Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title:
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: What a heart wrenching story! I really enjoyed it. You could feel Jamie's excitement building through the first part of the story. The reader's compassion grows for Jamie as we read about her life experiences to that day. Then when she gets home the bottom falls out from under her, with her little foster brother's accident. The final blow is when she learns of the death of the young child. How difficult Christmas's will be for this character.
Thumbs up for creating a story that touches the heart-
Conventions: Spelling or typos
casually, road, Tomorrow's, presents, aisle,....
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Nice snippet
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Interesting snippet to the beginning of a longer piece. Keep working on it, developing your characters and plot lines. I'll be happy to read and review again when you're done.
Conventions: I'm going to give you the same advise I was given as a newbie here on WDC. Read each sentence aloud. Stop, think about it. Is it tight? Did I get my fingers tangled up and on the wrong keys? Seriously, I have found that going back and reading something- sentence by sentence really helps me catch little errors. Then, go back and read the whole thing as the story you want people to read.
cloak and hidden face features-> what about -- and face hidden from the rain
hsi right arm is a wooden cot, -> his wooden cot here and later it's a basket..
protecting it’s contents-> its
amist through -> amist or through, you don't need both
walking until he reactes ->> reaches
heavily hollowly-> heavily or hollowly - you don't need both
he asks in question>> in a question is redundant
we need is a mouth to feed>> another mouth to feed?
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works with your experience
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story. Another piece of advise- make sure you have everything spelled and puncutated correctly in your description. Some people will jump to the conclusion if there is an error in the description, the piece won't be worth their time.
Contents: You've written about a brief snapshot in your life. A truly heart breaking scene is unfolding in front of the reader. Please continue your story, what happened to this broken hearted woman? How will this situation be resolved?
Thumbs up: For putting your thoughts on the paper, as it were. Keep writing. This is a supportive site where most members want to help fellow writers grow in their craft.
Conventions: Most of these are easy fixes-
calicut to kannur (capitalize the C and K)
shortly on platform no.1 , (number one) (period after the one)
platform (no space)
there is a littile bit rain ,and a gentle breeze. (capitalize T, little bit of rain)
(New paragraph)I saw her at the end of the platform and she looks vey tired (looked very tired).
( I) gently moved towards her and asked what (had) happened ?
(same paragraph-> capitalize the T) tears came from her eyes and (she) looked at me. (I) i repeated the question, <-period
"shiva i can not live without you ,what can i do with out you?" she answerd ->Shiva, without answered
T-> that question pierced my heart.
I-> i replied " (S) swetha be practical, <-(period-- capital I) --> it is life and i always thought about future, i had any jobs yet and currently i am very weak to protect you" ( I don't have a job yet? maybe?)
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: interesting, but at this point in your story it is hard to say how it fits altogether.
Description: I'll go ahead and show my ignorance-- what does M/M YAOI mean?
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: you have a lot of action, dialogue, but you've created characters that already seem viable. Keep working on your story, like I've seen you're doing.
Thumbs up: great pacing, intrigue already in the first chapter.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
The rating seems about right to me so far
Title: Title works so far
Description: I'm sure you'll be writing and editing on this for a while. I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: An interesting story, but your parenthesis comments stop the flow of your story. If these are areas that you want to punch up, when you finish that section take them out. After all, the story is about the characters and their lives, not really about you.
Thumbs up for starting and adventurous project.
Conventions:
When using dialogue- each person's dialogue starts a new paragraph. So your first paragraph is actually several, since it's mostly dialogue.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I'm sure that where I live is the reason I really don't understand the title
Description: Complaint letter does sum it up
Contents: You've written a rambling letter that is in need of some trimming. Lay out your points,
First: What was the issue? Start there. Miss Vivian was helpful in resolving the issue. What did she do exactly? Share your appreciation for her assistance in handling the matter and sum it up by telling them that the matter is water under the bridge, taken care of and won't affect your future business with that company.
Don't belabor your opinions. Stick to the topic of the letter.
Thumbs up:I thank you in advance for accommodating my appeal to settle my traffic compound and in reciprocation, I hope to be accorded a chance for me to do lip service in telling my business associates, colleagues, friends and family about your kind contribution towards account of my traffic compound and encourage them to try out your workshop services.
>> This is key in keeping the lines of communication open. But>> put a period after the first compound, leave out> leave out the > and in recriprocation- and start the next sentence with something like- I will encourage my friends and colleagues to use your services if they should ever need them.
Conventions: Watch the wordiness. Stick to the point.
It was a brilliant act of goodwill and professional gesture manifested on your part to get your staff Miss Vivian to ring me personally make a personal telephone call on me by telephone in having your staff to call on me by phone personally to better understand and find the root of my complaint.
>> it sounds like you've tried to edit, but haven't read this again to see if it makes sense>>>
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
I read your bio. and don't want to say 'wow' but dag gum.
WOW.
This is a beautifully structured poem that comes from the heart. It flows and leads the reader along a path of delightful memories that conjure up memories of their own.
I'm not blowing air up you know where. This is great! I hope you continue to enjoy working here on WDC.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works for your poem
Description: A nice hook. I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Youve created a quite a story through your poem. The reader can empathize with the narrator, and understand the dreams of the if only's.
Thumbs up for a great beginning stanza, it sets the tone for your piece.
Conventions: Minor typos such as:
Or would it seem like i am nothing at all>> I
These days won't seem too long>> wouldn't
Watch out for passive verbs, was are mean your telling not showing. Sometimes its just a matter of taking the passive verb out and maybe a word or two swapping.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Hi Sara, It is nice to meet you. I'm Amay, and honestly don't remember too much about being 17 anymore myself, but lived through it again with my two sons, and come to think about it, my daughter in law is only two years older than you. Enjoy your youth!
Title:Works well with your poem.
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: A lyrical poem about first love. First love is so potent, that is true. Your poem flows with ease. Honestly, I could see this worked into the lyrics of a song. Nicely done.
Thumbs up: "But baby I'll....
I'll love forever and a day
I could never find some one I could love this way
And I know for sure that you are the one
No matter how much we aren't the same
I'll love you forever and a day" >> you've captured that feeling of excitement, and passion- nicely done
Conventions: easy fixes-
We could be so diffrent >> different
And what you love I hat it too>> hate
I;ll keep going on only if you are with me>> I'll
But you are hopless romantic>> hopeless or hapless?
got to be optemistic>> optimistic
There are some places, where there is a natural pause. I'm not sure if you want to put a comma in to let the reader know to take a beat. Here's one example:
If you want to go left I want to go right>> you could put a comma after left
If I choose the day you'll go with the night>>> you could put a comma after day. That's up to you, poetry and punctuation is so personal.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well
Description: Inaccurately described (see conventions)
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents:A vampire story in the beginning stages, I think the reader needs some back story before they hop up on the desk. The erotica seems to jump from place to place rather quickly, slow down the action, make sure the action makes sense to the reader.
Conventions: An abstract is short- a synopsis of a complete work. In fact, one paragraph and less than 250 words. Could this be a prologue?
A couple of hints to make it easier for your reader- put a space between paragraphs.
You definitely need to up your rating to a higher level, and add erotica as a descriptor probably instead of love/ romance.
there are a number of places you put commas and the next word is capitalized- is it supposed to be a period, or small letter? It could be either depending on what you're saying at the time.
alto-pilot- typo - auto
stele - typo- stale
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Interesting title. I have no idea what it means.
Description: There is a ton of dark poetry here on WDC. How are you going to grab your reader's attention?
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents:There is a total sense of hopelessness with the only possible relief as death? Holy cow. Job had more acceptance, and tolerance for his trials and tribulations. So much more than I could ever hope to have, btw.
Thumbs up: Your piece is tight, concise, flows well. It's just really, really dark.
Conventions: As free verse, I wouldn't change anything. I wonder what it would look like as a centered poem- but don't change anything if you don't want to.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: works well with your piece
Description: I like how your description follows the flow of your poem
(I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.)
Contents: A short lament of lost love. You've created a beautifully sad and solemn poem.
Thumbs up: Silent sentinels...
Stalwart bastions...
Standing cold in the night>> what a vision you've created! It flows so easily. Awesome job!
Conventions: No errors noted.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I know you think this isn't used a lot, but maybe it's because I'm old. I use it in my classroom all the time, with a big dose of Think before you speak.
Description: Your description fits your essay
Contents: I love the way you present your thoughts about words that hurt. I deal with kids, like I wrote earlier. I know they are great blurters, learning how to filter is a hard lesson for some of them. When you meet their parents, you know where they learned it from.
There are so many bullies that children have to learn to deal with these days, not only physically present, but on the internet, facebook, twitter. It is a scary world.
While my faith will sustain me, it is hard to help a child that is walking that walk figure out what to do, and how to deal with the mean-ness in the world these days.
I totally agree, a closer walk with God is needed by everyone these days.
Thumbs up: Speaking from your heart, and presenting honorable arguments for your position
Conventions: None noted, just a really big space between the end and your word count?
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: You've set your story up well
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: I can just see the events transpiring through your story step by step. It is relateable to a wide audience, because everyone has had one of those days in the check out line. I love getting behind the person with 30 items in the 10 or less,an nobody says anything (sarcasm intended)
You'll probably get some reviewers that will tell you show- not tell. But to me in this instance, telling the story of what happens worked well.
Thumbs up: The manager stayed by the cashier’s side as she unhappily scanned the items and everything. I stayed out of the way, kind of embarrassed about this hassle.>> sometimes you just have to accept things and move on.
Conventions: I didn't notice any errors
I hope your family has better results at 'No Frills' in the future, but alas, if that was the case, there would have been nothing for me to read tonight.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
I attended a Star Trek event in my hometown. It's hard to remember if I was in high school or early college, those days seem to run together, especially since I was still dating someone I'd been friends with in high school.
Gene Roddenberry was there, along with his wife. I don't remember a lot of the speeches, but I do remember seeing the pilot for the original Star Trek. I have a laugh with a fond rememberance when I see the old Star Trek and marvel at all of the technological advances films have made since then.
I'm so glad you shared this part of your life with the WDC family. It brought back some pretty wonderful memories of my own.
Amay
Your mom has given you a wonderful piece of advice. Sometimes it is a hard lesson to learn.
I keep notes posted around my monitor at work. The one I like best- "Life is a series of spontaneous changes. Do not resist them- that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." Lao Tzo
only thing I caught- potential argument -- arguments.
Insatiable has been what I've felt like this summer. Your acrostic flows, and your word choice adds to its meaning.
Very creative look at one of the hardest emotions and feelings to deal with.
I think the middle lines are the most identifiable for me.
Excellent read,
Thanks for sharing,
Amay
A feathered young friend, a fat man rescuer, the bad guy Micheal, an interesting premise.
How did Robert come into Micheal's possession? Where were Robert's parents?
I have many questions, but I'm not sure if you're wanting to add to this piece or just exploring an idea.
Very creative.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well with the story
Description: You've captured the point of writing a description. You've captured my attention, pulling me into your story to stop and read.
Contents: What a wonderful story, not in that the main character passed away, but the visual appeal, the memories stirred that you've brought back of my grandpa packing and smoking his pipe, and how mad he'd get at me making things out of his pipe cleaners. You've brought a smile to my face. Your little old man is described just like I remember my grandpa and I can just see him going and collecting souls for their journey home.
Thumbs up: For the sweet and precious memories you've brought to my mind today.
Conventions: I didn't see anything that I would suggest changing
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: but it doesn't seem to funny to me
Description: Doesn't really describe what you've written I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: I was hoping for a laugh, but this isn't funny at all. Nuclear winter, arms races, death, possible consequences. I feel like I've been swindled in a punked joke.
Conventions: no errors noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Yippee! Something uplifting! Happy! Cheery! I thought I'd found the depressed and forlorn WDC today.
Title: I love the title. Of course, there is sunlight outside my window and record breaking heat and humidity as well. I'll stay in the air conditioning.
Description: You have inspired me! Honestly!
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: This is an up beat, lively reading little poem that has made my afternoon!
Thumbs up: Illumintate success!
Conventions: none noted
If I were you, I would enter this in 'A Poem A Day Contest' today. The prompt is open, I think itchy would love it.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: My Heart, maybe?
Description: I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: Your poem is very relateable to many readers here on WDC. I think everyone has had at least one relationship that's gone wrong. The nice thing with your poem is you don't wallow in darkness and depression. You've decided to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on. My mother always said there are bigger and better fish in the ocean. You can't find them wallowing around in the puddles of your tears.
Thumbs up: Over time he’ll learn to love once more.
And on that day, there’ll be nothing to cry for.
Conventions:Stabbed heart, your clenching the knife.>> you're
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
A powerful emotional plea. Please take this the nice way, what you've written is wonderful. Not the situtation you portray, but your thoughtful way of writing about it. It's like telling someone you've done a wonderful job writing about something awful.
Title: Very fitting
Description: I like your description.
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: You've released a lot of pain in your piece. Situations that shouldn't happen between a mother and child. Writing is a valid outlet. One day, I hope you can find what you're looking for, but you've put the ball in her court.
Conventions: Your stream of consciousness is powerfully written. Go back and check for capital I's where they belong. You could break this into paragraphs which will help other readers.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: I see how the title relates, nicely done.
Description: I don't think I'd do this for my love either.
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: I can easily see this as a scene in a novel.
Conventions: Capital I, I'm
I want you to live your life to the fullest, because I love you.
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will enjoy the time you spend here sharing your work with others. I know I've learned a lot over the past year. It's nice to find a safe place to grow in your craft.
Title: Works well with your piece, you do have questions, nice
Description: While it's true that you've written a short paragraph, people will get that when they see your thoughts. It's very hard to come up with something creative when the work is short. an indescribable confusing emotion :love - -
I was given this advice a lot as a newbie- and not too long ago as well. This is where you hook your reader. I think it's the hardest part to do. You pour your heart and soul into your writing, then a 90 character blurb. This blurb is the cherry on top. Pique your reader's curiosity so they'll want to click on your story.
Contents: The more I read your piece, I'd like to suggest something- you think about it and do what you want. Would you consider writing this a sort of a free style poem, instead of a paragraph-
Love is indescribable
sometimes taken for granted
sometimes shown in different ways
etc.
Thumbs up: Creatively looking at love as what it is... totally confusing!
Conventions: no errors noted
Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart.
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