use double return spacing between paragraphs and dialogue. Is is good to adopt this to the items you have here, because most visitors/readers read directly from the screen, rather than print out the story. Having the larger spacing means the reader's eye can catch their place easier.

I realized I could go around like half of the world does and feel sorry for myself for every little obstacle life throws in my way or I could do the obvious. . . . . I can realize my life is a living cartoon and just laugh along with it.

ellipsis are made up of three periods, but personally? I would lose them here and pop in a colon instead.

to the point that people in my life now call any rare occurrences to anyone “Audra (that’s me) moments

rare occurrences of what?

For some reason he had developed this song and dance of trying

- had is often a superfluous word or a weak substitute for a more descriptive word.

This would be followed by me directed him toward the correct

directing, or better yet re-work the sentence into "I redirected him toward...and told him to pull up his pants"

I will try not to [inflect inflict] the scarring image [that which] lives in my mind

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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