I love haikus. It is one of the first forms of poetry that I teach to my students. What better way to reinforce what a syllable is and create something beautiful in the process.
While traditional haikus deal with nature, yours deals with a more adult form of nature, that I hope my kiddies won't think about for many many years.
A delightful way to think of someone special, and let them know how much they truly mean to you.
Have a great day and thank you for sharing
Happy WDC Anniversary year for the Birthday Celebration!
Your title and description drew me right into your port. My son got married last December. One of the bridesmaids created their wedding cake. At the rehearsal she was so upset, her father bumped one of the fondant covered sides of the tiers and it wasn't beautiful in her eyes anymore. The bride was gracious, telling her not to worry, it was going to get eaten anyway, being the wonderful girl that she is.
I went into the reception expecting a huge dent, or something awful. I searched and searched. It was really beautiful, with one little, tiny hard to even find bend in the fondant ribbon at the bottom tier. Bless Jen's heart, she was so worried over truly nothing.
Have you ever watched the Challenge show on the Food Network-- the five foot tall cakes immediately filled my mind when I read your limerick.
Very creatively done. What a memory jogger!
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
I love going back and reading and re-reading pieces written in the day. Sometimes it triggers the memories of what brought that particular piece about, sometime it jogs a memory (hopefully, a good one).
This piece brought back memories from 22 years ago. The only reason I remember how long ago it was is because I was pregnant. We had a writing workshop at school. Your words, brought back the lectures, the practice times, the dread of even attending that workshop. But your specific words- Just write- don't think! - it was like the mantra for one of the days. They were explaining stream of consciousness to us, and its place in the classroom. Wow, what a vivid memory. I can even remember the smell of the musty books in the library, while I was sitting there writing, This is so stupid. My feet are so swollen. lol, Those were the days!
Just so you know, it's been that kind of day. You know the kind, one where you sit down to do a review and end up standing up and cheering somebody on... with a resounding 'you tell 'em, boy.'
I read the green paragraph and I honestly wanted to smack the person. This is truly the best site that I've ever been involved with. Since joining, I've been invited to join two groups. I participate as much as my schedule will allow.
This summer was just awesome. I had time to review, enjoy other people's writing, and just write my butt off (well looking at it, I sat too much- it's still there).
Your piece is honest, forth right and totally on target. The number of services this site provides for free greatly out numbers any other site I've ever been a part of and I'm totally endebted to you and the mistress for all of your efforts with WDC.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title:
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Thumbs up: You're right in your description- it is whimsical and it did make me smile. It also made me think of my grandfather that used to ask questions like that all the time.
Conventions: "Kind sir, ... needs a capital Kand a comma after sir
I then>> needs to go to the next line
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: There are lots of poems here on WDC, I hope you can find the title to yours soon.
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Interesting poem with lots of illusions, and vivid emotional descriptions. Nicely written
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I hope you can find the words you want to title this, it is powerfully, and well written.
Description: Your description works for what you've written, but I'll go ahead and give you this advice for other works. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your piece.
Contents: You've summed up a life time of indifference into a short piece that gives your feelings about a situation. You've stated your mind, concisely with examples to illustrate each point. You're probably right with your ending. The point, while illusive to you at the moment, will come to you. I can see it. You've released a lot and it isn't necessarily anything that you really want to confront someone else with. This was for you.
Thumbs up for stating your case without losing your dignity.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works well with your poem
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your piece.
Contents: Depression is a dark place for the victim and those around that don't understand.
Thumbs up for giving a voice to what is causing the pain
Conventions: people's spirits or peoples' depending on if you mean one person or more
You might need to bump up your rating due to the word s***.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works well with your poem
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents:your poem flows, and it builds through the piece. the capital I's are my pet peeve.
Thumbs up: I cannot be something I won't be--- how many people never stand up to be who they really want to be, always pleasing others
Conventions:they're void of power
capitalize the word I
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Nicely titled
Description: You've hooked the reader with your description- well done. I know there are times when the description is a real struggle for me.
Contents: A sad story, with an equally sad ending. I could see this opening up to Danielle finding herself and karma giving her ex. a little kick in the pants.
Thumbs up: vivid descriptions, brisk pace, tightly written
Conventions: none noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title:very appropriate
Description: The main character does fall in love with Loneliness in your piece, with all of the beautiful descriptions running throughout your piece, I was hoping for something more. I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Your descriptions are so vivid, similies and metaphors add so much to your piece. I loved it, up to the last three sentences. Then I kind of went... say what? where did that come from? Interesting twist.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Contents: Why is it, those navels make such a great lint trap?
Thumbs up: I love the flow, and meter of your poem. It is light and airy...
Conventions: nothing noticed
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
A stream of consciousness about lieing to yourself.
Your thoughts seem to be floating around the surface of the issue.
Lieing to yourself, is a protection mechanism in some instances, that is true. Or, envisioning your own reality, which is by perception alone, in your own head.
Conventions: Capitalization of beginning words in sentences. Capitals for all of the word I.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
A dark poem for a dark time, full of emotional drama from a floundering relationship. Endings can be such a release, but there's a lot of grief that comes in the process. You've captured the baser emotions within your poem and presented them with powerful words.
Your poem flows as lyrics, even the use of slang helps that flow.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
What an interesting and vivid poem you've written. the reader can easily see the images you've presented. I'm sitting here trying to remember the name of a movie flashed into my memory when I read your poem, but it escapes me. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the Druids. I know I'll think of it later.
Dancing, Twirling, Jumping
Under the full moonlight
Rays illuminating the oak grove >> I love how you have this separated from the second part, it gives the reader the opportunity to set the stage in their mind's eye.
The flow of your poem is just lovely.
I cannot imagine adding or taking anything away from this piece. It is a beautiful poem.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Amay
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title:
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: What a heart wrenching story! I really enjoyed it. You could feel Jamie's excitement building through the first part of the story. The reader's compassion grows for Jamie as we read about her life experiences to that day. Then when she gets home the bottom falls out from under her, with her little foster brother's accident. The final blow is when she learns of the death of the young child. How difficult Christmas's will be for this character.
Thumbs up for creating a story that touches the heart-
Conventions: Spelling or typos
casually, road, Tomorrow's, presents, aisle,....
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Nice snippet
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Interesting snippet to the beginning of a longer piece. Keep working on it, developing your characters and plot lines. I'll be happy to read and review again when you're done.
Conventions: I'm going to give you the same advise I was given as a newbie here on WDC. Read each sentence aloud. Stop, think about it. Is it tight? Did I get my fingers tangled up and on the wrong keys? Seriously, I have found that going back and reading something- sentence by sentence really helps me catch little errors. Then, go back and read the whole thing as the story you want people to read.
cloak and hidden face features-> what about -- and face hidden from the rain
hsi right arm is a wooden cot, -> his wooden cot here and later it's a basket..
protecting it’s contents-> its
amist through -> amist or through, you don't need both
walking until he reactes ->> reaches
heavily hollowly-> heavily or hollowly - you don't need both
he asks in question>> in a question is redundant
we need is a mouth to feed>> another mouth to feed?
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works with your experience
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story. Another piece of advise- make sure you have everything spelled and puncutated correctly in your description. Some people will jump to the conclusion if there is an error in the description, the piece won't be worth their time.
Contents: You've written about a brief snapshot in your life. A truly heart breaking scene is unfolding in front of the reader. Please continue your story, what happened to this broken hearted woman? How will this situation be resolved?
Thumbs up: For putting your thoughts on the paper, as it were. Keep writing. This is a supportive site where most members want to help fellow writers grow in their craft.
Conventions: Most of these are easy fixes-
calicut to kannur (capitalize the C and K)
shortly on platform no.1 , (number one) (period after the one)
platform (no space)
there is a littile bit rain ,and a gentle breeze. (capitalize T, little bit of rain)
(New paragraph)I saw her at the end of the platform and she looks vey tired (looked very tired).
( I) gently moved towards her and asked what (had) happened ?
(same paragraph-> capitalize the T) tears came from her eyes and (she) looked at me. (I) i repeated the question, <-period
"shiva i can not live without you ,what can i do with out you?" she answerd ->Shiva, without answered
T-> that question pierced my heart.
I-> i replied " (S) swetha be practical, <-(period-- capital I) --> it is life and i always thought about future, i had any jobs yet and currently i am very weak to protect you" ( I don't have a job yet? maybe?)
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: interesting, but at this point in your story it is hard to say how it fits altogether.
Description: I'll go ahead and show my ignorance-- what does M/M YAOI mean?
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: you have a lot of action, dialogue, but you've created characters that already seem viable. Keep working on your story, like I've seen you're doing.
Thumbs up: great pacing, intrigue already in the first chapter.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
The rating seems about right to me so far
Title: Title works so far
Description: I'm sure you'll be writing and editing on this for a while. I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: An interesting story, but your parenthesis comments stop the flow of your story. If these are areas that you want to punch up, when you finish that section take them out. After all, the story is about the characters and their lives, not really about you.
Thumbs up for starting and adventurous project.
Conventions:
When using dialogue- each person's dialogue starts a new paragraph. So your first paragraph is actually several, since it's mostly dialogue.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I'm sure that where I live is the reason I really don't understand the title
Description: Complaint letter does sum it up
Contents: You've written a rambling letter that is in need of some trimming. Lay out your points,
First: What was the issue? Start there. Miss Vivian was helpful in resolving the issue. What did she do exactly? Share your appreciation for her assistance in handling the matter and sum it up by telling them that the matter is water under the bridge, taken care of and won't affect your future business with that company.
Don't belabor your opinions. Stick to the topic of the letter.
Thumbs up:I thank you in advance for accommodating my appeal to settle my traffic compound and in reciprocation, I hope to be accorded a chance for me to do lip service in telling my business associates, colleagues, friends and family about your kind contribution towards account of my traffic compound and encourage them to try out your workshop services.
>> This is key in keeping the lines of communication open. But>> put a period after the first compound, leave out> leave out the > and in recriprocation- and start the next sentence with something like- I will encourage my friends and colleagues to use your services if they should ever need them.
Conventions: Watch the wordiness. Stick to the point.
It was a brilliant act of goodwill and professional gesture manifested on your part to get your staff Miss Vivian to ring me personally make a personal telephone call on me by telephone in having your staff to call on me by phone personally to better understand and find the root of my complaint.
>> it sounds like you've tried to edit, but haven't read this again to see if it makes sense>>>
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
I read your bio. and don't want to say 'wow' but dag gum.
WOW.
This is a beautifully structured poem that comes from the heart. It flows and leads the reader along a path of delightful memories that conjure up memories of their own.
I'm not blowing air up you know where. This is great! I hope you continue to enjoy working here on WDC.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works for your poem
Description: A nice hook. I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Youve created a quite a story through your poem. The reader can empathize with the narrator, and understand the dreams of the if only's.
Thumbs up for a great beginning stanza, it sets the tone for your piece.
Conventions: Minor typos such as:
Or would it seem like i am nothing at all>> I
These days won't seem too long>> wouldn't
Watch out for passive verbs, was are mean your telling not showing. Sometimes its just a matter of taking the passive verb out and maybe a word or two swapping.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Hi Sara, It is nice to meet you. I'm Amay, and honestly don't remember too much about being 17 anymore myself, but lived through it again with my two sons, and come to think about it, my daughter in law is only two years older than you. Enjoy your youth!
Title:Works well with your poem.
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: A lyrical poem about first love. First love is so potent, that is true. Your poem flows with ease. Honestly, I could see this worked into the lyrics of a song. Nicely done.
Thumbs up: "But baby I'll....
I'll love forever and a day
I could never find some one I could love this way
And I know for sure that you are the one
No matter how much we aren't the same
I'll love you forever and a day" >> you've captured that feeling of excitement, and passion- nicely done
Conventions: easy fixes-
We could be so diffrent >> different
And what you love I hat it too>> hate
I;ll keep going on only if you are with me>> I'll
But you are hopless romantic>> hopeless or hapless?
got to be optemistic>> optimistic
There are some places, where there is a natural pause. I'm not sure if you want to put a comma in to let the reader know to take a beat. Here's one example:
If you want to go left I want to go right>> you could put a comma after left
If I choose the day you'll go with the night>>> you could put a comma after day. That's up to you, poetry and punctuation is so personal.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well
Description: Inaccurately described (see conventions)
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents:A vampire story in the beginning stages, I think the reader needs some back story before they hop up on the desk. The erotica seems to jump from place to place rather quickly, slow down the action, make sure the action makes sense to the reader.
Conventions: An abstract is short- a synopsis of a complete work. In fact, one paragraph and less than 250 words. Could this be a prologue?
A couple of hints to make it easier for your reader- put a space between paragraphs.
You definitely need to up your rating to a higher level, and add erotica as a descriptor probably instead of love/ romance.
there are a number of places you put commas and the next word is capitalized- is it supposed to be a period, or small letter? It could be either depending on what you're saying at the time.
alto-pilot- typo - auto
stele - typo- stale
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
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