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348 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a serious reviewer, which is why I charge so much. I won't waste your time. I focus on consistency and content, utilizing a review template that breaks down the basic elements of; perspective, verb tense, ambiance, location, transition, plot development, and characterization.
I'm good at...
Breaking down the elements of your story and giving you specific items to focus on.
Favorite Genres
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Least Favorite Genres
Adult; Biography; Articles; Cultural; Non-Fiction; How To; Research
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Short Story; Chapter; Draft; Novel; Novella; Sample; Serial
I will not review...
Anything Non-Fiction
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello anujmathur Thank you for the review request. I hope you find some comments helpful.

Summary
Initial Thoughts: Nice story description. It made me think of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Strengths: Plot Flow, Ambiance, Speed- nothing bogs down plot flow, World-building - this new world opens up after we get interested not before *Thumbsup*
Weaknesses: Scene settings, Speed- conflict is a part of plot flow, there are conflicts when Vik fails to get what he wants, but the dialogue-only scenes skips past them
Ending Thoughts: I liked it, definite page turner, but the POV flips near the end of the chapter threw me off

*Pencil**Pencil*Style *Pencil**Pencil*
*Pencil*This story begins in the third person-omniscient point of view, simple past tense. As the story picks up, it's clear that Vik is the main focus, meaning that the story really isn't third person-omniscient but third person-limited. The first sentence throws us off; see Line-by-Line

*Clapper**Clapper*Setting *Clapper**Clapper*
*Clapper*Vik's happy-go-lucky attitude seeps into the pages. It's awesome. We have a vested interest in his success but know in the back of our minds that he's going to crash and burn. We can;t wait to see it happen and if it crushes his dreams or not. Well done.

*Earth*Our opening scene location is implied with good dialogue. However, the reader must do a lot of work to "see" the implied restaurant. There are ways to give us more info without bogging down your dialogue. Is it crowded? are people squeezing between the two men as they talk. Does they have to shout at each other because the atmosphere is noisy, or maybe it's a high scale joint and the manager tries to shush our eager writer. Does the manager snap his fingers to summon burly men in three piece suits or does he yell for two beefcakes in too-small t-shirts stained with grease and beer? Just a hint or two, splashed in with the strong dialogue would help the reader "see."

*Car* Modes of transport from scene are easy to comprehend. There are some jumps from scene to scene, but they are easy for the reader to discern. The problem is whether or not you want to the reader using valuable processing power discerning how he got from point to point.

*Hourglass*Plot *Hourglass*
*Key*Initial Goal: This is a good bit of work here. You showed us Vik's ambitions, made him fail, forced him to assess the situation, and made his movements take him to the next goal. For some reason, a lot of us miss this important step.

*Person**People*Characters *Person**People*
*People* Restaurant Manager(s) (Yes, both of them): I know, I know. He's only a bit character. But small character's need a little love too. We don't know what he looks like nor what his motivations are. We can get by with one or the other since his part is so small. Maybe the restaurant is crowded and he wants to get back to working with his real customers. Maybe he has a snobbish, upturned nose that he sticks in the air while talking to give the appearance of looking down at someone.

*People* Vikram: Awesome name, great introductory dialogue that seeps with his wistful personality. (Very Arthur Dent-ish) The only thing missing is a history. What brought him to this scheme of making money as a writer (HA!)

*People*Ceasar: We can't "see" him. He needs more love than the managers but gets less.

*People* Morphy: Good work with this character. It seems as if he's more interesting than the main character

*Writing*The Line by Line *Writing*


...restaurant manager to the eager gentleman. Absolutely nothing wrong with this sentence, but leading off with the manager will make a reader think that his point of view is the one we should focus on.

“I’m afraid... I’m going!” Great dialogue sequence. The so-called experts might ding you on the lack of setting. We don't "see" much. It still worked for me as a reader though, and did a great job of pulling me into the story. Although, it would be nice to know if Arthur... I mean Vik was standing or sitting during the scene.

...one?” he asked... this reads like a repeat; the "he asked" is implied by the question mark.

...out!” screamed... Again, the ! implies screaming. It reads like a repeat because our brain already imagines him screaming.

As he walked away,... I loved this paragraph. I had tears in my eyes laughing at his big dreams. it seemed so- familiar to when I first put pen to paper. How hard could this be?

...saw a “Kitchen Help Wanted” sign on one such window. “Kitchen Help Wanted” it said. "They" will nit-pick about signs not being able to speak. Just trust your reviewer on this one.

...his kitchen.
“I hope...
Time jumps are cool, but I suggest warning the reader in some way. Some people like to double the space between paragraphs. Some just say, "some time later...so and so did this..."

“I hope you have... The boiled egg bit was hilarious. The only suggestion I have for this part is to somehow convey his... his... honest earnestness somehow. Show the reader that he's actually serious with his answers.

"...him in.” the voice... What kind of voice? Help us see the invisible man behind the curtain... so to speak...

"...you’re unsuitable...” the manager was interrupted midway by a voice from behind the kitchen door.
”Send him in.” the a voice from behind the kitchen door interrupted said.
This is an "order of events" thing. This suggestion will make the voice actually interrupt the manager, instead of the "narrator."

...a Chef's hat... This is the second time I've seen it. Why is the C capitalized?

...strode out towards... You meant "in" right? He's walking in the kitchen.

...see a man... What kind of man; short, stumpy, long, lean, muscled, chiseled, old, frail, impish, dwarfish, gigantic... I could do this all day, but you get my point, what's his first impression of this- man?

Vikram scrutinised the... I liked this paragraph. Many will hit you on the passive verbs used, but passive words are like salt; a little to taste is fine as long as it doesn't overpower the meal. I'm only pointing this out to warn you ahead of time. There's nothing wrong with this!

...he staff?” Vikram inquired... I'm not sure if the Queen spells that with an e or an i. I noticed you using the Queen's English throughout the story. Also, although this dialogue was great, we need to somehow link it to his initial mission. Perhaps the lack of staff makes him question the authenticity of this so-called chef... or Chef. Without that link, this is just filler material (Which it isn't, because it leads to the next action(s)).

CaesarVikram thought for a moment, decided....

Caesar heard the...This POV shift seems like you did it on purpose. If so, then we need something to break us from Vik to Caesar, making a double space, maybe those **** thingies. As a reader, I didn't really care for it. I like Vik, and wanted to experience things from his POV. I know nothing about Caesar, not even what he looks like.

...and waited patiently as...Another POV shift, this time to a character we've never seen before.

“It all started on... This was some good work, but the POV stuff before it made the work less powerful. I had to untangle that bit before realizing that Vik had control again and THEN get into this dialogue.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Joshiahis
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work.
Also, you did a great job reviewing "A Wasted Life for me, and I had to return the review! (a review for a review, imagine that!)


*Pencil**Pencil*Style: POV, Verb Tense, Referencing *Pencil**Pencil*
*Pencil*This story begins in the third person point of view, simple past tense and holds true throughout the story. POV shifts are easy to detect within the first sentence. there is a moment during Kayla's POV when it seems as if she sees her father even though she's comatose. The power of the moment gets lost as the reader tries to decipher who has the POV. Kayla can't shift from lucid to comatose then back again, so who's in charge when David and Marcy are telling their daughter to come back?

*Clapper**Clapper*Setting: Ambiance, Locale, & Transition*Clapper**Clapper*
*Clapper*
*Earth*Awesome setup; two words, autumn wind, told through action, sets up the world around our heroine.
*Car*Clear transitions from scene to scene with clear passages of time from each location. No complaints here!

*Hourglass*Plot: Goal, Conflict, Disaster, Reaction, Dilemma, Resolution*Hourglass*
*Key*We have a simple goal starting us out, with some minor conflicts and then BAM! an out of the ordinary disaster turns the story on its head. Conversation drives us from the initial disaster to another problem, exposing severe character flaws within our heroine, and tough battles ahead. The plot makes us want to read more, and it all started with some broken eggs. well done! *Thumbsup*

*Person**People*Characters: Physical Traits, Personality, History*Person**People*
*People*Marcy Donovan: Action shows us what she's wearing. Emotion shows us what she's feeling- even her flaws. We like heroes with problems!
*People*David: Strong dialogue shows us the relationship between David and Marcy. It's one thing to say, she called the husband, quite another to allow us to see how they feel for one another through a simple phone call.
*People*Ameilia: She's not there, but we feel the strong connection between the heroine and this character.
*People*Kayla: This character shows us Marcy's character flaws. Relationships is a powerful weapon used in this story to bring these people to life. Everyone "feels" real. There is history, but it doesn't bog down the story.
*People*Dancer:Bit characters, even animals, need some lovin' too. What does (s)he look like?
*People*Shadow: Great work with this animal. He was easy to see through Kayla's POV.

*Bookstack*Reviewer's Opinion:*Bookstack*
*Writing*The Line by Line*Writing*

Available for the members of the RR Crew to use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Mary-Ann  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for requesting a review from me. I hope it's helpful to your goal.

*Pencil**Pencil*Style: POV, Verb Tense, Referencing *Pencil**Pencil*
*Pencil*This story begins in the first person point of view, simple past tense. For the most part, this story sticks to the POV and verb tense. We infrequently run into slips up that use the past perfect tense. Passive words are easy identifiers; had been, was, etc. Rewriting sentences with these verbs would fix the shifts. There are some referencing issues, stuff happening that the character talks about shouldn't see or say. I was five... is the first example. Who is she talking to when she says this? She wouldn't tell herself that she was five.

*Clapper**Clapper*Setting: Ambiance, Locale, & Transition*Clapper**Clapper*
*Clapper*Our heroine's nonchalance helps set the mood of the story. Just a normal highschooler (who talks to her reflection as if its a another person) trying to get by!
*Earth*Dialogue helps drive the scenes. We see things as the character sees them, fitting the POV. We don't need long explanation about stuff she isn't looking at. *Thumbsup*
*Car*Scene transitions are crisp, with clear units of time to help us understand where we are and enough details to show us how we got there. *Thumbsup*

*Hourglass*Plot: Goal, Conflict, Disaster, Reaction, Dilemma, Resolution*Hourglass*
*Key*We start out with a flashback instead of the actual story. it takes some time to get to the plot. When we get to the "present" we have a clear goal and some initial conflict. The initial disaster seems minor, but it forces the reader to press on. however, the weird reflection doesn't cause our heroine to reassess her position. Should this phenomenon cause her to cancel going out? We need a reason to go from the bathroom to the truck, to stick this night out with Carol. The conflict between her and Chase presents another disaster in waiting if presented properly. What makes her tough out his insults rather than abandoning the plan all together? The same with Liam's house. Her initial trepidation goes unresolved. Why does she feel that way? What makes her ignore it and continue with the plan? This is a common occurrence with all of the minor plot conflicts, disasters given too little weight on her actions, the lack of internal struggle with tough decisions, and the rationale to press onward in spite of the problems. One prime example is the makeup disaster. Here she is, finally dancing with the boy she likes and she feels something running down her face. When she examines her finger after touching it, BAM! How does she feel about losing the magic of the moment? Does she continue dancing or flee in embarrassment? How will each action affect her plans with Tristan? Which of the two bad choices does she decide upon? Each disaster should ask questions like these. Her journey to the bathroom will become the the resolution, leading to the next goal and the train pushes forward to the next disaster (Mary Ann gets real), reaction (shock), dilemma, resolution... The climax of the story was, in a word, AWESOME.

*Person**People*Characters: Physical Traits, Personality, History*Person**People*
*People*Carol: Carol's history is rich, and feels real. However, the history is portrayed in one long flashback that takes up the first third of the story. It was clever to use the mirrors to show us what she looks like. (a great first person device to show us the heroine)
*People*Mary Ann: She gets a clever introduction, shown rather than told. *Thumbsup* The reader "sees" Carol talking to a mirror.
*People*Mommy: See gets a minor role during the flashback. We don't learn anything that separates her from normal moms.
*People*Tommy: Minor characters need love too. If you mention them, we should see something. This guy is so minor that you could remove the name and the event keeps the same power over her history.
*People*Andrea: She gets a lot of dialogue, but not much attention to her mannerisms or looks or history. What's her relationship to Carol? What's her motivations and desires, and show does it affect their interactions?
*People*Tristan: What initial thought does Carol have when his name is mentioned? This one thought will go a long way into establishing the groundwork of future conflicts. Again, when they first meet, what's the first one-word thought that comes to mind. As their dialogue press on, her reactions do a great job of showing us this character.
*People*Chase: The reader can imply that Andrea and Chase are in a relationship through the dialogue. The introduction, "Chase was... stops the plot flow and seems redundant. Making her annoyance a reaction when she first sees him rather than explanation, would give this part of the story a bigger punch... more conflict to pile a top the fire! We don't "see" what he looks like. There are opportunities to show us this guy, what color are his eyes when he glares at Carol? What do his hands look like when he pats the steering wheel?
*People*Scott: Who the heck is this? Where did he come from?

*Bookstack*Reviewer's Opinion:*Bookstack*
*Writing*The Line by Line*Writing*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello HuntersMoon , I saw this story featured in "For Authors Newsletter (October 9, 2013) and decided to leave a review.


*Pencil*Style:*Pencil*
*Pencil*POV, Verb Tense*Pencil*

*Pencil*This story begins in the third person point of view, simple past tense.

*Clapper*Setting:*Clapper*
*Clapper*Ambiance, Locale, & Transition*Clapper*

*Clapper*The suffering of our hero sets the tone for this piece with a few well placed words...swollen eyes...a need for warmth... chapped lips..thirst...solitude...grief*Thumbsup*
*Clapper*Realistic use of terrain, ambushes, and the native tongue brought us to this nation with the soldier without the writer having to tell us that he was in Afghanistan.*Thumbsup*
*Hourglass*Plot:*Hourglass*
*Key*Goal, Conflict, Disaster, Reaction, Dilemma, Resolution*Key*

*Key*We have a clear goal, a lone soldier trying to find his way home with enemies all around, and a bad leg besides. The story follows all the rules of plot flow (and left me misty eyed as manness started leaking out of eyes when the story ended)

*People*Characters*People*
*People*Physical Traits, Personality, History*People*

*People*Nice job using his own thoughts to give us history, making him feel real, and making his actions at sunrise seem more desperate.
*Bookstack*Reviewer's Opinion:*Bookstack*

*Bookstack*Does anyone else freak out when reviewing mods? I know I do
*Bookstack*... he idly wondered. You already let the reader know that italics signified idle thoughts. This seemed out of place.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lesley Scott Thank you for the review of "A Thief's Honor. I wanted to return the favor and review some of your work.


*Pencil**Pencil**Pencil*Style:*Pencil**Pencil**Pencil*
*Pencil**Pencil*POV, Verb Tense*Pencil**Pencil*


*Pencil*This story begins in the omniscient point of view and remains true throughout the story. Good job.
*Pencil*This story begins in the simple present tense but immediately dips into the past perfect tense. The story remains trues to the past perfect after the initial error.


*Clapper**Clapper**Clapper*Setting:*Clapper**Clapper**Clapper*
*Clapper*Ambiance, Locale, & Transition*Clapper*


*Clapper*The reader starts out with a feeling of anticipation- new life! adventures! all that happy stuff! With a few well placed words, the narrator sets a great tone. Then we get depressed when we meet the mother. Some people may not appreciate that, but I found that the emotional investment is a great way to interest readers.


*Hourglass**Hourglass**Hourglass*Plot:*Hourglass**Hourglass**Hourglass*
*Key*Goal, Conflict, Disaster, Reaction, Dilemma, Resolution*Key*

*Key*We get the hint of a failed goal when the narrator mentions failed breeding techniques, but without the expansion of those failures, it leaves the reader hung out to dry. We want this foal to be special... expanding on those failures makes the story of Top hat and his dear ole mum more interesting. (It gives the reader insight as to why you would invest so much energy into an old nag almost dead.)


*Angry**Bigsmile**Blush*Characterization:*Confused**Cool**Cry*
*People*Physical Traits, Personality, History*People*


*People*We see Top hat and his dear ole mum Buckshot very well...I especially liked "...bone rack full of worms..." Disgusting, yet descriptive; showing us the pony while pissing us off making us angry at its condition. We saw Top hat come alive with short glimpses into his nature. Well done.

*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*Reviewer's Opinion:*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*


*Bookstack*This was a hard review for me. Non-fiction is tough, but I thought it was a great story. It is filled with spaces to expand upon the story. I'd like to see a bigger story.

*Writing**Writing**Writing*The Line by Line*Writing**Writing**Writing*


Odd...I saw no errors.. A+!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Joshiahis
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Erich Gray Thank you for the review of "Legacy. I wanted to return the favor and review some of your work.


*Pencil**Pencil**Pencil*Style:*Pencil**Pencil**Pencil*

*Pencil*This story begins in the omniscient point of view, simple past tense. As the story builds up, it loses that omniscient feeling and dips into the third person POV, focusing more on the prince and his feelings. This POV fleshes out the story and gives the reader a bigger investment into your protagonist, but the POV shift is noticeable- and distracting. I use this link to keep me honest; http://www.learner.org/interactives/literature/rea...
There are also slips into the past perfect tense throughout the story, usually with inclusion of the words "was" or "had." rewriting these sentences without the those passive words would fix this issue.And yes, I've got a link for that too. https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/01...
Also, I use this very old form after I'm done writing to critique myself."Expanded Power Revision Checklist.

*Clapper**Clapper**Clapper*Setting:*Clapper**Clapper**Clapper*

*Clapper*AMBIANCE:The narrator did an excellent job of opening the story up in this newly created world. It felt eerie, desolate, cold- without the narrator having to go into mundane details. Excellent job.
*Clapper*LOCATION:As with the ambiance, a few well placed notes gives us the initial location without bogging down the story.
*Clapper*TRANSITION:The narrator does an excellent job of showing us time/locale transitions as we jump from scene to scene.

*Hourglass**Hourglass**Hourglass*Plot:*Hourglass**Hourglass**Hourglass*

*Key2*The setting overpowers the introduction and leaves us hungry for a goal, for conflict and tough decision. The prince's reluctance to take the throne was a great introduction, but the conflict is magically resolved as the prince forcefully takes the throne- contrary to the personality we've been given.
*Key2*A good story transitions from goal to goal with each goal having it's own conflict, disaster, reaction, dilemma, and resolution. It's a tough dance to follow, but it makes for powerful writing. You've done a great job of weaving these elements into a great story.
*Key*A reluctant prince avenges his father's death by battling the Gods who unleashed a dreadful plague. Sounds great doesn't it! It's one heck of an intro, it just takes us a long time to get there.

*Angry**Bigsmile**Blush*Characterization:*Confused**Cool**Cry*

*People*PHYSICAL TRAITS:The minor characters need time to shine too. Who is the Chief Servant, Chief Priest, and the Oracle? they may not be important to the story, but they seem important to your new world's government.
*People*PERSONALITY:Minor characters need luvin' too...again...What does they look like? Do they cower before the prince's mighty anger? Are they sullen for having to take orders from some spoiled brat?
*People*HISTORY:Unlike the setting, the protagonist's history feels like backstory, with no place within the action of the tale. The reader is forced to stop and allow the narrator to tell us all the details about the prince before we can get on with the real story. This is an easy fix, show us more of how the prince feels about his father's death. Is he angry/resentful/afraid that he, a warrior must see to the affairs of state? Or you can delete everything after "The Prince was not normally..." and begin with his despair and the story will not lose any of its power.

*Books3**Books4*Referencing:*Books4**Books2*

*Bookstack*The priests quickly entered the royal chambers and the Chief Priest... The Prince summons one man yet many show up. Is this a type-o or a referencing error. If a referencing error, the show us the Chief Priest with his flock of lackeys.
*Bookstack*
*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*Reviewer's Opinion:*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*

*Bookstack*We've got a good story here, but the grammar errors overpower it. I normally ignore this stuff and let the other WDCer's point it out, but the errors are noticeable.

The Line by Line


...upon a windowsill of...of Throckmire, cawed a lonely...
Without this verb change, the sentence is a fragment.
...was lying strickend with...
...against the stonewalls of the...
...prince anxiously asked in a subtle but angry...
...ignoring the wisdom of the wise...
...dare you and the oracles.!!
" Don't let punctuations tell the reader. Show us his anger with mannerisms.
...this plague that's upon...
...began laughing hysterically.
The now nervous priest, rubbing his neck.{/c]
Sentence Fragment
...priest solemnly bowing...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Chieftain Lands  
Review by Joshiahis
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello kbot Thank you for the review of "Legacy . I wanted to return the favor and review some of your work.


*Pencil**Pencil**Pencil*Style:*Pencil**Pencil**Pencil*

*Pencil*This story begins in the omniscient point of view and remains so throughout the story. Focus transitions between characters are easy for the reader to follow.
*Pencil*This story begins in the simple past tense with some dips to the past perfect tense, which leads to that pesky "passive voice" use. Check this out; "Expanded Power Revision Checklist and see if this helps you get rid of that passive voice.

*Clapper**Clapper**Clapper*Setting:*Clapper**Clapper**Clapper*

*Clapper*AMBIANCE:The opening conversation and the detail littered through it gives the reader a feel for the somber surroundings.
*Clapper*LOCATION:As with the ambiance, we see the area beneath the Grey Mountains well.
*Clapper*TRANSITION:The scene flows well as the duo approach the meeting. Good job.

*Hourglass**Hourglass**Hourglass*Plot:*Hourglass**Hourglass**Hourglass*

*Key*GOAL:This is not easily apparent at the introduction of the story. Because of the POV, and the early focus shifts between chief and king, the reader can be confused about who is actually the real hero. The true goal is late in coming. *Key*There are two main goals fighting for dominance; the continuation of the chief's bloodline and the tribe's journey after losing a battle. It is hard to pick one with the POV you've chosen, but without a choice, the anguish near the end of the story will lose its power to move the reader. *Key* As the story unfolds, we recognize why the king seemed so interested in the girl earlier. You did a clever job hiding that plot twist. However, without the build up, the reader has little vested interest in it. We focus on the journey up the mountain, not this issue until much too late in the story.
*Worry*CONFLICT: There is not tension until the meeting starts. However, this tension is "naked" because the initial goal isn't clear until after the meeting. Perhaps allowing the narrator to peek inside the chief's mind to give us a clue about his plans- and the trepidation about giving it to the people. The same technique would work for the King. As the all mighty narrator, you can show us the different goals within the minds of the two men, giving the reader some character driven build up before it blows up in their faces.
*Lightning*DISASTER:A good plot always includes disasters that force the character(s) to suffer and react to this new dilemma. The "choice" was a good disaster. The loss of the King was a mighty disaster that took a back seat to the chief's problems. Is there a way to expand upon this spiritual war that he lost?
*Angry*REACTION:Muted. Show us more futility, failure, pain, rage, disbelief in order to give the reader something to chew on.
*Sad*DILEMMA: Good plot resolution needs a mulling over period. Where the ones involved stew over horrible choices and make due with the lesser of two evils.
*Inlove*RESOLUTION:The ending seemed... easy for the people involved. The narrator doesn't show us how much the decision hurt and cost the two men.

*Angry**Bigsmile**Blush*Characterization:*Confused**Cool**Cry*

*People*PHYSICAL TRAITS: The introduction gives the reader an open ended interpretation of this mysterious hero with many faces. When the scene opens up, the narrator gives us a clear picture of the King's face and clothing. Unfortunately, nothing is happening during this description. I imagined two men standing in the middle of nowhere until the narrator finished and the king began speaking. *People*The chief is easy to see. It was a great technique when you wrote how similar he was to the king. The reader can picture someone slightly different from the image of the king. *People*Minor characters; Uta, Sean, etc. don't get as much attention as the others. This is normal.
*People*PERSONALITY:Personality should move the characters to speak and act a certain way. Because the situation is so dire, we see the opposite; the scene is shaping the characters response. This is a trap that makes our characters seem simple or even cliche. Build up unique personalities, put them in this pressure cooker, and allow their personality to push the story forward.
*People*HISTORY: Good job on slipping in some history to flesh out the king and chief. However, each telling stopped the action, the plot. It's a difficult balance, finding the mix of character development and plot development. You will have to find a way to slip these interesting tidbits of history without bogging down the plot.

*Books3**Books4*Referencing:*Books4**Books2*

*Bookstack*The omniscient, all knowing narrator shouldn't say, "maybe fifty people" (S)he can say, "a few dozen," or "a gaggle" but "maybe" takes a bit of the narrator's authority away.

*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*Reviewer's Opinion:*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*

*Bookstack*I have to be honest, I'm poor at history and I have no idea what Britain looked like around 3000 B.C. the time stamp at the beginning did not help me set the scene at all.
*Books4* The story would be easier to read with the double space option checked.
*Books3*The names didn't sound "Indian" to me.

*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*The Line by Line:*Bookstack**Bookstack**Bookstack*

*Bookstack3*"...more complaints, even from..."
*Bookstack3*"...His shoulders were slumped..."
*Bookstack2*"...with their magic accordance to let the King..." pass..."
*Books1*"...looked down in a, startled and saw..."
*Books2*"...I am being replaced at my..."
{/blue}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Only A Stone  
Review by Joshiahis
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Dhu-Glas . Thank you for your awesome review of "Tribute. I wanted to return the favor and review some of your work. I hope you find some of my comments useful.

Style:
         This story begins in the omniscient point of view, simple past tense. The narrator's story breaks gives the reader clear guidance that the scene/focus has changed. There are dips into the past perfect tense (and passive voice) throughout the story, as always the key culprits are "was" and "had" He was clothed... he had been so skillful... gold nor power, had been the prime... childhood had taught...

Setting:
         A clean introduction sets the scene and the calm ambiance of the story. Colorful details flesh out the world nicely. Unfortunately, the reader sees only a static world in the prologue. Nothing is in motion. One of the bane's of fantasy writing is when we take too much time telling the reader about this wonderful world we've created. It is good to have history, fantastical creatures, new gods no one has seen. The details deserve a place to be recorded... just not in the story.
         Fight scenes are very well written. The reader can clearly follow the action and the "villains" reactions feel real.


Plot:
         The prologue has no plot. What was the man's mission? What disasters stopped him from completing it? What bad decisions did he face? The true story doesn't begin until, One day he had come upon a clearing in the wood. Deleting everything prior to that will show the reader something actually happening. Of course, it also removes the excellent setting and characterization work put into the introduction.
         As the plot finally gets moving, there are occasional dips into giving the reader more backstory about the world, its inhabitants, the norms of society, history. Its all fascinating, but the action stops to give it.
         As the story moves on, we don't get a clear goal. Why was he in the woods? Why did he return over and over again? Did he fight this force that drew him to the cottage? Did he willingly return because he expected something?
         We finally get a goal after the cottage burns down. Revenge- perhaps justice, this is when the story starts to get interesting.


Characterization:
         Describing the man in the prologue gives the reader a clear picture of a warrior. Also, the opening chapter paints the main character's traits and motivations well. However, both of these techniques stalls the story. The mercenary is static until we come to the "present."


Reviewer's Opinion:
         Deleting the prologue would give you one of the best opening lines to a story I've seen in a long time.
         I thought it was clever to describe the warrior in the prologue rather than telling the reader that he was a warrior. Making the reader think makes them care about the character.

9
9
Review by Joshiahis
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is courtesy of;
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#1790635 by Not Available.


Style:
         This story begins in the third person point of view; simple past tense. There are some shifts to the omniscient POV, usually when the reader sees something that the character shouldn't see (see reference section) There are a handful of dips into the past perfect tense, usually with the use of the words was and had, but they are minor and easily fixed by deleting the word.

Referencing:
         Paulo can't see his own azure eyes or nice cheeks as he sobs. The scene is great, but ill-referenced.
         What does the voice sound like that asks for Paulo's help?
         Paulo's POV can't describe Lord Nethaal nor the balcony entrance if he doesn't turn around. Perhaps making it a mental image would not break the POV, or moving the description to after they face one another.


Setting:
         Great introduction; we have a location, a time, and an ambiance with just a few simple words. We have a new land with a clear history filled with tragedy, enough to entice the reader to read on but not bore him with mundane details. Transition from scene to scene is smooth, with clear breaks in time and ample descriptions when we move to a new location.


Plot:
         The plot flows nicely, no deep backstory to distract us. However, events drive the goal, not the characters. The reader might have trouble discerning the hero's main goal in all this. It is not to research a strange artifact for a king he hates and then stop him from using it. What is the one thing he is willing to do anything to achieve? How does the artifact help or harm this desire?


Characterization:
         The use of the elements to show us the main characters clothing was well placed. The use of different titles helped flesh out the character without stopping the plot flow.
         We have a flawed hero and villain introduced early, with clear physical features that don't bog down the story. Well done. Using the hero's POV to describe the other characters was a nice touch. It forces the reader to empathize more with the hero.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         There are some triple spacings between sentences littered throughout the story. Also, some paragraphs aren't indented to match the rest.
         You don't need to act the fact that Thadius is shorter if you say he looks up at Paulo in the next sentence, the reader can imply the height difference.
         I'm not sure if it was your intent, but Thadius' high talk made him sound like a sarcastic bootlicker to me...

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society
"Legacy
10
10
Review of Dark Frog Angel  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this story. Very funny
11
11
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Cassie Kat . I wanted to return the favor and review some of your work. I hope you don't mind and that you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee
Style:
         This story begins in the first person point of view and remains so throughout the story. We see the story unfold through the heroine’s eyes.
         The story begins in the present tense, with the action unfolding as it occurs except for That's when I should have… Looking back, I guess- This entire paragraph breaks from the present tense form and makes the story read like a flashback in the past tense. After this paragraph, the story drifts back and forth from present and past tense.*Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         Chills passed through me- may lead the reader to think that the wind caused the chill even through the wind stopped in the previous paragraph. Describing how she feels when the chills hit may clear up the confusion.
          because, as a teenager, that's what I do best seems to break from the flow of the story. Is this an actual through crossing her mind? Where does the motivation for this self-evaluation come from? If she is so aware of her flaws, why doesn’t she use this thought as motivation to turn around and leave?
         Because I was distracted, I didn't notice breaks from the first person, present tense POV. She can’t recognize the fact that something distracted her from noticing something she doesn’t know is there. In other words, you can’t see yourself being distracted until the event already takes place.
         How does the vendor react when this stranger STEALS a cape from his stand?


Setting:
         The first paragraphs squeezed in the setting without bogging down the plot *Thumbsup* Her travels through the forest and crowded town are vivid and clear to the reader. *Thumbsup* The world you created is the driving force of the story that pushes the reader onward.


Plot:
         The story flows forward, without breaks or gaps with ill-timed flashbacks or narrator explanations. *Thumbsup*
         What is her prime motivation for pressing forward through the forest and the dirt path? Is it curiosity or some other trait that does not allow her to turn around?
         What is her primary goal for journeying through the forest? What is she trying to accomplish? If she is compelled to go, then shouldn’t she try to fight against the compulsion?


Characterization:
         *Smile*We learn, instantly, that she’s a bit vain, curious, and doesn’t follow her own instincts very well. *Thumbsup* The only problem, as with most first person stories, is that we don’t know what she looks like. You could use the journey through the forest as way to describe her without breaking the point of view. Does she have big feet that trip over fallen branches? When she opens the gate, is her hand manicured or plain; fingers long or stubby; skin olive or pale or dark? Does the breeze blow long hair into her face or press short against the nape of her neck? Does she have to duck under low branches a lot because she’s taller than average teenage girls are? Does she look up or down at the old lady she bumps into?
         


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I didn’t like the parenthesis, because the text actually belonged in the context of the sentence. Some of the sentences like ”after ignoring my 25 unread text messages” could connect to the previous sentence. Others like ”why hadn't I worn a jacket?” helps the readers understand her character traits.
         Spell out the numbers (twenty-five), time (eleven o’clock), and prices(thirty dollar).
         A great way to write out thoughts without saying “I thought” is to put the phrase in italics.

The Line-By-Line

-sure that I wasn't }being followed- Passive Voice -that no one followed me- works.
-I had to stumble }around. End of sentence preposition
-and at every turn, a person-
-I felt as though I were trapped Passive Voice
-inhuman, for lack of a better word.

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#1463670 by Not Available.

** Image ID #1407797 Unavailable **

12
12
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1474347 Unavailable **

         Hello Miranda Foix , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee

Point-of-view:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form and remains so throughout the story. *Thumbsup* There is one small blurb that stands against the perspective. I remember thinking that… in the context of the story, Sean is thinking about remembering something as he lives through it. I think it’s just the way it reads that brings confusion and not the fact that he’s actually having a flashback. … unprepared for what I saw there… follows the same logic as the previous example. Sean is not reflecting on anything, at least the beginning of the story doesn’t read that way. He can be unprepared, but the words lead the reader to believe that he’s already been there and is simply recalling what he saw.

Setting:
         Character thoughts, character interaction with the current surroundings and conversation gives the reader insight to the location, time, and mood of the story without bogging down the story. *Thumbsup* There is a clear passage of time from scene to scene, usually given as a quick sentence of a new paragraph. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
Introduction
         The setting and character introduction takes place without bogging down the plot flow with the necessary details. Stuff actually happens while the scene moves. *Thumbsup* There is a clear transition from introduction to rising action with the appearance of the strange guy- in his bath robe- standing outside Sean’s hotel at four in the morning.

Rising Action
         The rising action develops over two instances, both related to the appearance of the anonymous monk-like stranger. The protagonist finds a person. The reader understands why it is important to the protagonist to go on this- quest. *Thumbsup*

Climax
         The lead into the climax was seamless. The reader can easily sense the heightened emotions of the moment when Arthur presents his debriefing. This story follows all the “rules” of climax. There is a twist; the legend of Sean’s lineage, a new piece of information; the passage of knowledge to Sean, and a decision; his choice to leave.

Falling Action
         The journey back to the hotel, the confession, and the hint at something more leaves the reader wanting to turn the page. The plot thread has the potential to expand into something more. Arthur never exactly told Sean why he needed help- but the reader must wait for the author to write the installment. *Bigsmile*

Denouncement
         The author closes the original plot thread, but leaves a hint that there is something more...an ending with a beginning.*Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Sean’s demeanor shines through with little thoughts about certain situations. The reader can empathize with his hidden desire to tell his superstitious girlfriend to “stuff it!” *Laugh* Small details about his physical traits, given through certain actions, help flesh out the character. You can “feel” his attitude seep through the words on the page. *Thumbsup*

         Emily receives a gracious physical description from her boyfriend that gives us insight into his psyche as well as shows us what Em looks like.*Thumbsup*

         Arthur becomes a major character near the climax of the tale. He isn’t given the same level of detail as Emily when introduced.


Reviewer's Opinion:
          Although the introduction tells us that Sean is a high school senior, the story was not a clear in presenting that small point.

         I loved Sean’s cynicism. It felt authentic. If I stumbled upon a room of weirdo’s with red robes, I think my train of thought would follow his own.

The Line-By-Line

Wow…no errors…great job!

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#1501478 by Not Available.
13
13
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: GC | (4.0)
         Hello Shannon C. , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Point-of-view:
         This story begins in the stream of consciousness perspective and remains so throughout the story. We see the world unfold through the mind of the main character. *Thumbsup*

Setting:
         The author cleverly disguises the “time stamp” for this version of America. The reader has enough details to place the mood, year, and location that this tale takes place, but no so much that it bogs down the plot. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
Introduction
         The first few sentences intrigue the reader, forcing them to continue to learn more. The story does an excellent job of introducing this strange character and her equally strange situation. *Thumbsup*

Rising Action
         This is an odd one to rate, as we see a crime take someone else’s life and watch as our heroine interprets the events in her own way. I say it is odd because the intrigue behind the protagonist’s stake in the scenario is what grips the reader, not the action itself. Oddness aside, the climb to the climax does its job and keeps the reader engrossed. *Thumbsup*

Climax
         The heroine is not faced with a choice that affects the outcome of the story. She is in a hopeless situation, with only one recourse- she must “collect” the victim.

Falling Action
          The twist explains the intrigue surrounding the main character and the situation introduced earlier. All of the loose threads come together. Old habits and all Well done. *Thumbsup*

Denouement
         This took some time for me to understand. The protagonist’s attitude to face her existence with a calm and businesslike apathy closes out this short story. Because of the open ending, it is difficult to notice this point unless a reader is specifically looking for closure.


Characterization:
         Excellent job with the character development of the protagonist and her blind helper. The reader learns enough about them to develop some feeling of empathy or disgust without the story making the decision for them. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I really like pieces that allow the reader to think about what’s going on instead of the writer pointing out every little detail. This is defiantly going into my collection of favorites.

         {e:eyestrain} @ the lack of spaces between paragraphs. (Ouch!)

The Line-By-Line

There were no real errors. The sentence fragments seemed purposeful and nothing else stood out. Good job.

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **

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#1501478 by Not Available.

14
14
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: GC | (5.0)
         Hello Marshall , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form and remains so throughout both chapters. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         Chapter One ~ Jasper controls the point of view in the first chapter, and nothing is out of place as the world comes alive through his eyes. *Thumbsup*

         Chapter Two ~ The narrator controls the perspective at the beginning of this chapter. We see the man’s physical attributes and learn a bit about his life. This is a shift from the previous chapter.


Setting:
         Chapter One ~ The world around the boy receives a life of its own as he waits for the showdown with an unknown adversary. In the first few moments, the reader sees the clear passage of time after a long wait, the farmland around the hero. We also feel the chill of the coming dusk. All of these descriptions add to the dread piling up as we wait with the protagonist. *Thumbsup*

         Chapter Two ~ The reader receives a clear passage of time before the story begins. Jasper’s walk through the facility opens up the world around him. Although there is no immediate threat or confrontation, the descriptions leave that ominous feeling introduced in the first chapter. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         Chapter One ~ The story flows forward, without pause or break for an explanation. Even the flashback fits, as the boy actually has the thoughts at that moment in time. The central theme is easy to identify and follow. *Thumbsup*

         Chapter Two ~ Between He knew how they felt and The man reached the story pauses as we get a brief overview of Jasper’s appearance twenty years after chapter one.


Characterization:
         Chapter One ~ Little details spread throughout the chapter gives us details about the hero. Every action or thought brings us closer to the main character. The reader develops an instant empathy for him and his plight. The parents receive similar attention, but not so much that they bog down the plot flow. The antagonist receives human-like traits that force the reader to see the animal as the vilest of enemies. *Thumbsup*

         Chapter Two ~ The physical traits of Jasper was excellent, although the description halts the flow of the plot. The brief flashback to his daughter provides additional insight while breaking the reader’s heart at the same time. Action shows us his attire and thoughts show us his state of mind. *Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

No glaring errors! Well done!

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **
15
15
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1131521 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1464508 Unavailable **

         Hello Dr Taher writes again! , this review is brought to you by the "Invalid Item & "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form and remains so throughout. The conservative use of passive voice gives the story a present tense feel. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         Nothing is out of place as the story revolves around our hero. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         Actions help set the scene. The room unfolds as the plot pushes forward, allowing the reader to see the world without bogging down the story. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The story flows forward, without pause or break for flashbacks or explanations. The main story arc is easy to identify and follow to its conclusion. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Our hero thinks highly of himself *Bigsmile*. He brings us this first person story with style and sophistication. The story just oozes with it. Also, our not so sophisticated antagonist receives the same treatment. His demeanor really adds a level of realism that is hard to create. Excellent job! *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         This is a very intelligent story that forces the reader to think while being entertained. I loved it.

The Line-By-Line

No errors!
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#1463670 by Not Available.
16
16
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I'm not a poet
and don't I know it
But this touched me a bit
as I read it
ok-ok enough of that crap

We have the same degree of disdain for Bush, but yours comes from a more cerebral level. You portray his abuse of power, his inheritance through his father, his warmongering in a way that makes even a Bush-hater like myself think more about how these things affect the thing that makes America- well America, and that somehow seems worse than everything else he's done. Thank you for sharing
~Lee
17
17
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         Hello Nomar Knight , this review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form. The author’s conservative use of past tense words gives the story a present tense “feel.” *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         Nothing leaps out of place as the protagonist controls the perspective. We see the story unfold through her its eyes. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         The gigantic world sprouts to life as the reader continues. We see the world from the main character’s point of view- and it is big, really big. The scenery also sets a bleak and dangerous tone through the story, adding the mounting suspense. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         There is a slight pause as the reader learns about the differences between the species. It is difficult to determine if the thoughts come from the protagonist as it waits. The author conceals a portion of the main story arc. We learn of a journey as the story stars, but not the destination, and the reader ponders why the creature embarks on the quest in the first place.


Characterization:
         The opening moments sets the personality of the main character and the reader shares the protagonist’s sense foreboding. The creature’s musings help us develop a sense of, dare I say, empathy toward it. *Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

No errors!

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **

18
18
Review of The Dance  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hello Nomar Knight , this review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form and remains so throughout. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         The narrator controls the perspective allowing the author to weave in and out of different points of view. Each shift in perspective is easy to catch for the reader, as a scene shift or new paragraph defines the change. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         Character interaction gives the reader insight into the scene, the periods of time, and the story’s mood within each scene. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The author cleverly disguises the pending conclusion with the car used to take Lisa to the dance; both dances. The reader’s mind travels along one tangent as is caught unawares at the plot twist at the end; very clever! *Thumbsup*

         The story rolls forward without pause or break by the narrator. No flashbacks or explanations interrupt the tale. *thumsbup*


Characterization:
         Lisa and her mother have distinguishing personality traits that contrast with the indifference between Roland and Sam. It is difficult to make the dates in the story.

The Line-By-Line

At that moment, they turned

She gathered her composure, looked at Sam and said

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **
19
19
Review of Seduced By Evil  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
         Hello Nomar Knight , this review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form and remains so throughout the tale. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         We see the world from the antagonist’s perspective. Nothing is amiss as we see the world through her interpretation of it. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         The opening paragraph really sets a dark mood for the reader, nothing happens yet but it is still spooky to read.*Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The action flows forward, without pause or break by that pesky narrator. Time flows forward, even when the antagonist lets the reader know that she shares a history of torment with the victim, and plans to continue the relationship. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         The actions and interactions between the two say a lot about their personalities. We see her familiarity with the victim, her ability to read his every nuance as an emotion to heighten her own--- wants *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         This female Freddy Krueger scares the hell out of me!

The Line-By-Line

heart, the distortion, which my ~OR~heart, the distortion that my spell cast, lifted with slow deliberate malice.

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **

20
20
Review of The Locked Room  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Vivian , this fifth review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form and remains true throughout the story. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         The narrator controls the story as the story begins and uses the heroine’s point of view throughout. We see the world through her eyes. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         Dialogue drives the scene around the main character. Her terror and interaction with the guards bring the setting to life. There are clear passages of time between scenes.*Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The story flows forward without pause or break by that pesky narrator for explanation or flashback. The main story arc is easy to follow as the plot progresses. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         It was difficult to concentrate on actually reviewing this. The lightning fast plot really drew me in!

The Line-By-Line

With a frown, she stalked

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21
21
Review of Upon My Death  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Jacque Graham , this fourth review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item.
~Lee

         On a personal note, this is my favorite of your collection. The reader can easily connect the poet’s fearlessness against death against his or her own; a barometer of faith that leads to an evaluation of self. Perhaps this was the poet’s intention all along.

The Line-By-Line

No errors!

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **

22
22
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Jacque Graham , this third review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item.
~Lee


         For me, a simple man with no poetic talent, the poem is slightly difficult to follow because I could not find the rhythm within it until about halfway through.

         We see descriptions of God’s love through tangible sources of light. The flame or light comes alive through action; flickering, warming, and (obviously) shining. The symbolism while simplistic is profound in its own way. The reader understands where the direction the poet wishes to takes the poem and can follow the path with ease.
The Line-By-Line

true "love-force.”

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **

23
23
Review of The Lord is Come  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Jacque Graham , this second review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item.
~Lee


         This small poem takes us on a journey in the first person and comes alive through the writer’s eyes. The words develop into a picture that not only shows us the world through the protagonist eyes, but also mingles joy and hope with the action of the birds. *Thumbsup*
The Line-By-Line

No errors!

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **
24
24
Review of HIS CHURCH  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Jacque Graham , this first review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. Poetry is not a strong suit of mine, but I hope you can find something helpful within this review.
~Lee


         The poem speaks of God’s promise through his Son and Church, and the promises awaiting those who listen. The poem flowed like a story from beginning to end, allowing the reader to see the church amidst all the trappings of civilization, and promising a gift for those who enter.

The Line-By-Line

No errors! *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1404421 Unavailable **
25
25
Review of Evil Beauty  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
         Hello Vivian , this third review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form and remains true throughout the story. The author’s conservative use of past tense words gives the story a present tense “feel.” *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         The protagonist controls the point of view at the story’s onset. Her dark, blue eyes slowly opened creates a minor shift in point of view, unless Dee is seeing herself in Miss Wester’s mirror.


Setting:
         The main characters interaction with the world around her fleshes out the scene and sets the tone for the story. The passage of time from one day to another is clear and brief and fits into the flow of the story.*Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The story flows forward around the heroine, without break or pause for explanation or flashback. The author allows a dramatic buildup before introducing the main story arc to the reader and shedding some light on smaller threads occurring from the tales start.*Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Dee’s actions allow the reader to get to know her in small portions throughout the story. She has fear, anger, pain, flawed assumptions, and seems real as the story progresses. The reader can empathize with the heroine.*Thumbsup*

         Physical attributes of minor characters are brief and occur within the flow of the plot. The reader’s focus turns toward these characters as they speak, at which point the author squeezes in a description.*Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I had trouble following this part -applied, Janice McCall, Miss Wester, snapped- but then I realized that “Miss Wester” is her title in the pageant.

         Crisp dialogue between the characters highlights the story. The author makes sure the reader understands who speaks without the use of the implied “she said” at the end of every sentence. *Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

I don’t like beauty pageants, she murmured. I do not like pageants, period. Why did I allow her to talk me into this?

on the table top, she grabbed Tabletop

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