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151
151
Review of Cherished Tears  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi celiasgirl ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


This is a "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

I chose to review your item today as I saw it on the Read a Newbie page.

*BulletB* Title:

The title is attractive. It perfectly captures the theme of your poem.

*BulletB* Form:

Your poem is written in two quatrains of free verse.

As with all free verse, there is no rhyme or set meter. The line-to-line transitions are smooth, and there is great use of enjambment.

There is also nice use of other poetic devices such as alliteration, consonance, and assonance.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Despite this being free verse, your poem flows smoothy and a steady reading rhythm builds up.

Your poem paints a beautiful picture of being cherished by Jesus. His love for us is a theme that runs throughout your poem.

It is also easy to feel your own beliefs reflected in the poem.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp* Tenderly, You bind my deep wounds
soothing, crooning, “Hush child, I love you”


These two lines beautifully capture the recurring theme of love and adoration for Jesus.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi 🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph ,

I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Raid Review!


I chose to review your item today because I keep on meaning to enter this contest, and people forget that they can review contests.

*BulletB* Concept:

Although I'm sure most (if not all) of the contests here would accept an LGBT entry, they are very few and far between.

This is a great concept to have a home where LGBT stories can truly shine.

*BulletB* Graphics:

I love the main graphic showing the couples. At first glance, I thought it was a gay and a lesbian couple, but then the relevance of the Venn diagram became clearer - indicating the inclusion of the other members of the LGBT community.

The pastel-coloured rainbow that your graphic is superimposed on is widely recognised worldwide as the spectrum representing the entire LGBT community.

You also replicate the rainbow in the graphic for the name of your contest.

You have created an attractive and appealing graphic that enhances your contest page.

*BulletB* Rules:

Your rules are clearly laid out.

You lead off with the all important "Short stories only" and you specify your maximum word count.

I do like that you have specifically stated "No erotica accepted". I have no problem with erotica in stories, but I know what goes on in the bedroom. I don't need someone to spend a thousand words telling me what goes where and why. This forces your contest entrants to focus on their story.

You also specify the dates that the current round of your contest runs for. This is important for your entrants to know.

The only thing you don't mention is editing. Can people edit once they have posted their entry?

*BulletB* Prizes:

Your prizes are appropriate to the contest. The only suggestion I have is that if you are prepared to give first place 10,000 GPs, why not allow the winner the option of choosing an Awardicon? I know some members would want the GPs, but I'm sure there would be some who would like the option.

*BulletB* Prompts:

Wow! You have six prompts this month!

I love the idea of the special Pride prompts. It's a great way to celebrate Pride month. But it's great to see that you also have some more traditional prompts - this is good for those members who have no experience of Pride.

Thank you for sharing this item! Best of luck with this great contest!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
153
153
Review of Just $29.95  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Angus ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


I chose to review your item today because it's your birthday and anything horror written by you promises to be a great read.

*BulletB* Title:

I love the title. It leaves so much open to the imagination as to what this story could be about.

*BulletB* General impressions:

You have managed to write another brilliant horror story. As with all of your horror stories that I have read, everything starts off with a nice and normal situation (in this case Rick winning a bet about who can stay awake the longest).

It is then followed by the huh-what moment when we realise something is not quite right (Rick not being able to fall asleep), but still no sign of anything scary or horror related.

Then we get hit in the face with the horror and the shock and all manner of screaming like a little girl *Laugh*

*BulletB* Favourite parts:

My favourite bit overall was the TV salesman as he eggs Rick on to prove how sharp the knives are.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

I won't quote it and spoil it, but the last line is great. It's the ultimate of reveals as we learn Rick's fate.

*BulletB* Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

I must admit to being very surprised at finding this being one of your few flash pieces with no decoration - but that oversight has now been remedied *Bigsmile* Keep churning out these great stories.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
Review of i found you  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi s.c ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I found it on the Review a Newbie page.

*BulletB* Title:

I liked your title. It fits with your genre of romance/love. It has that quality of someone who has had to search for love and not just have love land in their lap.

*BulletB* Form:

You have a single stanza of semi-freeverse. I say semi-freeverse because you have that wonderful repetition of "the one with" at the start of each line.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I like your poem's opening line. It serves both as an opening to your poem and an opening to your narrator's quest.

The refrain of "the one with" at the start of lines two though six is a great way to show your narrator's journey as he/she hunts for true love. It serves as a checklist for your narrator and shows us the qualities sought after in a prospective partner.

The last line is a great resolution. Your narrator succeeds in finding their romance and lives happily ever after.

Your poem has a smooth flow to it and it was easy to fall into a steady reading pattern - this is unusual for a freeverse poem and I attribute it to the repeated words at the start of the lines.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

It's great to see Newbies jumping in and posting, and well done on completing your bioblock.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


*BulletB* Title and image:

I loved the title. You have created a humorous title, and I love the rhyme of Tabasco and Fiasco. As soon as I saw it I knew I was in for a fun read. I also like your choice of cover picture, which is very appropriate.

*BulletB* Form:

I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of free verse, even though I have written a couple of pieces myself.

I was surprised to see just how many poetic devices you had incorporated into your poem. You have internal rhymes (such as in the third stanza with "petulant lout + flatulent lout" and "plumes of noxious fumes"), and there is alliteration (such as in the first stanza with "rowdy redneck" and in the third stanza with "riveting rhapsody").

There is also use of enjambment and consonance. You also have the creative language I have come to expect to find in poetry.

*BulletB* General impressions:

This was a laugh out loud poem - and a very worthy winner of Lornda's poetry contest. I loved the tale of the narrator heading off for some Mexican food and then suffering from the effects of Montezuma's revenge.

I loved the second stanza, as it's rhyming of long words reminded me so much of the way the Major General's Song from Pirates of Penzance sounds.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp* With petulant pout, some flatulent lout
blew riveting rhapsody through his rectal flute

These two lines remind me of the well-known little ditty about beans beans the musical fruit *Laugh*

In a poem filled with so much humour, this is one of several lines I liked, but these were the only ones that made me really laugh.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your work and I will be back as time allows to read some more of your outstanding poetry.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Raid Review!


*BulletB* Title:

Your title is very appropriate for your poem. February is that inbetweeny borderline month that can go one way or the other weather-wise - some parts of the northern hemisphere are more prone for winter to continue into February whilst other areas are less likely to see winter continue much past the new year.

*BulletB* Form:

I have read a few amphions before, but it's not a form I've used myself yet.

I love the alternating use of tetrameter and dimeter in this form, and your rhyme scheme of abbaccdeed holds true.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I love your description of winter lingering on into February.

I absolutely love your use of the word "hoar" in the first line - it's a word that is seldom used, and is a brilliant choice instead of using grey (or similar word). This is a great colour choice to use, and a very apt description of people's changing opinion on the snow. It starts out as a pure white as winter's snow is seen as magical and is always linked to Christmas, but then turning grey and dreary as everyone gets fed up with more snow falling.

Your poem has a smooth flow to it, and it is easy to feel the exasperation of your narrator.

The picture you have included with your poem is a nice addition, and it help us to empathise and sympathise with your narrator.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishb* as cold winds blow
and drift the snow.

I love this couplet. It captures the essence of a lingering winter, and it has a magical quality to it.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of Crystal's Charms  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


*BulletB* Title and cover graphic:

I was drawn by the title and wanted to find out what Crystal referred to. I was also intrigued by the graphic of the woman on the flying carpet, and wondered how it could all fit together.

*BulletB* Form:

I've heard of prose poetry before and I've read a bit of it, so I knew what to expect with your piece - at least with the mechanics anyway.

I recognised several poetic devices throughout your prose poem. There was rhyming ("Mary Beth met Crystal Meth" being one example), there was some amazing alliteration ("kaleidoscopic cataclysm of colour" and "black as chunks of coal" were my favourites), and wonderful use of simile (such as "as she rode the highs and lows like some aerobatic biplane wing walker").

The prose also had the colourful descriptive language that I have come to expect in poetry. As disturbing as it sounds, I also love your personification of Crystal Meth.

*BulletB* General impressions:

You have done a great job of describing a vibrant young woman and her sad descent into psychosis as a result of her drug use.

You have held back on none of the horror she faces on her downward spiral, and the sad ending surely serves as a warning to everyone about drug abuse.

The picture at the end of your prose poem is a wonderful addition to the piece and serves to further highlight the horrible lows she experienced from her Meth use.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishb* Those bright blue eyes were replaced by dark sockets to the emptiness of her spirit, black as chunks of coal.

This line is a great example of your linguistic skill in describing her descent. It features the colourful language expected to be seen in poems and the alliteration found in "bright blue eyes" and "chunks of coal".

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
Review of Silence  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi rhyannaa,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Raid Review!


*BulletB* Title:

I was attracted by the title. I wanted to see what way you went with silence, and I was not disappointed. It is a very appropriate title for your piece.

*BulletB* General impressions:

This is a short but very emotional piece. The narrator struggles with anything and everything around her, yet she seems to be very much aware of her surroundings. She can't find the peace that she seeks, yet I get the impression that she is either unable or unwilling at this stage to engage with the doctors who want to help.

She is questioning whether her view of reality is real or perhaps a drug-induced fantasy. This explains much of her current mindset.

There is a lot that is left unsaid, especially around her past and exactly what the barriers were that once served as a brace. I get the impression from this line that the narrator used various tactics and devices to protect herself from the world, but they are ultimately what has caused her current predicament.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

This piece, along with the other two that I have read today, are all expertly crafted. There is no waffling, no fluff, and no wasted words.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review of Perpetual Hell  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Rhyanna ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Group Raid Review!


I chose to review your item today as your port was picked by Gaby Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm to be raided.

*BulletB* Title:

I was scanning your port looking for something to review and I was intrigued by the title. Perpetual Hell could mean almost anything or refer to early anything. I just had to dive in and find out what your flash piece was all about.

*BulletB* General impressions:

You have written a brilliant story here, given the extreme limit on the word count. The thought of being trapped like that in one's own mind must be horrific.

My grandmother had dementia (although she was much older than fifty), and the change from the woman I knew growing up into the woman she became was awful. She always had this scared-rabbity look in her eyes that you describe whenever anyone went near her.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

Your flash piece has succinctly and accurately captured the anguish of people with dementia. You clearly have a talent for being able to write pieces with very short word limits.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
Review of Caves  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kjk ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I found it on the review a newbie page.

*BulletB* Title:

I like the title. It has so many possibilities for what your poem will be about and so it attracts the reader.

*BulletB* Form:

This is a nice little free verse quintain. I haven't come across a quintain before that isn't form poetry (limerick, tanka, etc.), but your five lines work really well. They come together to create an enjoyable and clever poem.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I'm not a fan of free verse, but I really like your poem. It is filled with mystery and intrigue about the unknown. I've done some spelunking (exploring caves) in my time, and it's always fun to go explore a new cave. You'll never know what you'll find

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp* The mind goes on a journey

I love this line. It suggests that you might not be talking about a physical cave, but rather a cave of the mind (i.e.:the subconscious or our memories).

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

It's good to see a newbie jumping right in posting an item and writing something in their bioblock.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
Review of Game of Thrones  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


I chose to review your item today as you are the great GoTWitch who watches over us mere mortals and keeps us safe.

*BulletB* First impression:

When I first saw your forum about a month prior to GoT starting, I thought my head would explode *Laugh*. It was such a busy-looking forum filled with links and dropdowns and images and so many different things going on.

*BulletB* Images:

Your contest forum has two sets of images: the forum banner image and the House banners.

The forum banner is bold and attractive. The shield and crossed-swords is a great creative concept, as it draws from the theme of Game of Thrones.

The banners for the individual Houses are bright, colourful, and they stand out from each other. These banners are going to be appearing all over WDC for the next month and their uniqueness will make it easy to tell the GoT participants apart.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Your forum is well laid out, and it is neat and tidy. You have all of the rules posted in dropnotes, and given the amount of space they take up this was a brilliant idea.

Your reviewing guidelines are clear. You include the word count, mention the things that must be included and the things that should be left out. You also include the rewards and the penalties for reviews, and since this is a contest clear and concise rules like this are a definite must.

You have laid out the dates and times for the raids, and have provided clear guidance on how much reviews are worth, how to score more House points with reviews, and you also explain about group and ally raids.

The Spoil a GoT Member section is explained simply and as with the other sections this dropnote is clear and concise. This is an aspect of the contest that I'm really looking forward to.

Who can't be looking forward to the Surprise Reviews challenge. You have clearly explained the timeframe and the various rules. What I don't quite get with the Surprise Reviews is that you say "each G.o.T. member will select two items" and that 250 points will be deducted for each missing review. You state in several places that nothing in GoT is mandatory, yet these sentences seem to contradict that sentiment. Maybe you should have a look at the wording in this section.

The Get To Know Each Other concept is an interesting and simple one, as in the Interactive Story.

The Ask and Ye Shall Receive newsfeed challenge is explained, and are the number of points we get for each different case colour who comments. I dread the thought of eventually going over all of my newsfeeds to work out which one will score me the most points *Laugh*

At the bottom of your forum page you include details on how cheering works (this is important for the Houses and for raising GPs towards prizes), and the list of GoT donors. I like seeing contests that list their donors as most would not be able to operate without the generosity of WDC members.

*BulletB* Favourite parts:

Praise the gods that you have posted a simplified GoT Schedule! There is so much going on and all happening on different days that without your schedule the realm would be in chaos - well, in more chaos that it is *Laugh*

I'm also looking forward to seeing the House points being updated so we can gauge how we are doing in and against the competition.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

I'm really looking forward to this month as GoT progresses. We get a nice easy couple of days of just reviewing at our leisure to ease us in, and then wham! We have Spoil A Member, Surprise Reviews, and all the other amazing cool stuff you have created for us.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
162
162
Review of Heart Thief  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Geralyn ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I found it on the review a newbie page.

*BulletB* Title:

Your title is an eye-catching one, yet gives away nothing about your senryu. The blurb tells us about what makes a senryu different from a haiku, but it does nothing to sell your poem.

The blurb can quite often make the difference between your story/poem/essay being read or not. You need to do everything you can to hype up your poem and tell the WDC community why they should read your piece.

*BulletB* Poetry form:

Your poem conforms to the accepted conventions of the foreign adaptation of a senryu. It is presented in three lines, and has seventeen syllables. It is also a very personal and emotional poem, which is what the basic difference is between senrryu and haiku. Your senryu also deals with human nature (love of animals) as opposed to the animal nature indicative of haiku.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I really liked your senryu. It has a clear message and one that is very true.

The first line is harsh and blunt and perfectly sets up your senryu. It is only when the reader gets to the second line that the sadness behind the opening of your senryu is revealed.

You have succinctly, yet beautifully, captured one of the saddest facts of the life of a pet. In spite of the number of "A pet is for life and not just for Christmas" adverts, so many parents buy their kids a puppy for the holidays.

Your third line gives hope for a happy outcome for our furry little friend. I love this switch in emotional context to your poem, and it gives your senryu a complete feel to it.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

It's great to see that you have completed your bio-block and that you already have several items posted in your portfolio.

Something for you to keep in mind with your items is that you can select up to three genres - your senryu only has one genre listed. Many readers will search/filter by genre, so if you include three genres then you have more chance of your item being seen and read.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
163
163
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Bulldozer ,

A "Game of Thrones"  House Martell Review!


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I saw it on the Noticing Newbies page.

*BulletB* Title:

I like the title. This is a much better title than your other piece. It lets the reader know exactly what to expect from your essay.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Your essay again follows the traditional opening, middle, and closing.

I think this essay is much better than your television one. It has a better flow to it, and you really have hit the big three tourist attraction sectors in Florida.

This essay has the feel to it of being better researched, but I would still like to see some links to the sites you've visited for your information.

There are two major attractions that you haven't mentioned - the Everglades and Cape Canaveral. I know it's impossible to mention everything in an essay, but you should always try to mention the biggies.

I went to Florida a number of years ago and visited most of the places you mention. I entirely agree with you that the beaches are amongst the biggest draw to tourists, especially those who don't have kids. All the kids want is to go to Disney World, Bush Gardens and go on all of the big rides.

*BulletB* Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

Overall, this is much better essay and a much better read.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
164
164
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Bulldozer ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I chose to review your item today as I saw it on the Read a Newbie page.

*BulletB* Title:

Your title spells out exactly what your essay is about. However, personally I think that a more descriptive title such as "Television: A Cause of Society's Problems" would work better. It will allow readers to have a better idea as to what direction your essay is going in.

Using "Television Informative Essay" as a title doesn't let readers know what to expect - it might be an essay on the origin of the television, or how televisions have developed.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I liked your essay as you make your points of view clear, and you have laid your essay out in a logical way. Your essay has a clear introduction, you have stated your opinions, and you have a conclusion - this is the basic way that all essays (regardless of length) are laid out.

My only issue with your essay is that you start off by saying that television is one of numerous causes of society's problems, but by the end, your essay implies that television is the sole cause of societies problems and by eliminating it we will solve those problems, but it is not that simple.

For example, you say that television causes obesity (something that I don't necessarily disagree with), however there is the undeniable fact that people tend to eat junk food whilst watching television. If people ate fruit and vegetables whilst watching television instead of chips and chocolate, would obesity be as prevalent? So is television really a cause of obesity? If we improved our diet would the link between television and obesity still exist? You need to consider that Japan (for example) has a very low obesity rate, yet 99% of households have at least one television. So why has Japan managed to avoid the problems of the Western World?

As you work your way through school, your teachers will expect to see you look at both sides of an argument - that is what makes for a great essay that scores high marks. You have written the "against" television part of the essay really well, but to impress your teachers you should look at some of the other causes of society's problems. It is also by looking at both sides of the argument that you will be able to write the longer essays you'll need to write in a year or two from now.

I would also like to see links to the sources you read to get your information. It's really only by seeing where you have drawn your research from that people can tell where your essay is coming from. Most sources of information have a bias (people will write to promote their own ideas and to dismiss the views of others), so if your information is only taken from books written by authors with a anti-television opinion, it could unduly influence your own essay. Your teachers will also expect you to list your sources of information at the end of your essay.

*BulletB* Spelling/Punctuation/Grammar:

You have done really well with SP&G, and I only noticed a couple of minor niggles whilst reading and these are included in the section below.

*BulletB* Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

You have a firm grasp of the basics of essay writing, you just need to expand your essay to get into the high marks. I wish you all the best in your studies.

You may also want to think about completing your bio to tell us something about yourself.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell


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165
Review of Food Hunt  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Writer_Mike ,

I chose to review your item today as part of my challenge at "a very Wodehouse challenge" .

I enjoyed this little flash piece. It's simple, it speaks for itself, and you haven't tried to do too much with it - I liked that. You had a severe limit on your word count, but you have managed to show everything that needed to be shown in your story.

Your title is really clever, and once I had finished reading the story I realised just how appropriate it is.

It's unusual for me to have a favourite line in a piece this short, but I loved the line "Game's been real scarce and meat's meat". I can only imagine the shock and dismay that this sentence caused in the courtroom.

You have done a fantastic job of entertaining with only fifty-five words, and you have shown that stories don't need to be pages long to grip a reader.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
166
166
Review of Justice  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dawn Embers ,

I chose to review your item today as part of my challenge at "a very Wodehouse challenge" .

Your poem deals with capital punishment, but it has an interesting slant to it. As your poem comes to a close, you put forth the notion that those who are seeking justice are left feeling regret at the prospect of the defendant being executed - or rather more precisely, the prospect of the defendant's family having to suffer long with them.

Your poem has a pyramidal layout to it, and I love the way how each line gets progressively longer and longer. Your poem flows smoothly, and it has a natural feel to it.

I must admit to never having heard of this form of poetry. Given this is a more unusual choice of poem type, a brief explanation of the form and rules would have been a nice addition to see.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
167
167
Review of MINOR  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi MissE ,

I chose to review your item today as part of my challenge at "a very Wodehouse challenge" .

This is a short and simple Acrostic, but it speaks volumes. It is about maintaining the innocence of children, and protecting them from those who would take advantage of them.

In the tradition of Acrostics, the first letter of each line spells out the word of your title. Your Acrostic is written as one single sentence, and so therefore flows smoothly.

I also like how you included the dictionary definition of what a minor is. This helps to really reinforce the message of what your poem is about. The lives of children are ruined every day by adults who do cruel and sometimes unspeakable things to them.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
168
168
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jess ,

I chose to review your item today as part of my "a very Wodehouse challenge" .

The arguments for and against capital punishment have raged for as long as capital punishment has existed.

Your poem is split into three stanzas, and I like how each stanza deals with a different part of the judicial process.

The first stanza deals with proclaiming the verdict and sentence - this must be truly terrifying in those places that still have capital punishment.

The second story talks about trial by media and the glee of the masses at an upcoming execution.

In the third stanza, we see the human side of the condemned prisoner. There is also the far more troubling aspect of the fact of executing an innocent man.

You have done a great job in tying the various elements together, and you have crafted a thought-proving poem.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
169
169
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Angels in my Ear ,

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *UmbrellaB*


*BulletB* Title and cover image:

I was drawn in by your title and the vivid picture you have used for your cover image.

Your image also serves a great visual while reading your poem.

*BulletB* Form:

Your poem is written in free verse. You have seven stanzas with no fixed number of lines, no rhyme scheme, and no meter.

I'm making some progress with reading and writing unrhymed and unmetered poetry, but I don't think I'm ever going to truly be a fan of free verse.

*BulletB* First impression:

Your poem is about your emotional connection to nature during and after thunderstorms. Thunderstorms are Mother Nature's raw and untamed fury, and it is easy to see how our own moods can be affected by them.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Although I'm not a huge fan of free verse, I absolutely loved this poem.

The narrative is both beautiful and creative. I love the highly visual description of the thunderstorm and then the sun breaking through the darkness.

You have also used some amazing metaphors in this poem. My favourite of them is in the opening line: "As the thunder screams its ceaseless tantrum outside". The noise created during a thunderstorm easily rivals that of a child throwing a temper tantrum.

I love the logical layout of this poem. The contrast between the thunderstorm and the bright sunshine followed by the summation where your narrator delves into their own psyche.


The first three stanzas are dedicated to the thunderstorm and the narrator's connection to it.

These stanzas are dark. They paint a picture of someone who is fearful of the thunderstorm and what it says about them.

They invoke emotions of fear and sadness. Thunderstorms can appear drab and dull, and as such they make people feel maudlin and miserable. The sheer power of the wind, the lightning, and the floods of rain are all enough to see why they are a source of fear for many.

*Umbrellap* The chaos of this rainstorm
is a mirror of my thoughts


This quote sums up the first three stanzas for me. These two lines also set out the narrator's mood right from the off.


The next two stanzas are dedicated to the sun breaking through.

Your narrator calms as the storm passes, and feels able to face the world again. The bright sun brings a sense of happiness.

*Umbrellav* The sun is the mask we wear.


We all have a happy-go-lucky persona that we project to the world - your narrator's "mask". The darkness of the maelstrom is something that we keep tightly under wraps.


Your last two stanzas reveal the fact that your narrator is very much aware of the mask she wears.

*Umbrellar* Only the thunder knows me
and sees behind my mask
.

Your narrator is conscious of the turmoil that is broiling beneath the surface. It bubbles away just waiting for the next chance to rear its ugly head.

By being aware of the dark undercurrent, your narrator does not allow themselves to be deluded by the false face they present to thee world.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp* As the thunder screams its ceaseless tantrum outside,
I find it is using my voice.


This is a brilliant opening. Right from the off you have not only established the personal connection between the narrator and the thunderstorm, but you have set up your poem's theme of how the weather phenomena affect your mood.


*Starfishb* The power pulses through me


This line not only furthers your narrator's connection with the thunderstorm, but it reminds us that the atmosphere is palpable with static during this frightful event.


*Starfishr* Why is the sun praised
and the thunder feared?


This is the crux of your poem for me.

It is a great question and one we rarely think of ourselves. Thunderstorms are viewed as raw destructive power, while the sun has always been seen as the giver of life.

This was even true in ancient times. Ra, the Egyptian sun god, was revered, while Sekhmet, the goddess of storms, was feared. In the ancient Egyptian calendar there were twelve months of thirty days with five days left over. During these spare five days, Egypt was in mortal danger as the storm deities controlled the earth, and it was down to pharaoh to protect his people.


*BulletB* Closing remarks:

This is a great example of how free verse should be done. This is a poem that I have enjoyed reading, one I have connected with, and one that I have come away from learning something.

This is a poem that I can see myself coming back to again and again, and that doesn't happen very often for me when it comes to free verse.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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170
170
Review of May Angels Watch  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough ,

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *UmbrellaB*


*BulletB* First impression:

I love this poem. I came away from it with a feeling of serenity and security.

*BulletB* Form:

I love the quatrain form and enjoyed your ABAB rhyme pattern. I've only really started reading and writing poetry, and this form and rhyme pattern are the one I've enjoyed reading the most. It fits the most with my vision of what a poem should look and read like - though I am exploring a number of other forms.

Beginning every line of each quatrain with "May angels" or "May they" reinforces the parts of our lives that these heavenly beings play in.

*BulletB* General impressions:

The underlying message of angels protecting us and watching over us is a powerful one. They help us when we get in trouble, they protect us from harm, and they guide us.

They watch over all of us from their distant lighthouses (which I interpret as a metaphor for heaven). This poem has a very spiritual aspect, but it is an aspect that transcends the religious divides - most if not all religions have their own versions of angels who are out spreading peace and harmony.

Your poem is filled with adoration for these great beings, who although most of us have never seen them, most of us have felt their presence.

We talk about guardian angels, angels of destiny, cherubims, seraphims, and your poem covers them all. Each type of angel has their own particular field and duty. You end your poem with the one most people fear, the angel of death.

You paint a picture of serenity and loving with your poem.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp* May they keep your footsteps sure.


This is what I see as an angel's mainstay. It is the thing that they do for all of us, and we don't five it a second thought.


*Starfishb* May they find grace for you before it's too late


As the saying goes "Pride goeth before a fall". Angels are there to help us find us that grace and humility.


*Starfishr* May they bear the burden of your sorrow too


It is at this point in our lives when we rely most on our faith, when we turn to the heavens in hope of finding solace. The angels are there for us even in our darkest hour.


*Starfishv* May they find you when you depart


At the end of our lives when we are finally called home, the angels will be there to welcome us. This is a very comforting thought for us to have faith in.


*BulletB* Closing remarks:

You have done a wonderful job with writing such a warming and comforting poem.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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171
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Nixie Martell cheerleader ,

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *UmbrellaB*


Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story. Whatever another person says (especially me) whether positive or negative, is just their opinion. You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

*BulletB* Title:

I was looking through your port for something to read for my first Showering Acts of Joy review, and your title immediately attracted me. Along with the E rating, it conjured up a mental image of a children's comedy or a farce in the vein of The Cat in the Hat.

I love the blurb where you described him as "Spock-earred". You could have gone for pointy-earred or something visually similar here, but instead you chose to reference the iconic Spock. I think even someone who isn't a Trek fan would immediately know how the kitten's ears look.

*BulletB* First impression:

This is a well-written flash piece showing the chaos one little kitten can cause. The story moves along at a nice pace and it has a smooth flow throughout. There were also no obvious grammar or punctuation errors.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Although I felt sorry for "Mom", this was a laugh-a-minute short story.

The interaction between the three siblings is believable and realistic - right down to the little brother who is only interested in his iPad, and nothing and nobody is going to distract him from zapping and kasplating the aliens or whatever.

I like how you have chosen to tell this story from Cassandra's point of view. She is an enjoyable character to read and has just enough sass to fit with her age. Her internal dialogue is brilliant and really brings her character to life. I think you have definitely picked the right character for your first person POV.

"Mom" is fixated about her husband's party. She obsesses over every little aspect of the party to the practical exclusion of everything else. Her crowning glory, the cheesecake of the title, is her major concern and it must be perfect - even if it is going to be covered in cherries.

*BulletB* Favourite parts:

The way you have written Dr Zhivago's character is entertaining, yet it is still in keeping with kitten behaviour and it also does not feel unnecessarily exaggerated for comedic effect at any point.

That is what helps to keep your story within the realms of believability whilst still being humorous.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp*He wasn't a space-worthy cat, nor did he have any initials after his name to give him doctor status.

I love this part of Cassandra's description of Dr Zhivago. This deprecation of the family kitten gives some wonderful insight into the mind of your main character. She is a cheeky teenager who seems to enjoy take shots at everyone, and so why should a defenceless little kitten be exempt?


*Starfishb*obviously feeling triumphant and totally misunderstanding our commands, vaulted from the floor to a position of glory

I love how Cassandra describes Dr Zhivago at this point. Given the amount of cheek this young girl has, it wouldn't surprise me if she is projecting some of her own emotion at this point. I can just see her taking some pleasure in the anarchy around her.


*Starfishv*Mom was trembling, trying to cover the crack in the cheesecake with cherries.

I love the alliterative quality of this sentence. It brings to mind some of the scences from the film The Court Jester with Angela Lansbury and Danny Kaye. There are a couple of other alliterative sentences, and they further enhance the comedy aspect of your story.

*BulletB* Closing remarks:

I loved this story as a whole. Your kitten reminded me so much of the Hayley Mills film "That Darn Cat", which was one of my favourite films growing up. I'd love to see more of your kitten Dr Zhivago.

Thank you for sharing this item and allowing me to comment! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university


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172
172
for entry "Merci" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist ,

This is the second review you have won as part of my auction package at "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" . I would like to thank you for your generosity and support of the various Newbie groups who will benefit from the GPs raised.

This review, and all comments within, are for "Chapter 2 - Merci" only and do not apply to any other chapter.

*BulletB* First impression:

I love this first chapter proper. You have done a great job in introducing the main character of Merci Pleasant and showing us something of her "gift".

*BulletB* General impressions:

I love the first couple of paragraphs. They are a great opening to the chapter where we get to see a lot of Merci in only a few sentences. I love the idea of her own insomnia remedy of Ginger Snaps and Dr Pepper - I must try it myself the next time I have trouble getting to sleep.

The link between Merci and her cat is an interesting one. I love the initial scene between them. She trusts her cat's instincts and believed there was danger of some description. The way you describe her cat's actions and mewlings is imaginative and makes it very easy to visualise the scene.

I love the way how you have introduced Merci's psychic ability. You have not only shown us the physical effects Merci experiences, but you imply that this psychic event is going to be much more intense than they usually are.

The description of the dragon tattoo was very vivid and filled with detail. I especially liked the image of the dragon grapple for purchase on the ice - a great contrast of fire and ice.

*BulletB* Favourite part:

The flash-back scene to her three-year-old self was my favourite part of this chapter. It was well-written and creative. It was filled with such graphic descriptions that made it easy to visualise the scene.

I love the visuals of the exploding ball of lightning, the curls of smoke, and her younger-self's attempts to retreat through her Winnie the Pooh bedlinen.

It also works as a great way to introduce the origin of her gift. At least, I get the impression that the demon is the personification of her gift. Hopefully, I'm not wrong here.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishb*distant, haunting, like loons calling through a morning mist

I love this visual. I've been up near Loch Ness before in winter, and you get some very misty mornings. It's amazing how chilling it is when you suddenly hear an animal of some sort.


*Starfishp*All the usual sleep-inducing remedies had failed, including Grandmother's handed-down recipe of warm milk and cinnamon.

I immediately get the sense here that Merci either has a respect for tradition or at the very least a respect for her grandmother. Either way, this is a nice way to provide some insight into Merci's character.


*Starfishr* the conga line of daddy-long-legs skittering down her back

This is a unique turn of phrase. I love the image it creates as well. Far too often authors use "spine-tingling" or "chills ran up and down my spine", this is just brilliant!


*Starfishv* Then the pain ceased, the debilitating amperage switched off, as if unplugged.

I love these phrases that you come up with. This shows that you have a highly creative mind and such a depth of understanding of the English language that allows you to come up with some very creative metaphors.


*BulletB* Closing remarks: This was another enjoyable read, and it has done a great job in introducing us to Merci.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!


Andy~hating university

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell


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173
173
Review of Hit By Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi nads ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*SuitHeart* I chose to review your item today as part of the February Power Reviewers Review Raid *SuitHeart* .

*BulletB* Title:

The title is attention grabbing in that many people do literally get hit by love. I was intrigued to see where you took this.

*BulletB* First impression:

There is a lot of emotion and power running through your poem.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Although I'm not a fan of free verse, I loved this. Even though it is free verse, your poem flows smoothly (most likely because you use short lines) and I love your choice of words.

I like the comparisons of love with the geological and science phenomena. The raw power of the earth is a great simile for human emotions.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp*Love gushed out like a tornado
swishing and whirling

and

*Starfishb* unaware of the path ahead
Lost in this vortex of emotion


You compare the surge of emotion and love to the physicality of a tornado, and in many respects that is exactly what love feels like. We experience a upsurge of emotion, there is a lot of energy and juice flowing, and quite often it can seem more than we can handle.

*BulletB* Suggestions:

Your poem is written in free verse, but you have a rhyming couplet at the start of the last stanza. It sticks out and I'm not sure if it works or not. You may want to have a look at this.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

Andy~hating university

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174
174
Review of My Secret Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Word Warrior beating cancer!! ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*SuitHeart* I chose to review your item today as part of the February Power Reviewers Review Raid *SuitHeart*

*BulletB* Title:

A nice title for a romance poem, and it fits with the story that unfolds in your poem.

*BulletB* General impressions:

I like the form of the ABC poem, and can forgive its lack of meter and rhyme. This is actually about as close as I get to writing free verse myself.

I love the imagery and the emotion of your poem. I also like how none of the lines sound forced. I've seen before in ABC poems where a line doesn't read right becuase of a bizarre initial word choice.

It is easy to see the couple in your poem, and even though there is no set meter, it does actually flow quite nicely.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp*Gone are all my inhibitions

This is a theme that weaves through the poem. The one person taking the risk, forgetting all their fears and worries, and pursuing the person they desire.

*Starfishb*Kiss me, my secret love,
Love me, as I love you.

Forgive me for saying, but perhaps slightly obvious word choices for K and L given this is a romance poem *Laugh*. However, they work really well as they brings the first tinge of romance to your poem. It is also from these two lines where your poem springboards from.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

Andy~hating university

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175
175
Review of The Snowflake  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ada Skye ,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*SuitHeart* I chose to review your item today as part of the February Power Reviewers Review Raid *SuitHeart*

*BulletB* First impression:

I love how you have focused your poem on an individual flake instead of the whole snowfall.

*BulletB* General impressions:

Although I'm not a fan of free verse, I do like this poem.

You start us off in the cloud and we follow the life of the flake all the way as it falls to earth.

Even though there is no meter to free verse, there is a nice flow here and I love the imagery.

Even the description of the physics of the flake formation has a certain romanticism to it and doesn't sound cold and clinical as I would have expected.

*BulletB* Favourite quotes:

*Starfishp*one moment falling softly down,
the next spinning upward in a cold blast of air
,

This is a lovely visual. In a winter's storm the flakes don't laways fall to the groud, but get caught up in the winds.

*Starfishb*like the fragile snowflake fallen from above I lose myself in heaven’s breath,
melting away with her every touch.


This is very romatic way to end your poem, and I love the comparison.

*BulletB* Suggestions:

I really only have one suggestion and that is to pick some genres for your poem - you can choose up to three. Romance and emotional would be the obvious ones.

Thank you for sharing this item! Please keep on writing!

Andy~hating university

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