What delightful lyrics. I would love to hear the melody that fills your head when you read these words.
This piece takes the reader on a fantastical journey into the wants and desires, the fulfillment of love.
It flows with ease and images created are delightful.
If you do have music that goes with this, you can post the complete work here on WDC.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Happy WDC Anniversary!
Your readers will be able to tell that there is a special relationship. It is almost like reading poetic prose.
A couple of easy fixes for you:
Lemon Pledge (cap)
Oh, how I loved you so. (comma)
Nice work.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Wow, what imagery, and power in your poem. You create a visual feast for the reader to get lost in. The opening so serene, yet poignant, the images in the water scene, the breathless embrace. Wow. you've packed a powerful poem into a little package.
I don't know of anything that I could even offer to suggest to make it better. It stands as a delightful piece.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Those were the days. Busy, absorbing, gathering information, a genuine love of learning new things. Not to mention wonderful naps. I think I've reached the age where I could enjoy naps again, if only I had time.
You've created a beautiful, lyrical poem about toddler-hood and the joys that it entails. Such a lighthearted and happy read.
I really don't know of anything that I would change or even suggest changing. The memories and joys that are evoked by reading your work is just right as it stands.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Happy WDC Anniversary!
I guess I understand this poem in the way it is intended.
I'm one that stands up, starts letter writing campaigns, fights for the underdog. My dad called it hard-hardheadedness, I just call it I'm my father's daughter. This apple didn't fall far from the tree.
I really enjoyed reading your poem tonight. It brought back some wonderful memories, and brought to mind some battles that I still have to fight.
I don't have any suggestions that would make your poem better, I think it stands upon its own merit.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Happy WDC Anniversary!
An interesting poem that can touch a wide audience of readers. Everyone has had times when they felt like the poem describes. The poem evokes great emotion, gives great visual images to take the reader along for the ride.
I really enjoyed it, with the exception of one line- and in conclusion- perhaps>> There is no illusion, and thus no confusion....
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Happy WDC Anniversary!
An interesting, entertaining poem that sounds so much like something I would do. I can be such a klutz.
Your poem flows well, and creates a vision of frustration and comedy in the poor person relaying their plight.
It has a nice rhythm and flows really well.
I can imagine kids listening to this poem and then illustrating it.
Suggestions? - I can't imagine changing anything. I love it's lightheartedness.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
What a delightful sensual tease! The imagery is titillating, creating vivid images in the reader's mind. The flow is delightful, as the poem flows with ease and builds in intensity.
Suggestions-- no, I can't think of one thing to add or anything that needs to be removed. It is beautiful just as it stands.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I love the title you've chosen
Description: Your description works well with your poem.
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your poem.
Contents: You've created a poem about the evening in the wild. Yet, somehow it seems so appropriate for this time of year as our family begins to prepare for the yearly camping trip. The sun sinks, we listen to the night magic, wonderful lyrical poem. Very nice imagery, and flow
Thumbs up: The night rules the world with its shroud.
Conventions: second line- scattered cloud- is missing the s for clouds
Suggestion, and please don't feel like you have to do it. I've read your poem several times, and I read it with your last stanza right after the first- then second and third.... It gives a little change but it lets the reader read what their going to hear in the night, before you go into what all is happening. Just a thought
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works with the story
Description: You've created a great hook. I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: An interesting beginning, from what was said in the piece. The unfathomable distress of the end of a marriage. The pace is brisk, visually stimulating. Jackie Collins should probably watch out for your style of writing. Nicely done
Thumbs up: It shattered with an explosion so violent that I was sure other people could hear it as it concussed and the waves radiated outward from my mind past my drums and out my ears. In the splinter of time it took to rip open an envelope marked with no return address, time started bubbling and wobbling for me. >> great beginning! really hooks your reader in, they want to know what is going on
Conventions: Please check with someone about the last paragraph- since it isn't direct quotes, shouldn't have quotes, but it feels like it needs them. I'm not sure what would be more appropriate.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Title: Works with story
Description: nice hook
Contents: The beginnings of a story of a poor gold fish that thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fish tank wall. So far, we've been introduced to the masters of the gold fish, Wensen, his untimely meeting of his love interest, that went belly up. Now he's decided that getting out of the bowl is what he's going to do. A very dangerous proposition for a fish.
Thumbs up for the scene with the little girl coming in with the new fish- very visual and age appropriate for a young child learning how to keep a pet.
Conventions: Nothing glared at me as being wrong.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Wolf-- I chose this because my youngest son is a wolf lover- the other son went to NC State- the Wolf pack-- well, you get the idea.
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: I like the imagery you're using. There are some places when things seem a little out of order- first stanza- gnash and howl, then search and sniff-- wouldn't he quietly search and seek first? If he's howling about the little rabbit will be out of there in a heart beat. There is nothing majorly wrong- just little things that could make it better--
I think it probably should be 'the wolf'-- since it is a specific wolf you're talking about
you have searched and looking in consecutive lines- kind of redundant
His pack was gone ----- but he survived, (I'd end the line with gone, add the last part as a new line
But he survived
on the hunt,
caught a scent,
followed the direction it went,
he found a rabbit ---
nice and plump,
ready to be chomped. >> what if you leave this one out, because I don't think the rabbit was ready to be chomped
He played with his game,
then went in for the kill
making the rabbit nice and lame.>>> I think you could leave this one out, too
Blood has been spilt tonight,
>>but do not be in a fright.>>> stick to the wolf and hunt
>> For it is only survival of which i speak
>>>and that my friends is not for the weak.
the wolf fully fed
went to lay down
and await the next night
where the fight,
for his survival
his life continues
You have to read and decide what you think is best. I am so far from a poet, but offer suggestions in hopes to help. Use what you'd like, forget the rest. I assure you I won't be offended.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I would disagree, but I'll get to that later
Description: You used the hook well. --
Contents: Your poem is about accepting you for who you are, not the appearances, not the perceptions, the reality of you,
Thumbs up: "You are seeing more than I am.
You see a piece of heaven,
an angel with a silken wing." One of several powerful images you write....
Conventions: none noted
OK back to why I disagree with your title... I see you as a poet, with talent. Develop your gifts, because it sounds like someone else might be seeing them too.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Fits with the repetition of your poem
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your poem. Also, make sure your spelling is correct. There are some reviewers that won't open a piece if there are errors in the description.
Contents: You've written a free form poem about the loss of love, that uses repetition of the question to lead the reader along.
Conventions:
A day ago without (one word) a call, I (capitalize the pronoun I) wonder why?
spelling- once, you're not here,
The last I wonder why could be on a line by itself.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: It was indeed a brief thought
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your piece.
Contents: So if this is about you, which it could be, what are you going to do about it. You recognize a behavior that you apparently don't like, seek help from a professional, a minister, a friend. Put yourself in postitions where you'll have to interact and grow into the person you wish to be.
Thumbs up: Written with an aire of honesty that is believeable
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Happy WDC Anniversary! Well, Day 6 of the Birthday Celebration for Anniversary reviews.
What a beautiful poem. We walk each day, not really knowing what each other is going through. Remembering back 20+ years ago, this would have been so special as we walked through cancer with our youngest son. I stand amazed each day at his healing.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Fear is such a terrible demon. You can't put into words what is wrong, but in your heart, you know it isn't normal. The desire to be at ease in a situation, the desire to be able to do what other's find so easy to do can just cause some to freeze.
This hits so close to home. Fear has created a prison for my mother. Terrified of doing something wrong, terrified of answering the phone. Just getting her to go out to eat can be a chore.
Your writing is strong, and really makes an impact. Where will this piece lead you?
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Interesting free verse. When I read it, a picture formed in my mind's eye. Someone standing at a cliff, the wind whipping around them, falling as a hang glider, lifted by the strength of the wind to become the observer... Powerfully written.
I'll challenge you to continue, your free verse, or use it as a stepping stone to something else.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
A passionate plea for the unfortunate people that inhabit our planet. I live in a country that has so much, and truly we're not thankful for the blessings we've received. It makes a person wonder what is the world coming to.
typo- received-- my fingers hate that word! I always have to go back and make sure I have it right.
>Not See< caps in the middle of a statement? and in the next line, the first word isn't cap. but all the others are.
someone's selfishness
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Glad you got the time off.
Suggestions- take if you wish, discard if you wish-
>>and our desks don’t even have a decent view. you can leave out the word 'and' it reads a little smoother.
>>hoping for a signal, so we can barge,>>> you don't really need the comma you could add 'all' infront of barge
to his desk to get that VTO*,
>>and with every second that passes, more grimacing. >>> there's more grimacing
>>the anger becomes clear on my face
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Interesting blog. I knew you could link to other things outside of WDC, I'm just learning how to link to things within WDC. I guess I'm still in the dark ages of technology.
That was some massive damage to the house, you pictured in your blog. I do hope no one was hurt. The home can be repaired, living beings can't.
Keep writing, you have an interesting style,and genre.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
A very powerful poem. Vivid in detail.
It flows with ease, and with a disturbing vision of the prisoner
The reader can feel the building angst within.
The only thing I caught was the change from first person to third toward the end.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Oh the memories of Friday night football. Hate to say it, but neither of my kids enjoyed it half as much as I did. I guess being the losing team, just didn't make it much of a draw for them. I can't way for the fall. It's still so hot here.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: It will come, I know
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: keep working on your beginning- grab your readers attention, maybe start with the scream, its up to you
Conventions: landscape doesn't have to be a cap.
disappearing- sp.
and some of their contest entries for the voice that you're going to need. I've enjoyed some of the stories there. It might help.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
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