Dawn Embers's (elfmage7) Reviews

Public Reviews

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#4702119

Review of The Dance  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)

Given:   Jul 1, 2023 at 11:23pm

Length:   2,061 Characters | 2,007 w/o WritingML

Hello PB Curtis . Here are some thoughts on the store you posted in the Weekly Quickie contest forum. First Impression: It is a nice story with potential that had a cute ending. I like the element of romance put into it though have some thoughts on ways to make the story a little easier to read. Characters/Story: Since you had room, I would suggest maybe putting more detail into the story. Where you talk about her hair and the scents, that was a great moment. It gave more than just some dialogue or short actions in the short paragraphs of the story. It was a nice touch and brought to the ending, where the story held attention better. Other Notes: Just a few thoughts on aspect of the story that you can maybe consider. A big one that would make it easier without changing any story element would be in how you space the paragraphs. Each time there is a paragraph, I recommend putting a space between them. It doesn't need to be big, just one extra enter before starting the next. That will help avoid it looking like a block of text and give the chance to develop the paragraphs further. With more detail on some to make them longer you can have varying paragraph lengths as variety also helps the readers. For contests, it can help to add information at the end of the static item. Word count is one. I do appreciate you had the word count listed in the item. Another you could add is the prompt used and the contest entered. That's not so much for the judge but for people who might come upon your story and that way they know the inspiration. I'm not a big fan of the colorful font in a story unless there is a prompt that required specific words used. The different font, in that case, helps the person find it in the story. If there isn't a noticeable reason, it comes off random and out of place. At least for me. I'm sure there are other people who like having the different things used and quirks in the story on WDC. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. ~~Image ID# 1850193's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~ My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4701851

Review of ruwth is writing...  

for entry "~The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living.~" 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jun 29, 2023 at 11:23am

Length:   3,112 Characters | 3,060 w/o WritingML

Hello ruwth . I am here to review your essay as part of "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+] since you posted below my entry in the forum. These are just some of my thoughts on the item and contest entered. I hope that it helps you. Initial Reaction: It is a nice choice in topic and approach to the discussion over self reflection. The influence for the topic came from the prompt but you brought about the personal side that helps bring a reader into the conversation. It is a good idea for a personal essay. Just needs a little work and editing to make it even more solid. Contest: The contest requires to write an essay. Here you have the personal approach to an essay, taking your thoughts and experiences over taking a personal inventory and putting it online for us to read. Topic/Idea: This is a good topic and you picked a great quote to focus around. It is something many of us have heard, even with different religious beliefs or different backgrounds. It is something we can relate too and you do well with bringing in your own personal experience with the struggle. It's not an easy task to do, taking a personal inventory of everything. Notes and Suggestions: Overall, you've got a good start and with some minor edits, it should be something other readers can enjoy and find themselves within. One thing to adjust is in the first paragraph. You have the quotation that I think is from the Oxford Groups. You have the beginning with the proper markings but then missed the end " marks, which makes it hard to tell if it is just the one sentence or more. Some of the paragraphs, including the first, could use a little more development or information for the reader. It's not an error, but something that could be considered if you have word count to develop it more. In the first paragraph, you have something to grab attention and a little bit of information with the groups before you go into the personal element but the reader might be helped if more was added to shift between the elements. Perhaps there is a way to word your main point (beyond the starting quote) that adds to why the two groups mentioned are a good example that might tie those things together. You could also move the last sentence to a different paragraph. If you want to play with the start of the essay, maybe consider starting with the quotation and source of title. It might work better to state about examining life, then discuss who might be the source of the words. As for the rest, just check for minor things when you do an edit. The usual, spelling, word strength and even in essays try to keep the tense the same (such as the second paragraph). That is the normal stuff for any writing here on the site and nothing too big to fuss. A quick line edit and it's all good to go on that range. Nice work with putting together the essay and taking the risk in doing something so personal. I'm not a big fan of writing about myself, which is why I stick to fiction most of the time, so I commend you for taking the approach with the essay. Good luck! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4700771

Review of Hunger  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jun 18, 2023 at 5:47pm

Length:   1,942 Characters | 1,886 w/o WritingML

Greetings Sumojo . I am reviewing your story today as part of the "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+] since I posted after you in the forum. Nice job in keeping up with the challenge. We are at the halfway point almost and so much writing to go. Initial Reaction: It is a very touching and sad, flash fiction story that is unfortunately fair too possible. Brings a sadness to reality to know children live in settings much like the characters you have created. Contest: The dialogue 500 is quite the challenge for a contest. Having to write under 500 words, create a story and not use any dialogue isn't easy. Good job in creating a story that pulls emotions within the limits of the contest. You did well not using actual dialogue with the hint of the mother wanting to say something but nothing being needed. Nicely done. Thoughts and Suggestions: Overall, you have done a good job with a limited word count. The main suggestion I have for this flash fiction, no dialogue, entry would be to consider the paragraph spacing. You don't need a lot of space, but giving an extra enter when typing so there is one line of white between each paragraph will help for the eyes and also give a little better pacing. Right now, it's a bulk section so having that space will look better on the computer screen. If you feel so inclined to edit, you could do a little trimming of extra words or tweak a couple sentences in the middle. One sentence came off a little bit of a run-on, not wrong but in my mind was a little clunky to read. Another option would be the added words like "very" as the reason for the word is clear but the sentence may actually be stronger or more pin pushing on the emotion by having a flat "sick" acknowledgement. Just my thoughts. It all is well written but we can always adjust a little when editing. Good luck with the contest and the writing challenge. Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4698374

Review of The Will  

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   May 24, 2023 at 1:31pm

Length:   2,409 Characters | 2,346 w/o WritingML

Hello Espero . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the image based prompt. First Impression: Ah, yes. A will can be a tense situation and makes for quite a little bit of conflict to focus a short story around. It is a nice choice. I may not have thought of that when I saw the prompt but it also made sense considering everything involved. And a bonus for having something in the item description that will grab someone's attention. Once contests are done, there need to be reasons (like title and item description) to get someone to read an item and you've got a good approach with the question. Prompt: For the contest, it's fun and somewhat easy to use an image as the prompt because it needs to be seen somewhere but doesn't have to dominate the whole story. I feel any of the judges had an easy enough time to find the prompt in the story. I do think you did well with finding a story based off the still image of the man with the paper. Story Thoughts: You had a challenge with this story and that came with the contest word count limit. Trust me, as a novel writer, I know that challenge because it's a struggle whenever I try to enter an official contest or any short contest to keep the story within the constraints. There are some parts where, in this story, it is very focused on the dialogue. The characters talking are important but because having to keep things limited, some of the talking felt like it lacked a little in the detail and information page. Not that we want to explain everything, cause that bores readers. However, if it's a lot of short time talking it starts to put the speed on the reader so they go down through the story quick but may not be as interested in what is going on in the story. Pacing is a challenge and I think that's where this story could use a little work. Final Comments: Overall, you put quite a bit of story into the 2000 word limit of the contest and made a good choice based on the prompt provided. While the story feels like it needs more, you did manage to put forward a strong presentation for the reader. It might not have pulled me in with the particular characters, but there are other readers who will be more interested in the tale over the will. Good job and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4698316

Review of ruwth is writing...  

for entry "~Daddy's Tree~" 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   May 23, 2023 at 10:09pm

Length:   2,061 Characters | 1,985 w/o WritingML

Greetings, ruwth . I am reviewing your poem as part of "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+] As usual, it is good to see you taking part in the challenge and putting your writing out there, helping contests get entries. The poem is a good choice and I'm glad to be the one to do the review. Initial Reaction: The haiku is always a nice treat because it's a short poem but has power behind the minimal lines and syllable count. This one had an added bonus due to the extra requirement from the contest. Thinking of May with the potential for gardening as we get closer to summer, the natural focus was a good choice. It also made sense considering haiku is often done focusing on nature as a topic. It is a nice poem overall and is clearly a good memory. Prompt: I checked the contest first in order to see the prompt see for the challenge we have to enter contests here on the site. While it would be nice to have that information somewhere after the poem, since we have the information in the challenge within your post, that is fine. And you picked a fun contest. I don't write poetry much anymore but that looks like a fun round for the contest. The addition of the photo to enhance the poem was a great bonus. Form: From my glance/read, it does look like you followed the general requirements with the haiku. I know it has a specific syllable count for each line. There has to be choices made when having this kind of limit as I'm sure there is a lot more you could say about the picture and your Daddy's Tree. Nice work with what you created. Favorite Part: The photo and the addition you add with the information for anyone who wants to click on the poem. I hope others click and get more to the story behind everything. You could only put so much in a haiku and the use of the note with the picture was well done. Final Thoughts: Overall, good work with the poem. It's going to be a tough round for the judges. Keep up the great work and write more! Keep Writing My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4697756

Review of An Alchemist Recipe  

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   May 19, 2023 at 4:51pm

Length:   2,415 Characters | 2,350 w/o WritingML

Hello damonnomad. My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the image based prompt. First Impression: It is interesting when going into a story knowing a prompt and seeing the different creations people make. I never would have thought about an alchemist based off the image, yet having read this story it does make sense to have the character from the inspiration as the professor. You put a lot into this story, and it shows. Prompt: The prompt is easy enough to see in the challenge. It helps with an image that focuses on showing a person because it gives a spark but allows for a variety of options when it comes to the plot and conflict. Having a character that a reader can distinguish from a few details helps for both the writer and the judge who has to search for the inspiration. You did well in following the prompt. Story Thoughts: Nice work with the story. You clearly used all of the words you could within the word limit in order to tell this particular tale. And even in that regard, it does feel like there could have been more written. It doesn't jump around too much, though you did have to cut away in scenes in order to keep things in the limit but also to not create a whole novel. The main character does make some decisions. He isn't a good guy but it's also not to the point where it would make it unpleasant to read. There is a fine line between bad guy point of view and having someone we don't care to read about. You did well keeping it on the right side of that line. The only difficult was that some aspects were a little harder to read and follow. Thinks this shows more in the end with where it trails off to not quite know what happens but the reader can make some guesses. It's nothing technical that I would point out. More of a personal read, so for me, it was a little bit of a dry story with just a touch less pull or interest for my personal taste. Nothing against it. Different readers will have a different reaction to the characters and story. Final Comments: Nice work. Thank you for taking the time to put together this story and patience as it did take us some time for the official judging and such. I hope you enjoyed the challenge and had fun creating the story from an image prompt. Keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4697497

Review of Burning issue  

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   May 17, 2023 at 11:19pm

Length:   2,907 Characters | 2,849 w/o WritingML

Hello Sumojo . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the image based prompt. First Impression: The story has both some good elements and some aspects that could use a little work. From the starting lines, you create a scene and pull the reader in, whether they came to it from the contest or through a random read approach. While the main character isn't the most likable option, there are also readers who appreciate that approach in story creation. Prompt: From the description of the character, we can get the influence of the prompt. The fun part of the image is that it doesn't have to take over the entire story to qualify. We need to see if in the story but where the writer goes from or around that point, is up to the imagination. So, this does a good point in qualifying for the contest based on the prompt usage. Story Thoughts: You have a good approach with the story that could be well appreciated by different readers. While it has a potential, there are also some aspects to maybe consider adjusting. You can't please every reader, so having the unlikeable main character might not be well met by everyone, but it is fitting for the particular story. Others will appreciate the approach and connect in particular then with how it ends. It wasn't the easiest for me to follow but part of that comes in how you are trying to show aspects of the main character's life to make the plot more understandable. There are just a couple of things that I noticed on the technical side. In particular, the spacing of paragraphs feels off to me. From my point of view, you need more space. It seems like there should be more paragraphs in the story. I tend to follow the rule of thumb that every paragraph should be separated by a space. It doesn't need to be a big space, just one line. Changes in time from, point of view or shifts where a section with a big change, then you would need a bigger space between paragraphs. Example: The first section of words should be three paragraphs. Making a few technical adjustments will help the reader as they work through the short story. Is there a reason for the blank space at the end of the story? It almost seems like you wanted to put the image from the prompt there or something but it's hard to say since the story ends, there is a chunk of blank pace then the little copyright line that is at the bottom of every static item on the site. Not that it is incorrect, just something that stands out and caused a question mark in my mind. Final Comments: While there are some aspects that could use a little work, overall you did well in coming up with a story based off an image prompt. Thank you for taking the time to enter the contest months ago. I hope you had fun. Keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4697475

Review of The Book of Spells  

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   May 17, 2023 at 9:15pm

Length:   2,210 Characters | 2,147 w/o WritingML

Hello super sleuth . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the image based prompt. First Impression: Nice work with this story. It catches the attention from the beginning with a good balance of description and action. We get to see some details but not over the top so that things also happen to bring the reader into the story. It was a quick read but you managed a fair amount in the flash fiction length. Prompt: While there were some elements in the description of the character in the beginning that differed from the image prompt, it was still easy to see the influence in the story. Having the picture at the beginning does help for those that don't know where the inspiration came from but the judges had an easy enough time telling even without that. You did a nice work putting a character into the conflict of a story and struggle from the start. You went with the book more than a paper but that's fine and still works within the framework of inspiration. Story Thoughts: You did well creating a story in such a short length. Even though I run a contest that uses this short of a word count, it always amazes me what people can do in under 1k. I'm more of a novel writer so it always amazes me when a story is feeling complete in very short counts. On a different note, I don't often go with the bold font for a whole story because it can feel a distraction to do anything different when it comes to font. However, I do think that in this case and font size, this is fine. It's easy to read but doesn't go past the line to where it would be a little distracting. I was able to focus on the character and what he has to endure. *spoiler* It isn't a happy end and we don't have answers to the questions of what happens. It may be the downside for some readers. It's okay though, at least for me, with this one. Final Comments: I hope you enjoyed the challenge of the contest. It has taken a while for things to end so I'm not sure if you'll do anything more with this particular piece. Hope it was fun and that you keep on writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4695766

Review of Contest Entries  

for entry "Pets are Wonderful Month" 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Apr 30, 2023 at 8:15pm

Length:   2,461 Characters | 2,400 w/o WritingML

Hello Angdea Macabre Shalom My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing and good luck with the contest. Initial Reaction:: I love pets. I have two cats and a side gig where I take care of other peoples pets. Mostly I help with cats but have taken care of dogs, a lizard and a turtle. So, this topic is my jam and I'm always happy to read anything that celebrates the animals in our lives. I also like that it's short words, kind of choppy style for the poetry. Like, I don't need sentences and punctuation always in poetry. At times, it's is fitting to just putt the words down and let them be, keeping it quick to move and word focused without too much fuss on the technical requirements of things like sentence structure. That was a good choice for this particular poem. Contest: I also know the contest based on the prompt without looking for the information that you are helpful in placing at the end of the static item. The poetry topic contest is fun with the different options. Nice that the pet day during April gave the chance for some pet focused poetry. You fit the prompt with the piece for sure. Technical Side: While the topic is great and the poem moves well, for the most part, I do have a couple of comments on the technical side for you to consider. In the fourth stanza (which has two lines), I think you should change it to "Pets come in" instead of "pets comes in" to follow correct grammar. If pets are plural the action doesn't need the s in this instance. The only other note I have is that it needs an ending. Like you make some really great points and are right on all aspects about pets but once we get to the line about what they do: play, nap, cry... it just stops. The poem doesn't feel done at that stage. We need something to give it closure. Final Thoughts: While I do think the poem could use just a little work, it's still a good approach to topic. I hope you had fun with creating it and if you add a little to the end, I'm all for seeing it again to check out what you come up with for the development. Good job in getting this done. It's hard writing every month and all the other activities or challenges you do too. Nice work and keep writing cause we've also got novel work to do now that we're getting into May. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4695606

Review of I Write - Decade Edition - Roaring 20's  

for entry "A Bit of Advise " 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Apr 29, 2023 at 12:11am

Length:   1,452 Characters | 1,396 w/o WritingML

Hello 💙 Carly: Joan Watson My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: The title provides a good starting point with the poem and helps to prepare the reader to know what to expect from the item. While simple and straightforward, it was helpful. General Comments: What I like about the poem is the message that it provides. It provides the reader what they might expect but in a different way with the poetic layout. While it is hard at times to pull off the use of you and talking to the reader, this is one time where it's needed and works. I will say that for me, the poetry part felt a little off. Like it could have been molded into a couple of paragraphs with the same message but just a different layout. I was just missing a sense of rhythm with the poem. And it's hard to tell with the punctuation and different lines if the sentence endings are where they should be. It could be tweaked or adjusted depending on how you want the lines to flow, if you feel so inclined. Just my random thought on the feel of the poem. Favorite Part: The message itself is the best part. "This too shall pass." Nice work with the poem and good luck with the contest entered. Hope you're doing well and making it through this year long writing challenge. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4691391

Review of Natural 20  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Mar 19, 2023 at 3:49pm

Length:   2,236 Characters | 2,187 w/o WritingML

Hi there Jeff Thank for entering the Weekly Quickie Contest weeks ago. I am a little late in sending the review but still very much appreciated the attempt to enter the round and your take on the prompt. It was fun and I hope you enjoyed writing for the contest as it simmers along in this 2023 restart. First Impression: A good approach and well put together flash fiction story that shows the start of possible romance. The main character gets nervous, makes a bold move online and reaps the benefits of getting a date. Prompt: This is key and easy to see in the story because of the use in technology, with the text speak and the online meeting point to see the non-dating site approach. You did well with taking the prompt but making it feel natural for the story. It's not forced and didn't feel like a part was added just to qualify for the prompt. You're a veteran for contests on here so it's easy to expect a well followed prompt from you. Characters/Story: Even if the story is very short, we get to see a nice slice of life type of scene with believable characters. It has some aspects of the game where they meet online but doesn't go overly involved in details that might confuse a non-gaming reader. While we don't know what happens to the characters, if they have a good date or if romance develops, it's a good start. Other Notes: Overall, the set up is well done between characters, setting and the plot. On the technical side, it's well written. While I tend to prefer not using different color font, in this case it is clear why you made the decision. The color choice is a little stereotypical with the pink and blue. I liked the use of them in But I'm a Cheerleader since it was making fun of the forced male/female concepts. However, for the story maybe a change in color choice could give more insight to the characters if using the color font. Maybe there are colors that relate to their characters in the game where they met, though I don't know enough about games and character to know if that is at thing. Anyways, just nit picking. Nice work with the story. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep writing! ~~Image ID# 1850193's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~ My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4691294

Review of Lycanthropic Licentia  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Mar 18, 2023 at 3:41pm

Length:   2,282 Characters | 2,195 w/o WritingML

Greetings, Weirdone-Back in the games . I am reviewing your poem today as part of the write challenge for "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. I hope you are enjoying the challenges and entering the contests here on the site. Initial Reaction: Nice approach. I don't often think of linking horror with poetry, but you found a good way to make that attempt here. The contest made it obvious why you went the route and having to follow a form adds to the challenge. It seems like this would have been a fun one to write. The character brought into the poem suffering through a change into a monster really stands out and slashes or grabs attention as they are going through a terrible time. The emotions and struggles show through and get reiterated with the repeated lines. Contest/Prompt: The contest required the twist of horror, so it is obvious how that influenced the choice. One think you could consider adding at the end is maybe a link to the contest or put the prompt if there was one, so that a random reader (after reading the poem) could know the inspiration or influence. You could even use a drop note so that it doesn't distract from the poem and is there for those who want to know more. Form: I am glad you gave information about the form in the item. It's definitely good that you also mentioned what you changed so that someone wouldn't go in expecting it to follow the rules exact that are laid out in the poetic forms information. One thing to maybe consider would be to put the information about the form and change to the end of the poem instead of the beginning. This is personal preference, but I tend to prefer getting the story/poem first and finding out the extra details later after getting a chance to enjoy/experience the writing on its own. The information, especially with the change up on the syllable count, is important but could be put at the end as someone who doesn't know anything about the form won't be judging or reacting based on that aspect, they first can just appreciate the writing you have here. Final Thoughts: Overall, nice work in the syllabic and rhyming horror poem. Good luck with the contest and the challenge to write/review every single month. Keep Writing My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4688777

Review of Dating Apps  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Mar 1, 2023 at 11:15pm

Length:   1,930 Characters | 1,876 w/o WritingML

Hi there 💙 Carly: Joan Watson . This review is in connection with the Weekly Quickie contest, which you entered back in January. My apologies for taking so long to get the reviews going. February I joined too many challenges but am getting caught up now. I appreciated the entry and your attempt at my digital based dating prompt. First Impression: A well executed segment of a story that focuses on a main character who is trying to branch out into the dating world after many years not being on the market. It is well written with a strong focal point. Prompt: Overall, this followed the prompt well. It is a good example of making the prompt be the focus of a story in a way that makes sense without it coming off sounding forced. The character is what really helps as she struggles with the technology and faces her own romance conflicts. While it doesn't show a successful date or romance scene, it made a good use of the app based dating site prompt that was provided. Characters/Story: What really stands out here and helps to make the flash fiction story is the main character. I like that she is strong even when she is struggling. Despite having gone through some rough times and having to face someone close who betrayed her, she moves forward. Other Notes: Nice work overall. The only minor down side for me is the fact that we don't get to see more of romance for the main character or some success beyond a response back on the app. It is well written but doesn't have enough to feel like it's a romance or erotica story. It's a scene that could be in part of a much longer story. That is okay but it would have been hard to compare if other entries had been more in the expected genre. Just a side note. I still enjoyed the story and appreciate you took the time to attempt my prompt. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie Contest My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4688674

Review of Coma? Who's In A Coma?  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Feb 28, 2023 at 9:05pm

Length:   2,275 Characters | 2,214 w/o WritingML

Hello J D My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Initial Reaction: This is an interesting one based off the quotation prompt from the site official contest. I wanted to write for that one too but with the other story for Twenty-Three in Eleven and doing a novel writing challenge, I just didn't quite get that far. It was a good prompt so I can see why you picked it and came up with this piece. And the title and question draw some attention. Initially, with the question in the description about the characters and the title it reminded me of something one might read in a literature class that uses anthologies of short fiction. That is what came to my mind at first. Contest/Prompt: For the contest, you used the quotation directly, putting the words into the story for the one character to explain something to another. And it makes sense in this case. Sometimes, adding the quote directly can feel forced but for the story, the concept works considering the open eyes but not really being able to know if he was seeing anything (if it was that character who was in the coma). The official contests can be tough with the competition and different judges but at least you know this fits in the prompt so won't have any issues there. Technical Notes: The only issue I really had in reading it is that for some reason, when the lines are longer or it's a full paragraph, the parts of words got cut off on the right side. So, I was missing some small sections of the sentences and that made it difficult to follow since I'd see part of a word or even miss a small word. I know there is a way to fix that but I can't never remember it when I need to know. I even tried different browsers but couldn't get the full thing to show on the page. Do you use a processor and copy into WDC? Overall Impression: Overall, you did a good job incorporating the quotation prompt from a contest into a story that gives the reader something to think about in their interpretation or understanding of the moments in a story. Nice work and good luck with the contest. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4688491

Review of ruwth is writing...  

for entry "~ A Personal Prayer Poem ~" 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Feb 27, 2023 at 1:03am

Length:   1,430 Characters | 1,342 w/o WritingML

Greetings, ruwth . I am reviewing your poem today in connection with "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. Thank you for taking the time to create a poem and entering it in a contest here on the site. Overall Reaction: While a personal poem can be a challenge for some, and it might be for certain judges in a contest, it also is a core element of poetry. I can appreciate different elements that come from the words in the poem. In particular, what stand out to me is how aspects of the short lines create a flow that bring the reader along as they read the short item. The light repetition of particular elements are what create not only the rhythm but what will connect the readers to the words and what helps give it the strength of worship. I can imagine that this poem sounds strong in the mind for someone who could be helped by hearing the message to get through tribulations and find the time to rest too. Prompt: A freestyle poem prompt is nice because it allows freedom to focus on any style and word flow within the poem that the writer wants to take. It works in your favor here to create something that is focused on worship and inner dialogue to create a prayer one could repeat to themselves in the times when they need the words. Favorite Part: Let me be mindful of that today. Let me be mindful of YOU today. Keep Writing My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4684637

Review of Dear Me for 2023  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 29, 2023 at 11:59pm

Length:   2,976 Characters | 2,933 w/o WritingML

Hello 💙 Carly: Joan Watson . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. These are just some general thoughts from me with some reflection on the contest entered along with the entry you have created. I hope you enjoyed writing for the chosen contest and are having fun with the Write Challenge. First Impression: It can be hard at times to judge such an entry because it is personal. That also makes it very hard for people to judge the contest because almost all entries that are easy enough to read are good entries. It will be difficult for the judges that have to read our entries for the contest. I like the approach you took with giving a past look before getting to the focus of the letter, which is to make plans for the year. The little emoticons used in the list are playful and help break things up wit the added color. Nice work considering how things went in 2022 before bringing up the big goals for 2023. Also, I liked the use of the motto to combine with your goals of Growth and Focus. Prompt: This contest is one I have very little experience. I've never judged it even after all of these years as a moderator. This is also the first year I've done my own entry for the contest. Writing about myself was always awkward in school but I can understand how other people may enjoy it and even find the topic therapeutic. It is good to see people taking the challenge on that comes each January with the letter to self prompt that comes with the Dear Me contest. You did what was asked with the letter start as Dear Me and the topic involving plans for the year. Otherl Comments: I do have to admit that the beginning of the letter does give of a spacey vibe, which is what you point out. in the first paragraph. It does come off a little distracted with the discussion that occurs since you mention the tasks that had priority in January and in the second paragraph update what you are doing in the moment. It's not easy to see the tie so it comes off almost too informal and the distraction may be seen as a deference from a reader's perspective, at least one who is someone else even though the intended person for the letter is the self. Nothing wrong with the approach but it may not be as appreciated with some readers. It may also need a quick edit. Here is a sentence to consider for example: "My writing goal of completing my writing projects this year - aiming for publication can further be broken down to these aspects:" - The way it reads has an awkward sound with the repetition of "my writing" but that could just be me. Technical aspects aside, you do have some really good goals. I wish you the best of luck with the contest and your goals for the year. There is a lot to do but at least we have the rest of the year to work towards things. And it doesn't have to be finishing everything, but as you said, focus on what you want to prioritize and grow. Good luck! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4683489

Review of I Write - Decade Edition - Roaring 20's  

for entry "The Magic Of Winter" 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jan 20, 2023 at 2:26am

Length:   3,187 Characters | 3,133 w/o WritingML

Hello 💙 Carly: Joan Watson My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Twenty-three in Eleven "  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Prompt/Contest: This poem is written for a fun fantasy based contest Magic Poetry Contest. While I've never entered the poem one, I am fond of the prompts in the similar contest by the same Wdc member called Magic Words Contest. Here you've chosen to follow the music prompt, which is a challenge in itself. Music prompts can be hard to compete with because how people feel, react and interpret songs, in particular instrumentals, can vary. Having listened to the song after reading the poem, I can say that you did well with using the images and such from the video along with some of the experience one gets listening to the instrumental elements when you created the poem. It is a nice representation of the song in poetic form. General Comments: Overall, you have done well in this poem. It works in consideration for the prompt and the contest entered. It also has some elements that are very relatable for anyone who has gone for a walk late at night alone in the snow. I used to do that when I was young. Have music on, often instrumental music like anthems or big band type, or just go without the old CD players and walk down the long dirt road listening to my feet on the snow. There is an experience there that is so personal yet can be shared among anyone over the years. I will admit that there is a little less of a poetic feel to the piece in general for me. Not that it's a bad thing. The sounds with the lines and how they feel just have less of a poetic beat in my head. The appearance is the usual of the poem but something is a little off for me. And I would almost go with less capital letters as it causes me to falter as I read the lines to understand which ones are part of a sentence and which something new. Then again, I either go full punctuation in my poems or none at all (some readers really don't like that). So, it's a very personal choice in how you do the first letters of each line and what you use to guide the reader for breathing and flow. And for the first time, I would suggest that you consider putting the prompt link with the music at the start of the item instead of the bottom. Usually, I say any extra details (form, prompt, contest) don't need known as they might influence the reader in what to expect. With the particular influence of the song, it may help some to hear it first but it's not something that is necessary. Works fine at the end too as they can learn to appreciate it on a different level if they decide to follow the link. Favorite Part: Snow dances around me like a whirling dervish. I can see only a short distance ahead. It silences the world around me -- One that usually rings with constant chaos; Now silence reigns supreme. Final Thoughts: It is a nice poem that has a clear connection to its purpose but also one that random readers can appreciate. Good luck with the contest and the many months of this writing/review challenge. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4681384

Review of Another Chance to Live  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  

Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (3.0)

Given:   Jan 2, 2023 at 2:35pm

Length:   3,163 Characters | 3,112 w/o WritingML

Hi there Angdea Macabre Shalom . I am reviewing your story as part of the Weekly Quickie Contest. I appreciated your taking the time to come up with an entry for the round. First Impression: It's a good starting point for a story that could go well with a little more work and words to flesh things out for the potential readers. Prompt: This week had two options for prompts to consider that both involved a character needing to learn a lesson. Could pick from either Last Holiday or a Christmas Carol. The carol with the need to change after being visited by a ghost or something similar was the more popular choice though the take a risk for romance is more Last Holiday. This story does work in relation to the prompts with room to develop even more. Characters/Story: The story and characters are both elements that have potential but need further development. Even though Quickie is about keeping things short, having some levels of development and information for the reader will really help to make the story come together in a more complete fashion. We get a little insight into the main character and her struggles for love. Now show even more. Other Notes: There are a few areas in the story that would benefit from further development in order to make it stronger and more complete for readers to enjoy. The beginning - While it's common to start in the midst of action to get a readers attention, in this one it doesn't quite work because it puts the reader into the scene with no connection to character or story yet. Starting with dialogue can be tricky and since we don't get much detail in the beginning paragraphs about the set up, it's a little too reliant on the reader knowing and understanding what is going on. Without prompt or suggestion, a random reader may start off confused being put in so quick into things. Reason for the flowers - While flowers are often used for females, there has to be a little something more in order to understand why Jose would want to be given flowers. Because we don't get any details about the characters, we don't get to see why those are the options and why the main character thought the petal was right to "nimble on". Since you weren't at the word count limit, giving some more details about the characters could help. The end - this is also rushed. I know you were trying to put something together in time for the contest round while also doing other things so I understand that things can get rushed. However, a random reader is going to feel the end comes too quick and needs more development as a story. Not only does it just end quick with the Christmas lines, but she even just by saying hi talks about marriage someday. It's all kinds of fast at the end. Nothing wrong with that but the reader needs to know more for it to work that way. While the story does need a bit of work and rewriting, it was still a good attempt with making a quickie romance scene from a movie based prompt. Keep on working the skills with writing and you'll get there in the future. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Good Luck! ~~Image ID# 1850193's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~ My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4678159

Review of The Language of Love  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Nov 27, 2022 at 10:19pm

Length:   2,304 Characters | 2,278 w/o WritingML

Hi there Angdea Macabre Shalom First of all, thank you for making the effort to enter the contest. I know it can be a challenge and might not be your usual type of contest to enter. I appreciated the attempt you made for this. First Impression: It's a cute approach and start of a story. There isn't much to it because of the length and the focus for the brief amount shown is the start of them getting to communicate along with the reference of a date. It is a nice, pg approach to the start of something with lots of room to grow. Prompt: The prompt for the week you entered was to focus on a non-verbal approach to romance/erotica and in this regard the story does fit well.Having the one character not be able to talk. While it does hit the boarder line a little against the prompt because she does talk to him for the first 2/3rd of the very short story even she does get to the sign language at the end. This can be a fun dynamic to work with between characters for a romance story if you ever want to explore it further. Characters/Story: We get a slight insight into the two characters but could use more. It's just a taste to their story and could have used at least a few hundred words, if not more. But I like the idea behind the story and the different turns the two could take in their romance. The him almost asking but her really being the one to ask about things is fun. Other Notes: One thing that seemed a little off for me was that she said she didn't read sign language but the very next paragraph they are communicating in sign language. Maybe that could be adjusted to say she doesn't read it well or is learning is slower still. Something to imply she isn't an expert but does know some because it's clear she can read a little sign language since they use it to communicate at the end of the story. If you ever are interested in reading my approach to a similar duo, remind me some time on messenger or in IM as I've done a couple where one can't speak or hear and the other guy is a music major. I have some pg parts of their story written including the one trying to learn sign language. It can make for an interesting dynamic between characters, which is what draws me to the idea. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Good Luck! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4677248

Review of The voice  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Nov 16, 2022 at 10:05pm

Length:   1,846 Characters | 1,786 w/o WritingML

Hello Whiskers My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "I Write: Enter the Second Decade"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Hope you have enjoyed the challenge with the writing and reviewing to reach goals of a certain number of entries in the allotted time frame. Initial Reaction: I'm guessing this is a blog type of entry based on the biographical aspect and writing style for the paragraphs. It sounded like an interesting situation with the beta reader role coming about. I've honestly, never seen the dragon movies but I've really wanted to with the originals. Can't imagine what all people who are creating with the fan fiction. But it sounds like you find some good things and enjoy the stories. Other Notes: While this isn't a contest entry that I know and the technical side may not be a high priority, the last few paragraphs did stand out to me a little. The first couple of paragraphs had the layout with the space after each paragraph. The two near the end are lacking the space. It's a nit picky element but is something that caught my attention as I was reading it for the review part of the challenge. While it sounds like you weren't expecting the beta reader role, it looks like you've got it. I know how you feel too as it can be hard to be on the same page when it comes to the role/expectations between writer and reader. I've done critique groups and some don't worry about major changes, sometimes a reader gets made when you don't follow their exact device, then others follow every change from every reader. But also sounds like it could be fun. Though I'm beta reading 160k novel and it's a challenge. Good luck with the role and hopefully you'll enjoy the story as you read more. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4676508

Review of Never Mind  

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Nov 9, 2022 at 5:59pm

Length:   2,499 Characters | 2,451 w/o WritingML

Greetings Words Whirling Round . I am reviewing your story today that I found doing a genre search for travel related items. It caught my attention with title and story so decided to send you a quick review. Title: I like the title. It does grab attention because it makes the potential reader curious what reason the story is called "never mind". What is the possible reference? It is something they will wonder and makes it likely for them to click on the item from whatever search or source on the site they use. The description will help too while keeping it very short and to the point, which the micro fiction word count also does. Initial Reaction: This was entertaining and a fun little story with a strong punchline to match the title (since it's the exact same and for good reason). It reminded me of an episode from an oldish sitcom called King of Queens. In the set of episodes the couple go on a little weekend vacation. It was during the time the male character had lost some weight and was getting more attention for it. He tried to surprise his wife with a wonderful vacation in a cabin like before. Same exact cabin, romantic room service and even same guy working at the location. However, not the same girl. He forgot who he had brought to the cabin. Oops. A little different since the ones in your story are talking about a memory and not on a recreation of the trip but it was what came to mind when I read the micro story you created. Story: It is short but a good story. You manage to do a lot in the very short amount of words, which is quite a challenge. The one big paragraph gives the right detail while they last few are shorter but bring everything to the main point of the last line. it is well done overall. Other Notes and Final Thoughts: I liked the story enough from my random read to send a review and my comments so that is a good start. The only thing I would suggest to consider might be changing the end of the sentence connected to her dialogue. It's not wrong to use the adverb in that way and it makes sense to put the description for her tone. Something about the word comes off a little less powerful. The way the "I" and the "l" look in the word. I can't quite pinpoint it to an exact degree but there may be a stronger way to format that sentence with the same concept kept in tact. Just something to consider. Other than that you did well. I hope you won the round of that contest. /center} My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4676386

Review of Contest Entries  

for entry "Military Families Month" 

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Nov 8, 2022 at 5:54pm

Length:   2,619 Characters | 2,554 w/o WritingML

Hi there Angdea Macabre Shalom I'm reviewing your item in connection with "I Write: Enter the Second Decade"  [E] again since right now it's mostly us two posting after each other, lol. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Good luck with the last couple of items to reach your goal for the challenge. Title: The title is nice because it is a direct connection to the prompt used for the contest. This can be both good and bad. Good in that it is easy to connect for the judge, it is straight forward and lets the reader know what to expect. The "bad"-ish part is that it's almost too focused on the prompt and comes off a little less creative. I like the knowing what is going to be in the poem. However, I would almost want something else, maybe a little bit taken from the poem to stand out a little more and let the contest part be noted in the bottom section where you have line count and all of that detail. General Comments: I like the poem. It is fun, friendly and presents a good message while paying homage to the group it is directed towards. The family members for those in the military are affected by what happens to those serving on many different levels. It is a topic many people can relate and find a touch of joy from with your approach. Imagery: One thing this poem does that wouldn't come to mind much at first from the title is how it creates images with the focus on the family and some of the word choices. It does well to bring things to the readers mind so they can imagine what the short lines suggest with different families being together or going out to a lake to have fun. Other Notes: Just a couple of things stand out to me after reading the poem over a couple of times that you could maybe look into come here in this section. So, I'm not the biggest fan when it comes to repetition (part of why I don't do a lot of it in my own poems if I can avoid such), but the stanzas ending with the line about family was a nice point and it almost seemed like it should have continued. Not that it needs to, but there is that change part way that can draw someone's attention to that fact. Yet, I like the last two stanzas without the word family in the last line. From my perspective, I wonder how it would sound if you switched the last stanza with the one before it. Go for family to the talk of colors brightening the home and end it with the comments about the month and to spend it well. Just an idea, nothing wrong with the current layout either. Good luck with the contest and all of the writing you get done this week.

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#4676063

Review of Contest Entries  

for entry "Domestic Violence Awareness Month" 

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with I Write  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Nov 4, 2022 at 9:23pm

Length:   1,749 Characters | 1,691 w/o WritingML

Hi there Angdea Macabre Shalom I get to review your item in connection with "I Write: Enter the Second Decade"  [E] and the challenge of writing so many times along with reviews. You have done so well in keeping up and writing here on the site. Happy to get the chance to review your poem. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble and sorry for any typos as I cut a finger on my right hand making lunch today, oops. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: The title is to the point and related to the contest entered. Since I have entered one poem in the same contest under a different topic of awareness, I was familiar with where this was entered and the inspiration before making it to the notes at the end that explain for readers who aren't aware of the initial source. Overall Notes and Comments: While the poem doesn't have the focus of a particular form or rhythm compared to other styles of poetry, it has a particular focus that remains at the forefront of importance. It has a flow itself and is something different readers should give a chance to help with the reminder of this aspect in some people's lives. It isn't an easy topic to put into words and might make some uncomfortable but that is okay. The single lines were the strong points that give the poem an increased impact beyond just the focus of the words related to the topic. It isn't an easy one to discuss, with the harsh reality that comes with the existence of domestic violence. Some aspects are hard to discuss or difficult for some but very much a real aspect people face. The short lines and the specific words give the impact desired for the poem. Nice work with the writing of the poem. Good luck with the contest. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4675092

Review of Castle's Chessboard  

for entry "October Writing" 

Review by Dawn Embers

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Oct 26, 2022 at 12:59am

Length:   1,807 Characters | 1,795 w/o WritingML

Hello there. I'm sending you this comment for the October Writing entry in connection with "I Write: Enter the Second Decade"   by Annette as the person who posted an entry after you. It was interesting to read the journal entry so I just have some general comments since it's not something to offer in the way of edits or those types of suggestions. I'm not even quite sure what Chessboard writing roulette is but that sounds very interesting. I've had my blog for so many years on this site but rarely make a post. So, I can relate to your comment about how it might be a common item for the roulette but the time passes fast when it comes to keeping a journal and how the days go so fast. It's a challenge to keep up any writing, even about the self with other obligations like work. Having writing activity events and I Write does really help but it's also easy to get behind too. Regroup is a great option. I've had a monthly challenge group where members would post monthly goals to help focus for the short time on what they wanted to accomplish. I still try to do it from time to time, some months more successful than others. It looks like a good set of regrouping for you. I hope you are able to get everything you want done or at least worked on to your satisfaction. I haven't had a chance to watch Wheel of Time but do hope to some day. I also want to finish reading the series too. Halloween theme is fun and it's almost the holiday. Feels a little strange to have it be on a Monday, but oh well. Having a goal to write something themed with Halloween sounds like fun and so many different possibilities. You could go horror or scary if that's what you prefer or you could do something else. Many options. Good luck to you and it was fun getting a little insight into your life and goals with the journal post.

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#4672760

Review of Magic or Illusion?  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Oct 4, 2022 at 2:23am

Length:   3,004 Characters | 2,960 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. Overall: The story has a good approach with the very beginning able to grab the reader's attention with the voice and character presented. It has a voice and uses the character influenced by the contest prompt well to provide a story about a stage magician who comes upon something different than his usual. It also took a different approach with the inclusion of a time travel character element. However, it also feels the story was limited by the contest word count and needs more development in order to feel more complete. Prompt: For the contest, it had a set of particular prompts that had both character and conflict focuses. The main one involved the character since it was for a character contest. However, this time around included a story element that was also required. This time it was one that was relevant to the character, so made things easy enough for writers and readers. As a judge and general reader, this was easy enough to find within the story and it qualified the story for the contest. Overall, the approach with the stage magician and the interesting other character that comes into his world. Other Notes: Nice work with the story and entering the contest. Just have a few things to offer for you to consider if you decide to rewrite or edit the story. You could consider giving the story a skim over with some checking on technical points and minor things that have the potential to cause a reader to stumble. The spacing of sentences in particular might be a place to take note. Near the beginning, for example, there is a small paragraph with dialogue where part of the sentences has been moved down to the next line when it needs to stay up with the rest of the sentence. Just check for those minor details as it happens more than once. Another minor thing you could consider would be to put the word count at the very end of the story since it is only relevant when it comes to the contest since it had the 2k word limit. The focus tends to be on the story, so having that first and extra details like contests, prompts, side notes and such kept to the end is often preferred. While I enjoyed the story, it was a little difficult to follow. The part near the end almost goes by too fast because it's just quick dialogue with a lot of very short sentences so that the reader ends of going quick through that part. It felt like there was some developing that could be done to make it stronger. Felt like there needs to be more involved in that section. Now that there isn't a word count limit you could push things further and longer for the story. Thank you for taking the time to enter the contest for August with the character focused prompts. I hope you enjoyed the challenge and the story you were able to create. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .