*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aprildawn
Review Requests: ON
366 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and critical reviews offered. I look at all components of story-telling: setting, dialogue, characterization, conflict and resolution. I will not generally do a line-by-line edit, though I will point out minor errors. If a piece needs a complete rewrite for grammar and spelling I will tell you so. I do not sugar-coat. I try to be insightful and will offer honest suggestions where I think are necessary.
Favorite Genres
horror, comedy, romance, erotica, drama, emotional
Least Favorite Genres
spiritual or religious
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
1
1
Review of Reason to Believe  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is quite good. The villanelle is a poetic form I love to work with as it is so challenging. You've done a very good job with it here. I also really appreciate the subject matter, the discussion of how vile it is that there is a running commentary from various sources while the actual deadly fires burn, and there are heroes actually fighting and risking their lives while the whole thing becomes politicized. A poem that calls out a society that seems to have the wrong priorities. Well done.
2
2
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
For such a short story, there is actually a lot here. We open with Bella leaving for NYC to pursue her acting career. The first thoughts I had, though somewhat irrelevant, is "how can she afford such a nice apartment in NYC"? Maybe a line devoted to that could help flush out her character. While the character of Ashley was very well developed, I felt I could pick her up at the airport, Bella, our main character, was a little less developed. While she seems likable enough, the only thing we really know about her as a character is that she went to theater school and went to NYC to be an actress. We don't really know anything deeper about her history or her motivations. I think her character could be a little more developed in order for the reader to be more invested in her. As it stands, the reader really only gets to know her as a counterpart to Ashley's devilishness. The character of Alex seems really extraneous. We are just presumed to want him to hook up with Bella because he's the handsome lead, but we don't really know naything about him. Yet in the end she marries him and lives happily ever after. Why does she even want to be with him? We don't know. I would recommend flushing out his character more, or doing away with him altogether.

There is no real attention paid to setting at all. We get a brief description of her apartment, but none of the story really takes place there, so it's kind of irrelevant. (except for the prior mentioned distraction of how she could afford such a place). There is no real descriptions of the theater or the city where the rest of the story takes place. I suggest engaging more of the senses to create more atmosphere.

Dialogue is a strong point in this story. It comes off as realistic and natural and moves the story forward, and helps to flush out the characters.

POV is third-person omniscient and the story is written in the past tense. These remain consistent throughout the story.

Grammar and spelling are excellent. I found no errors in that department. The story reads clearly and has good flow and pacing; it is very well-composed.

The plot: I enjoyed this story, and read happily right along. While I wasn't particularly invested in Bella, I did want to see her succeed, especially over the diabolical Ashley. Although Ashley doesn't seem that smart. Giving Bella bleach to drink seems over the top. If she had succeeded Bella would have immediately known what happened and pressed charges, of course. Ashley is obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed.

A tale of determination and struggle between rivals, it's a classic theme, and holds up. While it isn't the most original plot, certainly there's been many a story told about rival actresses, it doesn't come off as stale. Overall I think it's a very well-written story and was a quick, enjoyable read. It resolves nicely with Bella's success, although the final paragraph listing everything that happened to her later in life seemed a bit much, like a whole bunch of sudden telling vs showing. I think the story can just end with the success of the show. But that's just my opinion.

I think this story is good, and has potential to be great with some attention given to characterization and setting. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm glad you brought it to my attention. Remember my suggestions are only suggestions, of course. Thank you for sharing, keep writing!
3
3
Review of The WISHING WELL  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A lovely poem about tossing a penny in a wishing well. I like your descriptions of the winking penny, a way to go for a young boy or girl. That wishes are not just simply granted, or "free" as you say. And I like your documentation of what wishes really mean and are. The references to kindness, smiles and laughter as the real gifts one could hope for. An uplifting poem, with a rather enchanting tone. Thank you for sharing, keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Frogs and toads.  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
I live in the forest and am inundated with frogs and toads, and I love them all. A well-composed delightful little children's piece, complete with rhymes and nonsense. =) I like how you begin with other tales children would have heard, and relate to your own experience of a child tale-telling in the end. I can picture this almost with illustrations.
5
5
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a lovely poem. I like how the refrain repeats at the beginning of each stanza. In free verse, this poem is an observer, watching someone as they experience a myriad of emotions, though somewhat melancholy in tone as there is a consistent feeling of loneliness and solitude. It is somewhat peaceful in it's tone as well. The ending gives it a sense of the eternal. "Riding on the wings of a bird" is my favorite line, I like the image it evokes. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of The Missing Man  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A tale told in poetic form of a soldier fighting in a war battle. I liked the use of sound in this poem. The repetition of flashes of light. It was quite vivid, and makes the reader feel as though they are there with this young man as he struggles with the idea of potentially sacrificing himself to die in order to kill the enemy. In the end, his life is lost, and we are left with the melancholy emptiness of the final stanza. A poem about war and what it means to fight. This poem is absent of poetic mechanism such as simile or metaphor, but does pack a punch with some of the words choices. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A poem about having worked hard and persevered in life, but with a regret for not having appreciated some of the finer and simpler things in life. The rhyming in this poem is consistent, and it has a perfect flow to it. Reading it aloud it has a consistent rhythm, and an almost sing-song quality that makes it enjoyable to experience. I enjoyed this poem very much, and appreciate the subject matter and word choices you made. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
8
8
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a humorous story about a woman who gets her head stuck in a tiger enclosure at the zoo. A rather slapstick tale. I admit I was not initially hooked by your opening lines. I feel the detailed description of Rachel was not entirely necessary for an opening. Characterization could use some work, there was no real information given about any of the characters, so I didn't feel particularly invested in what happened to Rachel. Also, maybe the tiger could awaken sooner, so that there is some kind of actual tension to the story, a real sense of danger. No attention was paid to the setting of this story at all. All the reader experiences is that they are at a zoo, and the author completely depends on the reader having been to a zoo before to know what it looks like, smells like, etc. Dialogue isn't bad, but is kind of a mess regarding punctuation, with quotes missing, etc. As a matter of fact, grammatically this story is kind of a mess. There is an error to be found, missing words, wrong punctuation, no spaces after commas, etc, in just about every line of this story. I generally try to point them out specifically, but I would have do a line-by-line edit of this whole story to do so. I recommend going back over it with a fine-toothed comb to fix all the errors--they detract from the reading experience. POV was third-person and is consistent. Plot resolves nicely and all is well in the end.

Please note my suggestions are just suggestions. Overall it has potential but needs a lot of work to be a final draft. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of A longing servant  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.0)
A story about a peasant dealing with the aftermath of his beloved master. The plot was fine, though confusing at times. I'm not sure what happened to the master and his companions to cause their death. Nigel the peasant is thinking of a rood tile that fell off and suddenly that somehow makes him want to check on his master, and as the reader, I didn't understand that connection. Also there is the line: "He pinned her to a pillar, "Did you against the master?"" Which I don't get. Did she do what against the master? I'm totally confused about what happened. Then there are heads on pikes. Why? Then the general and his soldiers are going to put Nigel to death, but why? Do they blame him and the other servants somehow for the mysterious death of the master? I feel the plot could be flushed out better.

The opening line of the story is pleasant, but not exactly a hook to draw me into the story. I didn't really begin to feel invested in the happenings of the story until I was about halfway though.

Characterization could be stronger. There is the implications of the relationship between Nigel and the master, but perhaps the drowning memory could come earlier in the story so that I feel more invested in the master's death. I would also like to know a little more about Nigel, so that I am more invested in him.

Dialogue is okay, but a little confusing in places, like in the prior line I mentioned. It could better utilized to move the story forward, and perhaps to offer some more explanations as to what is going on.

There is some attention given to setting in the opening lines, but that's where it ends. You could try engaging more of the senses to give a stronger feel for the desired atmosphere of the piece.

POV was third-person limited from Nigel's perspective. This story has lines that are both present tense and past tense. I would go over it with a fine toothed comb to correct those areas.

Grammar and spelling is good for the most part. This line needs an edit:

then he kicked Nigel to his side and used his steel soles pinned Nigel to the ground. = either to pin Nigel to the ground,or or his steel soles pinned Nigel, either edit would work here.

Overall I think this story has a lot of potential, but I think it could use a bit of polishing. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!
10
10
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I found this to be a very interesting story. You hooked me write away with your opening sentence, which offered tension immediately. A rather sci-fi kind of piece, set in a somewhat futuristic society, it is an observation on a corrupt government, as well as a story of love and loss. I was intrigued by the plot; you evoked a strong sense of curiosity about what was causing all of the deaths. And in the end you did not disappoint with the explanation. The plot resolves nicely.

Setting was pretty good, I definitely got a feel for the somewhat not-too-distant future feel of the environment. Maybe some more of the senses could be a little more engaged just to add to the atmosphere of the story.

Characterization was where I felt the story could use the most improvement. The only thing we know about Carn is that he has a daughter, and the only thing we know about Monikka is that she is dying. If we knew more about these characters, the reader would be even more invested and emotionally affected by the tragic ending of the story.

The dialogue was great, it helped the story along and gave information about what was going in a show vs tell kind of way.

The only grammar issue I saw was the following:
"Too many, but the actually count" = did you mean the actual count?

POV was consistent throughout.

Overall I enjoyed this short story. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!
11
11
Review of Be Like Nature  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem has a very interesting flow to it. I particularly liked reading it aloud. It rhymes in places although it's not in a particular form that I am familiar with, rather the words tumble one after another gaining momentum and the rhyme seems to build with that momentum. A poem about being present in life, and encourages the reader to experience love and be loved. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is an absolutely beautiful poem. It encourages the reader to see water through the eyes of a poet, as a work of art. I could not possibly pick a favorite line from this piece, as every line is so carefully crafted as to be exquisite. It evokes a tone of wonder. Excellent writing. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
13
13
Review of Best Friends  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I just loved this story of friendship and acceptance against seemingly impossible odds. The concept of a lamb and a lion being friends is such an unusual idea, and the concept of acceptance and the animal characters remind me a little of one of Aesop's fables. I was hooked from the first line, as it held a level of tension to it. I was felt fear for Rachel when it became clear the pride was going to confront her. I just love the ending where everything works out. It really is like a little fairy tale, and a heartwarming one at that. I thoroughly enjoyed this little tale. Grammar and everything was good, it was well-written. I really felt for the characters. Perhaps a little more attention could be given to setting. Dialogue flowed easily and naturally. POV was consistent. A charming story. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.5)
A mournful poem of the loss of love. My favorite line is the line that repeats, and is also the title, "you'll always love me yesterday". It has such a nostalgic, sorrowful tone to it. The rhyme in this is good, but flow is a little tricky in one particular line, in my opinion. "To the brightest cerulean clear day skies" has eleven syllables, while all the other lines have eight or nine. It just stunts the flow of the piece, I think. You could just omit a couple words to shorten the line a bit to fix it, if you so desired. Such as "To the brightest cerulean skies". But suggestions are just that, take 'em or leave 'em. =) Overall a good poem. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well that was an unexpected ending to something that is just a prologue! I wasn't anticipating what would happen to the character at the end of this short chapter. I'll be honest, I'm not usually a fan of action/adventure stories, but you did hook my attention right away, which is a good thing. When he decides to continue despite what happened to his friend, I had my curiosity peaked. What happened to his friend? What is so important he would carry on despite what happened? What is the Eye?

I think a little more attention could be given to the setting to improve the sense of atmosphere. Engaging more of the senses than just sight, that is.

The dialogue is necessary, moves the story forward, and carries an ominous weight to it, as it should, given who's speaking.

There isn't a lot of attention given to characterization, which maybe could be worked on a bit, in order for the ending of the prologue to pack even more of a punch. I just don't really know this guy and am not totally invested in him.

Overall, this is very Indiana Jones-like, and I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing, keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice little rhyming poem about the adventure of trying to visit a loved one while dealing with inclement weather. The rhyme in this was well-executed, and it has a good rhythm and flow to it. I enjoyed the descriptions from the very beginning, it painted a good visual and drew me right in. It ends in a rather charming way. The poem has an lighthearted tone to the whole thing, and it was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (3.0)
I must admit, I am a little confused by this piece. I want to talk about the plot, but am unsure what the plot is. Here we have two characters in an orange grove. They are survivors of some sort of outbreak. But then there is a line like: " It would get this far, we knew, and then they’d know we were telling the truth" telling the truth about what? I am unclear as to the purpose of this story, it seems to lack a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Some detail is given to characterization. We do not know the gender of the narrator, I just presumed it was male. The other character has a wooden leg, and has needs that our narrator works to fulfill, such as finding drugs (he's an addict, maybe I guess?) or dealing with people.

You did a good job with setting. In the opening lines I got a good feel for the orange grove. Maybe a couple more sentences could have been devoted to describing the atmosphere of the sorting shed where they are.

There is no dialogue in this story.

POV is first person and consistent.

There were a few errors I found:

offence = offense
did not offend me, not know. = did you mean "not now"?
The smell her seemed to subdue him, = do you mean the smell "here"?

Overall I am intrigued by this story. It does make me want to know more about the characters and this outbreak, and the world you've created for the characters to struggle in. I think ti could use some spit and polish, and maybe, although I understand you are going for flash fiction here, some flushing out of the plot would be helpful to the reader, I believe.

Thanks you for sharing, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of True Friends  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (4.0)
A melancholy piece of free verse that documents the trials and tribulations of war. There were several descriptions in this piece that I felt really brought a somber reality to this piece. There were some really unique turns of phrase I liked, such as "Wounds are treated like insults. Anger is returned." The fourth stanza is my favorite. The descriptions of the marching,the mud like leeches, etc. Good job, keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a funny little story about the attempted collection of a soul by none other than the Grim Reaper. A dialogue between the Reaper and his subject. I found the dialogue to be natural, and quite amusing. I smiled several times while reading this, and found it quite quirky. The plot is interesting. I was drawn right in, and it read smoothly with no errors that I found. The ending was just right.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This poem takes the reader back to an era past. It paints a picture of what was seemingly an ideal time period, but also shows the seedy underbelly of that same time with historical references to unrest. This is a thoughtful free verse poem. My favorite parts of this poem was the blonde/blue . . . line, and the final two lines are fantastic.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Deep Darkness  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A poem about the loss of a relationship due to some transgression that leaves the author burdened with guilt. The constant metaphor of floating on the ocean with all that comes with it, including that beast below the waves, is all very powerful. This author really has a talent for bringing a poem to life, filling it with senses of touch and taste and sound. An emotionally stirring poem of grief and regret.
22
22
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A delightful free verse poem that takes the reader on a roller coaster ride through the carnival experience. I really appreciate how you engaged all five senses. The imagery was so vivid I felt like I was there, right along with you, ready for the next ride. I think you picked out the best lines for your title, I really like those particular lines. Overall a totally immersive experience to read. Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
for entry "Facing the Shadows
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A powerful free verse poem about observing an oncoming death. The patient in this poem is treated with tenderness in the author's observations. The observer has a tone of acceptance, despite the sorrowful melody of this poem. It's quite somber and beautiful. It invites the reader into this quiet moment, and challenges the reader to feel that acceptance of death.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of A Ghost of Myself  
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful, haunting free verse poem. It begins with an image of the authors father, with acute observation of his softness despite his hard work--a desire to do good work or else be undervalued. The poem then moves to a reflection of the author himself, as he offers himself sound advice. But it is left with a rejection of those suggestions, leaving the poem with something of a mournful tone. It's like being able to see what is right and what should be understood, but being unwilling or unable to partake of what is necessary to thrive. I love the turns of phrase and visuals in this poem.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by jabberwocky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this tribute to the wonders of winter. It's been many years since I was anywhere with snow, but this poem brought me back to my childhood in Colorado in a delightful way. I love all the imagery, I could envision the trees laden with snow, I particularly liked the description of the icicle. The rhyme is great in this although not in a traditional rhyme scheme. You did a lovely job with the acrostic, and combining that form with the rhyme must have been challenging. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
188 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aprildawn