Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Interesting title
Description: I was given this advise a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: There are lots of lines that left me saying "What?" I didn't understand.
Conventions: Please go back and read each line word for word outloud. I think your brain went faster than your fingers could type, and there are some words left out.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: At first I thought it was a typo and you meant Utah... my mistake
Description: I was given this advise a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story. Metaphysics of creation, may not do it for a lot of readers.
Contents: This makes me wonder if it is the beginning of a science fiction novel, fantasy perhaps?
Where will this knowledge lead?
Conventions: one typo noted below
The idea that civilization is a system of systems, as it where, is a remarkable testament to the repetitive nature of the universe.>>> typo - were
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works well, in honor of your friend
Description: I am sorry for your loss.
Contents: You've written an impassioned piece that expresses your wonderful friendship, your friend's hardships in life, the last words- that were harsh and not the last note that you'd want if you had known what was coming, and the wake and emotions that have followed. You've packed so much in your piece. It flows from the heart of the writer and touches the heart of the reader
Thumbs up: For expressing the raw emotions
Conventions: you're > contraction for you are- you need your instead- two times first verse
You do have grammatical error, but I think its part of what makes the piece pop for me. If you are interested in making this piece 'correct' you might want to read it through sentence by sentence, aloud. I think you'll catch the slang, but its like I said, that's part of the power. Its totally your call.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I know those kind of Somedays
Description: I must admit, descriptions can make me feel overwhelmed... But, I was given this advise a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: A beautifully written stream of consciousness. I think most readers can identify with your piece. I know I can!
Thumbs up: for the hope that your ending brings to your piece. You know what you have to do to get through, its just a matter of doing it.
Conventions: no errors noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
What a beautiful love story from both sides of the grave. Very creative and it flows like a river touching the soul of the reader.
I only caught one sentence with a typo>
He favored silver and turquoise jewelry in a neclace and bracelts> typo necklace, bracelet
easy fixes. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story.
Amay
Humor and a point to boot. What an inspirational read, and such an important message. It fits in with your stories so well.
The details, and action is perfect. I've had dogs like Chase. That would have been a perfect name.
My first dog was Fiesty. She was a small dog and would lay on the chair while our canary would take his bath. One day, Jake got loose, and poor Fiesty was just sitting there minding her own business, and the dumb bird flew right into her mouth. She just sat there, she didn't bite down, but you could tell she wasn't happy. Jake didn't make it, after all, he was a dumb bird.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works
Description: I was given this advise a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: You've really written a lovely positive love poem, that moves to a darker place in the last two stanzas. Interesting contrast.
Conventions: no errors noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works well
Description: I was given this advise a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Such a sad story that happens so much. At first when you said long sleeves and pant, perhaps there was a religious reason. It broke my heart that it was an abusive parent and other family members.
Thumbs up: the pov sticking with the innocent child even through the last lines..
Conventions: none noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well
Description: You've given the reader a hook, draw the little readers into your port with bait like this!
Contents: I am sorry for your loss. It is amazing what thoughts are brought up in times of such sorrow.
I know when my aunt passed, sitting in the funeral pondering why she lived the life she lived. Basically she cut the family off, went her own way. When asked, there wasn't anything for me to say. I loved her dearly, but I let her put the wall up and out of frustration with her- I fortified it even more.
Your memories of your grandfather will be so special. Journal them, write the bits and pieces down. You'll be surprised at what you remember when you start to write and close your eyes transporting your self to that warm and wonderful memory.
Thumbs up: For sharing a precious moment in time, a memory that had more meaning than a young child could imagine.
Conventions: none noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Fits well with your piece
Description: I get that this is a stream of consciousness when I read your description, I hope you don't mind that I tried to pull it together...
Contents: A stream of consciousness that I can just bet it felt good to get off of your chest. There is a sense of honesty in the tone, and frustration is palpable to the reader. I'm sure I'd be pretty pissed from the information I gleaned from reading.
Thumbs up: You've written from the heart a very powerful and honest portrayal of an emotional state.
Conventions:
For the past couple of days you tell me all this stuff that you know i want to hear then tonight when a conflicts starts with your boyfriend you sit there and ignore me how can you say you are a real man and not a player. >>>> Slow down- take a breath-
the I needs to be a capital
after hear, put a period
comma after boyfriend
period after me.
question mark at the end of that part.
All i see is a player, a fake, a liar, and not a real man >>period here.
You could at least tell me what the f*** i did, but no you just ignore me >> cap. I and a period at the end.
I had a good life with someone I loved but I broke up with them, because I thought you were different, >> change comma to period
I guess I am the fool in this not you for even believing you. >> you could leave out -not you- in this sentence-
I was ready to settle down with you after only knowing you a couple days because you told me all these great things about you and we had so much in common. >> two sentences-
you can leave out -only- and leave out the -because-
Instead you crushed me>>> period here
now I know not to trust anyone ever again, cap and period for this sentence
it hurts more that I was lied to then the fact that I am getting the cold shoulder from you. >>>> What about--- The cold shoulder doesn't hurt as much as the fact that you lied to me. ?? How does that sound?
I am not one of those guys who beg a man back or threaten to kill himself from being hurt; >> Go ahead and put a period here
I have more respect of myself then to even think about doing that. >> than, not then
((((I have tried in the past but I am better than that,>>> read this section and leave this part out- I think its more powerful and to the point without this sentence))) if we don't become anything then hey I guess I had fun talking with you, but I am going to move on and find someone who wants me.
((((A man who doesn't lie and come up with all these stories and things like you have done>> read without this part- I think it detracts from your point)))) you are a great guy in your own way but I can't wait forever for you, either make up your mind now or say good-bye.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
I'd be happy to 're-review' your piece if you choose to edit it further.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Interesting title for your piece
Description: I question if it is a metaphor for sleep or dreams?
Contents: Your metaphor is filled with imagery that paints a beautiful visual painting for your piece. The descriptions are detailed, and take the reader along with with the writer on a trip through the oceans with the bottle and dream safely tucked inside.
Thumbs up: Bobbing and skimming the churning waves, it is carried by a mysterious and ever-changing current, meandering through the great undulations and rivulets with no particular route or destination. >> This part just flows so easily, nice job
Conventions: I didn't notice anything glaring.... I think you could have left off the 6 words of your last sentenece and it would have more impact.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well with your poem
Description: LOVE IT! -- add the 't' to I won' - there are many people on WDC that will not open a piece that have errors in the description. They expect the same care you put into your writing, in your description.
Contents: I love how your poem starts with the negative, and builds through the positive. Very uplifting!
Thumbs up:
Enjoy a guilty pleasure-
Enjoy a blessed friend-
And live ALIVE each fleeing day-
Like it will never end.>>> Amen and amen!
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well
Description: Works well
Contents: This is a really nice tribute to your brother. I hope you'll be able to find your sense of family and friendship once again.
Thumbs up: That I am proud to call you my brother.
Conventions: I'm not sure where you live, realise ? or realize (US), it does create interesting editing.
I was given some advise when I first joined WDC, and it must have been pretty good, because I'm still doing it over a year later. Back to the point-- read each sentence aloud, slowly. The kicker- read it as you typed it, not as what you think you typed. That little step is such a good way to figure out where commas naturally fall in your writing.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works well
Description: nicely written. This is where you sell you piece, grab your audiences attention so they'll open your piece. Don't forget the importance of this short little section.
Contents: What a delightful piece. Your opening descriptions delight the reader's eye. I'm actually surprised I read the whole thing and didn't sneeze! Your use of imagery, will capture your readers imagination as they ponder your thoughts, and realizations. You may open some eyes with your words.
Thumbs up: hard to pick one-- there are so many-- A scream, screech and boom rumble outside, and I see the ants scatter away from a rising cloud of black.- I love the noisiness of this line!
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works with your poem
Description: works with your poem
Contents: This is almost like a stream of consciousness piece. Your words and your passions creates images that haunt the reader. Powerful emotions, running throughout the piece, conflicted emotions, that leave a young person not knowing what are truly viable options.
Thumbs up:He means the world to me
Everything I do is for him
He is my world>>> powerful- but don't put your hopes and dreams on someone else. You build your hopes and dreams. Look beyond the today, dream, write, invent, create who and what you will be. Everything is within you, and you have a talent and a power to explore in your writing.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works with poem
Description: works with poem
Contents: You've developed an interesting concept, that I'm sure any woman that has gained or lost large quantities of weight can relate to easily. Or those of us that suddenly wake up to find a head full of gray hair. We often don't see what is really in the mirror. We carry the images from days gone by with us, no matter what. Being able to accept ourselves for the reality that is, not the reality in our memory is a hard lesson to learn.
Thumbs up: Glancing at the mirror for a second
I heard my sense of self fall to the floor
My nose, my proud nose
Became level with truth
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well with your poem
Description: This is a suggestion- try reading your description without the first sentence, just the second sentence. What do you think? Would leaving the first sentence out entice someone to come into your port to read your poem? This is your time to 'hook' a reader, so what ever you decide is best is what you should do.
Contents: When reading this poem, the reader has the opportunity to sit and feel the paranoia growing within the poem. It flows so beautifully when read aloud. I don't know if you've thought of putting in commas where you want the reader to pause, or maybe space breaks to give the reader more direction- that too, is your decision.
Thumbs up: I love the feelings you call upon the reader to imagine. Your imagery is wonderfully developed.
Conventions: nothing glaring noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
My heart ached for 'Bumble Boy' when tormented by his father and brother. It rejoiced when his mother found the strength to stand up for her son in defiance of her mate. It broke for his brother when the realization of his actions caused such a horrific accident. It wept for him, and the loss of music.
Oh my, what a touching piece. I really enjoyed the depth of emotions you created for me to feel as I read.
I'll leave the grammar and punctuation editing to someone else with more talent in that area. It really has to be glaring for me to notice anything. (Winnie would be a good person to ask to review it for that).
Thank you for sharing. I was riveted to the screen reading this story. I can easily see it being used in anti- bullying sessions. Your talent shines through this entire piece.
An interesting poem loaded with information that may or may not be known to many. I like the way you've brought the 'river-horse' to life without telling exactly what the animal is by its common name.
You've spawned an idea, that my students may like to play with when they present their research on animals. It might add some creativity for those little ones that are terrified to write.
This is an interesting piece. I've read it a couple of times and I'm really thinking, I don't know that I ever read Clockwork Orange. I remember the movie coming out- years ago. It certainly wasn't on the allowed list. Haven't thought about it in ages. Maybe I'll check it out.
At thirteen, I think you've written something you could be proud of. Keep writing. I don't think you were messed up any more than any other puberty struck, teenaged poet. There's a lot of agnst in that time of life. The poetry tends to be dark.... I noticed that in my own kid's poetry at that age.
Keep writing. Keep trying new genres. Practice and experiences fill out the writing experience.
What a beautiful story, that brought a tear to my eye. The timeline of the family, briskly moved through the couple's life.
An amazingly devoted love story, the kind of love that people just don't seem to understand with the ease of divorce, and affairs.
The simplest of times, depicted through your tale, makes this reader yearn for those days again.
I didn't see any error, nor do I have any suggestions that would add to the beauty of your story.
Your illustrations really make the story pop to life.
I hope you have a wonderful day,
Amay
Your poem describes a situation that everyone has lived through. Some successfully, hope fulfilled, some not so much. Everyday, we walk on our journeys, hopefully making the world a better place and being supportive, and supported by those we love.
I have no suggestions, that would make your poem better. I think it is beautiful as it stands.
Thank you for sharing.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
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