How you started this first chapter, "Is this all there is to life" he thought. He'd never once wished harm toward a single soul, yet there he sat full of sour gloom in the waning daylight. Great writing. That should be how you start this story. Forget all about that wind stuff or add it later on in the story at some point.
In the second paragraph you have the sentence, When it snaps, it falls aiming to crush something. I think it does not need to be there at all. It takes away from the overall view of the parargraph.
You are a great writer and you have talent. Maybe more editing needs to be done to this piece? BUT! I do like what you wrote and I am looking forward to reading the entire story when you have it done. Please publish this! Keep on writng! Jeff
Athena, was one or both of your parents in the military? I get that feeling. Or perhaps you were? I am a vetern and your story brought tears to the eyes of this old jarhead. You have a gift for writing. Kepp it up! Jeff
Great story. Reminds of Dan Brown novels, which i really like. I want to read the intire story when you are finished with it. I hope you have plans for publishing. Keep on writing! jeff
Not a bad job here Nicole. It is a good story. The only problem I had with it and it is not a large one. Her death scene should have been at the beginning and then have her wake up in the coffin. Otherwise I liked it very much. You have talent.Keep on writing! Jeff
Where did this take place? City? State? Would have made it more realistic. The basics of the story is good and I understand it was written for Writers Cramp. Have you thought of expanding this story into something longer? Then you could explain how each member of the group found the others. I did like. In fact read it twice. Keep on writing! Jeff
Is there any truth to this story? You wrote as if from experience. Maybe not your own, but maybe someone close to you. You started out a little slow and it took me til I was a quarter of the way through to get into the story. Then it was enjoyable to read. How long have you been writing? If you can not grip your reader in the first or second paragraph. Publishers will toss it into the trash. I know from my own experience. Keep on writing! You have raw talent. Jeff
Nice. Would like to see more of this story line. How did the visitors get there? When? Are they all friendly? Otherwise you did a good job.Keep on writing? Jeff
Very nicely done. Growing up I had three friends who Spunky, Soupy and Stevie remind me of. The way you move from childhood to old age in the story and keep it flowing is well done. Keep on writing! Jeff
Loved every word of it. Then again I am into Dragons. Please, please continue this tale. It needs to be told. I want to read what happens next. Very good job. Keep on writing! Jeff
I love alternative universes such as you used here. Interesting concept- Custer surviving the Little Big Horn Battle. I would like to read further into this story line. Keep on writing!
Great story line. You take the reader and drag him or her into the story and hold them until the very end. I liked it very much. Makes you wonder what you would have done if you found yourself in that situation? Here's a thought for you. Have you ever wondered if our reality is someone elses dreams? Keep on writing!
George, George. George. You out did yourself this time. Both egde of your seat and funny at times as well. What Gunner said to Barney Fife about the old Nickster had me on the floor rolling after he shot him. very nicely done. Keep on writing.
Great job George. You held me to the edge of my seat waiting to see what happened next. Keep up the good work. Your story makes me want to take a trip across the Bridge.
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