I feel your pain in this poem and wonder if the whole world doesn't feel the same way. I liked the way you used the words in the poem which could almost be a song with a little work.
I noticed in your bio that you were not very happy right now but you didn't understand. Don't let yourself get to far into not very happy or you'll find yourself depressed. I've been there for a long time.
I won 3rd place in a poetry contest. I haven't written but about 5 poems in my life. It's item # 1070193. Check it out when you have a chance.
I really loved this piece. You made me use all my senses in your writing except taste and I could use that one as well because when I'm walking some where and I smell burning leaves I can taste them also. My creative writing teacher always said to use all the senses when writing a piece.
I saw one thing I would change wanted to take some pictures of the old Bed & Breakfast I was staying in
I loved this especially for the uniqueness of it! How did you come up with this piece? You've created a new Genre haven't you? I look forward to reading more of your work.
I wanted to extend a personal thanks (that's where I found the link to your port) for giving the wonderful, Gabriellar the creativity merit badge. She deserves one and more for over the top helping status. She also doesn't know the talent she has. Did she enter a poetry contest? I've been begging her to enter her poem about her Dad's death. If I can win for my poem and I am certainly not a poet. I just tried. She can win first place.
Take care. Keep writing. I hope you visit my port soon.
I found the subject of your work to be a very good one. We need for people to write this type of genre to expose people who take religion and other things to an extreme that is not acceptable.
First thing is that you really need to do a spell check. I know society is spelled wrong and hypocrite may be spelled wrong. You do want those things to be right or the reader will not want to continue reading what I know could be a good piece.
Keep writing. Just rewrite, review, rewrite, review...it's an ongoing process.
Oh, if you can take it I'll dish it out. This was absolutly perfect to me. I loved the details, the way you felt, the sight, the sounds...I think the only sense you left out was the sense of smell. Actually I was taught this in a creative writing class that you should try and use all the senses in your work but in this case with all the details I can imagine the scent.
The way you pulled every thing together at the end was wonderful. How did you find out what your dreams meant?
You need to send this poem to the poem of the month contest because it does deal with their theme this month...emotions. I'm entering mine. It's about my daughter Kim. Item # 1048231.
I live below that line and it is very hard. Your poem conveys this fact so well. Yes, there is hope but it is hard to come by when circumstances put you where you are and try to keep you there! I had a great job and made great money until my husband got hurt in the coalmines! Then hurt in a car accident which cause me to loose the job. I then had to take care of him now it's my Mom. I some times want to scream to the top of my lungs "When is it going to be my time" and God says, "In My time not yours."
Thanks for sharing this poem. I read it at just the right time!
Diane
That's really a great piece, Devin and I can understand your feelings by what you have written. I like the way you compare your feelings with symbols like a barren coalmine, land after a war, and a horse without a mate. The writing was great but may I offer just a little advice. The grass may be greener over the septic tank but you still have to mow it.
Diane
Very deep and oh, so good. I can imagine all kinds of images coming up in my brain through this piece of writing. The way you play with words is so astounding. I love the way you describe the rain and the sound of it in the gutters. I love storms and often compare them to what I'm writing.
We rarely have snow in Alabama. I miss that about Michigan some times. One day last week we had snow. I just stood outside, my arms spread apart, looking to the sky with my mouth open tasting the flakes on my lips. UMMMMMM
Diane
I really liked this. It brought out so much sadness. It's so awful that we can say ourselfs but not others. In fact it is the younger ones that are harder to save or even thoses closest to us. I remember on "A River Runs Through It" the Father of the family and church couldn't save his such! He said it is those we love the most that we loose. In your poem it shows all to clear that it is her that she doesn't forgive and you did it so well. Please keep writing. Reading and reviewing too. I just wrote a poem about my daughter if you'd like to review it.
Take care Diane
A very good start. I would like to see a little more images in the poem. Like how the Mother looks, what the hospital room looks like, how does the children respond, and what if at all does she say? I do like the way you bring all the friends and family together and compare it to your own Mother.
Diane
Keep writing. Like my creative writing teacher said, "REWRITE, REWRITE, REWRITE."
That was so beautiful. I can think of nothing as painful as losing a child. I remember when my own children slept at night I would make them sleep with me because I wanted to watch their breathing. I pray that you have peace in your heart because one day you will meet him again where he has no pain and your heartache is gone.
I would expand on this piece of writing and try and either make a book for parents who are going through this to help them or I would write a book for children that would help them understand. I know it would be hard but I think it is in writing that we heal.
I really loved this and it reminded me of the Ghetto. I lived there for 17 years and you painted such a true picture of what it's like. People don't realize that people live in such cruel circumstances but those that survive it come out so strong and better for it.
Keep writing because these are things that people need to hear. I wrote some thing about the ghetto in my port. I wish you would read it.
Thanks,
Diane
I loved this poem and what a tribute to your Father as he was passing from this world into the next. You are very good with writing. Usually someone that teaches, loves to hike, and take pictures is creative and you are that so accomplished!
Keep writing and enjoy your time on writing.com. I invite you to look at the group "Silent Helper's" and review some of the work. You'll find a loving community there!
I wonder if Las Angelas means Lost Angels? It seems that way in your writing. It meant a lot to me to hear your thoughts. Dreamers trying to make them come alive right in front of your eyes. I wonder what it must be like. Your word selection was good. It flowed very well.
Where foreingers like us come to stay
Your second word is this sentence is spelled wrong.
Keep writing. LA seems the place to do it. By the way, I went to California a couple of years ago, San Jose. We also went to Disney Land. I was expecting paradise but the only paradise was what was watered.
I love dogs. My friend, Wayne who has been totaling parlized from the waist down has two dachshunds! He loves them so much. They've had back surgery which sent him back nearly $1,000 or more. He has two doggie size beautiful caskets for them when they pass away. I love Jack Russel Terriers and Rat Terriers. Please read My Precious Jewell. You'll like it. I love any stories about dogs and this is one of the best ones I've read in a long, long, time. Keep up the writing. I've wondered about writing a pet book.
Diane
I really like the feel of this poem and reconize the pain in writing. Are they going to like it and give a good review? Should I read it again and again to make sure it is prefected or would it be better in a non protective state of being. Poetry is hard with its twists and turns. Its imabic petameter. It's ryhme and reason or no resoning at all. I like your poem because I'm sure you broke some rules. It's in those kind of poems that my heart breaks and it is in yours that I find love!
Diane
I really long for those days of when my husband and I first fell in love. This poem captures it and makes me think of brighter days. We danced in front of my Aunt and Mother. It made them smile but it has been so very long since we've even touched much less dance. Thanks for making me feel young again.
Diane
Good job! It made me feel again what I needed to feel years ago. You did a great job with words. There isn't very many writings that make me want to step back in time but this did. I remember how important it was to look and feel my very best for my sweetie who is now my husband of neary 27 long years.
Keep writing! Can't wait to read some of the scary stuff.
I love this! It is so much like our lives are this day and time. Too much too fast. What will stop it? I ask that questions many times when I had Office Manager at a busy camp and conference center for the Episcopal church. My husband had an accident and the story goes on and on and on.
I don't have one of those days I have one of those lives!
This was a very smart thing to do so that people would feel comfortable with every thing they write and put on the sight. You did a good job telling them and welcoming them even though their writing is different. I used to be so involved with serial killers that my English/speech instructor had it cout with my English instructor. I told you
I can see that all of these articles are going to be so helpful in my scrapbooking process. One thing I need to do though my supplies and organize them. Mother will be going to the hospital for a two day stay. I am going to be with her in the hospitals so I'll be great to put my stuff in my huge backpack and scrapbook while I am gone. I'll have to do well to get me to continue. Help when you can!
Thanks,
Diane
I love this article because so many don't know that the less money you spend on a scrapbbok the more creative it becomes. I joined a scrapbook club and got the book Scrapbooking on a Budget. They have so many ideas!Believe it or not my first scrapbook was "The Howard Family of Dogs." My Mom is living with us now and she watched on as I wanted to make the perfect cover. I did but it was upside down! I just got a cabinet opener and attached it so that it would open. Every one thought it was a pretty good idea.
I think you meant to put hand in this sentence. I really liked this piece. It talked to me because I feel the same feelings. Depression is so hard. No knowing. Not being about to cry or laugh. It's just like feeling very numb. Come and look at a couple of groups I've joined. One of them is "The Silent Helper's Corner" and the other is "Depression and Mental Illness." Both help a lot in reading their writing.
Be Diane....you keep writing
I would only make the change of breaking up the poem into pieces. Like the first part 4 sentences, then the second. Using the phase you use "To tell you a thousand times." Other than that the piece makes a reader want to more about the grandmother. What did she look like? Was she strong? Her personality? What made you love her so? There's some questions left unaswered that makes the reader want more.
BeDiane
I liked the images that I get from this; I am a tree lover. Always trying to capture the perfect picture of a tree. I'm the crazy one that will take a picture of the same tree in the autumn like 20 days in a row trying to capture the beauty of the tree losing it's leave.
I really can see every thing so clearly in the poem. Your wording is done so well so keep it up. Your writing is good!
BeDiane
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