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357 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, LazyWriter !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "The Child of the Water. I would like to share my thoughts.

Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions.

I was checking out Charlotte's Castle and saw the introduction of new PDG members. Welcome!

So, I perused your port and found this story.


Overall Impression
I love the title. It matched the story perfectly.

I was so excited for Rar, who was full of adventure and bravery. He was his own person and enjoyed spending time with his dad.

I was anxious and 'on the edge of my seat' during the sea monster scene.

You were able to bring excitement and energy to the story. You captured my attention and held it throughout the story. I wasn't sure how I'd like this story when I first checked it out in your port. It was a pleasant experience.

Setting
I loved the idea of a village of 'water people' living deep in the ocean. It's something I've fantasized about. I know it's weird, but I've always wondered about ships that have been 'lost' in the Bermuda Triangle. Wouldn't it be cool if they found themselves in an underwater world?

Plot
The characters seemed real, even his sister. You did a fantastic job creating these characters and bringing life to them. I loved the description of their white hair.

I was able to follow the story with no interruptions or stumbling. I didn't have to go back and re-read anything. It all made sense and flowed well.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar
I noticed just a couple of things.

“Um…A little, sir.” He’s barely slept! I think you might have meant "He'd" barely slept.

“Brother, why haven’t you bought a new mattress for my bed?! There should only be one punctuation mark after a sentence. Since this is a question, the question mark would be best. The excitement has been portrayed through the language so I believe the reader would understand without the exclamation point.

Final Thoughts/Comments
I loved this story. I like fantasy and this piqued my interest and curiosity. I would love to read more about Rar and his apprenticeship.

Thank you for sharing. Write on!



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2
2
Review of True  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, ToucanTheRainwing !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "True. I would like to share my thoughts.

Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions.

*Check2* Overall Impression
This story was full of energy. I felt anxious to know what was going to happen next.

*Check2* Plot
So much seemed to happen at once. The events took place in an order that seemed realistic for the story. You introduced the background story and brought us to the current point in time where Dream sat next to her ailing father. Then she was thrown into a new situation.

*Check2* Scene/Setting
I couldn't decide if this story took place in a room in a cave or a castle. I wonder if the room was warm or cold? I would hope warm, but since they are dragons it could be that cold is more comfortable.

*Check2* Characters
I enjoyed meeting Dreamhunter and the dragon who swooped into the room with the scroll and message.
I did wonder about her dad. What did he look like since he was so ill? Did he cry out in his sleep? Was he coherent enough to speak to his daughter?

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics
I didn't find any errors with grammar, spelling, or punctuation.

*Check2* Suggestions
Maybe a little more description like the temperature of the room.

Also, a quick little description of the delivery dragon would help, in my opinion, to bring the reader a little more into the story.

I wondered about Dream's necklace. What did it look like? I pictured something akin to large, white various shaped stones but that may be completely different than what you pictured.

Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it.

Write On!



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3
3
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Baloney Bill !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "The Hole-In-the-Wall Come Christmas. I would like to share my thoughts.

Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions.

I am really late reading through my emails but finally got to the one introducing new PDG members. Congratulations! It's nice to have new members. So, I perused your port and found this story.

Overall Impression
I liked this story even though it's sad. It's nice that he stayed in touch with his kids, especially since he never received any kind of custody. I wonder if he got regular visitations until the kids were old enough to make the decision to visit or not.

I felt sad for him. I feel bad for many dads who lose custody of their children. It's just not fair to take their kids away from them unless there are some abuse or safety issues.

You did a good job with portraying his heartache even if he didn't recognize it.

My Favorite Part
This piece made me want to both smile and cry.

My favorite part was the note he wrote in the card he was going to send to his son. It was good that they also seemed to stay in a little touch with their dad, after all, Andy did send him a picture of his little girl.

Setting
I like that the title matched the setting of the story. It was a place he hadn't planned to stay at very long. Unfortunately, life played havoc and he found that he'd been in the same place for many years. It's a little disheartening. I wanted so much for this character.

Plot
I enjoyed how you walked us through his life to the point where he ended up. He agreed that the divorce should have happened, but not that he lost custody of his kids.

I could feel the pain of which he suffered, even though he claimed he didn't mind his situation. The character seemed real and I could kind of relate to the pain he was feeling, although I've never been without my children. I could imagine what I'd feel like to have lived with them for a certain amount of time, then more or less being kicked out of their lives.

Suggestions
The one suggestion I would make is that when there are strong or loud emotions they don't need to be capitalized. If you use an exclamation point, that should give the reader a good enough idea that it is loud.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar
I saw no punctuation, spelling, or grammar errors.

Final Thoughts/Comments
I was sad that he'd been out of his children's lives as much as he was, but he still kept in touch with them through cards. It was great how you brought in his emotions at the end that showed how much his kids really mean to him and how sorry he was that he wasn't more a part of their lives.

The writing was smooth and was easy to read. I didn't have to go back and re-read anything.

Wonderful job!




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4
4
Review of Grace  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, poetry. I don't know a lot about it, which is evident in the poetry I've attempted *Laugh*, but I enjoy rhyming poetry. You get into a rhythm and everything reads so smoothly.

A place of darkness, someplace none of us wish to be. You've portrayed it well. It reminds me of being in a deep depression trying to free yourself. It made my heart feel heavy. Ultimately, prayer helps to break free.

Then, finally, a sliver of hope ensues. It's like a huge weight being lifted. Then thank Him for his grace.

I like your poem. As always, an excellent job. *Smile*

5
5
Review of The Unexpected  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, OOT™ !

This is the review you won in the "Chinese New Year Celebration auction.

PLEASE REMEMBER, these are only my thoughts and opinions.


Overall Impression:
I loved this story, but I'm all about romance. Well, not all about romance, but I like it. I like the title as well. It fits nicely with the story.

This piece definitely gave me the warm and fuzzies. I like how in the midst of working together Steve and Sharon forged their own opinions of the other and how much it varied from what they'd heard around the office. Sounds to me like those in the office were a little jealous. *Wink*

The writing was smooth and flowed well. I didn't run into any "bumps" where I had to reread anything or lost my way. I stayed in the story to the end. Nothing took me out of the story.

I also liked how you gave the reader both characters' points of view. I like those kinds of books where each chapter focuses on the different characters in the story. I could see you writing one of those kinds of stories.


My Favorite Part:
I think this was a creative story. I liked the idea of them working for an advertising agency and being placed on the same project together.

Something that made me smile is something I've already talked about and that's where they admitted to themselves that they listened to office gossip instead of coming to their own conclusions about the other. But sometimes I think that's the way it is in life. It takes a while to kind of come to your senses and think about things rationally.


Setting:
So, the story took place in an advertising agency. The one thing that was missing for me was the setting. It would have brought the reader into the story a little more by describing their surroundings. It makes the reader feel like they're there in the office with the characters. For example, were they in a conference room or an office working on the project? I pictured something like a conference room with windows, but that may not be at all what you were thinking of when you wrote it.


Plot:
The characters seemed real to me even if we didn't get a description of them. That would have added to the story though, in my opinion. For example, And why hadn't he noticed before how her eyes sparkled when she smiled? Adding a simple color of her eyes would have helped to picture the character here.

I was able to follow the story in that both were hesitant to work with the other based on what others in the office said about them.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found no punctuation, spelling, or grammar mistakes.


Final Thoughts/Comments
After reading through the stories in your port I want to tell you that I think you do a fantastic job with them. The only thing I would recommend is to expand on them and draw them out a little more. I give you this advice as it was given to me. I also don't seem to write very long pieces. I try, but I write everything down that's in my head and that's all I can come up with, you know?

But as this was written for a contest, I'm not sure if a word limit was set. That would make a big difference.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading through your port.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for participating in the Chinese New Year Celebration.

I hope you have a fantastic day!



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6
Review of Bickersons  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Mastiff .

I am reviewing for I Write 2019.


I was really hooked with this story, wanting to know what would happen next. It held my attention throughout the story all the way to the end.

I felt sorry for Ruby struggling with being alone for so long. I did wonder if he wasn't able to call her and let her know he had to work a double. Just a curiosity.


In the first line I walked through the red front door, letting the screen door hit me in the butt a bit, then I pulled closed the solid wood behind me with a loud thump. In my mind, you would push the door closed instead of pulling it.

That make it a very ugly evening for me, but I had to hold it together. Just missed the "s" at the end.

I wasn't sure about the different font colors, but then I figured out that those were the prompts.

I enjoyed this story and wish you the best of luck with the contest.

Write on!


~QPdoll

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Review of Going Back  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Mastiff .

I am reviewing this story as part of I Write 2019. (I sure thought I completed this a while ago. I apologize it's so late.)


*Check2* Overall Impression:
This is a creepy story, perfect for the SCREAMS contest.


*Check2* Flow:
I feel the flow is sporadic. In most places, it flowed well, but in others, it is a little splotchy. I was taken out of the story because it was hard for me to follow. (But I may be the only person who had this problem.)


*Check2* Scene/Setting:
The scenes took place in different locations. I believe it started in a hospital room, then, through memories, moved to a sports arena, then back to reality in the hospital.


*Check2* Characters:
There were a number of characters, which kind of made it difficult for me to understand. We just got a 'taste' of all of them. But once I put it all together I was able to comprehend the different scenes.


*Check2* Dialogue:
This part had me confused as to who was speaking because of the last sentence of the paragraph before the dialogue:

... I said I was sorry, and she looked at my gear.


"Played a sorry game, too!"
"Wait!" She stopped.
"What?"
"Could I buy you a new cup of coffee at least?"


I thought she was the first person to speak, but I don't think that's correct. Once I reread it, I understood that he was the first speaker.


*Check2* Emotional Content:
I felt a little emotion from the last section of the story where she professed her love to him. I understood it as kind of a Romeo and Juliet kind of ending. Well, except for the very last part. *Wink* It must have been the drugs talking. *Ha*


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
I found no errors with grammar or spelling. Nice job.


*Check2* Closing thoughts:
Although it was difficult for me to follow, on the third read I finally understood the whole thing. I don't think you gave yourself enough time to 'flesh out' your story. It was as though the reader was given little excerpts of what really happened.

However, I think it ended up an awesome SCREAMS story. I did find it creepy and kind of, if you know of it, Twilight Zone material.

Good luck in the contest! I enjoyed reading and reviewing.



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8
8
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Tinker ,

I'm reviewing "Poems Prompted by Poet's Place Cafe for I Write 2019.

I am not a poet, but I try. With that, I want to state that these are only my thoughts and opinions.


*Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree*
Favorite Lines

My favorite line is: they dwell within me now, my place of dreams.


*Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree*
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling

I saw no punctuation, grammar, or spelling errors.


*Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree*
Overall Impression

I enjoyed this poem. It brought back memories of running around when I was a child, exploring through the woods. I could picture the character sitting atop the boulder. I felt disappointed about the change in scenery.


*Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree**Tree*
Parting Comments

I think you did a wonderful job with this poem. The imagery was perfect. I don't know a lot about poetry but I can tell you that I understood this poem. It wasn't a foreign feeling.


It's funny that you just reviewed my work and now I'm reviewing yours.

I hope you have a fabulous day.

Write on!

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9
9
Review of The Flip  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Mastiff !

I'm reviewing this for I Write 2019 and would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.


Overall Impression
I think this is a great start for a longer work. I love science fiction although I can't write it! I liked the characters, and it was interesting that the main character didn't have a name.


How did this piece make you feel?
I liked the story but got confused especially at the end. I didn't quite understand if he was in a younger body or still in an older one. Or was he in a robotic body?

I enjoyed the format. It was easy to read.


My Favorite Part:
This is a creative idea and was creepy, making it a twisted tale for sure.

My favorite part was actually the part that confused me because he got vengeance on his help. I got the impression that they weren't going anywhere soon.


Plot:
The characters only somewhat came alive for me. I think more description would help. For example, when he learned he was in a much older body what did he see besides wrinkles? Did he have bushy eyebrows, faded color eyes, a white five o'clock shadow?


Suggestions:
It wasn't clear to me at the end whether or not he had a new robotic body, which would be totally cool. I liked where this story was going. It will be great if you continued with the story.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I noticed a few things:

“Clive!” I tried to yell. But being out for how knows long, it wasn’t loud. I think you meant to say "who knows for how long."

Looking around as I marched downstairs, the view didn’t fill me me any confidence. Fill me with ...

"An month, at best, but probably less." Doc wasn't any medical designation, he was just someone who worked with the people and equipment for transfers. I believe this should be "A" instead of AN.


Final Thoughts/Comments
You did a nice job. Good luck in the contest.



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10
10
Review of Shackled  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, 🌓 HuntersMoon !

I am reviewing for I Write 2019 and have just read "Shackled. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


First Impression
This is definitely dark. I felt sad for this person, which is what I hope is the emotion you wanted the reader to feel.


What I like
I love rhyming poetry and this had a great flow.


Mechanics
With the rhyming theme, it was pleasant to the ear. Although I know that when poetry was first written it was for oral reading so rhyming didn't play a part.

Voice
One thing I noticed is that there were two voices but one was silent and spoke only with "it's will."

Tone
We can hear by the tone that he despised what he was being made to do.

Mood
This mood, for me, was deep and dark and sad and scary.


Imagery
The images described were crisp and clear. I could picture the chains and the blade.


Summary
I enjoyed this poem albeit it's dark nature. It is a fantastic dark Quatrain. Excellent job.


Thank you Jimminycritic

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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Detective

I'm reviewing this piece for I Write 2019. I didn't review the correct writing. I apologize.

Please know that the following are simply my thoughts and opinions. Only you can decide what's best for your story. Take what you can use and forget the rest.

I have read "A Call from Beyond and would like to share my thoughts.

I found your story
Very appealing. I could see myself watching this play out on tv. I thought it was really creepy but I wanted to know what was going to happen during the storm. It definitely made me want to read more.


Overall Impression
I rather liked your writing. I know you were only able to use 500 words or less and I think you created a fabulous scene. Unfortunately, I don't think it was a story. But to be honest I can't write a story in 500 words or less using only dialogue. I've tried, but have not been so successful.


My Favorite Part
That would be this: “The gun isn’t the only thing I kept in my safe. Be careful, Margret.“ I wouldn't want to get into the safe but at the same time, I would! I'd have to know what's in the safe.


Suggestions
I think you've done an incredible job with the word limit and the fact that it all had to be in dialogue. I have no suggestions for improvement.

Good luck in the contest.

Keep Writing!

~QPdoll
12
12
for entry "Thread of Dreams
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Tinker !

I am reviewing for I Write 2019.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


First Impression
I think this is a lovely poem, bringing out the quietness of poetry and dreams.

What I like
Poetry strokes the silken threads of dreams, Poetry almost always seems soft and whispery. This one is gentle and peaceful.


Mood
For me, the mood is quiet at first, then it blasts off with Writing vibrant words to stain the brain, kaleidoscopic guise

Imagery
I picture a woman in a silky nightgown slumbering, then waking to write down words floating around her head.


Summary
I really like this poem. It was very relaxing for me. You've done a fine job.

Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.


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Review of Week 2- Cold  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, trailerpark bodhisattva .

I think you covered the emotional amplifier, cold, excellently. I got the cold sense in the first sentence. It took me forever to get my story out. You did a great job. The best part was when they decided to order online instead of in-person. *Ha*

The stuttering definitely amplified the emotion and made it apparent in the scene.

Again, great job!
14
14
Review of No Trespassing  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Please know that the following are simply my thoughts and opinions. Only you can decide what's best for your story. Take what you can use and forget the rest.

Hello, Mastiff .

I have read "No Trespassing and would like to share my thoughts.

I'm reviewing for the I Write 2019.


Overall Impression
This is a good story and will be a great part of a longer writing, such as a novel. I am glad I live in my world and not this one. Or maybe I'm just glad I haven't traveled into the wrong place. *Ha*

You were able to convey the smell of the creature well. I would have liked to read more about what they looked like. I pictured creatures like those in The Fifth Element.


My Favorite Part
Of course, my favorite part was when Droyn explained to Mehenilda how to escape, even though it wasn't physically leaving their capture.


Suggestions
One thing I would suggest is to offer up some way or reason Droyn knew about this place and what would happen. If everyone is killed or tortured for life how would he know? Did someone at one point actually escape or did one of the creatures leave and share their secrets? That's just one thing that occurred to me while reading.

By the way, I wasn't taken out of the story. It kept my attention throughout. Great job.


Keep Writing!

~QPdoll


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
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Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: E | (4.5)

Please know that the following are simply my thoughts and opinions. Only you can decide what's best for your story. Take what you can use and forget the rest.

Hello, Tinker .

I have read "The Night the Bears Roamed and would like to share my thoughts.

I'm reviewing this for I Write 2019.


Overall Impression
I liked the idea that Dad was outside protecting the rest of them inside the cabin. It is hard when you become homesick. Everything is a big deal. It's hard to move past that feeling.


My Favorite Part
My favorite part was Mom inside comforting the children in a much different way than Dad was. Together I would have felt comfortable myself. Psalm 23 is always a great reminder of who is in control.


Final Thoughts
This is a beautiful poem. I really like the message it carries. Good luck in the contest.


Keep Writing!

~QPdoll
16
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Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a delightful poem. I don't review poetry but I wanted to share with you the calmness I felt while reading it. You're right, He does fulfill all my needs. I just don't necessarily take the time to stop and reflect on everything He's provided to me.

I enjoyed the rhyming scheme, that's my favorite kind of poem. I find myself trying to make my words rhyme after reading a lot of it. Goofy, I know.

I think you did a great job. Good luck in the contest.

Have a Happy New Year!

~QPdoll
17
17
Review of The Fair Nation  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Martha Callaghan !

I have just read "The Fair Nation. I would like to share my thoughts.

Please know these are only my thoughts and opinions. I have a hard time with drawing out or elaborating. I tend to have short answers or comments. Please don't read anything into that.


I enjoyed this chapter. It was exciting. It brought out emotions of wanting to protect Justin.


Plot
I'm not sure that the conversation between Justin and George was necessary at the beginning. I don't believe it added to the actual events of the chapter, other than establishing his home life and a little background into his living conditions. I feel the rest of the chapter captured the actual story.


Characterization
I loved the characters! I quickly came to like Justin and the fact that he was just trying to survive in a world where he wasn't exactly welcomed. He's the underdog and I almost always support them.

Character development is essential and I think you've developed this character very well in this first chapter.


Flow of the Chapter
I thought the chapter flowed well. I tripped over who was speaking at times, but it could have just been me. I had to reread some parts because of my confusion.


Dialogue
I felt you did an excellent job with the dialogue and communication. It flowed like normal conversations which is the goal, right.


Setting
One thing I can say about the setting is that I was able to fall back on my personal descriptions of a park or a restroom. I rather liked the statue in the park, but I didn't get a good sense of what the park might have looked like. Was there a sidewalk or just trails through the park? Did the path wind around trees and bushes? What did the bathroom look like at Justin's job?

However, I also like that you left it up to the reader to imagine what each looked like.

See, I'm kind of wishee-washee when it comes to setting. On one hand I like the author to show us what they picture, but on the other hand, I enjoy creating my own images.


I'm looking forward to reading more. Drop me a line when you post another chapter, won't you?


Little girl with baby doll and Christmas Tree



18
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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this! It definitely made me want to read the book. I want to know how Ravenworth Academy changed his life. I don't know why I think the character is male, but that's what it feels like to me.

I noticed one thing that I want to point out to you: But watching my uncle's carry my parents' caskets into the ground was the day I made my insides close up, suffocating me.
I believe it would be my uncles because it's not possessive. Nothing belonged to the uncles.

Reading this made me angry at the way the character was treated. I really wanted to read about how the character overcame all of it.

You did a great job!
19
19
Review of Matthew's Road  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Ladee Caid !

I am a member of the Mental Health Writers Alliance (MWHA) Group and have just read "Matthew's Road. I would like to share my thoughts.

I like short stories and one of my tasks is to review something emotional. I chose your story.


What I Like:
It was easy to read and I didn't stumble over anything.

I think the title of the story absolutely fits the story itself. You're right, everything can change in an instant.

I felt happy for Matthew in the beginning because he was going to be with the one person he loved. Then I was sad for him because it was clear he had died. Then I was happy again because he chose to go back to his body.

You have a good grasp of description. They were excellent. I did feel like I was there walking with the character.


My Favorite Part:
It's not the first story I've read of characters who die and don't realize it right away, but I liked the world you described as the "limbo." I think it was pretty creative.

I liked that the character, after being told that he was dead, made his decision automatically. There was no thought, he just knew he wasn't dead and he returned to his body. I like the description of when he went back to his body.


Setting:
Once again, your description took precedence. I could sense the cool and damp atmosphere but being in a warm car, driving down a country road. I understood why he felt the environment he did when he was walking around after the accident.


Plot:
The character seemed real to me. I could totally see this scenario playing out in real life. It's amazing the things we hear about in near-death experiences.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

There are just a few things I noted and wanted to point them out to you.

I’d had an intense work week and just wanted to get to Mia’s Just forgot the period.

I felt as if in the presence of a goddess. I think you left out a couple of words ... as if I were in the ...

I looked ahead of me, and the city still loomed. It gave me comfort. I shuttered. shuddered

I loved her, and I knew she loved me, so why ruin that with a piece of paper. I believe this should end with a question mark.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I think you did a really nice job with this story. I hope you did well in the contest.


Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading it.


~QPdoll


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
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Review of Forever Changed  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Patrick.

I liked this. I could feel the love and adoration. I pictured a meeting between a couple who may have been connecting online for a while and now have been able to arrange a meeting in person.

This one line threw me off, but I'm sure it's just me. To finally be here in your presence. I think it was the word 'presence' that made me think about being in the presence of the Lord. But I got back on track afterward.

I kept waiting for the result of the 'what if'. I don't feel like that answer was portrayed. What if that other person walked away? Clearly, the love would always be there, but what would happen to that person they walked away from?

That was my only question. This was an enjoyable read.

Happy Writing!
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Review of On The Clock  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: E | (4.5)
What an article! You showed me so many things that I'm doing wrong, mainly of living in my regrets. I've often wondered how to live in the present and you've shown me how. Thank you.

I remember when time seemed to go by so slow and I could hardly take it. Now, time flies by so fast I get depressed about everything I've missed. It's that whole catch twenty-two.

But whether or not I am able to do that, the reality is that I am more than my 21 year old self ~ I am the sum of all my parts. And if I let myself get stuck living in my regrets about my 21 year old self, it robs my 41 year old self the opportunity to live fully now.

I really like this statement. It has helped me to understand where I've been and what I've been doing. Now I can fix it.

Thank you for writing this and sharing.

Happy Writing!

22
22
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jay O'Toole !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Depression: The Warm & Fuzzy Blanket. I would like to share my thoughts and opinions. Please take what's helpful and throw out the rest.


I decided to go through all of my favorite authors and do a review of something from their port. That's how I found your piece.


My Favorite Part
My favorite part was when Dad had a conversation with his daughter. When you're in a deep depression even speaking is so difficult. It's relieving when you can have a meaningful conversation with someone.


How did this piece make you feel?
It made me feel sad but I completely understood, especially about having papers and dishes piled up. I get easily overwhelmed myself, like your character.


Did it remind you of something?
It somewhat reminds me of myself. The only difference is that I don't get the manic highs.


Setting
I think if there was more description of the inside of the house where Dad resided it would bring us closer to the character. However, I liked how you described seeing dad in a fetal position under the stairs. It was clear in my mind.


Plot
We read that Lovely loses her mother in a car accident, but we don't feel her emotions. She doesn't understand how she survived, but we don't get an inside look into her.


Character(s)
We don't get a lot of description of either Lovely or her dad. Something like, "I looked into his blue-green eyes and asked ... " would bring us just a little step closer to being in the situation with them.


Suggestions
*Buttonv* I have learned in numerous teachings that a character's thoughts should be depicted in italics rather than in quotation marks. Quotation marks are used to designate speech or dialogue. The character's thoughts are shown in quotation marks throughout this writing.

*Buttonv* Lovely found her dad in fetal position under the stairwell at the back of the house for the umpteenth time. I think you meant to add an "a" or "the" in front of fetal position.

*Buttonv* Let your words and punctuation show screaming or excitement rather than using capital letters.

*Buttonv* Ellipses contain three periods. There's conflicting information about whether or not there should be a space before and after them. Personally, I use spaces.

*Buttonv* In this statement, "The stigma of being very different and at times barely functional in a world, that values productivity above all else, is not something, I'm sure, that Dad would ever choose to experience,” she thought, loudly, wondering how Dad might respond. You state that "she thought loudly." I'm wondering if you meant that she thought out loud?


Final Thoughts/Comments
I have suffered with depression for nearly twenty years, so the title piqued my interest. I wondered how often I've hidden behind such a blanket myself.

I feel like you held back with this story. I somehow think that there's more you wanted to write about, or possibly you couldn't find the words to say what you wanted?

I think you did a good job with not only your writing but also with teaching about depression.

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!







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23
23
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Kabe !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Why is it so wrong to love you?. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.


I found your piece in the Please Review forum. I was interested in what could be if we were forbidden to love.


What I Liked:
You depicted a world in which love is forbidden and the repercussions were dire. You did a wonderful job.


Character Development
I felt empathy for the characters. However, they seemed a little flat. There was no physical description which isn't always necessary, but I feel it brings us closer to the character. There are ways to bring the reader closer to the characters, things like description and narrative showing their emotions, their surroundings, and little quirks.


Plot Development
I was able to follow the story with no stumbling points. But, I have some questions:

> What was the main character's Human number?
> We get an idea of the people around them, but what about their environment? I picture a cold, antiseptical-type of living.
> What kind of jobs did they have? It sounds like it could be a more robotic world.
> What did the jail cell look like? Was it a dirt floor? Concrete? Steel?
> How did the boss discover their secret? Was the boss young or old? I picture someone older but I wonder how he could be so convinced of the rules of no copulating. It would seem to me that an older person might be a bit more easily persuaded to overlook things.


Setting:
There are many opportunities to describe the character's surroundings. This helps the reader to "see" what's happening in the story. I'll try to give you an example of what I mean.

Here's what you've written: I awoke, badly beaten with my vision seriously impaired, tied up in what could only be described as a prison cell. The police call it The Joy Chamber so as not to offend anyone.


Here's what I mean about adding to the surrounding characteristics: The chamber was a concrete box with metal bars keeping us inside.

Or maybe it's a bit more modern like a steel cell with laser bars keeping them inside.

Not great examples, but I hope you understand what I mean.


Suggestions:

His tone was a such that I knew, no matter what I had said, nothing would have quelled his anger. Remove the "a."

There's no need for a comma here because a question mark is already there. "Ya' done?", enquires the boss.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This piece made me feel sad and I was surprised at the violence that ensued. I'm glad we don't live in this kind of world, at least not yet!

You're a good story-teller. I enjoyed reading your piece.

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!



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24
24
Review of Flight 657  
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Angus.
Because you've reviewed my works I wanted to return the favor. So, I took a look through your port and found this story "Flight 657.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Oh my gosh! This totally reminds me of all those darn Tarzan shows where the natives would capture people and strap them to two trees, then let the trees rip. I hated those shows! They really warped me.

*Check2* Flow:
I think the story flowed well. I didn't get confused or stumble anywhere.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
I was able to picture the plane wreckage, their trek through the jungle and the scene with her being hailed. I kept thinking they would run into a snake but no, they ran into something much worse.

*Check2* Characters:
Eddie and Mandy. They seemed real to me. Eddie took on a great responsibility by becoming Mandy's protector.

*Check2* Dialogue:
The dialogue flowed superbly. I was able to follow their conversations perfectly. It was as if I were standing right there with them. I didn't like that because of the fear I felt for them! I don't ever want to explore a jungle. *Ha*

*Check2* Emotional Content:{/b
I've already pointed out my fear of snakes and jungles, but to survive an airplane crash would be scary as well. Given the option of not surviving the plane crash or waiting around in a jungle, I think I'd take the not surviving choice! Yes, it would be that scary for me.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
I only found one area I thought you might want to know about:

He sat down beside Mandy, and for next twenty minutes neither one of them said anything.
I think you left out "the" between for and next.

*Check2* Closing thoughts:
I always enjoy your stories even if they scare me sometimes. You're very talented and I wish you the best.


Thank you for sharing your work.
~Elizabeth


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25
25
Review of Andy  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Joe DeLucia !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Andy. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.

I found your piece under Read and Review.


What I Like:

This was a story that made me feel happy and sad at the same time. It depicts a number of families' situations in such a hard life. I did have to look up what "wop" meant, though. Goes to show how much I know about that day and age.

I like the title of the story as well, as it is Andy's story.

I liked that the story was easy to read. I didn't stumble over anything. The only thing I disliked about it was the story itself, but not because it wasn't well written, rather it made me really sad for Andy.


My Favorite Part:
The story made me smile but only after knowing that he was successful


Setting:
This story took place at the Labor Hall and at both of Andy's residences. I was able to picture all of them clearly.


Plot:
Andy seemed real to me and this story could be a truthful recount of someone's real life. I was able to follow Andy's travels and successes as we walked through his life of different jobs that he did to make ends meet and feed, house, and clothe his family.


Suggestions:
I've learned that certain words, used as verbs or helping verbs, makes passive voice. "Was" is one of those words and I found that word used a number of times.

One small example is:

Andy stood proudly, chin up, chest out. There was a large sign hanging directly over his head.

This could be written like this:

Andy stood proudly, chin up, chest out. A large sign hung directly over his head.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a bittersweet story and I think you did a fine job. It really depicted, in my opinion, the day and life of a migrant worker in that day and age.

Keep writing and learning. You've done a wonderful job.




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