I'm sorry you had to make that decision for your mother. It was definitely a tough one. I've never been in that position, so I can only imagine what you went through.
It's good you had a close relationship with your mother. Many people don't have that.
You have a good friend. I also take Abilify, among other meds. It's been a huge help.
That's wonderful that you're able to write again! Keep it up.
As for the writing, I saw one small thing: "Anna, don't you ever let anyone tell you that you never took good care of me, because you did".
Boy, doesn't time just keep marching on! As I read through this poem, I nodded my head in understanding. My favorite stanza is the last. It sums it all up. Fabulous job!
These are simply my thoughts and opinions. Please take what you can use and toss out the rest.
You've done a nice job with this story. It kept me hooked through to the end. However, I did get pulled out of the story in a few places. The descriptions of each of the characters come off as an information dump, in my opinion. It reads more comfortably when those details are spread throughout the story.
There are a couple of places where you bounce between the character's point of view. Here's one: He considered this a moment. She's only a girl, he thought condescendingly. Wouldn't disrupt the program to let her stop a moment. This came from his point of view as opposed to continuing with her point of view. You could write something like, "She watched his facial features change as he struggled to make a decision."
It's not a great example, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey.
The ending brought a solution to both of their problems. For him to not go to jail, and for her to not get killed!
I think you did a great job! Thank you for the opportunity to read and review.
This is an enticing synopsis of a greater story, for sure! It's definitely something you could make into a longer writing. Are there any scientists in the town who could help investigate and report on what is happening? Is there someone who will take advantage of the dark and commit crimes? There would be no playing outside for the kids. Would this continue throughout the week? Throughout the month? So many questions.
Also, make sure to use paragraphs. That makes it easier to read than one long writing.
I hope you consider writing more. Ask yourself a lot of "What if" questions.
The young age of Mario at the beginning, for me, is a bit unbelievable. I think it would be good to start him off a little older for this statement to mean more: Despite his young age, Mario is a former rebel with a strong motive: to locate his mother and sister who are in the City of St. Beauty. I'm thinking that maybe you could start him off as a teenager and age him from there. This would help make this statement a bit more believable as well: ... he manages to overcome them using his rebel experience and survival skills.
The story is interesting, and I'm curious to know what happens next. This is something I would read.
I'll try and get to The Story Plot Version 1 when I can.
I like this poem and think you've done a very nice job. I understand what you mean about the last line. I don't think it's bad, but it does have one more syllable than the line before it. I don't have any suggestions on how to fix it, unfortunately. It's difficult for me to find the rhyming scheme in the last words of each line.
I'm sure you'll figure out something. I enjoyed the poem.
I like reading your ongoing stories. I do need to read some past entries to get myself all caught up, though.
I noticed a few things along the way.
"How are managing with that?"
Just missed the "you."
So, the part when the doctor comes in and Dana asks about having the same conversation twice, there are two places where you say "chuckled." They are a few sentences apart. Maybe find another word, like laughed or snickered, or smiled for one of those.
"well, it certainly can't hurt."
Just forgot the capitalization.
These are little scenes, and I enjoy reading them.
I enjoyed reading your essay. I feel like a kid telling their parent that they don't want to do something, even though they know it's good for them. Ha! I know I need to spend time with Him and His word, but do I do it? Sometimes. Reading His word, at times, doesn't seem as exciting as reading other books. I guess that's what sin does, huh? Distracts us from Him.
I think of the situation like I do with my Earthly parents—they just want our time, and so does He. Unfortunately, I haven't made a lot of time for either. I know it's a reminder, but will I do anything about it? I'd like to. I'll have to pray for the help to do it.
I so know what you mean about distractions from praising and worshiping God and spending time with Him. I was once in a Bible study class where we discussed distractions. Someone likened it to traveling down the road and not being able to focus on the road in front of us because of all the things distracting us on either side. That has stuck with me ever since.
I like the format of your essay. I didn't think to put in paragraph headers. But I don't typically write essays, so if they're supposed to be there, I didn't include them.
Thank you for the reminder that if we pray for the strength to read His word and be closer to Him, He'll help. Not that He won't help even if we don't, but it will bring us closer.
Thank you for sharing your non-fiction essay. I do find non-fiction a little bit easier to write. But creative non-fiction, I'm not so sure. Ha!
These are beautiful memories. I'm glad you were able to enjoy the road trip with your dad. I can't say I've ever seen a Burma shave sign, but the one you note is certainly true! The population sign is hilarious. I'm glad you have that memory to look back on.
I think it's awesome you visited again with your wife. It's too bad the town was deserted. I bet the owners of the diner would have had many stories to tell. (Note: you put an extra "n" in the word diner.)
I love this story! I like that it was a happy story about planting and raising a tree and seeing the payoff of your efforts. Many of the stories I hear about are when a divorce happens, and the husband (typically) drives by the house and sees the tree he planted early in their marriage.
I think the tree is awesome. I like its wild and craziness. This is such a warm memory of your dad.
I found this on the "Please Review" page. A mother's love is always intriguing to me. It's fun to read about how other's perceive mothers, even if it is fictional.
While this is a short piece, I believe it captured the emotion well. I enjoyed the opening excitement. Then, I could feel Sybil's disappointment after going through all the steps to prepare for Wayne's visit, only to receive a text informing her otherwise. I was hurt for her! Maybe it's because I understand that disappointment as many other mothers out there do.
You used a pleasant font size, making it comfortable to read.
I saw one instance of passive voice, "Though her heart was broken, she still loved her son with an everlasting and unconditional love."
I think you've done a fine job with this short story.
I was so surprised with myself! I didn't think I knew the meanings behind them, but I did! This was a fun quiz. I'll have to make sure I add some roses into my next story. Thank you.
I sure wish I had this kind of advice when I was in school! This is a fabulous inspirational piece. You give sound advice. The one thing I will say is that it was difficult to read, for me, because it was all one paragraph. I think you could break it up into at least two. Maybe at "I know this is spiraling but too many waste their time and energy on trying to be normal."
Judging has always been a thing and I'm sure it always will be because there are too many opinionated people out there who aren't afraid to share, even if it's unwanted.
My daughter dyed her hair blue. I took her to get it done. My husband made the comment, "She calls herself an introvert but goes out and does something that gets people's attention." That's just who she is. He's so judgy, I can't stand it sometimes. I found a website that states:
Blue hair: typically signifies a quiet, soft-spoken, intellectual, sometimes even introverted character – albeit often one with a surprisingly strong will.
May I share this with her?
This is one of my favorite sentences: Let them show you who they are instead of you deciding for them. I love that.
You did an excellent job with grammar and spelling. I found nothing that needs correction.
Kind of makes me want to print out a bunch of copies of this, laminate them, and have them ready to hand out to teens and tweens. Don't know if you have a school paper in which you could maybe get it printed, but I think people need to read this.
You've written a wonderful piece here. I hope you continue to write!
I remember being a teen and the questions were the same then. (An extremely long time ago!) My daughter is now the same age as you are. I work hard to include her in almost everything I do and experience. I want her to enjoy, as you say, the beauty of being a teen. Excellent poem!
Isn't this the truth! You did a fantastic job of summarizing our daily communications, for sure! You portrayed messages that we get from business and corporate leaders all the time. Sometimes it's almost like playing make-believe.
I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "The Child of the Water" . I would like to share my thoughts.
Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions.
I was checking out Charlotte's Castle and saw the introduction of new PDG members. Welcome!
So, I perused your port and found this story.
Overall Impression
I love the title. It matched the story perfectly.
I was so excited for Rar, who was full of adventure and bravery. He was his own person and enjoyed spending time with his dad.
I was anxious and 'on the edge of my seat' during the sea monster scene.
You were able to bring excitement and energy to the story. You captured my attention and held it throughout the story. I wasn't sure how I'd like this story when I first checked it out in your port. It was a pleasant experience.
Setting
I loved the idea of a village of 'water people' living deep in the ocean. It's something I've fantasized about. I know it's weird, but I've always wondered about ships that have been 'lost' in the Bermuda Triangle. Wouldn't it be cool if they found themselves in an underwater world?
Plot
The characters seemed real, even his sister. You did a fantastic job creating these characters and bringing life to them. I loved the description of their white hair.
I was able to follow the story with no interruptions or stumbling. I didn't have to go back and re-read anything. It all made sense and flowed well.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar
I noticed just a couple of things.
“Um…A little, sir.” He’s barely slept!I think you might have meant "He'd" barely slept.
“Brother, why haven’t you bought a new mattress for my bed?!There should only be one punctuation mark after a sentence. Since this is a question, the question mark would be best. The excitement has been portrayed through the language so I believe the reader would understand without the exclamation point.
Final Thoughts/Comments
I loved this story. I like fantasy and this piqued my interest and curiosity. I would love to read more about Rar and his apprenticeship.
I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "True" . I would like to share my thoughts.
Please remember these are only my thoughts and opinions.
Overall Impression
This story was full of energy. I felt anxious to know what was going to happen next.
Plot
So much seemed to happen at once. The events took place in an order that seemed realistic for the story. You introduced the background story and brought us to the current point in time where Dream sat next to her ailing father. Then she was thrown into a new situation.
Scene/Setting
I couldn't decide if this story took place in a room in a cave or a castle. I wonder if the room was warm or cold? I would hope warm, but since they are dragons it could be that cold is more comfortable.
Characters
I enjoyed meeting Dreamhunter and the dragon who swooped into the room with the scroll and message.
I did wonder about her dad. What did he look like since he was so ill? Did he cry out in his sleep? Was he coherent enough to speak to his daughter?
Grammar and Mechanics
I didn't find any errors with grammar, spelling, or punctuation.
Suggestions
Maybe a little more description like the temperature of the room.
Also, a quick little description of the delivery dragon would help, in my opinion, to bring the reader a little more into the story.
I wondered about Dream's necklace. What did it look like? I pictured something akin to large, white various shaped stones but that may be completely different than what you pictured.
Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it.
Ah, poetry. I don't know a lot about it, which is evident in the poetry I've attempted , but I enjoy rhyming poetry. You get into a rhythm and everything reads so smoothly.
A place of darkness, someplace none of us wish to be. You've portrayed it well. It reminds me of being in a deep depression trying to free yourself. It made my heart feel heavy. Ultimately, prayer helps to break free.
Then, finally, a sliver of hope ensues. It's like a huge weight being lifted. Then thank Him for his grace.
PLEASE REMEMBER, these are only my thoughts and opinions.
Overall Impression:
I loved this story, but I'm all about romance. Well, not all about romance, but I like it. I like the title as well. It fits nicely with the story.
This piece definitely gave me the warm and fuzzies. I like how in the midst of working together Steve and Sharon forged their own opinions of the other and how much it varied from what they'd heard around the office. Sounds to me like those in the office were a little jealous.
The writing was smooth and flowed well. I didn't run into any "bumps" where I had to reread anything or lost my way. I stayed in the story to the end. Nothing took me out of the story.
I also liked how you gave the reader both characters' points of view. I like those kinds of books where each chapter focuses on the different characters in the story. I could see you writing one of those kinds of stories.
My Favorite Part:
I think this was a creative story. I liked the idea of them working for an advertising agency and being placed on the same project together.
Something that made me smile is something I've already talked about and that's where they admitted to themselves that they listened to office gossip instead of coming to their own conclusions about the other. But sometimes I think that's the way it is in life. It takes a while to kind of come to your senses and think about things rationally.
Setting:
So, the story took place in an advertising agency. The one thing that was missing for me was the setting. It would have brought the reader into the story a little more by describing their surroundings. It makes the reader feel like they're there in the office with the characters. For example, were they in a conference room or an office working on the project? I pictured something like a conference room with windows, but that may not be at all what you were thinking of when you wrote it.
Plot:
The characters seemed real to me even if we didn't get a description of them. That would have added to the story though, in my opinion. For example, And why hadn't he noticed before how her eyes sparkled when she smiled? Adding a simple color of her eyes would have helped to picture the character here.
I was able to follow the story in that both were hesitant to work with the other based on what others in the office said about them.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found no punctuation, spelling, or grammar mistakes.
Final Thoughts/Comments
After reading through the stories in your port I want to tell you that I think you do a fantastic job with them. The only thing I would recommend is to expand on them and draw them out a little more. I give you this advice as it was given to me. I also don't seem to write very long pieces. I try, but I write everything down that's in my head and that's all I can come up with, you know?
But as this was written for a contest, I'm not sure if a word limit was set. That would make a big difference.
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading through your port.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for participating in the Chinese New Year Celebration.
I am not a poet, but I try. With that, I want to state that these are only my thoughts and opinions.
Favorite Lines
My favorite line is: they dwell within me now, my place of dreams.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling
I saw no punctuation, grammar, or spelling errors.
Overall Impression
I enjoyed this poem. It brought back memories of running around when I was a child, exploring through the woods. I could picture the character sitting atop the boulder. I felt disappointed about the change in scenery.
Parting Comments
I think you did a wonderful job with this poem. The imagery was perfect. I don't know a lot about poetry but I can tell you that I understood this poem. It wasn't a foreign feeling.
It's funny that you just reviewed my work and now I'm reviewing yours.
I am reviewing for I Write 2019 and have just read "Shackled" . I would like to share my thoughts.
PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.
First Impression
This is definitely dark. I felt sad for this person, which is what I hope is the emotion you wanted the reader to feel.
What I like
I love rhyming poetry and this had a great flow.
Mechanics
With the rhyming theme, it was pleasant to the ear. Although I know that when poetry was first written it was for oral reading so rhyming didn't play a part.
Voice
One thing I noticed is that there were two voices but one was silent and spoke only with "it's will."
Tone
We can hear by the tone that he despised what he was being made to do.
Mood
This mood, for me, was deep and dark and sad and scary.
Imagery
The images described were crisp and clear. I could picture the chains and the blade.
Summary
I enjoyed this poem albeit it's dark nature. It is a fantastic dark Quatrain. Excellent job.
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, but I enjoy rhyming poetry. You get into a rhythm and everything reads so smoothly.
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