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2,953 Public Reviews Given
3,697 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.
I'm good at...
...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.
Least Favorite Genres
Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.
Favorite Item Types
Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic
Least Favorite Item Types
Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.
I will not review...
Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review of Activities & Misc  
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
I know some people don't think awarding stars and reviewing folders is serious reviewing, but I disagree. A folder means the author wants to tidy up and organise. A folder is usually a good indication of a prolific writer too, and boy, are you prolific!

What are my favourite parts?
Activities and Misc. is a good description! Blog, In & Out, Images and a survey - there really is something here for everyone - thank you *Delight*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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502
502
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
You sure know the way to Acme's heart *Delight* I love sonnets and and enjoyed this unusual take on the Birthday prompt. I say unusual, because it is something most people associate with parties and celebrations, and you choose to examine the more philosophical view of the aging process. Thought provoking writing *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
I really enjoyed the narrative POV which examined the place for the elderly, not wanting to be a burden, and the tone of dread which was attached to the aging process.

What are my suggestions?
Should I be happy that it’s my birthday,
- "that" is often an unnecessary words and you would not lose the meter if you were to get rid of it altogether and abandon the contraction of "it is". In fact you use the word "that" seven times which accounts for its presence in half the lines of the sonnet. I know the temptation to use 'weak' words when trying to achieve a well stressed iambic pentameter, but think any effort you employ in a re-write will be worth it *Thumbsup*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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503
503
Review of The Dream Job  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
Hey there! Welcome to WDC, a writing community full of variety, where you'll soon feel at home *Smile* I read this and really enjoyed the fantasy comedy I found in your narrators voice. I'm from the north of England and could imagine a similar accent (erm, probably the colourful language *Laugh*) There are a few areas where a little editing will go a long way.

What are my favourite parts?
Your comic timing and delivery was great, but my favourite part to your writing has to be the development of character through this monologue; really 3D flesh and blood. Well written *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Most people who are looking for something to read will use the site search engine to help them find by genre. As few feel like reading "other" you should take time to put genre choices in. I'm a huge comedy fan and may well have over-looked this had I not seen your post in the Noticing Newbies forum.

“over the shoulder[,] three at the time[,] flick wrist[,] throw”

if it’s not made out of strong fabric, it’ll last four hours
- if you are going to be time specific, go for "three", or "five", otherwise it is a little distracting as a possible typo.

There are a couple of instances where you could widen your vocabulary and spice up your text (eg, frustration is mentioned a couple of times in swift succession)

Last[,] but not least, you have to vacuum


Finally, if you are into comedy as much as this item suggests, why not visit the following group and see if you would like to join?
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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504
504
Review of Chapter 1  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
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#1360711 by Brooklyn



Overall Impressions
Action, plot development, and character revelations. This is a good opening chapter, and I love the cliff-hanger ending as it makes me greedy for the next installment. There are just a couple of editorial areas which you may want to tighten *Smile*

Favourite Parts
It was a small golden thing. A tiny oval with intricate designs and patterns that came alive with the sun’s dying light. The shadows casting a slight darkness on its beautiful shining surface, making it look a million different shades at once.

- you have such a natural talent for vivid imagery. Care and attention to detail all enhance your thoughtful narrative

Suggestions
Some paragraphs are indented for first line, and others aren't. Uniformity in you presentation will be appreciated by your readers. Modern screen type face doesn't bother with indents, but the choice is yours.

and very thorough when inflicting pain. He had very little patience

- you may want to broaden your vocabulary her and substitute one of the 'very's

once, but even with squinting it was a lost cause.

with a handsome young logger.

- this might be me being British *Blush*, but is this a lumberjack?

pretty good, I wreckon

- reckon

or where I had even gotten it,

or where I got it

“This isn’t a joke, Sarah! The kitchen is on fire!!”

overusing exclamation marks diminishes their power, and only one is ever necessary to complete end punctuation to a sentence. Perhaps:
“This isn’t a joke, Sarah. The kitchen is on fire!”


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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505
505
Review of The Escape  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
What an opener! Action from the very first sentence propelled me into this world of your creation. Your narrative POV gives a good insight to Sarah's actions and reactions. I wanted to give you a thorough review with attention to grammar, spelling, structure etc, but you are a careful and considered writer who needs no guidance there. Welcome to WDC. The quality of this first story leads me to believe another fine writer has joined the community *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
There were many, but I have to say your vivid imagery and action led drama hooked and captivated my imagination. Ace *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
You may want to consider upping your rating to ASR, as the Angel of Death is a pretty scary fella. Take a look at "Content Rating System (CRS)"  (*Left*click the link) and see what you think!

Advertise yourself by including a hook to the plot in your brief description. Also, many readers use the genre search engine to find material which appeals to them, so use as many genre/sub-genre choices as you can. I would include "drama" and "fantasy", but you may think others fit better.

“Hello Sarah[.” H]e said softly, a smile touching his lips.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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506
506
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


Overall Impressions
Hey Jyo *Smile* This is a well constructed poem with a really emotional subject handled with care and thoughtfulness.

Favourite Parts
Sure,
and soft,
sibilant
whispers of aid;
- lovely alliteration and vivid imagery *Thumbsup*

Suggestions
I search for hint of you
it should be "a hint", but as you are adhering to a strict syllabic scheme you may want to consider pluralising it to "hints"

Write on and take care!
507
507
Review of Nuinn  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


Overall Impressions
I was a young Druid, once... a very long time ago! Your poem brought a huge chunk of reminiscing back to me, with mentions of triple life circles and Old man Oak... oh, that's me, I'm afraid: I'll be off on a nostalgia trip for the next few hours. Anyway, back to your fab poem! I like the choice of Free Verse and thought you used some lovely vivid imagery whilst packing in a lot of cultural detail.

Favourite Parts
I really enjoyed the way you came at this poem, through the trees, as it were. Your narrative voice is strong and you have captured a sense of reverence in your words. Definitely Bardic *Thumbsup*

Suggestions
The Oak tree as is the Hawthorn tree be its lifelong mates
- I would personally lose the 'be', at is seems a little extraneous and you've already set a lovely antique tone in your other language choices.

Write on and take care!
508
508
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


Overall Impressions
Lovely internal monologue of your narrator makes this an insightful, wry glance of what Valentine's day means in one school.

Favourite Parts
The smell of the chocolate intoxicated the vast number of love-struck, hormone-driven teenagers revelling in the romantic season.
- you use some great language choices to take us into the narrator's mind *Thumbsup*

Suggestions
The electrocuted frizzed hair of a punk goth with a glint of silver hanging from her lip was the first thing I noticed when walking into the cafeteria on lunch hour.
at lunch hour? Oh, and I'm aware I abuse them, but commas area great way to allow your readers to take mental breaths when reading your work *Thumbsup*

undistinguishable
- indistinguishable ?

Running a spell check is never a bad idea, either, as I'm pretty sure I spotted some on my way though (reveling?)

Write on and take care!
509
509
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


Overall Impressions
This story is so very well written. I've come to expect little else from you *Smile* Emotional, without becoming melodramatic and told with great care and attention to building Nina's character up into a 3-D flesh and blood character.

Favourite Parts
People passed her with smiling faces and carefree gaits, unaware that a great shift in the universe had taken place. She already felt disconnected from them, alone, a foreigner amid humanity.
- wonderful wordsmithing *Thumbsup*

Suggestions
None - Write On!

Write on and take care!
510
510
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
You have a good balance of fact with analytical narrative in this well researched article. There are a couple or areas where you seem to go in argumentative circles, but nothing which couldn't be tightened in a re-edit.

What are my favourite parts?
As a Brit reading an article US judiciary/senate legislature, I felt you did a great job of giving me an understanding of DOMA and all it means in the GLBT community *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
One area of repetition seems to be the Senator Nickles quote re: "... nothing earth-shattering... breaking new ground..." - you may want to look at firming up you initial point where you use this quote to incorporate your ideas from the duplicated one.

As many people read articles straight from the screen here at WDC, you may want to look into visually enhancing your reader's experience of your work. Double return spacing between paragraphs can help "anchor" the eye when scrolling down *Thumbsup* Learning how to use the WritingML system can also be of benefit and I heartily recommend the following forum:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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511
511
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
Don't worry, this isn't a "proper" review. I just wanted to welcome you to WDC and let you know I think you're organizing yourself well in order to start your writing here *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
I'm looking forward to an informative read of your DOMA policy analysis, but see in your Bio Block you want to dabble in fiction? WDC is a great place to do this.

What are my suggestions?
I found taking part in the site contests (especially the Daily Flash and Writer's Cramp) can really help unleash the muse *Smile* Have a look here to see if any of the prompts appeal to you:
Writing Contests @ Writing.Com  [E]
Writing Contests on Writing.Com are posted here.
by Writing.Com Support


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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512
512
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
A fascinating examination for a fascinating scientist. I was hooked by your introduction and enjoyed reading, and learning, about Tesla. Your citation of sources was professional and handy for following up links - thank you *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
Tesla left for Paris in 1882 for the chance to meet with Edison and his group from America. He was supposed to be getting paid to work for Edison Continental. Before work, Tesla would rise early to swim laps, and in the evenings he would play billiards and discuss inventions with his coworkers. In his spare time Nikola worked on his own ideas. At the end of the year he submitted a plan for improving the company’s dynamos and was allowed to put it into place.
- you deliver a good balance of portraying Tesla "the man" and Tesla "the scientist". This makes the reader more interested in his accomplisments and makes for and well rounded biography *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
It was here that Nikola began his formal education
- it's worth proof reading to see which extraneous words can be edited out: 'that' often is used where it isn't necessary, or in place of 'which'

“I loved that pigeon.... - three periods in an elipsis

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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513
513
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
It's always difficult to rate works in progress, but I so admire your attempt at this massive undertaking - I do hope you carry on with it *Smile* With that in mind, please let me know when it is complete and I will be happy to re-rate and review.

For the purpose of the History Contest you have made very good use of the "biography" prompt, by choosing one its most familiar and intriguing characters.

What are my favourite parts?
George would hang around his father’s forge. He would listen in on his father’s conversations with his friends and customers. It was here that he picked up the strong Democrat allegiance that he would stick to his entire life. He also “test rode” newly shod horses and in the process became an excellent horseman.
- this is just one example of your well delivered history. You give the reader a good insight into the external influences that helped form the Custer of history and you do so in an interesting and informative manner. A good example of great biographical writing *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
thereby creating a real life 19th century Brady Bunch (except his sister wasn’t constantly bitching about Marcia, Marcia MARCIA”!
- close parentheses. I do like the modern cultural references but don't need to go for full comedy, as it distracts from the detailed information you provide here: it's a fine balance, I know!

Worse than [h]is poor academics was his constant accumulation of demerits


He [had] Libby with him almost constantly and had

enjoyed a cosy family life with Libbie, and
- try to keep spelling uniform throughout to avoid distraction.

Oh, and don't forget to quote your sources in the finished piece *Delight*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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514
514
Review of ROSA PARKS  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
One of my favourite poems on this site is about your chosen biographical subject, and if you haven't read it yet I would urge you to: "Invalid Item"  Your poem also struck a chord with me, as I do enjoy your technical application of syllabic structure. There are a couple of lines which seemed a little shoe-horned in, but on the whole this was a enjoyable read and an informative entry.

What are my favourite parts?
There was an uproar and the
Bus Company concerned,
For three hundred eighty two
Days, was boycotted, spurned.
- this stanza stood out for me as your rhyme and rhythm ran very smoothly and your content was full of historical data delivered with thoughtful language choices.

What are my suggestions?
In reference to my earlier comment, you may want to revisit the following:
Did not get up for a white
Man and created fuss.


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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515
515
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
With 19 items and still growing, no wonder this folder has a lovely ribbon on it *Delight* Your support of the writing community shines through this well presented and welcoming place in your port.

What are my favourite parts?
Static Items, Books, c-Notes and forums - your commitment to enhancing the writing experience of your peers is obvious *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON and Shine ON!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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516
516
Review of Her Tears  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
The form you use is not Boonstra Brain Function Form. You may find "A Poet's Tool Box"  which has some really useful information on this particular form *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
You used the prompt well, and I thought the questions made quite an impression *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
You may want to look into re-editing this poem to meet the necessary word content per line. Also, look at some of your vocabulary and see if there is room to develop more poetic language choices.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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517
517
Review of The Immigrant  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
I did enjoy the poetic language you used in this Boonstra Brain Function Form poem, but other than mentioning 'eyes', I didn't think you made the most of the picture prompt. I have to say, though, if I were reviewing for pleasure and not as a contest judge, I would have really enjoyed your choice of subject matter and how you used the form to its good effect *Smile* Unfortunately, you have missed one of the required word counts for this form (please see *Down*

What are my favourite parts?
innocent... indignation
contemplate ... communicate ... customs ... carelessly
transplanted ... trapped
- really strong word choices enhanced the effectiveness of your words as well as providing some lovely alliteration *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Many people use the site search engine to find items to read, so you may want to consider changing the static item description from 'other' to 'poetry'. Similarly, you should consider editing your genre choices to reflect the content of your poem, rather than state 'contest'.

Line 2 has 9 words instead of 10


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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518
518
Review of Trains Take Time  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
I can see why you like this introduction. You have managed to create great pace and tone, coupled with some good imagery and thought provoking prose. A little time spent re-editing could make it a great snippet of prose.

What are my favourite parts?
time still flows like a wave crashing over my shoulders in the ocean.
- I do like your use of simile here made more potent by the metaphor of concrete which follows. These are good devices used well to enhance your prose *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
time still flows like a wave crashing over my shoulders in the ocean. While all I'm able to do is stand here and wait unknowingly for the next one to come.
- I'm aware adding a semi-colon would make this an incredibly long sentence, but the 'while' seems to fragment the sentence. Perhaps you could remove it all together and start with "All...". Doing so would make it smoother; especially as you have another 'while' starting a following sentence. This line also seems a little incomplete and may benefit a re-write.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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519
519
Review of Sorrow's face  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
Good use of Boonstra Brain Function Form, but I don't think your use of the picture prompt was evident. A little time spent revisiting this with an eye on your word choices might be beneficial as the poem looses the initial power of the first two lines as it nears the end.

What are my favourite parts?
A dominating history of destruction, replaced by present lonely desolation.
- thoughtfully constructed with lovely alliteration, I liked the pace and tone you set here *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
quick poem written for a contest
- this might be true, but you may not get a lot of readers choosing to view your work with this brief description.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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520
520
Review of Yearning  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
Good use of Boonstra Brain Function form and also of the picture prompt. This poem uses well crafted imagery, language choices and alliteration to its benefit- well written *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
no eyes but these of the unheard soul can see
wreckage of creativity locked away, wounds created by absence - I love the tone your words conveyed in these lines *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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521
521
Review of Doleful Lenses  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
Good use of the Boonstra Brain Function Form and very good use of the picture prompt. I thoroughly enjoyed the use of poetic language and imagery employed in this poem *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
crimson love, maroon the vice, redder yet the price,
- lovely use of language to convey meaning *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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522
522
Review of I Just LOVE...  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
This is a good poem but I don't think you used the prompt. The Boonstra Brain Function Form uses 2 words on the 6th line so you will need to review your construction. Apart from that I thoroughly enjoyed this poem: the rhyme and rhythm you created was very well done *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
to relate the things that the spirit is wondering
into a menagerie of concrete pondering
creating reality from within
- lovely word choices and gentle alliteration *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Only as listed above

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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523
523
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
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The Holding Pond  (E)
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#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
This is a fine example of Boonstra Brain Function Form with very good use of the prompt. You make it look easy, Khalish *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
I won't pick a line, as my favourite part was the whole tone of the poem. Your narrative managed to capture something dark and unsettling - the very essence of the emotions the photo prompt evoked in me. Very well written *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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524
524
Review of Masked Soul  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?
I thought this poem provided a great observational insight into the narrator's examination of her world. The use of rhyming couplets and a steady rhythm to your delivery really helped convey your meaning. Very well written *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
She knows that this world is fake,
Soulless parties, flesh and cake.
- simple is best, because it's usually the most potent. Your language choices here were especially well done *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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525
525
Review of Carol singing  
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?
Hi there *Smile* You requested an in-depth review from the Talent Pond. This story has all the hall marks of a classic ghost story, but I think you are targeting the wrong audience with the Mystery genre choice. There is a good story here: you have a beginning, middle and end. You also have created dramatic tension. Some time spent re-editing and proof reading will really enhance this story for your readers *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
Your descriptions of both characters and scene are very well done - you have a talent for narrative description. I also enjoyed the pace which you maintained well though out and your timing for drama *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
You may want to consider making your brief description a little more punchy:
"This year's rounds would be remembered to the grave...", or something to intrigue your prospective audience. You may also want to consider changing your rating to ASR, and adding further genre choices such as: supernatural, horror/scary, drama etc.

around 8PM since
around 8PM since {/quote - lower case for pm is more universal in use.

Inside their minibus, a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song. Behind them, two twins were looking out of the window. Towards the end, six boys from the Church School were discussing something.
- you may want to liven up your word use and structure to keep the attention of your reader. Perhaps:
Inside their minibus a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song, the twins were looking out of the window, and six boys from the Church School lounged over the back seats, offering their opinions about the greatest living soccer player.
I'm not saying use this, I'm just saying editing to cut out unnecessary words and looking to improve nouns which aren't earning their keep can really add punch.

and a broad shoulder
- broad shoulders

A guitar lay beside him....
- 3 periods in an elipsis

Everything went well, they didn't bother about time since they knew they'd have to sing past midnight.
- semi-colon instead of comma

relishing [ on ] every food

throats felt [ that ] they could use some

singing is [ that ], if the people in the house

"Ah[, ...] just one thing for you to remember[:] Mrs. Strauss is ...well[, ...] a bit unfriendly and she could go awfully short-tempered. So, all I wanna say is that mind what you do around her[.]"

I do wish someone will open the door",
- punctuation should occur inside the quotation marks. You should treat dialogue with the same grammatical rules as you would the surrounding text. There are numerous occasions where you miss out periods.

"Of course[,] she will and she

take care of the pitch!!"
- single exclamation mark

Well..now..what's your name?...er....where are you? I can't see a thing", said Mr. Moss.
Well,now. What's your name? Erm, where are you? I can't see a thing." Said Mr. Moss.


Meanwhile Jason muttered " Be seated. I'll bring something to eat" and left the room with a run.
"Be seated. I'll bring something to eat." Jason muttered, and ran from the room.


" Well...we'll take leave then". - " Well, we'll take leave then."


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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