The concept of two people loving each equally is a good idea. I would suggest correcting the line "Never said your sorry" to "Never said you were sorry" or Never said you're sorry". Switch "I use to think a minute without you" to "I used to think a minute without you". I really enjoyed the line "thinking a minute without you would be a living hell But now I realize, none of it was true." It was a good twist at the end. My only suggestion would be add depth in the middle of the poem. You briefly mention about "pointing fingers" yet never go into detail about. You should. Overall, good job.
You did a good job at this poem. I think that instead of coming right out and saying the actions that occurred, you poetically weaved the words together like a patched quilt. It seems like a lustful poem, and I like the line "willful lips bleeding truth". It provokes the reader to question the intention of the relationship or if it is just a mere craving for affection.
I find it intriguing that such an "It" exists. But it does. I have that horrid "it" within me which relays the idea of a dark being in your essence that cannot go away no matter how hard you fight it off. However, I do not relate to how a monster and it can be two different entities. Meanwhile, I would say the it is a monster inside of you. Instead of saying, "the monster I have to cage and "it" unlocks it" maybe include that you are a your own monster. That "it" is not just an it but rather "it" is a monster.
I like the concept of the Black Beast, but I think it can be elaborated on a lot more. Th idea of a killer does not need an ! but rather more explanation on why it is so dramatic such as maybe adding about claws ripping through people's skin or such. . . .I like the part about the enemies of love and forgiveness. Good job.
This is a good piece, and I think that the black band is an interesting comment of how we seem to display our grief but then later disregard it by wearing a veil to shield ourselves from the pain of it all. Good job.
Yes. I can understand how you feel. It is a lot of pressure but think if you made it this far you can get by in the future. Anything good is worth fighting for. What you fight for is what you love. You can do it.
"I does matter . . "
it should be " I do matter" or "it does matter" . . .
also: "I woman who has never had any reason to end her life"
should be "A woman who has never had any reason to end her life"
maybe you can add to this and say how maybe "A woman who had gone through countless struggles such as a child dying and a beautiful woman that is one of God's angels on earth . . . How this one man can see through your tears and notice a girl lively and full of hope"
Maybe after the last line, "In the end it didn't matter." You can add a clincher - a line that makes them want to read more although the poem is done or maybe a line that really finishes it off like " In the end it didn't matter. Because they are at my funeral now."
It is a good piece. It shows that people can have remorse after a break up. Yet the way it is written I like because on one side of the story, the girl is at fault, with the guy as the victim. Yet, the other side shows a confused and derailed girl who does not know what she wants. Yet in the end she decides she wants what is no longer hers, a person she let slip from her fingers. Good job.
I think the idea is okay with mothers fathers and friends but I think you should elaborate more on each of them. Maybe, explain why they affect your choices, your relationship with the person, and your future.
This poem is well written. My favorite lines are "For life is the ultimate punishment . . .an amusement park for the Gods." Although one may think that this poem stands for no appreciation of life, I disagree. I think this poem describes how idiotic humans can be by making stupid decisions like drinking and driving, verbally and physically abusing someone, and not appreciating what we have. This poem demonstrates that life is far from pretty and beautiful. It is destructive and can destroy us all if we do not even pay any attention to our actions. It is a wake up call for us to not just sit around but to take action. "For death is the true birth we all seek" is a great line because it shows us that maybe we are not supposed to be happy in this world. Maybe, when we are no longer living, true happiness prevails, but it does mean that we must respect everyone else who has a different opinion. We still have to work hard and live up to expectations. Life is an expectation.
Overall, great job.
I think the beginning of this poem needs to be revised a bit. It seems a bit choppy. I think you can delete the part "The day you left my heart gone too it will always belong to you" because if you read the rest of the poem it will go from far too afraid to love again now to "I didn't mean to be so mean." Next, I want to ask, why are you the mean one if he was the one who cheated, embarrassed you, and made you feel bad? Yes, everyone has faults, but how you start off with didn't mean to sound so mean makes it sound like you are the reason you two didn't work: as if you did something terrible. From the looks of things, it appears the guy is a jerk to say the least for treating someone who actually cares that way. Overall, good job. I liked the lines "I'm now a corpse of my past life. My hand it drifts towards the knife" because it draws suspense in the poem and makes the reader think "oh my! now what will happen?" As advice to you, cutting will not help. Yes, it might stop the emotional pain but in the end you will become addicted to it, and it will become a habit you cannot break. If anything email me here and I will be more than happy to listen to you.
Wow. This is heartfelt. I can just imagine the daughter in this story being you, the author. I feel like she went through absolute hell. The parents prematurely married,and she was "caught in the middle". Yet, her life became a constant fight to please both of her parents. She remained loyal to them until the end. I give credit to the daughter because despite the crap she puts up with that she still loved them. Her mother, though she didn't show it, loved the daughter. Overall, excellent job with this. Yes, each of us can very well be a tortured soul until we die.
Teen age years suck. I did not experience bliss more like misery. Yet, I am surprised when it says to her parents she is a financial advisor, counselor, and Mediator??? Meaning her parents physically abused her to let their anger out???
Only thing I relate to is that at times it seems like the heart is black and that the world is against you. However, there has to be hope somewhere right?
You did a frat job with imagery like crushed lungs and screaming for help. I liked the repetitive: forgive this corpse because it made it nice to read. I would just suggest shortening some of the phrases: like you can omit - for keeping this corpse animated
aling with "Bip Bip"" Because you already mention how unalive the corpse is and bip means what exactly?
Just a suggestion. Anyways, you did a good job overall. I could relate to the feeling dead but alive at the same time. Good job.
Interesting piece and yes it's hard to imagine lying to yourself because if you lie to yourself, then what is your true identity? I would suggest expanding on this thought. Overall you did a good job. I would suggest adding to this with how it affects you everyday or how it affects others and people close to you.
I think you captured the emotions of longing and hurt very well . It kills inside to know the person you once loved is gone and away from your life. You just did an excellent job. Good imagery with fading away into the sunset.
This was amazing. Kenneth's emotions were raging, and it kept me hooked on it to the end. Every detail is precise, like why his marriage fell, what happened to his kids, and wonderful explanations for why he cheated on his wife. You truly showed the Depth of pain he had when Davvy died. Still cheating is never justified. It is not fair to the spouse. I really thought Kenneth was going to kill himself to make things right. However, things ssemmed to turn around near the end. I think he still might kill himself- an alternate ending or suspense I can see happening like instead of meeting his wife at home he kills himself. But I like the idea of him living too.
Overall, fantastic job.
Vacant cries of agony
I know the feeling, the pain, the horrible feeling to be betrayed. The worst part is when you are used to the feeling, the hopelessness, and everything bad in between. Your poem is really good because I can tell the amount of intense feeling that you had while writing this. Good job and I'm slays here if you want to talk about it.
I think this is a decent poem. It is a living hell having to experience voices especially ones that contradict each other and make it hard to function. I hope that if you do experience voices that they do leave you alone. Don't be afraid of what is left. You may feel violated, but there is always hope to recovering. Ugly is not a word to call oneself. I may use it too however I dislike the fact I do. How can one judge his or her own outside beauty?
It might not be the original meaning of this piece but with the words "Chemicals" and "settling for a cheap buzz" can give the poem a different meaning. I perceive it as a person who ruined his life due to alcohol or drugs and cannot experience the high of life anymore. However, I also see it as a poem about a girl who wishes to be free from the hastles of life and wanting to appreciate nature and the beauties of life.
Overall, good job.
The emotion behind the poem was powerful and heartfelt. To never have been loved, what a horrible thought. The most creative line was when you mentioned the soldiers in Iraq. This sends the message the character is beyond despair. I can't even imagine comparing life to a soldier. . . it is as if his world is destroyed and no happiness can be found. I, personally would love to just hug the person and truly be there for him since apparently noone else had. The poor guy . .. if it is about you i would like to offer friendship your way. . .
I am not sure if there should be a question mark after: And people say it'll be ok?
I think it does not need that question mark.
I like this piece because it questions someone's reliability to see if he/she would stay by your side in your moments of distress and times of despair. To call the price psychological scars is a good thing because it catches the readers' attention. Overall, good job.
This poem is interesting. I liked how you would describe the bridge of today compared to the one in the past. On a psychological level, it is as if the character's mind is fixated on the past to the point he does not see the reality. He hopes and dreams for something never achieved. The part about being a builder is one of building images upon images in his mind. The last part about being remembered is interesting because it is my belief that a person will be remembered if the person does something recognizable for a friend or for himself or the world.
Overall, good job.
This is true, especially the last line. The visioned shy away from all evil. They think they are above everyone, and that it does not matter who they hurt. No one matters but themselves. Someone may be pyschologically and physically hurt, but he is left on his own in the cruelest night. You describe mental agony and the image of dying in a body already alive. It makes sense. Someone is living and going through the motions on the outside, but on the inside he is torn apart and feels dead and motionless. The diction in this piece is great, especially these lines: "it crawls and it creeps, celebrates its destruction" and also "the thoughts of my romance once achieved are now raked in a pile and burned like they're leaves". It is descriptive and explains how past memories can affects one future.
The only part I did not understand was the part of not talking about fish.....
other than that:
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anaise