|Hello, Mastiff .
I am reviewing this story as part of I Write 2019. (I sure thought I completed this a while ago. I apologize it's so late.)
This is a creepy story, perfect for the SCREAMS contest.
I feel the flow is sporadic. In most places, it flowed well, but in others, it is a little splotchy. I was taken out of the story because it was hard for me to follow. (But I may be the only person who had this problem.)
The scenes took place in different locations. I believe it started in a hospital room, then, through memories, moved to a sports arena, then back to reality in the hospital.
There were a number of characters, which kind of made it difficult for me to understand. We just got a 'taste' of all of them. But once I put it all together I was able to comprehend the different scenes.
This part had me confused as to who was speaking because of the last sentence of the paragraph before the dialogue:
... I said I was sorry, and she looked at my gear.
"Played a sorry game, too!"
"Wait!" She stopped.
"Could I buy you a new cup of coffee at least?"
I thought she was the first person to speak, but I don't think that's correct. Once I reread it, I understood that he was the first speaker.
I felt a little emotion from the last section of the story where she professed her love to him. I understood it as kind of a Romeo and Juliet kind of ending. Well, except for the very last part. It must have been the drugs talking.
Grammar and Mechanics:
I found no errors with grammar or spelling. Nice job.
Although it was difficult for me to follow, on the third read I finally understood the whole thing. I don't think you gave yourself enough time to 'flesh out' your story. It was as though the reader was given little excerpts of what really happened.
However, I think it ended up an awesome SCREAMS story. I did find it creepy and kind of, if you know of it, Twilight Zone material.
Good luck in the contest! I enjoyed reading and reviewing.