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76
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Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Elle - on hiatus ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I love this Christmas poem. This looks suspiciously like a Construct Cup poem with so many rules. Well done on adhering to these rules.

I like how you use all five senses within your poem to convey your image, and you have successfully created a crystal clear image of Christmas.

You use colours indicative of Christmas, along with the visual of tinsel and discarded ribbons to add to the scene you create.

You make great use of traditional Christmassy flavours and smells in your second stanza to enhance the visual created by your poem. I can't remember a Christmas when my kitchen didn't smell of cinnamon and anise and alcohol-soaked fruits.

The inclusion of the sounds of a roaring fire and the tactile feel of the stockings are nice touches.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

*Badge3* *Badge* This review is part of "Earn Your Badge!; a forum to post reviews and earn Merit Badges! *Badge* *Badge3*

Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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77
77
Review of Snow Arrives  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jay O'Toole ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Snow in a southern state *Shock2* I was once in Florida in January, and it was still in the 70s!

I love your use of personification, and the girl making snow angels. I don't think I've ever heard snow described as "ice cream flakes", so kudos on coming up with a unique metaphor.

You've certainly picked a complicated form for this poem, but you've adhered to all of its crazy rules.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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78
78
Review of Tulips  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jay O'Toole ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


This is a great poem the extols the virtues of spring. I like your use of colour in the first stanza describing the flowers.

The progression of the stanzas to include the bee collecting pollen is a nice touch and adds a splash of quintessential spring to the image the first stanza creates.

Your choice of refrain is both hilarious and oddly genius at the same time. I love it *Laugh*

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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79
79
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jay O'Toole ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


This is an awesome poem, especially considering the age you were when you wrote it.

The image it conjures of childhood love is one that we can all remember feeling and experiencing. I've never forgotten the first girl I fell so heavily for.

The refrain of "My heart" constantly reinforces the personal experience of the poem, and you have done a great job of capturing the elation and heartbreak.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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80
80
Review of Strawberry Smiles  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi K. Ray ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I liked your poem. It's creates a clear and simple image of a child enjoying an ice cream.

The repetition in the second line of each stanza adds to the image. Children quite happily eat ice cream cones without realising where half the ice cream is going.

I also think the title is quite clever as it lends to the visual image created by your poem.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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81
81
Review of L'hiver de Langue  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Cat-Claws is 20 Years Old! ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I love reading seasonal poems, and winter themes are my favourite.

You capture a lot within this short poem, and there are lot of well-used poetic devices.

The s-sound consonance throughout lends to a slow reading cadence, which fits nicely with the idea of the coming cold winter. The imagery of "crystal white ices" and contrasting it to the "dim light" of the Christmas tree does a nice job of empasising the nature aspects of your poem over the holiday aspects, but still allow both to be woven together.

The personification of autumn is used well, and it's nice to see autumn doing something other than bowing out or bowing down to winter.


Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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82
82
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Galyx ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I like the exploration of love in your poem.

You have kept the language of the poem simple, and this allows for a smooth, almost sing-song, reading. You make really good use of partial refrain, and this helps to constantly reinforce the subject of your poem.

I also liked the internal rhyme of "How/Now" and the way you reverse the words in each stanza. This last is a nice touch.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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83
83
Review of I Don't Do Poetry  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Galyx ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I know exactly what you mean. I never did poetry. I was always a short story writer. I never got any of the hidden meanings in poetry. It was only once I actually started writing poetry that I found I really enjoyed it.

Your poem does a great job of highlighting the differences between prose and poetry, while still having a smooth flow and nothing feeling out of place. I also like the way how you progress through each stanza transitioning from a prose writer to a poetry writer.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

*Badge3* *Badge* This review is part of "Earn Your Badge!; a forum to post reviews and earn Merit Badges! *Badge* *Badge3*

Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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84
84
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi GK ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I really liked your poem. The connection and affection we feel for our pets often defies all logic. I couldn't imagine my life without the various pets I've had.

You make good use of metaphor and simile in your poem to create a visual of your cat. Even if I hadn't seen the picture on your profile, it would be easy to see what your cat looks like.

I also love the humour in your closing stanza, and this links backs nicely to the earlier use of metaphor.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

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Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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85
85
Review of Ghost Hunting  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Schnujo Won NaNoWriMo! ,

I chose to review your item today as it was the lucky recipient of your win from "My Raffle Ticket for an Awardicon.

*BulletB* First impressions:

This is a great concept for a ghost story. I particularly liked the way you use modern technology, primarily phone apps, as the main vehicle for the story.

*BulletB* Favourite parts:

You do a great job of keeping the reader engaged, and it's easy to get swept away in the narrative, especially as you essentially only have one character.

The story has a slow build up, which is unusual for a flash piece. Flash fiction usually drops into the story and its action all the way. This slow build up is a nice change and really allows the reader to get into both the story and your character's situation.

The ending is highly suggestive, and I love how it is left unstated. You have done a really good job of linking the ghosts in the story to the ending.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

The challenge with stand alone flash fiction is giving the reader not only a satisfying sense of completion but ending the story at a logical point that precludes the need to continue the story.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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86
86
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi A Thankful Sum1 ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


*Badge3* *Badge* This review is part of "Earn Your Badge!; a forum to post reviews and earn Merit Badges! *Badge* *Badge3*


I loved this item, and I laughed the whole way through. Both news items were enjoyable, and you've done a great job of flipping the roles.

The idea of the general being more concerned with the safety of his men than the success of military conflicts fits in quite nicely with the modern concept of health and safety gone mad. I can understand why the generals and admirals are not usually on the battleground these days, but I can't get away from the image you've created of the regular soldiers wrapped up in cotton wool with everything being done to keep them out of harms way.

I have to be honest, the flip of the NFL player prepared to risk life and limb for the fans, doesn't really seem too out there to me (being a Brit). I've seen football/soccer games played in extremes of 100F heat with 80% humidity in Brazil, to a snow covered and iced solid ground in Colorado, to a pitch so waterlogged the ball floated in pools. There was even a game played during a gale that sent advertising boards flying around the pitch hitting both players and officials. That said, I still appreciated the satire, and it definitely gave me a chuckle.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


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#1300305 by Maryann


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87
87
Review of Dirty Laundry  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Hera ,

*LeafO*  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon *LeafO*


*BulletB* Title:

The title of any item is what draws people. It's like the magic word to open Ali Baba's cave or a locked door that will start you off on an adventure.

Sometimes a title is a direct reference to the content, and other times it has a more tangential connection.

But, whatever you choose as your title, it must grab people's attention. Your title is intriguing, and that is what drew me in.

*BulletB* Poetic techniques:

Any poem requires the poet to dig into a big ole bag of magic tricks to make it work. A poem is after all far more than just a few lines and perhaps a couple of rhymes thrown together.

A poet relies on assonance, consonance, and word choice to help build up a smooth cadence. You make good use of assonance and hard consonant sounds to produce a slow reading speed, which nicely mirrors your narrator's sense of ennui.

Imagery is quintessential to poetry. Unlike in a novel where the writer can spend pages setting a scene (like Stephen King frequently does, or when J K Rowling first described the Great Hall of Hogwarts), a poet has only a few lines.

You set the scene really well. It is easy to visualise the room your narrator is in. We can see the clock with the hands moving, and we can hear the 80s laugh track (and can even visualise our favourite show from back then on the TV). However, you then include "emotions" and "thoughts have been repetitive", but you talk about them in a vague way, lacking the visual punch given to the earlier lines.

You make great use of repetition in your poem. Repetition is used for a multitude of reasons. It provides the individual lines of the poem with a cohesiveness, it keeps the theme or the crux of the poem constantly in the readers mind, and also serves as an echo to help emphasise previous lines.

Your seventh and eighth lines, which are a near repetition of earlier lines, serve to not only reinforce the emptiness of the house, but they literally act as an echo of that emptiness.

I also like the last line being a repeat of the opening line as it creates an envelope effect. This does a great job of bringing the reader back to the start of your poem, and it is also a great way to symbolise the repetitive thoughts of your narrator.

However, I think that you have overused the pronoun "I" in your poem, and it is distracting. In prose, the word "said" is used so often that it is often overlooked by readers as though it is there one minute and then lost within the the text the next minute. This is why authors are advised to always use the word "said" in prose. However, in poetry, we see every single word that is written.

I don't like giving suggestions to authors or poets about changing words or changing half a sentence, as I believe the work belongs to the writer. But just to give you an example of how you could eliminate one of the "I"s: instead of "I watch the clock" you could try "Watching the clock". It would leave the syllable count unaltered, and I don't think it would impact any on the reading cadence of the poem.

*BulletB* Favourite quote:

*ScallopV* I search for feelings full of highs but all I get are deeper downs


Although I can relate to your entire poem, this line exemplifies the past year or so for me. I know what it's like only ever getting those deeper downs and staring at the laundry basket.


Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

Andy~NaNo'ing


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88
88
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi PattyPags ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I found it on the Read a Newbie page.

*BulletB* Title: Your title tells us exactly what your item is about, but it does what it needs to.

*BulletB* First impression: This gave me a giggle. You put forth a very funny look at the U.S. Senate and lawmaking in general.

*BulletB* General impressions: Oh yes! How simple the world would be if words were spelled how they sounded *Laugh*

I like the light tone of your piece. It feels like a "Six o'clock news" type thing. It flows well, and I like how you have "interviewed" a variety of people, and even included a young boy and a former president.

It feels like a genuine news item as you have provided something of both sides of the argument.

You do need to check the final paragraph though. You have a couple of half-finished sentences. Also you mention "GND" - I'm not sure if this is a real thing or if you are talking about the New Grammar Deal. If it's the later, then you have the abbreviation wrong; it should be NGD, not GND.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishv* She also advocated for combining both "affect" and "effect" into one single word because no one actually knows the difference between the two.


This line is just brilliant. It perfectly sums up the basis of the entire piece.

*BulletB* Line by line suggestions: You pretty much have your spelling, grammar, and punctuation down pat, but there are a couple of errors that should be picked up on a final readthrough. These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

Overall, it was an enjoyable item, and one I'm glad to have come across.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~NaNo'ing


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#1300305 by Maryann


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89
89
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Marcus Silverman ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I found it on the Read a Newbie page.

*BulletB* Title: I like the title. It creates a nice visual of what your satire is all about.

*BulletB* First impression: This had me laughing. You've done a really nice job of what you have set out to do.

*BulletB* General impressions: You open with the stark fact of the crime rate in the U.S., and the shocking amount of money that goes to the penal system. This is the platform that your piece builds on, and it is a clever opening. It kept this reader wanting to read on.

You draw a lot of parallels between prison life and astronaut life, and I like the way how you bring Australia's origins into your piece.

Your item has a smooth flow to it, and it keeps the reader engaged. You move from point to point seamlessly, and you manage to maintain the humorous side all the way through.

*BulletB* Suggestions: N.A.S.A. should be NASA. There are no periods in the spelling of NASA. It is regraded as an acronym, not an initialism, despite the fact that it is made up of the initial letters of the administration. Acronyms can be pronounced as a word, and therefore do not have periods.

You may also want to give some thought to double spacing your paragraphs. It just makes it easier to read. You can do this by editing your item, and scroll down to the Advanced section. You will find a dropdown called Paragraph Spacing.

*BulletB* Closing remarks: Although your piece is all done somewhat tongue in cheek, it could probably get some bureaucrat somewhere thinking about the possibilities.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~NaNo'ing


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90
90
Review of Dismal Creek  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ForeverDreamer ,

I chose to review your item today as I saw you were highlighted as a PDG newbie.

*BulletB* Title:

A title is like the hook on a fishing line. Often, it is the only thing (never mind the first thing) people look at when deciding whether or not to read a story.

The title is simple; it's just the name of the hollow the story is set in. However, it conveys an image of a bleak and frightening place, which is reinforced by the cover graphic. There is that feeling of being invited in to sit down and read by some malign force.

*BulletB* First impression:

This is an entertaining read and a well crafted piece of horror flash fiction. Your scene-setting is done well, and you make excellent use of language to create visuals and sensory experience.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Your opening paragraph does its job of setting up your story. Without explicitly coming out and saying it, the paragraph creates the impression of this being a ghost story.

Your story is told without providing too much detail. We are given tiny snippets of what life was like, but there are no physical descriptions of people, beyond a few words about Lydia, and nothing that tells us anything about the town or timescales. In this case, I actually like that. It allows me, the reader, to create my own visuals and impressions of Dismal Creek and its inhabitants.

It can be very difficult, if not impossible, to bring anything new or original to a ghost story. Also, by their very nature, ghost stories are very formulaic - set the scene, tell the story, end with the ghost appearing. Although it's not unique, I do like the ending of the story. It serves the dual purpose of bringing the story into the present, and it leaves the reader with the chance to fill in the blanks of what is to come - both of which are things I like seeing at the end of a story.

I enjoyed the voice of your narrator. It has the feel to it of something like Tales from the Crypt and it really holds the reader's attention. There is no feeling of being rushed towards a conclusion, and as with all good ghost stories, your prose flows slowly and smoothly.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishv* The wind whistles through the trees, and it stays dark as twilight even at noon.
*Starfishb* There is a lonesome and tainted feel to the place.
*Starfishp* She enjoyed her freedom and her sins too much to become an honest woman.


While there is no speech in your story, I love the phrases you use. They serve to create a picture about the Creek and the people who live there.

*BulletB* Suggestions:

You have different line spaces between paragraphs, and it creates an odd visual and makes it difficult to read smoothly. I use the "Paragraph Spacing" option and set it at double spacing so I don't have to worry about having to remember to insert extra carriage returns at the end of paragraphs. When you create/edit an item, you can find this in the Advanced section at the bottom.

You use passive language quite a lot in your story. I'm one of the world's worst for using passive language, so I kind of glass over it without even realising half the time. For example:

Passive voice: The only person who was still happy was old man George Smith, the moonshiner.
Active voice: Only George Smith, the moonshiner, remained happy.

Passive voice: We began to bicker.
Active voice: We bickered.

Active voice keeps the action moving, while passive voice slows down the story's pace. There are times when you want to slow down the pace of a story, but when you are trying to build tension and suspense use of the passive voice hinders the reader.

The following lines stand out and do not feel as polished as the language used in the rest of your story "The most recent date in the cemetery is 1897. No one has lived there in a very long time." When you can use expressions like "dark as twilight even at noon" and "a lonesome and tainted feel to the place", you can probably come up with something more imaginative.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

I'm a little late in saying this as I've been away a while: Welcome to WDC and The Paper Doll Gang! I hope you've enjoyed your first six months on the site.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


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91
91
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥tHiNg♥ ,

I'm here with your "I Write in 2018 review.

I like how your poem is personal. You've taken one small part of your day and wrote a poem centred around it. Feeding our pets is something very personal, and every owner has their own approach and rituals.

The title is clever, and references one of Boo's favourite type of apple. This is a nice way to further personalise the poem.

Your opening line is lovely. The idea of "basset hound days" being the lazy days of summer is a nice tie to the dog days of summer, which are sultry and uncomfortable and where nobody wants to do anything.

Wishing you the best of luck completing I Write 2018.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

Andy~NaNo'ing


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92
92
Review of Guardians  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi StephB ,

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I chose to review your item today as part of my tasks at "The Great PDG Race - Closed.

When someone is browsing through a port, the title is usually the first thing that grabs a reader's attention. I really like your title, as it does a great job of describing angels without immediately giving away what your poem is about.

It invokes the literal idea of guardian angels, but it also alludes to the ideas of angels as guardians of heaven and also guardians against our own human weaknesses (such as temptation or a lack of patience).


I love reading form poetry, and you have done a great job with your kyrielle.

It conforms to all of the requirements of the form, but I think you have made an excellent choice in your refrain. The syllable count in each line is the easy part of writing a kyrielle, but it's the refrain that really sells the poem.

Your refrain not only constantly reinforces the theme of your poem, but it also helps to show the beliefs of the narrator. I particularly enjoyed hearing the repetition of "Angel, Angel" when I read poem aloud.


I love the heavy use of consonance in your poem, but I especially enjoyed the sounds of the unexpected consonance that occurs between the "s" and "z". It creates a smooth reading cadence and adds a melodic undercurrent to your kyrielle.

I like the way how each stanza describes a different aspect of an angel, adding a new layer to the image being created in the reader's mind.

Although the metaphor of a dove as an angel is nothing new, I still liked seeing it. It gives your poem a feeling of familiarity, of something that the reader can connect to. Sometimes using your own metaphor is the way to go, but if the metaphor is so "out there", then you risk losing your reader.

It was a pleasure to read your poem this poem, and I hope you enjoyed your WDC anniversary.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


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93
93
Review of Tricks  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jellyfish - November Already?! ,

I'm here with a review for "I Write in 2018

I'll be honest up front, I'm not totally sure what your poem is about. I assure you that it is entirely me not getting it rather than anything about your poem.

I've come away thinking it's about either what the passage of time does to our memories or the effects of dementia or a mental health issue - so please do tell me if I'm wrong.

The lines about shadows and darkness bring to mind of someone losing their memories - this is where I get the impression of senility or old age from. There is also the "Photos scattered on the floor" - this suggests someone who is becoming confused, either with reality or their memories.

The closing stanzas paint a very bleak picture. The "Empty rooms" reinforce the theme of someone who is losing their memories.

Wishing you the best of luck with I Write!

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

Andy~NaNo'ing


Simply Positive Reviewers signature.
94
94
Review of Wonderland  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jeff ,

A "The Dark Society Review!


I chose to review your item today to celebrate your birthday.

I really enjoyed your poem. I liked the way you captured the theme of Alice in Wonderland, without drawing in a load of the characters to tell your story.

The kyrielle sonnet is a nice choice for your poem. It limits the length of your poem, and this has helped you to focus on what Alice was all about. You made an excellent choice with regards the B refrain, as it reinforces the crux of your poem.

The kyrielle sonnet form is a syllabic count form, but you have created a smooth and melodic flow to your poem. I love your opening line - you have made excellent use of alliteration, and it serves as a great welcome to the poem.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~NaNo'ing


** Image ID #2124168 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
95
95
Review of One Way Ticket  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Hyperiongate ,

A "Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


I love the concept of your micro-fiction. You manage to tell a clear story in less than fifty-five words, and this is really hard to do.

Great micro-fiction relies on choosing a subject or theme that a lot of people can either relate to or easily understand.

Although every series and film does it differently, The idea of space travel is something that most people are familiar with: from Fireball XL5, through Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek, Babylon 5, and so on.

People may be unfamiliar with folding space and probability chambers, but when Star Trek came out in the 1960s, everyone had never heard of a warp drive or dilithium crystals, but fans simply accepted they were needed to make the ship go.

I like how you have given your character a name. It helps to personalise his plight, and is a clever way to engage your reader given the brevity of the story. It actually makes us care that he can't get home.

You have ended your flash piece on a "What now" moment. Most flash stories end this way, and it means the reader can make of your story's future what they will.


*Shield1* Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! *Shield2*


*Shield7* Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell

GoT banner

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
96
96
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Robert Edward Baker ,

A "Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*



Ah, an anti-romance sonnet, but still about a love. I can't think of anything more perverse *Laugh*

I'm not a huge fan of sonnets (I really only like Shakespeare's Sonnet number 17), but I really like this. The humour is dry, and a lot of people love chocolate, so they can easily feel for your narrator.

You have used consonance, assonance, and alliteration to great effect to establish the cadence. The meter is flawless, but the first two lines are a little awkward.

I had to read the first line a couple of times to slip into the lilting flow of iambic pentameter, and the word "favorite" in the second line throws the meter off on the first reading. Many people naturally pronounce it as "fave-rit", so it reads as a spondee at the end of the line. It's only after tripping up on it, that I ended up re-reading and pronouncing it "fa-vor-ite"

I just love the volta. You have built up to it through the three quatrains, and it ties into your title perfectly.

*Shield1* Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! *Shield2*


*Shield7* Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell

GoT banner

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
97
97
Review of Apocalypse  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Robert Edward Baker ,

A "Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I really enjoyed your poem. I love form poetry and get a lot of joy from metered poetry (although I struggle so much to write it). Based on its title, I was expecting something more ballsy or truly dystopian. Your poem's content surprised me . . . but in a good way.

You have crafted a nice tribute to "Fire and Ice". The original Frost poem looks at several possible ways life will end for humans, and your poem mirrors this concept nicely. Your poem has the same opening few words, and this helps readers to get into the connection of the two poems.

You make excellent use of consonance and assonance to create a melodic reading rhythm for your poem; it was also really nice to hear you read your poem aloud in the YouTube video. You use punctuation consistently throughout your poem, and, along with your use of enjambment, helps to establish a reading cadence.


*Shield1* Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! *Shield2*


*Shield7* Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell

GoT banner

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby
98
98
Review of Marching Orders  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jeff ,

A "Game of Thrones House Martell Review!



*BulletB* First impression:

I enjoyed your poem. It gives a stark view (no GoT pun intended) of the distance between those issuing the orders, and the troops on the front line carrying them out.

*BulletB* Form:

I'm a huge fan of form poetry, and I especially love those with refrains.

Your rondelet follows the prescribed form, rhyme scheme, and refrain pattern.

You have made an excellent choice of refrain, as it reinforces the crux of your poem.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Orders for the front line often come from way back at headquarters, and this is hammered home throughout your poem. I like the way how you make this poem more about the men and women who are on the front line carrying out those orders, than those faceless generals conducting the war.

There is nice use of consonance and some alliteration to create a steady reading pattern. There is minimal punctuation, but when you use it, it is used correctly and effectively.

*Shield1* Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! *Shield2*


*Shield7* Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell

GoT banner

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby
99
99
Review of Soldiers  
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Pat ~ Rejoice always! ,

A "Game of Thrones House Martell Review!



*BulletB* First impression:

Despite the dark tone of your poem, I found it captivating.

*BulletB* Form:

You have used the original Craig Tigerman Pleiades form (a septet, where each line starts with the same letter as your one word title, and there is no fixed meter or rhyme requirement), and your poem conforms to the requirements.

Personally, this is my favourite version of the form, although I have written several Pleiades using Hortensia Anderson's variation, where each line of the septet is limited to six syllables. The six syllables symbolises the fact that only six of the seven sisters are clearly visible, whilst the seventh is nearly invisible to the naked eye.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Your poem makes excellent use of consonance to create a smooth reading flow. I also like the use of enjambment throughout.

You have done a great job of focusing on one aspect of the effects of war. You have gone with the potential psychological impact that being in a warzone can cause. This is not something I have very often, but you have crafted a wonderful poem around it.

*BulletB* Favourite lines:

*Scallopv* succumbing to the
savagery of their experiences,

These lines are consonance heavy, and it creates an eerie tone when read aloud. The use of the word succumbing is a nice way to show how the effects of war can be subtle, yet overpowering.


*Shield1* Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! *Shield2*


*Shield7* Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell

GoT banner

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby
100
100
Review by Andy~NaNo'ing
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Purple Princess ,

A "Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


I am reviewing your story as part of eyestar~ 's Friend and Foe task #6

*BulletB* First impression:

You have a nice start to a romance story here. You made a nice use of the prompt provided by the Wheel of Torture.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I like the interaction between Lina and Raven. It is friendly and relaxed, and their dialogue feels natural for younger adults.

The start of your story sets up the bar scene and helps to establish the overall mood of the piece. Your POV is consistent, and I detected no head-hopping.

Your story flows smoothly, and the dialogue and action both help to move the story along at a quick pace.

*BulletB* Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

I assume the book item link at the end is supposed to be a link to Mona's story. You might want to check the item number as is has linked to a different member.

Despite the suggestions above, you have a string start here and is still worthy of the 4 stars I have given it.

*Shield1* Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On! *Shield2*


*Shield7* Lord Andy~Sunspear of Martell

GoT banner

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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