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Acme Review
This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:
http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm
Overall Impressions
A beautiful and poignant trip down memory lane I thoroughly lost myself in your superb imagery. While you have a cracking grasp of punctuation, there are some areas where I felt a little lost in your construction.
Favourite Parts
we younger kids would gather around the freezer, each of us noisily insisting it was our turn to lick the paddles. We were especially anxious when juicy, tree-ripened peaches were added to the mix. wow! Ace imagery which engaged my senses Now I'm hungry ...
Suggestions
Slowly[,] I wandered past centuries-old, sandstone markers, their chiseled names and dates long weathered away. pop a comma after an interjection, eg, (well, oh, meanwhile, suddenly, of course, etc.)
How many times as a child I’d watched six burly farmers struggle, straining and panting, to carry the casket of a neighbor up those stairs. I may not have really understood your narrative voice here, as I was unsure if you were questioning or stating. If this is not a question, then I suggest you look for an alternative to 'how', in the sense you seem to have employed it here.
The plain interior of the building - always smelling of Old English Furniture Polish - had white walls with dark wooden altar, wainscoting, pews and floors.
If you have subordinate clause as additional information in the middle of a sentence, then use a comma on each end of it. If the additional information is unrelated to the main sentence, use parentheses. If you can restate the sentence with the middle bit missing, and it still means the same thing, then you know it needs commas. If it doesn't mean the same thing, then it shouldn't have commas.
Remembering my three-year-old self, sitting in the corner of the front pew - my mother playing piano, my father leading the singing - swinging my legs and periodically shouting 'Amen' just like I'd heard the grownups do. there is no real 'end' to this sentence. A sentence should reflect a complete thought.
Write on and take care! |